Monday, December 03, 2012

The Worst of Week Thirteen Vol.VI

Not pictured: Romeo Crennel across the table eating a live hog.
Don't do it, G$.  This fruit is hanging way too low for even you.  You're not better than much, but you're better than this.  Just talk about it; don't be a joke maker.  OK, so by now we all know about Jovan Belcher who decided that his walk-through practice would involve bullets.  This is a pretty shitty story.  Killing your baby mama in front of your mother? Check.  Driving to work and talking with your bosses while holding a firearm?  Check.   Thanking your bosses and then killing yourself? Check fucking plus.  This story is sort of similar to that of Chris Benoit's horrible saga but thankfully Belcher spared his son.  I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to actually watch someone shoot themselves.  That has to be the worst.  I don't know how KC is going to handle this before the game or what they should do, all I know is that it sucks.  And Prime was quick to send me a hilarious text about this on Saturday morning.  Chip Kelly is taking over his soul.

In conclusion, whenever you hear someone say that "I'd kill to not have to play for Romeo Crennel anymore", you should probably take them seriously.  Dammit.  Deep down, I can't be the only one who was hoping that the mystery Chief was Brady Quinn, was I?  DON'T JUDGE ME!  Anyway, onto the week's bad players but not killers.

People crying about Brees - I don't get this.  The dude was awful.  I get it.  But that shouldn't have had much effect on you at all.  If your fantasy playoffs start in week 13 then LOLZ your league sucks and is stupid.  If your playoffs haven't started yet, you should be safely in anyway.  If that 5 pick game DID hurt you then you really suck at fantasy football and should kill your girlfriend.  Dammit.

Brian Urlacher - The entire Bears defense deserves a Nelson Muntz HA HA but I'm going to single out the guy who stuck it to Paris Hilton for awhile.  Good job letting the legend of Rusty Wilson grow.  Go ahead and keep fucking around with home losses and you're going to end up sitting at home for the playoffs.  Prime GAY.

Li'l Sex Cannon - Has anyone mentioned yet that AJ McCarron looks EXACTLY like Rex Grossman?

LOLions! - Hilarious.  What a terrible team.  If the Colts are CHUCKSTRONG then I suppose that the Lions are JIMPUSSY.  That was one hell of a defensive collapse.  I wish that I could watch that every day.  Schwartz is so fired.  At least he should be.

Jordy Nelson - Well, well, well the day that Commander Snatch (Greg Jennings) came back Captain Gash gets hurt AGAIN.  When your name is Jordy, I guess that no one should expect manly behavior.

Everyone but Adrian Peterson - This cat better get a whole shit-load of MVP votes because he is BY FAR the best player in the league.  FACT.  Imagine how awesome he would be if he didn't have a terrible QB on his side?  I guess what I'm trying to say here is...BRING BACK FAVRE!!!

Mason Crosby and David Akers - These guys went from great to horrible so fast that I hardly even noticed.

BRAH! - Fuck you, Jim Harbaugh!  Man, is it easy to root against him.  I'm glad that they lost to the Rams because his little fagbait QB was piss poor.  He deserves that.  I'm no Alex Smiff fan but I am rooting for Jimmy to fail so I guess that that does make me a Smiff fan after all.  I have no problem with Colin Cowherdnick but I would appreciate it if Jaws stopped calling him KaeperNACK.

Cam Newton - You can beat the Eagles but not a team that just had a guy kill 80% of the Kansas City population.  It really bothers me that Cam chews gum during the game.  It's probably because he is a lazy black (that's sarcasm) (maybe).

Mark Sanchez - It's over, Nacho.  What a tremendous blaze of glory that was.  He should probably never start another NFL game ever again.

Jets Fans - Bad play makes fans do weird things...like give Greg McElroy a standing ovation.  That guy is a cocksucker.  I'd bet that Mike Lupica LOVES him.

Weather People - YOU ASSHOLES!  YOU SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE A FUCKING MONSOON IN OAKLAND YESTERDAY!  40 MPH WINDS!  POURING RAIN!  WAY TO BE 100% WRONG!  YOU PEOPLE ARE THE WORST.  I'm going to hit the under on that game anyway...but STILL!

Carson Palmer - The King of the Garbage Time Touchdowns is now being phased out gradually by the WildTatt offense of Terrelle Pryor!!! Another solid effort by the Brownies...all of that ELITE talent is coming together nicely.

Marmalard and Norv - Another week, another embarrassing loss for these two mental midgets.  At this point, I think that we can all agree that Philip Rivers is a below average QB. 

BRAH again! - Eat shit, John!  You just got taken to school by Charlie fucking Batch!  This is the thing about the Steelers: they have enough experience and old man know-how to never be counted out.  Plus, Joe Flacco is a horse's ass.

GAMBLOR! - VERY good weekend for this fella even with my Jags and Bucs failing.  I would like to give myself a high five for putting coin on Nebraska -3 which might be the worst wager ever.

FANTASY! - It wasn't a very important weekend for me.  I already have the one seed clinched in the DFL with a bye next week.  I have my division clinched in the MSFL with a bye coming next week as well.  I have a must-win for the 6 seed in the G$FL against the guy right behind me so next week is all that matters.  That being said, 1-3 appears to be my ceiling this week and that sucks.

None of that matters though for tonight's Monday Night is the best game of the season.  I'm a little nervous about a lot of people giving us this win because this franchise should not assume anything due to 20 years of being stupid.  I still think that we win tonight behind the TRANSCENDENT and painfully heterosexual RG3.  Remember to save your zombie and bootleggin' talk until the afternoon.  HAIL!

48 comments:

Grumpy said...

That's Charlie FUCKING Batch!

Why do the Chargers, with time on the clock and still able to get a first down, throw to the end zone 4 straight times? And Rivers wasn't close on any of the 4.

Anonymous said...

The same reason they threw the ball last week with 3:50 on the clock and clinging to a lead when they should have been running out the clock.

Because they are STUPID.

GMoney said...

Yeah, the Chargers are MUY MAL.

THanks, Dallas, for letting a midget run 98 yards on a PR to prevent a cover. JERKS!

How about that Browns employee killing himself on Saturday, too. He's probably furious with Belcher...in Hell obvz.

Anonymous said...

I'm just rooting for Megatron to break Jerry Rice's single season receiving record this season so that he can be solidified as the GOAT WR.

Megatron is too ELITE for the Madden Curse.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The Lions are so bad. How do you let a one yard pass followed by 10 yards of nothing resembling the desire to tackle beat you?

Ice Man said...

"This cat better get a whole shit-load of MVP votes because he is BY FAR the best player in the league"

As long as the Vikings make the playoffs, right? Or are you finally backing off of your tard statement that the MVP must play for a playoff team?

Just know that this morning Mike Ditka put RG3, Luck and Rusty Wilson in the same category as far as all being "SPECIAL". That's a very Cowherdian statement to make.

Nate B. said...

I was expecting a Mexican standoff on the comment boards today re: the first to bring up Belcher.

But in traditional G$ fashion, he clears the air for us.

Anonymous said...

The Lions season was over last week, didn't we already agree on that?! Just watching Megatron make history now...

I'm curious to see how G$ picks up his Jock after Iceman just took him to school....

- J Saul

GMoney said...

I have never said that MVP = playoffs. Go back and try to find that. You won't and you'll just continue to lie. My case has been that it is hard to show how valuable you are if your team sucks. The Vikes are .500 (I think) which is a miracle solely because of AP's cray cray knees.

By the way, I am a staunch supporter of MMQB being the worst thing on the internet and always will be. Go ahead and give it a read this morning and try to convince me that Peter isn't glorifying Jovan Belcher. I'll wait. He acts like Belcher is a hero! And let's not gloss over his appreciation of Glazer breaking the Browns noose story. Peter King loves death.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ!

Joel Sherman of the New York Post reports that Alex Rodriguez was playing with a re-torn hip in 2012.
A-Rod had the hip surgically-repaired back in 2009 but now probably needs another procedure. Which could cost him a good chunk of the 2013 season. It's awful news for the Yankees, who owe the 37-year-old a whopping $114 million over the next five years and must now find a way to acquire a reliable third baseman.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Nate, there would've been no Mexican standoff. I already joked about it on facebook yesterday. My first comment would've been about Belcher. My commitment to this blog is to ALWAYS joke about people dying. That and being overtly racist. Speaking of which, at the gym today (I workout), I saw a taliban workout outfit. Fucking. Hilarious. A sleeveless burka complete with gold sash. Oh, I laughed.

The Browns could be stringing together a 3 game winning streak! Does this make me happy? Meh, I don't know, I think we are playing ourselves out of some ELITE picks, but we are learning how to close games, so it's a wash. Shurmur is still the worst, and should have died with that migrant practice facility worker, but I do have some confidence that Flying J Haslem will make some moves.

Also, let's not gloss over the fact that I have now beat G$ 2/3 this year. And my team in G$FL was finally able to put up 80 (a lot in that league) and not be outscored for a change. PLAYOFF PUSH!

Ide

Nate said...

I think I'm going to give fantasy football a shot next year, on one condition.

I brought up the idea several years ago that the requirement be you show up to the draft party sporting your favorite deceased player's jersey.

The kicker would be going out to a bar or drinking establishment as a group afterwards.

Anonymous said...

Also forgot LOLZ @ Slow Seal. A home loss to unranked Baylor on Saturday! NIT! NIT! NIT! NIT!

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Also, can we just ban all Harbaugh's from post game handshakes?

GMoney said...

Good call, Grump, what a total fag John was/is.

Hilarious of you to rip on a guy who just won a national title. Keep reaching for those FInal Four participant banners!!!

Brady said...

At least the Browns employee had the decency to hang himself in a storage shed all by his lonesome. No Collateral damage! I love the interviews with friends and family where no one ever saw it coming. Just once I want somebody to say "I can't believe it took this long". There have to be warning signs, right?

I'm on board with the Browns winning as many as possible for the rest of the season. High draft picks are great but learning to close out games and win is more important at this point. I think any momentum they can get going into the offseason far outweighs the few draft positions they could move up.

Charlie fucking Batch goes into Baltimore and wins??!! Wow. I feel like the current Browns team would be in this divisional race if we could play those first five games over again. This division is turning into garbage.

Grumpy said...

The Ravens are the worst 9-3 team of all time. Watch them play. No pass rush and other than Ed Reed their secondary stinks.

Flacco is terrible on intermediate throws and his basic strategy is to throw it deep and hope for the PI call. Don't be surprised if they lose some more down the stretch. It's all smoke and mirrors and an average QB.

Anonymous said...

G$...You know what else is hilarious?!? Slow Seal predicted they would have FOUR regular season losses.....one away and it's only 12/3! LOLZ! NIT! NIT! NIT!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Because we demand perfection on predictions here says the guy that had Bonerz Barkley winning the Heisman. SMDH...says black folks.

That might be the smartest thing that Brady has ever written here. Winning is important and should not be sacrificed for draft slot (as long as you already have a QB).

Grump, are you telling me that the Skins are GUARANTEED to beat Baltimore next Sunday? I'LL TAKE IT!

Ice Man said...

Bitch, please. You've said multiple times you can't justify giving the MVP to a guy who's team misses the playoffs. Don't back off like Brady would. You're better than that G$.

Rusty Wilson cock shine-fest happening as we speak on the Herd right now. Jesus Christ...I love it when average QBs are made out to be studs by loud mouth sport shock jocks.

Prime99 said...

I can't believe the Bears D gave up that 4th quarter lead. Maybe they are not better than the '85 Bears D x 10? Shocking. A loss like that just might make you want to kill yourself, know what I mean?

The Niners game was very LOL. I'm glad that Kaepernik sucked and pretty much lost them the game versus the Rams. HarBRAH has some new decisions to make- gotta go with the hot hand, AMIRITE?!

Murder Panties is the best, but Brees had better not lay a shit-brick like Thursday in two weeks. That would be disappointing.

It is possible that Chip Kelly is influencing me more and more, but dammit- if anyone is going to be a role model, it might as well be a damn fine coach/American.

I'm still pissed about the Bears...

Jeff said...

Grump said it best, but it's worth repeating.

Chaz Muthafuckin Batch!

GMoney said...

I have never said "can't justify". It has always been a stance of "hard to justify". Do you want your fucking headphones or not, assbasket? I made a point of saying that the contest could be rigged and I could easily give them to Jeff if you want to keep spreading lies. Now APOLOGIZE to everyone.

Grumpy said...

I guarantee the 'Skins will beat the Ravens. RGIII's shirt will be clean at the end too.

Prime99 said...

With Batch winning in Baltimore, he could be a hot commodity on the market this year. What team could benefit from a QB that can win in Baltimore? Maybe a team that also loves old qbs???

I'm saying that Weeden and Batch are 6 months apart in age. Weeden is older.

GMoney said...

ZOMBIE TIME. NUGGLES!

*CUTTY WISE IN THE HIZZOUSE!!! The most dangerous thing on the planet is a black man with an ax. FACT. I also like how he took orders from Deputy Dipshit. That is a guy who knows his place.

*Spin Doctor wants to bang the 17 year old...YES! Thinks that Carol is a dyke simply due to her lebo hair...DOUBLE YES! Spin Doctor is becoming an ELITE character.

*Michonne is still an idiot but killing Penny in front of her pappy was the best. And it is going to allow The Guvnah to transform into full blown heel mode. He isn't even going to try to be nice anymore. You know this because eye patch = bad guy.

*Merle vs. Daryl in a fight to the death maybe? I don't know if my simple brain could handle that.

*Andrea is the most gullible person ever. Sure, my boyfriend has a room full of aquarium heads but he's still the BEST! Andrea is a moron.

*Once Cutty was introduced, you knew that Axel was done. TWD is great about only giving camera time to one black guy.

Tremendous half season. I can hardly wait for February. I will take a reactionary stance to any Boardwalk Empire convo today. That was another terrific season by Buscemi and Co.

Jeff said...

I'm TOTES down for winning a rigged contest.

GMoney said...

I confused Axel and Oscar. All black people look like white trash and vice versa in my mind.

Anonymous said...

I called that black guy death last week and even said to BOOK IT! (I did however, think his name was Oscar, because Axel is totally that other guy, and is the epitome of a white trash name) I will also endorse anything Cutty is in, and hope he actually gets some dialogue. A 'chinga te' line would go a long way too.

The biggest fail of the night was the 'cliffhanger'. The only thing worse is when they showed the fucking outcome during the previews.

Sugar Shane making a comeback to kill Axel was the win.

Michonne is just a badass. Thank god they show her going Rambo on the place. And killing that kid in front of her dad? ELITE!

Tyreese getting in through that random hole in the fence at the prison seemed like a pretty big plot hole. Skeevy Oscar going after the 17 year old and calling Carol a dyke is just great writing.

Ide

Prime99 said...

As soon as Oscar started awkwardly climbing up to get over the fence, I said out loud, "Whelp, that black guy is about to die." Seconds later- BAM! TWD can't handle multiple black male characters.

PS: Tyreese's militant black chick friend will die in three episodes or less. BOOK IT!

Merle probably shouldn't have lied about Michonne. That's why the Governor thinks Merle was in on shit (or he's being an evil dick- see: G$'s eyepatch comment.)

I don't see Andrea as being unrealistic- normal women are morons about their boyfriends. That wouldn't change in a world overrun by zombies. Plus, she loves the cock!

Iceman would have thrown the bit girl into the zombie hoard as a distraction, not carry her into the prison.

Anonymous said...

RIP Gyp as well. Great character.

Richard Harrow is a man who does work. Punches in. Punches out. Goes home.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Michonne sticking teh sword through the Guvnah's daughter's throat was ELITE.

I also liked Rick's pep talk to Daryl before they went in.

Officer Dip Shit is starting to piss me off again.

--Drew

Daniel said...

Jim Tressel at the Bills game this past weekend. You heard it here first.

My sources were right about RG3, so I'm sure they're right about this too.

Ice Man said...

I'll apologize when Seal apologizes for his horrible Kentucky predictions...across the board.

"Iceman would have thrown the bit girl into the zombie hoard as a distraction, not carry her into the prison."

You're God Damn right I would have. Any sand person would have.

The Guvnah was walking around awfully non-chalantly after getting stabbed in the FUCKING EYE WITH A PIECE OF ZOMBIE HEAD AQUARIUM GLASS!!!! I'm sorry...no one is that bad ass.

If Daryl dies (and we know he won't because of the previews for the second half) I may not watch the show anymore. Daryl is the ELITE of the ELITE.

Whatever happened to pussy black dude who couldn't shoot his zombie wife and his eventual criminal son from season 1? I thought they were supposed to be coming back into the mix somehow.

Anonymous said...

That he's a faggot?

GMoney said...

Daniel pops his head in to spread more lies about my QB. YOU STOP THAT!

Prime, good dot-connecting there with why Guv is pissed at Merle.

I hope that Ghost Shane keeps showing up and asking Andrea to adjust his stick.

That just goes to show why previews are the worst and should not exist. They give away too much. I am thankful that I am too dumb to remember that two months from now.

Ide, I disagree with the plot hole for how Tyreese got into the prison. We've known all along that the Ricktator only has a small portion of the prison cleared out.

CUTTY WISE needs to realize that a prison is the perfect place to open a boxing gym.

Boardwalk was just tremendous. Chalky and Capone ironing out their differences by killing Masseria's guys was terrific. Richard Harrow might be the greatest character in all of television. Yeah, I said it. More Stephen Root please.

Anonymous said...

The prison may not have been cleared but the perimeter was. Why would you control the one gate and mangled area you entered through if you're going to neglect the other half of the fence? Shoddy planning or writing, you pick.

It's always fun to remember that Al Capone is Tommy from Snatch. ELITE movie.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Kentucky is not ranked! LOLZ! LOLZ! NIT! NIT! SLOOOOOOOOOOW SEAL!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I purposely skip all previews. So dumb fo real.

So is this the break in the season?

Rick gonna think the new peeps were sent from Woodberry. Some solid torture might go on come part2.

I have to side with Ice (again?!) on the glass to the eye thing. Come on, he got stabbed in the skull through the eye, and only need some cotton patch to seal the deal? (Plus, michonne is way too skilled to not kill that kid and immediately swipe down the Guv....I wasn't a huge fan of how that scene played out).

Merle is totes gonna be on team Ricktator once they get themselves out of this pickle...he's a solid addition to the team...the rest of the town are a bunch of pussies..

- J Saul

Prime99 said...

Ice, Morgan and Duane come back into play in the comics, but at this point the show is pretty damn different. I would expect to see them later though...

GMoney said...

I don't see Merle joining up with the guy who left him for dead. There's way too much baggage between those two. Then again, his options are quite limited. I'll put it this way, I can't imagine The Ricktator welcoming Merle into the group despite what Daryl might want.

All evil people heal miraculously fast. Blame the dark arts. Give him a real pirate eye patch though. That would be the best. It would make Andrea cream.

If you thought that that fight was going to end with either Mich or Guv dying then you are an idiot.

I still stand by my statement that the prison fence is not a plothole. Rick's group has, what, 10 people at most. Federal prisons are fucking YUGE. They only wanted an area that they could maintain and control. They never wanted the entire thing. They could never patrol 4-5 acres or however big that area is. A proper area to monitor was cordoned off though and that is their home. I overrule Ide's objection of that being a gross mistake.

And don't forget to GO REDSKINS!

GMoney said...

Does Chip Kelly know that you read comic books? Because he'll definitely give you a wedgie over that form of nerdery.

Brady said...

"You're God Damn right I would have. Any sand person would have."

Iceman just called himself a terrorist. No fly list for you, my friend.

Nate said...

If not for Jimmy dying in Season 2 (which at the time, seemed premature for a major character), Richard Harrow wouldn't have emerged as such a great character.

A little concerned with how the writers handle Harrow from this point forward. I was worried he was going to do himself in at the end.

Anonymous said...

They already played the suicide card once with him, they won't do it again. I read that they wanted to write him as boring as possible this season so he could go apeshit in the finale. I'm glad they did. This isn't a show that I could watch more than once because of the less than breakneck pace, but I am happy to have suffered through a season of terrible Harrow writing to see his last few episodes.

And like Rick's endless supply of LA Looks styling gel, you are wrong G$. I don't for a second think that Daryl, being the all around man that he is, wouldn't check the perimeter. They have SUV's, albeit Hyundai's, but I'm sure they could brave the harsh Georgia prison terrain. If you want to keep the zombies at bay (they do), then you seal the perimeter off. That hole in the back is just sloppiness. No way in hell Daryl, man of nature and owls, lets that slide.

Ide

Nate said...

Ide, you're probably right about Harrow. The writing is too good to recycle storylines.

I'm hoping a new antagonist emerges in Season 4, but nobody will come close to Rosetti.

Things will be interesting next season as Nucky made Rothstein and Masseria both take a big bite of shit burger.

Prime99 said...

Good entertainment comes in many forms, tv, movies, books, comic books, and porn. All are ok, however, Chip probably would be disappointed...

Prime99 said...

Could that hole in the fence be the same one the black dude Andrew created to let the zombies in intentionally? I'd have to check the game tape on that one.