Monday, December 31, 2012

The Worst of Week Seventeen Vol.VI

Alright, guys, let's head over to the husky section now.
If you thought that I would lead today's post off with Redskins/Cowboys, then you OBVZ don't know that I write this in shifts.  Don't worry, we'll get to our (hopefully) NFC East title later.  Today is Black Monday in the NFL and it is a glorious day.  I love coach firings.  They are the best.  Pat Shurmur and Tom Heckert are supposed to be gone today.  Andy Reid will be jobless.  A whole slew of other assholes will also be out of work and replaced by other terrible coaches.  I can't wait for the carnage.  All of you fancy pants Twitter people need to make sure that the comments are up to speed on all of the wheelings and dealings today.  Let's get on with the final big weekend of the season (sheds tear) (shits pants).

Pro Bowl Voting - Every year I tell myself that I don't care about this and every year I end up getting pissed off about something.  This year, it's the inclusion of Matt Schaub and Frank Gore.  Those two guys define average.  As you saw yesterday, Andy Luck is WAY better than Schaub and AlfMo is CLEARLY better than Gore in almost every stat category.  It makes no sense.  I hate myself for wasting my anger on this.

Gentleman James Haslam - The Browns apparently are looking for a "new face" to be their next coach.  Oh, this is going to be the LOL-est.  They're going to end up hiring Snoad.

Mike Smiff - Here is how I would coach a team that has nothing to play for: your starters play a half.  If one of them gets hurt in the first half, then they all come out.  When Dunta Robinson lost his head, he should have pulled everyone.  Now the Falcons are without John Abraham and they're going to lose their first game as everyone expected.  Sorry Dawg, but you know this is true.  The bye week is just delaying the inevitable.

Chad Henne and Mike Vick - Both suck dog dick.  I liked seeing Andy Reid's last stand featuring so many aggressive calls, but the Eagles were just too terrible.  Nnamdi Asomugha is AWFUL.  DREAM TEAM!

El Shitbox - This has to be the most fitting nickname for Mark Sanchez ever.  I actually wagered on the Jets +4 yesterday and I regretted it immediately.

Believers of Houston - I have no idea why Houston was a 6.5 point favorite in a place where they have never won but know that I cleaned the fuck up with the Colts yesterday.  Pretty much everything that I said about ATL you can also say about HOU.  This team isn't good because Matt Schaub is a joke.

HEY DREW! - As I was enjoying a Star Wars marathon on Spike this weekend (don't you judge me!), they were promoting the fuck out of THE JOE SCHMO SHOW which makes it's triumphant return on 1/8 at 10 pm.  The Hutch appears to be gone, but Ralph Garman is back.  I can't wait.  This blurb replaces any thoughts that I may have had for CAR/NO and BAL/CIN because I did not have any.

Stat Padford - I saw this nickname in Simmons' column on Friday and I love it.  Padford is so bad.  Here's a question: If you are 6'5" then why do you throw the fucking pigskin like Little League Fitzenreiter (ELITE reference)?  I hate that.  Sidearm is for homos like Clay Rapada.  Throw the ball like a man and quit chucking it off your back foot constantly.  NO ONE regressed more than Padford this season.  He went from ELITE to OVERRATED faster than any QB in league history (may not be true).  I just hate watching him play so much.

Van Heusen - Great idea to have Stat Padford be the face of your company.  If I'm ever in the market for dress shirts at JC Penney, I will remember ol' Stats buttery chin waddling through your selection of neckties.

Dumb Gamblors - After the Texans did what they do best, if you didn't jump all over Denver and New England no matter what the line was, then you shouldn't be doing this.  That was easy ass money.  It was for me.

Not Terrelle Pryor - YEAH BUDDY!  He may be 0-1 as a starter, but he's 1-0 against the spread!  Please make him the starter next year, Raiders.

Idiots - Rusty Wilson is NOT the Rookie of the Year.  OK?

Eric Dickerson - You piece of shit!  All Day is way better than you!  That record belonged to him, dammit!  All of the afternoon games were shit except for Vikings/Packers which was goddamn awesome.  Seriously, that was probably the best game of the season.  Good for the Vikings to make the playoffs (fist yourself, Prime!).  I already know that I'm betting against them next week.  Since the Pack lost, HarBRAH has a bye.  He'll get an extra week of calling David Akers a n*gger, I'm sure. David Akers is ass.


Dan Snyder - I haven't blamed him for anything in awhile so I'm going to blame him for our shitty field last night.  That was terrible.  Although nothing can slow down our insanely nasty run game.  We're like a service academy with talent.

Miles Austin and Dez Bryant - What a couple of pussies.  That got fucking PWNED by DeAngelo Hall.  Seriously, D-Hall was probably the best player on the field and that hasn't happened since the 2010 Pro Bowl.

DeMarcus Ware - I think that Ware is a really good player but our scheme on him made him look terrible.  He got embarrassed in both games against us.  I love it.

Tony Romo - What would life be without a week 17 DERP from the King of Herps and Derps?  I was nervous as fuck when they got the ball back down 3 but there he was not seeing a 6'4" 260 LB black man apparently and handed him a pick in tremendous Romo-fail fashion.  That was the best.  NO ONE chokes like Anthony Lasagna Romo.  HAIL!

The G$FL - How could we let Ide win the league?  That is grounds for disbanding the league.  Oh well, even Ide can't ruin this day for me (surprisingly).

So there is another regular season in the books.  Now we're left with the winners.  My Skins are still alive!  Tonya, Dawg, and I are the only ELITE fans left around these parts which makes total sense.  Seattle @ Washington next week...goddamn is that going to be a great game.  FUCK YEAH!  GO SKINS!  HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!  HAIL VICTORY!  BRAVES ON THE WARPATH!  FIGHT FOR OLD DC!


Anonymous said...

Catching the early flight back to NYC. Just wanted to pop in and give an extra LOLZ to everyone regarding my ELITE weekend. G$FL title and Icemans Pick Em title (wasn't even close) have gone to where they rightfully deserve. I am royalty.

As a treat to the rest of you, stay tuned, I saw Django over the weekend in the blackest theater in the Souf and wrote a review! It's pretty racist. (The movie or the review or both? Find out.)


Grumpy said...

Watching Romo berate his receivers after another pick is the best.

Anonymous said...

I saw Django as well...enjoyed it.

Congrats on teh Skin Tags G$.

The funniest part about Dickerson keeping that record was his tweets after it. Very undefeated Miami Dolphins smuggish.

I'm happy the Lions season is over.


GMoney said...

Drew, how could you have nothing to say about Joe Schmo or my correct assertions on Padford? You better not be done for the day.

No movie reviews. I don't want to know what happens as I'm sure that you will spoil everything. The blackest theater in the Souf better have been a Magic Johnson cinema or it doesn't count.

Grump, isn't that the worst. WHAT A LEADER! I'm quite surprised that we even attempted a pass last night since we didn't do. I LOVE the run game. There is nothing more emasculating for a defense than when they can't stop you from running and we buttfucked old Wolfman Rob into submission last night. OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Seattle is -2.5 in our building? Bitch please. Petey is about to get beheaded by AlfMo's home run swing.

MUDawgfan said...

Both Abraham and Robinson would be cleared to play this week if we were in the Wildcard and we'll beat either Washington or Seattle by at least a touchdown.

Jeff said...

Congrats to your Gay Boys, G$.
I won my survivor pool bitches! I may not have won on the fantasy field, but I took a much bigger rake winning the survivor pool that had 329 peeps ($1300, could've been more, but it ended in a 5 way tie). That's right, 17 weeks of ELITE picks, BOOOM!!

GMoney said...

Dawg, you will not beat either Washington or Seattle but probably Washington because DeAngelo Hall is apparently ELITE now. That might have been the biggest upset of the year.

Shut up, Jeff.

Jeff said...

I congratulate your team and this is how you treat me?!?! Shame on you! I can't wait for Rusty Wilson to give RG3 a rusty trombone. Too bad, RG3 will enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

So, for the holidays, I went to visit my brother and his family in NC. We had a plan to see Django Unchained sometime during my visit since he loves Tarantino, and I hate black people. We pick Friday night, of all nights, to see this wild family romp (joke?).

When we get to the theater, we found seats up top, center, not bad really. As I look around, I notice some colored youths one row up. The one boy was filling up his friends plastic cups with his large drink, and then made his way back to the concession stand for a free refill. It was at this time that I realized that a lot of black people will be joining us in our viewing, because, of course they will.

My brother had the same thought right after, but his came after he spotted a group of seven of the most laughably stereotypical black people you've ever seen, trying to wedge themselves into five seats. I sat next to two empty seats...

Quick rundown of these magnificent seven. One was a huge matriarchal type, a "big mama" if you will. Donned in full sweats. Another, who sat next to me was roughly 15. Oh, and pregnant, I should probably mention that. One was five years old (8:00pm showing, mind you), and his brother was all of seven. They both had braids (Rob Parker approves). The other three were black women. My brother leans over to me and goes, "just a prime example of being black on a Friday night in NC".

This immediately pissed me off, because I knew that the movie about to show was chocked full of racism, and that I would be laughing heartily at times that I probably shouldn't. Nevermind the fact that these animals brought THEIR FUCKING KIDS TO A NIGHT SHOWING OF A RATED R SLAVE MOVIE, but now, I was the one who had to be mindful of proper etiquette. Fuck that.

The movie, was fucking awesome. This included roughly 150 racial epithets, all funnier than the previous. And Samuel L. Jackson stole the entire movie. Tarantino really went to town with his black aggression. I laughed thoroughly throughout the entire movie, regardless of what abomination sat next to me. Walton Goggins was pleasingly racist, but they didn't give him enough to work with, sadly. I highly recommend this movie to all.

Betting on fighting mandingoes should still be in vogue. I know that it's basically boxing at this point, but the fight to the death like in dog fighting, really adds panache (pans ass?).


Anonymous said...

Oh, I forgot the best part. The intro song to Django, is basically a ripoff of the Simpsons classic ditty for the Canyonero. That is solid writing.


Prime99 said...

Jeff- impressive feat but no one says "I won the Super Bowl- yep, it was a five way tie." You five way tied your league and won money. Impressive, but not a championship.

Drew told me to kill myself for cheering for the scenario where the Bears get to the playoffs, so that's cool. I hate the Packers even more now (if that was possible.) it'll be interesting to see if Lovie keeps his job...

I didn't get to watch SNF. Can someone confirm that RG3 teabagged Romo at some point during the game?

Prime99 said...

Oh, remember when Kristen Wiig was Dr Pat on the first Joe Schmo? She wasn't good, but the Hutch made up for any other shitty characters. I'm interested in this new one.

Ice Man said...

Any Fitzenriter reference is always ELITE. That guy was unhittable in little league!

I wonder who the next Browns coach to be fired in 2 years will be. At this point I hope it is Snoad. He can sign Rex to a free agent deal so he has a QB that can execute the wing T. Josh Gordon is gonna have to cough up he #13 though. The rightful owner needs it to lead this team to the promised land.

GMoney said...

The Hutch was ELITE. This new guy doesn't look nearly as dumb as the original Joe Schmo. Hopefully, they do the same thing where the break plates in the fireplace because that made NO SENSE but was awesome anyway.

Ide, sounds like Big Mama was 65 tons of American pride. Was it Tarantino's best? I would probably rank them so far as:
1. Pulp 2. Basterds 3. Dogs

Jeff, Rusty Wilson eats dude ass? WHAT A HOMO! Does his white wife know about this?

GMoney said...

If you're going to run the wing t then T-Rich is going to have to learn that he will be splitting carries with Owen Marecic.

I knew that the Fitz reference would be enjoyed by all that understood it. Funny story because I LOVED fucking with that mental case in high school:

It was like the 5th inning of a summer game against Patrick Henry and Fitz was lights out on the mound. After setting the Pats down in order again, he came off the field and I tell him, "Hey Fitz, you have a perfect game!" He was pissed that I mentioned it (on purpose). He threw a one hitter that day. It felt great to jinx that douche.

Anonymous said...

That movie was basically Inglorious Bastards using slaves instead of jews. Having said that, based on dialogue alone, it falls right to number two above Dogs. Every long winded chat in this movie is hilariously racist. Leonardo (who better win every award) giving scientific studies on how blacks have a 1/10000 chance of being more than a slave was a real hoot. Also, Samuel L. Jackson.


GMoney said...

Rex Ryan keeps his job? Romeo and Shurmur officially out!

Anonymous said...

Very excited about new Schmo.

Stafford definitely regressed...but he still has a cannon and as good of an arm as anyone in the league. Hopefully a new OC will get him to trash the sidearm throwing. I expect a good bounce back.


GMoney said...

I can't believe that no one said "Look, stop throwing like a ferry. You're a big dude. Start acting like it." Then again, there is no discipline on that team at all. Sounds like Schwartz could get the ax today.

Peter King says that Jerome Booger is the leading candidate to ref the Super Bowl. Please let this be true. FOURF DOWN!

Prime99 said...

Lovie is OUT. Cutler was doing his weekly radio show and got the news while on the mic. Very entertaining!

GMoney said...

The firing squads are out in full force this morning! Lovie! Rivera! Chan! Shurmur! Reid! Romeo! Norval! With Whisenhunt, Mularkey, Munchak, and Dennis Allen still in the mix, we could get to ten today!

GMoney said...

So I'm counting up the standings for the Bowl Mania through 2 rounds...pathetic. Only one of us did better than .500 in round 2. WE KNOW NOTHING.

Prime99 said...

Maybe there will be an ELITE under .500 5-way tie for the Bowl Mania 'ship!!!

Jeff said...

Prime, we can only hope for the ELITE 5-way tie!! As long as G$ pays out $1000 to each "winner".

GMoney said...

Shouldn't you be tailgating for Van Wilder 3: The Death of Tajh?

Nate said...

Pretty excited to see who the next Browns coach will be now that Shurmur's out.

It's too bad that by default, coaching the Browns puts you on the hot seat.

Anonymous said...

Hot scoop! Im the G$FL champion. Drink it in, ladies and Tonya, you will have to deal with this fact for an entire year.


Jeff said...

Does dead Tajh mean one more year of Tajh? If so, I might be on board with that. Clowney had 4.5 sacks against us, I can only imagine what Barkevious Mingo the Mandingo Warrior and crew will do. Over/under on Tajh sacks should be around 7 or 8.

Anonymous said...

Is Bud Carson is still alive?


GMoney said...

Bring back Chris Palmer(stine)!

GMoney said...

By the way, last night's game was the highest rated regular season game in 15 years. Everyone in America wanted to see AlfMo's 1991 Mazda. I meant to say this on Friday but tickets on StubHub were going for an AVERAGE of $719. Needless to say, DC was pretty pumped for that.

Oh man, what a day to turn Cowherd on. He apparently has shifted his throbbing clitoris to Andrew Luck and making statements like "interceptions are overrated". Of course a fan of Romo would say something like that. Not very CEREBRAL. That line of thinking is too GUTTERAL for my tastes.

I know two Seahawks fans. If you think that I haven't already fired off a slew of texts regarding how I will treat their b-hole on Sunday night then you don't know me. Kempton 22 can eat shit.

Anonymous said...

Does Nord count?