Monday, December 10, 2012

The Worst of Week Fourteen Vol.VI

Do you remember how awesome Matt Millen was with the Detroit Lions?  Oh, those were some terrific times.  But for as bad as Millen was as a president of an NFL team, I truly believe that Roger Goodell is just as awful running the entire league.  Take this week's profile in Time Magazine for example.  Ol' Ginger Dick apparently wants to eliminate the kickoff because it's more dangerous than war.  O RLY?  If you haven't heard, he wants to take it away from the game and replace it with the team that just scored getting a 4th and 15 from their own 30.  They can go for it or punt.  SO DUMB.  Yeah, that's what football fans want to see...Make It, Take It.

If the kickoff is tantamount to Kobe Bryant hotel rape (it is not) then how about this simple proposal as opposed to Goodell's tard plan: do it like they do in high school.  If the kick reaches the end zone, it's an automatic touchback.  I feel like most kickers just crush it through the end zone anyway which makes this idea even more stupid.  Stop pussifying the game, Rog.  No one cares about player safety.  Roger Goodell sucks.  Onto the rest of week fourteen's worst:

Josh Brent - Well look at that, another player death this week!  You've got to love dumb pro athletes who just refuse to use the car service that is readily available for them for free.  This whole situation is just sad though...because we only got rid of one Cowboy and not all of them.  COUNT IT.

Keyshawn Johnson - He took a break from wearing his own jersey (j/k, he would never do that) to mouth fart that young players don't have enough money to afford cabs and that is why they drunk drive and kill their buddies.  FYI, the minimum NFL salary in 2012 is $390,000.  Habib's cab fares must be ridiculous. Keyshawn is a fucking dolt. 

The Return or Romeo, Hillis, and Rainbow Tenor - One of the dumbest subplots of the season was the little ex-GF spat between Hillis and Joe Thomas earlier this week.  The Chiefs, built with a whole fuckload of ex-Browns, were coming back home to exact some revenge.  Or not.  The Chiefs are the worst.

Bad Browns Fans - I don't understand those that want their team to lose in order to get a higher draft pick.  If you have a QB then you shouldn't want to lose ever.  Whether or not you believe in Weeden is pointless because he is going to be there for the next few years.  These guys need to learn to win.  And they are.  Quit being a dipshit.

Tonya - She shit all over her Bengals to instead go to a Browns/Chiefs game in which she had no rooting interest at all.  WTF?  You deserved to lose that game and probably missing out on the playoffs for that tomfoolery.  Good job by the Bengals losing to Team Dead Guy.  Maybe one day Terrence Newman will learn how to catch.  By the way, always bet on teams who just had a guy die the day before.  They are 2-0 ATS. 

Andrew Luck - Let's slow down on calling goblin boy the GOAT.  Yeah, he is winning games and that is really all that matters BUT dude is leading the league in interceptions.  The same league also features weekly Mark Sanchez, too.  I just want to remind everyone that I picked the Colts to make the playoffs before the season started.  I CALLED THIS SHIT.

Jay Cutler's Head - He should just retire.  The Bears clearly do not care about his health.  Just walk away and start up another Laguna Beach franchise or something.  Adrian Peterson Update: still the best and the MVP because he is not a human being.  AP is the TROOF.

Norv > Tomlin - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Also Batch > Ben.  Who the fuck gets smoked by the Chargers at home?  They lost to the Browns!  It's a damn shame that the Bingles lost because I would truly enjoy the Steelers sitting at home in January.  But I can't be too mean since I will be rooting for them to kill more Cowboys next Sunday.  We know that James Harrison has the guns to mow a few down.

Atlanta getting punked - Leading up to the game, Panthers DE Greg Hardy called the Falcons frauds and fags and skidmarks and whatever.  He was right.  The Falcons suck.  Matt Ryan is hot garbage.  He was missing open receivers by ten yards all day.  Michael Turner is just a 300 pound ass with arms at this point.  This team peaked way too early.  They will lose their first playoff game yet again.

Cam Newton - Oh, how did you like his three months of trolling leading up to now?  Can you believe this guy?  If you somehow made your fantasy playoffs with Cam on your team, congratulations on the miracle, plus you are going to win your league.  GUARANTEED.  Cam is ELITE when there is nothing to play for.

Greg Schiano - It serves that douche right to lose a game like that to the terrible Eagles.  After Napoleon Dynamite threw the GW TD, She$ made the correct comment that the Eagles coaching staff are all 400 pounds.  Just gross people. 

RGKnee - Eh, it didn't look that great but he told Sal Pal that it will be fine.  Of course he would get hurt the week before I will be in the stadium to watch him be incredible.  But what a TRANSCENDENT backup QB play by Kirk Cousins!  Idiots keep saying things like "the Redskins appear to be a team of destiny" which is dumb but I'll take it.  These guys are hot as fuck right now in spite of a horrible secondary and I'm enjoying the ride.  Before the season, I had us at 8-8.  We're 7-6 and will be favored in the last three games.  I'll take that.  I really want to win the division.

The State of Arizona - This was the worst offensive game possibly ever.  I'm not just blaming the Cards, I'm blaming the entire state...ESPECIALLY Buke.  Speaking of you, just show up in Glendale today and offer to be their starting QB.  See what they say.

Drew Brees - OK now, this is two weeks of straight garbage from the Breesus.  And now that RG3sus is shaky, who will be the new -sus?  Adrian Pesustersen?  Nah, that makes too MUCH sense.  I'm just going to say it: Drew Brees sucks.

Gambling! - No great stories this week but I did play poker at the Hollywood Saturday night.  Played for 4 hours.  Played about 5 hands.  Lost 9 bucks.  Still better than hanging out with the wife, amirite!  I have no problem folding, but I HATE not even getting cards that would make me debate betting.

FANTASY! - I kicked FagNasty's ass in the MSFL first round and now face Damman in the semis.  Bring it.  After taking the week off with a bye in the DFL, I get to murder Mr. Ace in the semis in that one.  I missed the playoffs (likely) in the G$FL and that is unfortunate but Ide is a faggot so whatever.  Losing GRONK killed me in that league.

Finally, the week is upon us.  Seal (and the rest of you assholes that read and never comment like a bunch of free-loading shit-bricks), I'm coming and I'm bringing all of my African American Redskin fans with me.  The goal is to get up there around 9-9:30.  Griffin?  Cousins?  Grossman?  It doesn't matter.  Haven't you heard?  WE ARE A TEAM OF DESTINY!  There is no way in Hell that the Browns are capable of winning four games in a row.  Fuck yo' couches and Hail To The Redskins.

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Browns are in the hunt!! We are going to shred whats left of RG3s knee, which shouldn't be hard since he spends most his nights on them. Because he sucks dick. Haha, but no, seriously, I hope he doesn't play and we hate fuck Cousins out of the playoffs. That should rustle some jimmies.

It looks good that Ape will feel the long shaft of fantasy justice this week. G$ sitting out of his own league is totes LOLZ. The all white strategy was solid, but you're the worst.

Speaking of LOLZ, the Steelers will finish in last in the AFC norf. If the Browns beat Team Rainbow this week, then a BOOK IT call is coming. Grump, care to put ribs on a BROWNS SWEEP?

The Lions are bad.

I missed the story of the dead Cowboy Saturday, but when someone told me about it but didn't know which team they played for, (they were Steelers fan (ugh)) I said that I hoped it was a Cowboy.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Brady and Damman can be added to this list since they really believe the Browns have a shot at the playoffs. Don't get me wrong...I love watching the Browns win. But I'm also not getting emotionally invested when this team has done nothing but let me down in the past. But I certainly won't cheer for them to lose. Dumb.

GOD! I fucking love it when the Steelers lose. More and more as the days go by the real Mike Tomlin is being revealed. Way to win a ton of games when the talent someone else drafted are all in their prime, asshole! Now that all those rapey, dirtball faggots are getting silver bushed we're starting to see the kind of coach Tomlin really is. Average to shitty. Just know that I called Tomlin being terrible from day 1 when everyone else was pole shining.

GMoney said...

I really hope that he plays on Sunday. You guys deserve to see what you passed up on up close and personal. Damman says that it is supposed to be snowy with a high of 35 because why wouldn't a Redskins/Browns be miserable.

The white man let me down. But it's not teh first time that I missed the playoffs in that league. I'm in the semis of three other leagues--two of which I'm going for repeat titles--so I'll humbly accept that excellence.

We're going to win on Sunday...only if the Sex Cannon is activated.

GMoney said...

Mike Tomlin doesn't draft players. Very few head coaches do. But yeah, he isn't as great as everyone wants you to think.

He is no Kirk Cousins. Cousins QB Draw might be the most insane, ballsiest play call of the year.

Ice Man said...

Im not saying he's the be all end all of drafting. But as a head coach I'm sure he has some say in who they draft since he's the one coaching these assholes. But whatever...his true terrible coaching skills are starting to show and I fucking love it.

Mr. Ace said...

I was pissed when the Eagles won yesterday. Half our team will be cut and our coaching staff will be dismantled at the end of the year. Give me a Top 3 pick, please.

Ide, never count out White Welker. He can easily get 22 pts in a PPR league....and he will. Bryce Brown is a cunt.

My team is bouts to put up 150 in the DFL playoffs. Show Me Your TD's.

Anonymous said...

I LOVED the Kirk Cousins QB draw play. Of course people would have hammered the call if he got stuffed..but, he didn't and it was TOTES awesome and ballsy.

Lions game was frustrating...passing is difficult when you are on your 4th # 2 WR of the year and he's a 6'6'' white guy. The only reason to watch the Lions the rest of the way is to watch Megatron do Megatron things and watch Nick Fairley because he's pretty much a top 5 DT in the NFL right now. He is really, really, really fucking good.

Where is Grumps at to fight off these Steelers haterz?

What's Iceman discussing tomorrow since there is really no use discussing college football? I hope more interesting stories about Wheelz.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

LOZZZZ at Jeff and Grumpy - who loses at home to Rivers? And it wasnt even close, without your garbage time TD you lose by 3 socres! HA!

Who are the asshole Browns fans you know that want them to lose in sake of a better pick? They are the worst.

Couldnt agree more that this team needs to learn to win, expect to win and get USED to winning. I, like Iceman, am not getting my hopes up, as we all know what that leads to in Cleveland. It is pretty exciting to say we will be at a game in December that actually means something for both the Browns and 'Skins.

See your bitchass Sunday - Cant wait.

Seal

GMoney said...

Ape, I think it's OK for you to root for losses because your coach is gone and so are a ton of players and you will be in a total rebuild. It's OK to tank for that.

I couldn't stop laughing at random Lions white receiver. Where did they find that guy? H&R Block? At least you get the Cards next week!

I assume that Iceman will kick off the Bowl Pool tomorrow. Or do a frame-by-frame breakdown on Manti Te'o's neck garden that he wore on Saturday night.

Seal, I can assure you that I have a couple of FB friends whining about wins because they want better picks and Shurmur gone even though that makes no sense. You can't rebuild forever. Shurmur may not be great, but the team has won three in a row and that doesn't happen very often so maybe the team is buying into what he's selling.

I can't wait for Sunday...TWO HOTTEST TEAMS IN FOOTBAWWWWWWW! NBC should flex it into the night game because it would bring in Super Bowl-like ratings! FYI, we're probably not staying. Please update your calendar.

Ice Man said...

I will not reveal the contents of my Tuesday post for tomorrow. Just know that it will be just as OVERRATED as it normally is.

Mike Ditka needs to be banned from talking about football. He called Rivers a good quarterback this morning. OH! And kudos to whoever the shit stain was yesterday talking about the Dallas alcohol joyride after the Packers/Lions game. Couldn't even remember Jerry Brown Jr.'s name. Costas actually had to throw him a life preserver as he struggled to remember a guy from the practice squad. It was a lovely moment.

Anonymous said...

G$...apparently he was Stafford's roommate in college. So, yeahhhhhhhhh...the Lions were basically like, "We're out of receivers. Matt..you got any buddies that want to play Sunday night". He did make a sick grab early on I guess.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$...can you explain this A-Rod situation to me? So, he was playing with a torn hip toward the end of the year. His season ended in early October (due to the Tigers...LOLZ). But, he's not having surgery on this hip until mid-January? Which is going to cost him several months of the year. Why has this been delayed so long?

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Beat the Browns and Bengals and we're in the playoffs; that's all that matters at this point. New season.

Yes, that was embarrassing.

GMoney said...

Because very little that he does makes any sense (also how the organization handles him). They made him the fall guy even though it would have been easy as shit to leak word that he had a bad hip again. Dumb.

Anonymous said...

Word out of D.C. is that Griffin's knee injury has been diagnosed as rugburn.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

HOHOHO we've got a bunch of fucking Elaine Boosler's here today!

Jeff said...

Nothing to say here. At least the Ravens and Bengals lost too, and the Steelers get the Boyz next weekend which is good since the Steelers OWN the NFC LEAST.

CumDumpster III said...

LS,

Not funny. It's a legitimate ACL injury.

Anonymous said...

"I knew as soon as I got hit. I screamed. Like a man, of course," Griffin added with a laugh. "It hurt really bad."

lol, he even trolls himself.

Ide

Anonymous said...

G$

White folks, not hunting meth/crack, voluntarily going to Glendale is unheard of, but they really need some help... I had a nice interview with Coach Whisenhunt and workout with LFitz. Everything was in place for my NFL career to finally take off, but negotiations are on hold due to philosophical differences.

Coach Whisenhunt (avid money shot reader) seemed to be impressed that I was your holder in practice, but his refusal to let me bring the Wing T back to the NFL is gonna hold up negotiations for the forseeable future.

Buke

Ken Whisenhunt said...

Someone get me Scott Rex on the phone. I need a QB that can win.

GMoney said...

You running the wing t with Beanie Wells would revolutionize the sport. The fact that you already had your tryout and posted here tells me that you are on the same sleep schedule as Jon Gruden. In fact, you are this week's GRUDEN GRINDER.

Off topic but still relevant:
She$ had an office party or whatever on Friday and it was catered by City Barbecue (not my favorite, but still good). She brought home a huge thing of leftover pulled pork and brisket. I have eaten out of those containers for the last five meals. ELITE weekend eating. She asked me last night if I was getting sick of it. I slapped her across the mouth for saying something so ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

Two things I learned from Peter King's MMQB today...

*He answered his cell phone twice on the "Quiet Train" this week and got yelled at both times. What a dick.

*His fat ass likes lasagna so much he buys extra pieces to freeze.

Peter King is the worst.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

My Cal sources just called me to inform me that Colorado is hiring San Jose State's head coach.

You heard it here first.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Drew's Cal source is Pete Thamel, I finally figured it out.

Anonymous said...

Ape...false. I've got peeps on the ground.

Can we discuss how awesome Stephen Jackson the basketball player is? Tweeting about how you're going to beat Serge Ibaka's ass and punch him in the "mouf" is ELITE.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Also: Peter King is in love with Peyton Manning. I don't care how many surgeries he had, this comment section could win the AFC West.

Ice Man said...

Stephen Jackson is a tremendous character, Drew. It'll be a sad day when he retires. I love how people seem to forget how big of a cock sucker Jackson is just because he likes to give back to the community.

We haven't talked nearly enough about fantasy basketball here. I'm 5-1 right now and have already beat Prime once on the heels of starting Kyle Korver for almost an entire week. Hang your head in shame, son.

Brady said...

I wouldn't say I'm emotionally invested but until they are out of it completely... BELIEVELAND!

I hope RG3 plays. I don't want any excuses when we win.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...I'm 5-1 as well and have been rolling with Amare on my roster all year....plus Paula Gasol.

--Drew

Ice Man said...

The benefits of playing in a league with shitheads. The following players were either dropped/not drafted and picked up by me:

John Wall
Andrea Bargnani
Jeff Teague
DeMar DeRozan

My only regret was not snagging Damian Lillard when I had the chance in the draft. I pussed out at the last second and took Fatty Felton instead. Who isn't having a bad year...but I would rather have Lillard at this point.

GMoney said...

My team sucks because Dirk and John Wall are CUNTS. They were supposed to be back by now dammit!

Also a giant gash: Anthony Davis who never plays anymore.

Brady, if we were to lose, my only excuse would be "typical fucking Redskins".

Anonymous said...

Browns win out, Jets lose once, Bengals and Steelers lose twice. We're in! BELIEVELAND!

-Damman

GMoney said...

How sad is it that you need the Jets to lose?

Mr. Ace said...

I'll believe it when my shit turns people and smells like rainbow sherbert.

Grumpy said...

Just to remind G$ that I guaranteed that 'Skins win.

Ravens in free fall; just fired Cam Cameron. He's the reason Flacco sucks.

GMoney said...

Wow...Bobby Petrino is taking the Western Kentucky job. What a terrible hire. Why even bother with a guy who will be gone in one or two years tops???

Grump, please guarantee that the Redskins win out and that RG3sus never gets hurt again (physically and emotionally of course).

Ice Man said...

"Browns win out, Jets lose once, Bengals and Steelers lose twice. We're in! BELIEVELAND!"

This is such a stupid thing to have faith in. ONLY 10 THINGS NEED TO HAPPEN IN THE NEXT 3 WEEKS AND WE'RE IN, MAN!!

GMoney said...

Also: What the fuck is going on with Homeland? This once ELITE show has gone completely off the rails this season. They've crammed about 4 seasons worth of good storylines into 12 episodes and it is moving way too fast.

Hell, I am almost expecting to see Brody's weiner kids running from a cougar and Johnny Drama in some random forest during next week's finale at this point.

Anonymous said...

I hope all the Brody's die, personally. The show is a trainwreck though. Saul is gone, Carrie is still a 'visitor', and now this black ops guy is going to go HAM on Brody (hopefully). How are they even going to continue this show? At least they jumped the shark early so I wont have to bother.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Keep being Debbie Downer, Iceman. Brady and I will welcome you with open arms when you're ready to get on board.

In all seriousness, the Browns winning out is easily the most unlikliest of the things that need to happen. Jets lose once (child please), Bengals lose twice (could easily happen), Steelers lose twice (have you seen the Steelers play lately?). Extremely unlikely? Yes. Impossible? No.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Adding to Damman's comment...

Winning out is highly unlikely, BUT not impossible either if you think about it - we could have the Skins without RG3, the Steelers will be tough to beat in Pitt but they blow right now, and the Broncos may have the 1 or 2 seed locked up and could bench Peyton. Its not likely, but not impossible...

But the sports gods do hate Cleveland, so who am I kidding.

Seal

Grumpy said...

I say this with all seriousness. I'm happy that the Browns fans here actually have a reason to stay tuned in for the rest of the season. I can't imagine how miserable your lives have been every fall.

Anonymous said...

Homeland moving too fast? Are you 100? Odd statement. I think NCIS or Cold Case might be more your speed. You and Ide are the Cardinals of television viewership.

Dexter & Homeland were both great last night. The finales will not dissappoint.

Doakes is still one of the finest characters ever.

"Fuck You Morgan"

Buke

Anonymous said...

You're wrong. It is going to be NCIS after this season. There is no plausible scenario going forward that would bring everyone together without some retarded leap of imagination.

Season 3 must be some *other* terrorist that Carrie knew from her days in sandville. The mole is the only storyline they haven't addressed yet.

Ide

Ice Man said...

"Winning out is highly unlikely, BUT not impossible either if you think about it - we could have the Skins without RG3, the Steelers will be tough to beat in Pitt but they blow right now, and the Broncos may have the 1 or 2 seed locked up and could bench Peyton. Its not likely, but not impossible..."

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GMoney said...

Iceman, quit being a fag. Your team--which is TERRIBLE, mind you--is still playing meaningful games in mid-December. That's incredible. No one is asking you to get roped in because the possibility of an 8-8 Browns team getting sacrificed to the Patriots in round one is highly unlikely...but that doesn't mean that you can't believe.

Hell, my team just got their QB hurt, need to jump the Seahawks and/or Bears, or need to finish higher than the Super Bowl champs and I STILL think that we can win the Super Bowl if we get in. That is simply because being a lunatic fan is AWESOME.

You misread me. I can keep up with Homeland just fine. I just don't like every story being crammed into one season when it could be stretched out into multiple seasons. Then again, it was initially written for Brody to blow that bomb and die last year so clearly they are just winging it. Chris Brody always makes me laugh at how dumb he is. HEY MA, LOOGIT ALL THESE BIG TVS!

Ice Man said...

MOTHERFUCKER! I've been a fan of one of the most losingest franchises in the history of all sports. This team has done nothing but let me down since I can remember. I've earned the right to be a crotchety old bastard about this God Dammit!