Monday, December 10, 2012
If the kickoff is tantamount to Kobe Bryant hotel rape (it is not) then how about this simple proposal as opposed to Goodell's tard plan: do it like they do in high school. If the kick reaches the end zone, it's an automatic touchback. I feel like most kickers just crush it through the end zone anyway which makes this idea even more stupid. Stop pussifying the game, Rog. No one cares about player safety. Roger Goodell sucks. Onto the rest of week fourteen's worst:
Josh Brent - Well look at that, another player death this week! You've got to love dumb pro athletes who just refuse to use the car service that is readily available for them for free. This whole situation is just sad though...because we only got rid of one Cowboy and not all of them. COUNT IT.
Keyshawn Johnson - He took a break from wearing his own jersey (j/k, he would never do that) to mouth fart that young players don't have enough money to afford cabs and that is why they drunk drive and kill their buddies. FYI, the minimum NFL salary in 2012 is $390,000. Habib's cab fares must be ridiculous. Keyshawn is a fucking dolt.
The Return or Romeo, Hillis, and Rainbow Tenor - One of the dumbest subplots of the season was the little ex-GF spat between Hillis and Joe Thomas earlier this week. The Chiefs, built with a whole fuckload of ex-Browns, were coming back home to exact some revenge. Or not. The Chiefs are the worst.
Bad Browns Fans - I don't understand those that want their team to lose in order to get a higher draft pick. If you have a QB then you shouldn't want to lose ever. Whether or not you believe in Weeden is pointless because he is going to be there for the next few years. These guys need to learn to win. And they are. Quit being a dipshit.
Tonya - She shit all over her Bengals to instead go to a Browns/Chiefs game in which she had no rooting interest at all. WTF? You deserved to lose that game and probably missing out on the playoffs for that tomfoolery. Good job by the Bengals losing to Team Dead Guy. Maybe one day Terrence Newman will learn how to catch. By the way, always bet on teams who just had a guy die the day before. They are 2-0 ATS.
Andrew Luck - Let's slow down on calling goblin boy the GOAT. Yeah, he is winning games and that is really all that matters BUT dude is leading the league in interceptions. The same league also features weekly Mark Sanchez, too. I just want to remind everyone that I picked the Colts to make the playoffs before the season started. I CALLED THIS SHIT.
Jay Cutler's Head - He should just retire. The Bears clearly do not care about his health. Just walk away and start up another Laguna Beach franchise or something. Adrian Peterson Update: still the best and the MVP because he is not a human being. AP is the TROOF.
Norv > Tomlin - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Also Batch > Ben. Who the fuck gets smoked by the Chargers at home? They lost to the Browns! It's a damn shame that the Bingles lost because I would truly enjoy the Steelers sitting at home in January. But I can't be too mean since I will be rooting for them to kill more Cowboys next Sunday. We know that James Harrison has the guns to mow a few down.
Atlanta getting punked - Leading up to the game, Panthers DE Greg Hardy called the Falcons frauds and fags and skidmarks and whatever. He was right. The Falcons suck. Matt Ryan is hot garbage. He was missing open receivers by ten yards all day. Michael Turner is just a 300 pound ass with arms at this point. This team peaked way too early. They will lose their first playoff game yet again.
Cam Newton - Oh, how did you like his three months of trolling leading up to now? Can you believe this guy? If you somehow made your fantasy playoffs with Cam on your team, congratulations on the miracle, plus you are going to win your league. GUARANTEED. Cam is ELITE when there is nothing to play for.
Greg Schiano - It serves that douche right to lose a game like that to the terrible Eagles. After Napoleon Dynamite threw the GW TD, She$ made the correct comment that the Eagles coaching staff are all 400 pounds. Just gross people.
RGKnee - Eh, it didn't look that great but he told Sal Pal that it will be fine. Of course he would get hurt the week before I will be in the stadium to watch him be incredible. But what a TRANSCENDENT backup QB play by Kirk Cousins! Idiots keep saying things like "the Redskins appear to be a team of destiny" which is dumb but I'll take it. These guys are hot as fuck right now in spite of a horrible secondary and I'm enjoying the ride. Before the season, I had us at 8-8. We're 7-6 and will be favored in the last three games. I'll take that. I really want to win the division.
The State of Arizona - This was the worst offensive game possibly ever. I'm not just blaming the Cards, I'm blaming the entire state...ESPECIALLY Buke. Speaking of you, just show up in Glendale today and offer to be their starting QB. See what they say.
Drew Brees - OK now, this is two weeks of straight garbage from the Breesus. And now that RG3sus is shaky, who will be the new -sus? Adrian Pesustersen? Nah, that makes too MUCH sense. I'm just going to say it: Drew Brees sucks.
Gambling! - No great stories this week but I did play poker at the Hollywood Saturday night. Played for 4 hours. Played about 5 hands. Lost 9 bucks. Still better than hanging out with the wife, amirite! I have no problem folding, but I HATE not even getting cards that would make me debate betting.
FANTASY! - I kicked FagNasty's ass in the MSFL first round and now face Damman in the semis. Bring it. After taking the week off with a bye in the DFL, I get to murder Mr. Ace in the semis in that one. I missed the playoffs (likely) in the G$FL and that is unfortunate but Ide is a faggot so whatever. Losing GRONK killed me in that league.
Finally, the week is upon us. Seal (and the rest of you assholes that read and never comment like a bunch of free-loading shit-bricks), I'm coming and I'm bringing all of my African American Redskin fans with me. The goal is to get up there around 9-9:30. Griffin? Cousins? Grossman? It doesn't matter. Haven't you heard? WE ARE A TEAM OF DESTINY! There is no way in Hell that the Browns are capable of winning four games in a row. Fuck yo' couches and Hail To The Redskins.