Friday, December 28, 2012

The 2012 Money Shot Man of the Year (and Commenter of the Year)

This post has quickly moved to the top of my favorite yearly posts to write list as it sort of encompasses an entire year’s worth of terrible bloggings to determine who the best of the best is. It has not been the most pleasant year in the world of sports/pop culture. I was ignored by Julie Chen in my efforts to be the greatest reality TV star of all time. Jersey Shore clogged my TV’s toilet in their final season. A bunch of assholes won titles on the playing fields. I mean, look at SI’s Sportsman of the Year, LeBron James? I’m not honoring him ever. This is why I asked for help with nominees for the 2012 Money Shot Man of the Year. But I think that we ended up with a quality list of men and an excellent champion to follow in the footsteps of these past titans to win the award:

2010 – Arthur Moats and Corey Wootton (the two men who ended Brett Favre’s career)
2011 – Steve Shubin (inventor of the Fleshlight)
2012 – ???

First things first, yesterday I promised to unveil the inaugural Commenter of the Year award. You probably didn’t realize that you were building or destroying your resume for this trophy every day over the past year BUT YOU WERE! Since Iceman has dubbed himself a “Senior Writer” here, I asked him for his opinion on who deserves this not OVERRATED distinction. He said that one commenter stood above the crowd all year with his humor and creativity that never seemed forced and it was actually exactly who I was thinking of as well. This was not a tough choice for either of us. Gentlemen, the winner of the 2012 Commenter of the Year Award goes to the same stalwart that is holding the MSFL Championship Belt…
When it comes to his comments, your satisfaction is ALWAYS guaranteed.

PRIME! I think the key to this great victory was twofold:
1. He isn’t a blatant homer that annoys everyone (which is rare around here) and
2. He didn’t comment AS Chip Kelly. He commented as himself relaying Chip’s message to the masses. That was huge.

Congrats to our Pac-12 North beat reporter and future father to DeMarcus Cousins’ son. Make sure that you put this on your resume. Everyone will be impressed. Now let’s get to the nominees for Money Shot Man of the Year:

The San Francisco Giants – Do you remember when Tigers fans got all cocky and shit when they made the playoffs as the 7th best team in the American League and then took advantage of two ice cold teams to win the pennant? No big deal, just bring in the queers to put them in their place. We should have all seen it coming when Posey and the Melkster unloaded on Houseboatlander in the ASG. Then Barry Zito showed his superior pitching acumen again in game 1 as the Giants went on to sweep the trash back to their shanties. They did the world a huge favor and celebrating in Detroit was just the best.

Maurice Clarett – I like the new direction of his life. He is morphing into a black Pete Rose where he will show up anywhere to sell his garbage to dumb people and say that it is for charity. Mo snubbed Spengy-gate and claimed to have made more money in college than he does for the Omaha Steaks or whatever their name is. I just like knowing that he’ll always be lurking around Champions Lane (which is 12-OH Row now and that is a GODDAMN JOKE…it will always be Champions Lane to me!).

Walton Goggins – The former Sugar Shane Vendrell may have had the best year of all time. He was in Lincoln and Django Unchained. He played a tranny hooker on Sons of Anarchy as the lovely Venus Van Damme (a hat tip to his alias on The Shield—best non-HBO show of all time). AND he is one of the greatest characters of all time (the great Boyd Crowder) on Justified. Let’s also not forget that this is the same guy who was Matt “Downtown” Anderson in Major League 3: Back to the Minors. Ted McGinley was a great rival manager.

Adrian Peterson – I’m pretty sure that this dude is a real life Terminator. What he does every week is absolutely amazing. He will be the first pick in almost every fantasy league which is incredible considering the team he plays for and the knee injury that didn’t bother him at all. Plus, his cameo on The League was great. I guarantee that he boned Brooklyn Decker on set. They don’t call him Awesome Dong for nothing.

Chip Kelly – Sorry, Chip, but you fell just short of the title this year. Ever since you started dropping quotes on Prime, you have been a beacon of sunshine to this oft-dark corner of the internet. You keep saying that KC is your next destination and I will take your word for it even though you don’t strike me as a guy that would want to deal with Peyton Hillis. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck against Bill Snyder Chevy Olds. Or does he own the Wash & Fill?

Robert Griffin III – STRAIGHT. Two years ago, I promised to never get attached to an athlete the way I did with LeBron James. Whoops. This time might actually be worse. Remember last year when John Beck started a few games for the Skins? Terrific. RG3 is the most exciting player in the league and while I completely understand you guys trying to constantly get under my skin with your blatant homophobia, I know that you all love watching Bobby Griff play football. Merry Griffmas, asshats.

And the 2012 Money Shot Man of the Year Award goes to…
Making it rain daily here since 2006.

Me. It goes to me and ME alone. I’ve had a great year and it was about time that I took the trophy home. Let’s list my ELITE accomplishments:
*College football season ticket holder
*Never missed a day without having something posted here (tip of the hat to my Junior Executive—you just got demoted)
*Like I said, the rest of the world kind of sucked this year
*Killed Osama bin Laden
*NFL fandom is re-invigorated
*Back to back DFL Champion
*Auction league ace (last two years in three leagues—3 titles, a second, and two thirds)
*Hates Drew
*Training like a champ for Run For Your Lives
*I fucking run this site and it’s about time that it recognized my greatness

It was a banner year for G$ (as well as his ego) and I am honored to be immortalized with the Favre Killers and Mr. Shubin. We are the ELITE of the ELITE. THANK YOU!  What an honor!

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like Prime, so that was a good choice.

LOLZ @ choosing yourself tho. You've had a terrible year. You are a season ticket holder to a god awful football program that started Urban Meyer's streak of never losing a game as head coach of THE Ohio State University. You basically got the Big Brother cock slapped on your face. You root for a homosexual QB in the NFL that is also a "corn ball" brotha. And last but not least, I honestly think you take advantage of/touch Slow Seal due to his slowness and that's not cool.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I still feel bad that Prime went undrafted in Ape and I's commenter draft a few years ago. Clearly, he used that as commenting motivation.

I have had a banner year. You just jelly. Why don't you worry about getting your staff of fags in line so you can show up here more often and annoy everyone?

How about that miracle cover by UC last night? Duke football blows, GSaul. So does BG and everyone who went to BG. They each have the herpes sores to prove it.

MUDawgfan said...

Congrats to G$ and Prime!

Two coupons for Free Trips to the Wendy's SuperBar will be sent in the mail to your home address.

GMoney said...

Whoa! I didn't know that this came with perks!

Anonymous said...

The Wendys Super Bar was ELITE!

Somewhere in California Primes morning wood is about to fall down...only to be revived when he sees what he's won!

Grumpy bought a bunch of us ribs and he still didn't win...he must be depressed.

Can we officially label Deron Williams a coach killer?

--Drew

ACE said...

Shocker of the century, Iceman picked Prime. Now they can add a new role play to their repertoire.

The MOtY should be Tress/Pryor for keeping the Fuckeyes out of the Championship.

Commenter draft was yet another ELITE contribution of mine.

ACE said...

Solid point, Drew. Timmy Tens got us ribs on Grump's dime and neither get the nod. DISRESPEKFUL.

The Iceman said...

SENIOR WRITER, BITCH! I fucking bring Journalistic credibility to this site. The useless piece of paper I have from BGSU tells me so.

GMoney said...

Timmy Tens has ruined the aura of Timmy Tens for me with his constant news coverage this season. Those ribs were shit out a long time ago just like my fond memories of Tenor.

Grumpy was not considered because he is a Steelers fan.

Ape, the draft was my idea, I believe. You were just the rival GM. My team was way better. You drafted Iceman #1 overall! That was bad value.

Drew, much to the dismay of many here, we will be catching up on the NBA some time next week (Thursday or Friday). The shitheadery of Deron will be addressed.

GMoney said...

By the way, if you want to know the rest of the commenter of the year results, just know that Ide and Jeff tied for dead last. Second place was Racist Gruden.

Ice Man said...

I think 3rd place was VerSkoalStraightFineCutlander.

I'm the Adrian Peterson of fake drafts. You want to build your commenter team around my sturdy haunches. Is it possible to be a steal AND UNDERRATED at #1 overall? I believe so...since the #1 overall was me.

I picked Prime because he didn't try to convince this entire site that San Antonio was going to demolish the Thunder in last year's WCF. NEVER FORGET how big of a block head fucking homer Ace is. Often his blind fandom gets swept under the rug and overshadowed by those (Drew, Brady, Seal, Damman, etc) way more abrasive than he is.

Anonymous said...

Congrats to Prime! Compared to everyone else, except me, he is clearly the best commenter on this site.

In the future, I say we put it to a commentariat vote with the one rule being that you cannot vote for yourself. Alter egos should be eligible for consideration, too.

G$ as the MOTY is horseshit. I honestly feel like (in his own mind) his dong grows by 2 inches (or 50%) just as a result of the Redskins being relevant again. Damn you RG3. (Full Disclosure: all dong information about G$ was brought to you by none other than, RG3.)

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

To pull a Peter King...

Name 5 people better than me this year. You can't!

In the future, we may have to have separate categories for CotY: Fake and Real.

Prime99 said...

Wow. This really is an honor. I'm glad to add this hardware next to my MSFL championship!

G$ is right- being shut out of the commenting draft was a motivating factor to rise up and claim this coveted award.

I told my wife about the D. Cousins joke. She said, "No wonder I've been craving fried chicken!"

Mr. Ace said...

Go back and look that Spurs shit up. I was certainly confident, but there were non-fans on here(Drew maybe?) that were beating the Spurs drum much harder than I was leading up to that series. The Thunder scared me and I was trying to hide it with my bravado. Im just a scared little boy deep down.

That commenter draft had to be my idea. It just had to.

Jeff said...

Dead last is quite an accomplishment with all the degenerates around here, considering I was November commentor of the month(yes, I was, when I became a TWOLVES fan). I'll take it as a complement.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Prime!!

I hope this is motivation enough to bring back your own blog in 2013.

Ide sucks big black penis too

Buke

Ice Man said...

"Ide sucks big black penis too"

Buke is already making a run at 2014 commenter of the year.

Grumpy said...

Prime deserves the honor if for no other reason than he is the only commenter we are sure can get it up.

G$ picking himself is obviously a desperate plea for attention. He's about to go postal on his co-workers.

GMoney said...

Buke should have saved that comment for next week!

Ace, that was definitely me that was on Pop's face craters. I was banging the shit out of those holes. He made me look like a fool.

ELITE reply from Mrs. Prime. You may have married Racist Gruden after all.

I gave Jeff Commenter of the Month? I must have been on bath salts.

Anyone who is against my victory has yet to come up with a better challenger. I even gave you an entire day to nominate people. I'M THE BEST.

Anonymous said...

Fuck all of yous. Walton Goggins is twice the man and 15 times the tranny than G$ will ever be. NO ONE DENIES THIS. What a cunty vote. And he can dance jigs. You like faggot QBs!

Buke Dalton will be severely butthurt after he feels the long lifeless shaft of Eric LeGrands Legs stuffing his pooper with gusto this Sunday.

The blog commentariate is a bunch of freedom hating blue gums.

Ide

Ice Man said...

DeMarcus Cousins deserves it over you, G$. My case:

*The father of Prime's child.

*Takes hilarious photos with the whitest Mormon on the team and posts them to Twitter.

*Shit talked Tim Duncan.

*Tried to fist fight Sean Elliott while he was still in his game uniform after Elliott called him out on it.

*Punched Orange Juice Mayonaise in the testicles during a game for absolutely no reason.

*Went off on Keith Smart at halftime of a game, was told to stay in the locker room, then was suspended indefinitely.

*All this happened (with the exception of planting his seed in Mrs. Prime) in the first quarter of the NBA season.

Give this man his due.

GMoney said...

Twitter = disqualification

Real men abstain from that garbage medium. Also, I'm a white guy.

Brady said...

Congrats to Prime and G$!

Fun fact about Sean Elliot: He used 1.7 million gallons of water in the last year alone! Thats some good hustle.

Prime99 said...

DeMarcus is the biggest topic on SacTown talk radio! People hates that neighbor!

G$ missed at least 1/4 of my commenting material by not being on Twitter, though I did text him some random dude calling Brandon McCarthy a faggot based on his opinion that Miggy should not have won MVP. That alone made it worth being on Twitter. Oh, and Brady live tweeting Indians games...

Ice Man said...

G$ talks hard shit but he'll be on Twitter one of these days. If nothing else than to follow the guys from KSK and Deadspin.

Robert Griffin III said...

G$. Join Twitter so you can masturbate to picutres of me blowing guys.

GMoney said...

Whoever bet on me to not join Twitter by 2013 should collect their money now.

GMoney said...

Since we're talking about the ELITE of the ELITE men today, how awesome is Lomas Brown? He would be a shoe-in for 1994 MSMotY with his 18 years later admission of tanking plays on purpose in order to get Scott Mitchell hurt. I support all things that negatively impact the life of Scott Mitchell.

BRING BACK WAYNE FONTES!

Prime99 said...

The person that bet you was RGIII and he won't pay cash, but he will give you a championship reach-around.

Brady said...

I can't wait to live tweet me some Swisher. It's going to be brah-tastic! Only four months to go before I clog up your timeline, Prime!

I don't know why you wouldn't want to join Twitter, G$. It's basically where I get all of my sports news these days. You get porn, hilarious parody accounts to follow and, unlike Facebook, don't have to see the 107th LOLZ pic of some bitch's kid you went to high school with. Just cave already bro.

Ice Man said...

"unlike Facebook, don't have to see the 107th LOLZ pic of some bitch's kid you went to high school with"

Behold. The only sentence Brady has ever typed here that is worth paying attention to.

Ice Man said...

And Swisher is a Buckeye, Brady! HOOOOO boy is Twitter gonna light up come baseball season!!

GMoney said...

OH MY GOD...TERRELLE PRYOR IS STARTING AT QUARTERBACK FOR THE RAIDERS ON SUNDAY! STEAL FROM YOU, STEAL FROM ME!

Prime99 said...

That kicks in TP's bonus of "extra free tattoos."