Wednesday, December 05, 2012

One On One With Nick Lachey

I want to believe that he fought this stupid kid.
If you recall, our very own Tonya has admitted to being somehow related to the WORLD FAMOUS Lachey family of—I don’t know—pop culture stardom. One of them seems to pop up from time to time to make all the housewives in shitty villages swoon. Anyway, T-Dawg promised to eventually get me an EXCLUSIVE interview with the #1 fan of the Cincinnati Bearcats and, yes, it did happen. Would I lie to you? You’re probably asking yourself, “Why is G$ talking to Nick Lachey now?” Well, that only shows me that you don’t check out very many Newlyweds message boards.

Actually, Nick and his BRAHs had a bit of an issue this past Sunday. They all put on their finest empty seat suits and headed to San Diego to take in a game between Norv Turner’s face craters and Nick’s beloved Bingles. It did not go according to plan. After some sort of minor altercation, Nick and his friends were asked to leave the stadium before the game ended. I need to get to the bottom of this so I sexted my girl Tonya for a hook-up and she hooked it up indeed.

G$: SUP BROOOOOOOOOO!!! I live in Ohio!
Nick: Hi. That isn’t a question though. My…uh, relation, said that you wanted to talk to me. As you know, I’ll do anything for attention.
G$: Whoa whoa whoa…well get to the smell of your wife’s lady region later.

G$: Sounds like you ran into a little trouble on Sunday? Did one of the 12 Chargers fans not know who you were?
Nick: You know me; I’m all about having a blast with my bros. Sometimes, you just run into some buzzkills though and they ruin it for everyone. I mean, we were just minding our own business and cheering on Pacman Jones when one of our seat neighbors called that asshole hotline and we were asked to leave. It happens.
G$: I would have told the rent-a-cop to get fucked. Those asshole hotlines are for PUSSIES. Not pussy slayers like you and I.
Nick: I don’t disagree with that.

G$: They were probably pissed because their team sucks and the scorching heat that day.
Nick: Maybe, but the weather was beautiful like always in San Diego.
G$: Really? I read that it was…98 DEGREES! COUNT IT! In your face! IN YOUR FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!
Nick: How clever. I’ve never heard that before.
G$: Suck my left nut, Lachey! I burned you good, you scrote! Just wait until I shove an O-Town reference up your box.
Nick: I wasn’t in O-Town.
G$: You’re goddamn right you weren’t because O-Town was comprised entirely of legit musicians that knew how to croon.

(G$ spends the next 4 minutes expertly singing “All or Nothing” a capella)

G$: So are your Bengals going to make it to the playoffs or what?
Nick: We’ve got a pretty good shot. The Steelers are still rock solid and the Colts have that Chuckstrong karma, but I believe that we are MARVINTOUGH. Have you seen Bruce Gradkowski recently? He looks like a homeless terrorist.
G$: As a follow-up, how awesome was it to see your ex-wife naked ten years ago? It’s not very appetizing anymore, mind you—HIGH FIVE!—but that was some excellent ass you were pulling in the late 90’s/early 2000’s.
Nick: Eh, I’ve had better. Her dad could do things with his tongue that you couldn’t even begin to imagine. No homo, of course, on my end. Yes homo on Joe’s end.

(Nick mimes a sex act that not even I can describe…it looks uncomfortable though)

G$: Terrific. You appear to be a huge UC Bearcat fan. First of all, FUCK UC. Second, do you think that Butch Jones is as terrible of a coach as I do? I mean, his entire career was built off of Brian Kelly’s players at multiple stops.
Nick: Butch Jones is shit. I can’t wait for him to take another job so we can get a coach that doesn’t have a weird wart on his ear. He should take Uncle Buck’s advice and have a rat gnaw that thing off his face.
G$: An Uncle Buck reference? My goodness is it getting hot in here or is it just my burning loins?

G$: My wife is the only person in America that watches The Sing Off. You owe me money.
Nick: I agreed to talk to you. We’re even. Queer.
G$: Fair enough. I withdraw my objection…only if I can ice you, BRAH!

(G$ ices Nick…he pounds it in one gulp)

G$: Last question; I’m pretty sure that your broseph, Drew Lachey, is also our Commenter Drew. Can you confirm or deny?
Nick: Probably not the same person but they’re both fags that know nothing about sports. If you need a ballroom dancing expert, they are probably your guy.
G$: Thanks for clearing that up and for spending a little time with The Money Shot.
Nick: Not a problem; just never forget that I’m more awesome than Mario Lopez.

Nick Lachey, everybody!!! He may give off a douchey bro vibe, but the guy was born or lived in Harlan, KY so you know that he is at least somewhat awesome. He might even know Dickie Bennett!  Thanks again, Tonya, for “setting this up”.

55 comments:

Grumpy said...

Went to Miami and then shows up everywhere in uc gear. Total douchebag.

Nice Dickie Bennet reference. I'm going to miss him. Ma too.

MUDawgfan said...

LOL Wisconsin

Anonymous said...

Grumps....I can not call Nick Lachey a douchebag. He fucked Jessica Simpson in her prime hundreds...if not thousands of times and then dumped her when she started showing the FFP (Future Fat Potential). The man is brilliant. Jessica Simpson in her prime is about as hot as a woman can get. If Nick Lachey was willing to tell me sex stories about those days, I would sit Indian Style on the floor and listen like I was a child sitting in front of Santa tell me a Christmas story.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

WENT to Miami, but DIDN'T GRADUATE from Miami. Probably harbors envy towards those that did just like all UC graduates, hence why he wears their gear.

Anonymous said...

"If Nick Lachey was willing to tell me sex stories about those days, I would sit Indian Style on the floor and listen like I was a child sitting in front of Santa tell me a Christmas story."

I second this - best thing Drew has ever posted.

Seal

Anonymous said...

MUDawg...I'm not ready to "LOLZ Wisconsin" just yet. Let's see who they hire. Bielema is an extremely OVERRATED coach. I mean...the guy punted on 4th and 10 from the OSU 30 this year.

I am still ready to LOLZ @ Slow Seal and Kentucky tho. Remember that Baylor team that won AT Kentucky this past weekend. Northwestern went into Baylor last night and punked those fools smart kids style. B1G! B1G! B1G! B1G!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew - you boner for Kentucky losing is way too out of control. The first 5 games of the season were LOL worthy, but we all know they suck now, especially me. It would be like be making a scene on here every time the Pistons lost - you and I both know they suck. EXCEPT the Pistons didnt win the title last year. Eat shit, we are the current champs.

If you were to tell me that UK was going to win a title with arguably one of the greatest teams in the last 30 years of college hoops, then not make the tourny (which absolutely wont happen - they will be in even with 12 losses), and follow that up with another incredible recruiting class - I would take that all day long.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal...good analogy EXCEPT the Pistons weren't thoguht of before the season as one of the best teams in the NBA. In fact, they were thought of as one of the worst teams in the NBA.

I'll continue to chuckle when Kentucky does things like make the biggest one week tumble out of the AP Top 25 of all time.

--Drew

GMoney said...

the Pistons weren't thoguht of before the season as one of the best teams in the NBA. In fact, they were thought of as one of the worst teams in the NBA.

Speak for yourself. We all know that Iceman has this Pistons team down for an 8peat.

But seriously, this has to be the least interesting and entertaining feud of all time. Your championship team lost two games in one week LULLLLZLZZZZ DUMB.

Then again, we all know how TOTES SERIOUS Drew takes those AP polls.

The best part about writing up this delicious post was actually twofold:
1. Searching for classic Jessica Simpson pics pre-cow days
2. Having that O-Town song stuck in my head. That is one of music's finest right there. IS THIS HOW IT ENDS WITH A SIMPLE TELEPHONE CALL YOU LEAVE ME HERE WITH NOTHING AT ALL!!!

Doesn't Mama Lachey still teach at Miami???

Mr. Ace said...

Drew's favorite O-Town song is Liquid Dreams.

Back in '05(?) Lange and I went and partied with Lachey while he was watching Cincy in the first round of March Madness. Seemed like a real brah.

Jessica Simpson was top-shelf poon back in the day. I bet Nick banged the ugly sister all the time before deflowering Jessica.

Jeff said...

TWOLVES holdin down the 8th playoff spot bitches!!!

Tonya said...

Anytime G$... Of course I wouldn't leave you hanging! I would be surprised if Mama Lachey was doing anything other than sitting on her couch eating bonbons all day.

Ace, did you go and party with him or did you just happen to be in the same general vicinity as him?

Mr. Ace said...

Tonya, Nick made me promise not to tell or else I will have to give back my signed copy of the Christmas album.

Tonya said...

Fair enough Ace. Can't argue with that.

Prime99 said...

Great stuff and informative! Didn't realize Simpson's dad had a male escort- that is top shelf research to match top shelf Smirnoff Ice.

No LFO reference? Though, I did appreciate an entire rendition of "All Or Nothing."

Another fun fact, anyone see Jim Harbaugh as Screech's cousin in SBTB: The New Class? It made at least as much sense as JimBRAH's press conferences.

Grumpy said...

New Orleans Pelicans. LOLZ, whatever that means.

Ice Man said...

Pistons will 8 peat with Austin Daye taking home finals MVP honors.

But seriously...pistons don't look like a terrible playoff pick anymore. Only 3 and a half back from the 8 spot after a horrific start.

Anonymous said...

With Tonya's questioning of Ape's "party" with Lachey...I'm starting to think she was just a 98 degrees groupie and that's why she married into the family.

Grumpy...it means their mascot is a Pelican. A Pelican is a bird that is found around coasts that has a big beak and mouth, so that it can scoop up fish. I have provided you with a link to the wikipedia page for "Pelicans", so that you can learn more about them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pelicans

--Drew

Ice Man said...

LOUISIANA IS THE PELICAN STATE GRUMPY! RESPECK!!!

But for real. TOTES gay as fuck.

Brady said...

A fantastic interview, G$. ELITE boy band references today.

L O FUCKING L at Arkansas. Four million dollars a year is nothing to sneeze at but Biels is going to get raped in the SEC. I love the fact that I can go troll Wisky fan on the internet today. Your school is not a destination! It appears to be a stepping stone to greener pastures. You can now pretty much pencil in Ohio St. for the Big Ten title game the next next five years.

GMoney said...

It makes more sense than a Hornet. I like it although I would prefer something more locally specific like the NOLA SHOWYOURTITS.

Apparently, Tonya is seeking a companion to go to the Cowboys/Bengals game with her this Sunday. I'm not sure if a hummer is included so I will assume that it is.

GMoney said...

I love the fact that I can go troll Wisky fan on the internet today.

That is the saddest sentence ever written.

Jeff said...

New Orleans should be the HURRICANES. Amirite? Actually maybe the knicks and nets are fighting over who gets to be the hurricanes.

Tonya said...

"Apparently, Tonya is seeking a companion to go to the Cowboys/Bengals game with her this Sunday. I'm not sure if a hummer is included so I will assume that it is."

This would definitely up the original asking price.

Anonymous said...

Brady...answer the fucking question on if you are rooting for ND in the NCG...Dut too. Thanks.

--Drew

Brady said...

I think I have to root for Notre Dame. As much as I hate ND come-out-of-the-woodwork fan, there is no way I want to see Saban and Co. win another title. The SEC needs to take one on the chin.

On the other hand, if ND loses, the Buckeyes are the only undefeated team out there. Absent of a bowl game, that's not a bad consolation prize.

Final verdict: yes, I want ND to win. I feel weird and dirty for writing that but it's the lesser of two evils.

Mr. Ace said...

Brady is the worst; A Fuckeye who trolls Wisconsin boards, roots for M and ND.

Anonymous said...

Brady is the worst. Just an awful fan who roots for shit tier reasons. I knew you'd be rooting for ND.

--Drew

GMoney said...

He seems to get worse by the day. He is probably very happy that LeBron James was SI Sportsman of the Year, too.

Tonya did the Lord's work and posted the Lachey/Chargers fan brawl on The Money Shot's FB page so check it out if you have the time.

Brady said...

So you would rather have Alabama win another title, Ace? I've had enough of the SEC. Really I just want an entertaining game.

Grumpy said...

Drew, I know what a fucking pelican is.

Where did LOLZ come from? WTF is the Z for?

Mr. Ace said...

Bama can win the next 5 if it means that ND won't win one.

Anonymous said...

The Z is for extra sassiness, Grump.

I'm not rooting for any team, I aint care. I am actually praying that Nicolas Brody bombs the fuck out of the stadium. But, I will be happier with a Bama victory. ND fans are just the worst. If they were any good the past 15 years, they may be worse than Steeler fans.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Brady you dope. Bama fans are still gonna be smug as fuck and deservedly so if they lose this national championship game. If ND wins then their last 20 years of shit tier football basically goes poof and their terrible fans will act like it never happened. Not to mention ND recruits Ohio wayyyyyyyy more than Alabama does. Get your shit together.

Grumpy...the gays say LOL. Cool people say LOLZ.

--Drew

Brady said...

I'm not the worst! I would prefer that the SEC not pound their chest for the next nine months but it's not like I'm going out to buy a touchdown jesus shirt for the game. I want a competitive game and if toothless fans from the South are crying their way out of the stadium at the end, that's cool with me. Buckeyes, Browns and Tribe are the only teams I truly give a shit about. When they aren't involved, I try and find something to care about.

Ice Man said...

Brady couldn't wait to spin this Wisconsin story in a fashion that benefits the buckeyes somehow. It's how he treats every sports story. Take anything that has happened in the sports spectrum and in his eyes Ohio is a better team because of it. Oh...and a general guideline to follow, Brady, is fuck Notre Dame. Always and in every circumstance.

Anonymous said...

Brady....let me break this down for you in very simple terms...

SEC pounding chest is more desirable than ND faggot fanbase pounding chest. It's not close. Nothing will change with the SEC people if they win again. EVERYTHING will change for ND people. Plus, Brian Killy murders students.

The only team that I would root for ND to beat in the national championship is Michigan. Only team.

--Drew

Brady said...

All good points Drew and I see where you are coming from. The recruiting angle doesn't bother me though because Urbz is going to get anybody he wants. I'm not worried about Brian Killy (best name EVER) stealing anybody from Ohio. Meyer is just going to flash those two rings and a 12-0 season. The brotha's will come running.

Maybe it's because I don't know that many ND fans (which is odd in this part of the state). They have been such a joke that it's basically wiped out a generation of fans.

Whatever. I just want a good national title game because outside of a couple others, the slate is fucking awful this year. I didn't see that many intriguing matchups.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ UM in the championship game. Jokes are funny.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide, gets it for once. He understands that you don't HAVE to root for ANYBODY. I'm not going to be pulling either way in that game. The only thing that I am rooting for is that Brian Kelly gets battery acid dumped on his stupid face.

Anonymous said...

If Notre Dame wins you know that camera boy was sacrificed by Brian Kelly to the Devil.

Prime99 said...

"The recruiting angle doesn't bother me though because Urbz is going to get anybody he wants. I'm not worried about Brian Killy (best name EVER) stealing anybody from Ohio. Meyer is just going to flash those two rings and a 12-0 season. The brotha's will come running."

Hold up. Yesterday you said OSU gets the shaft way too often. Today, you're saying HeartAttack Kid will out recruit Brian Kelly if he's fresh off a non-sanctioned, better scheduled, undefeated season at historic ND where Killy would now also flash a ring from last year?! Poor unfortunate OSU always getting the shaft. Be consistent, BRAH!

Prime99 said...

I didn't even mention Kelly's love of killing nerdy white video kids. Black dudes love that- recruiting bonus!

Anonymous said...

Good call Prime.

Michigan still/does/will steal from OHIO (top 5 football state in the country)....a title toutin ND will do more damage than ever before (at least last 20 years).

I hope you don't truthfully believe players will only go elsewhere after URBZ has crossed them off his coveted list? Although I do believe he will recruit very well, I think your perception of the SITCHuation is a little skewed...

As Mike Irvin would say 'c'mooooonnnn maaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

- J Saul

GMoney said...

How did we get on Ohio State today? This comment section goes off the rails rather quickly.

JSaul, as I was sitting through the insufferable Monday Night Countdown this week, I was really hoping that one of those idiots would give Jovan Belcher a COME ON, MAN. That would have been ELITE.

Brady said...

OSU gets the shaft from the NCAA. Urbz can recruit. That's all I'm saying. I really don't think all of this back and forth about who to root for is important anyway. Alabama is going to roll the Irish in my opinion.

A Belcher COME ON, MAN would've broken the internet had it really happened.

Anonymous said...

Looks like Purdue got in on the MACtion and took Hazell from KSU. Welcome back to anonymity, MAC.

Ide

GMoney said...

Earlier, Ape called Ashlee the ugly sister. While she clearly had a worse "prime" than Jessica, she has been more consistent over the years. Plus, her lip synching on SNL will always be funny and she married that tool from Fallout Boy and they BLOW.

Ashlee = bangable

According to Ide, Darrell Hazell made the MAC relevant. Nothing about that thought is true or accurate.

Nate B. said...

"I was really hoping that one of those idiots would give Jovan Belcher a COME ON, MAN. That would have been ELITE."


Yep, definitely made me LOL loud enough that a coworker came in and asked why this was so funny.

Needless to say, I did not tell him the truth.

Anonymous said...

KSU was one of the teams you could have looked forward to boosting your conferences reputation going forward. OU got by on Groce's recruiting, and fell off under the current coaching regime after that one marquee win against the Nittany Pedos.

NIU did/does have an impressive run going, and I really hope they beat FSU, because, well fuck them, but that's all you seem to have left. UT accepted a vegan to study there which is TOTES LOLZ, and they couldn't beat Fickell, MU makes their mark by consistently having rapists and assholes (G$ being the real cream of the crop) go there, which leaves BGSlol I can't even type about their 'athletic' program without bursting with laughter. Oh, and Dut went there.

You guys did have some great wins this season as a conference, but as more and more coaches leave, it is whittling down your chance at continued (relative) okayness. Unless, of course, your goal is to be as good as the Big East, then you are on the right track.

JJ Watts is a beast though.

Ide

GMoney said...

Good God, I know that you don't care about the conference but if you're going to try, try not to be full tard.

KSU boosting our reputation...this is their first bowl since Nick Saban PLAYED THERE.

Groce's recruiting? We're on hoops now? You probably mean Solich but you're dumb so probably not. They "fell off" because they weren't that good to begin with and Peter King is a homo.

NIU and Toledo are both very good programs that continue to put players in the NFL and coaches to larger programs.

More and more coaches leave every year. That's what happens when you do good things. If a coach in the MAC stays longer than 4 years, they should be fired. It's a stepping stone conference. It always has been. It carries no bearing on the future or product on the field.

JJ Watt spent five minutes at CMU before going to Wisconsin where he became a star. I don't claim him as ours.

DUMB.

GMoney said...

My point: Darrell Hazell moving west has absolutely zero impact on the conference outside of Kent, OH. MACtion will be just fine without him.

Anonymous said...

Whoops, I did mean Solich. I will own up to that one. That was pretty retarded.

Still, KSU going to their first bowl since Saban after having a great season (Tressel tree!) helped put you guys in the spotlight. This is the first season in history where there were four MAC teams ranked. KSU will not be ranked next season, BOOK IT!

The MAC achieved a lot of firsts this season as far as rankings and accomplishments. I never said it wasn't a stepping stone conference, as it surely is. Hazell went from 300,000 to 2 million overnight, who wouldn't make that jump? However, I am allowed to point out that you are losing another great coach, and that a team that helped you to greater attention is now going back to the basement of the conference, therefor, by using ELITE inference and trolling methods, your conference will dwindle from the national spotlight.

In conclusion, eat dicks.

Ide

GMoney said...

SMDH...

It's been a good year for the league. That is for sure. And the BCS dollars the Northern (not Kent) got us should help everyone get better.

I would probably say that 2003 had better teams than 2012. The Miami team that year is probably one of the five best non-AQ teams of the BCA era. But I get your point.

Hopefully, we can keep up some of this momentum next year.

Prime99 said...

2003 Miami (OH) led the nation in rapes attempted and rape completion percentage. Great squad!