|I want to believe that he fought this stupid kid.|
Actually, Nick and his BRAHs had a bit of an issue this past Sunday. They all put on their finest empty seat suits and headed to San Diego to take in a game between Norv Turner’s face craters and Nick’s beloved Bingles. It did not go according to plan. After some sort of minor altercation, Nick and his friends were asked to leave the stadium before the game ended. I need to get to the bottom of this so I sexted my girl Tonya for a hook-up and she hooked it up indeed.
G$: SUP BROOOOOOOOOO!!! I live in Ohio!
Nick: Hi. That isn’t a question though. My…uh, relation, said that you wanted to talk to me. As you know, I’ll do anything for attention.
G$: Whoa whoa whoa…well get to the smell of your wife’s lady region later.
G$: Sounds like you ran into a little trouble on Sunday? Did one of the 12 Chargers fans not know who you were?
Nick: You know me; I’m all about having a blast with my bros. Sometimes, you just run into some buzzkills though and they ruin it for everyone. I mean, we were just minding our own business and cheering on Pacman Jones when one of our seat neighbors called that asshole hotline and we were asked to leave. It happens.
G$: I would have told the rent-a-cop to get fucked. Those asshole hotlines are for PUSSIES. Not pussy slayers like you and I.
Nick: I don’t disagree with that.
G$: They were probably pissed because their team sucks and the scorching heat that day.
Nick: Maybe, but the weather was beautiful like always in San Diego.
G$: Really? I read that it was…98 DEGREES! COUNT IT! In your face! IN YOUR FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!
Nick: How clever. I’ve never heard that before.
G$: Suck my left nut, Lachey! I burned you good, you scrote! Just wait until I shove an O-Town reference up your box.
Nick: I wasn’t in O-Town.
G$: You’re goddamn right you weren’t because O-Town was comprised entirely of legit musicians that knew how to croon.
(G$ spends the next 4 minutes expertly singing “All or Nothing” a capella)
G$: So are your Bengals going to make it to the playoffs or what?
Nick: We’ve got a pretty good shot. The Steelers are still rock solid and the Colts have that Chuckstrong karma, but I believe that we are MARVINTOUGH. Have you seen Bruce Gradkowski recently? He looks like a homeless terrorist.
G$: As a follow-up, how awesome was it to see your ex-wife naked ten years ago? It’s not very appetizing anymore, mind you—HIGH FIVE!—but that was some excellent ass you were pulling in the late 90’s/early 2000’s.
Nick: Eh, I’ve had better. Her dad could do things with his tongue that you couldn’t even begin to imagine. No homo, of course, on my end. Yes homo on Joe’s end.
(Nick mimes a sex act that not even I can describe…it looks uncomfortable though)
G$: Terrific. You appear to be a huge UC Bearcat fan. First of all, FUCK UC. Second, do you think that Butch Jones is as terrible of a coach as I do? I mean, his entire career was built off of Brian Kelly’s players at multiple stops.
Nick: Butch Jones is shit. I can’t wait for him to take another job so we can get a coach that doesn’t have a weird wart on his ear. He should take Uncle Buck’s advice and have a rat gnaw that thing off his face.
G$: An Uncle Buck reference? My goodness is it getting hot in here or is it just my burning loins?
G$: My wife is the only person in America that watches The Sing Off. You owe me money.
Nick: I agreed to talk to you. We’re even. Queer.
G$: Fair enough. I withdraw my objection…only if I can ice you, BRAH!
(G$ ices Nick…he pounds it in one gulp)
G$: Last question; I’m pretty sure that your broseph, Drew Lachey, is also our Commenter Drew. Can you confirm or deny?
Nick: Probably not the same person but they’re both fags that know nothing about sports. If you need a ballroom dancing expert, they are probably your guy.
G$: Thanks for clearing that up and for spending a little time with The Money Shot.
Nick: Not a problem; just never forget that I’m more awesome than Mario Lopez.
Nick Lachey, everybody!!! He may give off a douchey bro vibe, but the guy was born or lived in Harlan, KY so you know that he is at least somewhat awesome. He might even know Dickie Bennett! Thanks again, Tonya, for “setting this up”.