Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Nick Saban Might Be Dawg Pound Bound

If the boogeyman were real, it would look exactly like this guy smiling.
One of the worst (and sometimes best) things about sports talk radio is when the hosts open up the phone lines for all of the locals to rant and rave. Apparently, Jimmy from Parma has all the answers because why wouldn’t he? But this sort of thing is highly entertaining after the home team lost and the dumbest of the dumb mash their phone keypad and get put on the air to vent. On Sunday’s drive home, it seemed like every Browns genius fan was done with Pat Shurmur and that the previous three game win streak was a complete fraud. Every caller got more and more pissed off and I loved every second of it. It was a damn shame that I lost the signal around Akron.

Anyway, now that the Browns have their new hillbilly owner in the fold who loves him some Stillers footbawwww, change is afoot. Shurmur is as good as gone. Brad Childress can go back to fucking kids. Dick Jauron was born to be fired. Now what? Jimmy Haslam doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would pick the Pats Shurmur or Erics Mangini of the world to be his first coach as owner. He seems like the kind of guy that will swing for not just the fence, but the double fence behind Glenwood Park (ELITE REFERENCE ALERT). He wants a real dinger. Anyone can hit a cheap home run like Sandy Alomar in game 5 of the 1997 ALDS, it takes a real man to go for the NLCS Pujols off of Lidge bomb that effectively turned the closer into a pile of shit for the rest of his career.

This is an important hire. The fans seem to like Haslam and what he has been selling so far but they will turn on him quickly if he ends up replacing Shurmur with a Scott Linehan or some other worthless retread asshole. The hot rumor at the moment is that Haslam wants Nick Saban (or our very own CHIPFORD KELLY!). At first, I found this to be 100% fucktarded but it makes more and more sense the longer that I thought about it. Here is why:

*It is being said that Haslam is willing to offer the coach a 10 year/100 million dollar contract. HOLY SHIT. If this is even remotely true, congratulations on your new coach, Browns fans. NO ONE turns that down. Hell, Phil Jackson learns the game of football for that kind of money.
*What more is there to accomplish at Alabama? He’s probably going to win his third title in four years a couple of weeks from now and they built him a statue already. What else is there left?
*He can coach Trent Richardson again.
*He is from the area. I think that this reasoning is OVERRATED but it would allow his career to come full circle.
*I can’t say this about many places but Ohio is better than Alabama.
*If you want a new challenge (and probably a final challenge before retiring), there is no greater challenge than making the Browns a winner.
*If he does that, he could seriously be in the conversation for best football coach of all time.
*I like to think that his ego is so big that he knows that he has unfinished business left in the pros.
*100 million dollars.

It probably won’t happen because Cleveland never gets what it wants, but I don’t think it’s THAT cray cray. I could definitely see it happening and would not be shocked if it does. You know what, I’m sorry for getting your hopes up. You know better than I do that you’re going to end up with Dave Wannstedt.

OK, so the rest of the year is going to play out like this:
Tomorrow – Latest round of bowl picks
Friday – Iceman is coming back this week to deliver gifts to all the commenters. He is playing the role of Santa Blogs this year.
Monday – Worst Of
Wednesday – Whatever I skeet on your screen
Thursday – More bowl picks
Friday – Money Shot Man of the Year

Please adjust your calendars. Just know that after Friday, you get to enjoy two straight Iceman-free weeks. Merry fucking Christmas.


Anonymous said...

Saban would definitely be a fine hire. Plus, after Harbrah and Petey....the whole you can't go from college to the NFL argument is done.

Supposedly, this new prez that the Browns hired yesterday from Dallas is EXTREMELY well thought of. A legit really, really good hire.


Grumpy said...

Drew, you got up early for that? LOLZ.

Nate said...

Is Haslam also willing to shell out actual money on talent? $10m on a coach in the NFL seems like a massive waste if you're not willing to shore up the talent around him.

Anonymous said...

No Nate, he has publicly said that he only wants to spend big money on coaches and will not pay for top talent....



GMoney said...

According to Dut, the talent is already there and ELITE.

How great would it be if he spurned Roll Damn Tide to go to the fucking Browns? All of those SEC message boards that Brady goes to for whatever reason would explode. There is nothing funnier than a pissed off illiterate Southern football fan.

Nate said...


There is no such thing as a stupid question when it comes to Browns ownership / management.

If there's any organization in professional sports that would drop $10 million per year on a coach to manage cost-cut talent, it's the Browns.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GMoney said...

Anonymous makes an interesting point. "rbsjk" is intriguing.

Although the A&F stuff makes me think that -Rex's boss wants us all to play a game of naked tackle football with him.

Mr. Ace said...

Andy Reid to the Browns. It makes too much sense. And then Gruden to Philly. And then Norv Turner to Detroit.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Brady said...

I keep hearing there is NO way that Saban would come to Cleveland. Apparently he does not want to work with Lombardi (widely thought of to be the next "puppet GM" under Banner). Saban would almost certainly demand full control of football operations and that just isn't going to happen the way the Haslam and Banner have set things up. That kind of money can always change minds pretty quickly but I'm not holding my breath. Not even sure if I would want Saban anyway. He was a disaster in Miami. We'll see.

I do agree that Haslam isn't going to hire some retread with his first big move in the league. I'm sure Cowher and Gruden's names will pop up alot but I really have no idea what's going to happen.

I only troll Wisky boards because they are awful fans that deserve to be fucked with.

GMoney said...

I just don't see Cowher ever coming back. He's been out of the game for too long.

Mike Lombardi would be a huge mistake.

Brady said...

I agree that Lombardi would be a HUGE mistake. He seems to be the only one that would come in with the type of job description that is being offered though. Banner is going to be in charge of player personel no matter who fills the "GM" roll.

I'm not sure why they are setting up the orginzation like this but what the fuck do I know? Shit hasn't been working for so long that I'll basically get behind anything at this point.

Jeff said...

Its going to be Josh McDaniels and he is going to bring in Tim Tenor with him.

Jeff said...

Or Todd Haley. He will be on the market after he is canned this off season.

GMoney said...

OMG...McDaniels and Tenor in the 216 would be the best thing ever.

Todd Haley was a fucking awful hire from the start. The Steelers front office isn't nearly as great as they think they are. Everyone hated him in Arizona and KC; why would they stop now?

GMoney said...

Hello? Prime sucks.

Anonymous said...

I dont like black people either.


Prime99 said...

Sorry I'm late to this awful party talking about the worst job in pro sports. I had to ask Chip about some of these topics:

Saban - Little Nickey is gay as fuck. The only thing more faggoty than Saban is nothing. He follows the Chippendales on tour like dirty hippies follow Phish. I hope he goes to Cleveland so I can murder him as the leader of the Chiefs.

Browns - I'd rather cut off my 11" shlong than coach in Cleveland. I'd rather cover Roseanne Barr in mayo and go to town on her anus than coach in Cleveland. I'd rather hang out with Iceman and Dut simultaneously than coach in Cleveland.

Eagles - Everything I said about Cleveland goes double for Philly. I won't coach any team that Mr. Ace is a fan of. I'm too great for that.

Anonymous said...

They do smell terrible

GMoney said...

The only thing more faggoty than Saban is nothing. Great work by the Chipper today!

Ice Man said...

Saban would be a dumb hire. That is all.

GMoney said...

That is not a convincing argument. At all.