Friday, December 21, 2012

Jolly Old St. Prick Returns!

                      This was the last year anyone asked Ide to be Santa.




Merry Christmas and fuck you!  If you're reading this it means that the Mayans are terrible at predictions, full of donkey shit and we all have to go on living our shitty lives.  Unless you belong to a cult...because you have probably already killed yourself in order to dodge public shame of being wrong AGAIN.  Way to take the pussy way out.  But there is reason to celebrate nonetheless!  Jolly Old St. Prick has become quite the MoneyShot tradition over the years and it's my pleasure to hand out gifts to all of you deserving assholes for the very first time this year.  It's like I've been chosen to read the perverted, twisted as fuck version of "The Night Before Christmas" while all of you stare at me and drool all over yourselves.  May each terrible gift match just how awful of human beings every last one of you skid marks really are.  Not gonna lie...this is looooooong.

For Damman - A life size replica of Jordan Kovacs' veiny beef rocket.  The opposite of a flesh light, if you will.  Now when you feel the need to post about Kovacs on Facebook, you can instead fuck yourself in the ass with your shiny new #32 dream stick.  We can even customize it for you with a blue shaft, maize helmet and a bedazzled #32 on the tip.  We can also get you an interchangeable #11 for the days you're feeling like a little vintage butt play.

For Ide - A sweater vest knitted from Patrick Monahan's (lead singer of Train) pubic hair.  I had to do a Google search to find out what this midget ape's name was.  He looks like he's no taller than 3'8".  Perfect for giving you stand up blowies.  I guess I just as easily could have went to your Facebook page to find Patrick's name since I'm sure this twat shows up somewhere within your last 3 status updates.  Or I could have texted you and asked.  But I don't have your number and Lord do I plan on keeping it that way.

For Prime - A private one on one tour of Jay Catler's used tampon collection.  Little known fact about Catler...he hoards used tampons.  It's true.  No need to look it up, just know that it's completely factual.  In this tour, Jay will showcase the bitch napkin that started his obsession, let you sniff his favorite piece and even give you a souvenir at the end of the tour so you can start your own collection at home.  Happy hoarding!

For Nate B. - Hell, I don't know.  I'll just super glue your flaccid cock to your belly, force feed you Viagra and we'll call it even.  I'm pretty sure you're an Ohio fan and by pretty sure I mean not sure at all since I try to pay as little attention to people as possible.  So if you ARE an Ohio fan I guess I can throw in one of Urban's failing ventricles as a stocking stuffer.

For Lil Strut - THE DARK SCORPION!!  After thumbing through last year's pathetic mail in post by G$, I noticed we had a one time cameo by a lovely gent named Dark Scorpion.  Your gift is a night alone with this guy.  Sounds harmless, I know.  But after further review it appears Dark Scorpion enjoys hardcore dude sex, shoving straws up dick holes and Rape Games.  Kinda like the Hunger Games but at the end you wish you had died.

For Drew - A vacation under Matt Stafford's belly fat.  Perfect for the cold chill of December.  Enjoy your 3 day/night weekend stay underneath Tubby's lard slab.  Just avoid the half eaten burrito and large pizza stashed under there.  First, they're most likely sour and moldy.  Second, Stafford the Hut doesn't like you snatching up his late night yummies.  For a second I thought about gifting a Mountain Dew bottle full of Verlander's Skoal spit but I knew you would put it on Ebay.  I didn't want a civil war erupting in West Virginia over who gets to claim ownership to that fucking gold mine.

For Ace - A life size replica of Garret Reid's drug overdosed body.  And since Jolly Old St. Prick is in such the giving mood, he's decided to throw in a package of used heroin needles that were lifted from a AIDS infested Columbus gutter whore.  Do NOT handle with care and please impale yourself quickly before the AIDS becomes non transferable.

For Seal - A jar of Snooki's afterbirth.  This seems like something you could use since you cheer for a team who's head coach resembles Snooki's womb grease.  Brush your teeth with it, use if for deodorant, even slick your hair back with it and be a Dapper Dan man.  This multipurpose gift will have you repulsing more than just the people on this blog in no time!

For MuDawg - A night out with the HarBRAHs.  HA!  You probably think this is a sweet gift, don't you?  Yeah...until they make you bob for turds in a construction site port-a-john.  Or puke in your mouth during power hour after you pass out like Ide.  The HarBRAH's haze like true BRAH's do and they will violate your dignity at every turn.  Happy Holidays, fuck face!

For Dut - Does he even show his face around here when he's not impersonating Mike Crabtree?  What do you give a guy who deserves nothing?  I don't know...we all take turns smacking his bagged skin berries with a wooden spoon?  Sounds right.  That's your gift since you never went back in time to give yourself SIDS.

For Brady - A bag of Peter King's diarrhea.  What could be better than a concoction of every nugget of substance that Peter King enjoys?  I bet that bag smells like doughnut glaze, spoiled buttermilk, morning breath, a boiled fart, a skunked IPA and camel dick.

For Tonya - Sex with Drew.  These gift are meant to be terrible and I can't think of anything worse for a women than having their bare skin pressing against Drew's while he penetrates you for 18 whole seconds.  I'm including a fifth of 151 since you'll need to be pretty fucking sauced in order to mentally survive the most traumatic thing you've ever been through.

For Jeff - Watching Drew have sex with Tonya.  The only thing worse than being Tonya in that mess is being forced to watch it.  But if you feel the desire to shine your own pole while Drew tries to makes gross sex then by all means crank away.  Just imagine Drew is Roethlisberger forcing himself onto another victim to get yourself going.  Tonya can even scream for help and you can ignore it like a true Roethlisberger security guard would who simply chalks it up to her having an orgasm we all know would never happen.  I know how that stuff gets you sexually charged.

For Grumpy - A trip to my house for a week.  At first glance this seems harmless but I assure you it will be hell.  I plan on using you as my 7 day bitch and making you do all the shit Wheels is constantly fucking nagging me about.  First, you'll pick up dog stool out of the back yard.  Every nugget.  Then you'll clean whatever filthy imprint the abortion I left in the toilet the night before created.  It looks like a God damn war zone in there.  My turds have hair, teeth, blood and fingernails.  Finally, you'll ORGANIZE THE FUCKING ATTIC FOR ME!

For G$ - Anne Hathaway.  JUST KIDDING!!  Your real gift is actually being told the truth about Anne Hathaway being a man. Enjoy living with the shame of having cranked your shaft or penetrated your flesh light to the thought of ANDREW Hathaway's freshly shaved/secret hidden balls.  You actually get two gifts this year because you've been extra douchey.  The second gift is your in-laws staying with you forever and sharing a bedroom with you and She$.  Expect G$ to Seau himself by March.

Finally for me.  Iceman - All of you.  You guys are my gift this year.  And no...it's not a compliment to any of you.  On those days where I'm feeling a little off, I can always come on this site and get my confidence back by confirming I will always be better than at least fifteen-ish people no matter what.  Behold my confirmation:  Northern IlliNOISE 44-37, NEVER FORGET.




If I left anyone out, well, it's because I probably hate you more than anyone who received gifts.  Because in the end, the gift of not being included is truly the worst gift of all to give to someone who completely sucks.  But if it really means that much to you that you get a gift then I'll make you a deal.  Go give yourself a swirlie in a mall toilet after a huge fat guy uses it and say it's from me.  It's probably better than what you would have got anyway.  I hope you all love St. Prick's gift choices this year because it is from the bottom of my evil, black heart.  That's all I've got.  Merry Christmas, dick lickers and enjoy your two weeks off from my award winning posts.

37 comments:

Grumpy said...

I'll actually do the attic for you. Your beautiful fiancé will finally realize what a dick head you are and run off with me.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Iceman...pretty sure I'm the big winner.

*Vacation with Stafford means that I basically get to experience what sex is like with his perfect ten girlfriend.

*Sex with Tonya has to be better than just about any other gift given..I think.

*I'll always be able to hang it over Jeff's head that he got off to me having sex.

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER MOTHERFUCKERS.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Iceman - you are too generous. Thanks buddy, I will share Snooki's afterbirth with my family and friends this week.

Grumpy are you trying to be funny with that comment - becuase im pretty sure Icemans fiance isnt going to "run" off with anyone.

Seal

Grumpy said...

That wasn't intended to be funny. I think Iceman knows that.

Can we trade gist with other people? I'd really like Jeff's gift.

Grumpy said...

Gifts.

The Iceman said...

Run. Wheel. Same thing. Be careful what you wish for, Grumpy. She's fucking relentless when it comes to chores. And her family is a thousand times worse than G$'s in-laws. Two years ago a fist fight broke out between two grown men at the family Christmas party. And by two grown men I mean two men in their 50's.

You're welcome, Drew! Just be careful you don't become Stafford the Hut's next meal.

GMoney said...

What a generous day although I was a tad upset that LS was not given the whiskiest whiskey to ever whisk. He is an expert, you know.

I already got my gifts:
*Took an hour and 45 minutes to drive the 12 miles to work this morning because everyone here drives like Zamarripa.
*I finally got to delete the AWFUL Jersey Shore off of the season pass on my DVR.
*Always Sunny and The League were Nene Hilario last night.

That in-laws gift was cold though, brah. You want me to live like that broke ass Bucket family from the original Gene Wilder Wonka movie, don't you? Where everyone sleeps in the same room? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Prime99 said...

I very much appreciate the opportunity to hang out with the best Bears QB of my lifetime. If G$ got the equivalent gift he'd get to hang with RG3 and sniff dudes' anuses.

Seal's comment had me rolling! LOLZ!

Getting Grumpy to clean the attic is a stroke of genius.

Anonymous said...

Nice pun, Prime!

Ide

Anonymous said...

Seal- I was thinking the same thing when I saw grumpys comment. That guy is an asshole!

Disappointed there are no gifts for shooks son or Jsaul. I guess they can have each other.

Does a wooden spoon on my berries feel good? As long as tonya gets the first swing I'm good.

Woke up at 2 AM last night to hear my hammered roommate and his friend fighting/ screaming in each others faces for 2 hours. I can't wait to hear the details. So far all I know is my roommate said the most offensive thing ever and my roommate got shot in the ass with a gun. CAN'T WAIT!

Vegas has the Fleshlights by 5 over Blair white power in the DFL (dut vs g$). Should be the game of the century of the year. I'm thinking about changing my team name to the crab trees. He is playing last for the 2nd week in a row. I can feel the magic.

G$- Chris carter says "you gotz ta go!" Just remember... If ya ain't first you're last! Enjoy an offseason knowing you were defeated by dut.

DUT

GMoney said...

Quoting Cris Carter is a recipe for disaster. You will lose badly and wish that I only shot a gun in your ass instead of unleashing the force of ten Shook's Sons on your anus. I can't believe that I'm a dog. DISRESPECK!

Ide, which pun are you talking about: Wheels rolling or Grumpy and stroke?

Back to FX last night, I can't decide which quote was my favorite:

Pete: I hope that AD doesn't stand for Awesome Dong.

Mac: Rock Flag and Eagle, right, Charlie?
Charlie: Mac makes a good point.

Or Rafi screaming HAPPY NEW YEAR in Kevin's face while he shits his pants and ejaculates simultaneously. Rafi is the BEST.

Howevah, Paula having some dude teabag Sitch's birthday cake might have been the best way for Jersey Shore to end. Those guys deserve to eat ball cake.

The Iceman said...

I think to add to LS's gift, G$...we'll have him dress up like his hero Don Draper. Then we'll all take turns flicking lit cigarettes at him to see if we can get him to drop his whiskey glass. I have found I have way more respect for a man that can take a fiery ember to the face and not drop his whiskey.

Jeff said...

Thanks Ice. As long as it's blurred Japanese porn I'm OK with it. I'll just take a wild guess that Tonya does not look like a Victoria Secret Angel...

GMoney said...

She reads this site and no one that comes here is attractive. FACT.

Jeff said...

No trade Grump, you can have it fo free.

Brady said...

Thank you, Ice. Any gift involving Peter King is truly awful.

Old man fist fight at the Christmas party?! How come I've never heard that story?

The "please prove you're not a robot" feature just threw me for a loop.

Ice Man said...

"The "please prove you're not a robot" feature just threw me for a loop"

Why's that, Brady? Because you ARE A ROBOT?????

GMoney said...

Ide has donkey brains. He does not own a certificate stating otherwise.

Anyone besides Damman and I make it to the end of Jersey Shore last night? Like I said, it was a battle this past season but it ended well.

GMoney said...

And fuck you for speaking ill toward Anne Hathaway! Her short hair may look terrible these days, but she's still down for showing beav to the paparazzi.

Ice Man said...

It's not my fault you love men with breast implants. Anne Hathaway looks like a young Gary Busey with black hair.

Side note...So 2 or 3 days ago there was a documentary on Discovery Channel with scientists confirming that a virus capable of turning people into zombies is 100% plausible and could happen in the next decade. Prepare your souls.

Brady said...

They didn't say it was 100% plausible. They were stating what type of virus it would have to be and what areas of the brain had to be affected for it to happen. Don't turn into one of those nutjobs that starts stocking food and wearing camo every day.

GMoney said...

By the way, Ice, what did you and Wheels win for that contest that you were being so annoying on Facebook about? Just know that I didn't help you win at all.

Ice Man said...

They DID say that, Brady. They said that a zombie virus would be started from a mutated gene of the mad cow virus. They also said since the mad cow virus already exists that it's extremely possible a zombie virus will get created in the next 10 years stemming from the mad cow strand. You probably missed that part when you left the room to go plan your dad's half birthday party.

She did win the competition, G$. Thanks for your undevoted non-support. Being annoying on Facebook was much better than the alternative. She hates losing and getting beat in this contest would mean the next 6 months of my life would be shot.

Ice Man said...

Oh...WHAT did she win? She won a $250 gift card to Atlas Bridal. She's buying her cousin's bridesmaids dress with it because she's a way better person than any of us.

Anonymous said...

Its all made for TV bullshit lol. Its called 'ratings'.

Its the reason TLC (The LEARNING channel) has a show with a character named honey boo boo.

Similar to how Discovery and History channel showed non stop coverage of the mayan apocalypse, because they work on ratings from dolts.

This is my gift to you, a lesson in Reality!

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Why would you buy clothes for your cousin? She should spend that money on her father figure for the big day...Grump.

Anonymous said...

Prime,

A gal from my office just gave me 2 tickets to see the Bears on Sunday!! She assumes I like the Bears because I'm a Cubs fan. She is mistaken.

Are Kristen C and Catler still an item?

Does the Moneyshot reimburse you for flights? I don't really care for any of the Bears fans I know around here. If G$ covers your flight, I will put you up and take you to what could be the most boring game of the year.

I have a title to defend in G$FL, so I probably will only care how the Bears D performs. Title #3 in that league probably puts me in conversation for the fantasy football Hall of Fame. Go Walter White!

What does the commentariat expect from the Buckeyes tomorrow against KU?

If we play anything like Tuesday it could be a rough day at the Schott. I fully expect a good all around performance and a win by 8-10 pts. Go Buckets!
Go Bucks!!

Buke

GMoney said...

Whoa, that post is all over the place but I can assure you that Prime doesn't make blog-related flights (especially when Cal football is involved). With proper paperwork filed, I will reimburse.

I would still go to the game though because NFL football live is great in moderation. Although that might not apply to Ryan Lindley led squadrons.

The Cat and The Cav are still together raising a son (The Kitten?) who will certainly be the biggest douche at every school he attends.

Anonymous said...

If I dont read/post on Monday (due to me not being at work) - all you fuckers have a Merry Christmas.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Since I am better than all of you, I just wanted to let you know that Im eating lunch one table over from Denis fucking Leary.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Shit, Buke! That is one helluva an offer! My brother (Lions fan) lives in AZ and went to the game last week. I would love to make it but G$ is a liar- the proper paper work doesn't exist! That is where all the cash should go (not the bowl contest)- straight to beat write travel reimbursement!!!

Thanks for the offer. And yes, Cutler and Kristen have a baby, The Cutlet.

Ice Man said...

"Since I am better than all of you, I just wanted to let you know that Im eating lunch one table over from Denis fucking Leary."

Ide probably went all fanboy on him and got a picture that's worse than Drew and James Leyland's barely visable shot in an underground Latino teenage boy sex auction.

Prime99 said...

I want Dennis Leary to lean over toward Ide then yell, "HE'S AN ASSHOLE!"

That would be great.

GMoney said...

That is pretty ELITE, Ide. He probably laughed at you when you were passed out on the table as is your nature.

(waiting for some asshole to say that Leary is no Bill Hicks because someone ALWAYS has to say that shit)

Prime, you've never asked for the paperwork. My legal team from the firm of Wig Master, Li'l Strut, and Saul have an EXTENSIVE, uhhh, BINDER OF LAW(?) that you need to fill out. And it is just a bunch of pictures of a shirtless Glenallen Hill.

Anonymous said...

My friend told me to tell him to give Hicks and CK their material back. Hicks wasnt as funny with jokes but was a lot funnier at dying.

Ide

Ice Man said...

Bill Hicks. ELITE reference. Most people just stare at me with glassy eyes when I bust that name out.

Oh...and FUCK THIS PROVE YOU'RE NOT A ROBOT SHIT!!

Tonya said...

Of course the one night I decide not to check out the blog during the day, it's pick on Tonya day. First of all, let me thank you Iceman for absolutely nothing! Secondly Jeff, I'm no ten, but I don't think I'm that awful. Geesh... You might actually enjoy watching it. And lastly, Drew, does January 10th work for you? Fuck all you assholes! Merry Christmas motherfuckers!