Friday, December 21, 2012
Merry Christmas and fuck you! If you're reading this it means that the Mayans are terrible at predictions, full of donkey shit and we all have to go on living our shitty lives. Unless you belong to a cult...because you have probably already killed yourself in order to dodge public shame of being wrong AGAIN. Way to take the pussy way out. But there is reason to celebrate nonetheless! Jolly Old St. Prick has become quite the MoneyShot tradition over the years and it's my pleasure to hand out gifts to all of you deserving assholes for the very first time this year. It's like I've been chosen to read the perverted, twisted as fuck version of "The Night Before Christmas" while all of you stare at me and drool all over yourselves. May each terrible gift match just how awful of human beings every last one of you skid marks really are. Not gonna lie...this is looooooong.
For Damman - A life size replica of Jordan Kovacs' veiny beef rocket. The opposite of a flesh light, if you will. Now when you feel the need to post about Kovacs on Facebook, you can instead fuck yourself in the ass with your shiny new #32 dream stick. We can even customize it for you with a blue shaft, maize helmet and a bedazzled #32 on the tip. We can also get you an interchangeable #11 for the days you're feeling like a little vintage butt play.
For Ide - A sweater vest knitted from Patrick Monahan's (lead singer of Train) pubic hair. I had to do a Google search to find out what this midget ape's name was. He looks like he's no taller than 3'8". Perfect for giving you stand up blowies. I guess I just as easily could have went to your Facebook page to find Patrick's name since I'm sure this twat shows up somewhere within your last 3 status updates. Or I could have texted you and asked. But I don't have your number and Lord do I plan on keeping it that way.
For Prime - A private one on one tour of Jay Catler's used tampon collection. Little known fact about Catler...he hoards used tampons. It's true. No need to look it up, just know that it's completely factual. In this tour, Jay will showcase the bitch napkin that started his obsession, let you sniff his favorite piece and even give you a souvenir at the end of the tour so you can start your own collection at home. Happy hoarding!
For Nate B. - Hell, I don't know. I'll just super glue your flaccid cock to your belly, force feed you Viagra and we'll call it even. I'm pretty sure you're an Ohio fan and by pretty sure I mean not sure at all since I try to pay as little attention to people as possible. So if you ARE an Ohio fan I guess I can throw in one of Urban's failing ventricles as a stocking stuffer.
For Lil Strut - THE DARK SCORPION!! After thumbing through last year's pathetic mail in post by G$, I noticed we had a one time cameo by a lovely gent named Dark Scorpion. Your gift is a night alone with this guy. Sounds harmless, I know. But after further review it appears Dark Scorpion enjoys hardcore dude sex, shoving straws up dick holes and Rape Games. Kinda like the Hunger Games but at the end you wish you had died.
For Drew - A vacation under Matt Stafford's belly fat. Perfect for the cold chill of December. Enjoy your 3 day/night weekend stay underneath Tubby's lard slab. Just avoid the half eaten burrito and large pizza stashed under there. First, they're most likely sour and moldy. Second, Stafford the Hut doesn't like you snatching up his late night yummies. For a second I thought about gifting a Mountain Dew bottle full of Verlander's Skoal spit but I knew you would put it on Ebay. I didn't want a civil war erupting in West Virginia over who gets to claim ownership to that fucking gold mine.
For Ace - A life size replica of Garret Reid's drug overdosed body. And since Jolly Old St. Prick is in such the giving mood, he's decided to throw in a package of used heroin needles that were lifted from a AIDS infested Columbus gutter whore. Do NOT handle with care and please impale yourself quickly before the AIDS becomes non transferable.
For Seal - A jar of Snooki's afterbirth. This seems like something you could use since you cheer for a team who's head coach resembles Snooki's womb grease. Brush your teeth with it, use if for deodorant, even slick your hair back with it and be a Dapper Dan man. This multipurpose gift will have you repulsing more than just the people on this blog in no time!
For MuDawg - A night out with the HarBRAHs. HA! You probably think this is a sweet gift, don't you? Yeah...until they make you bob for turds in a construction site port-a-john. Or puke in your mouth during power hour after you pass out like Ide. The HarBRAH's haze like true BRAH's do and they will violate your dignity at every turn. Happy Holidays, fuck face!
For Dut - Does he even show his face around here when he's not impersonating Mike Crabtree? What do you give a guy who deserves nothing? I don't know...we all take turns smacking his bagged skin berries with a wooden spoon? Sounds right. That's your gift since you never went back in time to give yourself SIDS.
For Brady - A bag of Peter King's diarrhea. What could be better than a concoction of every nugget of substance that Peter King enjoys? I bet that bag smells like doughnut glaze, spoiled buttermilk, morning breath, a boiled fart, a skunked IPA and camel dick.
For Tonya - Sex with Drew. These gift are meant to be terrible and I can't think of anything worse for a women than having their bare skin pressing against Drew's while he penetrates you for 18 whole seconds. I'm including a fifth of 151 since you'll need to be pretty fucking sauced in order to mentally survive the most traumatic thing you've ever been through.
For Jeff - Watching Drew have sex with Tonya. The only thing worse than being Tonya in that mess is being forced to watch it. But if you feel the desire to shine your own pole while Drew tries to makes gross sex then by all means crank away. Just imagine Drew is Roethlisberger forcing himself onto another victim to get yourself going. Tonya can even scream for help and you can ignore it like a true Roethlisberger security guard would who simply chalks it up to her having an orgasm we all know would never happen. I know how that stuff gets you sexually charged.
For Grumpy - A trip to my house for a week. At first glance this seems harmless but I assure you it will be hell. I plan on using you as my 7 day bitch and making you do all the shit Wheels is constantly fucking nagging me about. First, you'll pick up dog stool out of the back yard. Every nugget. Then you'll clean whatever filthy imprint the abortion I left in the toilet the night before created. It looks like a God damn war zone in there. My turds have hair, teeth, blood and fingernails. Finally, you'll ORGANIZE THE FUCKING ATTIC FOR ME!
For G$ - Anne Hathaway. JUST KIDDING!! Your real gift is actually being told the truth about Anne Hathaway being a man. Enjoy living with the shame of having cranked your shaft or penetrated your flesh light to the thought of ANDREW Hathaway's freshly shaved/secret hidden balls. You actually get two gifts this year because you've been extra douchey. The second gift is your in-laws staying with you forever and sharing a bedroom with you and She$. Expect G$ to Seau himself by March.
Finally for me. Iceman - All of you. You guys are my gift this year. And no...it's not a compliment to any of you. On those days where I'm feeling a little off, I can always come on this site and get my confidence back by confirming I will always be better than at least fifteen-ish people no matter what. Behold my confirmation: Northern IlliNOISE 44-37, NEVER FORGET.
If I left anyone out, well, it's because I probably hate you more than anyone who received gifts. Because in the end, the gift of not being included is truly the worst gift of all to give to someone who completely sucks. But if it really means that much to you that you get a gift then I'll make you a deal. Go give yourself a swirlie in a mall toilet after a huge fat guy uses it and say it's from me. It's probably better than what you would have got anyway. I hope you all love St. Prick's gift choices this year because it is from the bottom of my evil, black heart. That's all I've got. Merry Christmas, dick lickers and enjoy your two weeks off from my award winning posts.