Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Feliz Navidad From the BRAHs

                          It was all downhill after this picture was taken...

Now that the regular season for college football has officially come to a close, I was planning on starting a breakdown of the 50 million bowl games that will be pelvic thrusted at us this year.  But the strangest thing happened on Saturday while I was out to eat at El Camino in Toledo so I figured I would share with the group.  Just as I had finished watching #8 from Army publicly humiliate himself by weeping more than a black woman during a Baptist sermon, I assumed the rest of the night would be status quo and business as usual.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  The following is what I witnessed:

/Two men dressed in ridiculously offensive Mexican outfits with fake mustaches come crashing through the door yelling obnoxiously while blasting finger guns in the air.


Man 2:  LEELEELEELEELEELEELEELEELEELEE!!!!  /continues to finger guns

Hispanic Waiter Carlos:  Excuse me, sirs.  Is there something I can help you with?  And please stop yelling like that.  It's terribly offensive.

Man 1:  First order of business.  Drink my sperm for being such a rude twat.  Second order of business.  My name is El Spicko and this is my brother Los Wetback.  We hail from Albuquerque and would like a table that overlooks your best Mexican snatch platter.  The dirtier the pussy the better.  We're also meeting family here so make sure the table is as wide as your mother's asshole.

Carlos:  Please.  Sir.  This is a place of business and I will not be spoken to that way.  Now I'll be happy to serve you and your party but you must remove the t shirts that say "Mexican Greasers Do It With Their Horses."

Los Wetback:  HA!  As long as you admit that they do.  No?  Fair enough.  But the sombreros and these queer shawl things made out of rat pubes you fuckin homos wear stay.

Carlos: /sighs loudly  Follow me...

/Carlos seats the two men at the largest table located in the most desolate corner of the restaurant.

El Spicko:  I'm fuckin bored already.  Did mom or dad text you yet?

Los Wetback:  As a matter of fact they did because you're an irresponsible fart cloud.  They said they would be a few minutes late because they have to go pick up Crean Pie from the dildo factory.  Sounds like he was picking out his Christmas present!

El Spicko:  Shit on a fuckin tit!  Fuckin Crean Pie is coming?  Isn't he too busy perming his pussy hair at a salon for faggots?  He's such a beav, man.  I'm going to force feed him dog shit when he gets here.  And yes...I have dog shit with me because of moments exactly like these.


 /turns to El Spicko

Now, let's get plowed on margs, stare into each other's eyes and see who loses their hard-on first.  Loser gets punched in the butthole.

El Spicko:  You're fuckin on!

/30 minutes later

Jack Harbaugh:  Excuse me, sir.  We're supposed to be meeting our boys here.  Could you point us in the right direction?

Carlos:  I'm assuming your boys would be the loud mouth jerks dressed as offensively as you could possibly get.  We stuck them in the corner but that hasn't prevented them from driving away 80% of our business this evening.

Jack:  Christ...not again.  This way, everyone.

/Jack, Tom and Joani head towards the table.

Jack:  Really, boys?!  Really???  Now I see why your mother refused to show her face in public knowing you two degenerates would be acting like complete imbeciles.  And take off those ridiculous mustaches!!

Jim and John together:  Sorry, daddy.

Jim:  Well loookie what we have here.  Good ol' Crean Pie.  Shouldn't you be somewhere doing gay shit with gay men you fuckin gaybate?  I have a Christmas present for you, Captain Shit Fingers.

Tom Crean:  No thanks...especially if it's a balloon full of your own piss like last year.

Jim:  That was a bum's piss, actually.  Fresh from an Oakland barrio.  Just for you.

Tom:  Regardless...I'll pass on the gift.

/Jim slowly and discreetly places the bag of dog shit back into his coat pocket.

Jim:  Fine.  Your loss, Shit Fingers.  It was actually something good this year...

John:  You know why we call him shit fingers, don't you Joani?

Joani:  Not interested.

John:  It's because we caught him finger slamming his own shit maker to a Brad Pitt love scene in Legends of the Fall.  Sick bastard.  Probably would've tore something if I hadn't showed up when I did.


John:  Suuuuuuuuuuure, Crean Pie.  And I didn't catch Jim rubbing mom's period underwear all over his scarlet peaches last week.

Jack:  What did you just say??


/A fight erupts at the table between Jim and John.  Eventually it's broken up by the wait staff and the Harbaugh family is asked to leave.

Carlos:  Obviously none of you are welcome back at this establishment in the future and you have roughly 10 seconds to vacate the premises before I call the police.

John:  I call your bluff, Brown Town.  All the workers here are illegal immigrants anyway.   You'd be fucking yourself over by calling the cops.  The only legal Mexicans in America are Johnny Depp and Lou Diamond Phillips.  Everyone knows that.

Jim:  Fuckin A right, Mexifaggot.  Fine.  We were leaving anyway.  It's way too Mexicanny in here for our taste.  We'll just start going to the China Dragon where they don't even know we're making fun of them.  By the way...I farted in all the taco meat while you guys weren't looking.  PEACE OUT, FUCKERS!!

Jack:  I'm really sorry.  Here's $300.  I hope that covers some of what happened here tonight.

Carlos:  Not even close.  Now get the fuck out of here.

At that point the entire family left but not before John puked in the plants on his way out.  Just when I never thought I would see the HarBRAHs ever again, they pop up for a memorable Christmas dinner at El Camino.  Good thing there's three of these places in Toledo because I'm pretty sure they'll never be allowed back at the one on Dussell Drive.  But in the meantime, keep your eyes open...you never know where these fuckers will show up next.


GMoney said...

I feel like this was the next logical step in the BRAH saga. And any Lou Diamond Phillips reference is welcomed on this site.

I was hoping that John would randomly fire Carlos after he had finished 80% of his meal like he did with Cam Cameron. But that was foolish because the BRAHs never get served.

Tonya said...

G$, I was just now able to read yesterdays post and am a little disappointed. Just so we're clear: free ticket + free beer + football = a good time. Tell me you would've said no and paid upwards of $200 over FREE!

Anonymous said...

The statute of limitations on defending yourself has expired, Tonya. You must comment before the end of business on the day you are insulted. You will forever be known as an intra-division traitor.

-Lil' Strut

Ice Man said...

I think the BRAHs are mistaken. Johnny Depp isn't Mexican. At least I don't think he is. Maybe they saw Once Upon a Time in Mexico and made the connection. And Joani Harbaugh-Crean may simply be Jim Harbaugh in a wig. It's terribly disturbing.

Tonya said...

Fair enough.

GMoney said...

LS is this site's head legal counsel (maybe?). I trust his judgment.

Does she go by Harbaugh-Crean? That's awful.

Did Johnny BRAH go to AA Pioneer HS? My college roommate went there (as did Bob Seger and former Michigan bball great Lavell Blanchard!).

Prime99 said...

Fucking phenomenal! You even worked in period underwear (aka Murder Panties)!

I'm surprised Jim did not ask to replace Carlos was a younger, clumsier waiter with more "potential" that would then fumble their food into their laps.

GMoney said...

Silly Prime, don't you know that John has TWO starting waiters. He just goes with the hot hand!

After killing FagNasty in the first round, I'm going to destroy Damman's fluke season this weekend to set up a monumental Super Bowl in the MSFL prematurely dubbed...


The Iceman said...

I don't know what "she" goes by because there's a good chance that she is actually a "he".

John did indeed go to Pioneer. It was probably the only all white school in Michigan. Outside of Bedford.

Jim likes his waiters mobile. It doesn't matter if they can't accurately set the food on the table. He just likes them to be able to maneuver around traffic in the restaurant.

Anonymous said...

Uh, lest you forget, I also have Light Blue blood coursing through my veins. Russian Cat Killers are a team of destiny. I think it's going to be a rematch of the famous "Seahawks D/ST" playoff game from last year that Prime I'm sure remembers so well.


Brady said...

Nice! I was wondering when the Brah's were going to make their next appearance. It's good to have your quota of Mexican racism taken care of before lunch. It really opens up the day for you.

Prime99 said...

As long as LIGHT BLUE makes it on my side of the bracket, I am happy. We can't have Train lover in the finals. That would not be cool.

Damman, I very much remember that famous match up. It will go down in the record books as one of the most exciting/heart breaking fantasy contests ever. Also, in my league where I was going for a 3-peat, Seattle's D roughed me up for 30+ points. Needless to say, they finished my season again.

I hate Pete Carroll so much.

Anonymous said...

I would love to pound pitchers of margaritas with the BRAHS.

Well done sir.


Anonymous said...

Prime won't be there

GMoney said...

Was Buke on Light Blue, too? That would make four out five in the MSFL semis as former teammates in YMCA hoops glory. Ide can get fucked.

Drew has always wanted to pound margs with Crean Pie.

Damman is full of shit. He already conceded our matchup since Dez hurt the finger that he uses to rip off his mom's bra.

Anonymous said...

My two playoff matches are going to be particularly heated games this week. I have the Ginger Duts in G$ where we are insanely evenly matched and are 1-1 together. Side bet with Baby Buke is being negotiated. And in MSFL after dispatching the tofu tickler, I get to go up against a guy who covers Temple of the Dog. His team is better on paper, but since his soon to be child will most likely wear some faded flannel onesies, I have to think the universe is on my side.


GMoney said...

Are you implying that Hunger Strike sucks? Because that is one of the greatest songs of all time. It might even be better than Meet Virginia. MIGHT.

Anonymous said...

Not at all. But I am saying that Temple of the Dog will be the most ELITE reference made all day.

You gotta beat the best to be the best, so I would rather play Prime now. This league is also the worst for not going 17 weeks. Same with DFL, but that league sucks anyways. I blame the commissioner. I think that's a song we can all sing to.


Prime99 said...

" And in MSFL after dispatching the tofu tickler, I get to go up against a guy who covers Temple of the Dog. His team is better on paper, but since his soon to be child will most likely wear some faded flannel onesies, I have to think the universe is on my side."

I want to talk shit, but that was pretty funny. Ill let AP do the talking for me when he runs TDs up your pooper.

Prime99 said...

Can Buke confirm he was also on LIGHT BLUE? I think he was but unfortunately, I don't keep the team pic framed and on my desk. I should consider doing that though. Very dominant team.

The Iceman said...

If you don't like Hunger Strike you can GTFO.

A flannel onesie is probably the most spectacular idea I've heard. Buy the rights before Ide gets rich off of that idea. No one wants to see a multi-million dollar Ide. He would pass out at 3PM at a bar almost daily. On second thought...

Prime99 said...

Upon searching for flannel onesies on Amazon, I found that they do not have baby onesies, but they do have plenty of adult flannel onesies! Iceman's wedding guests are going to be pleased if he chooses those for party favors!

Brady said...

If I don't get an adult flannel onsie in my groomsman gift, shit is going to get real.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to break up the ymca light blue lovefest, but I was not a member of your team.

The 150 you are projected at is a little higher than what I expect you to score this week. I think we win 135 to 120. I fully expect our matchup to be the "MSFL Super Bowl." Neither of your light blue teammates will stay within 20 pts of either of our teams next week.

Can't wait!


GMoney said...

Will anyone actually object if I start up the comment section bowl pool tomorrow? There is a chance that a CASH PRIZE is involved for the winner. It could just be a couple of CDs put out by the Cash Money Millionaires though.

Bowl pool though that costs nothing but commenting...you in?

The Iceman said...

No objection here. Have fun with that. Ace wasn't lying when he said it was a pain in the fucking ass to keep track of. I wasn't planning on doing anything like that this year.

Anonymous said...

I looked into this flannel onesies business, and man, is it a ripe market for these puppies. The money I make from my impending fashion empire will enable me to own the rest of you like common slaves. I would insist that you all walk around my homestead in blackface.

Being a Browns fan (until we lose, which we won't) has consumed most (all) of my sports enthusiasm as of late. Since OSU isn't in the picture, I couldn't be less intrigued to see really any bowl game this year. I do want to see the NCG just so those pompous Notre Dame jizzbags get raped by those pompous assholes from Bama. Also, Haslem's best friend Saban is rumored to be the front runner to take over from Pistol Pat Shurmur. Discuss.


The Iceman said...

The Saban NFL experience didn't work the first time. I'll pass.

Anonymous said...

There was a time where the thought of Saban coming back to Cleveland really excited me. That time has passed. Don't get me wrong, I would not be displeased or upset with the hire... just not excited anymore.


GMoney said...

Pat Shurmur is a winner. I have proof.

Anonymous said...

You will Sunday.


Anonymous said...

Count it!

Brady said...

I'll pass on Saban as well. We finally have something going. Dare I say I wouldn't mind seeing Paddy O Shurmur for another year?