Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Fantasy Glory and Fantasy Glory Holes.

                              "Fantasy Football makes me a sad panda."

We've nearly reached the end of this year's fantasy football season.  Depending who you are you're either relieved that it's over or upset that you can't kick the shit out of people anymore.  Since we are closing in on the dreaded "Dead Zone" of sports, topics are starting to become as thin as Dut's penis.  If I was gay and liked baseball I could talk about which pitcher itches his balls with the most grace or who spits tobacco juice on bare man ass with the most authority.  But I'm hetero and offer a much better topic.  Today I offer a post that writes itself.  The surprise winners and total letdown losers of the fantasy football season.

Surprise Winners:

RG3 - He plays football as well as he plays with hairy balls and boner skin.  It surprises me that a guy who loves the warm embrace of a muscular man would have so many yards rushing this year.  You would think he would WANT to get tackled.  Maybe he just bottles up all that sexual frustration to be released on team mates in the showers post game action.  I remember laughing at a fantasy mag I looked at around June ranking RG3 as the 8th best fantasy QB.  Joke was on me in the end.

Alfred Morris - Sticking with the Pigskins theme here.  Mike Shanahan stopped being a complete fuck face for one year and decided to stick with one guy in the backfield.  FINALLY!  Those who actually had the sack skin to buy into Shanahan's endorsement of Morris were paid off handsomely.  I just can't wait until everyone drafts Big Al in the 2nd round next year only to watch him split carries with some chatch the Pigskins drafted in the 7th round out of Wofford College.  GO TERRIERS!!

Reginald Wayne - Now that he's the elder statesman of this team, I will refer to him as Reginald.  Because that's an old fart's name.  I gotta hand it to ol' gray bush Reginald.  The critics thought he was done when Fetus Head AIDS necked his way over to Denver.  But instead, Reginald put his big black dick right in the fountain of youth and helped re-energize a team that needed a guy like him to lead it.  I've always like Reg and what he did this year makes me like him even more.

Andy Dalton - Sir Gingerness found a way to sneak his way into the top 10 in QB scoring this year.  His on the field sexual attraction to A.J. Green is something you should pay attention to moving forward.  I wouldn't be shocked at all to see Redhead Dawn crack the top 5 in the next 2 years now that Marvin Lewis knows that running the ball is stupid when you have terrible running backs.

Stevan Ridley - The first rule of fantasy football.  Never draft a Pigskins running back.  Second rule of fantasy football.  Never draft a Patriots running back.  Pretty fucking lovely how TWO sacred rules of fantasy football were shoved firmly up our asses this year.  Well laa-dee-fuckin-daa!  The Pats haven't had an RB ranked in the top 10 at that position since Corey Dillon, if I remember correctly.  (And I do.)  Tread lightly moving forward, but the days of Danny Woodhead doing his best Mike Alstott impression may be over...even though having a 168 lb. goal line back is super duper smart!  GRITTY!!

Randall Cobb - It's pretty crazy what Mike McCarthy is capable of when he stops smelling his own farts and pays attention to personnel.  Cobb has always been a speedy play maker and can make people miss in space.  Those of you who stuck with him after the first start where he laid an egg bomb were given a king's ransom.  Moving forward, it sounds like he's going to be the Packers' version of Percy Harvin...minus the dripping wet, diseased vagina skin that his body is apparently made out of.  Another thing Cobb did this year was make Greg Jennings expendable.  Buh-Bye!

Honorable Mentions:
Cam Newton
Peyton Manning
Matt Ryan
Doug Martin
Trent Richardson
C.J. Spiller
Demaryius Thomas
Cecil Shorts
Dez Bryant

Total Letdown Losers

Eli Manning - HEY!  Remember when G$ said Eli > Peyton?  Also remember when G$ gave Eli some undeserved mid-season Fantasy award...or something like that?  Fuck you for both of those.  Eli is worse than getting pie faced with skid marked undies peeled off the bottom of a dumpster at an abortion factory.  (Those exist, right?)  He was solely responsible for multiple disastrous fantasy finishes this year.  Eat sour dicks for eternity.

Darren McFadden - I'll try to keep this short because I could go on all fucking day about this titanic pussy.  All we heard all off season was how McFadden was "in the best shape of his life" has "never been healthier" and will have a "break out season" with the new "zone blocking scheme".  Well that sure fucking worked, now didn't it?  Not only did McPussyfarts get hurt AGAIN, but before the injury bitched about how the zone blocking scheme was flawed and that's why he wasn't producing.  Care to explain how Marcel Reese, a fat motherfucking fullback, was able to average almost 5 YPC the 4 weeks you sat nursing your gash?  I have an explanation.  FUCK YOU!

Greg Jennings - Here's how you handle a contract year.  Film a bunch of Old Spice commercials that are weird as fucking hell then get injured and sit out 3/4ths of the year.  Jennings was most likely a 2nd to 3rd round pick in most drafts this year and I'm willing to bet that most of those teams missed the playoffs.  Have fun playing for the Dolphins next year since Miami is the only team tardo enough to give an aging WR the money he wants.

Jay Catler - Here's something I'm glad I didn't listen to in the preseason:  Catler being a sleeper pick after being reunited with Brandon Marshall.  Here's my own personal rule.  Never trust a whiny, sourpuss QB who thinks he can throw a football through a key hole under ANY circumstances.  Catler may win some games for the Bears, may make them a better team and may be a decent real life QB but he is an absolutely fucking awful fantasy QB.  And he always will be because he's Brett Favre minus the cock shots to women half his age.

Ryan Mathews - Speaking of bloody tampons.  This crusty snatch just broke his OTHER collar bone last week capping off an impressively horrific fantasy season.  He was a unanimous first 3 round draft pick that produced like a 10th round pick.  To top it all off, Crater Face Norv even benched him for a couple weeks during the year for a journeyman and a guy with worse knees than Ric Flair.  Why?  Because Mathews' tiny carnie hands can't hold onto the fucking ball.  So let's cover this again briefly.  Massive pussy who can't stay on the field but when he does fumbles everything.  I'll pass forever.  Thanks.

Larry Fitzgerald - It pains me to put Lawrence on this list because his shitty season is by no fault of his own.  What did you expect when he has a 3rd string QB that will probably be driving a garbage truck in 3 years lobbing him moon balls or zipping ankle breakers all day?  I really feel bad for Fitz because he just keeps his mouth shut and goes to work every day.  A lesser man (me) would have definitely had a public outburst by now.  Or at least upper cutted someone in upper management's ball sack.  Moving forward it's probably a good idea to avoid Larry until they get a real quarterback.

Honorable Mentions:
Marmalard Rivers
Ben Raperburger
Mike Vick
Chris Johnson
LeSean McCoy
DeMarco Murray
Mike Wallace
Percy Harvin
Dwayne Bowe
Hakeem Nicks

There you go, dick lickers.  The one day out of the year you can piss and moan about fantasy bad beats and actually have people pretend that they care.  Only because they want you to listen to them cry when you're done.  After creating this list, it's incredible how many of the fucking losers I had on my teams this year.  Oh well, you live and learn I suppose.  Thank God I have fantasy basketball (6-1) to hold me over until August.  Let the bitching begin!


Anonymous said...

Overlooking AP? He went 3-4th rounds in most leagues since his knee explosion, and is now about to break Dickersons record!

Fitty is just a tragedy. Of course I would draft him first. However, he is experiencing fantasy justice making a deep playoff run. And sadly no, I still haven't benched him. He WILL produce this week!


GMoney said...

I like Ide's loyalty. I wouldn't have the nuts to sit him either. I do have the nuts to not draft a Cardinal though.

Chris Johnson has had a sneaky pretty good season for all the shit that he rightfully deserves.

Greg Jennings is aging? Aren't all football players? Isn't he 26-28 years old? I agree that he is OVERRATED, but he can still play now that he has dropped the word SMELLF on the American public.

I'm in the MSFL Super Bowl against Prime. I'm in the DFL Super Bowl for the second straight year to battle Dut. I am 25-4 the last two years in the league that isn't Dut's OTHER LEAGUE. I am pretty much the greatest auction league player of all time.

And in both of those leagues, I've already snagged the defense playing against the Jets on Sunday. I know what I'm doing, fagsticks!

Grumpy said...

Although the results are no longer counted, I am 7-7 in the MSFL, 3 games better than last year. I'm learning.

GMoney said...

It's all about progress, old timer. You'll catch on as soon as you realize that Antonio Brown and Mike Wallace equally blow.

Until Pey Pey wins a second one, I will hold on to my Eli argument like a fat girl waving her trophy from the smell contest (ELITE SNL reference). The first half tri-MVP was a YUGE lapse in judgment though. I don't know what happened there.

I actually don't buy that T-Rich was a stud this year. As I said yesterday, his numbers were a little too Bettis-ian for my taste.

Nate said...

Paul Haynes announced as new coach at KSU.

Kent State = cradle of coaches

Anonymous said...

I made the Super Bowl in the dfl and my "other league." I'm smarter than everyone.

While demarco Murray has been a bust, he is at least coming on strong at the right time. I can't wait to see him jam 20 up g$'s ass this week.

Honorable mention goes to Michael Crabtree. His game on Sunday alone deserves him the MVP of the league.

Suck it, Lange!


Anonymous said...

I may have had the weirdest fantasy season ever. After the first three weeks I was 3 and 0 with the most points in the g$fl....I then lost the next 11 straight weeks. Amazing. It wasn't even due to lack of effort as I picked up guys like TY Hilton. I blame G$s boy ELI.


Ice Man said...

AP went in the 4th round? When did you draft? Fuckin June?? Every single snake draft I was in AP was drafted no later than round 2. Some leagues he was actually kept. That's why I left him off because almost every report said that he would be ready to go week 1.

I didn't say Richardson was a stud this year, I just said he was a surprise winner. He's gonna top 1,000 yards with double digit scores and was taken in most drafts in the 3rd or 4th round. Unless you're in a league with Ide then he was probably drafted in the 12th.

Jennings is 29 and yes...has good football left. He's just starting to noticeably wear down and is not WURF the money he's gonna want. This is his last shot at a large cash monies and the Pack don't need to pay it.

Chris Johnson is a cock sucker and wasn't as good as you thought. Outside of like 5 games he was complete shit. A guy I'm drafting in the 1st 3 rounds needs to show up for more than a quarter of my fantasy season.

GMoney said...

I have an "interesting" problem this week as I will be starting Brees against Dut while Prime starts Brees against me. In theory, I SHOULD win at least one of these but which one do I want?

*The DFL pay is better
*Back-to-back is really impressive
*Butthole fleshlight is on the line
*I like Prime/do not like Dut

Looks like I'm OK with sacrificing my MSFL team to win the DFL again. But LESBIONEST, I want them bof.

Dut, are you in town on Sunday? If our matchup is close, I could see myself traveling into enemy territory and rooting against Crabtree. Plus, it's been a few months since I've ravaged that glory hole.

When are the Iceman NBA posts coming back!!!

Brady said...

I guess you can tell how my fantasy season went when I have THREE guys on the "Totale Letdown Losers" list. Fuck me. I'm glad it's over this year. Finishing in the bottom half of two big money leagues is not ELITE.

Iceman can lay off the NBA posts for as long as he wants.

Prime99 said...

G$- I'm in the SAME predicament! Brees against me in my other, higher buy in league. I don't want to sacrifice either league. Banking on AP and Arian leading the way.

Great question though- do I start Stafford vs ATL or Luck vs KC??? I'm leaning toward Luck but I'm going back and forf.

GMoney said...

Ugh, that's tough. Chins has appeared to quit but he will be trying to get Tron the record that no one gives a fuck about. If Luck is at home, I'd go with him.

Dut has to pick between Luck and RG3 this week. I guarantee that he chooses poorly.

Prime99 said...

Luck is on the road!!!

Anonymous said...

Im up against RG3 in G$. Lets hope he is useless so I can roll into the Super Bowl.


Mr. Ace said...

It's cards night, fagtrons!!! Who is making an appearance at the glory hole?

I really wanted to beat Dut in the DFL final...but I felt so dirty rooting for Sanchez. I never stood a chance.

Anonymous said...

I would probably go with Luck. Stafford has been straight shit this year and only has 17 TDs to Luck's 20. Kansas City's season is over and Atlanta is still trying to prove something.

GMoney said...

I'm with Ice. Plus, Indy's RBs are no threat to steal touchdowns because they are all SHIT.

Ace, it's better for me to do it. Your only decent fantasy players are Lynch and Seattle D and they get the Niners on Sunday so likely not a ton of points from them. I will kill Dut. Don't you worry.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to ruin Brady's day with NBA talk. Possibly a next Tuesday post? There's so much to discuss!!

Grumpy said...

Like Kyrie Irving and his perpetually broken vagina.

GMoney said...

If you want to write on Christmas Day, have at it. Good luck arguing against yourself. Actually, we should talk about how that is going to work.

Kyrie is a real man who plays with a broken jaw.

GMoney said...

Conversation had. Crisis averted. Iceman is hard at work in his sweatshop as we speak.

Prime99 said...

I will comment on Christnas, but only if Icenan involves Joe Johnson. He is ratings gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Prime99 said...


GMoney said...

Prime, Stafford/Luck is not nearly as sexy as your conundrum two years ago between Grossman/Tebow for championship glory.

Prime99 said...

In which I chose wrong (Sex Cannon) and still won! Suck it Peyton Hillis!

Anonymous said...

I would definitely comment on Christmas.


GMoney said...

Forget Christmas. Christmas is CANCELED!!!

It's funny because I'll be at my in-laws and they don't have internet access there. Not because they don't have it but because none of them can remember what the wi-fi password is and refuse to do anything about fixing the situation. They've been paying for the service for almost two years now and have never used it due to laziness.

Anonymous said...

I could easily explain how to get the password, because it is ridiculously easy to do, but the thought of not hearing from you for a brief amount of time far outweighs the thought of having you sully my Christmas experience, even if it is on your blog.

I hope you get shitty cell phone reception, too.


Ice Man said...

Christnas? Icenan? Prime must really love the letter "N". I bet his favorite word is the answer to "People who annoy you."

Prime99 said...

I have been drinking too much Iceman Hard Cider and can no longer spell. My bad, Icenan.