Tuesday, December 18, 2012
We've nearly reached the end of this year's fantasy football season. Depending who you are you're either relieved that it's over or upset that you can't kick the shit out of people anymore. Since we are closing in on the dreaded "Dead Zone" of sports, topics are starting to become as thin as Dut's penis. If I was gay and liked baseball I could talk about which pitcher itches his balls with the most grace or who spits tobacco juice on bare man ass with the most authority. But I'm hetero and offer a much better topic. Today I offer a post that writes itself. The surprise winners and total letdown losers of the fantasy football season.
RG3 - He plays football as well as he plays with hairy balls and boner skin. It surprises me that a guy who loves the warm embrace of a muscular man would have so many yards rushing this year. You would think he would WANT to get tackled. Maybe he just bottles up all that sexual frustration to be released on team mates in the showers post game action. I remember laughing at a fantasy mag I looked at around June ranking RG3 as the 8th best fantasy QB. Joke was on me in the end.
Alfred Morris - Sticking with the Pigskins theme here. Mike Shanahan stopped being a complete fuck face for one year and decided to stick with one guy in the backfield. FINALLY! Those who actually had the sack skin to buy into Shanahan's endorsement of Morris were paid off handsomely. I just can't wait until everyone drafts Big Al in the 2nd round next year only to watch him split carries with some chatch the Pigskins drafted in the 7th round out of Wofford College. GO TERRIERS!!
Reginald Wayne - Now that he's the elder statesman of this team, I will refer to him as Reginald. Because that's an old fart's name. I gotta hand it to ol' gray bush Reginald. The critics thought he was done when Fetus Head AIDS necked his way over to Denver. But instead, Reginald put his big black dick right in the fountain of youth and helped re-energize a team that needed a guy like him to lead it. I've always like Reg and what he did this year makes me like him even more.
Andy Dalton - Sir Gingerness found a way to sneak his way into the top 10 in QB scoring this year. His on the field sexual attraction to A.J. Green is something you should pay attention to moving forward. I wouldn't be shocked at all to see Redhead Dawn crack the top 5 in the next 2 years now that Marvin Lewis knows that running the ball is stupid when you have terrible running backs.
Stevan Ridley - The first rule of fantasy football. Never draft a Pigskins running back. Second rule of fantasy football. Never draft a Patriots running back. Pretty fucking lovely how TWO sacred rules of fantasy football were shoved firmly up our asses this year. Well laa-dee-fuckin-daa! The Pats haven't had an RB ranked in the top 10 at that position since Corey Dillon, if I remember correctly. (And I do.) Tread lightly moving forward, but the days of Danny Woodhead doing his best Mike Alstott impression may be over...even though having a 168 lb. goal line back is super duper smart! GRITTY!!
Randall Cobb - It's pretty crazy what Mike McCarthy is capable of when he stops smelling his own farts and pays attention to personnel. Cobb has always been a speedy play maker and can make people miss in space. Those of you who stuck with him after the first start where he laid an egg bomb were given a king's ransom. Moving forward, it sounds like he's going to be the Packers' version of Percy Harvin...minus the dripping wet, diseased vagina skin that his body is apparently made out of. Another thing Cobb did this year was make Greg Jennings expendable. Buh-Bye!
Total Letdown Losers
Eli Manning - HEY! Remember when G$ said Eli > Peyton? Also remember when G$ gave Eli some undeserved mid-season Fantasy award...or something like that? Fuck you for both of those. Eli is worse than getting pie faced with skid marked undies peeled off the bottom of a dumpster at an abortion factory. (Those exist, right?) He was solely responsible for multiple disastrous fantasy finishes this year. Eat sour dicks for eternity.
Darren McFadden - I'll try to keep this short because I could go on all fucking day about this titanic pussy. All we heard all off season was how McFadden was "in the best shape of his life" has "never been healthier" and will have a "break out season" with the new "zone blocking scheme". Well that sure fucking worked, now didn't it? Not only did McPussyfarts get hurt AGAIN, but before the injury bitched about how the zone blocking scheme was flawed and that's why he wasn't producing. Care to explain how Marcel Reese, a fat motherfucking fullback, was able to average almost 5 YPC the 4 weeks you sat nursing your gash? I have an explanation. FUCK YOU!
Greg Jennings - Here's how you handle a contract year. Film a bunch of Old Spice commercials that are weird as fucking hell then get injured and sit out 3/4ths of the year. Jennings was most likely a 2nd to 3rd round pick in most drafts this year and I'm willing to bet that most of those teams missed the playoffs. Have fun playing for the Dolphins next year since Miami is the only team tardo enough to give an aging WR the money he wants.
Jay Catler - Here's something I'm glad I didn't listen to in the preseason: Catler being a sleeper pick after being reunited with Brandon Marshall. Here's my own personal rule. Never trust a whiny, sourpuss QB who thinks he can throw a football through a key hole under ANY circumstances. Catler may win some games for the Bears, may make them a better team and may be a decent real life QB but he is an absolutely fucking awful fantasy QB. And he always will be because he's Brett Favre minus the cock shots to women half his age.
Ryan Mathews - Speaking of bloody tampons. This crusty snatch just broke his OTHER collar bone last week capping off an impressively horrific fantasy season. He was a unanimous first 3 round draft pick that produced like a 10th round pick. To top it all off, Crater Face Norv even benched him for a couple weeks during the year for a journeyman and a guy with worse knees than Ric Flair. Why? Because Mathews' tiny carnie hands can't hold onto the fucking ball. So let's cover this again briefly. Massive pussy who can't stay on the field but when he does fumbles everything. I'll pass forever. Thanks.
Larry Fitzgerald - It pains me to put Lawrence on this list because his shitty season is by no fault of his own. What did you expect when he has a 3rd string QB that will probably be driving a garbage truck in 3 years lobbing him moon balls or zipping ankle breakers all day? I really feel bad for Fitz because he just keeps his mouth shut and goes to work every day. A lesser man (me) would have definitely had a public outburst by now. Or at least upper cutted someone in upper management's ball sack. Moving forward it's probably a good idea to avoid Larry until they get a real quarterback.
There you go, dick lickers. The one day out of the year you can piss and moan about fantasy bad beats and actually have people pretend that they care. Only because they want you to listen to them cry when you're done. After creating this list, it's incredible how many of the fucking losers I had on my teams this year. Oh well, you live and learn I suppose. Thank God I have fantasy basketball (6-1) to hold me over until August. Let the bitching begin!