Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Yeah, Urb. Ram your khaki boner into Braxton Miller's dude parts. As the college football season comes to another close and all of you give thanks for year two of Iceman College football posts, I think it's only fitting we hand out some awards before we break down the bowl games next week. I've been instructed by plantation owner, Massuh G$ that a Heisman post is on it's way sometime soon. So save all Heisman talk until said post lest you thirst for the corporal sting of G$'s leather, studded justice. Moving on. These are awards I literally just made up but you'll see the recipients are more than deserving. The envelopes please...
The Darren McFadden Golden Pussy Award - Marcus Lattimore, South Carolina
Great, gaping pussy gashes! This guy has to be made out of crusty boogers and dried poop molded together with globs of semen. Part of me feels bad for Lattimore because he seems like a good kid and almost shares the exact same surname as the D-Lineman from The Program who has steroid baby nuts. But another part of me hates him because he played for shit sucking fuck bubble like Spurrier. Marcus would make up a lot of ground in the "feels bad" area if he put his head through a car windshield while screaming "STARTING DEFENSE! PLACE AT THE TABLE!! WOOOOO!!!" But my guess is that he's too busy learning how to walk again.
The Rick Majerus Quadruple Bypass Award - Jerry Kill - Minnesota
No surprise here. The seizure queen dominated this category. I don't know for sure, but I choose to believe that more people think this is funny rather than tragic. Only because it sounds like Jerruh is an insufferable twat wart who treats everyone like street trash. Kill will be the first coach to die on the sideline...assuming he doesn't get fired first. But he probably won't since the college football expectations in Minny are about as high as Damman's expectations when taking a girl home. Does she have a pussy? Check. Is she breathing? Check. Alright, bitch...let's go have disgusting sex.
The Brady Quinn Falling NFL Stock Award - Matt Barkley - USC
America's favorite boner lover really boned himself by staying back at USC for "unfinished business". Apparently that business was completely fucking destroying his own future. Think about how much cash this anus lost just by going back for his Senior year. It's truly astonishing. Merely one year ago he would have been the #2 overall pick, most likely to the Washington Pigskins, leaving the Browns to ruin the life of RGTHREELITE. Now Robz Griff is a stud in Washington and Bonerz will get drafted in round 2 or 7 since the Browns only draft a QB every OTHER year. Sorry, Bonerz. Wrong year or else you would have been a LOCK in the first round to Cleveland. NOW HE'S DONE!!
The Blaine Gabbert Drafted Too High Because Of One Season Award - Geno Smith - West Virginia
Hoooo Boy does this have NFL bust written all over it. He's most likely going to be the first QB taken in the draft this year and some GM uninterested in having a job next year will be the moron to pull the first round trigger. Now...I liked Smiff at the beginning of the year. Then I saw what he did against teams that actually had talent. Yikes. What a drop off.
The Commenter Brady Biggest Crybaby Award - Commenter Brady
Because he is and there isn't a close second. He always pisses and moans about Ohio being the victim no matter what sanction gets handed down and will never stop. If you need reference points just visit his Facebook any Saturday and read the whiny, sobbing comments as a ruined chance to play for a national title becomes more and more real. Just know that Brady is the backbone of why the world hates knuckle dragging, dick loving Ohio fans.
The Jim Schwartz Ass Hat Coach of the Year Award - Lane Kiffen - USC
Never before has there been a more OVERRATED coach than this dick cheese. The more I think about Kiffen, the more I wonder how he got a reputation of being an ELITE coach. He's a true cocksucker so you can't say it's because he's likable. He's currently 25-12 at a school that's used to going 11-1 every year so it's not because he wins games. USC recruits itself so you can't say he's a good recruiter. I mean, what 18 year old kid who is awesome at football doesn't want a chance to drown themselves in SoCal pussy and have a chance to play in a BCS bowl game every fucking year? Not to mention playing for a program that gets you NFL ready. So why does everyone continue to shine this guy's pole? It's like Cowfucker has the world brainwashed.
The Tardest of the Tardest Award - Ide's Tolerance
I think we can all agree this was a no brainer choice. A not so close second was the entire Big 10. Last week's Big 10 Championship game pretty much summed up how fucking pathetic this entire conference was all year. Ohio included despite the 12-0 season only you fans will remember. But it still didn't have the legs to out tardest Ide and his MoneyShot package boasting about his ELITE drinking skills. LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. <----Ide sleeping at halftime. Oh...and this lady got third because this still cracks me the fuck up.
The Best of the Best Award - Alabama's running backs - Uhhhh, Alabama
I'm TOTES jelly of this backfield and the history of running backs at Alabama in the past decade-ish. They go from Ingram to Richardson to Lacy to Yeldon while other schools can't even muster a single thousand yard rusher. Like I said before, I'm not sure which one of these bastards is going to be better, but I DO know that both are going to be destructive motherfuckers at the next level. And another thing...any time you interview a black guy who plays for ROLL DAMN TIDE, please put fucking captions up so I can understand the mush that's coming out. Thank you.
That wraps up our award show today, shit eaters. A special congratulations to all of our winners. Go home and fuck yourselves with these imaginary trophies. Another talking point to throw out there since it's pretty fresh and leads into next Tuesday's bowl game post. Apparently Kirk Herbstreit is none too happy about Northern IlliNOISE getting a BCS bid over Oklahoma. Herbie can be a dildo at times but he also brings up a good point. Hate Herbie all you want...especially those who own MAC thongs (G$ and Grumpy)...but Northern IlliNOISE did lose to a incredibly shitty Iowa team this year. Fact be facts, n-words. Discuss.