Tuesday, December 04, 2012

College Football Fake Awards for Real People

                And the sexiest homoerotic interracial embrace goes to........

Yeah, Urb.  Ram your khaki boner into Braxton Miller's dude parts.  As the college football season comes to another close and all of you give thanks for year two of Iceman College football posts, I think it's only fitting we hand out some awards before we break down the bowl games next week.  I've been instructed by plantation owner, Massuh G$ that a Heisman post is on it's way sometime soon.  So save all Heisman talk until said post lest you thirst for the corporal sting of G$'s leather, studded justice.  Moving on.  These are awards I literally just made up but you'll see the recipients are more than deserving.  The envelopes please...

The Darren McFadden Golden Pussy Award - Marcus Lattimore, South Carolina
Great, gaping pussy gashes!  This guy has to be made out of crusty boogers and dried poop molded together with globs of semen.  Part of me feels bad for Lattimore because he seems like a good kid and almost shares the exact same surname as the D-Lineman from The Program who has steroid baby nuts.  But another part of me hates him because he played for shit sucking fuck bubble like Spurrier.  Marcus would make up a lot of ground in the "feels bad" area if he put his head through a car windshield while screaming "STARTING DEFENSE!  PLACE AT THE TABLE!! WOOOOO!!!"  But my guess is that he's too busy learning how to walk again.

The Rick Majerus Quadruple Bypass Award - Jerry Kill - Minnesota
No surprise here.  The seizure queen dominated this category.  I don't know for sure, but I choose to believe that more people think this is funny rather than tragic.  Only because it sounds like Jerruh is an insufferable twat wart who treats everyone like street trash.  Kill will be the first coach to die on the sideline...assuming he doesn't get fired first.  But he probably won't since the college football expectations in Minny are about as high as Damman's expectations when taking a girl home.  Does she have a pussy?  Check.  Is she breathing?  Check.  Alright, bitch...let's go have disgusting sex.

The Brady Quinn Falling NFL Stock Award - Matt Barkley - USC
America's favorite boner lover really boned himself by staying back at USC for "unfinished business".  Apparently that business was completely fucking destroying his own future.  Think about how much cash this anus lost just by going back for his Senior year.  It's truly astonishing.  Merely one year ago he would have been the #2 overall pick, most likely to the Washington Pigskins, leaving the Browns to ruin the life of RGTHREELITE.  Now Robz Griff is a stud in Washington and Bonerz will get drafted in round 2 or 7 since the Browns only draft a QB every OTHER year.  Sorry, Bonerz.  Wrong year or else you would have been a LOCK in the first round to Cleveland.  NOW HE'S DONE!!

The Blaine Gabbert Drafted Too High Because Of One Season Award - Geno Smith - West Virginia
Hoooo Boy does this have NFL bust written all over it.  He's most likely going to be the first QB taken in the draft this year and some GM uninterested in having a job next year will be the moron to pull the first round trigger.  Now...I liked Smiff at the beginning of the year.  Then I saw what he did against teams that actually had talent.  Yikes.  What a drop off.

The Commenter Brady Biggest Crybaby Award - Commenter Brady
Because he is and there isn't a close second.  He always pisses and moans about Ohio being the victim no matter what sanction gets handed down and will never stop.  If you need reference points just visit his Facebook any Saturday and read the whiny, sobbing comments as a ruined chance to play for a national title becomes more and more real.  Just know that Brady is the backbone of why the world hates knuckle dragging, dick loving Ohio fans.

The Jim Schwartz Ass Hat Coach of the Year Award - Lane Kiffen - USC
Never before has there been a more OVERRATED coach than this dick cheese.  The more I think about Kiffen, the more I wonder how he got a reputation of being an ELITE coach.  He's a true cocksucker so you can't say it's because he's likable.  He's currently 25-12 at a school that's used to going 11-1 every year so it's not because he wins games.  USC recruits itself so you can't say he's a good recruiter.  I mean, what 18 year old kid who is awesome at football doesn't want a chance to drown themselves in SoCal pussy and have a chance to play in a BCS bowl game every fucking year?  Not to mention playing for a program that gets you NFL ready.  So why does everyone continue to shine this guy's pole?  It's like Cowfucker has the world brainwashed.

The Tardest of the Tardest Award - Ide's Tolerance
I think we can all agree this was a no brainer choice.  A not so close second was the entire Big 10.  Last week's Big 10 Championship game pretty much summed up how fucking pathetic this entire conference was all year.  Ohio included despite the 12-0 season only you fans will remember.  But it still didn't have the legs to out tardest Ide and his MoneyShot package boasting about his ELITE drinking skills.  LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  <----Ide sleeping at halftime.  Oh...and this lady got third because this still cracks me the fuck up.

The Best of the Best Award - Alabama's running backs - Uhhhh, Alabama
I'm TOTES jelly of this backfield and the history of running backs at Alabama in the past decade-ish.  They go from Ingram to Richardson to Lacy to Yeldon while other schools can't even muster a single thousand yard rusher.  Like I said before, I'm not sure which one of these bastards is going to be better, but I DO know that both are going to be destructive motherfuckers at the next level.  And another thing...any time you interview a black guy who plays for ROLL DAMN TIDE, please put fucking captions up so I can understand the mush that's coming out.  Thank you.

That wraps up our award show today, shit eaters.  A special congratulations to all of our winners.  Go home and fuck yourselves with these imaginary trophies.  Another talking point to throw out there since it's pretty fresh and leads into next Tuesday's bowl game post.  Apparently Kirk Herbstreit is none too happy about Northern IlliNOISE getting a BCS bid over Oklahoma.  Herbie can be a dildo at times but he also brings up a good point.  Hate Herbie all you want...especially those who own MAC thongs (G$ and Grumpy)...but Northern IlliNOISE did lose to a incredibly shitty Iowa team this year.  Fact be facts, n-words.  Discuss.


Anonymous said...

The Huskies lost to Iowa in both teams' first game of the year. Nobody knew at the time how bad Iowa would be and NIU had them beaten but pulled one of their seemingly typical brain farts, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Big boys should make the rules foolproof so they don't have to deal with stuff like this, OR they should suck it up, shut it up and move on.

Grumpy said...

That you Jordan?

GMoney said...

Jordan Lynch is an ELITE anonymous commenter. Frosted Tips Herbie and Broken Neck and The Bachelor completely embarrassed themselves on Sunday night while whining about something that was clearly inevitable anyway. The MAC was getting their champ into the Orange no matter what. We know this now. If it wasn't NIU, it was going to be Kent State and they would have gotten SLAUGHTERED by the Noles. The Huskies can beat them in what should be a pretty fun game.

I understand the argument that "U LOST TO IOWA FART NOISE" and that is viable...but so what? They've won 12 in a row in a conference that was better than the Big East and near equals with the ACC this year. It's not their fault that the BIG BOYZ are awful or cheaters. Be mad at Wisconsin or Louisville. L'ville is a 17.5 point underdog to a Florida team with a shitty offense. NIU is a 7.5 point dog to the Noles. Who deserves what?

Is Oklahoma better than NIU? Maybe but the Huskies didn't lose two home games by two scores this year.

I like fresh matchups. No one wants to watch OU/FSU play. I'll take the game that at least provides the spirit of the NCAA tournament.

Matt Barkley is still going to be taken in the top 3. Kansas City is way too racist to draft a black QB. He will be terrible.

REDSKINS FOOTBALL. Our defense may be absolutely awful but our offense is just bananas. We good.

Anonymous said...

PISTONS BABY! Whooped that Cavs ass last night. Pistons have won 5 home games in a row...if we get home court advantage in the playoffs LOOK THE FUCK OUT!

Denard should have gotten honorable mnetion for the vagina award due to that vagina on his elbow.


Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff said...

Clemson vs. LSU is OBVZ the best bowl game, even though LSU will probably set the single game sack record.

I don't see why everyone gets their panties in a bunch over little shits getting in the BCS. WHO CARES! Plus, it would never happen if Oklahoma and Alabama beat these teams like they should. They fucked it up and fucked themselves and everyone else. Playoffs soon enough.

Grumpy said...

Good call Jeff. WHO CARES. Nice to see a fresh face in the mix.

GMoney said...

Exactly. How much does it really matter? WHY ARE YOU IDIOTS FREAKING OUT OVER IT? The only bowl that matters is the big one anyway so give us something new with a chance for Florida State to get completely embarrassed.

In case you were wondering and couldn't figure it out, Iceman won the headphones with his MAC pick last week by a narrow margin over homo Jeff.

Jeff said...

Just like I missed out on the DFL playoffs by losing 2 consecutive weeks in a row by a combined 2.1 points and scored over 100 both weeks. FML. At least I made the playoffs in my other league and am one of 10 left in a survivor pool with over $6000 on the line (started with over 300).

GMoney said...

Ah yes, everyone is always the best in their "Other League".

I lost a bye in the MSFL. I'm going to blame Shonn Greene. How he has managed to stay employed by me for 13 weeks is absurd.

Anonymous said...

Jeff's loss is the fighting Fleshlights gain! I am a team of destiny and I will not be stopped. Obviously I am the best manager in the league since I am the only one to make the playoffs all 4 years. Be afraid, dfl.

These bcs games are the worst since the system started. The big east needs to lose their automatic bid, and a non-aq team should need to finish higher than 16 to get an automatic bid. There. Fixed. Pay me.


The Iceman said...

That's right I won those fucking head phones. It's because I'm the smartest person here. But we already knew that because of my ELITE Pistons playoff pick that's starting to come into focus.

Correction Anon, a lot of people knew Iowa was shit. Actually, probably everyone knew. They were unranked in the preseason coming off of a year where they finished 4th in the Legends division and were crushed in a bowl game they barely made. That was a bad loss to a bad Iowa team from a conference that has been getting progressively worse. You can try and dress it up any way you want but a BCS bowl contender beats Iowa and should do so convincingly.

Look, I'm not defending Louisville or Wisconsin either. It's stupid (yet hilarious) that both of these teams made BCS bowl games while being ranked in the 20s/unranked. I'm just saying I can understand why some people are upset about it. These guys are paid to care more about this shit than we are.

"Is Oklahoma better than NIU? Maybe but the Huskies didn't lose two home games by two scores this year"

Not maybe. Definitely. And NIU didn't play nearly the competition Oklahoma did. NIU lost to Iowa and nearly lost to Kansas and fucking Army. Oklahoma lost to a team playing in the national title and another team playing in a BCS bowl.

GMoney said...

If "every week is a playoff" then Oklahoma failed. They always say that it's better to lose early anyway. It doesn't matter who you lost to...you shouldn't lose home games if you're ELITE.

Dut, NIU finished 15th (or FIFTEENF). Keep reaching for that rainbow.

The Iceman said...

I'm not saying Oklahoma is ELITE. Just better than NIU and more deserving for a BCS game.

Anonymous said...

I'm all for NIU in the Orange Bowl and I'll root like hell for them in that game. Plus, if they win then Herbstreit looks like a complete idiot after his terrible rant the other night...so, that makes me even want them more to win.

Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl with five losses is laughable, but that's the risk you take when you do championship game qualifiers and two teams are banned from bowls in their division. I'll be rooting for Stanford.

Brady...Dut....ie...those that rooted for Michigan over Alabama...aka stupid people. Are you dumb enough to root for the Irish over Bama too?


Prime99 said...

Grrrrrrr... Everyone is SO MAD about who gets to play the best consolation game! Even with a 4 team playoff, we will still have 30+ consolation games that are useful for ADs stroking each other off and gambling.

I don't need to talk about my other leagues (though I made the playoffs in all of them.) Murder Panties has done just fine thus far- take another week off Brees! See you in two!

GMoney said...

Prime, any word on if Darrell Hazell and his hilariously stupid hat bill-bends is going to get the Cal job as rumored? What does Chip think about that? Why would a school in Cali even think about a MAC coach with no fucking local ties at all?

For the first time in a long time, Drew makes sense. You SHOULD want NIU to win because FUCK ESPN.

Fun FACT: Before last night, the last QB to win a MNF for the Redskins was Gus Frerotte. LOL! Our franchise history is so bad!

Anonymous said...

Oklahomo is better than:
(Maybe) FSU
Why everyone picking on a team that made it in on the same basis and shitty qualifications as the rest of the shit birds in the BCS games? I'll tell you why, fucking MONEY. Once again, they aren't arguing for the sake of the fans and the integrity of college football, they are all worried about how many NIU fans will show up and how many people won't give a shit to watch (most) of these games.

Who gives a shit the system is broken and the playoffs are coming.

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

"For the first time in a long time, Drew makes sense" FACT CHECK: I came up with the contest idea for the headphones just last Thursday.

G$....supposedly Purdon't is making a run at Hazell. I haven't heard anything from MY Cal sources on him. Funny part is IF Purdon't gets Hazell after getting turned down by Butch Jones...they will have stumbled into the better coach.


Prime99 said...

Same as Drew haven't heard anything on Hazell. Stop making stuff up, G$! You are supposed to be a reputable journalist! Don't stoop to ESPN's level!

The Iceman said...

Drew came up with the headphones contest but couldn't win the contest he created. My ears thank you, Drew.

Brady said...

There is a difference between whining and speaking the TRUF! The Buckeyes do get the shaft quite often.

Prime99 said...

Goddamn I can't imagine what it would be like to be anOSU fan! Sally Struthers should make commercials to help the poor, unfortunate Buckeyes and all of their struggles. Martin Luther King, Jr. would admire the type of drive and energy it must take the Buckeyes to take on such unfair circumstances! Keep fighting the good fight!

GMoney said...

^^^Another great comment from Prime.

Mike Gundy to Arkansas? More on this tomorrow. WHAT A TEASE!

Anonymous said...

Brady...answer the damn question. Are you rooting for ND in the national championship game?


GMoney said...

Nevermind...Prime gave me a much better topic for tomorrow. I've got my interview shoes on.

Anonymous said...

Actually it is Bret Bielema going to Arkansas

GMoney said...

Apparently, Arkansas is just going to hire everyone today. Hilarious that they will settle on Bielema. And there isn't a better definition for "settle" than him.

Oh well, at least WOOOOO PIG SOOEY now is being led by a Pigman.

Anonymous said...

Snoad was apparently first in line for the Arkansas job..they made a yuuuge error in hiring BB. Congratulations on 4 straight seasons of 7-5 or worse. Way to strive for mediocrity.
Ole Miss 1967>any other sec team
"I wish I was in Dixie"

Jon Gruden