Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Blizzard Comin' Yo

I hope that these are falling from the clouds
If the weather assholes are right (and they always are), we in Ohio are about to get hit by some type of blizzard today.  Well, I've been dying to use my snowblower again since I haven't in almost two years.  Anyway, while many of us wait for Old Man Winter to fudge-pack us to death, how about we get a decent post in?  Since I don't really care about the NBA's offerings on Christmas (or CHRISTmas if you are a giant douche), how about some random tales from my holiday extended weekend!

*I had to work on Monday until noon and then drive back to Nap so I loaded up on some T-Bell before departing.  FYI, those grillers that they have now are the Rusty Wilson's of fast food.  You don't expect much and-BAM-incredible.  For 99 cents, you can't beat them.  I paid for my 3 dollar meal with a 20 and they gave me back a five and 12 ones.  THANKS!  I like to think that the genius at the window took one look at me and determined that I was headed straight to a strip club.  Apparently, I give off an ELITE "spends Christmas Eve at The Private Dancer" vibe.

*I've spent the last three weeks telling She$ that I would go to church on Christmas Eve but NOT on Christmas Day, too.  Guess who went to church twice in 12 hours and has a crappy blog?  THIS GUY!  The two of us were totes having a fight in which neither of us said anything for most of Christmas Day over this.  But back to round 2 in God's house, there was an interesting conversation going on between the voices in my head during the service:

Voice 1 (Gilbert Gottfried): What are you doing here?  Look around--you have nothing in common with any of these people.  ANY OF THEM.  Including the wife.  Do you even believe any of this shit?  Angels?  The fuck?  Get up there, grab that mic, and tell the entire congregation that all of this is BULLSHIT. 
Voice 2 (Don Rickles): Listen to yourself...you are not even remotely qualified to be making mental statements like this.  You don't know ANYTHING.  You're basing this on the perceived notion that you are smarter than everyone sitting near you and you are not.  Just sit here, stick with that blank look on your face, stare straight ahead, and keep your mouth shut, you dummy.

Church was built for daydreaming.  Usually, I'm thinking about naked chicks or sports but this time I was actually questioning the existence of God solely because I was pissed that I had to go to his house two days in a row.  That right there is some top notch trolling.

*Remember how the old pastor there got fired for banging underage dudes back in the 70's?  That was awesome.  The new guy is from Wisconsin.  He sounds like The Torg.  I was waiting for him to call Desmond Howard a fag.

*I usually get a few WTF gifts but that didn't happen this time around.  My parents got me A Christmas Story coffee mug which has to be my favorite present this year.  That movie will forever be great.  It is THEE best holiday movie of all time (sorry Griswolds, it's true) and probably in my top ten.  If you disagree then you get fucked NOW.  Grover Dill is always major LULZ.  Somehow, not one of my in-laws has ever seen this movie.  Why did I marry into this family again?

*I'm one of those guys that says "tell me what you want and I will buy it for you" but I took some initiative this year with my Bengals fan sister.  I got her a sick vintage "Do The Ickey Shuffle" t-shirt.  She wore it for the game on Sunday and now they are going to the playoffs.  My gift SICK!

*My dog got a gift card to a pet store.  How does this work?  Do I pick some bones and shit for him or do we go there and he sniffs out what he wants?  What is the protocol here? 

*I did a lot of driving these last few days and that means either Christmas music or sports radio with substitutes like Linda Cohn.  One thing I know is that Adnan Virk is somehow twenty times worse than Cowherd.  Go back to Canada, dune coon!

That's it for today.  Bye bye.  If you want more, just scroll down a little farther and look at Iceman and Wheels' Christmas card.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Church was built for daydreaming."

That alone is worth the price of admission.

Anonymous said...

Exciting site banner news...Urbina has been released from prison!

Congrats on going to church two more times than I've been in the last 20 years (outside of weddings).

I hope the blizzard is super cray.

I absolutely love NBA Christmas Day games.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

You take Fido to the store and let him shop for himself.

GMoney said...

That would be interesting. We would be trying to buy some other dog's b-hole.

Congrats to Ugy!

The roads weren't too bad this morning. I'm sure that shit will be cray come 5 today.

Ice Man said...

Not a single flake in Toledo. Brady will be disappointed since he gets rock hard for shit like this. He has posters of Stan Stachak on the walls of his bedroom. Non NW Ohioans will have no clue who that is. Just know it was a great joke.

Every year Future Mrs. Ice's family has a Christmas party on Christmas Eve at a designated house. I told her last year it will never fucking be at ours because the majority of her family are nutty turds. So last year during this party I was forced to dress up like Santa and awkwardly hand gifts out to kids. I told her going into the party this year that I absolutely refuse to repeat what happened one year prior. So to make sure there was no possible way of anyone even asking me, I got fucking bombed out of my face at the party. I added a shot of crown to literally everything I drank. Including beer. By 9 I was good and tanked. Mission accomplished.

There is one brat ass fucking kid who runs around with no regard for anything...his own well being included. He's 4 and I believe him to be clinically insane since he runs up and hammer punches people for no reason at all. Well, this kid tripped and busted the shit out of his face on a chair right when we were leaving. I couldn't control myself from laughing out loud while everyone else had looks of terror on their face. I didn't care. I was drunk. I also fist pumped when I thought no one was looking. Apparently I didn't scan the room well enough. Caught eyes with one of her aunts as the fist pump came to a glorious end. Sure I'll be hearing about that later. Whatever...I wouldn't change a thing. That fuckin brat deserved it.

Jeff said...

The Christmas Eve/Day church double dip is very aggravating, thank GOD (like how I did that?) the church my parents go to only has a Christmas Day service if it falls on a Sunday.

Roads will be a disaster come 5. I need someone with 4WD to come pick me up in Dublin or else I might live out the scenario where I find out what it's like to masturbate in my cubicle (to Tonya and Drew's sextape, of course).

GMoney said...

ELITE Stan Stachak reference! Is he still alive? If the answer to that question is yes then is he still on TV? How many times has Dan Cummins tried to rape you since you moved to Toledo? I will never forget when he showed up to the opening game at Buckenmeyer Stadium and delivered the game ball via helicopter. DUMB!

Cheering for kids to get hurt is as American as apple pie and internet porn. I approve.

Jeff, we might be in the same milky white boat.

Anonymous said...

It's days like these that I am happy I don't live I'm Columbus anymore. With any moisture on the roads the drivers act like they are driving on 3 inches of snow. I can't imagine what it will be like when there is 5 inches of fresh snow at rush hour today. Enjoy your 3 hour commutes home.

Lil Strut

Ice Man said...

The answer is double yes. Stachak is alive, well and still plugging away as Toledo's favorite weather man.

The question you should have asked is "Is Dan Cummins still alive?". I mean...I don't watch much local news but every time I have I never see Danger Dan. I think Joe Nugent may have taken over that gig. Fun fact...I went to college with Joe Nugent. In our Journalism capstone class he did a story about a BGSU girl who was kicked out of her sorority for selling her dirty undies online. He showed up to her door to interview her about it and got the door slammed in his face. He's actually a pretty funny dude.

Prime99 said...

Double dipping on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Ouch. They don't usually respect the Catholic Hour on either day! That's a rough schedule.

We got Babies R Us gift cards so I imagine whatever the ruling is on your dog and his gift certificate is, we will do the same with our newborn infant in April?

GMoney said...

LS, I'm hoping that by 5 most of the assholes are already home. Plus, there was no one on the roads this morning so maybe everyone called off work today. Who am I kidding...I'm fucked.

Ice, Dan was still there a year ago when I was enjoying an ELITE night at the in-laws watching Big Board Friday. Hopefully, he's still dropping footballs from choppers.

Prime, those cards were addressed to you and the Mrs, right? This gift card was actually addressed to the dog! I liked it. I want to take him on his 20 dollar shopping spree so much.

GMoney said...

Also: Is no one going to challenge me on A Christmas Story being one of the best movies ever?

Brady said...

A Christmas Story is awesome. I watched it shit faced on Christmas Eve and laughed my ass off. My family finally made the ELITE move of exchanging presents on the 24th instead of waking up at 8am to do it on Christmas day. It was awesome. I was drunk by 9 and didn't wake up until 11 the next day. It truly was a Christmas miracle.

Snow is just starting to move into the area, Ice. It wasn't supposed to start until around noon. You may not get as much up there in Toledo but the further south you go, the worse it's going to get. Stachak Out!

Anonymous said...

Count me as one of the few that has never seen A Christmas Story. And I never will out of spite for everyone telling me how great it is. Sorta like anything Harry Potter related.

My cunt boss is talking about sending people home early today because of the storm. Of course, since I am lucky enough to live about a mile from where I work, I am not included in this. I hear her say, "well, nick lives close enough. He can cover the work if one or two people leave." Fucking awesome. It will be hard for them to leave with slashed tires.

I spent my christmas eve getting butt rammed by hollywood casino. I was in a very giving mood with my chips all night!

-Damman

GMoney said...

Christmas Eve at the casino...that's not OVERRATED.

Brady, it does not surprise me at all that the family that still has birthday parties for grown men would also wait until Christmas morning to open gifts. Thanks for the NWO weather update though!

My bro in law got his smoker out yesterday and did a ham that way. It was good although I thought that it would be better to be honest.

Ice Man said...

There's something mentally wrong with people who have not seen a Christmas Story. So it makes sense Damman hasn't watched it. Probably not enough fat girls in it for him. I wouldn't say it's the GOAT but its definitely in the top 5...along with Christmas Vacation and Scrooged.

Anonymous said...

Still really isn't doing shit outside except for some light freezing rain.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Not surprisingly, I've been to a casino on Christmas Day for Christmas dinner. It is a great way to celebrate the reason for the season!

There definitely were gifts addressed to "Zachary William." I don't recommend prereleasing the name picked out for an unborn child. Relatives go nuts for it!

Prime99 said...

And I prefer Home Alone to A Christmas Story, but ACS is still great! The Asians at the end are rovable!

Brady said...

Snowing like a motherfucker here in BG.

I forgot about Scrooged. That definitely ranks right up there.

Mr. Ace said...

Just barely missed the blizzard and now waiting for my flight in Chocolate City!!! I will be.on a golf course with a beer and a cigar in four hours. Suck it.

I kept Lange out of the money in the DFL. Merry CHRISTmas!!!

Anonymous said...

I would love to see the crowd at the casino on Christmas Eve.

Just landed in Chicago from the beautiful state of Jew jersey. Flight leaves in 2 hours for Detroit. This fucking blizzard better hold off!!! I have plans to rake in all of dammans chips that he lost at Hollywood North (Toledo).

I can't believe you ass clowns actually work this week. Haven't you figured out how to "work from home" yet?

We watched Christmas vacation and parts of Christmas story yesterday. Both movies are fabulous.

I'm currently sitting next to a fat whore at the airport bar. He has 3 feet to her right that she could scoot. 500 lbs AND inconsiderate? She should be charged double for being fat.

I love angry g$ posts.



Dut

Prime99 said...

Ace- pay me.

Merry CHRISTmas!

GMoney said...

Prime, Z-Dub is a fine name and I am trademarking that nickname. It takes balls to name your first born after Zach Randolph. Thank you for not stealing my potential son's name of Mohamed God Money.

My parents drove up to Lakewood to go through the ACS house a few weeks ago which takes tremendous commitment. Apparently, next year is the 30th anniversary of the movie and all of the actors will be there except for the two that have died (RIP turkey connossieur). The kid that played Scott Farkus has to be homeless.

Ace gay.

GMoney said...

Yeah, Ape, pay me too. Dut as well. You n-words are late on ya bills AGAIN!

Anonymous said...

The crowd at the casino on christmas eve was not as horrible as I anticipated. Very sparse though. I felt like a real degenrae, which I am so it was all good.

ACS sucks.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

I'd love to tell you that Zack Morris had nothing to do with the naming of our kid- but I'm pretty sure I'd be lying.

Ice Man said...

I'm thinking it was more like Zack Novak or Zac Efron.

Prime99 said...

Iceman is just butt-hurt that his suggestion of "Iceman Graigory" was rejected.

GMoney said...

That's enough of that. You know the rules around here.

Anonymous said...

I did something ELITE and saw Zero Dark Thirty as part of our go see a movie on Christmas tradition. I had a massive erection when they started the raid on Obama's house.

I also got the gift of knowing two of the worst people will be paying me a sum of money this coming weekend. This also pleased me.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I didn't say nothin' 'bout nothin'!