|I hope that these are falling from the clouds|
*I had to work on Monday until noon and then drive back to Nap so I loaded up on some T-Bell before departing. FYI, those grillers that they have now are the Rusty Wilson's of fast food. You don't expect much and-BAM-incredible. For 99 cents, you can't beat them. I paid for my 3 dollar meal with a 20 and they gave me back a five and 12 ones. THANKS! I like to think that the genius at the window took one look at me and determined that I was headed straight to a strip club. Apparently, I give off an ELITE "spends Christmas Eve at The Private Dancer" vibe.
*I've spent the last three weeks telling She$ that I would go to church on Christmas Eve but NOT on Christmas Day, too. Guess who went to church twice in 12 hours and has a crappy blog? THIS GUY! The two of us were totes having a fight in which neither of us said anything for most of Christmas Day over this. But back to round 2 in God's house, there was an interesting conversation going on between the voices in my head during the service:
Voice 1 (Gilbert Gottfried): What are you doing here? Look around--you have nothing in common with any of these people. ANY OF THEM. Including the wife. Do you even believe any of this shit? Angels? The fuck? Get up there, grab that mic, and tell the entire congregation that all of this is BULLSHIT.
Voice 2 (Don Rickles): Listen to yourself...you are not even remotely qualified to be making mental statements like this. You don't know ANYTHING. You're basing this on the perceived notion that you are smarter than everyone sitting near you and you are not. Just sit here, stick with that blank look on your face, stare straight ahead, and keep your mouth shut, you dummy.
Church was built for daydreaming. Usually, I'm thinking about naked chicks or sports but this time I was actually questioning the existence of God solely because I was pissed that I had to go to his house two days in a row. That right there is some top notch trolling.
*Remember how the old pastor there got fired for banging underage dudes back in the 70's? That was awesome. The new guy is from Wisconsin. He sounds like The Torg. I was waiting for him to call Desmond Howard a fag.
*I usually get a few WTF gifts but that didn't happen this time around. My parents got me A Christmas Story coffee mug which has to be my favorite present this year. That movie will forever be great. It is THEE best holiday movie of all time (sorry Griswolds, it's true) and probably in my top ten. If you disagree then you get fucked NOW. Grover Dill is always major LULZ. Somehow, not one of my in-laws has ever seen this movie. Why did I marry into this family again?
*I'm one of those guys that says "tell me what you want and I will buy it for you" but I took some initiative this year with my Bengals fan sister. I got her a sick vintage "Do The Ickey Shuffle" t-shirt. She wore it for the game on Sunday and now they are going to the playoffs. My gift SICK!
*My dog got a gift card to a pet store. How does this work? Do I pick some bones and shit for him or do we go there and he sniffs out what he wants? What is the protocol here?
*I did a lot of driving these last few days and that means either Christmas music or sports radio with substitutes like Linda Cohn. One thing I know is that Adnan Virk is somehow twenty times worse than Cowherd. Go back to Canada, dune coon!
That's it for today. Bye bye. If you want more, just scroll down a little farther and look at Iceman and Wheels' Christmas card.