Friday, December 14, 2012

About That "Cornball Brotha"...

Footlongs for women only.
Well, the time has arrived. Your ol’ pal, G$, gets another stab at ending his incredible in-person Redskins losing streak. It’s not like I’ve been to a ton of their games over the last 20 years, but I would say that the total is 5 or 6 and they never win. I don’t think that I’ve seen them triumph live since Super Bowl XXVI. That was 21 fucking years ago. My drought can legally goddamn drink. Or, if my drought played for the Cowboys, it could get drunk, drive, and then kill your drought. It’s a full service drought. Anyway, I’ve been looking forward to this for awhile and it really helps that this game means a lot for both teams (less for the Browns OBVZ but at least they aren’t eliminated yet). Doing some mornin’ drinkin’ with Seal and his bros while relying on them to protect me from the thousands of ham-fisted mongoloids that inhabit that stadium is important, but it should be a good time nonetheless. With all that said, I want to talk about something that you never want to ask me about because I will never stop talking about it if the floodgates open even just a little:

RG3.

Doesn’t it seem like everyone in America has the answer (to a question that no one asked them) for how the Redskins should handle the straightest quarterback in America. He’s the kind of man that makes John Wayne look like a faggot by comparison! Anyway, everyone seems to think that they know the best way for the most entertaining player in the league to be used. They don’t know shit. I’ll tell you EXACTLY how the Shanahans should use Griffin: EXACTLY how they have done it so far. This offense is almost unstoppable (as long as it isn't raining...fucking Pittsburgh) so why the fucking hell would they consider changing it???

I am so sick and tired of Mormon assholes like Steve Young or coked-up dads of loser sons like Cris Carter constantly wondering how long RG3 can survive. WHO CARES? Can't you just enjoy what you're watching instead of worrying about what may never happen?  These guys probably also believe in that Mayan horse plop, too.  And I say this as a guy who actually has a rooting interest in the guy. Yes, it would be nice if he had a little more bulk or slid more—I get that. That will all probably happen in time anyway. All I know is that I absolutely love watching the kid play football and I don’t want him to change the style with which he approaches the game. Seriously, these idiots are trying to tell this TRANSCENDENT player to “be worse”. That makes zero sense. "Take everything that makes you ELITE and be Tony Banks." Got it? GOT IT!

I admit that he’s probably more prone to injury with his style than others (I would be quite blind to not admit this) but it’s hardly and exact science (or a science at all) to predict future injury. He got a concussion this year. Great, Troy Aikman got about 400 of them and he didn’t run all over the field. If you’re afraid of people getting hurt then you shouldn’t be watching football. You should support a queer sport like soccer or something else. I’m not going to lose any sleep over football players getting banged up because that is what is supposed to happen. Worrying about that is a pointless venture.

Of course, this has all culminated this week as Mike Shanahan plays his macho head games with Pat Shurmur and Dick Jauron. Will he or won’t he play? Should he play? RG2 came out and said that his son will play. RG3 says that he is going to play. Doctors and our orange-faced coach have not agreed to that yet and they aren't going to announce it until Sunday. Some of my dumb fellow Redskins fans think that he should sit even if cleared because we should be able to beat the Browns with Kirk Cousins anyway. We’re 7-6 and coming off of two decades of shit and some of us are penciling in road wins against scrappy teams! DUMB!  We are not a very intelligent fanbase outside of myself.

If he is cleared to play then he should play. Period. Any other line of thought is Chris Bridges (get it?). God, he better fucking play on Sunday. I'm not sitting in 35 degrees and snow for Kirk Cousins.  You losers deserve to see who genius Mike Holmgren passed on. Actually, would you guys rather have RG3 or T-Rich and Weeden? You can’t really go wrong either way (due to Weeden being so damn talented, Dut), but I’m curious nonetheless.

I think that we win with or without him. We’ll win by double digits with him or a KAI IS MY GUY boot without. I’ll say that he plays and the Skins go to 8-6 with a 31-20 victory. If you want a few more topics to volley around today that aren’t Redskins-centric:

*Roger Goodell wants to add more playoff teams. I’d be OK if they went to 7 per conference. The #2 seed shouldn’t get a bye.
*Pierre Garcon, when he plays, actually looks like a #1 receiver. I was not expecting this to happen.  And apparently these points are going to also be Redskins-related after all.
*Since everyone else constantly talks about who the best rookie QB is, we might as well jump on the bandwagon. If you say Rusty Wilson then you need to Belcher yourself.
*Let’s say Seattle wins the wild card by a game (and that could happen over my team). How pissed am I allowed to get because Pete Carroll was given a win by those scabs and my team is sitting at home? I think that Seattle should lose all tie-breakers as penance for that garbage Monday night win.

Finally, it’s time to end the DFL and MSFL seasons of Ape and Damman. The flukes have gone on long enough. HAIL TO THE REDSKINS. I’m going to kick Seal’s nuts in. I could not be more excited. 

58 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ludacris reference!

The Eagles are the worst goddamned team in the history of football. I hope they get Marshalled in the near future. If the Browns win this week, I have to root for the Ravens and fucking Steelers in consecutive weeks, providing the Cowboys win this week.

Ide

Grumpy said...

RG3 is the most exciting player to come along in maybe decades. Let him be who he is.

Have fun. Go 'Skins.

GMoney said...

One might say...LET HIM LIVE!

TORG UPDATE!!! He's whining on Facebook about how Rob Parker gets to go on the air today and he got canned over a "joke". Torg sucks.

My favorite part of the Parker insanity was Ide's buddy Stephen A shaking his head at how dumb his BROTHA was.

Perfect night in fantasy for me. Ape only got 17 total from AJ and Maclin thus getting off to a terrible start and AJ pooped on Damman's Gresham. I'm going to the Super Bowl in both leagues. HOWEVAH, I feel like I have to root for Dut to beat Lange. Normally, I root for Dut to lose at all costs...but I want nothing to do with that Bears Defense playing the Cards next week. Go Dut???

Grump, look for me on Big Ten Network tonight. I'll be rooting for the RedHawks to knucklepuck the shit out of Little Brother this evening.

Grumpy said...

Check the camera angles, get down in a corner and bang on the glass. I like to laugh at those guys.

MuDawgfan said...

I want Rob Parker to get fired and then I want to the people who agree with him to come out of the weeds and complain about his firing.

Then we have a good old fashioned black guy dispute! Everyone can chime in too! Cedric The Entertainer, President Obama, the black guy from the High Life commercials, Cee Lo Green...etc

Question for the comment crew - who is your favorite non-athlete black guy?

For me it's a no brainer. John "Big Daddy" Bishop, owner/operator of Dreamland BBQ.
http://planetzman.com/featured/dreamland-barbecue-outrageous-southern-style-ribs/



Anonymous said...

Rob Parker is insane and incredibly racist. If anyone hasn't seen the video you need to watch it. It basically goes like this...and this isn't an exaggeration...

RP: I want to know what type of brotha RGIII is. He's got a white fiance (I'm surprised he likes the small dick), he's supposedly a Republican and he just isn't urban. I want to know if he's a cornball brotha or a brotha.

Skip Bayless: Rob...what do you think of RGIII's braids? (this question blew my mind with how seriously he asked it)

RP: His braids are urban.

Then they cut to Stephen A. Smith and he just looks dumbfounded at the discussion he just witnessed..

SS: I'm uncomfortable with where this discussion just went.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Favorite non-athlete black guy...the guy that played Cutty Wise and now Tyreese!

Don't you talk about my boy, Wendell Middlebrooks (High Life Guy) like that! Meeting him was one of my prouder moments.

I have a feeling that Parker's supporters will all be Atlanta Falcons fans...ifyacatchmahdriff!

Anonymous said...

Some breaking Money Shot news for everyone. Your reigning six year in a row Commentator of the Year (me) is currently working the last day for the company that I've worked at for the last eight years. I begin my new gig next Wednesday.

So.....I anticipate being very very busy there for a while and I'm not sure the whole computer situation. I think for a while my commenting will be relegated to early morning, poops and lunch. I want to apologize first to G$ as he's about to get about 250 less hits a day on the website from me, which is going to hurt his wallet. I also want to apologize to my fans as I won't be able to regulate the moronic comments of people such as Slow Seal.

I'm not leaving you fools...I ain't no Dut. But, beginning Wednesday my commentator of the year crown may finally be up for grabs.

--Drew

MuDawgfan said...

I have a feeling that Parker's supporters will all be Atlanta Falcons fans...ifyacatchmahdriff!


USED to be Falcons fans. They left when Vick went to Philadelphia

Grumpy said...

Drew, you may have been at your current job for 8 years, but with your internet time accounted for, you only worked 2 of those years.

Anonymous said...

That's pretty accurate Grumps. The idea of an actual full "work day" is somewhat frightening to me. Maybe they go fast though?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Grumps...teh scariest part is that I'm going to have a somewhat decent sized team under me. I can't wait til Wednesday..."Hi, I'm Drew. Once we get situated I plan on handing off as much work as possible to you guys and getting back into commenting on a blog all day. Let's get to that point as fast as possible".

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Oh...Brady...I saw you got retweeted by Steak and Stiffarms. I guaransheed you have masterbated to her before.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Good luck (I guess) Drew. I imagine that you won't be doing anything today. You shouldn't. We'll survive.

Jeff said...

Agreed G$, LET HIM LIVE! Just tell RG3 to lay off the KY before the game Sunday. A skins WR just dropped another pass....

Torg is a whinny little bitch now. Crazy Robert Carpenter and Circle Craig Krenzel do just fine.

A day late, but 30 for 30 on the Torg for the fastest fall from grace ever with no chance to ever become anything ever again.

Anonymous said...

Yeah...not doing shit today...gonna TOTES leave early too. They surprised me with a huge nacho/taco bar yesterday. It was very nice. So, I'll be dropping lots of comments on here today..just gonna leave this window open.

--Drew

Ice Man said...

You guys won't beat the Browns with Kirk Cousins. FACT! And to answer your question we would rather have RG3 over Richardson. Even though I feel like you were being a facetious doucher with that question.

Drew, as a guy who took a promotion last year that involved way more time consuming responsibilities...I can promise you that you'll still have time to blog. You just need to get creative. And get a fake case of irritable bowel syndrome.

GMoney said...

Drew COMMENTS. He does not BLOG. Big, sexy difference.

I'm glad that you feel that way, Ice, because some of the geniuses on WFNY are still saying that the Skins gave up too much and that they would rather have T-rich, Weeden, Schwartz (whoever that is), and the 1st next year instead. DUMB.

Cousins never loses in Ohio. FACT. COUNT IT!

Taco Bar? TACO BAR! Those people must love you.

Prime99 said...

Congrats Drew! I moved complies in June, and said the same exact thing- but you'll be fine. I read in th morning before work and maybe comment. Then I comment from my phone the rest of the day. I predict no drop off in commenting quantity.

Cornball brotha is one of the funniest and most infuriating thing I've heard in a while. Rob Parker is a moron and Skip Bayless should have hourly pineapples shoved up his ass when he finally makes it to hell.

Ice Man said...

CockLover the 3rd is clearly a franchise QB. Something the Browns haven't had since Kosar. Just once I want to know what it's like to know who my QB will be for the next 10 years. Even though Richardson is a fuckin moose with speed and makes my dick hard, I want a motherfucking franchise QB and would've sacrificed a chance at TRich for that.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the support Prime and Iceman....good to know you think it can be done.

Tigers just resigned Anibel Sanchez to an $80M contract. Bless Mike Illitch's heart...that man deserves a championship. It's almost like that's the only thing in the whole world he cares about before he dies and he gives zero fucks about how much money it's going to cost him.

--Drew

GMoney said...

More like LOLitch! Should have let that turd with the woman name go.

T-Rich is a stud but AlfMo and Muscle Hamster are proving that it's not the best decision to spend a high pick on a RB (as I said in my mock draft).

Prime changes complies all the time!

Prime99 said...

Ha! Damnit.

Anonymous said...

52 and cloudy Sunday - not bad for a Browns game in December. Should be fun - let me know what time you guys are for sure going to get up here and Ill tell you where to meet us. Going to do a little bar hopping and stop by a friends tailgate as well.

LOLZ at the Tigers giving Sanchez 80 mill.

Seal

GMoney said...

By the way, Mac and Charlie staring at each other from across that restaurant with blank faces was absolutely hilarious to me. Anyone without a shot hates the troops!

Anonymous said...

Oh and congrats on the new job, Drew.

Seal

GMoney said...

52 and cloudy? Damman said 35 and snow. What an asshole! Seal's forecast is way more ELITE! That's damn fine drinkin' weather.

I'm about 99% sure that RG3 starts. Who practices all week and then doesn't play on Sunday? Not big strapping straight men, I'll tell you that much!

The Browns are somehow 1.5 point favorites. You should bet on the Skins.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, LOLZ @ the Tigers giving a pretty good 28 yr old pitcher a 5 yr deal. OBVZ money ain't a problem...so, keep that talent stocked! I bet we trade Porcello and I'd rather have Anibel then him...so, all good.

Thank you Slow Seal. I will be rooting for your Browns to beat the Skins this Sunday. I like the Browns more than the Skins and I'm pretty sure Weeden is not a homosexual.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

He is not. 100% of fags contract AIDS by the tender age of 27 (shelf life for RG3, womp womp), so this puts Weeden in the clear.

Ide

Anonymous said...

RGIII is the gayest NFL QB in a decade

Kordell Stewart

Prime99 said...

I want to know if Weeden is a ginger, or a cornball ginger?

Anonymous said...

Drew sits in a tailor at a construction site managing illegal immigrant workers? Did you switch jobs or families. This is my best guess for what he does with the facts that I have (taco bar and big teams).

No Hamilton to the halos talk? I didn't waste time reading up on him but seemed like I didn't hear the Angels once until her already signed...

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

John Ourand @Ourand_SBJ 49s
ESPN: "Rob Parker has been suspended until further notice. We are conducting a full review."

--Drew

Anonymous said...

But who will EMBRACE THE DEBATE on Saturdays?!?!

Anonymous said...

JSaul...I was managing "The Private Dancer"...it is a terrible strip club in Columbus with a heavy Latino influence in their strippers. I've moved up to the big leagues and will be managing Columbus Gold now. The best part is that we bring in pornstars on the weekends, so once everything gets settled I plan on just sitting on Spankwire and XVideos in my office all day long "scouting" which girls to bring in in the upcoming months.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Ahhh... The "taco bar" makes so much more sense now...

Anonymous said...

Yup...real tacos to start...pink tacos for dessert.

--Drew

Ice Man said...

Kordell Stewart rules for that comment. I'm able to look past him giving out BJs in the back seat of his car after Steeler home games.

GMoney said...

Ya'll just jelly because you support a cornball ginger while I root for the black James Bond.

Not even Hank Steinbrenner would give 80 million dollars to a #4 starter. Congrats?

Anonymous said...

Hank Steinbrenner doesn't have the scrilla OBVZ to do it then huh? Illitch throwing that paper around baby!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Hot scoop! RG3 has hired a blackness coach.

At the behest of RG3's agent in light of recent statements of one Mr. Rob Parker, it has been decided that image goes farther than athletic prowess. So he reaches out to some of his minority friends and gets a hold of a life coach named Clipz.

Clipz, a man 5'10 in stature but ripped like a typical black man who has spent many stretches inside the joint arrives at Mr. Griffins house.

Griffin arrives at the door wearing a sheer silk robe, silver in color, with lime green socks. His white fiance, Chris, can be heard singing in the kitchen. Deep, raspy voice for a woman, but Clipz can't see her.

"I'm here to give you some street cred, and to toughen your image up."

RG3 responds, "Thanks for coming out Mr. Clipz, but as I told my agent and the media, being a black athlete doesn't matter to me."

"Negro please, I will slap da fuckin taste out yo mouth, you give me one more cracker ass line like that."

/slaps him anyways to prove dominance. RG3 gets slightly aroused.

Clips starts to go to work. "First off nigga, take those gay ass socks off..."

"Oh, no he didn't!" Chris could be heard exclaiming from the other room.

"Sorry, he, err, she has a nasty cold and her voice is a bit raspy. Sweetie, can you quietly tend to the tulip garden!?" Success. RG3 is relieved.

Clips, slightly deterred, keeps focus. "Next, you need to walk and run like a man. Stop arching your back and strutting around like a peacock!"

"Ohhhh, what a beautiful animal with pretty colors and a playful name!"

Ignoring him, he presses on, lower your shoulder, keep your head down and drive through your opponents. None of that slide shit, and none of that prancing around like a faggot thing you do. Do you want your knees to last longer than 3 years in this league?"

"My knees are important every day, Clipz. I use special cream to stop from various burns and abrasions one might get from, uh, football stuff."

Missing the subtleties, Clips moves to image. "You need to start dressing more hood, and listening to some gangster shit. That way people will fear you off the field as much as they do on the field. You need to be a mean motherfucker!"

RG3 adds with great inflection, "you mean FIERCE?!"

"Umm, ok, sure. Let's put some music on that will make you hard. No, street hard, stop that. Jesus."

So he puts on Dre Day from the 1992 smash album, The Chronic. If early 90's west coast street rap doesn't toughen this kid up nothing will. But, little could he predict how the song, and his day would turn.

Dr. Dre says, "Gap teeth in your mouth so my dicks got to fit" Snoop chiming in with, "With my nuts on your tonsils..."

RG3 smiles wide.

It's gametime...


GMoney said...

No, they smartly don't let Hank out of the Tampa horse stables anymore.

I hope you guys don't run into the Giants again.

GMoney said...

Wow...that was long and unfunny. No wonder it was posted anonymously. Nice try, Jay Leno.

Anonymous said...

ELITE RG3 post!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I think this CT shooting may just be about the first thing ever too awful for anyone to make a joke about at Money Shot in the blog's history. Maybe Ide will go after it at some point...but, I even question that.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I was considering the idea of tossing out a joke for about 10 minutes. I had about 100 ideas but only 26 of them stuck, none of them were really funny.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Seriously though, that story is sick and actually disturbs me.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Agreed.

--Drew

GMoney said...

This is the kind of thing that happens when you falsely accuse an ELITE man of being a homosexual. This is on all of you.

Ice Man said...

Hopefully the Anon post with the terrible RG3 story was the hack that accused me of being unfunny and trying too hard this past year. Internet Justice!!

But seriously...that was a fucking awful attempt at humor.

Anonymous said...

Not racist enough for my style of writing. Had some potential though. I was busy trying to tie in an ELITE shooting reference to today's comments.

Black faggot qb's and poor defenseless white children just don't mix in the world of humor.

However, the soapboxes are out in full force on facebook today. GUN CONTROL ALL AROUND. And I'm already starting to see the cheesy prayers with Sandy Hook pictures. TGIF amirite?

Ide

GMoney said...

God, you're right, Facebook has to be a nightmare today.

Anonymous said...

It was connecticut, so it was probably only white kids that died

Al Sharpton

Anonymous said...

I met Sharpton last Monday. It pleased me that he weighed 106 lbs and had limited strength in his neck. He gon die soon.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Good

David Duke

GMoney said...

Well, this has been an interesting day for celebrity commenters.

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