|Pictured: Mitt Romney conceding the third debate and the accompanying championship trophy to Obama.|
*Note to anyone in the government reading this: I am not trying to assassinate either candidate. Please don’t send me to some terrorist camp. I’m a good boy.
First things first, I don’t particularly care about this stuff and pretty much everything discussed in the debates is not important to me at all. Not once did either of those two assholes talk about how much Nick Swisher sucks. Second, I don’t care who you vote for and no matter how hard you bully others to vote like you, I don’t want that today. Third, and this is coming from an idiot, it amazes that Mitt Romney is still in this race at all. It just goes to show how much America hates Obama, doesn’t it? I mean, Mitt is a Mormon (worst people in the world), had that 47% fiasco, and uses women as toilet paper (or something) and keeps GAINING momentum. That’s incredible! This man can do no wrong apparently. He is The Terminator! But he did wrong by me…
47% of Americans are worthless turds? BULLSHIT—try 95%, buddy. I respect your honesty and candor on the topic but your numbers are way off. Americans are awful and dumb and most of them should not be allowed to leave the house. In fact, if I was King of America (and it will happen with YOUR financial support—I accept PayPal), I would completely overhaul the voting process. In order to vote, you would need to do two things: step on a scale and bring in your DVR. If you weigh over 300 pounds as a man or 180 as a woman, you can not vote. If your DVR is filled with a bunch of season passes of shows on TLC, get the fuck out. If you pass these qualifications, go punch your hanging chads (timeless voting reference!). I AM AMERICA. Anyway, let’s break down the Presidential Election AKA the Black and White Cookie (which is OVERRATED as a cookie):
*Hair – Paulie Walnuts vs. Don Imus’ nappy-headed ho look…there is a reason why Tony Soprano never let Paulie make ANY decisions on his own--OBAMA
*Vice Presidential Choice – Paul RedHawk vs. Crazy Joe…It was an inspired choice by Kitten Mittens to go to Miami for his running mate. It was also a genius move by Barry O to pick a partner that would guarantee that he would never be assassinated. Can you imagine Joe Biden with the nuclear codes? Terrifying!--PUSH
*Go-to Dance Move – The Charleston or The Fox Trot or some other asshole rich white guy dance vs. The Jersey Turnpike…you know damn well that the Pres likes to grind his throbber into the back of Michelle’s mom jeans.--OBAMA
*Favorite Sports Teams – Obama is very clear with his love for all things Chicago except for the Cubs (understandable). Romney is from Michigan and Massachusetts, too. Those are my two least favorite sports states.--OBAMA
*Religion – Terrorist Muslim Jihad vs. The Book of Mormon…this blog (and my Ryan Clark rant on Sunday) aside, I like to think that I am a pretty tolerant person but I can’t stand Mormons. Give me the suicide bomber; at least they read from a book that isn’t full of Joseph Smith’s diarrhea--OBAMA
*Beverage Preference – Milk vs. St. Ide’s…Mormons don’t drink. And you wonder why I don’t trust them.--OBAMA
*Was one of your relatives mocked on Mad Men – George Romney was ripped on by Henry Francis (husband of Fat Betty)! Don does have a black secretary now!--ROMNEY
*Preferred Leisure Activity – Yachting with Prescott Chattington IV vs. Thugball with LeBron Jame--ROMNEY because he probably hates LeBron
*Favorite Pro Athlete – Derrick Rose/Michael Jordan vs. Jimmer Fredette--OBAMA
*Wife – Ann Romney seems like your typical non-descript trophy wife that never speaks out of turn. I’m a big fan of Michelle Obama. She just seems like a cool chick that enjoys being Jersey Turnpiked--OBAMA
*Celebrity Friends – Clint Eastwood may be insane but he’s still Clint Eastwood. Oprah is a twat--ROMNEY
*Skin – White vs. Black--uhhh, you can decide that one on your own just know that most people (not all, but most) who say that they hate Obama but are not being racist are definitely racist. LET ‘EM LIVE though!
*How much ya bench? – Both of these guys are pussies in the gym. I could kick all their asses at the next Napoleon Lift-a-thon (275 pounds back in 1998!)--NO ONE
*Dream Car – Only peasants drive themselves around vs. 1979 Cadillac Eldorado--ROMNEY
*Favorite Meal – Cornish game hen stuffed with homeless guy meat vs. pig’s feet--ROMNEY
*Most Prized Possession – A White Sox cap autographed by Dr. Dre vs. slaves--OBAMA
Favorite TV Miniseries – Roots vs. Roots--TIE as they enjoyed that for very different reasons
Favorite TV Show – Big Love vs. Sanford and Son. Big Love was the worst show of all time and Red Foxx still is hilarious--OBAMA
So who is the right guy? Fuck if I know. I know that it will be much funnier if Obama gets re-elected. It just amuses me that the same people who hated Bush defend Obama and those that voted Bush in twice loathe the current president. Politics is 100% hypocrisy. No one cares about what is best for America; they just want their own people to be running things (FACT). In case you were unaware, I’ll be voting for the incumbent on Tuesday because I am a liberal pussy hippie that wants to take your guns. Whatever, it’s the way that I was raised and nothing is going to change that. It’s just hard for me to look at Mitt Romney and think, “YES, THIS IS THE GUY WHO WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.” He just gives off too much of a “worthless John Kerry” vibe to me. I'm sure that many of you feel differently and that's fine. But really, I’m basing my vote on the only issue that matters to me…
Read this immediately.
DEAR GOD, PEOPLE, IF YOU VOTE FOR MITT ROMNEY, HE IS GOING TO CHOP OFF YOUR PORN-LOVING BONER AND MAKE GAME OF THRONES TERRIBLE! THIS MONSTER MUST BE STOPPED! IF IT’S ON THE INTERNET, IT HAS TO BE TRUE! Enjoy the final week of this awful election season, everyone, and remember that there are no losers here (except for those that vote for Ron Paul AKA Ron LOLZ). And if this post has still left you undecided, there is no shame in voting for Kodos. Speaking of which, how many people do you think actually write-in “Kodos”? It’s got to be over 100, don’t you think?