Tuesday, November 13, 2012

College Football Week 11

      "In America's future I see me...and 3 more years of my annoying nickname."




One thing before we get started today.  I suggest that for the second annual RibFest that will be thrown in February (I'm assuming) the year of our Lord, 2013 we invite Brady but sit him at a different table and ignore him all night in the same fashion he ignored all of you MoneyShotters this past Saturday.  Justice must be served over a tasty plate of ribs.  Now all we have to do is rope Grumpy into a incredibly stupid bet again so he can front the bill two years in a row.  Let's move on...lotta shit to cover today.

The Good

My ability to ignore Brady's text messages – A good rule of thumb is ignore 99% of the things Brady says. Increase that number to 99.9999999999999% when it's a football Saturday and he's shined up on booze. Brady tried getting in my head from the start on Saturday but I'm much smarter than he is and just ignored his jeers in a boss-like manner. I suggest you all do the same moving forward.

Texas A&M – Not so much for beating Alabama, but more so for shutting the mouths of moronic fuck faces who honestly believe ROLL DAMN TIDE could have beaten an NFL team this year. Go drink my piss, piss out my piss, then re-drink the combination of part my piss, part your piss. And as Damman pointed out to me on Saturday, watching Nick Saban cry like a bitch on the sideline will always brighten the spirits.

Syracuse – This is strictly for proving to the seventeen Louisville fans out there that a Big East team should never be considered to play in the national title game. Now that we're all done laughing at you, you can go back to cheering for your borderline mid-major school in the Sears and Roebuck bowl played on December 24th. PS...get fucked.

The Tard

The crew officiating the Nebraska/Penn State game – Someone should be fired after that blown call at the goal line. For those who didn't see, in the waning minutes of the 4th quarter. Redhead McPennStateQuarterback drove the Nittany KidRapers down the field for the go ahead score. After the tip penetrated (ELITE SEXUAL REFERENCE!) the goal line, the tight end I'm too lazy to Google had the ball knocked away by a defender who I'm definitely not Googling. The ruling on the field was a touch back and after CLEAR evidence was shown that the ball crossed before the fumble, dickwad referee, still blinded by Pelini pole sauce, didn't reverse the call to the correct call thus locking Nebraska in for the win. Tragic loss because of one of the worst calls ever made.

Northwestern's defense – My only regret is that I wasn't able to be within taunting distance of Patricia Fitzgerald when his defense fucking handed Michigan the win on Saturday. Wow. Just fucking wow! They had that game won after that Gardner head scratching pick. Fully and completely. But hey...thanks for the gift.

My iPhone battery – I work in a metal cave. A metal cave that sucks the life out of me slowly and painfully. Imagine Hell...then imagine the place people who are so awful Hell wouldn't take them would go.  If that place had a mail room...that's how I would accurately describe where I work. So when I'm forced to work Saturdays, Michigan football on the radio is all I have to keep me from ending lives prematurely. But we have already established that I work in a metal cave so a standard radio is clearly out of the question. My only option is an Internet radio app I have on my phone that I plug into an iHome. It's a beautiful thing...until my battery dies right before Michigan's improbable comeback and I don't have a charger. It couldn't have happened more perfectly.


The Tardest

USC student manager – In case you haven't heard by now (There's no possible way you haven't) USC's student manager was fired last week for purposely deflating footballs for the Oregon game. First, we know that piss bag Lane Kiffin was behind this but would sell out his own mother before admitting the truth. Because that's what we expect out of a swollen twat like Kiffin. Second, ELITE decision making skills by the student manager not having the seeds to stand up to such a flaming dickbutt like Kiffin. Grow a spine next time...then locate your balls and tell Kiffin to eat his own pussy.

Jalen McClendon – TECHNICALLY he's not a college player...because he's still a Junior in high school. But this site is revolutionary and doesn't restrict itself or allow itself to be held back by minor details so we can bring you things like this fucking hilarious story. This cock waste McClendon doucher was kicked out of a state playoff game for taunting. After scoring a touchdown, he did the Cam Newton “I suck but still do this neato Superman thingy when I score in garbage time” touchdown celebration. In all actuality, he should have been kicked out for imitating a fucking idiotic celebration by a terrible, cry baby faggot. That's the real embarrassing part, I think. Can't wait to see this crotch stain at the next level!

Johnny Football – AWESOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!!! Another stupid fucking nickname for dick sniffing announcers to violently rape every week as if they're the only ones smart enough to use it. It's gonna be the fucking Honey Badger all over again but waaaaaaay more intolerable and overused since this kid's white, likable and doesn't have a sticky icky business on the side. Welcome to the Johnny Football era, everyone. Please leave your sanity at the door and don't forget to fist yourself on the way out.

The Iceman Lock of the Week

If the point of this segment is to pick the team that will lose then I am on fucking FIRE, my friends! Oh well, at least I'm not insisting you put money on these shitty picks like another blogger I know. Let's see if we can keep this losing streak intact and the money safely tucked away in your wallets.

Last Saturday before we got annihilated celebrating a Napoleon Wildcats victory, my brother told me he works with a guy who bet a cool grand that USC would win 9 games this year. Well, I don't want to see that happen because I love it when idiots lose large sums of money. So we'll put on the good 'ol Iceman reverse jinx on and pick USC in a blowout over UCLA. Bonerz Ball Deflaters 38, UCLA 10. LOCK IT UP!

There you go, shit suckers.  It's too bad Ohio was on a bye this week.  It just didn't feel right having a post and not being able to include something ruh-tarded one of you guys said.  There's always next week though!

40 comments:

Grumpy said...

I want a K State/Oregon National Championship. Fuck the SEC.

At Pittsburgh University Medical Center awaiting MRI results. Will check in after I talk to the doctors.

Nate B said...

I learned from this weekend that I would take Texas A&M over the Chiefs on a neutral field.


Interesting to see Ohio State has opened up as a 2.5 dog to Wisconsin.

Grumpy said...

Better yet, on the night of the 2nd Annual Ribfest, invite Brady but send him to the wrong restaurant.

Jeff said...

Damnit! I break Cutler news yesterday and pull a classic jinx on my own quarterback. I apologize, Grump. Keep calm and pray like fucking hell!!


Devon Gardner should have been yo quarterback the whole time. Troof!

Ohio State will be favored by Saturday. Just the sharps buying that line down to jump all over it later this week.

Johnny Football was fun to watch. Amazing how T A&M developed all that SEC speed in less than one year....

There should be a Money shot Christmas (I assume we're all anglo-saxons) party.

Anonymous said...

Braxton Miller

Ide

GMoney said...

I was about to mention that, Nate. HEY JEFF, YOU WERE WRONG! Go look at more cat scans of cat quarterbacks and leave the gambling expertise to the big boys. I can't see myself possibly betting on the Badgers this week.

I like how Brady has morphed into the Milhouse of the comment section.

Bet the under 40.5 last night LIKE A BOSS.

Imagine the ass that Johnny Football has been pulling this fall? Dear Lord, I am so proud of that pimply-faced teen just thinking about that.

TARDEST - Mike Leach. Come on, BRAH, another claim of abusing your players? That's only legal when you do it to Craig James' offspring.

GMoney said...

I assume we're all anglo-saxons

We are not. Asalamalakum, motherfucker.

Anonymous said...

A few months ago G$ said that there was absolutely no chance the Buckeyes would win in Madison this year. Now he says there is no way he could see him himself betting on the Badgers. My oh my have things changed.

I LOVED that Bama/A&M game.

Agree with Grumps....gimme KSU/ORE.

I also LOVED Penn State getting screwed in that game. Other than "Rupp's Rafters" a Kentucky Basketball site...there isn't a more insane group of internet posters than Blue and White Illustrated...the PSU Rivals site. They are CONVINCED and have been for years taht the Big Ten has a conspiracy to make them lose games. Even McGloin was talking like that after that game. That call happening really couldnt' have happened to a better fan base.

That NW secondary was one of the worst I've ever seen...that outcome was very disappointing.

I like Johnny Football.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Someone explain to Drew the concept of time. My change in attitude has very little to do with you and much much more about them.

Plus, I want John Simon to go roid rage or Storm Klein to pretend that Montee Ball is his girlfriend and stop this assault on TDTravis.

Grumpy said...

I'm not Anglo Saxon, but I like parties.

Jeff said...

Where's commenter Daniel when you need to rally the troops?

WASPs unite!

Nate B. said...

Daniel is no WASP.

His penchant for thrift-buying and hook-nose is a dead giveaway to his obvious Jewishness.

The guy does find EXCELLENT deals online though.

Anonymous said...

Someone please explain to G$ the concept of being wrong.

I did see that Montee Ball is threatening to break Prentice's TD record this weekend. That TOTES can't sit well with G$ and Grumps.

--Drew

Congressman Nicholas Brody said...

Take Christmas and shove it up your ass, Jeff. Oh...and fuck the Steelers you Yankee faggot.

GMoney said...

Congressman Brody, why has your smoking hot wife not taken her top off this season? This has me very upset because she is ridic hot. Also, your son might be a tard.

Drew, if Ohio State had any pride at all, they would kill Ball on Saturday to preserve Travis's record. I'll tell you what, I won't say one bad thing about the Fuckeyes the rest of the year (less than two months but still) if you hurt him.

Anonymous said...

That's a deal! I will notify the Buckeye defense.

--Drew

GMoney said...

FYI, you must hurt him before he potentially breaks or even ties the record.

GMoney said...

So is Johnny Football the new Timmy Tenor? I think so. He better not start writing bible verses on his eye strips.

Prime99 said...

But JF is allowed to use Yunel Escobar's eye black strips.

Northwestern is the best at blowing leads.

Chip Kelly at 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in celebration this weekend. Tedford went to SF to troll for tranny hookers (none of whom would fuck him.)

Prime99 said...

At=ate

MuDawgfan said...

The tardest for the remainder of 2012 should begin and end with Auburn. They are fucking terrible and would be a 4th place MAC team.

How'd you like to be the team that plays Alabama this weekend after that loss? Think they might come out aggressive?

My favorite football teams for this week? Baylor and Wake Forest.

Congressman Nicholas Brody said...

She hasn't shown her minor league titties because America doesn't want to see that anymore, G$. Plus she has a weird serpent mouth that creeps a lot of people out. So we try to keep her off camera as much as possible. We want to keep our viewers...not make them sick. Which is why we've never shown Carrie Mathison naked. If, by chance, you DO want to see that...I suggest you hop into a 5th grade boys locker room after gym class. That should give you a good idea.

Anonymous said...

Off topic - I would not be surprised to see Cleveland State win or atleast make it a very good game tonight against MIchigan. Very good CState team.

Fuck Duke.

Pistons still looking like a solid 8 seed, right G$?

Its hilarious how people think that the Steelers season will be over because of the rapist injury. IT WAS OVER WEEKS AGO - YOU ARENT GOOD - with the rapist in, you were losing at halftime to the Chiefs!

Seal

GMoney said...

I am not a fan of Carrie. Thanks for keeping her clothed. Your wife is much hotter. I strenuously object to your description of her.

More Saul Berenson nudity! And please kill Finn Walden. That kid sucks.

Anonymous said...

Sorry tied - but you were down 10-0 and your defense couldnt stop the incredible Matt Cassell.

Seal

GMoney said...

Look at the Steelers schedule and the rest of the AFC...they are going to the playoffs even if Ben misses a few weeks. There is one thing that you have to respect them for: they have a stranglehold on MAC QB depth. I'm sure that Dan LeFevour or Nate Davis are on their speed dial if any more go down.

Pistons are a solid 0-8 seed for sure.

Jeff said...

Any non delusional browns fan could see that the game last night had the making of being closer than the "experts" thought. If the Chiefs were going to get up for one game, this was it. Prime-time Monday night with nothing to lose against your old coach. Plus shitty weather is the equalizer. Still got an ugly W which is all that matters in this league.

Seal,

Your Cleveland sports biased opinion is hilarious (you have Cleveland State nuts in your mouth too).

If the season ended today the Steelers would be in the playoffs.

Mr. Ace said...

Seal, no. Michigan is going to throttle them in unspeakable ways. Cleveland State jst doesn't have the ballers to keep up with Michigan this year. I can see Cleveland State in the tourney, definitely, but they will not be within 20 points of Michigan tonight.

Devin Gardner is the troof...except when safeties are using their invisible cloaks.

I don't care who wins the National Title as long as it isn't an SEC team.

The Iceman said...

Wow...missed a lot here. Even a cameo by a fictional television character.

I stand by my Pistons prediction the same way G$ stands by his Eli statement. 0-8 isn't the end of the world...but it's concerning.

I keep forgetting Seal's never been wrong about anything before. Sheesh! Must be exhausting being right all the time!! I bet his phone is constantly blowing up from people searching for betting advice.

Anonymous said...

My official Homeland theory.

Brody is going to fuck some serious shit up. The terrorists totes know hes a double agent and are stringing him along. Now that the CIA is fucking with his home life and everything else, the big shocker of the season will be when he is an integral part to the attack happening. Oh, in order for this show to be any good, something has to blow up real good.

Finn does need to die, but I wouldn't be upset in watching mini she-Brody die too. In fact, I would welcome that. Snitches get whats coming to them. They always do.

Mrs. Brody got Esquires sexiest girl in the world award this year. Her breasts, presumably, didn't play a part in that. Girl must give excellent beej's.

Ide

Brady said...

-Ice, I was only reminding you of how your fat coach cost MIchigan a shot at Indy this season. If I was a fan of that awful team, I would be screaming for his head from my soapbox right now. That retarded quarterback decision during the Nebraska game must really sting right now. I mean what the fuck! I might even consider Gardner a better option than Denard right now.

/Kills self for talking Michigan football because of OSU ban

-Johnny football has to be the lamest nickname ever. It must have taken all of 2 seconds to come up with that.

Loved how the Steelers pulled another one out of their ass last night. Remember when people thought Cassel was a good quarterback? LOL.

Anonymous said...

Michigan is favored by 15 over Cleveland State. That's a pretty bold call by Seal....we shall see.

The Cavs are tearing it up right now with their 2-5 record.

I think the Pistons will get their first win on Friday against the Magic. So, that would give them a 1-9 start. Plenty of time to make that playoff run!

--Drew

GMoney said...

If I was a fan of that awful team..

AND YOU ARE!!! BEAT BAMA AMIRITE!!!

2-5 > 0-82

Prime99 said...

"I stand by my Pistons prediction the same way G$ stands by his Eli statement. 0-8 isn't the end of the world...but it's concerning."

That's like saying getting HIV isn't the end of the world, but it's concerning.

The Pistons have AIDS.

Anonymous said...

LOLS at the Big East for being kicked out of the AQ conferences in football! They are now on the same level as the Sun Belt and horrible at all times MAC! Fuck ND for still getting their faggoty exemption.

New playoff format is pretty tits though. I dig that OSU will have to play a Pac Ten team to get to the second round each year.

Ide

The Iceman said...

"That's like saying getting HIV isn't the end of the world, but it's concerning."

If Erv the Perv "Magic" Johnson can beat AIDS...so can the Pistons. We just need to inject money into our veins. Is that his secret according to South Park. Not a big South Park guy but I think I saw that episode once.

GMoney said...

New post up on Torg's "blog". Man, he just sounds pathetic now.

Anonymous said...

He will play your birthday party FOR FOOD.

Can you imagine him deejaying a birthday party? HERES MY GUYS STEELY DAN, HAPPY 12th BIRTHDAY JIMMY!

Ide

GMoney said...

Steely Dan sucks. Everyone knows this.

He'll suck your dick for health insurance though.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ...thank you so much G$ for telling me to go read that Torg blog. YIKES. I liked how he's begging people for MC jobs so that he can "put food on the table and get my kids health insurance"....and then he says some bar in Gahanna that he'll be at on Saturday for the Wisconsin game adn that he's going to get drunk and take a taxi home. That was a great read Please keep me updated if he posts more updates.

--Drew