Tuesday, November 06, 2012

College Football Week 10

            "My opinion about the Ohio Buckeys remains the same."  /airwank




Today calls for a celebration, boys (and one occasional girl).  No...not because I'm completely awesome or because Lori died giving birth to a living, breathing sin.  Well, those things SHOULD be celebrated, but not today, cock faces.  Today we celebrate because after today there are no more God Damn political ads.  Holy dreadlocked ballsack hair has this been unfuckingbearable!  This year, especially has been impressively insufferable.  I can't even play a fucking game of Words With Friends without some horse shit political ad raping me in the eyes.  So in remembrance of the biggest shit slinging campaign I can ever remember, I leave you with some political ads that weren't run but might as well have been.

"Back in 2008, Mitt Romney fingerblasted your grandmother and made you smell the fresh twat juice.  Is he right for America?  Only if you like the way grandma's dusty beaver smells."

"Barack Obama tucks his shit between his legs and wears dresses.  Back in 2008 he got drunk at a frat party and sucked 14 dicks before anyone was the wiser.  Do you want a tranny faggot fucking things up for another 4 years?  If you say yes then you love dude mouth on your pole."

"Mitt Romney loves shit.  The smell, the feel and the taste.  He's wrong for America."

"Barack Obama is black.  He smells like shoe polish and won't hesitate to feel up your wife's butthole on the outside of her jeans.  A real leader wouldn't do that."

"Mitt Romney once puked in a sock and hit me in the face with it.  That was one night.  Just imagine what he'll do to you over the next 4 years."

"Barack Obama...did I mention he's black?  Just making sure you're okay with that."

My ads are way fucking better.  I should get hired today!  Onto the footbawwww.

The Good

Alabama's backfield - Unfuckingfair.  These shit sniffers reload every God damn year, don't they?  Where in the holy fucking hell do all these stud running backs come from?  Does Saban have some wide-hipped black woman strapped to a rape stand that just takes whatever former All American football player seed that gets dumped into her?  Like a stud running back factory groomed to ROLL DAMN TIDE from birth?  That sounds logical, right?  It's how I imagine things go down in that area.  It is the Souf, right?  Anyway...at this point it's hard to say who will be better, Lacy or Yeldon.  One thing is undeniable, though.  A.J. McCarron is rat shit.

Anyone who plays Notre Dame - It's going to happen, God dammit.  One of these weeks Brian Kelly will forget to put his rabbit foot Prince Albert back in and the luckiest team in college football will lose.  But in the meantime, how much fun has it been violently cheering for shitbags like Pittsburgh to beat a heavily favored Notre Dame team and watching it almost happen every single week?  I know I look forward to it every Saturday.  College football is better when Notre Dame is losing games.  I fully stand by that statement.  Speaking of Notre Dame haters...

Mark May - I like Mark May.  The Eldest Ice Brother (a known Notre Dame asshole) recently discovered this on Sunday and nearly dropped a nugget in the seam of his shorts.  Why do I like Mark May?  Because he hates the same teams I do and I love it when he successfully gets under their skin.  Which happens every week.  He knows Ohio and Notre Dame's weakness...which is say anything negative about their team.  Then take fucking cover because what follows is a tidal wave of tears and irrational mouth turds in a pathetic attempt to smite the GREAT MARK MAY!  That should stir up some excitement today.

The Tard

Oregon's defense - Okay guys, you can't win a national title playing DickRod defense.  When teams like Washington can hold Bonerz Barkley, Esquire to rags you can't expect the nation to take you seriously when you allow the same boner lover to explode (literally) on your faces.  The only solution is to bring back an enforcer like Legarrette Blount, put him on defense and instruct him to just start punching dudes.  He's always willing to cold cock a couple of white kids for kicks.

Florida - Sweaty Meatball Muschamp and the boys are tough to figure out, man.  One week they're violently ripping out people's genitals and the next they're losing to Missouri for half the game.  I can't talk about this team anymore.  It's making my fucking head spin.

The Tardest

Terrell Williams - I gotta tell you...John L. Smith is the LOLZ king.  There have been 4 players arrested since Smiles Smith took over and his reaction to each one is priceless.  This one was especially hilarious since it came literally hours after the game was over.  ELITE decision making.  I don't know much about this kid and I'm far too lazy to Google a sure fire criminal, so let me take a page out of Ide's book and racially dissect this one.  First, his name is Terrell so by that we can conclude that he's black, has a massive ego, manages money worse than a 6 year old and gets free tattoos in exchange for things like autographs and toothy blow jobs.  Sounds right so far.  Second, since we've already determined he's black, I would guess that his booze of choice was a bottle of Hennessy tucked under the driver's seat that gets slammed from a brown paper bag.  Two for two.  I'm just shocked that the police didn't find the loaded glock in the glove compartment and the bag of reefer stashed in the middle console.  COUNT IT!  But seriously...what a fuckin boob.

The Iceman Lock of the Week

Man, it's brutal out there.  So many games I've lost on last minute drives this year.  The 2-5 record is a bit embarrassing but I'll own up to it (unlike some other blogger would in regards to his hurtful remarks concerning one Trenton Richardson).  Only thing left to do is plow forward and hope for the best.

Iowa State is a known slayer of ranked opponents.  They do a really good job of keeping things close and I haven't seen a game this year where they have been absolutely embarrassed.  I like them this week on the road against a Texas team that CERTAINLY has at least a McCoy or Shipley on the roster.  Don't look...just trust in me that one of those last names appears on the roster.  Iowa State 24 Texas 17.

Let us once again breathe a sigh of relief knowing that today marks the salvation of our sanity.  Now Grumpy can go back to posting things about the Steelers being victims of whatever fucking travesty that has transpired that week on Facebook.  And I can go back to keeping the world abreast on my most recent bowel movement.  Regularity has been restored, America!  Celebrate!  Now all we have to do is put up with brainless posts by crybaby dickwads who voted for the loser.  Bart Scott...can you help me out with this one?  CAN'T WAIT!

49 comments:

Grumpy said...

I still would rather watch Oregon than Alabama.

Anonymous said...

You should be in Indiana.

"Richard Murdock rapes everyone in your family every day."

"Joe Donnelly fellates Barack Obama 24 hours a day."

GMoney said...

I have not read this award-winning post yet but I have to say this:

RIP my undefeated DFL season. It was going to take a miracle to beat me and apparently that means that my opponent would be rewarded for being the only one in America that owns and starts the Saints Defense. They outscored Brees somehow. I lost. 8-1. This will galvanize my team and re-focus them. The title will always be mine.

Who the fuck starts Saints Defense! Fucking Moden.

GMoney said...

Mark May is an American treasure. ELITE college football troll AND former Redskin! His resume is better than yours.

I almost shit a poop after the sick Bama win when Musberger and Herbie were calling McCarron Joe Namath and talking about his Heisman candidacy. BULLSHIT. Dude is good...so was Ken Dorsey. That doesn't make him ELITE.

Tardest - Lester Miles. His trick plays and 4th down failures will never stop being amusing.

Iceman, you glossed over the one thing that I wanted to read from you today: so Devin Gardner was good enough this week but not last week? The DG that played on Saturday could have won in Nebraska and then you would not be irrelevant like you are right now. Explain Hoke, dammit!

I like Ball State +7.5 tonight at Toledo who has spent the last few days smelling their 23rd ranked farts.

FYI, the MAC Election night game has successfully predicted the last two presidents with the RedHawks bringing Bush back to power in 2004 and Buffalo Blue winning for the black guy in 2008. I expect Toledo and/or Ball State to carry on the tradition this evening.

Ignore Grumpy's comment as he is trying to steal my thunder for tomorrow's post.

I admit to rooting FOR Notre Dame on Saturday. There, I said it. I want their hopes and dreams to be crushed by someone less gay than Pitt.

Anonymous said...

Fat Urkel (Mark May) is a dumb faggot.

I was rooting for LSU against Alabama...but, whatever. Great game to watch....much better than last year's game.

On the play where Pitt missed the gamewinning field goal....ND had two players with the same number on the field. Both the refs and the Pitt coaches missed this. I was TOTES rooting for Pitt and was very disappointed when they lost.

Sparty got fucked in that game against Nebraska, but they also collapsed...so whatevs.

The Buckeyes remain undefeated and will not lose this weekend either. Any thoughts on Jeff's prediction at the Out-R-Inn that Urban will start off at minimum 30-0?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Braxton Miller

Ide

GMoney said...

Jeff is a Steelers fan so his opinion means nothing to everyone. There is no way that Urban stays unbeaten after that landmine-laden non-con next year of SDSU, Cal, Buffalo, and Florida A&M. Look out for the Rattlers--that might be an all-black college.

TOUGH SCHEDULEZ!!!

The Iceman said...

I can't talk about the Nebraska debacle anymore, G$. It hurts my soul and was deliberately left out this week. I don't think anyone will ever have a suitable answer as to why Gardner didn't take a single snap in that Nebraska game.

I can't wait for Brady to show up and attempt to justify that GAUNTLET of a schedule G$ just threw down. Here...I'll get him stared.

"Cal plays in a major conference and we scheduled that game a billion years ago. It's not our fault they suck now. THEY DID NOT HOLD UP THEIR END OF THE BARGAIN!! Plus Cal is actually sneaky good. San Diego State was picked as a preseason at large bowl contender, Buffalo had James Starks playing for them 2 years ago and Florida A&M is in FLORIDA! Just being in that state means they are better than your average mid-major!!"

Prime99 said...

Nevada-Reno didn't think beating Cal in its new stadium home opener was that big of a deal. Beating Cal in Ohio in a competitive game is borderline embarrassing.

What I'm saying is that Cal is awful. They lick shit sticks for breakfast.

Grumpy said...

Jeff's opinion means something to me.

You cannot go to the bathroom during an Oregon game, they will score.

I could almost hear Iceman scream when Jackson caught the TD pass. I'm one running back short of being a factor.

Anonymous said...

Buckeye fans don't need to defend themselves on scheduling after past years. Also, SDSU was supposed to be @Vanderbilt.....but, the SEC paid OSU a buyout to get Vandy out of it just a couple weeks ago...which left OSU scrambling and with SDSU. Buffalo is your traditional terrible MAC school, which we are luckily six years away from being done with.

I really wish we still had the @Vanderbilt game...fuckin' pussies.

Braxton 4 Heisman

OSU 4 AP National Champions

--Drew

GMoney said...

Yes, that would have opened the voter's eyes...beating the 11th best SEC team.

Iceman's Brady impression is terrific.

I would rather take a dump than watch every Oregon possession. Grumpy just admitted to shitting his pants in the name of Kenjon Barner.

If we get our dream scenario of a 7-6 or whatever Indiana team in the Rose Bowl, they absolutely have to beat Wisconsin this week. They are 6.5 point home dogs. Anyone like them? I kind of do. DEFEND THE ROCK!

nate b said...

Is it too early to predict new coaching hires?

Arkansas- Charlie "darkness" strong

Kentucky- Sonny dykes

Tennessee- kirby smart

Cal- gus malzahn ( surprised nobody has mentioned his success with arky state)

Auburn- paul rhoads (second Iowa state coach is a charm)

Grumpy said...

I love Barner and they're doing it with a redshirt Freshman QB.

Grumpy said...

Willie Taggart to Kentucky. Book it. Lance Guidry as DC.

GMoney said...

It is too early because I kind of wanted to tie that in with my post tomorrow.

CAVS CRUSH CLIPPERS BEHIND ELITE DION WAITERS. SUCK DICK ALL.

Brady said...

Of course you like Mark May, dickhead. Who wouldn't like a high pitched talking, fart-sniffing meatball that gets on his ESPN soapbox to yell al the Big Ten every week. Did you forget that Michigan plays in this league as well?

He has actually laid off the Buckeyes a little this year. My guess: Urban Meyer. I'm pretty sure he is a little scared of him (rightly so) and has laid off the hate for awhile. The buckeyes are definitely flawed but 10-0 is 10-0 dickwad.

I guess Texas, Oklahoma, and Virginia Tech are all cupcakes. This schedule arguement is so tired. Everyone plays small schools right now.

Anonymous said...

Hey G$...You got a link to where Vandy is the 11th best SEC team? I just looked and they ahve a better record than 6 SEC teams. So, if you have a link where you can show that they have 17 teams in the SEC please share. GET FUCKED BRAH. Love when you make up stats.

So, one of the guys in my fantasy basketball league was in Hong Kong last week interviewing for a job. He took a piece of paper...with everyone else in the league team's names on it...and gave it to some woman who does the ancient art of "villain hitting". Basically she sang for five minutes...hit this piece of paper with a shoe a bunch of times and then lit it on fire. This was done to set curses on all of our teams. He even posted pictures of him getting this done. It's one of the most ELITE fantasy sports moves ever.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

That is an ELITE move.

The schedule argument is so tired. The SEC won't travel for non con games, and basically shies away from any team that has ever been ranked. Picking on OSU for an off year during a coaching change that wasn't predicted is pretty weak. The fact that OSU has been the only school to come out and say "fuck it, from now on, BCS schools only", should really hush all criticism on the matter.

Go back to hating our loss column.

Ide

GMoney said...

Historically, Vanderbilt and Kentucky are the two most pathetic football programs in the SEC. Can we agree on that? That is mos def not a made up stat.

Your schedule is a tired issue. I agree. Start playing teams that are even close to average and it wouldn't be discussed. Like I said, I will believe this "BCS only" manure when the games are actually played.

Brady said...

That is the best fantasy move ever, Drew. I'm pretty impressed.

Ide speaks the Truf. Ohio St. has tried to schedule SEC teams for years but they don't want to come play in the cold. Awwww, real football weather is too much for the mighty SEC. When was the last time you saw Florida, Bama or LSU come north of the Mason Dixon line to play? I can't think of one instance in the last few years.

If the Big Ten was going to be down, this was the year for it to happen. Obviously OSU can't be hurt from the shit the conference has produced this season. If they were eligible, I would be screaming bloody murder but there would be no real arguement to put OSU in the title game when strength of schedule is factored in. Flawed system produces flawed results.

That four team playoff can't get here fast enough. More teams should be included but at least it's a start.

GMoney said...

The SEC schools don't need to beef up their schedule like Big Ten schools do. There's a big difference and you don't seem to get it. Why would they go NORF at all when they clearly don't have to?

I can tell you one thing; since Jeff has you penciled in for 30-0, you better hope that there aren't 2 undefeated teams with you because Urban will be left out of the title next year.

Anonymous said...

Brady...Bama played @PSU a couple years ago...they also are playing @MSU in a few years (doubt they are scared by that tho). Florida and LSU absolutely do not go anywhere above Kentucky.

The only good thing about ND going undefeated this year is that it looks like they would get shut out...and that would be hilarious.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$ is so dumb. IF the Buckeyes go undefeated this year...we will be # 2 or # 3 PRESEASON next year. If you add another undefeated regular season...plus B1G Championship win...so, that Urban would then be 25-0...they are TOTES going to be in the national championship game.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I do agree ND going undefeated to then get shut out of the championship would be outstanding and hilarious.

Brady said...

Good call, Drew. Forgot about that Bama trip to PSU. I'll change my arguement to the VAST majority of SEC schools don't travel.

A 25-0 Urban Meyer team is definitely going to the title game. No question. I'm personally hoping there are 4 undefeated teams this season. The more BCS mayhem the better.

Anonymous said...

"Start playing teams that are even close to average and it wouldn't be discussed."

Forgetting that Miami home and home (it was scheduled during the ELITE abortion days), that happened all they way back to last season, you have a point. Virginia Tech (omg, could G$ and Iceman cheer for an OSU victory over Tom Turkey?!), who are perennially ranked (overrated, but still) and UNC (scheduled pre sanctions) on the slate followed by that BCS plan. Yeah, douching on the year we only play Cal and the mighty UM(OH) makes sense.

Another point, even though it's brow beating to an extent, is that just because we have been consistently top tier the past decade plus (minus last year, obvz), is it wrong that we schedule teams and expect the same from them? I can't give Gene Smiff credit that he has the foresight to schedule teams that fall off from being good just in time to play us. I don't give him credit for anything. He is black.

I want nothing more than ND to go undefeated and left out, then lose in the bowl game so OSU can go past them en route to our AP CHAMPIONSHIP.

Ide

Grumpy said...

The best days are when G$ speaks the truth and all the Ohio A&M fans can't handle it.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy...the best days are when you little MAC guys talk about big important things like the BCS/National Title games and you have no idea what you are talking about because they are things not relevant to your programs.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The non conference games of the Top 5 BCS teams, minus ND, are packed with top tier teams like Colorado, Buffalo, Georgia Souf, and Michigan. The last of which was the only (falsely) ranked team any of the top teams played out of conference. Real grindhouse there. How any of those teams were able to pull out 70-14 games against such talent is one of the biggest conundrums of modern day sports.

Grump giving G$ a cyber blowjob is funny because everyone knows Steeler fans have at least herpes. Enjoy that G$!

Ide

GMoney said...

It's impossible to look ahead to next year unless you are Jeff but IN MY PERSONAL OPINION if SEC Team A and Big 12 Team B both go undefeated next year, they get the nod over walking penis Urban and his LOL SOS.

We can cry about how terrible your non-con is forever but the real problem is the fact that the Big Ten is garbage and will be for awhile.

Unrelated but I it was not mentioned yesterday:
How about Merle, even in a zombie apocalypse, holding on to tradition and not wanting a woman to play Augusta National? ELITE.

The Iceman said...

Brady should actually change his argument to, "I'll just spew diarrhea about my football team and fictional SEC tendencies and pass them off as truth until someone calls me on it. Then I'll reformulate to try and regain what little credibility I had to begin with."

When it comes to anything sports related...I trust Brady less than I trust my farts post Saturday night blackouts.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...that's why I was FACT CHECKING both G$ and Brady today.

Michigan just agreed to a home and home with Arkansas in 18/19.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Just saw one of my CA FB friends is calling OH for the next three hours reminding people to vote (for Obama.) Debating messaging him G$ and Iceman's numbers...

Anonymous said...

I'M STILL HERE...I STILL WANT TO PLAY TODAY...WHERE ARE THE MONEY SHOTTERS?!?!

--Drew

Brady said...

Iceman will do and say ANYTHING to deflect attention away from his terrible football team.



Mr. Ace said...

HEY DREW, TOLEDO IS STILL THE BEST TEAM IN OHIO. SUCK MY ROCKET.

GMoney said...

You didn't fact check me. Vanderbilt always sucks.

GMoney said...

Here's a FACT for you:

The MAC has more non-con wins over BCS teams than the ACC, Big East, and BIG TEN. BETTER!

The Iceman said...

Brady will do anything to try to sound like he knows what he's talking about when actually he's just blinded by Urb peen juice. Just know that the Conference USA is and always will be ELITE. That's why Ohio schedules from that conference. Really beefs up the respect factor.

Anonymous said...

Fact Check on Ape : Absolutely nowhere other than Ape's post does anyone consider Toledo better than OSU. Verdict: LIE

Fact Check on G$: Looked at standings again..Vanderbilt is still not the 11th best team in the SEC. Verdict: LIE

Fact Check on G$: No idea if his fact is correct, but he is TOTES trying hard to display conference pride. Verdict: HYPOCRITE

Fact Check on Iceman: No clue if Brady is blinded by Urban's penis juice. Verdict: TOO CLOSE TO CALL

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Too close to call was pretty funny, Drew.

GMoney said...

Nope just showing your that URB IS DUCKING THE MAC LIKE A BITCH BECAUSE WE ARE A MAJOR CONFERENCE! FACT?

It is true.

Vanderbilt is one of the worst BCS programs in the country. They would have given you zero bump in SOS.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ. G$ has no idea how the system even works. Just go away today...yes from your own blog...you are looking foolish with the "zeor bump in SOS" over San Diego State. Time for a nap G$.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Somebody say nap?

Anonymous said...

LOLZ...FACT: Vanderbilt is currently # 37 in this year's BCS rankings. What an awful away game that would be...to play the # 37th best team in the country. Yeah, that wouldn't help at all.

Haven't broke this out in a while...but, it really fits you for today....YOU ARE SO DUMB....SO DUMB FOR REAL.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Jay Cutler, Earl Bennett, and DJ Moore went to Vandy! ELITE program!!!

Brady said...

FACT: Out of the top ten teams besides Notre Dame, OSU is the only to schedule all FBS opponents this season.

I'm not blinded by Urban's peen juice. Let's call it a win for me!

Fact: Drew's FACT checking made me LOLZ

GMoney said...

Prime just proved how awful Vandy is. Thanks. I win. Like always because I am neither a homer, a homo, or a homer homo like Drew.