Wednesday, October 31, 2012

G$ and The Iceman Play "Just The Tip-Off"

David Stern's replacement is David Stern's Penis.
Eat shit, haters, because the NBA tipped off last night! Did the Cavs start the season with a victory? PROBABLY! Before Iceman and I get into our season predictions, allow me a minute to talk about that shocking and huge trade of James Harden on Saturday. First of all, the timing is more than just a tad odd. Second, I’m glad that Houston shit on their fans to restock the cupboards with Omer Asik, Zipperhead McGee, and The Beard. Third, I LOVE this trade for OKC. Don’t get me wrong, Harden is a very good player. But he isn’t great and he isn’t worth max money to them (or anyone really). He is a wonderful complimentary player but he is not a superstar. OKC already has two of those and the potential third was going to be a grouch all season. So flip him for Kevin Martin (an underrated player), Jeremy Lamb (future stud), and a GUARANTEED lottery pick next year (with another first and second also in the mix). That sounds like a winning trade for the Thunder to me. Sure, they may not be as good in the regular season this year but who cares? It’s not like they are going to miss the playoffs without Harden. In fact, they might even be better now if Lamb can contribute in the spring. Anyway, here are Iceman and I’s picks for the 2012-13 season (they aren’t labeled but know that Ice's predictions come first):

Most Overrated Team
East - Boston Celtics - This team is older than Grumpy's saggy, wrinkly nut skin. I don't think the rookies they drafted can contribute right away or period, Paul Pierce is a faggot and Jeff Green will probably have 10 heart attacks by the All-Star break.
West - Los Angeles Lakers - Kobe's already hurt, Nash is a billion years old, Gasol is a raging gash and Howard is a whiny twat. But sure...there's NO WAY this won't work. Especially with Mike Brown and his hot dog neck coaching in LA.
East – Chicago Bulls – Iceman says that D-Rose could be out until well into the second half of the season. This team will be lucky to make the playoffs (although if they get there, no one will want to play them).
West – LA Clippers – They are still coached by Vinny Del Black, correct? Yeah, I can’t take them seriously.

Most Underrated Team
East - Philadelphia 76ers - Yes. They have Andrew Bynum now. Yes. I'm a known Bynum hater. But if he can stay healthy and sane (I know...two HUGE ifs) this team has enough talent to surprise a lot of people now that Iron Jaw Iguodala isn't chewing holes in the floor boards of the Wells Fargo Center anymore.
West - Golden State Warriors - This pick hinges strictly on whether or not this team can stay healthy. Bogut (Iceman doppelganger) gets hurt more than Drew dreams about motor-boating Fat Stafford's creamy dude beefers. Unfortunately this team needs him to compete.
East – Atlanta Hawks – I like the way that this team was torn down and then built back up seemingly overnight. As long as Horford and SMIFF stay healthy, they are going to turn some heads this year (in front of 3000 fans per night).
West – San Antonio Spurs – Every year we all expect them to break down for good. Every year they prove us wrong. It may feel like a cop out to put the Spurs as my underrated team but I don’t think that anyone else in the West really fits this criteria.

Breakout Player
DeMarcus Cousins - Hoooo boy, is this a leap of faith. Cousins started putting it together last year and began realizing that no one can guard him as long as he comes to play every day. Let's hope the voices in his head don't convince him to jump into the stands and start lighting people on fire...because THAT would be counterproductive.
Lou Williams – Now that he is out from the Jrue, Iggy, and Turner shadow and with the Hawks, I expect a MONSTER year from one of the most underrated players in the league. You know what; he’s going to be an All-Star this year. COUNT IT.

3 Bold Predictions
1. The Boston Celtics miss the playoffs. This team is fucking toast. The East is getting better and the Celtics are getting more silver in the bush.
2. The Detroit Pistons make the playoffs AND win a series. It says bold, right?
3. Anderson Varejao realizes the "no flopping rule" makes him a bottom 200 player in the league and he goes back to doing photo shoots while being the sparkle of affection in the eye of all homosexual Brazilian men.

1. Jeremy Lin will end the season as the worst statistical player in the league. He never was any good. There, I said it.
2. James Harden as a #1 will be a huge mistake.
3. David Stern will get rid of that new dumb flopping rule immediately after he realizes that the biggest floppers in the league are also the best players in the league (LeBron is the biggest flopper in league history not name Vlade…FACT).

Chris Paul - Before Sexual White Chocolate Kevin Love broke his hand I was tempted to go all in and ask him if he wanted to get an apartment together. But since K-Love will have an uphill batter upon returning I'm going with Chris Paul. Clippers are doing big things this year and Paul is the reason.
LeBron James – The smart money is on Luke Harangody but I’m going to go out on a limb and give the award to the best player in the league.

Rookie of the Year (not named Anthony Davis)
Damian Lillard - Portland. Lillard doesn't have Ray Felton's chubby thighs looming in his rearview mirror after Portland shipped his tubby ass to New York. Plus all reports I've seen from the preseason suggest Lillard's already playing like a 3 year vet. I like the potential here on a team with a lot of talent.
Dion Waiters – Cleveland. Hear me out. I still don’t care much for this pick but that was a long time ago and I need to move on. I think that Dion will end up averaging 15+ per game (although in an extremely inefficient manner) simply because who else on that team is going to chuck Jamison’s 20 missed jumpers per game? For the record, it sounds like Andre Drummond was a goddamn animal in the preseason so maybe he is a good pick here as well.  THERE!  I WENT WITH BOTH TURDS!

All-NBA Team
PG - Chris Paul SG - Kobe Bryant SF - Kevin Durant PF - LeBron James C - Kevin Love
Guards – CP3 and Kyrie; Forwards – Durant and LeBron; C – Anthony Davis

The Worst Team in the League (other than Charlotte)
Orlando Magic - EASILY Orlando. Listen. When Jameer Nelson is your best player 82 games will feel like 482 games. They're starting 4 guys that would get 20 minutes off the bench on just about any other team in the NBA. This roster is muddy shit from top to bottom. Really makes you realize just how valuable Smiles McElbows was.
Phoenix Suns – When your best player is Jared Dudley or Marcin Gortat (probably), you are fucking terrible.

Sleeper Fantasy Player (different than Breakout Player)
Goran Dragic - PG is absurdly deep in fantasy this year. And I felt first hand the anal destruction Dragic is capable of when he grabbed Houston's starting PG spot by the haunches last year. Dragic is in Phoenix now with I think Brady and Ide as his only competition for minutes. There's first round production here that you can snag in the 3rd or 4th round.
Ersan Ilyasova – This communist bastard might be my favorite player in the league and I hope that his new contract doesn’t change the way he plays. He does EVERYTHING that you would want a fantasy basketball player to do. He’ll get you a double/double, can pass, and shoots efficiently. Ilyasova is a stud.

Rank the Playoff Seeds (no explanation necessary)
East: 1. Miami 2. Indiana 3. Philadelphia 4. Chicago 5. Brooklyn 6. New York 7. Detroit 8. Washington
West: 1. OKC 2. LA Clippers 3. San Antonio 4. Memphis 5. LA Lakers 6. Golden State 7. Denver 8. Portland
East: 1. Miami 2. Indiana 3. Brooklyn 4. Boston 5. Philadelphia 6. Atlanta 7. New York 8. Chicago
West: 1. San Antonio 2. OKC 3. LA Lakers 4. Denver 5. Memphis 6. LA Clippers 7. Minnesota 8. Dallas

What do you expect from your Pistons/Cavs this season (with record)
Detroit: First, I expect them to be fucking watchable. It's been far too long since I've been able to enjoy a Pistons game that's still competitive deep into the 4th quarter. Second, I expect them to do something about Chaz Villanueva. And by something I mean anything besides issueing him a game day jersey. Cut him, trade him, slice him up into tiny pieces and mail his parts to different parts of the country. I don't fucking care as long as this Uncle Fester looking dick cheese doesn't see the floor. Finally, I expect playoffs. 43-39 should just about do it.

Cleveland: I like the make-up and overhaul of the Cavs roster. Don’t get me wrong, they still aren’t close to competing in a much better Eastern conference this year, but they should be more competitive this year (barring injuries of course). Kyrie is a stud and he and Andy have a dynamite pick and roll game. I don’t think that they will play any defense whatsoever though. It would be nice if Andy could stay healthy all year and maybe draw huge interest at the trade deadline. I see the Cavs winning 33 or 34 games this year and planting themselves firmly in the lottery again. I’ll go with 33-49.

NBA Champion
Ice: Heat over Clippers
G$: Heat over Lakers

Well, we both like the Heat to repeat over a team from LA. That should come as no surprise. Before I go and leave you to talk pro hoops all day, here is a funny story that I never knew until I started reading a book about Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point game: he shot his free throws granny-style. HILARIOUS.


Grumpy said...

Rick Barry.

GMoney said...

There is no chance in Hell that the Celtics miss the playoffs this year. Iceman is just absurdly biased. I say this because I have an irrational love for Jason Terry.

The Cavs looked pretty solid last night. The second unit is garbage due entirely to Luke Walton but the starting five looked legit. You know that Walton is awful when I'm openly demanding Omri Casspi in his place (or as Ahmad the idiot announcer guy called him during introductions AMARE CASSPI).

Did I bet the Cavs -6 last night. To quote Colonel Nathan Jessup, "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID"!

Anderson Varejao 9/23/9...NO BIG DEAL.

Jeff said...

Weren't the Wizards missing John Wall and Nene? Nice warmup against the Wiz JV squad.

Sullinger 2(Dunk)/1/ 8 mins...NO BIG DEAL

Apparently the LAKEshow was good.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, there is no way in hell that the Celtics miss the playoffs. I actually kind of like their team this year. Terry and Courtney Lee were solid adds...and they'll get Avery back at some point. Plus, they LOVE Sullinger so he may be an asset if that fake back injury holds.

That Dion Waiters didn't look as tubby as I thought he would.

I didn't liek that trade by OKC. They should have kept that core group together. Kevin Martin is made of glass as well, so I wouldn't count on him being around by the playoffs.

I didn't watch the 2nd half of the Lakers game last night...but, in that first half...oh boy...that Gasol/Howard combo is gonna be something. Did anyone see what Nash wore into the arena last night? He looked like a retarded was an all pink outfit and he was carrying a little purse. It was very weird, for someone that I think seems pretty cool.

Agree on the 76ers being underrated.

I like Demarcus a lot as a breakout player...assuming he doesn't do anything to get like a 50 game suspension.

Iceman's definitely a tad more bullish on the Pistons than I am. I'd be pretty pleasantly surprised if they just make the playoffs.

Lakers over Heat in the Finals. The BIGS on the Lakers will cause too many problems.


Anonymous said...

Im not even done reading the post yet and had to comment on another one of Icemans stupid preditions... Andy being a bottom 200 player? Hahaha ok if bottom 200 players open the season with 9pts 9assists and 22rebounds! Lick his brazilian taint.


Anonymous said...

Get Iceman the fuck out of here....

Celtics missing the playoffs? Lakers being the most overrated team in the league? and the Pistons getting a 7 seed?


The Celtics could bench Pierce and still make the playoffs.

Your Lakers prediction is just fucking absurd. How old is Dwight? Kobe wins. Nash could be 70 and still drop 18 assists a night when you have Howard and Gasol in the middle.

You Detroit fans are hilarious. Atleast we are realistic in Cleveland and know we arent going to be good (until next year - one more lottery pick away).


GMoney said...

Seal, the ironic thing about that is Iceman was all pumped about Andy's MONSTER game because he has him on his fantasy team! He knows that ANDY IS SICK! He just hates.

What do you expect from someone who thinks that the Detroit Pistons are going to win a playoff series this year!

Dion Waiters definitely did not appear to be a chubtard like he was in the summer. I like him (I think). He seems like one of those Simmons-esque "Irrational Confidence" Guys.

Yep, Jeff. No Wall. No Nene. NO PROBLEM! Bradley Beal? Not an ELITE debut.

As a well known KG H8R, I have to give him DAP for freezing out Ray Allen last night. That was some awesome baby behavior.

The timing of that Harden deal is odd but I still think it's a good one for the Thunder (especially for the future with those GUARANTEED lottery picks from Houston). Plus, they got rid of Daequan Cook who has already played for every team in the league.

Anonymous said...

Slow I said...I don't agree with Iceman's opinion on Detroit, but most # 7 seeds in the Eastern Conference are not "good" teams. You basically just have to be a couple games above "mediocre". Both, the Cavs and Pistons could potentially have a "mediocre" year.


The Iceman said...

Okay Seal. Let's touch on a few things here. First, this comment:

" Andy being a bottom 200 player? Hahaha ok if bottom 200 players open the season with 9pts 9assists and 22rebounds! Lick his brazilian taint."

Clearly the bold prediction I made in the column was a joke. You should know that by my suggestion that a 27 year old player making double digit millions retires in his prime. Good catch on that one, dip shit.

Second, we said BOLD predictions, right? Would you rather me say (in my best Seal girl voice) "Kyrie Irving will be an AllStar this year" or "Greg Monroe will average 8 rebounds a game." You probably sat there drooling and nodding for the preseason college football posts when all the Buckeye knuckle draggers picked Braxton Miller on every bold prediction.

And nice showing by the NOT OVERRATED Lakers last night. Way to lose at home to Jim Carrey and the "We have an entirely new roster and our best player is out" Dallas Mavericks. I can see why Drew treats you like a child every day.

Anonymous said...

And I can see why you have made all of your friends on a blog...


The Iceman said...

As far as the Pistons prediction, Drew said it perfectly. The Pistons or the Cavs could easily be the 7th or 8th playoff team this year. SEE THAT? I said your Cavs could make the playoffs too!!

G$..clearly I'm able to put my massive hatred towards Varetwat aside if it means I can abuse his services for money. It makes it even sweeter knowing the fantasy league I'm in has two Cavs fans and neither one can have him because of a Pistons fan. It was a tactical move.

Rondo is a cunt and KG is a fucking cunty twat. I agree with nothing either of them do, ever. Even if they saved a baby from a house fire I would find a way to criticize them.

Anonymous said...

"As far as the Pistons prediction, Drew said it perfectly. The Pistons or the Cavs could easily be the 7th or 8th playoff team this year. SEE THAT? I said your Cavs could make the playoffs too!!"

You didnt say that idiot - you just said "Drew said it perfectly".

Get off Drew's nuts.


Jeff said...

Basketball season means Drew and Iceman sign a peace treaty? That is very unfortunate and just another reason we should all hate NBA talk around these parts.

I wish my professional winter sport was playing...LETS GO JACKETS!!!

I might have to pick an NBA team to follow this year. That probably won't happen.

What team has the most white players that play? They will be MY TEAM!!

GMoney said...

The Cavs have zero chance of making the playoffs. I know that all of you Pistons fans are rooting for us to succeed and get back to being better than you again, but it won't be this year.

Way to completely overreact to one Lakers game, Ice. I'm pretty sure that they will be just fine even with Mike Brown Stains.

There are a lot of good nuggets of info here today. Drink it in, people, because insider info doesn't get any better than this. You probably didn't even know that Ersan Ilyasova was a real thing!

GMoney said...

Jeff: Minnesota is getting called out in the media for having TOO MANY WHITES on their team as if they are doing it to get fans to like them. Swear to God this is true. Plus, you can root for K-Love and Ricky goddamn Rubio!

Then it is settled: Jeff is now a Minnesota Timberwolves fan.

Grumpy said...

Jeff, the Timberwolves are 66% white.

Jesse Jackson said...

The timberwolves are 66% white!? Dats ray-cist!

Prime99 said...

Majority white in the NBA is crazy. Not since the Kings team containing Peja, Vlade, Hedo, and Doug Christie (he was basically white) has a team been as white as the TWolves.

The Bulls will make the playoffs. Thibs will then get Rose back and play him 43 minutes a game immediately.

The Iceman said...

Me and Drew's NBA alliance is geared more towards dealing with Seal being an insufferable twat than anything else.

You've seen the way Mike Brown handles one alpha male, G$. Wasn't pretty. How is he going to handle two alphas on the same team? Shit is going to be bad in LA this year.

I have Ilyasova on my fantasy team so I hope you're right.

I love how I'm a dumbass for picking the Celtics to miss the playoffs but it's perfectly acceptable in Seal's eyes for G$ picking Chicago to possibly miss the playoffs. Who's on who's nuts? Just make sure you swallow G$'s seed, Seal. I've been told he sees it as a sign of disrespect if you spit it out.

Nate B. said...

I'm not a big hockey fan, but honestly, if CBJ sported an all-black hockey team, I'd pay to watch.

Jeff said...

Yes, the TWOLVES are MY TEAM!!! I should probably look to see when they visit the Q so I can go support my white brethren!

The Torg said...

Nate b- I'm sure there's already a circus out there that features monkeys on skates. Not sure if they're trained to play hockey or not.

Nate B. said...


Glad to see G$ opened up his wallet to bring in quality racism.

Brady said...

I'm making a concerted effort to watch more basketball this season. Why? So I can join the fun on this here blog. I'm not sure how long it will last but I'm giving it my best shot! If nothing else, I want to have the facts to prove Iceman wrong (which happens daily).

I watched the Cavs last night until the third quarter because of a DVR conflict. Here's what I know. Kyrie is sick, Waiters seems uncoordinated but talented and Andy's firework dreads have reached new heights this season.

GMoney said...

That's not Torg because the grammar is correct. Terrible impression!

Let me make this simple and clear: The Bulls are FAR more likely to miss the playoffs than the Celtics.

Here's a thinker for you: The Hawks are better without Joe Johnson while the Nets are much better with Joe Johnson. Joey J submarined one roster while infinitely improving another. FACT?

Seal and I will beat the tar out of Drew and Iceman any day of the week/twice on Sunday.

The Money Shot breaks down the Presidential Election tomorrow. Stay tuned for that. I only remembered about that post because of the "monkey on skates" line so you know that it will be good and racist.

Anonymous said...

Jeff....make sure to wear your proper TWolves Klan attire to the game.

I still want to know why Slow Seal thinks being a 7 seed means that a team is "good". That just must be from years of being a Cleveland fan.

No mention of Paul "Boy" George in the underrated Fantasy category. Dude is going to crack the top 20 of fantasy this year.


Brady said...

I just saw the pic of Steve Nash last night. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I get that NBA dudes like to dress over the top but there is no way Nash should've left the house like that. He looks like Gordon Gee's lesbian daughter.

GMoney said...

Brady, "Gordon Gee's lesbian daughter" is the best thing that you've ever said here. Big day for you!

Drew, doesn't everyone already know about Paul George being a stud? I already did and I BLOW at fantasy hoops (drafted Kyrie #5 overall!).

Here's something to chew on:
Sons of Anarchy is the worst show that you and I watch. FACT. It's like they switched places with The Walking Dead about a year ago.

The Iceman said...

If the season ended today the Celtics and the Lakers would both miss the playoffs. Seal wanted me to let everyone know.

Stop throwing Joe Johnson puzzles at me!

That's all we need. Brady being a complete fucktard homer with yet another Cleveland sports team.

Grumpy said...

"You better get used to living in a brothel with hookers and bangers 'cause that's the only family you'll have"

GMoney said...

Grump, the acting and the writing and the dialogue are all awful now. The story also makes no sense. Everyone knows that Clay is a cocksucker and has killed club members. What more proof do you need???

Anonymous said...

I thought that I brought quality racism to this blog. I must need to step my game up.

Sons of Anarchy happened to jump the shark after episode 3 this season. Now, it's nothing more than a rehash of Gemma is a bad mom and shit will happen to the kids. I know that I tune into a motorcycle soap opera to watch two women cat fight each week.


Prime99 said...

Steve Nash looked like a zombie from Walking Dead while in uniform. I missed his off court attire, but Brady's description gives me a great idea of what Mr. Canada was wearing.

GMoney said...

Ide, you'll enjoy tomorrow. I expect everyone to come up with at least one quality joke about both presidential candidates. I am giving you homework.

Brady said...

SOA lost me a long time ago. I liked the show better when the Nazi's were in town.

If you guys haven't given American Horror Story a chance yet, I highly recommend getting into it this season. Last year was pretty wild and got too convoluted toward the end. I think this season is setting up to be much better. Adam Levine had his arm ripped off and was stabbed to death by the dude they call "bloody face". If that's not a ringing endorsement for the show, I don't know what is.

GMoney said...

You had me at Adam Levine getting his arm ripped off. But I watch it anyway. It's a wild show, no doubt about that.

Grumpy said...

I'm not ready to give up on SOA yet; the story line with Pope could still get interesting.

The one thing that's bothered me from its' inception is how many hard core bikers have you ever seen riding around in white sneakers?

Anonymous said...

I'll see your white Err Force One's and raise you their 8" blades each has on their hip. You can't just walk into a restaurant with a Paul Hogan strapped to your jeans!


GMoney said...

The biggest WTF is that Unser has had inoperable stage million cancer that he only treats with weed for 4 years and has not deteriorated one bit. In fact, he appears to be getting healthier. That must be some bitchin' weed.

Anonymous said...

Prime can weigh in on the fine herb in northern Cali. But, he is Charlie fucking Utter from Deadwood, so I think the cancer is a lie. No way could cancer defeat a man like him.

Also, Clay can die. Amazing how useless and shitty they've made him. Gemma and/or Tara need to. I am tired of them pussyfooting around with this. Kill the twats and move on. Also, that fat creepy prospect is fat and creepy and looks like he wants to rape those kids.


GMoney said...

They don't call him Filthy Phil for nothing. You get dirty when you call "kid butt" your home.

Grumpy said...

He's not a prospect any longer. He's got a rocker sewn on his vest.