|David Stern's replacement is David Stern's Penis.|
Most Overrated Team
East - Boston Celtics - This team is older than Grumpy's saggy, wrinkly nut skin. I don't think the rookies they drafted can contribute right away or period, Paul Pierce is a faggot and Jeff Green will probably have 10 heart attacks by the All-Star break.
West - Los Angeles Lakers - Kobe's already hurt, Nash is a billion years old, Gasol is a raging gash and Howard is a whiny twat. But sure...there's NO WAY this won't work. Especially with Mike Brown and his hot dog neck coaching in LA.
East – Chicago Bulls – Iceman says that D-Rose could be out until well into the second half of the season. This team will be lucky to make the playoffs (although if they get there, no one will want to play them).
West – LA Clippers – They are still coached by Vinny Del Black, correct? Yeah, I can’t take them seriously.
Most Underrated Team
East - Philadelphia 76ers - Yes. They have Andrew Bynum now. Yes. I'm a known Bynum hater. But if he can stay healthy and sane (I know...two HUGE ifs) this team has enough talent to surprise a lot of people now that Iron Jaw Iguodala isn't chewing holes in the floor boards of the Wells Fargo Center anymore.
West - Golden State Warriors - This pick hinges strictly on whether or not this team can stay healthy. Bogut (Iceman doppelganger) gets hurt more than Drew dreams about motor-boating Fat Stafford's creamy dude beefers. Unfortunately this team needs him to compete.
East – Atlanta Hawks – I like the way that this team was torn down and then built back up seemingly overnight. As long as Horford and SMIFF stay healthy, they are going to turn some heads this year (in front of 3000 fans per night).
West – San Antonio Spurs – Every year we all expect them to break down for good. Every year they prove us wrong. It may feel like a cop out to put the Spurs as my underrated team but I don’t think that anyone else in the West really fits this criteria.
DeMarcus Cousins - Hoooo boy, is this a leap of faith. Cousins started putting it together last year and began realizing that no one can guard him as long as he comes to play every day. Let's hope the voices in his head don't convince him to jump into the stands and start lighting people on fire...because THAT would be counterproductive.
Lou Williams – Now that he is out from the Jrue, Iggy, and Turner shadow and with the Hawks, I expect a MONSTER year from one of the most underrated players in the league. You know what; he’s going to be an All-Star this year. COUNT IT.
3 Bold Predictions
1. The Boston Celtics miss the playoffs. This team is fucking toast. The East is getting better and the Celtics are getting more silver in the bush.
2. The Detroit Pistons make the playoffs AND win a series. It says bold, right?
3. Anderson Varejao realizes the "no flopping rule" makes him a bottom 200 player in the league and he goes back to doing photo shoots while being the sparkle of affection in the eye of all homosexual Brazilian men.
1. Jeremy Lin will end the season as the worst statistical player in the league. He never was any good. There, I said it.
2. James Harden as a #1 will be a huge mistake.
3. David Stern will get rid of that new dumb flopping rule immediately after he realizes that the biggest floppers in the league are also the best players in the league (LeBron is the biggest flopper in league history not name Vlade…FACT).
Chris Paul - Before Sexual White Chocolate Kevin Love broke his hand I was tempted to go all in and ask him if he wanted to get an apartment together. But since K-Love will have an uphill batter upon returning I'm going with Chris Paul. Clippers are doing big things this year and Paul is the reason.
LeBron James – The smart money is on Luke Harangody but I’m going to go out on a limb and give the award to the best player in the league.
Rookie of the Year (not named Anthony Davis)
Damian Lillard - Portland. Lillard doesn't have Ray Felton's chubby thighs looming in his rearview mirror after Portland shipped his tubby ass to New York. Plus all reports I've seen from the preseason suggest Lillard's already playing like a 3 year vet. I like the potential here on a team with a lot of talent.
Dion Waiters – Cleveland. Hear me out. I still don’t care much for this pick but that was a long time ago and I need to move on. I think that Dion will end up averaging 15+ per game (although in an extremely inefficient manner) simply because who else on that team is going to chuck Jamison’s 20 missed jumpers per game? For the record, it sounds like Andre Drummond was a goddamn animal in the preseason so maybe he is a good pick here as well. THERE! I WENT WITH BOTH TURDS!
PG - Chris Paul SG - Kobe Bryant SF - Kevin Durant PF - LeBron James C - Kevin Love
Guards – CP3 and Kyrie; Forwards – Durant and LeBron; C – Anthony Davis
The Worst Team in the League (other than Charlotte)
Orlando Magic - EASILY Orlando. Listen. When Jameer Nelson is your best player 82 games will feel like 482 games. They're starting 4 guys that would get 20 minutes off the bench on just about any other team in the NBA. This roster is muddy shit from top to bottom. Really makes you realize just how valuable Smiles McElbows was.
Phoenix Suns – When your best player is Jared Dudley or Marcin Gortat (probably), you are fucking terrible.
Sleeper Fantasy Player (different than Breakout Player)
Goran Dragic - PG is absurdly deep in fantasy this year. And I felt first hand the anal destruction Dragic is capable of when he grabbed Houston's starting PG spot by the haunches last year. Dragic is in Phoenix now with I think Brady and Ide as his only competition for minutes. There's first round production here that you can snag in the 3rd or 4th round.
Ersan Ilyasova – This communist bastard might be my favorite player in the league and I hope that his new contract doesn’t change the way he plays. He does EVERYTHING that you would want a fantasy basketball player to do. He’ll get you a double/double, can pass, and shoots efficiently. Ilyasova is a stud.
Rank the Playoff Seeds (no explanation necessary)
East: 1. Miami 2. Indiana 3. Philadelphia 4. Chicago 5. Brooklyn 6. New York 7. Detroit 8. Washington
West: 1. OKC 2. LA Clippers 3. San Antonio 4. Memphis 5. LA Lakers 6. Golden State 7. Denver 8. Portland
East: 1. Miami 2. Indiana 3. Brooklyn 4. Boston 5. Philadelphia 6. Atlanta 7. New York 8. Chicago
West: 1. San Antonio 2. OKC 3. LA Lakers 4. Denver 5. Memphis 6. LA Clippers 7. Minnesota 8. Dallas
What do you expect from your Pistons/Cavs this season (with record)
Detroit: First, I expect them to be fucking watchable. It's been far too long since I've been able to enjoy a Pistons game that's still competitive deep into the 4th quarter. Second, I expect them to do something about Chaz Villanueva. And by something I mean anything besides issueing him a game day jersey. Cut him, trade him, slice him up into tiny pieces and mail his parts to different parts of the country. I don't fucking care as long as this Uncle Fester looking dick cheese doesn't see the floor. Finally, I expect playoffs. 43-39 should just about do it.
Cleveland: I like the make-up and overhaul of the Cavs roster. Don’t get me wrong, they still aren’t close to competing in a much better Eastern conference this year, but they should be more competitive this year (barring injuries of course). Kyrie is a stud and he and Andy have a dynamite pick and roll game. I don’t think that they will play any defense whatsoever though. It would be nice if Andy could stay healthy all year and maybe draw huge interest at the trade deadline. I see the Cavs winning 33 or 34 games this year and planting themselves firmly in the lottery again. I’ll go with 33-49.
Ice: Heat over Clippers
G$: Heat over Lakers
Well, we both like the Heat to repeat over a team from LA. That should come as no surprise. Before I go and leave you to talk pro hoops all day, here is a funny story that I never knew until I started reading a book about Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point game: he shot his free throws granny-style. HILARIOUS.