Wednesday, September 26, 2012

This Post Will Literally Melt Your Face Off

My future?
I’m still bitter about ol’ Ginger Dick’s continued fucktardery when it comes to protecting “The Shield”. No one will ever be able to convince me that this guy is good for the game. But anyway, I want to go in a different direction today with a style of post that I like writing and you usually enjoy reading: issues with She$.

So we bought a new water heater a few weeks ago. A water heater is the least fun thing to ever buy. I didn’t understand where our previous one needed replaced but the wife won that battle because I didn’t care enough to fight it. So we found out that some asshole had to come to the house and inspect that it was installed correctly. I usually have to be the one that lets these vagabond types into the house to do their work but I said that I wasn’t going to this time. She was. The guy came out and looked at it; no big deal. However, he did say that our gas pipes weren’t sealed 100% correctly which now has the little lady all worried. Here’s the thing though:

Inspector Gadget said that the seals on the pipes would never be an issue…unless the house was struck by lightning. If that were to happen then the Money Mansion and everything inside would be liquefied into volcanic magma in a matter of seconds. This is where the two of us differ and I am prepared to get divorced over it.

She wants to get it fixed and is going to have multiple companies write up estimates. I say “FUCK THAT SHIT”. Yeah, it would suck if we were unlucky enough to get hit with a bolt but I’m willing to take the risk. I’m not going to pay some shitheads to come out and LIGHTNING PROOF the house. I might as well buy cloud insurance. I’ll tell you what, “exploding” doesn’t sound like a bad way to go. It would be quick and painless. So I’m trying to put my foot down here and make her see that worrying about Stan Humphries and Steven Stamkos is pointless. To me, this would just be a tremendous waste of money.

Obviously, if you ever hear about a Columbus area house being lit up like Kane’s ring posts, well, that was us. And I demand an open casket. You must say goodbye directly to my sexy, gooey remains. The question is: What would you do if you were in my future evaporated shoes? Also--NEVER GET MARRIED.

A few other topics to discuss today if you are so inclined for even more discussion today:

*Did you see Mark Dantonio’s postgame conference this past week? He pretty much confirmed that he is the biggest asshole this side of the big muddy by NEXT QUESTION-ing everybody that wanted a quote. It was truly pathetic. I don’t get these college football coaches. What is the point of big-timing the media? Small dicks? Lane Kiffin won’t talk to anyone about injured players. Nick Saban wants everyone that writes anything to get Lou Gehrig’s Disease. It’s really annoying. We make fun of Les Miles and Brady Hoke around here quite a bit but at least they seem like good guys. I’ll take that any day over being a fuckstick and treating everyone like dirt.

*Baseball playoffs are comin’ yo! Are the Orioles finally playing like they should? Does anyone want to win the Central? Are the Indians doing the world a favor and handing the White Sox a first round series loss? Is Ichiro still being ELITE? Does anyone even remotely care about the National League? Is Miggy Walker Black still in the running for the Triple Crown?

That should do it for today. Plenty of excellent talking points to mull. I’ve got an open forum type post planned for tomorrow and then my annual birthday post on Friday. Trust me, you DO NOT want to miss Friday. I guarantee that it is the best thing you have seen on the internet this year.

35 comments:

Grumpy said...

Take it from the voice of long experience, you and the little lady can debate this for months and in the end you cave. Or you can choose the less painful path and cave now. Your choice; slow and painful or quick and (relatively) painless.

You paying attention Iceman?

College football coaches, especially in the upper echelon, are generally dicks.

Anonymous said...

Two words, resale value. If you ever sell your mansion, a home inspector will find EVERYTHING, so you can pay it now, or pay it later.

Brady said...

I vote you get double cloud insurance. You never know...

Anonymous said...

Don't pay for that shit. Your house is not going to hit by a direct lightning bolt and even if it does, I'm betting this guy is full of shit and was trying to take advantage of your wife into spending needless money.

While the coaches do come off as jerks...I really don't give a shit when they treat the media like crap. Sports media is full of pompous supposedly perfectly ethical douchebags. They deserve to get shit on every once in a while.

Slow Seal, Brady and Damman...hats off to the WINDIANS yesterday!

Miggy is still in the triple crown race...going hitless yesterday and ending his 14 game hitting streak did not help his cause tho. The Braves clinched...I hope MUDawg realizes they have no shot tho...evne tho Craig Kimbrel is ELITE.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Our inspector that took us through the house didn't find it so your point is invalid.

I'm just going to ride this out and hope that she forgets about it. But I have a feeling the first storm that comes through is going to send her into the fetal position or demanding that we get a bomb shelter.

I guess it never hurts to get an estimate done though. I stand by my assertion that exploding would be an ELITE way to perish.

Should I just publicly announce now what The Iceman made news on Facebook last night? I think so.

Do you remember when he did that zombie run 5K in Indy this Summer? We all thought that it sounded like a cool idea and were intrigued. Well, fags, time to put your SEC speed where your MOUF is.

MAY 25th 2013...Run For Your Lives is coming to Logan, OH in the Hocking Hills! Iceman and I are already confirmed to participate. Mr. Ape appears to want to be a zombie. Do they make 80% vegan zombies?

Either way, WHO WILL RUN WITH US (holding hands mandatory)!!!

Anonymous said...

Well YOUR inspector never finds stuff. It's the buyer's inspector that finds stuff.

I agree with exploding, it even saves on cremation and disposition of the remains.

GMoney said...

Hey anonymous, stop being anonymous. I'm confused--when we bought the house we WERE the buyer. Still invalid. Speaking of inspectors, the home inspection is one of the worst 1-2 hours of a man's life.

Anonymous said...

That's funny...when I got your text last night, I figured that was the Iceman's wedding date. I'm in as long as that's not the weekend of my brother's bachelor party...I definitely want to run in that.

--Drew

Brady said...

I can't decide if I want the Indians to beat Chicago and help Detroit. I hate both franchises almost equally.

Remember two months ago when the Indians beat Verlander late in the game which propelled them to a division crown! Oh wait, they lost 11 in a row after that. Never mind.

Zombie run in the Hocking Hills! Are hippie zombies more dangerous than your run of the mill zombies? Inquiring minds want to know.

Prime99 said...

I've got some Volcano Insurance that you may be interested in...

A vegan zombie is a hilarious concept.

Dusty Baker had a stroke last week? Probably karma for all the pitchers' arms he's ruined.

GMoney said...

Drew, I think it might be Memorial Day weekend so you would be running for AMERICA. Or in my case, THE TALIBAN WARLORDS.

You don't know any White Sox fans, Brady (taking a stab), so root against the Indians. Wouldn't it be hilarious if Mr. Triple Crown was sitting at home while Adam Dunn was still playing???

Anonymous said...

Isn't Ape a White Sox fan? I bet Brady dislikes him.

--Drew

Brady said...

I actually do know a couple White Sox fans in Chicago. They are insufferable douchebags when it comes to baseball. However, one DID fall on a grenade for me in college which enabled me to hook up with some chick so I guess I'm going for the White Sox. I know too many Detroit fans that I dislike.


Anonymous said...

Prime, its great to hear the vitriol directed at DUT Baker for what he and Phil Regan did to our young pitchers a decade ago. Wait til next year my friend. Go Cubs Go!

Buke

The Iceman said...

That's what I get for sleeping in. My big news gets stolen. Eh...whatever. So how many of you turds are in? We have to coordinate everyone being in the same wave so I can trip Drew for bait. The later the better since I am driving 3 hours. If nothing else we know zombie Ace won't bother anyone since humans are meat. He'll be over in the corner humping a mulberry bush or something.

After reading this I took the engagement ring back. I don't need a lifetime of double cloud insurance.

And yes...that is Memorial day weekend. (Didn't even look at a calander)

Anonymous said...

I'm in the zombie run. Buh lee dat. Afterwards, we should piss off some military types by having an ELITE BBQ that has fuckall to do with memorializing.

Ide

GMoney said...

Hey, I gave you credit for being the source and breaking the story. I'm not ESPN, I acknowledge the real reporters.

So far we have Ide, Drew, Ice, and myself as confirmed. That's quite the crew of pussy slayers to battle the undead, I must say.

The Iceman said...

New York run or Ohio run, Ide?

Anonymous said...

Brady, any non-White Sox fan rooting for the Tigers to win should punched in face. I am mos def pulling for the Indians to lay down against the Sox.

I will not participate in this zombie run. I prefer to spend my memorial day weekends puking after umpiring a baseball game like I did this memorial day due to my ELITE physical prowess.

-Damman

Jeff said...

I would TOTES be down, but my sister's wedding is that weekend. Another reason why getting married is awful. On the other hand I could be the only person ever to miss their siblings wedding to run from zombies...

GMoney said...

On the other hand I could be the only person ever to miss their siblings wedding to run from zombies.

That would be an incredible conversation with your family. It could earn you a BJ from multiple Hog daughters. Does Mark May have a daughter?

The Iceman said...

My suggestions to all...bust out your finest pair of football cleats for this race. Better traction equals better juking abilities.

Anonymous said...

I'll do Ohio. Hanging out with little boys umpiring baseball is the worst thing to do.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Never thought about wearing cleats, great idea! I'm likely trying to run one October 27. It's not the same folks that put on Iceman's officially endorsed zombie run, but it'll do for now.

Prime99 said...

Jeff, of course you should miss the wedding! Why celebrate the fact that your sister is likely getting railed later that night by a guy you probably don't think is good enough for her. Advantage, zombie run!

Brady said...

It doesn't really matter in the end, Damman. I will be pulling for the team playing either one of them. Unless it's the Yankees, or anybody from the AL east, or some of the AL West teams. Basically I want the Indians to firebomb the playoffs as a TEAM. It will be a great bonding experience for next season.

May 25th is my birthday weekend (before the dad half birthday jokes start, it is!). I will not commit at this time. I will not rule it out either. Is there some kind of apocalyptic deadline the zombies want me to adhere by?

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't G$ be worried about dieing during this race and leaving his family behind? After all, he is over 30.

GMoney said...

I'm in pretty decent shape these days PLUS I know how to correctly spell DYING.

My family would be better off.

Ref lockout sounds like it could be over soon. Finally we can get back to laughing at Jerome Booger and Eddie Gunz!

Jeff said...

Just checked out the website and it looks pretty legit and sweet. I'll definitely be down for the next time it comes to Ohio. I am not happy about my sisters wedding at all now.

If Mark May does have a daughter I would absolutely let her give me a blow j and then splooge all over her face.

The Iceman said...

We're going to want to make a committment sometime soon. If we register before a certain time (somewhere in October) then it's $67 a person. And we've all spent $67 on dumber shit. After October it starts jumping to the $70-80 range. We ran the 1PM leg last time. That seems like a good starting point. Thoughts?

GMoney said...

I like it. Morning runs are for people like Dut. Plus, the zombies may be a bit fatigued by then. It's all about survival. Speaking of which, can we get some minorities in our group simply to be sacrificed? Hey, I'm just spit-balling over here.

Anonymous said...

Good thought, G$. Horror films have always taught me that the minorities always die first.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Yes, a token minority or a Poopson will go a long way. If Ape is a zombie, we run through him, not around him.

How have we went this long without so much as a peep about an ELITE Sons of Anarchy? That was truly painful to watch.

Ide

GMoney said...

I can't believe that no one has chimed in about Sons yet.

*RIP Opie...the blood spurt in his death scene was terrific.

*Gemma fucking sucks. She is the worst character on the show. Nothing that she does makes a lick of sense anymore.

*Also pointless: Juice. More Happy, less Juice. They should have let Juice hang himself last season and got rid of him forever.

The Iceman said...

I already told Ace that I'm warming up the most violent stiff arm this hemisphere has ever seen if I see his vegan ass on the course.

So it's settled then? 1PM wave in Logan, Ohio?