Monday, September 17, 2012

The Worst of Week Two Vol.VI

I forgot to mention this on Friday and that was a huge error on my part.  Did anyone see that weird segment on the NFL Network's pregame show right before Thursday's game?  The "HE'S A BEAST" thing?  That was really bizarre.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, each panelist talks about some guy for a few seconds and then screams "HE'S A BEEEEEEAST" into the camera.  It is truly awful yet I hope that they keep doing it because I LOL'd hard when the white guys on set tried it.

It reminds me of the extremely played out "Come On, Man" segment that ESPN still does and the dumbest of the dumb still love.  Let's be honest: the only point of these pieces are for black people to sound cool and whiteys to look ridiculous.  I mean, COME ON MAN, Mike Ditka and Berman come off as complete fucktards when they try to keep up with the Keyshawns and TJ's of the world.  And last Monday, when the always adorable Suzy was filling in for "the guy that should have switched places with Tom Mees", she was just embarrassing.  In conclusion, I'm cautiously optimistic to see Rich Eisen make the above face at me every Thursday for the rest of the season.  Onto the rest of week 2 or as millions of people around the country call it, "The Patriots just eliminated me from my survivor pool".

The Chiefs - My pick to click and make the AFC title game looks REALLY GOOD through two weeks.  Jesus Christ, Matt Cassel is the worst.  CJ Spiller is the best.  Clearly, Fred Jackson was holding the Bills back.

Tom Coughlin - What the fuck is he so pissed off about?  God forbid Tampa Bay lay down and die!  Asshole.  Tom Coughlin is an asshole.

Defenses in that game - The Giants D still looks shit-tastic.  Tampa Bay's secondary has an ample amount of old Browns.  It should come as no surprise that there were ten million passing yards in this game.

Dut - Go figure that this guy would try to start up the argument between which Manning is better in a game where Eli throws for 510.  You always lose, glory hole boy.

Drew Brees - I'm willing to call it after two games: the Saints are terrible.  They can't stop anyone and Brees appears to be mortal after all.  Starting out 0-2 against the Skins and Panthers tells me that the Saints won't finish .500.  D. Sproles: still sick!

Weeden Haters - So maybe you shouldn't have overreacted to the rookie's debut last week after all, right?  He looked fairly competent yesterday!  T-Rich looked good, too.  I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the Browns might have won yesterday if Joe Haden was a fucking moron.  Or, you know...

Cleveland Coverage LOL - PACMAN JONES RETURNED A PUNT AGAINST YOU!!! CHUH CHUH!  O HE GON DRANK!

IND/MIN and JAX/HOU - I give no fucks about these teams and games.

The Raiders - This is what happens when you deactivate MY BOY, Terrelle Pryor!  You get stomped by the worst offense in league history.  The Raiders truly are terrible.  They and Romeo Crennel's team are the two worst teams in the league through 2 weeks.

Tom Brady - If something is not right with Brees, then something REALLY isn't right with The Dreamboat.  Who gets outplayed by Kevin Kolb at home?  KEVIN KOLB!  They didn't deserve to win that game anyway because...

Ryan Williams - Yeah, your days of getting carries are over.  You thought that you were all cute when Beanie Wells got hurt (AGAIN) and you would be getting the load.  Not anymore...now get a haircut.  But you're OK because...

Steven Gostkowski - LOL!  Do you kick for Cal in your spare time?  As always, FUCK NEW ENGLAND!

LeSean McCoy - Nice fumbles, jerk.  Are the Eagles the worst 2-0 team of all time?  I hate the Eagles because Mr. Ace is an awful person.  It's amazing how lucky Mike Vick is considering that he doesn't deserve to have any luck go his way.

Jake Locker - Jake Locker is a really bad QB.

Jason Witten and Tony Romo - Witten dropped everything thrown his way and Romo was his typical unELITE self.  If you didn't see this coming from Dallas then you don't know anything.  This is typical of them.  Look like a Super Bowl team one week and then complete baby shit the next.  They do this ALL THE TIME.

The Jets - Yeah, we knew that they weren't as good as they looked last week.  This game was really dull and pointless outside of that Tenor run.

Redskins defense - This was what I was deathly afraid of.  OF COURSE they would get beat by the Rams because the Redskins always lose to the fucking Rams.  Al Bundy once correctly said that "if you lose to the Rams, they throw you out of the league".  After watching that game, the Redskins should be disbanded.  THAT WAS BULLSHIT.  The Rams are MONKEY SHIT and you let Navajo Joe and Danny fucking Amendola go bananas.  AND ANOTHER PUNT BLOCKED!  Who the fuck is coaching special teams, Don Treadwell?  The offense is still sick but RG3 should demand a trade this morning.  He deserves better than that trash.  You know what, the worst of the worst this week was...

JOSH FUCKING MORGAN - YOU DUMB FUCK!  WHY ARE YOU THROWING THE BALL AT FINNEGAN WHEN YOU ARE IN FIELD GOAL RANGE!  I HOPE THAT YOU GET CUT WORSE THAN J-RUPE.  YOU FUCKING COST US THE GODDAMN GAME WITH YOUR FUCKTARDERY.  I knew that last week was fool's gold.  I just knew it.  I wanted to believe that things had changed but they really haven't.  Sure, the offense is still crazy sick but we possess a horrible defense and really dumb people.  Football is so damn frustrating.  Bring on the Bengals.  If the Browns can hang 27 on them, RG3 should be good for 70.

The Lions - I'll just assume that their lack of discipline will be LOL-worthy tonight.

Fantasy! - It's really hard to worry about that after such a shitty loss but it looks like I'll beat Dut in the DFL.  I need 15 or so from Akers tonight to beat Lange in the MSFL.  I don't know.  Josh Morgan has my head all fucked up.  GO BACK TO SAN FRAN, HOMO!  YOU PROBABLY LIKE GETTING SHIVVED UP THE ASS ON CASTRO ST LIKE THE FAGGOT THAT YOU ARE.

Whatever.  I'm doing the college football post tomorrow so update your calendars. 

43 comments:

Grumpy said...

Sanchez completes no passes in over two hours of real time. That should be included.

GMoney said...

Yeah, sorry about that. My knowledge of the late games is limited due to too much focus on a LOSS TO THE RAMS.

I contend that there is nothing on the planet more frustrating than watching your favorite team piss away a game to an inferior team. It is maddening.

Off topic: Who watched the Weeds series finale last night? For a show that went three seasons too long, I thought that they ended it really well. Guru Doug needs a spin-off.

Oh yeah, BEAT DUT!

Anonymous said...

I know it's not football, but Valverde's fat ass should be on this list. I'm sure Drew will agree...

Tom fucking Brady is killing my fantasy team (never thought ide say that).

Seal

GMoney said...

Seal, I feel your pain. When you spend a ton of money or pick Brees and Brady high (as I did), you expect ELITE production. These two guys look like Dan Marino at the end of his career through two weeks. Very frustrating.

MuDawgfan said...

Fuck CJ Spiller

and LOL USC

Prime99 said...

There is no one I'd rather see decapitated other than Finnegan, but C'MON MAN- Morgan has to know better than that!

I get beat by amazing Romo last week and amazing Rivers this week. I'm sure Rivers will go back to being himself next week. And my MSFL team was embarrassing this week (besides VD, VD is ELITE.) Getting Brees was not as great of an idea as I thought.

I am in the championship for fantasy baseball though...

Anonymous said...

While I will likely lose this week (7 fgs from prater tonight please!!), I'm still pleased with the performance of my team (rg3). I'll see you in the playoffs, c-sucker! Over managing of the flesh lights cost me.

If the tigers don't win tonight they're done.

It feels weird to see a legit playmaker on the browns roster. Maybe they're not as bad as I thought. Or maybe the bengals are bad too?

Sorry I missed the redhawk/Boise party at the Stube. I was too busy destroying the dance floor at out r inn.

Peyton>Eli. Only retards would try to argue otherwise.

Dut

Anonymous said...

I will be moving to 2-0 in the G$FL...deal with it.

I don't think the Lions did really anything LOL-worthy last night....surely nothing as dumb as Josh Morgan. It wasn't the most entertaining game tho. The 49ers defense is incredible at tackling tho.

I don't remember him doing this much in college...but, RGIII was whining like a little bitch throughout that whole game yesterday.

The end of that Patriots game was really funny.

--Drew

Jeff said...

There's the Steelers defense we all know and love.

Should've taken your advise on the Bingals for a survivor pick. Took the GIANTS instead and sweated it out, but a win is a win.

FUCK THE PATS

GMoney said...

Dut, the Manning debate can be had until the end of time but yesterday did not help your case. Fortunately for you, I OWN THE DFL AND ALWAYS WILL.

Prime, it amazes me that people still let Finnegan get into their head. That could be the dumbest move of the season by anyone. Morgan is a fucking idiot. As the late, great James Doakes said to Dexter: "FUCK YOU, MORGAN"!

Drew, he was a tad whiny, wasn't he? It's like he went to Evan Turner Demeanor School or something. That has to stop. He still so sick though. HE'S A BEEEEEEEEEEEEAST!!!

Jeff, always listen to me because I am the smartest.

Niners Defense is the TROOF. They miss nothing. It's about fucking time for Tron to score though.

Prime99 said...

LOL at the Doakes reference! Well done, G$!

Anonymous said...

I'd say Stafford belongs on the list, not the entire Lions performance. He was missing easy passes all night. Was it me or did he overall just look 'out of it'. He had no emotion like he normally does, looked depressed, 0 energy. For a game he should have had a boner for, I saw 0 leadership out of him last night. It was as sad as seeing the tigers fall to the Indians right before...

And Victor Cruz is the Troof.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Maybe Stafford should follow the always overly charismatic Jim Furyk and get some 5 Hour Energy.

Grumpy said...

Damman just butt fucked me in the MSFL. He had two guys, Cruz and Bush, who each put up over 30 pts. I continue to be a horrible GM.

Next year can I just send Ace $40 not to play?

Brady said...

I put yesterdays loss on Joe Hadens shoulders. Hope that fucking adderall trip was worth it, asshat.

Grumpy said...

Haden was suspended for testing positive for Adderall? Adderall for ADHD? How does that give him an advantage?

Anonymous said...

Adderall is a stimulative. It's almost like amphetamines for normal people.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy...I believe the story is that he didn't have a prescription for it...and supposedly he took it to stay up late while he was out partying in Vegas one night.

The funny part is that adderral only stays in your piss stream for roughly 48 hours. It was extremely unlucky that he would get a random drug test within that window of time.

--Drew

Brady said...

He took it to stay up late night in Vegas one weekend. If you're going to do that, just buy an 8 ball like a normal crack head.

Anonymous said...

For the second time this weekend, I just heard Ron Jawarski say that "accuracy is the most overlooked part of quarterbacking." I got a question... what!?

Dut

The Iceman said...

Finnegan's only play is be a loudmouth fuck since his corner skills are terrible. He blankets you with annoying isults instead of coverage.

I disagree with you about the Tampa Bay thing only because of Schiano's press conference when he said he didn't know you didn't fire into the offensive line's knee caps in the victory formation. He "wasn't aware" that's how things were done in the NFL. Go fuck your mother, dingleberry. It's crazy how you're a head coach in the NFL having never watched an NFL game in your LIFE!

You were being a butthurt faggot because your defense allowed down syndrome Eli to put 510 and 3 scores on you for a late game win. And you're being a Suh sized faggot by trying to cover it up with some ridiculous story that insults everyone's intelligence.

Grumpy said...

BREAKING NEWS...Iceman is getting married.

The Iceman said...

To a girl. Let me specify that first before all the gay jokes start circulating.

GMoney said...

Iceman getting married? Way to fly all the way to Hawaii to do something that could have been done at Tony fucking Packo's.

I got nothing but love for Joe Haden. He is a big Cavs fan!

The Bucs are trying everything they can to win a game (something they did very little of last year). If it means trying to fuck up the QB/center exchange then so be it.

Anonymous said...

Asking on the front end of a vacation. Way to pressure her.

Ide

tlachey said...

My thoughts exactly Ide... Would've made for an extremely awkward week had she said no, right?!

Anonymous said...

What an idiot Iceman is.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Hey dumbass, you should have done it during the Napoleon/Defiance game like a BOSS. Hawaii is so cliche. Ohio high school football is unique and cheap.

I think that I've made it quite clear over the last three years that marriage is the greatest thing ever and your life will be enriched tenfold--RUN! GET THE FUCK OUT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! LOVE IS FOR THE GAYS!

Case in point: this morning She$ got an "emergency" phone call from her office at 6 AM which she LOUD TALKED for 5 minutes while not going into another room and letting her sleeping beauty get some much needed rest. I demanded an apology. I am still waiting and am not expecting one.

The Iceman said...

If she was going to walk out on me it would have been month one when I got blacked out and shit my pants while throwing up in front of her. Asking was merely a formality. Plus she knows I'm in it for the money anyway. And I never need a reason to go to Hawaii other than it's fucking awesome.

The Iceman said...

Jaws agrees with G$ and Greg Schiano. That's how we know that both are 100% wrong.

They had 59 minutes to win that game and blew it. You don't win games blowing out lineman's knees with 2 seconds left when you're down. You end people's careers that way. It was a shit move by a grade A cock sucker.

GMoney said...

when I got blacked out and shit my pants while throwing up in front of her

We should start calling you IDEMAN.

Mr. Ace said...

So she's a masochist. Nice.

Vick Sick!!! We had 4 turnovers, 3 in the red zone, and still beat the best team in the AFC. Fuck all.

Reggie Bush for MVP.

Prime99 said...

While Ide's comment made me LOL, congrats to Iceman... For stealing a plastic pineapple at Cheeseburger In Paradise! I hope you put the ring in the pineapple for the proposal!

The Eagles are the worst 2-0 team ever. I have no idea how they are not 0-2.

GMoney said...

Best team in the AFC? When do you play the Bills?

Anonymous said...

Solid Browns compliment Ape.

GMoney said...

If the choices are: agree with Peter King or agree with Jaws then I will take Jaws every time.

It's all subjective and hypocritical. I want my team to play the full 60 minutes (not 59). But I wouldn't want the opponent to do that to my team. Then again, we can't even beat the Rams.

I mean, the Giants OL had to notice that the DL in front of them were not ready to give up and were still coming. Blame them.

Brady said...

9 turnovers and 2 one point victories (one against the Browns LOL). I HOPE that's the team to represent the NFC this year.

Brady said...

That move was bush league. I'm all for playing hard the whole game but you can't start diving at knees with 5 seconds left. I'm actually impressed with Coughlin for showing some restraint after the game.

Congrats to the Iceman. I'm already looking forward to the bachelor party.

GMoney said...

THERE WILL BE NO WHISKY AT THE BACHELOR PARTY!!!

Count it!

The Iceman said...

Unless LS will be there. Then we'll drink nothing but single malt whiskey aged 20 years.

Anonymous said...

Brady would go to the bachelor party, but he cant make it because its the anniversary of his Dads first lost tooth.

-Drew

Anonymous said...

Redskins' LB Orakpo, DE Carriker out for season

(http://sports.yahoo.com/news/redskins-deal-injuries-carriker-orakpo-165655101--nfl.html)

D'oh!

GMoney said...

Goddamn Rams...oh well, we gave up 30+ with them, we'll give up 30+ without them.

Drew, I think that that weekend might be the anniversary of Brady's sister's first period. That is a mandatory family event.