|Gruden has tried them all...even Larry Fitzgerald there on the left side.|
Also, everyone's least favorite color commentator, Jon Gruden, is doing Hooters commercials now claiming that he used to be a wing cook there back in the 80's. Good God, this is well before sexual harassment was a thing so can you imagine what Gruden was doing? It's a LOCK that he has dick warts. If I was more creative, I would hop in the time machine and do an FFCA interview with Brandy from Hooters in the same style as I did with Denard months ago. But I'm not, so I won't. Anyway, onto the the shittiest players of week three:
Cam Newton - Even though this game was on Thursday, I feel that it still warrants some discussion. I don't get Cam. He's a pouty little bitch when things go slightly bad for him. Steve SMIFF is right; Cam needs to sack up.
Steven Jackson - Iceman's boyfriend is done. And how about that Rams offense now when they are facing a defense that actually runs plays? NOT GOOD.
CJ Spiller - Classic troll move right there: get everyone buying into how ELITE you are and then have your shoulder ACL (Hi Dut!) ripped into a billion pieces of shit against the Browns! On another note, Trent Richardson is back to being average. You know, I hated what I saw from him yesterday. It had nothing to do with his on field play either. Bro was wearing a big fucking coat...in September. It's only going to get worse from here, Trent, so quit being a pussy.
Offensive competency in Dallas - There was a game played in Dallas. It was not a good one. The highlights were none unless you like Tony Romo getting murdered by big black men as I do. Damman can not be too pleased with Romo today and that is the thing about that queer: you absolutely can not count on him.
Greg Schiano doubters - HE DID IT AGAIN! They went after the kneel down again! Hilarious. I respect that man a lot more today knowing that he isn't a hypocritical fuckwad. If you're going to do it once, do it all the time.
Lions Defense - Sweet merciful Christ is that defense terrible or what? 378 yards passing to JAKE LOCKER!
Jim Schwartz - Come on, Peter King hair, as awesome as a Shaun Hill QB sneak is, just take the FG. That was dumb as shit. But then again...
Fat Stafford - What happened to him exactly? I'm not looking it up. All that I know is that every single ELITE QB from last year looks like poop diddly this year. At least someone throwing the ball for the Lions FINALLY started to force the ball to TRON. And even though he scored, Nate Burleson still sucks. As does Chris Johnson.
People ignoring Cecil Shorts - NO ONE CLOSES LIKE CECIL SHORTS!
Tim Tebow - It's time to end this farce. I hope that you all saw the "pass" that was thrown to Timmy that hit him in the helmet because that was just terrific. The Tenorcat offense is diarrhea.
Jimmy HarBRAH - It looks like someone was sniffing his own farts all week instead of planning for a football game. This game knocked me out of my survival pool because, come on, the Niners D against Chris Ponder! Fuck that noise. I'd hate to be the team that plays San Fran next week because they are going to murder the panties off of their week 4 opponent.
Aaron Kromer - Worst coach ever? Dude is 0-3 with home losses to the REDSKINS AND CRENNELS. The Saints are done. It was nice to see Jam Charles back and SICK again though.
DeAngelo Hall - This might go down as the worst defense in NFL history and I want to put the blame on Hall because he is ASS. I ran smack at Tonya and my Bengals fan sister before the game and that was promptly shoved up my poop maker at the end of the game when my sister called me to scream "WHO DEY MOTHERFUCKER" at me. I deserved it. I root for a horrible defense that can't stop anyone. Armon Binns had 400 yards receiving yesterday. We had a chance though until...
Mike Shanahan - Thanks for getting that unsportsmanlike conduct penalty by running out onto the field to scream at the scabs. That was awesome. You are a great coach, Mike! At least we didn't have a punt blocked this week. PROGRESS! The Rams are going to get a really good first round pick this year.
HALFTIME GREAT JOKE OF THE DAY FROM THE DFL CHAT:
Lange: Where's Dan?
G$: He said that he had to give Torrey Smith's brother a ride somewhere.
Norv Turner - You're a goddamn fool if you thought that a Norv-coached team was going to start 3-0. By the way, the Falcons look absolutely terrific. My NFC Champion appears to be a pretty good pick right now.
Mike Vick - Mike Vick sucks. He really, truly does and he got lucky the first two weeks. This time around, not so much. The Eagles are a fraud on the level of Mr. Ace's sham marriage to hide his thirst for cat dick. The Eagles are a joke. Yeah, give the ball to Bryce Brown over Shady McCoy. That's a winning strategy!
Peyton Manning - It was exposed on Monday and defenses are going to continue to exploit the fact that he can't throw the deep ball. He has reached the Dan Marino stage of his career.
Matt Schaub's ear lobe - GAAAAAAAHHHHH! That hit was so dirty--SO DIRTY! And now this handsome troglodyte will never look the same again.
Antonio Brown - Maybe he isn't the #1 receiver on the team due to his penchant for fumbling, eh buttfuck Steeler fans??? It's always been Mike Wallace. Never forget that. AND HAHAHAHAHA YOU LOST TO THE RAIDERS!!! Nice 1-2 start, black and gold Redskins! Also: RIP Darius Heyward-Bey. You may be dead now but the memory of your draft position will always remain.
FANTASY! - Going into the Sunday nighter, it looks like I'm going at least 3-1 this week with a tightly contested battle with Li'l Strut in the MSFL still in question. Tom Brady better get his shit together.
That's it for me. I didn't proofread this at all so any grammatical errors can be stuck up your ass. Again, props to Tonya for being a better fan than I am. One thing is certain: I am betting the over in every Redskins game for the rest of the year (as I did this week). We fucking suck...STILL!