Monday, September 24, 2012

The Worst of Week Three Vol.VI

Gruden has tried them all...even Larry Fitzgerald there on the left side.
I was at the gym yesterday doing my usual showcasing of ELITE athletic ability while watching Sunday Countdown.  They had a quick blurb where some football players talked about their pregame meal choice.  I thought about this for a long time and I can't think of what I used to fuel my temple before high school football games.  Hell, I'm still trying to piece it together.  So I'm just going to say that I enjoyed a lovely pregame meal of steroids and stem cells before crushing pussies on the gridiron in the late 90's.  I know that The Dutchman used to roll through the McD's drive-thru until one game he left a large strawberry shake on the Loose Field sidelines.  It was gross.  By the way, Roddy White eats at Waffle House before EVERY game.  Roddy White is either ELITE or has a stomach filled with pubic hair.

Also, everyone's least favorite color commentator, Jon Gruden, is doing Hooters commercials now claiming that he used to be a wing cook there back in the 80's.  Good God, this is well before sexual harassment was a thing so can you imagine what Gruden was doing?  It's a LOCK that he has dick warts.  If I was more creative, I would hop in the time machine and do an FFCA interview with Brandy from Hooters in the same style as I did with Denard months ago.  But I'm not, so I won't.  Anyway, onto the the shittiest players of week three:

Cam Newton - Even though this game was on Thursday, I feel that it still warrants some discussion.  I don't get Cam.  He's a pouty little bitch when things go slightly bad for him.  Steve SMIFF is right; Cam needs to sack up.

Steven Jackson - Iceman's boyfriend is done.  And how about that Rams offense now when they are facing a defense that actually runs plays?  NOT GOOD.

CJ Spiller - Classic troll move right there: get everyone buying into how ELITE you are and then have your shoulder ACL (Hi Dut!) ripped into a billion pieces of shit against the Browns!  On another note, Trent Richardson is back to being average.  You know, I hated what I saw from him yesterday.  It had nothing to do with his on field play either.  Bro was wearing a big fucking coat...in September.  It's only going to get worse from here, Trent, so quit being a pussy.

Offensive competency in Dallas - There was a game played in Dallas.  It was not a good one.  The highlights were none unless you like Tony Romo getting murdered by big black men as I do.  Damman can not be too pleased with Romo today and that is the thing about that queer: you absolutely can not count on him.

Greg Schiano doubters - HE DID IT AGAIN!  They went after the kneel down again!  Hilarious.  I respect that man a lot more today knowing that he isn't a hypocritical fuckwad.  If you're going to do it once, do it all the time.

Lions Defense - Sweet merciful Christ is that defense terrible or what?  378 yards passing to JAKE LOCKER!

Jim Schwartz - Come on, Peter King hair, as awesome as a Shaun Hill QB sneak is, just take the FG.  That was dumb as shit.  But then again...

Fat Stafford - What happened to him exactly?  I'm not looking it up.  All that I know is that every single ELITE QB from last year looks like poop diddly this year.  At least someone throwing the ball for the Lions FINALLY started to force the ball to TRON.  And even though he scored, Nate Burleson still sucks.  As does Chris Johnson.

People ignoring Cecil Shorts - NO ONE CLOSES LIKE CECIL SHORTS!

Tim Tebow - It's time to end this farce.  I hope that you all saw the "pass" that was thrown to Timmy that hit him in the helmet because that was just terrific.  The Tenorcat offense is diarrhea.

Jimmy HarBRAH - It looks like someone was sniffing his own farts all week instead of planning for a football game.  This game knocked me out of my survival pool because, come on, the Niners D against Chris Ponder!  Fuck that noise.  I'd hate to be the team that plays San Fran next week because they are going to murder the panties off of their week 4 opponent.

Aaron Kromer - Worst coach ever?  Dude is 0-3 with home losses to the REDSKINS AND CRENNELS.  The Saints are done.  It was nice to see Jam Charles back and SICK again though.

DeAngelo Hall - This might go down as the worst defense in NFL history and I want to put the blame on Hall because he is ASS.  I ran smack at Tonya and my Bengals fan sister before the game and that was promptly shoved up my poop maker at the end of the game when my sister called me to scream "WHO DEY MOTHERFUCKER" at me.  I deserved it.  I root for a horrible defense that can't stop anyone.  Armon Binns had 400 yards receiving yesterday.  We had a chance though until...

Mike Shanahan - Thanks for getting that unsportsmanlike conduct penalty by running out onto the field to scream at the scabs.  That was awesome.  You are a great coach, Mike!  At least we didn't have a punt blocked this week.  PROGRESS!  The Rams are going to get a really good first round pick this year.

HALFTIME GREAT JOKE OF THE DAY FROM THE DFL CHAT:
Lange: Where's Dan?
G$: He said that he had to give Torrey Smith's brother a ride somewhere.

Norv Turner - You're a goddamn fool if you thought that a Norv-coached team was going to start 3-0.  By the way, the Falcons look absolutely terrific.  My NFC Champion appears to be a pretty good pick right now.

Mike Vick - Mike Vick sucks.  He really, truly does and he got lucky the first two weeks.  This time around, not so much.  The Eagles are a fraud on the level of Mr. Ace's sham marriage to hide his thirst for cat dick.  The Eagles are a joke.  Yeah, give the ball to Bryce Brown over Shady McCoy.  That's a winning strategy!

Peyton Manning - It was exposed on Monday and defenses are going to continue to exploit the fact that he can't throw the deep ball.  He has reached the Dan Marino stage of his career.

Matt Schaub's ear lobe - GAAAAAAAHHHHH!  That hit was so dirty--SO DIRTY!  And now this handsome troglodyte will never look the same again.

Antonio Brown - Maybe he isn't the #1 receiver on the team due to his penchant for fumbling, eh buttfuck Steeler fans???  It's always been Mike Wallace.  Never forget that.  AND HAHAHAHAHA YOU LOST TO THE RAIDERS!!!  Nice 1-2 start, black and gold Redskins!  Also: RIP Darius Heyward-Bey.  You may be dead now but the memory of your draft position will always remain.

FANTASY! - Going into the Sunday nighter, it looks like I'm going at least 3-1 this week with a tightly contested battle with Li'l Strut in the MSFL still in question.  Tom Brady better get his shit together.

That's it for me.  I didn't proofread this at all so any grammatical errors can be stuck up your ass.  Again, props to Tonya for being a better fan than I am.  One thing is certain: I am betting the over in every Redskins game for the rest of the year (as I did this week).  We fucking suck...STILL!

42 comments:

Grumpy said...

But unlike Vick and Cam, RGIII is a real qb and just needs more talent around him.

The Iceman said...

Tenorcat. I'm either delirious from my 10 hour flight or that is the funniest God damn thing I've ever heard.

No one in the world is more happy about Cam Newton sucking butthole than me. That is a FACT.

I think the official injury on Stafford was high cholesterol. He's questionable for next week and probable for diabeetus.

Not enough attention has been paid to just how rotten Chris Johnson is. Anyone else you wanna blame you twitching faggot fuck?

GMoney said...

The offense is absolutely fine. They are averaging over 30 points through three games and that has happened in DC never. Jim Haslett is fucking SHIT.

I was going to compliment the scabs on a decent performance yesterday until the disasterous night game in which some guys were allowed to get murdered by the Ravens but very few weren't. There was no consistency at all. That was awful. However, throwing a flag on HarBRAH for being a dick with 3 minutes left was LOL!

Need 15 points out of Seahawks D/ST to beat LS and go 4-0 this week. Come on, Petey C!!!

MUDawgfan said...

San Diego flat out SUCKS.
That the hell happened to this team?

Anonymous said...

Stafford's numbers were actually good yesterday. It's the play-calling that has mainly been shit. They are taking ZERO shots downfield except when they need a hail mary at the end of a game. Shaun Hill is an ELITE back-up QB. The Lions secondary is the worst in the NFL for the second straight year tho. Just awful.

I was shying away from joining in the media uproar over the replacement refs. But, it is getting a little ridonk. Roger needs to fork over some cush and get those fucks back.

I know people are interested in the most talked about fantasy matchup in the G$FL this past weekend. All I've gotta say is...

Victim # 2 -- 102
Tickle Monster -- 34

It was a reverse ass raping of EPIC proportions. Victim # 2 didn't just reverse the raping...he was sticking plungers and whatever else he could find up the Tickle Monster's ass. Payback is a BITCH.

Can't wait to make fun of Detard tomorrow!

--Drew

GMoney said...

I could make a good argument that the Redskins secondary is the worst of all time. Did the Lions let Navajo Joe and Li'l Conan O'Brien torch them? I think not.

Any time that you can break triple digits in the G$FL, that is impressive.

Jeff said...

Classic Steeler let down on the West Coast. Dennis Allen turned 40 over the weekend?!?! Looks like he's 12. He must go home and cry to his mother every night after what he sees go on in the black hole.

Anonymous said...

Fucking Torrey Smiths brother gave him the passion to hang dong on me in G$FL. Go Beast Mode!

Injuring CJ Spiller is awesome. I live looking great for makinf claims that all Bills RBs are shit fantasy wise.
The only happiness the Browns give me anymore is when my Defense plays them or when they injure ELITE people.

Ide

Anonymous said...

G$...The Lions are starting a white safety named John Wendling. They are atrocious. Our best DB could be rookie Bill Bentley who is out of something like SE Missouri ButtFucking Egypt University.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Stafford is out with a tight hammy and glute. Remember that he pulled himself from the game next time you want to criticize Jay Cutler for sitting with a tear in his MCL. (But I hop he's ok because I own Stafford in one league.)

At least 4 guys sustained scary injuries on Sunday. DHB, McCluster's hyperextended elbow, some defender on the Broncos knocked himself out and Torrey Smiff's brother. Rough out there.

Tenorcat is a great name. Well done, G$. The Dolphins did everything possible to lose that game.

I just need Rodgers to have an average game and ill be 4-0 for the week. It is much needed.

tlachey said...

Not a better fan G$, just a fan of the better team this weekend. There is plenty of season left, trust me!

GMoney said...

Not that the Emmys matter or anything but we are a TV blog in the comments sometimes, so Homeland, really???

Look, I love that show and think that it's really good but it ain't Breaking Bad and Damian Lewis sure as fuck ain't Walter goddamn White.

And Claire Danes is fucking awful. That being said, can't wait for the premiere on Sunday!!!

The Redskins best secondary player (maybe) lists Nickelback as a great band. They are SO bad. I can't wait to see what a horrible QB like Josh Freeman will do to us next Sunday.

You know, I'm a pretty heartless faggot and even I was a little touched to see Torrey Smiff out there doin' work last night. Good for him. Finding out that it hurt Ide is a HUGE bonus.

tlachey said...

P.S. How about those Reds clinching the division... ELITE!

GMoney said...

By the way, I LOL'ed hard when I saw this on ESPN:

Jaguars QB Blain Gabbert (buttocks) is active.

An active buttocks is right in Uncle T's wheelhouse!!!

Anonymous said...

Prime...Stafford didn't really pull himself from the game. He played three or four drives with his leg like that. Then we went down 14 with two minutes left....and it would take a miracle to put that into OT, so they took him out. Then we got the miracle and by then he had sat too much to put him back out there and risk really fucking it up.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Fuck you, Tonya, when I pay you a compliment, you cherish that bitch until the end of time because I will never do it again.

YOU ARE A BETTER FAN THAN I AM. Now make with the nude pics and Drew Lachey interview (fuck Nick!).

Anonymous said...

G$...I saw that buttocks thing and laughed.

Speaking of being heartless...there is nothing funnier than watching one of those "Texting While Driving" commercials with closed captioning on the TV. The closed captioning has no idea how to transcribe the words that are coming out of the guy that crashed his car because he was texting. Unfortunately, that will be me some day unless I shape up my act on that end.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The Browns will be undoubtedly go 0-16... and then proceed to fuck up next seasons draft. Good thing we used our 2nd rounder next year on Josh Gordon.

There were a lot of Bills fans at the game yesterday... making me realize that Buffalo has to be the worst city in the US. Every single female looked like Rosie Odonnell.

Its actually impressive how bad the Browns have been for so long. We have made the playoffs twice since 1989, and have now been 0-3 four of the past 5 years. And this is a league where its almost impossible to not turn your franchise around and be somewhat decent after 3-4 years. Its embrassing to be a fan of this team.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Sorry but I have to throw this in for Drew...

Somehow the white sox are a little worse than the shit tigers and im sure the Tigers will get in, but atleast Valverde has looked good this past week, huh?

His last 3 games... 2 losses in 2.1 innings pitched giving up 5 earned runs. That fat fuck is terrible.

Sorry about the baseball comment.

Seal

Brady said...

The Browns are a fucking disgrace. What's the over/under on the number of weeks Paddy O Shurmur survives? I'm thinking the instant our new good ol' boy owner gets the keys to his new beat up station wagon. Shurmur and his band of retards can suck a dick.

Weeden is awful, but I think he has potential. Just wanted to throw that out there before Iceman shoves his Barkley boner in everyone's face.

Take your compliment and cherish it, Tonya. I think I got one when I first started commenting but it's been gay jokes ever since.

I texted my friend about Torrey Smith yesterday morning and suggested he sit him because of his situation. We may not be friends anymore. Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Brady - one of my so called "friends" texted me while i was out at the bars before the browns game telling me abour Torrey Smith as well. I obviously took his work for it and benched him since i couldnt read/find out about it. Of course he then proceeds to go off.

Seal

tlachey said...

Compliment cherished... my bad. And big difference Brady, I have tits. Therefore, even if they are gay jokes from here on out, it will be a little hotter for me.

Grumpy said...

Drew, really all of you, I don't want to come off all grandfatherly, but just DON'T text while driving. I've done it, we've all done it, and I once crossed a center line by about 5 feet. Just lucky nothing was coming the other way.

It's not worth whatever you feel you have to say. Back to football.

GMoney said...

Damman and I both made a tentative agreement that we would go up to the Redskins/Browns game on 12/16 as long as both of our teams were still fun to watch (or contending for the playoffs LOL). On Saturday, it seemed like a lock. One day later, FUCK THAT SHIT.

And big difference Brady, I have tits.--I heart Tonya so much.

Ooof, Torrey Smith apparently got quite a few peeps in the fantasy realm. Ouch babe.

If I complimented Brady in the past, it was purely accidental.

Anonymous said...

If lynch outscored arod and ced Ben by 5 tonight I will retire from the g$fl. Good to see one of my players, Torrey smith, actually score points in that league. Hasn't happened in 3 years. Eat a dick, IDE!

Valverde is done in Detroit after this year. I think we got our money's worth out of him.

Nothing like dropping 2 to the worst team in the al when you can take over 1st place!

I think I'll be watching nfl redzone over the browns already this year. I bet Weeden starts to get boo'd by week 8. This is a train wreck. Bring in Matt Barkley!

Hines ward is AWFUL on tv. Get him out of here.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Grumps...I know....it's a work in progress, but I'm doing much better at it. Need to cut it down to zero tho.

Slow Seal has an odd obsession with a mediocre closer on a baseball team other than the one he roots for.

I really wish there was a way to figure out if the Redskins or Lions have the worst secondary. Perhaps one will pull away from the other in this category as the season goes on.

So, it sounds like C.J. Spiller is only out a week or two? The way he was acting I thought his collarbone had been snapped in half.

--Drew

Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady said...

Those texting commercials are the worst. The last words they write are always "ok" and "where are u" when you know the VAST majority of people in real life have "boner" and "key party" as their last phrases. BE REALISTIC!

That sucks, Seal. I thought there was no way he was playing last night. Luckily I was able to win in both of my leagues while ruining someone else's week. I guess the lesson is to never trust anybody ever when receiving fantasy suggestions from friends.

GMoney said...

Collarbone? The fuck is that? I only know it as a SHOULDER ACL.

Sorry to break it to you but Bonerz Barkley isn't going to happen for the Browns even if they are picking first.

Dut, you were playing the Twins, not the Tribe.

I usually leave my drive texts to yes, no, otw, and LOL. My dad likes to write fucking novels to me while he drives at high speeds. It makes no sense.

tlachey said...

I heart you too G$!

"The last words they write are always "ok" and "where are u" when you know the VAST majority of people in real life have "boner" and "key party" as their last phrases." True Statement, however I think they have to keep it PG for the FCC.

tlachey said...

"I usually leave my drive texts to yes, no, otw, and LOL. My dad likes to write fucking novels to me while he drives at high speeds. It makes no sense."

It keeps him young at heart, let him be.

Anonymous said...

Yes making another trip to Cleveland to watch that shit show has been called off for the time being.

Shurmur will be gone by the time we start 0-8. 0-16 is definitely possible. Look at the schedule. Who the hell are we gonna beat? It will be LOL worthy to watch this team play the at Balt and at NYG the next two weeks. God help us.

The Tickle Monsters will rise again, Drew.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

CJ Spiller owners are thanking their lucky stars today that he will not require tommy john for that shoulder ACL.

-Rex

GMoney said...

You heard it here first: the Browns play within a touchdown on Thursday night!

Anonymous said...

"The Tickle Monsters will rise again, Drew." -- Doubtful that you will rise again...I pretty much just castrated you.

--Drew

Brady said...

Oh I'm sure the Browns will play good enough to keep it close. Then Weeded will throw a crippling interception to guarantee we lose. I just want to see improvement at this point. God, I hated writing that but it's the truth. At least the Steelers lost. I don't see how they make the playoffs this year.

GMoney said...

Also worst: Dan Fouts who compared Antonio Brown's fumble recovery TD to "catching a greased pig at the county fair". Nice analogy, you bearded clam.

Boardwalk Empire convo:

*Rosetti is an ELITE villain.
*Eli > Nucky
*Nucky's wife is the worst; worse than Debra Morgan and Lori Grimes COMBINED
*I may have went too far there.

GMoney said...

And how many more weeks until The Waling Dead comes back? It's got to be less than a month. Those Monday afternoon zombie talks here give me the STREMPHiest internet erections.

Nate B. said...

Best quote from Boardwalk Empire yet comes from first season:


"What's a mother fucker?"

-Nucky

Anonymous said...

Worse than Debra Morgan and Lori Grimes combined. Bold claim Brady, she is unbearable, but that's saying a lot. Is she worse than Dani from the Shield too?

Is anyone else going to watch the new Michael Chiklis show (Vegas) on cbs tomorrow? I haven't watched a cbs show in well over a decade, I guess any show with Vic Mackey is worth a shot.

Buke

GMoney said...

I've got it set on the DVR. Not a season pass though. Just out of respect for Vic. One might say that I'm hungry...like the wolf.

Dani from The Shield is definitely the worst actress in the history of people being alive.

Anonymous said...

I won't watch Vegas. First, Dennis Quaid is Dennis Quaid. Second, I didn't watch that gay superhero movie he was in either. Third, it's CBS. Fourth, it's an old timey show about Vegas, right? There had better be some good old fashioned bigotry included, but I doubt there will be because, see reason three.

KSK reminded me of how great the Critic was. That show needs a reboot.

Ide