Monday, September 10, 2012

The Worst of Week One Vol.VI

Buke, please teach this guy how to properly raise the roof.
YES!  Real football is back!  Oh how sweet this is.  I've missed Scott Hanson so much.  Did you see that my Redskins fucking OWNED THE SUPERDOME?  I'll bet that you did see that.  I will talk way more about that later.  Yesterday, the local water park had their dog day before they closed for the season.  We took our dog there for the second year in a row.  Few things are more enjoyable than chucking your dog into the deep end of the pool and watching him doggy-paddle back to you.  It's very amusing.  I was the ELITE guy there that brought earbuds with me and was listening to the Redskins game the whole time.  If you thought that I would not make a scene during the call of Garcon's 88 yard touchdown catch (that he somehow hurt himself during because of course he would) then you do not know me at all.  REDSKINS FOOTBAW!  Like usual, though, not many players were as great and TRANSCENDENT as RG3 and I must call them out on there shittiness now.

Andrew Luck - That was a pretty disappointing debut for the chosen one.  Granted, the Bears have a legit defense but I wasn't expecting as many poor decisions as he had.  He'll be fine and all that, but he is not Bobby Griff.

Matt Forte fantasy owners - Expect to see way more Michael Bush touchdown vulturing.  And people wondered why I didn't draft any good running backs this year.  Running backs are a crap shoot.

Mike Vick and Shady McCoy - Not good.  These are the Eagles that I know and hate.  Way to completely ignore your best offensive weapon in lieu of more garbage Vick passes.

Brandon Weeden - Another rookie QB with an underwhelming debut.  He's still better than Colt McCoy.  Damman attended his first ever game at Browns Stadium yesterday featuring a 7 am start time for drinking.  How did that go?  Did you see Seal?

The Lions - You'll take the win, for sure, but how in the hell do you need a last second TD to beat the fucking Rams at home?  Pathetic.  Fat Stafford's celebratory sprinting was the LOL moment of the week.

Jake Locker - Dude, take a lesson from Denard, when you throw a pick, let someone else make the tackle.

Falcons doubters - Well, after week one, ATL and that passing game appear to be unstoppable.  Matty Ice was everything that we thought he could be yesterday.  Nice start to the fightin' MUDawgs.

Jags/Vikings - This game should not have been televised.  I will say that Vikings K Blair Walsh should be a member of DFL champion franchise, Blair White Power.

The Bills - Poor commenter Dan.  So many people picked Buffalo to turn the corner this year and that all ended yesterday when Fred Jackson's leg died on the field and they gave up half a hundred to Mark Sanchez.  On a positive note, CJ Spiller is leading the NFL in rushing!  The pick six that Fitzpatrick threw to Cromartie was the worst pass thrown this week.  At least he leads the league in something.

Ryan Tannehill - All you need to know about the team who will be drafting first next April is that Tannehill threw a 3 yard pass on 4th and 8.  These guys suck.

Rex Grossman - Deactivated yesterday!  Cousins is the #2!  How dare Shanahan treat El Sex Cannon like that!

Drew Brees - For a team that was apparently so U MAD BRO at Goodell, they sure didn't play like they had anything to prove yesterday.  The Skins defense looked really good except for that awful blocked punt and then in garbage time.  They were all over the field.  It was incredible.  I haven't seen our defense play like that since #21 was still OWNING the league.  Never forget #21.  His death was my 9/11.

RG3 H8RZ - OK, everyone, time to bow down.  Do you know how many home games the Saints lost last year?  The answer is "one less than they have already this year".  That was incredible.  We have been irrelevant for so fucking long (especially offensively) and now, as Dut said yesterday, the Redskins are fun to watch.  YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT THEY ARE.  I could not be happier right now.  Yesterday was almost perfect accept for the aforementioned pointless Garcon injury.  Alfred "ALF-MO" Morris appears to be a great find by Shanny.  I'm a little skeptical only because we play the Rams next week.  The old Skins would lose to them by double digits.  Hopefully, RG3 does what I want and fucking trucks STL.  I can't wait.  A consistently competent NFL team is everything that I've ever wanted.  And it appears that after 20 years, I just may have it again.  HAIL!  STRAIGHT!

The replacement refs - They were fine early but they were the scabbiest of butt scabs late.  Let's just ignore blocks in the back and cause Harbaugh's head to explode!  Seattle wants a FOURF timeout?  FUCK YEAH!  Bring back Booger.

Bill Simmons - What an awesome piece of shit NFL prediction diaper that he threw up on Friday!  Seattle to win the NFC!  Russell Wilson verbal BJ!  Yeah, sports douche, the Seahawks still blow and Wilson is not even close to being the most VISCERAL rookie QB.  Get fucked by Chuck Klosterman and go have another reality TV fantasy league.

Cam Juice - This beverage apparently can not be consumed in less than ideal weather.

Ryan Clark - I hope that the Steelers play in Denver every year.  I will never stop laughing at his lupus face.

The Packers - Still can't play defense and still can't run the ball.  Nothing has changed at all.  Oh sure, they'll still score a ton and win a lot of games, but they aren't a legit SB contender.  I said it.  You know it's true.

Randy Moss - Our last submission today because he is the one that I was most disappointed with.  Sure, he scored and all to show that he's back but whatever.  He was back in Green Bay...with Joe Buck on the call...WHERE WAS THE POOPING MIME!  The all-time greatest touchdown celebration should have been replicated!  You failed America, Randy Moss.

FANTASY! - My strategy of ignoring running backs seems to be off to a nice start.  Going into tonight, I am winning all four of my match-ups but will likely lose one of them.  I am going to beat Jeff in the DFL and Iceman in the MSFL and those two games were of extreme importance.

Finally, remember how some of you said that the Redskins were foolish for giving up a ton of picks for RGTHREELITE?  How do you like them apples that look an awful lot like my testicles?  WE SICK, U SUCK.  Enjoy Chris fucking Berman doing play by play for game 2 tonight.  God help us all.

38 comments:

Grumpy said...

RGIII was the best part of yesterday. Poised, confident and I don't remember a bad decision all day.

GMoney said...

So what you're trying to say is that he is ELITE???

The best part about yesterday was that I am now BACK to thinking SUPER BOWL!!!

A worst that I forgot: Vernon Davis getting Mutombo'd by the crossbar. So pathetic.

MuDawgfan said...

Atlanta put the rest of the NFC on notice. We aren't fucking around this year.

Defense looked like shit the first half, but they made some adjustments and Matt Cassell became Matt Cassell with some turnovers int he 2nd half. Next Monday night with the home opener against Denver is going to be flat out awesome.

Falcons vs. Niners in the NFC championship!

The state of Georgia pretty much raped the state of Missouri this weekend. SHOW ME STATE? SHOW ME TWO 20 POINT LOSSES BITCH!

Anonymous said...

Nice pick 6 last night, Rapist. Get fucked Grumps.

I did not run into Damman yesterday, but I definitely would like to hear what he thought of his first tailgating experience and Browns opener - as the tailgates here are pretty incredible.

I will be the first to say im jealous as fuck of RGIII - the trade is already worth it for you guys. Especially when I could have thrown less INT's than the Browns QB yesterday. We shouldnt even have been close to winning that game - our defense played incredible.

I know he didnt have a good day, but did you see the run TRich had where he literally blew someone up?

Its so fun to watch the Steelers lose on Primetime tv.

Seal

Jeff said...

Over reaction Monday...

Too bad we can't ever watch the Browns lose in primetime......

Philip Rivers will put up 50 tonight

Anonymous said...

Let's add the archaic "Yahoo Fantasy Football" that the G$FL uses to this worst list as all of their scores are compltely wrong this morning. How do you fuck that up on the first week? Ridiculous.

I had a bad feeling that the Lions were going to lose all week for soem reason, so I was very pleased with the W. I sure hope that 1st half was the worst half of football that Stafford will play all year. He was ELITE on that game-winning drive...just throwing lasers all over the field. My favorite two moments from the Lions game...

1.)Ndamukong broke through and had a straight open lane toward Sam Bradford. Bradford sees this and decides his best option is to just fall to the ground like a dead animal. Suh and Fairley were BEASTS yesterday.

2.) I noticed that 22 yr old Titus Young's name looked oddly long on the back of his jersey. Then I saw it....he is now "Titus Young Sr.".

Slow Seal...that Eagles player that got blown up by Richardson was former Buckeye Safety Kurt Coleman.

Grumpy...how do Peyton's balls taste?

RGIII was indeed bananas.

SCHWARTZ v. HARBAUGH II on Sunday night! I can't wait.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Maybe Weeden is color blind.

The Iceman said...

Remember you called a win for yourself when McFadden is dropping a 40 point turd in your pie hole, G$.

I think Weeden's QB rating yesterday was something like 5.1. It was impressively shitty. Hey...at least Weeden won't be 30 next season. Wait...

Is it time to give up on Greg Little yet? That guy has worse hands than Victor Cruz. Speaking of which, have you guys seen the commercial of Cruz where he is catching different electronics items out of a jugz machine? Well, I hope they had insurance on those items because in real life he drops half of those things.

G$ is LOLZ for thinking he has a starting fantasy RB in Morris. As a Redskins fan are you completely blind to the fact that Shanafucker will probably make Morris inactive next week for absolutely no reason. GOTTA KEEP EM GUESSIN'!!!

Anonymous said...

Todd Haley should run the ball more with that great O-line.

The Lions sucked, but the Old lions would not have won that game.

DeAngelo Williams should be dropped from all teams.

San Fran is the best team in the NFL.

RG3 is good but let's wait and see, but it's a good thing the Browns didn't pull the trigger on him. Weeden will suffice.

Ian better back door Dan or is he just that dumb?

Fantasy Football is ELITE!

----Lange

Anonymous said...

"Slow Seal...that Eagles player that got blown up by Richardson was former Buckeye Safety Kurt Coleman."

I know who it was - why do I care that is was Coleman?

Seal

Anonymous said...

If you knew who it was then why did you label him as "someone"?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Falcons vs. Niners in the NFC championship!--EXCUSE ME, let's make this a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH! HAIL!

Mike Adams, already benched by the Steelers, was forced to action last night and responded by being even more horrible than you can possibly imagine. THIS GUY SUCKS.

Jim vs. Jim 2 will be some tremendous television. Hell, even the MNF of DEN/ATL next week with Thursday's CHI/GB ashould be some ELITE primetime viewing.

ALF-MO is going to be in there as long as he doesn't fumble. I HAVE to believe that he is a starter only because I hate Shonn Greene.

McFadden isn't doing shit. Never forget that you are a terrible fantasy player.

Ian definitely SHOULD backdoor Dan, but he won't. He is still in awe over his pep talk from Rachel.

GMoney said...

Because Coleman sucks and doesn't warrant mention on a fine site such as this one???

The Iceman said...

Anyone who's kicker is currently his second highest fantasy scorer is in no position to be criticizing anyone when it comes to fantasy football. DIRTY DARREN!!

Prime99 said...

Shane-O-Mac just decided to make a 4-way Hell In A Cell by adding the Bears to the mix. After starting the game in awful fashion, the Bears offense showed that it is explosive and I couldn't be more excited for Thursday...

Cutler's pass to Alshon Jeffrey was ELITE.

Who thinks Nate Kaeding has one extra point in him to beat Ace?

The Niners game was fantastic. VD's celebration reminded him of that old Sprite commercial- "Grant Hill drinks Sprite?" Then the kid trie to drunk and gets annihilated by the rim.

Having the NFL back is the motherfucking best.

GMoney said...

Iceman, you can have your D-Mac. AJ and Gates will be more than enough to send you to the State College showers as a loser once again. You want to talk shit about my boy, D-Ake? Get a load of this text convo after his 63 yard bomb yesterday:

Me: That is exactly why I stole Akers from you.
Grumpy: Fuck you.

He didn't even give me a piece of hard candy!

4 way NFC Title game Hell In A Cell with the Bears, Niners, Skins, and Falcons? WHO WOULDN'T WATCH THAT!!!

Based on what we've seen this weekend, how ELITE is that Redskins/Cowboys Thanksgiving game going to be??? Is it Texans/Lions, too? Damn, that is going to be one epic day.

Anonymous said...

I felt bad for the Bills fans yesterday. It seemed like they were instantly down 21-0 and Ryan Fitzpatrick looked atrocious. Just a terrible performance.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

3-0 fantasy weekend. Playoffs in baseball.

Ide

Anonymous said...

The Browns tailgate experience was indeed a great time and the best part of the day. GSaul and I did not get there till 9 though. GSaul tried to snake some broad from the tailgate next to ours. Only problem is, the broad's boyfriend was there (and wearing a Brady Quinn jersey so he deserved it). This did not phase him though. The BF was not pleased, but the wearing of the Quinn jersey along with a straight bill backwards hat made him very non-threatening and he didn't do anything about it.

Ape was also there, but he did not bring any tofu tacos. Very disappointing. All in all, the tailgate experience was a blast.

As for the game, can we get a fucking quarterback for once? Bernie fucking Kosar was our last one with a pulse. The 5.1 QB rating was the lowest for a debut in the NFL since 1960. ELITE! I know it's only one game but my god did he look terrible, Not much to build for next week.

-Damman

GMoney said...

The Browns two first round picks had a 5.1 QB rating (but what was his Dilfer rating!!!) and needed 19 carries to get 39 yards. Shurmur and Childress in 2012!

Ape sucks.

The Iceman said...

Green isn't smart enough to get your team big fantasy points tonight. It's because he plays in Cincy (Cowherdism) and because he's black (Ideism). Gates sprained a toe ligament getting out of the shower 3 days ago (because black people only shower twice a week - another Ideism) so he's already going to be limited tonight. That should be more than enough juice to take the RIGHTFUL win tonight.

GMoney said...

Oh yeah? Well D-Mac grew up without a father so you know that he is a TERRIBLE LEADER! You've been trumped by the ultimate Cowherd-ism.

I finally figured out why The Sex Cannon was not active yesterday. Follow me here...Shanahan knew that beating the Saints was going to be easy and didn't want to show his hand. You see, the Skins are about to one-up the Jets with our Cannoncat package that completely takes the league by storm and semen. It's the only possible explanation.

Brady said...

The Browns lost in the most Browns way ever. I can't fault the defense for anything. They played an amazing game despite giving up that 90 yard drive with the game on the line. Shit, they were on the field for almost double the time the Eagles D was. I'm semi-encourged with that side of the ball.

Weeded was fucking awful. I'm sure glad Shurmur didn't see any reason to give him more than 5 quarters in the preseason to get get ready. Fucking retard. I'm not jumping ship after one game but he HAS to show improvement in week 2. It didn't help that the O line was non existent. I thought that was supposed to be a strength of this team.

I'm losing both fantasy matchups too. If it weren't for the Buckeyes, this weekend would've been a complete disaster.

GMoney said...

Brady, even they weren't that great but that is likely a topic for tomorrow.

Prime99 said...

Or maybe Shanahan's daughter was in the stands for the game and he didn't want her falling prey to the man with the most machiesmo this side of Glenn Danzig. He had to deactivate Sexy Rexy for his daughter's sake!!!

The Iceman said...

NO COLLEGE FOOTBAWWW TALK TODAY, FAGGOTS!

Anonymous said...

So Titus Young headbutted someone yesterday? Just another asshole thug on that Lions team... Suh probably high fived him after.

GMoney said...

Anonymous Lions Hate! I like it!

Also from yesterday, Jermichael Finley fucking sucks.

Anonymous said...

Good enough to secure me a victory.

Ide

GMoney said...

We must be in a league that rewards drops quite heavily.

Prime99 said...

I need 7.5 from Gresham tonight for a win in one league... C'mon ginger Dalton- give him the motherfucking ball!!!!

Anonymous said...

Anybody that comes here anonymously has a gaping vagina, so it's not surprising that they would make a comment like that.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I enjoy Lions hate. It's only a matter of time before Drew and I get the shit talking started for Bears v. Lions. Related note, I'm happy there are no Packer fans actively commenting here.

Anonymous said...

Prime...I thoroughly enjoy seeing the Fudge Packers at the bottom of the division. It will look even better next week when the Lions take out the 49ers in the Jim Bowl!

Fred Jackson is out at least a month and Bills TE David Nelson is out for the year. BuffaLOL.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Who needs Fred Jackson when you have NFL LEADING RUSHER CJ SPILLER!!!

If you were wondering, Garcon is fine and should play next week. By the way, TWO Mount Union guys scored touchdowns this week. There is a reason why Ide wanted Larry Kehres to be Ohio State's football coach!

If you want to hate a Packers fan, see if Mr. Ace will let Mrs. Ace start commenting here. I'm pretty sure that she is a Favretard.

Anonymous said...

I'd rather suck cocks for the rest of my life than marry a female Packers fan.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

"I'd rather suck cocks for the rest of my life than marry a female Packers fan."

awesome comment Drew as im pretty sure I have said this exact line multiple times about female Steelers fans...

Seal

Anonymous said...

Look at these beautiful ladies!!

http://chicagotough.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/packers-fans-of-the-day.jpg

--Drew