|Buke, please teach this guy how to properly raise the roof.|
Andrew Luck - That was a pretty disappointing debut for the chosen one. Granted, the Bears have a legit defense but I wasn't expecting as many poor decisions as he had. He'll be fine and all that, but he is not Bobby Griff.
Matt Forte fantasy owners - Expect to see way more Michael Bush touchdown vulturing. And people wondered why I didn't draft any good running backs this year. Running backs are a crap shoot.
Mike Vick and Shady McCoy - Not good. These are the Eagles that I know and hate. Way to completely ignore your best offensive weapon in lieu of more garbage Vick passes.
Brandon Weeden - Another rookie QB with an underwhelming debut. He's still better than Colt McCoy. Damman attended his first ever game at Browns Stadium yesterday featuring a 7 am start time for drinking. How did that go? Did you see Seal?
The Lions - You'll take the win, for sure, but how in the hell do you need a last second TD to beat the fucking Rams at home? Pathetic. Fat Stafford's celebratory sprinting was the LOL moment of the week.
Jake Locker - Dude, take a lesson from Denard, when you throw a pick, let someone else make the tackle.
Falcons doubters - Well, after week one, ATL and that passing game appear to be unstoppable. Matty Ice was everything that we thought he could be yesterday. Nice start to the fightin' MUDawgs.
Jags/Vikings - This game should not have been televised. I will say that Vikings K Blair Walsh should be a member of DFL champion franchise, Blair White Power.
The Bills - Poor commenter Dan. So many people picked Buffalo to turn the corner this year and that all ended yesterday when Fred Jackson's leg died on the field and they gave up half a hundred to Mark Sanchez. On a positive note, CJ Spiller is leading the NFL in rushing! The pick six that Fitzpatrick threw to Cromartie was the worst pass thrown this week. At least he leads the league in something.
Ryan Tannehill - All you need to know about the team who will be drafting first next April is that Tannehill threw a 3 yard pass on 4th and 8. These guys suck.
Rex Grossman - Deactivated yesterday! Cousins is the #2! How dare Shanahan treat El Sex Cannon like that!
Drew Brees - For a team that was apparently so U MAD BRO at Goodell, they sure didn't play like they had anything to prove yesterday. The Skins defense looked really good except for that awful blocked punt and then in garbage time. They were all over the field. It was incredible. I haven't seen our defense play like that since #21 was still OWNING the league. Never forget #21. His death was my 9/11.
RG3 H8RZ - OK, everyone, time to bow down. Do you know how many home games the Saints lost last year? The answer is "one less than they have already this year". That was incredible. We have been irrelevant for so fucking long (especially offensively) and now, as Dut said yesterday, the Redskins are fun to watch. YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT THEY ARE. I could not be happier right now. Yesterday was almost perfect accept for the aforementioned pointless Garcon injury. Alfred "ALF-MO" Morris appears to be a great find by Shanny. I'm a little skeptical only because we play the Rams next week. The old Skins would lose to them by double digits. Hopefully, RG3 does what I want and fucking trucks STL. I can't wait. A consistently competent NFL team is everything that I've ever wanted. And it appears that after 20 years, I just may have it again. HAIL! STRAIGHT!
The replacement refs - They were fine early but they were the scabbiest of butt scabs late. Let's just ignore blocks in the back and cause Harbaugh's head to explode! Seattle wants a FOURF timeout? FUCK YEAH! Bring back Booger.
Bill Simmons - What an awesome piece of shit NFL prediction diaper that he threw up on Friday! Seattle to win the NFC! Russell Wilson verbal BJ! Yeah, sports douche, the Seahawks still blow and Wilson is not even close to being the most VISCERAL rookie QB. Get fucked by Chuck Klosterman and go have another reality TV fantasy league.
Cam Juice - This beverage apparently can not be consumed in less than ideal weather.
Ryan Clark - I hope that the Steelers play in Denver every year. I will never stop laughing at his lupus face.
The Packers - Still can't play defense and still can't run the ball. Nothing has changed at all. Oh sure, they'll still score a ton and win a lot of games, but they aren't a legit SB contender. I said it. You know it's true.
Randy Moss - Our last submission today because he is the one that I was most disappointed with. Sure, he scored and all to show that he's back but whatever. He was back in Green Bay...with Joe Buck on the call...WHERE WAS THE POOPING MIME! The all-time greatest touchdown celebration should have been replicated! You failed America, Randy Moss.
FANTASY! - My strategy of ignoring running backs seems to be off to a nice start. Going into tonight, I am winning all four of my match-ups but will likely lose one of them. I am going to beat Jeff in the DFL and Iceman in the MSFL and those two games were of extreme importance.
Finally, remember how some of you said that the Redskins were foolish for giving up a ton of picks for RGTHREELITE? How do you like them apples that look an awful lot like my testicles? WE SICK, U SUCK. Enjoy Chris fucking Berman doing play by play for game 2 tonight. God help us all.