Wednesday, September 05, 2012

The Money Shot Predicts the NFL Season

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
I just don't understand how 'Ol Ginger Dick Roger Goodell can keep talking about how player safety is so fucking important and then do very little about it.  I mean, seriously, quit playing chicken with the referees already.  I always thought that these guys (especially Jerome Bogar) were fucking awful but these scabs are just pathetic.  Someone is going to get killed out there.  And if concussions are such a big problem then why aren't those new wave helmets that lessen impact mandatory?  Goodell is a fucking piece of shit.  What a liar.  Anyway, onto my legendary predictions for the season.

AFC East: New England 15-1 Buffalo 8-8 New York Jets 7-9 Miami 4-12
Reasoning: It's not fair that the Patriots are sick and then get the easiest schedule in the league the following year.  I always feel like my team constantly gets a shitty schedule.  I was going to pick the Bills to make the playoffs but they cut Vince Young.  You can't have a Dream Team without VY.  The Jets are fucking awful.  They literally have zero talent on offense.  Miami keeps trading players away for late future picks because they are run horribly.  If you've watched Hard Knocks, how incompetent is Jeff Ireland?  Ryan Tannehill thinks that the Chiefs are in the NFC East.  He is a fucking retard.

AFC North: Baltimore 11-5 Cincinnati 9-7 Pittsburgh 9-7 Cleveland 3-13
Reasoning: Joe Flacco thinks that he ELITE.  He is not but he is good at not fucking over the rest of the team.  I can't wait for Ed Reed and Ray Lewis to go away for good.  I like the Bengals and the Steelers are the Steelers (white trash and gay and good at football) but their schedules this year are tough.  The world will not allow the Bengals to make the playoffs two years in a row.  Pittsburgh's revamped OL is already in shambles.  Todd Haley is an asshole.  The Browns need to be shit (not like they have a choice) just so they can get rid of this awful coaching staff.  I will never forget hearing about some local yokel calling into a radio show after a game last year hell-bent on Pat Shurmur being actually retarded.  ELITE phone call!

AFC South: Houston 10-6 Indianapolis 9-7* Tennessee 7-9 Jacksonville 3-13
Reasoning:  The Texans won this shit division last year with some fag named Yates as their QB.  They will walk through it again.  I LOVE the Colts this year.  Have you been watching Andrew Luck?  Dude is already nasty.  With their new head coach being the DC from the Ravens, I expect a HUGE turnaround season for the Fat Humps.  Jake Locker is going to be awesome at completing 45% of his passes.  I hate the Titans because they have the worst uniforms in the league.  The Jags should just call themselves the LOLS.

AFC West: Kansas City 10-6 Denver 9-7* Oakland 7-9 San Diego 6-10
Reasoning:  The Chiefs are my "pick to click" this year.  How did the last coach fired by the Browns but given a second chance fair?  HAIL ROMEO!  Sure, Matt Cassel sucks but I love Charles and Hillis as Power & Glory (ELITE WWF tag team reference!) and Dwayne Bowe is playing for a pay day.  I want Denver to fail miserably but Peyton is an asshole that can not be killed.  He'll figure out a way.  Actually, you know what, I'll flip that last wild card spot to the Steelers if they win on Sunday night.  If not, it stays with the ponies.  The Raiders employ Terrelle Pryor and Matt Leinart.  This is the year that Norval finally gets shit-canned.  Can you believe that that guy has had THREE head coaching jobs?  Awful.

NFC East: New York Giants 11-5 Philadelphia 10-6 Washington 8-8 Dallas 7-9
Reasoning:  When was the last time that the defending Super Bowl champion was largely ignored by the media?  The Giants lost almost nothing and drafted well.  I like how Jeff Lurie finally gave Andy Reid's fat ass an ultimatum.  After years of being a horrible dad, blowing the 2 minute drill, wasting challenges, and general awfulness, Reid should be on the hot seat.  I can't wait for the Redskins season.  I literally have no idea what to expect with all of these new playmakers on offense and finally a stud QB.  So I'm just going to take the easy way out and pick a .500 season.  The Cowboys window is closed.  Oh, they got new cornerbacks?  It's a shame that they are poorly coached and horribly quarterbacked.  Put in Kyle Orton.

NFC North: Green Bay 13-3 Chicago 11-5* Detroit 9-7 Minnesota 2-14
Reasoning: The Packers still have a lot of warts on defense but they'll be able to outscore everyone in the regular season.  That isn't going to change.  They probably aren't good enough to win the loaded NFC though.  I like the Bears this year.  I truly believe that Cutler to B-Marsh is going to be magic.  This could be the last good run for that aging defense and I like Prime so I'm calling for Chicago to go to the playoffs.  When was the last time that a team lead the offseason in arrests and then made the playoffs?  I have no idea so I'll just assume that the Lions won't make the playoffs two years in a row because that just sounds outrageous.  There is literally no reason to pay attention to the Vikings this year.  I have 5 fantasy teams and not one Viking is on any of my rosters.

NFC South: Atlanta 10-6 Carolina 10-6* New Orleans 9-7 Tampa Bay 6-10
Reasoning: Everyone keeps saying that the Falcons are the breakthrough team this year due to their collection of sick skill players on offense and finally some good corners.  I'll buy it, too, I suppose.  Do you remember when Panthers OT Ryan Kalil guaranteed that the Panthers would win the Super Bowl this year?  I like the bravado!  I'm not going to go as far as he did but I'll pick them for the playoffs nonetheless.  I heart Ace Boogie.  The Saints seem to want to rally around how much they hate the Commish but it isn't going to be enough.  You know how Ohio State is having a "red-shirt" year?  So are the Saints.  Tampa is a year away and I actually like them this year but the South is just so tough.  They will be way more competitive this year.  I like Doug Martin to put up a very legit rookie season.

NFC West: San Francisco 9-7 Seattle 8-8 Arizona 6-10 St. Louis 4-12
Reasoning: The NFC West is just so boring to talk about.  The Niners have a much tougher schedule this time around.  They'll win the division, but it won't be pretty.  I'm going to Seattle for my birthday later this month and the Seahawks, Mariners, and UW are all on the road or playing the Thursday night ESPN game that weekend.  Weak.  I'm trying to convince Prime to make the THIRTEEN hour drive north to watch football with me on Sunday though.  ELITE!  I don't like Petey C going to Rusty W though.  You can win the west with a veteran presence like Flynn; you aren't going to with a rookie.  Larry Fitz should demand a trade.  The Rams have over 60% of their roster this year who were not on the team last year. 

Awards: No one cares about individual awards in the NFL.

Conference Finals: New England over Kansas City and Atlanta over Chicago.
Super Bowl: New England over Atlanta.  I feel dirty picking the Patriots.  Yet I love what they did in the draft on defense and that offense will always dominate.

I'm actually sneaking out of work early today because I have my final fantasy draft tonight back in Nap at 7.  The season starts at 8:30.  It makes no sense at all.  We're going to be still picking players in the 2nd quarter of the first game.  DUMB.  Iceman makes his triumphant return tomorrow so at least you have that to not look forward to.

60 comments:

Grumpy said...

You're the biggest schmuck in the world. You are dead to me in this game.

GMoney said...

What game? I picked your head hunters to have a winning season, just not good enough of one.

Last year, the overall records (added up by Ide) were 20 games under .500. Someone do it again and see how I did.

My MSFL team is hot fucking garbage. But I stand behind my Sproles for $30 pick.

Anonymous said...

I unfortunately went with the Pats to win it all this year as well.

The Browns don't win 3 games this year, go look at their schedule. 3 is being nice.

Over/Under on what week Shurmer is fired? I'll set the line at week 10 and I think that's right on. He really is a fucking retard.

Seal

GMoney said...

By the way, I think that it is a great idea to have the Cowboys get smoked as the opening game. I hate the Dallas Cowboys.

Grumpy said...

Not your predictions. Upping my bid on a K last night. Bush league, no class move. There will be pay back.

Anonymous said...

Team Gooddell.

Lions will make the playoffs for two years in a row...because even tho that's outrageous...the Lions are an outrageous team.

LOLZ @ how good of a season you think Indy is going to have.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Hey, did anyone see the Bingles going nuts last year with a soft schedule, rookie QB, and decent defense? Andrew Luck says...COOKIECOOKIECOOKIE

David Akers is worth the up-bid. He scores 100 points per week. Don't worry though, you still have Chris Rainey who I'm told is about to break every record ever set in the NFL.

Anonymous said...

Who the fuck is K? I don't know your Steeler jargon, Grumpy.

-Damman

MUDawgfan said...

Absolutely nothing is better than NFL/NCAA post game call in shows.

They take so many calls and half of the people calling in are drunk and angry after the game.

I drove back to Atlanta after UGA beat UT in 2005 and some dumbass called in saying that UT should fire Fulmer on Monday morning at 8:00am and offer Barry Switzer a blank check to come and save the Vols program. Hilarious.

Falcons post game call in shows used to feature the drunkest black guys in town. Trying to understand what they were saying was like watching an episode of the Boondocks on 3x fast forward with the volume turned up to max.


Anonymous said...

Oh and I forgot to congratulate Drew on the Tigers two big wins in a row against a tough Indians squad. Oh wait...

Seal

Anonymous said...

The Tigers pissing down their legs against the likes of Brent Lillibridge, Jack Hannahan and Russ Canzler has indeed been hilarious.

So Grumpy is pissed because he was outbid for kicker?

-Damman

Prime99 said...

First off, great draft last night. I got decently drunk on Tuesday night, while drafting a good team (only Damman's team is "projected" to score higher), and chatting with Internet/childhood friends. Be proud of yourselves.

Wow, G$- are you putting he reverse hex on the Bears? Now that I'm the proud "owner" of Brandon Marshall in the MSFL, I can fully agree win you that the Cutler/Marshall combo will be like staring directly at Kate Upton's tits- beautiful.

The THIRTEEN hour drive is probably not happening, though I definitely considered going up there. You mean to tell me that Sacramento wasn't higher than Seattle on your places to vacation list? Ridiculous. We could've hung out with KJ!

The Pats may get there, but their O-Line is suspect. Every contending NFC team would bend that O-Line over rail it until Tom Brady was no more.

Grump, Damman bid up my selection of Seabass, so I let him have him. I then got Nate Kaeding for a buck. If you wanted Akers, then it was worth it, not a big deal.

Prime99 said...

Also, you guys seriously like rum over whiskey?

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal...where were you yesterday?

Damman...it's equally funny when the Twins score about 500 runs on the White Sox, so they gain no ground on the Tigers.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I think Prime's feelings were seriously hurt over no one liking whiskey. Just like Ace is TOTES jelly about my new Internet friendship with Prime.

I'll give you this, Prime. Honey whiskey is do-able. Everything else takes like hobo piss.

Agree about the Bears over the Lions in the playoffs. If Cutler doesn't puss out last year the Bears make it over the Lions anyway. Bears only got better in the offseason while the Lions got more arrested.

Steelers will be lucky to make the playoffs this year. That O-line is super shitty and it's only a matter of time before Raper can't rape his way out of defenders jailbreaking that terrible terrible O-line.

I like the Colts too...just not as much as G$ does. I think 6 wins isn't out of the question.

Browns are winning zero games and it will be over by half time every single week. That team is so fucking bad.

$30 for Darren Sproles is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life. Keep in mind I paid $33 and $35 for Murray and McFadden last night. LOLZ, indeed.

GMoney said...

Stop the baseball talk. We'll get to all of our team's horribleness on Friday and boy is my team terrible.

Yeah, finding out that Iceman prefers fucking RUM over the ELITE whisky was disheartening.

Dawg, I love your tales about dumb Atlanta residents.

Prime, I REALLY wanted to pick the Chiefs to win the AFC but I just couldn't. So the Pats win by default, I guess, OL be damned.

GMoney said...

See you in the MSFL basement, Ice! And everyone loves whisky but you.

Darren Sproles is ELITE in PPR leagues. I stand by that. I also stand by Shonn Greene, Shane Vereen, Felix Jones, Evan Royster, and Alfred Morris though so don't listen to me.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on whiskey, Prime. Rum is for twats.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

Iceman has th pallet of a 15 year old girl. Enjoy your honey whiskey and Malibu rum- LOLZ!

Prime99 said...

The* pallet.

The Iceman said...

I don't recall ever saying that I prefer Rum over Whiskey. Both can get fucked. I'll stick with beer...or Jager shots with Greg Oden's elephant cock.

This is my redemption year in the M$FL, G$. Whoever the unfortunate loser was that picked me to be in their conference is in for a world of shit. Because I'm literally going to show up and throw my shit at them.

The Iceman said...

What is LOLZ is listening to 30 year old guys discuss the enjoyable taste of whiskey like they are 75 year old Nam vets. Get real, dude. Do you have a smoking jacket too, Heff? We can sit down with a Cuban while drinking 3 fingers of Maker's Mark and discuss the international arms race between Syria and Iran. I'll stick to beer and dick and fart jokes, thanks.

Anonymous said...

Are we talking about drinking Whiskey or Rum straight or mixed? The only time I prefer rum is when it is spiced rum mixed with Coke. Other than that, give me the whiskey any day of the week. Whiskey is a man's drink and I think less of Iceman (which I did not think was possible) because he does not like it.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

G$,

What do you have in store for Friday? Power Rankings of the MSFL?

-Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

I wish I had a smoking jacket and a grotto full of naked chicks.

Jäger is the licorice of hard alcohol.

GMoney said...

Probably a short post where everyone can bitch about how their baseball teams are garbage. I've got a lot on my mind about how Russell Martin is the worst player to ever "play" the game.

"I'll stick to beer and dick"--Iceman, Uncle T, and Shook's Son

Ide picked you after I took Grumpy #1 in the division draw. You were the #2 pick. You are the MSFL's RG3! Lots of white chicks for you!

GMoney said...

Do I sense an open forum post in the future regarding hard liquor???

GMoney said...

I meant Li'l Strut. Not Ide. Fling poo in his direction.

Anonymous said...

Lil' Strut is spot on like usual...

" Whiskey is a man's drink and I think less of Iceman (which I did not think was possible) because he does not like it."

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Wild Turkey American Honey. Two shots before bedtime. Depresses the erectile function, but I sleep like a baby.

The Steelers will make the playoffs because that is what they do. The OL is actually better than the one that went to their last Super Bowl.

Anonymous said...

This talk of people still drinking Jager is pure faggotry. In the immortal words of Eric Murphy, "I stopped drinking Jagar in high school."

Whisky is the original mans drink amd will continue as such. Need proof? Justified, Deadwood, and Ron fucking Swanson say so.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide quoted Entourage. WHAT A FAG!

Anonymous said...

FACT: I automatically gain a little respect for a man when I find out he drinks GOOD whiskey or scotch. It tells me he cares about quality and he is not a pussy.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Vodka>whiskey>rum. I also still enjoy a giant jäger bomb or 10. There is no better hangover cure than a jäger bomb. Its that simple folks. However, I will never turn down anything that's put in my face.

Browns will have the first pick next year and will be forced to pass on Barkley. What a shit franchise.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Yeah I meant to put a footnote on that. If the biggest gash on an ok show says that. It holds water.

The Iceman said...

HAHAHA! You faggots are so fucking pretentious. Listen to yourselves. You sound like a bunch of fucking stock brokers. I could put 5 different unlabled whiskeys in front of every last one of you fuckers and not one of you could tell me the brand you're drinking. Go read the Wall Street Journal and pretend to understand it, douche bags.

"However, I will never turn down anything that's put in my face"

I see a lot of naked cocks being put in Dut's face in the future.

GMoney said...

And the present...especially the past.

Good point on the hypocrisy of an asshole like LS. I'm a cheap beer guy myself. Not Natty Light cans, per se like Drew, but I don't waste money on stupid microbrews either.

Anonymous said...

"You faggots are so fucking pretentious. Listen to yourselves. You sound like a bunch of fucking stock brokers. I could put 5 different unlabled whiskeys in front of every last one of you fuckers and not one of you could tell me the brand you're drinking."

Wanna fucking bet? I'm the guy who has a barrel of Maker's Mark named after me at the distillery (it's free and they invite you down when its ready to dip in the wax and have personalized labels (tits!)), and who has been on the bourbon trail many times. You throw 5 whiskys in front of me that I know of (no Old Crow please), I will knock them down.

Congress officially recognized bourbon as the official spirit of the US. So if you don't like it, go back to Russia comrade.

Dut liking vodka is totally fitting. "I'll have what she's having."

Ide

Anonymous said...

Ice,

I may not be able to identify the brand, but I could sure as shit tell the difference between a good whiskey and a bad one. I could also tell the difference between an aged one and one that has not aged very long. I, too, have been on the Bourbon Trail, which taught me an awful lot to the point where I would gladly pay an extra $10-$20 for a good bottle of whiskey. Go shoot some buttery nipples, faggot.

-Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

Ice, is your favorite hard liquor Crrs Light?

I could tell the difference between Jack, Marker's and Crown. Gentleman Jack is my normal whiskey of choice (and what I drank last night during the draft.)

I'm glad no one has brought up tequila has a contender. It is not.

The Iceman said...

Beer = Buttery Nipples. I can see how you would confuse the two with your "highly educated whiskey palate" that tastes on a much more pristine level than us white trash beer drinkin' folk. Fuck off, you booze snob. Almost as bad as a music snob.

Anonymous said...

Ice,

Don't get it confused. I drink my fair share of beer, too. Just because I enjoy a higher quality of drink does not make me a snob. You failure to understand that makes you narrow-minded and ignorant.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

Staunchly defending your choice of a "higher quality whiskey" while calling me ignorant and narrow-minded because I don't grasp how classy of a move this is? Saying you have more respect for someone who enjoys a better quality of booze than someone who doesn't? Yeah...that makes you a liquor snob...unless I'm way wrong on the definition of snob.

Anonymous said...

I think its situational, as a drinker of all you can appreciate every form of alcohol...

Football Saturdays - Any beer will do, Natti Ice all the way to a micro brew, as long as its a brew it shouldn't matter. I like them all, I pick based on mood and duration of drinking.

Going out with co-workers or clients, you better be able to drink straight Whiskey if you don't want to look like a clown...and most whiskey drinkers should be able to tell the difference between bourbon, scotch, and something else just based on taste. Good whiskeys are a great drink once you've crossed the threshold of knowing the difference.

Beach Vacation - You know its pina colada time.

Date nights/trying to impress a girl - any red wine will do....

And the always clutch go to, Gin/Vodka and Soda. Pretty universal drink if you ask me.

Sounds like we need a post....

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Ide is full of shit. That is all. DURR I can taste the oak in this whiskey! No you can't; get fucked. A guy that drinks PBR and Schlitz is not a whiskey expert, too.

Endless Dolphin GIF has caused over ten million seizures. FACT.

Also: I'M THE GUY THAT MAKER'S MARK NAMED A WHISKEY AFTER BUT THEY DO THAT FOR EVERYONE FOR NO CHARGE SO THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT OR RELEVANT AT ALL!!!

The Iceman said...

Endless Dolphin GIF made me puke in my crotch. DOUBLE FACT.

Prime99 said...

Liquor/Alcohol Fight Club should be a thing.

Anonymous said...

You're saying there is no inherent taste difference between charcoal and oak? You're fucking high. J Saul hit it right on the nose. Once you cross the threshold of drinking Jameson and Crown, you can notice the difference in what you're drinking. Just like those wine snobs, except not gay. Some scotches taste like you're drinking algae out of a swamp. You can certainly taste how it's distilled differently than say a white trash Jack Daniels.

Whiskey has been my go to beverage for around six years now. True, I do drink a shitload of PBR and Schlitz (mostly pbr now, Schlitz isn't popular up here), because I am a man of the people. However, you see me drink at the Stube, mostly. At no point in my life will you see me order top shelf at the fucking Stube.

Happy hour, or at dinner with co-workers, you'd better believe its a bourbon on the rocks, though I have become a huge fan of Old-fashions lately. I still will drink a micro brew from time to time, but I find that is more dependent on the location these days.

For instance, this Saturday, I drank Coors Light (ugh, blame baby Buke) for the game, Sam Adams Oktoberfest after, and Maker's Mark on the rocks at the strip club at night. Parse that out, if you must. My drinking is ELITE.

Ide

GMoney said...

JSaul and Ide are pretty much Frasier and Niles Crane. Iceman is the dad with the dog and the shitty chair. This site just turned into an episode of Frasier.

I bet that Parrish will watch.

Anonymous said...

I don't know why I believe Ide...but, I do.

Also, Iceman can suck a dick for thinking that someone that's 30 can't do a successful whiskey taste test. I can't, but there is no doubt many can.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Frank Caliendo to ESPN. Almost as bad a troll move as taking Shonn Greene last night.

Ide

GMoney said...

Why you gotta make me cry? NOT COOL BRAH.

The Iceman said...

I would love the chance to test this out sometime, Drew. There's nothing quite like making an elitist look fucking stupid. I proposed this challenge to 10 people in college but with beer instead of whiskey. All beer snobs that swore they could taste the difference between 5 major label brews. All failed. And miserably. Moral of the story is that most times people aren't as smart as they claim to be...so there's no need to be an uppity asshole about it.

Anonymous said...

Ice,

The respecting a man more, overall, because he drinks good whiskey was mainly a joke, because I am sure there a plenty of assholes who drink good whiskey. However, I do respect a man's taste in liquor more if he is able to tell the difference and appreciate higher quality whiskey. I think anyone who appreciates good whiskey would.

Moreover, if we draw parallels between your argument that insisting on higher quality makes you a snob, then would someone who insists on choice beef rather than select cuts be a snob? Would someone who insists on a $20 bottle of wine over Franzia box wine be a snob? Would someone who insists on Hawks Pizza over Lefty's Pizza be a snob?

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I will clarify on my earlier claim. I did this once before and it was between Jack, Crown, and Maker's. I knew the liquors involved and passed. I could do that all day. Now picking 5 at random and having me choose over a list of however many wont happen. But if i knew the players in the game, I bet I could make a run.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Speaking as a (borderline) alcoholic and avid whiskey drinker...Good insight from Frasier, Niles, and Prime. G$ and Ice are obviously clueless about this topic.

Buke

GMoney said...

I only drink El Toro, Four Loko, and Evan Williams. I could not tell the difference between any of them. EXPERT!

I don't hate those with refined pallets. I just hate Ide.

Tell me more about this box wine!

Anonymous said...

Best thing with box wine is playing a game called "slap the bag". You rip the bag of wine out of the box and then pour it into people's mouths until they slap the bag that they can't drink anymore.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

"Would someone who insists on Hawks Pizza over Lefty's Pizza be a snob?"

Now you're speaking my language! HAWKS IS KING!!!

Damman plays a different game of "slap the bag". It involves a colostomy bag since all the women he fucks have them.

Anonymous said...

Those are called troughs, Iceman.

Ide