AFC East: New England 15-1 Buffalo 8-8 New York Jets 7-9 Miami 4-12
Reasoning: It's not fair that the Patriots are sick and then get the easiest schedule in the league the following year. I always feel like my team constantly gets a shitty schedule. I was going to pick the Bills to make the playoffs but they cut Vince Young. You can't have a Dream Team without VY. The Jets are fucking awful. They literally have zero talent on offense. Miami keeps trading players away for late future picks because they are run horribly. If you've watched Hard Knocks, how incompetent is Jeff Ireland? Ryan Tannehill thinks that the Chiefs are in the NFC East. He is a fucking retard.
AFC North: Baltimore 11-5 Cincinnati 9-7 Pittsburgh 9-7 Cleveland 3-13
Reasoning: Joe Flacco thinks that he ELITE. He is not but he is good at not fucking over the rest of the team. I can't wait for Ed Reed and Ray Lewis to go away for good. I like the Bengals and the Steelers are the Steelers (white trash and gay and good at football) but their schedules this year are tough. The world will not allow the Bengals to make the playoffs two years in a row. Pittsburgh's revamped OL is already in shambles. Todd Haley is an asshole. The Browns need to be shit (not like they have a choice) just so they can get rid of this awful coaching staff. I will never forget hearing about some local yokel calling into a radio show after a game last year hell-bent on Pat Shurmur being actually retarded. ELITE phone call!
AFC South: Houston 10-6 Indianapolis 9-7* Tennessee 7-9 Jacksonville 3-13
Reasoning: The Texans won this shit division last year with some fag named Yates as their QB. They will walk through it again. I LOVE the Colts this year. Have you been watching Andrew Luck? Dude is already nasty. With their new head coach being the DC from the Ravens, I expect a HUGE turnaround season for the Fat Humps. Jake Locker is going to be awesome at completing 45% of his passes. I hate the Titans because they have the worst uniforms in the league. The Jags should just call themselves the LOLS.
AFC West: Kansas City 10-6 Denver 9-7* Oakland 7-9 San Diego 6-10
Reasoning: The Chiefs are my "pick to click" this year. How did the last coach fired by the Browns but given a second chance fair? HAIL ROMEO! Sure, Matt Cassel sucks but I love Charles and Hillis as Power & Glory (ELITE WWF tag team reference!) and Dwayne Bowe is playing for a pay day. I want Denver to fail miserably but Peyton is an asshole that can not be killed. He'll figure out a way. Actually, you know what, I'll flip that last wild card spot to the Steelers if they win on Sunday night. If not, it stays with the ponies. The Raiders employ Terrelle Pryor and Matt Leinart. This is the year that Norval finally gets shit-canned. Can you believe that that guy has had THREE head coaching jobs? Awful.
NFC East: New York Giants 11-5 Philadelphia 10-6 Washington 8-8 Dallas 7-9
Reasoning: When was the last time that the defending Super Bowl champion was largely ignored by the media? The Giants lost almost nothing and drafted well. I like how Jeff Lurie finally gave Andy Reid's fat ass an ultimatum. After years of being a horrible dad, blowing the 2 minute drill, wasting challenges, and general awfulness, Reid should be on the hot seat. I can't wait for the Redskins season. I literally have no idea what to expect with all of these new playmakers on offense and finally a stud QB. So I'm just going to take the easy way out and pick a .500 season. The Cowboys window is closed. Oh, they got new cornerbacks? It's a shame that they are poorly coached and horribly quarterbacked. Put in Kyle Orton.
NFC North: Green Bay 13-3 Chicago 11-5* Detroit 9-7 Minnesota 2-14
Reasoning: The Packers still have a lot of warts on defense but they'll be able to outscore everyone in the regular season. That isn't going to change. They probably aren't good enough to win the loaded NFC though. I like the Bears this year. I truly believe that Cutler to B-Marsh is going to be magic. This could be the last good run for that aging defense and I like Prime so I'm calling for Chicago to go to the playoffs. When was the last time that a team lead the offseason in arrests and then made the playoffs? I have no idea so I'll just assume that the Lions won't make the playoffs two years in a row because that just sounds outrageous. There is literally no reason to pay attention to the Vikings this year. I have 5 fantasy teams and not one Viking is on any of my rosters.
NFC South: Atlanta 10-6 Carolina 10-6* New Orleans 9-7 Tampa Bay 6-10
Reasoning: Everyone keeps saying that the Falcons are the breakthrough team this year due to their collection of sick skill players on offense and finally some good corners. I'll buy it, too, I suppose. Do you remember when Panthers OT Ryan Kalil guaranteed that the Panthers would win the Super Bowl this year? I like the bravado! I'm not going to go as far as he did but I'll pick them for the playoffs nonetheless. I heart Ace Boogie. The Saints seem to want to rally around how much they hate the Commish but it isn't going to be enough. You know how Ohio State is having a "red-shirt" year? So are the Saints. Tampa is a year away and I actually like them this year but the South is just so tough. They will be way more competitive this year. I like Doug Martin to put up a very legit rookie season.
NFC West: San Francisco 9-7 Seattle 8-8 Arizona 6-10 St. Louis 4-12
Reasoning: The NFC West is just so boring to talk about. The Niners have a much tougher schedule this time around. They'll win the division, but it won't be pretty. I'm going to Seattle for my birthday later this month and the Seahawks, Mariners, and UW are all on the road or playing the Thursday night ESPN game that weekend. Weak. I'm trying to convince Prime to make the THIRTEEN hour drive north to watch football with me on Sunday though. ELITE! I don't like Petey C going to Rusty W though. You can win the west with a veteran presence like Flynn; you aren't going to with a rookie. Larry Fitz should demand a trade. The Rams have over 60% of their roster this year who were not on the team last year.
Awards: No one cares about individual awards in the NFL.
Conference Finals: New England over Kansas City and Atlanta over Chicago.
Super Bowl: New England over Atlanta. I feel dirty picking the Patriots. Yet I love what they did in the draft on defense and that offense will always dominate.
I'm actually sneaking out of work early today because I have my final fantasy draft tonight back in Nap at 7. The season starts at 8:30. It makes no sense at all. We're going to be still picking players in the 2nd quarter of the first game. DUMB. Iceman makes his triumphant return tomorrow so at least you have that to not look forward to.