Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Roll Damn Tide

Before I get into the weekend's college football opening slate, I need to share a story from Saturday.  So after the game, I'm starting the 50 mile walk from Champions Lane (Drew's tailgate spot is pretty ELITE by the way and he has been nice enough to say that any of you weirdos are welcome in the future) up to the Stube.  I'm debating whether to stop at a street meat cart since I drank my lunch only to notice a stand set up that is selling a bunch of Buckeye memorabilia and whatnot.  Who is working this cart?  MAURICE FUCKING CLARETT, BABY!!!  I did a discount double take, made a mental LOL, and continued on my way.  There appeared to be two other huge black dudes (likely former players) also working with Mo-Cla and it seemed like a perfect fit for an ex-con to be peddling his own garbage on the street to people who likely hate him.  Maurice Clarett is the new Nord (not many of you will get that but those that do will love it) and everyone knows that Nord is a turd.  Anyway, let's talk about that opening weekend, shall we?

Denard Robinson is awful - Everything that I said about that game was true.  Shoelace couldn't out-run those studs and it didn't matter how many guys they lost because Saban and Kirby Smart are still the GOAT.  If you make Denard throw the ball, you will win EVERY TIME.  The guy can absolutely not throw which leads to him getting frustrated which leads him to do stupid things like trying to tackle huge guys that intercept him.  That wasn't a game.  That was a raping.  Bama could have easily hung 50 on the not ready for primetime Hokesters.  You should be thanking Saban for being merciful.  And that Yelton kid is going to be a STUD.  Hell, he already is.  True Buckeye fans had to love this.  Those fake ones that root for Michigan...U SAD BRO?

SEC!  SEC!  SEC! - When Denard "threw" that horrible pick six to make it 31-7 and sent me to bed, the crowd screaming SEC was just tremendous.  You northerners should never forget that the South is worse than you at everything but football.

Speaking of awful, Southwick and Maxwell - The Boise/Sparty game was close but not very entertaining.  My boy, Le'Veon Bell, was ELITE like I said last week because I know everything.  Sparty is going to have treat Bell like they did Javon Ringer in order to win the Big Ten this year.  From what I saw on Friday, he is more than capable of handling that workload.  Boise covered...just like I said that they would.  Chris Peterson appears to have a rebuild on his hands this year before they unload on the Big East next year (I think).

Franco Harris is the absolute worst - I was pissed to see Ohio U beat Penn State because I hate the Bobcats (although their uniforms were SICK).  I get home from campus on Saturday evening, check Deadspin, and see that Franco's groomed stubble brought a cardboard cut-out of Joe Paterno into his suite with some sort of stupid word bubble calling for due process.  FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.  How does a dead guy get due process anyway?  I don't think that you understand what you are asking for.  By the way, Penn State is going to be awful for a long ass time.  Those that think that they will rebound after the sanctions end are naive.

Joey Harrington alert! - He's on the Fox panel with Erin Andrews and Eddie George!  I hope that he does a weekly segment where he plays the piano!

Running up the score does nothing for anyone - Once Ohio State got up 42-10, I sort of expected that more was coming.  I still don't understand why but I accept that this is the kind of thing that a dickhead like Urban Meyer does.  But look at the other people who do this kind of shit: Brian Kelly did it to Navy.  WHO RUNS UP THE SCORE ON A SERVICE ACADEMY?  Terrorists, that's who!  Lane Kiffin goes for two against Hawaii.  Bret Bielema thinks that it's cute to hang 80+ on Indiana.  If these guys want to keep doing that then "let him live" but you're going to get someone hurt eventually.  College BRAHs don't like to get embarrassed and they WILL go dirty if you leave them no choice.  And for those that say, "if you don't like it, stop it"...DURRRRRR LOOGIT ME I IS TARD!

Hey Jeff, Clemson SICK! - I ended up watching more of that game than Michigan being terrible because it was wildly entertaining.  Tahj Boyd is ELITE!

The dumbest rule ever - If a guy's helmet comes off during a play, he must sit out the next play.  THIS IS STUPID.  Why don't they just come out and say what this rule really is: the dreadlocks on black people frighten us old white fellows.  This is so dumb...fo' real.

Finally, the game that I went to - I don't know if Ohio State fans are getting smarter (not likely) or are still humbled from last year but it was actually a nice, friendly atmosphere at The Shoe.  I actually had a guy shake my hand as I was leaving.  I didn't care for that at all, but I am all class and reciprocated.  That is more than I can say about mouth-breathing stereotype fans like some of the commenters here who take to Facebook to be all cute and gay.  Yeah, I missed the spread on this game even though I picked your team to win handily.  Look at EVERYTHING else that I wrote.  It was ALL correct.  You came out flat.  The initial game plan was boring and vanilla.  We would not even try to run the ball.  Dysert would be great (and he was...fucking receivers couldn't catch AIDS at Tommy Morrison's house).  We would fucking butcher a punt.  I nailed it all...except the margin.  Sue me.  We had an excellent shot of going up 14-0 at the start but made no plays and only led 3-0 instead.  We looked fantastic in the first 20 minutes.  As soon as Devin Smith made that sick catch on that terrible pass, I knew that it was over.  I was not impressed with your defense at all but OBVZ it's early and you don't face any good QBs the rest of the year (Drew asked about Danny O'Brien being better than Dysert which was a hilarious question).  It's exactly what you all thought would happen and wanted to see happen.  It was also pretty much what I expected and wanted to see from my team, too.  We left a lot of plays on the field (which MAC teams usually do against the big boys) but no one got hurt, our STUD QB was barely touched by the apparent STREMPH of your team, and I got the feeling that this team is going to win a bunch of games this season.  Maybe we'll even try to run the ball next week.  So, yes, I got the margin of victory wrong, but of the three games that I previewed last week, I nailed all of them when it came to analysis.

I think that that about covers everything.  That was really long.  Again, a big thanks to Drew for being a cordial host before and after the game (and having two clean port-o-shitters on site!).  Tomorrow I will be unveiling my NFL prediction post while Iceman takes on a rare Thursday later this week.  In conclusion, Taylor Lewan was flagged for three penalties in the time that it took you to read this.


Grumpy said...

It's Yeldon and did you know Saban is 5'6"?

Anonymous said...

Top 4 Losers From The Weekend...

# 4 -- Slow Seal -- Yeah, your Indians won today. But, your "most underperforming team in the AL" idiotic thought and retarded Verlander bashing....looked real dumb when the Tigers swept the White Sox to tie for 1st in the Central and Verlander pitched 8IP of 1ER ball on Sunday night on ESPN. You are so slow.

# 3 -- G$ -- He's a big loser this weekend...plain and simple. He did drinks before and after the game which moved him down to the # 4 slot. He also wore an Ohio State Football shirt to the G$FL draft today. He is a man of integrity. But, he still got his ass whooped this weekend.

# 2 -- Grumpy -- You didn't show because of the vagina between your legs. I distinctly remember you telling G$ at the hockey game that you were all set for this game.....now all of a sudden last week you have "family in town". What a fucking coincidence that they come in the same weekend that you avoided attending Urban Meyer's Buckeyes fucking rolling on your ass. Pussy.

ALSO, that Blade Runner that you rushed to defend during the Olympics. He lost in the Paralympics and what did faggy Blade Runner do? He immediately said taht the guy he lost to cheated because his fake legs were too long! Holy Shit what a complete LOSER this guy is! The paralympics basically told Blade Runner to go fuck himself and that he knows they all wear the same length of fake legs. That guy sucks at life.

# 1 -- Iceman -- As I said last week...nobody brings out the retard like Iceman does in college football season.

Let's look at this quote from last week...

"you really think Miller's presence alone is going to represent a 40 point blowout? Delusional. Miami isn't winning, but it certainly won't be a blowout." YES... YES, we do. A 46 pt blowout to be exact you dumb motherfucker.

Not only were you amazingly wrong about the OSU/Miami game...you had to sit through the Michigan game where you watched.....you sir are "DELUSIONAL"...

*An incredibly terrible offensive gameplan that left Denard to win the game with his arm....LOLZ!

*A Michigan defense that seemed obsessed with the arm tackle. LOLZ!

*Michigan's best CB tear his ACL while trying to make a tackle on special teams. LOLZ!

Alabama is way better than any Big Ten team. But, Michigan's shortcomings were shown...and the charmed life/schedule that they had last year are beginning to be shown. Here come the 4-5 losses as well. Everyone that bitched about the commentators picking them as the most overrated team in the country at #8 can suck a dick as well.


Nate B. said...

Throwing for 300+ yards while taking mostly 3 or 5 step drops is very impressive. Props to Dysert.

For that same reason, our defensive line couldn't get to the guy very much, because he didn't hold the ball long enough.

I would chalk up the lack of sacks / pressure more to your OC's game plan and Dysert's execution. Our defensive line is still Top 5. Ask your rush offense).

GMoney said...

Our OC is FOUR and FORTY SIX in his last 50 games as an OC and he is fat as fuck so I give him no credit at all.

I tried to ask our rush offense but no one answered.

Drew bringing it strong this morning!!! I can't wait for Iceman's rebuttal/tears.

Want a funny political joke? Well, you're getting it anyway. I hope that Paul Ryan got a good look at his future on Saturday because he too is about to get destroyed by a man that everyone in the South hates. ZING!!!

Mr. Ace said...

Let's get this over with.

FUCK! The end.

Okay. Borges continues to try to shove a square peg into a round hole. No matter how much lubrication used, Denard is not a pocket passer. He doesn't do well from the I. Just dumb. I really thought we would see us open it up, but apparently Borges just did exactly what he did towards the beginning of last year, suck. DENARD DIDN'T GET HIS SECOND CARRY UNTIL THE 3RD FUCKING QUARTER(I THINK). Our D was on the field for 59 minutes that game. Our LB's looked fucking horrible. Our backup DB's looked fucking horrible. Vincent Smith, or Devin as Musberger liked to call him, isn't a guy who should get that many carries straight up the middle. Thomas Rawls just doesn't have it. When he is supposed to be our "big back" and a Bama safety comes up and eviscerates him, time to move to linebacker. FUCK. And the bubble screen was open every single fucking time and is a great, easy pass to get Denard into rhythm and we threw it twice, and it gained at least 8 yards each time.

Jeremy Gallon is good.
Gardner has absolutely no WR technique, but he's a fucking athlete. Should be our best by the end of the year.
Dennis Norfleet is going to break at least two kick off returns for TD's. And hopefully have a serious role in the offense.


And this will sound like I am just hating to hate. But Braxton Miller seems like a doucher and does not impress me. He was too busy staring down defenders after he stiffed armed them on his way out of bounds(Until one of the little DB's blew him the fuck up) to care about finding an open WR. I just saw a little too much bad TP in him Saturday.

Anonymous said...

J-rupe update: last night he was "feeling weird." Today, he has a post that says "if I'm not on Facebook for 2 days, call the police." Should we be concerned?

I thoroughly enjoyed osu not calling the dogs off. They did it with their 2nd and 3rd team, so it's not that heartless. Those guys need the reps while they can get them.

From what I remember of the Michigan game, it was everything I wanted it to be and more. Bama probably won't lose a game this year. Michigan will lose 5 games.


GMoney said...

No need to be concerned with Rupe. This is just what he does. Although it seems like Michael Clarke Duncan's black death has taken it's toll on him.

Exactly how do you "open up" Michigan's offense? The entire foundation of that abortion is to have everyone running everywhere.

And yes, Devin Gardner is ass. I paid attention to him since you were so quick to call him the next Jerry Rice on Thursday.

Nate B. said...

If Michigan actually tries incorporating designed run plays into the first half game plan, I think Michigan would have kept it much closer going into second half. I don't recall ever keeping the ball on any of his reads until the second half (and he was picking up about 6-7 hards a carry).

MuDawgfan said...

Thoughts from my trip to Columbus:

1. The tailgating area and the game were flat out fun. We met our friends at a small side lot on the other side of the river. I can't tell you the street, but we had a good look at the basketball arena and were a 5 minute walk from the stadium.
Nobody talked shit as we walked around campus and many shared drinks and food with us.

2. We didn't get into the game, instead walked to "Varsity Club" which was packed with some of the drunkest women I've ever seen. Many required assistance to leave the place while standing. We had one beer there and left. The beer garden looked like a fun place to be if I was 23 or 24 years old.

3. We kept walking for what seemed like forever until we got to Mama's Pasta and Brews, a hole in the wall dive bar with awesome pitcher specials. It was air conditioned and had cheap beer. We stated there until the game was over. This is about the time I blacked out.

4. I woke up on the couch of my Residence Inn hotel room in the same clothes I wore that day with a world class headache. There was a half eaten sandwich from Tip Top on the table next to me. I had to look at my phone to see the UM/Bama score.
Horrible hangover.

The Iceman said...

No rebuttal and no tears. What did you really expect from me this morning? To defens that abortion we put on the field Saturday? Michigan dicn't show up to play. It was simple as that. But at least I have the stones to own up to being wrong instead of defending it until the bitter end like some I know.

I've been friends with fuckeye fans long enough to know what to exepect here today. I got all my anger out on Saturday after the game was over so nothing here will bother me today. Also got my foot spit on by a class act 50 year old fuckeye fan in a southern ohio bar. Way to represent your age group as well as the team you cheer for.

Grumpy said...

I don't think Urban ran up the score. I would have had Braxton out earlier, but you can't tell guys to go out there and lie down.

Seriously Drew, I have friends who are ohio fans and I couldn't risk being seen with both you and G$.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy....G$ and myself are the classiest men in Columbus.

I'd like to buy the man that spit into Iceman's food a beer.

MUDawg...Tip Top has delicious food.

I hope Brady and Ide weren't too upset that Michigan got their asses handed to them. Fags.


Anonymous said...

I echo what Nate B. said. The lack of pressure from OSU's d-line was the result of 2-3 step drops and quick passes. It was also the product of OSU dropping 7-8 for much of the game once they realized Miami's plan. Dysert was impressive for the first half. His INTs in the 2nd half...not so impressive.

Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

Anyone else see Jerrah Jones' appearance on College Gameday? He was spitting all kinds of crazy out of his pie hole!

Go Wolfpack! This Cal beat writer was wrong- Tedford just lost the re-opening of Memorial Stadium to a Mountain West school. Get the pitchforks ready, those hippies might Marshawn Lynch him.

J-Rupe wishing Ide a Happy Birthday made my day yesterday.

I'm busting my ass to get home quick tonight for the draft. G$, I'll text you if there are any delays.

Jeff said...

Tajh Boyd on track for Heisman, not sure how good Auburn will be, but I'll take it. Everything else has been said about Ohio state and Meesh, except for how dirt Braxton's stutter step was. Happy NFL-eve!

Anonymous said...

Jeff...that stutter-step was indeed silly.

My Tedford prediction did start off in the right direction.


GMoney said...

That stutter-step still pisses me off. What was our DB biting on? WHERE WAS HE GOING TO GO OTHER THAN "STRAIGHT AHEAD". Idiots, the lot of 'em.

Dawg, VC AND Mama's! We should have gotten together for the first and last time. You were so damn close. You could have even taken a dump in Drew's portable restrooms!

Grump, it just irked me a little that they didn't take a knee with 40 seconds left. Then I remembered that this is the same guy who kicked field goals late in the 4th in blowout wins over The U.

Prime, you get your ass home on time. We will not stop for you. Tell Tedford to end practice a few minutes early.

Anonymous said...

No one should have to play an NFL team week 1. Bama would rote anyone in the big ten glad to hear Drew say it.

The shitty INT early coupled with Denards attempt at a retarded tackled was the nail in the game. They had no chance after that..If Denard is so bent on getting hurt early why not run his ass like Rod used to?

Just for selfish debate, what was more embarrassing; this game or the Florida title game OSU got destroyed in.

Heres to another full year of SEC blow jobs...

- J Saul

Brady said...

Whoa! I'm not upset that Michigan lost. I'm upset at HOW they lost. Another bashing at the hands of the SEC. Fucking terrific.

What the hell was the gameplan for Michigan? The whole country knows that Denard isn't a pocket passer. Run the crazy read option and get Velcro on the edges where he can do some damage. I didn't understand that at all. Who the fuck was calling that game? I don't think there was anyway Michigan wins but at least show some fight. That was pathetic.

LOL at all the Michigan fans saying "at least we p,aged somebody in week one". I'm guessing you would gladly trade places with OSU right now.

Brady said...


The Iceman said...

It was my foot, Drew. Not my food. And the guy represented Fuckeye fans well that day.

GMoney said...

Brady, it sucks that you have to listen to all of those Alabama fans that you know. You live a tough life.

I don't want to troll Ide too hard today since yesterday was his BIRFDAY and his fantasy team is fucking shit but how dumb is it to say, after pummelling a MAC team mind you, this:


Come on, BRAH, that just isn't very intelligent at all.

Brady said...

I have a problem with message boards and blogs when it comes to college football. There are plenty of Bama retards out there looking to pick a fight. Plus, ESPN radio and Sportscenter will be all over their dick for 3 months now. Do they deserve it? Probably, but it doesn't make it any less annoying.

I just aquired my tickets for the Cal game. Are you accepting random dudes that you know on the internet at your tailgate, Drew?

Anonymous said...

Brady....yes...but, only if you play swords with me inside one of the urinals.

I wish Bama had won by 60. I wasn't pleased enuf with HOW Michigan lost.

Iceman....maybe he just knew that you have a homosexual foot fetish.


Brady said...

I accept your game of swords... as long as we don't cross the streams. You NEVRER want to cross the streams.

I really thought Michigan would put up a bigger fight but there is no denying how good Bama is. If that's the team that shows up the rest of the season, I don't see anyone taking them out.

Anonymous said...

I loved the UM loss. However, I was at a bar totes lol'ing hard at the Wiscy game. Holy shit, their offense is bad.

Im not totally pissed at my team. I was the last pick. I have to account for 20 picks being taken each round. It makes for some ballsy choices, but at least I wasnt drafting backups in the sixth round. Hats off to your team though G$.

I missed the J-Rupe update but he did wish me (a complete stranger who is out to make him kill himself) a happy birthday before anyone else and that made my day.

Tip Top sandwiches are amazing. That pot roast sandwich on the pretzel bun is fucking ELITE.


GMoney said...

In case you are unaware, the team that I drafted yesterday drinks nothing but whole milk. Allow me:

Matt Ryan (whitest player in the league)
Peyton Hillis
Jordy Nelson
Eric Decker
Danny Amendola

That is really, really white.

And I'm sorry but how has NO ONE chimed in on Mo Clarett selling his autograph on Champions Lane yet! I about shit when I saw his stupid face just standing there grinning like everyone loves him. It was the LOL'est moment of the weekend.

GMoney said...

Before you think that that team sucks, throw in Megatron and Antonio Brown. I just ignored my backfield.

Anonymous said...

Because most of your commenters here probably bought one and had good conversation with him...

- J Saul

The Iceman said...

Are you trading for Toby Gearhart and Owen Schmidt, G$?

Prime99 said...

If Brad Muster were available, he'd fit right in on your team, G$.

I should be fine for the draft, unless I get stuck behind the same stupid bitch I was behind on my commute into work. In that case, I'll make it by 6:30 my time.

Anonymous said...

I'm self-admittedly not very good at fantasy football. But, I do think G$'s team is bad and I'll be pissed if he somehow finishes ahead of me this year.


Brady said...

Was Mo getting his Grey Goose on?

GMoney said...

He didn't appear to be, Brady, at least not yet. It was strange to see him without pepper spray in his eyes though.

My all-white team has been pleading for Mike Alstott to come out of retirement for one more go 'round. I honestly love this team though so long as Matt Ryan is as good as everyone thinks he will be. My receivers/TEs are going to be straight NASTY even with their lacking pigment. Donald Brown (my BEST RB!) is pretty much white anyway, right?

And even if my team does suck, at least we will be the smartest team and pay our taxes on time.

Prime99 said...

If you got extra points for no illegitimate kids, that would be huge for this team.

The Iceman said...

Are there fantasy bonus points for Roth IRA accounts? What about no child support penalties? That has to be worth an extra 5 points a week...

Prime99 said...

If there is a "lack of gold and diamond chains" then you should be aware the oddly, Eric Decker has a lot of iced out chains.

GMoney said...

With all the goodwill that I built on that roster, selecting Lions Defense might negate everything.

Chester said...

Was Mo getting his Grey Goose on?