Friday, September 14, 2012

Mr. Ace Asked. Mr. Ace Receives.

Prime is a real cooze-hound.
This is just going to be a quick post today because after an 88 comment Wednesday (YES!), I feel no need to overextend myself on a Friday. I’m getting ready to hop on a jet and spend a week out in Hawaii so get bent. Oh fuck, that’s what Iceman is doing. Seriously, fuck that guy. Hawaiian vacations? He better not be expensing that to this site. I’ve already blown my travel budget for the century on Prime’s trip to Columbus this weekend to cover Cal football. Whatever. I should say that although Iceman is off next week from posting here (you’re welcome), there is a strong rumor that he convinced the HarBRAHs to contribute to the blog once more. Ain’t nothing wrong with that!

*There might be a movie about Joe Paterno based on that Paterno book that is extremely worthless and filled with lies. Al Pacino is slated to play JoePa. I would KILL to see Pacino wearing those big stupid glasses and run off the field at The Shoe with a poopy diaper. But who is going to play Sandusky in this likely shitty motion picture? I’ve thought about this way more than a sane person should and I keep coming back to the same name: Craig T. Nelson. He is an awesome actor, already has experience as a football coach in Hollywood, and doesn’t look too much differently from ol’ Jerry. Let’s make this happen, Hollywood. Oh, and Mike McQueery will be played by either Seth Green or Buke. This movie will win all the Oscars if they choose the latter option.  But who plays Franco Harris?  Matt Millen?  Sue Paterno?  On second thought, I should cast this movie and it will be awesome.  Especially those kid-fucking scenes that will feel so real because they will be.

*Some asshole at some asshole paper in New York says that Tim Tebow may ask to be traded after the season. Tens wants to be a starter. Hey, that’s great, so do I! Sometimes we can’t get everything that we want in life. Some team player Timmy is turning out to be.

*I hope that the Packers won last night because an angry Prime is a better Prime. I’ll just assume that Jermichael Finley had at least 3 crucial drops as well. Pregame prediction that won’t be published until the day following the game: Packers 31-27 with the Bears covering the 6 points. Hey, if Ace wants Friday gambling advice, there aren’t many better segues than the one that I just gave!

*I CALL HIM GAMBLOR!
Alabama -13 @ Arkansas: Arkansas just lost a home game to Craig Monroe and have a really bad coach. Alabama is a fucking cyborg with the best coach. Lay the points and Let Him Live. BAMA.
Miami U @ Boise State -21.5: This isn’t even funny. I don’t care how bad the Broncos looked in East Lansing with Kellen Moore’s beaver teeth on the sideline, they are still 5 touchdowns better than the team that struggled to beat Southern Illinois last week. Lay the points again.  I can't even imagine ANYONE taking the points in this game.
Virginia Tech -9 @ Pitt: Pitt is the worst. This line should be twice as high. Keep laying those points.
Utah State @ Wisconsin -12.5: The Aggies are coming off the biggest win that their program has seen in over a decade last Friday. Wisconsin has been pathetic through two weeks. Have some balls and moneyline this fucker. Or just take the points and root against Bret Bielema. It doesn’t matter, just bet against the Badgers and know that you are doing God's work.

Vikings -1 @ Colts: The Vikings should have lost at home to Blaine Gabbert last week. The Colts are playing at home and will be relieved to not see the Bears across from them. Christian Ponder on the road? No thank you. Give me Indy.
Chiefs @ Bills -3.5: It’s nice to see that the two most disappointing teams from week 1 get together in week 2 in a really depressing city. This game will come down to whose QB is less awful. I think that Cassel is less awful than the bearded hobo. Give me the points with KC.
Ravens @ Eagles -3: This line makes zero sense at all. The Eagles needed a miracle drive to beat the worst team in the league while the Ravens murdered a playoff team. The Ravens are well coached and the Eagles are not. If Vegas gives three points automatically to the home team then we are being lead to believe that these two teams are equal. These two teams are not equal. I’ll take Baltimore and make a lot of fictional money.
Jets @ Steelers -6.5: The Steelers aren’t starting the season 0-2 and Mark Sanchez still blows. Consider this a revenge game on Tenor. Steelers roll.  Grumpy and Jeff gay.

There you go. That’s it for the week. I also love Ohio State to obliterate Cal by more than 13. That line is absurdly low. Let’s make some money. Fake for me; real for you.  See you back here on Monday morning.

40 comments:

Nate B. said...

GAMBLOR - good Simpsons reference!


I am on the complete opposite side of the fence with Utah State / Wisconsin.

This feels like a bounce back for Wisconsin and a let down for USU. Bielama loves running up the score when the opponent is outmatched early.

I could see a 21+ blowout here.

Nate B. said...

Oh, and Jim Carrey would be a good Joe Amendola.

Anonymous said...

Solid gambling advice. I am actually laying some cash down this week on a couple of those. I hope Tenor comes in on a wildcat and beats the Steelers again.

Black name Finley got me a resounding 1 point in G$FL. Hoo boy!

Ide

GMoney said...

Jay Catler was pretty great last night. I guess that that was just a glaring example of never overreacting to week 1 of the season. Now I'm resigned to believe that the Rams will steamroll the Skins on Sunday. FUCK CATLER!

Nate, I picked USU because it's more fun to bet against Wisconsin. Plus, you would have thought that they had a bounce back in them last week after nearly losing to UNI in week one. But they did not. The Badgers are not good. Having watched most of that Utah/Utah State game, I think that they are a legit threat to win in the land where Jump Around is still popular.

This Matt Millen casting decision is really haunting me. John C. Reilly perhaps? I want Franco Harris to be played by the guy that did Clay Davis.

GMoney said...

BIG BROTHER ALERT!!!

OK, now I'm even more convinced that Dan has no chance to win this. Sure, we at home love watching him being a complete shithead to everyone else, but that isn't going to help him on Wednesday (and he IS going to the final two). His #1 ally, Danielle, has been stabbed in the back by him at least 3-4 times. And she is his buddy! No matter who goes with him will have the votes.

Dan: Britney and Jenn
Ian/Dani: Ashley, Frank, Joe, Shane, and whoever doesn't go to the final two

You can tip your cap to him for surviving this long and being responsible for everyone's eviction, but that doesn't mean that he's playing this great game. He isn't playing a good game at all. It's an entertaining one, but it shouldn't win.

Jeff said...

Like BAMA at -13, too bad its already at -20 or -21.

Gimme Wake +27.5 @FSU. They always play FSU surprisingly tough.

ASU +6 @Mizzou. Mizzou on a UGA hangover and ASU has some players.

Buckeyes cover -17. Roll 45-20.


Jeff said...

How about a Survivor NFL pick? I used the LIONS last week and sweated it out.

PATS are the biggest fav, but don't know if I should use them yet. What do you think about CHARGERS at home against TITANS?

Grumpy said...

You're a moron like Frank, whining about loyalty and honesty. The whole game is about lying and deception to get you to the end.

Dan has played the greatest game in history in should be rewarded for it. When the losers vote that's all that should matter. If you got fucked over by Dan that's on you.

Mr. Ace said...

I like the Fuckeyes -17 too. I really like Northern Ill -3.

I think the Giants -7 is a lock. For some reason I feel like the Bills bounce back this week and play actual defense. I will bet Pey Pey as an underdog all year.

Mr. Ace said...

I went to a fucking Packers bar(On Tap on Bethel) last night with Mrs. Ace, Dut and his boyfriend. Everyone was fat and eating cheesecurds out of a trough. But the atmosphere was pretty awesome. I need to find me an Eagles bar where I won't get stabbed.

Anonymous said...

For once I completely agree with Grumpy.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Does the Icmean family van know that it can't drive across the Pacific Ocean...LOLZ!

Note to self...never go to a bar called "On Tap" on Bethel Road.

G$...where are you seeing the Buckeeys only favored by 13? It's 17 brah...and I do think we should cover that easily. Unlike last week, where I told everyone here to take UCF.

I think VT is a lock as well. Pittsburgh is atrocious.

Victim # 2 should be played by Dut.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I respect Dan for doing what he needs to do and being ELITE for America, but that's not how you win the game. It's got to be a lot harder the second time around. Evil Dick was an asshole but at least he was honest and the jury respected that (plus his daughter is a cunt). It's not about lying and deception, it's about towing the fine line without going too far over. That's called the social game and it means far more than people give it credit for. If you are unlikeable then you better be up with someone just as awful in the final. Not going to happen for Dan.

I learned my lesson from Russell on Survivor who was awesome but burned everyone and got destroyed in the finale. You can't blindside everyone and still win. It just doesn't work that way.

My lines are a little off and for that I apologize.

Jeff, take the Bengals.

Dut, probably thought that you were taking him to a fudgepackers bar. I can only imagine the disappointment in his freshly groomed stubble.

The Iceman said...

Old Matt Millen will be played by Brian Cox. The old Highway patrol captain guy from SuperTroopers. And young Matt Millen will be played by Farva...or just a picture of someone
's stool.

I love how Cutler was fuckin barking at the O-line all night for him getting destroyed. Nevermind the fact on a lot of those plays he was holding the ball for waaaaaay too long. I trust Culter quarterbacking my team as much as I trust pushing a fart out.

And none of you get SHIT from Hawaii. Except Prime because we are BFFs. Suck it, Ace.

GMoney said...

Drew, I think that I got my lines on Monday or something. Will Prime acknowledge his last place Bears now? Looking up at a Viking asshole can't be pleasant.

MuDawgfan said...

Speaking of killer cyborgs - anyone remember that badass video game "BaseWars"

Fucking gunfights and laser sword duels on the basepath, pitchers with rockets for arms.

AWESOME game.

MuDawgfan said...

Dawgs are giving 44 points to FAU this week. No way they cover after last weeks emotional "W" at Mizzou

Take FAU and thank me by buying me a nice steak dinner. Georgia is going to sleepwalk through that game. This has 21 point snoozer win written all over it.

GMoney said...

Dawg, was that the game with the "stop" ball and the bomb pitch? I think that it was. ELITE reference!

I also saw that Michigan is giving 45ish to UMass. UMass is AWFUL and will be looking ahead to their trip the following week to Yager Stadium. Lay the monster points.

Prime99 said...

Fuck.

The Iceman said...

I think the game you're referring to G$ is Baseball Simulator 1.000. Also and ELITE game.

Speaking of ELITE...I just recently purchased an original Nintendo and have been finding all of my favorite games from the 80s. One of the best decisions I ever made. Just know that the Redskins are terrible in all of the Tecmo Bowl games. Darrell Green is the only guy that could play for me.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, UMass is fucking terrible. I mean...they got slaughtered by Indiana.

I see the 49ers are favored by 6.5 in the Jim Bowl. Fuck them.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Ok, for real, that sucked. But if we are not overreacting in Week 1, then the same applies to week 2. In fact, the Bears went to the NFC title game the same year Cutler was sacked 9 times by the Giants, and drilled by the Patriots at home on that terrible weather weekend when I won a bunch of money (4-0- remember that, G$?)

Cutler barked at J'Marcus Webb, not the line on every fucking play. For those of you not familiar with Webb, he's a gaping vagina who undeacheives. Cutler should yell at him.

Brandon Marshall dropped 2 TDs. Sure, they were tough but #1 receivers (and Jordy Nelson) make those catches. Hester had a huge drop as well.

Speaking of Hester, he's no longer good at kick returns. It is depressing to watch.

I though he Bears D was great last night. They held Rodgers in check mostly, caused turnovers, and kept the game from getting too out of control. There were positives to an otherwise bloody tampon filled game.

The Iceman said...

Look on the bright side, Prime. At least Forte doesn't have a high ankle sprain. What's that?? Ohhhhh he DOES have a high ankle sprain. Guess I read that wrong.

GMoney said...

I actually saw Lovie Smith talking into his headset last night. PROGRESS!

Redskins Tecmo Bowl team is great. You just have to force the ball to Clint Didier. Same with the Broncos and Clarence Kay. I was way ahead of my time with my love of using the TE as a weapon in the pass game.

Catler getting sacked will always be terrific.

Prime99 said...

I thought Lovie's facial scar prevents him from opening his mouth on the sideline.

Forte can take a couple weeks off because everyone enjoys BUSH.

Anonymous said...

I think Lovie sounds like Cleveland Brown.

GMoney said...

Back to Dan:

If he is truly playing to have Danielle win (he isn't), then he has played a masterful game. If his ceiling is just final two then bravo. But it isn't and and we know this. He thinks that he can win this thing. He can not.

And I hate that bullshit of "it's just a game". No, it isn't. Candyland is a fucking game. Big Brother gives 500K to the winner. NOT A GAME, that's real life shit.

Dan has played an excellent game of Survivor. Ian has played the BEST game of Big Bro.

Dude has done what he thought needed to be done to stay in the house. But it isn't going to get him the win.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to see Suh and Fairley twist the shit out of that ankle.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

You are assuming that Suh and Fairely will not suspended by then.

GMoney said...

I see that Suh and Lolo Jones might be dating. I'll tell you what, if I was virgin she-athlete, the last person that I would want to be deflowered by would be 300+ pound Sir Stomps-A-Lot. But again, I don't want to get fucked by Suh. I can't stress that enough.

The Iceman said...

It makes sense that Suh would date a perrenial loser like LoLo Jones.

Anonymous said...

Per Lolo today, they are not dating. As G$ noted...she can't handle that Suh dick.

Prime...Suh will not be...but, Fairley could be as I believe he still has an impending suspension for his off the field misdeeds.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Suh is a ticking time bomb with or without sweet virgin ass.

Anonymous said...

G$ - you also have to take into consideration that all the people in the jury house are fucking morons. Ashley is the biggest waste of life on earth.

Brittany and Boogie (if in the jury) would give Dan the title, for playing an awesome game. That being said, no one outside of Brittany will vote for Dan to win. He might get Jen's vote.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Lions haven't had a good rape story in quite some time. I say go for it Lolo (yolo?)!

Ide

GMoney said...

Seal, I agree and that's what I said. He won't get the votes. I don't think that he's played a bad game, but I sure as hell don't think that he's played a great game. Entertaining as all get out, but it's not how you win these shows.

All of the jury morons are finally going to piece together all of his lies. Frank and Shane swing big sticks and will probably bully the non-Britneys into voting against him.

Dani and Ian would be fools to not take him to the finale but then again they haven't caught onto his game yet so who knows.

I've been watching shows like this for awhile now and people who play that way never, ever win. So if you think that Dan is going to pull it off again on Wednesday, you should lessen your expectations.

Grumpy said...

Two words: Dr. Will.

Then again, you were probably in 3rd grade when he fucked everybody and won.

Anonymous said...

Apparently, all J-Rupe needs is a blunt and some head. Big Brother is gay.

Ide

GMoney said...

Yep, Dr. Will was before my time but he is the exception to the rule.

Ide, who is worse on FB: Rupe or whatever the fuck Hacksaw ButtNaked Bailey means? My vote is for Rodney because he is AWFUL.

Anonymous said...

Tough to vote. One is an NFL player (ex), the other may be suicidal. We could be watching one go gloriously bankrupt on shilling some diet shake or watch one gloriously kill himself. But, since one cheers for the Steelers and has an awful following of commenters, I am going with Buttnaked.

Ide