Thursday, September 06, 2012
I'm a little late turning the TV on for the big NFL opener tonight. I was down at the liquor store trying to find a 30 year old bottle of whiskey I could have for my house in order to impress a bunch of fuckers I actually hate when it really comes down to it. If nothing else it should show them how sophisticated I am. Since I'm just an uneducated, beer drinking, hillbilly fucktard, I'll take the white trash easy way out and live blog this bitch. So now that I'm in my Wrangler jeans and favorite Jimmy Johnson t-shirt...let's dive in and catch up to the action.
7:38 - What did I miss so far? Oh...Mariah Carey still has linebacker calves and Cee-Lo is still a weird midget. Cool, so I missed nothing.
7:40 - These fuckin 1st game of the NFL season pregame shows get more and more faggity every year. Nice gold shoulder pads, queers. Are we being completely serious with this bullshit right now? The only way that could have been more homo is if those gold shoulder pad guys were jerking each other off while dancing around like gay little sprites and violently rubbing semen on their gums like coke sluts going through heavy withdrawal symptoms. Oh...No Doubt is up next. Apparently this is 1996.
7:45 - Phil Simms still has shit breath. Check.
7:46 - John Gruden continues to have a haircut you see on every single 5 year old boy. Never change, Gruden. HOLY FUCKIN CHRIST TITS! Peyton Manning is dressed like my dead Grandfather! Nice suit, Plaid King!!
7:48 - Speaking of shit breath...Peter King is looking rather disgusting this evening.
7:53 - Jason Witten is a fuckin BEAR! He went from being out 4-6 weeks with a lacerated spleen (an injury I was just informed killed my GF's best friend 6 years ago) to starting tonight in a matter of 10 days. Good Gawd! I respect him the same way LS respects a single malt Highland Park drinker! ZING!
7:56 - Grumpy just got rock hard. Hines Ward smile sighting. That faggot's answer to Costas' fuckin SOFTBALL question sounded rehearsed....and gay...and Asian. God, I hate that fucker.
8:01 - Michelle Beadle is hot. She was the only reason to tune into that bullshit show that Colon Cowfucker pretends is watchable. Now that she's not on it there's no reason to tune in.
8:17 - Now that I'm done eating...Hey! Did you guys know that ELI is funny? It's crazy how being dressed in a wool track suit makes you the better dressed brother tonight.
8:26 - Gwen Stefani should be happy that her stretch marks don't show up on HDTV so half of America can still try and pretend she's fuckable. In other news, No Doubt needs to hang it up.
8:32 - I wonder how many YOOOOOOOOOUGE's we'll hear tonight from Michaels. I'm saying less than 10. It's a long season and he needs to pace himself.
8:38 - Ah. The incredibly awful hip hop version of the Star Spangled Banner. Exactly the way Francis Scott Key intended when he drew it up. Is that an XXXXL jersey made out of a tattered bed sheet that ol' Queen Latifa is wearing?
8:43 - Three and out. Nice hands, Victor Cruz. Did Eli's dart have a little too much hot cheese on it? Colon Cowturd does NOT appreciate Tony Romo introducing himself with a backwards hat on. Did you guys know that a backwards hat means he's not CEREBRAL? It's TOTES true.
8:46 - Three and out. Blame Felix Jones. Blame everything on Felix Jones. Hixon just ran more than 10 yards without blowing out his knee for the 3rd straight year. That's progress. And here's commercial break number one of 30 billion.
8:53 - GREAT shot of the Manning family. Papa Bear looking like a drugged out Where's Waldo and Mama Bear using her tongue to clean the front of her teeth. Pristine camera work, fellas.
8:56 - And with that carry everyone can safely drop David Wilson off their fantasy teams. Coughlin is currently activating every running back on the practice squad so he can bury Wilson even further on the depth chart.
9:05 - Garrett showing some uncharacteristic balls on the 4th and inches here. Complete failure. Because when you need a yard...hand the ball off to a fuckin fullback who registers about 3 carries a year. THAT'LL FOOL EM! LOLZ!
9:09 - Every time Nicks catches a pass and gets tackled, I hold my breath until he gets up. For a guy who is made out of fucking glass, I sure do draft him a lot in fantasy football.
9:11 - First quarter in the books and there's probably quite a few pissed off fantasy owners (ME!). Start scoring some points, you fucks!
9:15 - First play of the second quarter is a YOOOOOOOUGE loss to make it 2nd and tard for the Giants. And Demarcus Ware gets his 100th sack. Pretty incredible considering he came from Troy. Shocker...here comes another punt and another God damn commercial.
9:19 - Dez Bryant is high on his mom's whorish pussy filth and thinks he wasn't tackled on the play. ELITE stiff arm by Tony Romo on a busted play. That's what a backwards ball cap'll getcha! Silly bitch school yard plays on the fly! It'll also get you an ELITE near pick six on the very next play.
9:25 - Since David Wilson has been nuked back to 8th string, let's see how Bradshaw is at handling goal line duties..........................shitty. Remarkable shot of Rob Ryan saying "fuck" 87 times in 12 seconds after Cruz got absolutely mugged at the goal line. 3-0 Giants.
9:33 - Jason Pierre Paul is wearing the same gloves that Barry Weiss wears when he roots through the storage lockers he pays way too much money for. Because that is more interesting to talk about than what's currently happening. Another fucking punt. I'll start up again when something interesting happens.
9:47 - It's worth mentioning Dez Bryant looks unguardable. It's also worth mentioning that he probably wears a belt of knives under his shoulder pads. TOUCHDOWN! Finally!! That noise you hear is the mad dash of every fantasy owner hitting the waiver wire for Kevin Ogletree. I'm pretty sure the ESPN mainframe just crashed.
9:53 - Second drop by Cruz and his flaccid penis hands. Sack. Draw. Halftime. Nice series, fags. The DVR just informed me that football was about to be changed because "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." has a series recording set up. Everyone should know I'm not above murdering my GF and I'm pretty sure Drew would help me pull it off.
10:10 - 3rd quarter begins.
10:15 - Felix Jones is the worst running back in the league. Jerruh only keeps that pussy around because releasing him means he was fucking wrong.
10:17 - "Be sure to drink your Ogletree. Ogletree? A crummy commercial?? Sonofabitch..." That is an ELITE movie reference only the coolest people will get. Anyway...that 2nd TD locks Ogletree as the most added fantasy player this week which also means he'll suck taint the rest of the year.
10:24 - Man, Victor Cruz is having a rough night. That's what he gets for being a salsa dancing cocksucker last year. Put together more than one good season before you start celebrating in the end zone like Chad Ochofuckface. Bradshaw just got his tits blown off. Great hit.
10:30 - Maybe if Morris Claiborne scored better than a 6 on his Wonderlic he wouldn't have been Bradshaw's sloppy bitch on that touchdown run. Great tackle, retard!
10:36 - Demarco Murray just salvaged a poop fantasy night with that run. Hell of an effort on his part. Felix Jones would have taken that hand off, tripped over a line on the field, spilled onto the ball cock first and burst a testicle. SANDLOT SCRAMBLE PLAY FOR A FIRST DOWN BY ROMO! THE POWER OF THE BACKWARDS BALL CAP IS TRANSCENDENT!!!
10:43 - FG makes it 17-10 Cowboys. Quarter 3 over.
10:54 - Giants start the 4th quarter the same way they started the 1st. Impressively shitty.
10:59 - Cowboys driving again. Murray fuckin punishes people when he runs. It's really fun to watch, actually. If he stays healthy, he could be one of the best backs in the league. I'll buy in.
11:05 - FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fucking Christ! Can we run a series without a zillion flags? G$'s secret crush Miles Austin just possibly put this game out of reach as he scores over the Giants 12th string corner and flashes his 50 tooth smile. G$ is flicking his bean to this replay somewhere in Columbus.
11:13 - Ahmad Bradshaw is killing Eli Manning's fantasy night but keeping the Giants in this game. Bradshaw will probably break something in 4 weeks so get what you can out of him now. Victor Cruz is fucking shit! What a limp dicked turd. If that faggot catches a TD in this game and salsa dances after I'm shooting him in the balls.
11:22 - ELI brings the Giants within one score of America blaming Romo for this loss. Even though Romo has never played in the defensive secondary in his life. Do you pass here? Yeah...you pass here since I'm pretty sure I saw Buke and Clint Stover (Napoleon reference!) at corner for the Giants.
11:30 - Romo to Ogletree for the dagger 1st down. Aaaaaaaaaand that should do it. Pending any funkiness this shit is over. And that means I'm out. Peace out, bitches. I hope all your fantasy teams look like the Giants offense this week.