Thursday, September 06, 2012

Live Blog!!

                           Eli Manning's high school Senior year picture.

I'm a little late turning the TV on for the big NFL opener tonight.  I was down at the liquor store trying to find a 30 year old bottle of whiskey I could have for my house in order to impress a bunch of fuckers I actually hate when it really comes down to it. If nothing else it should show them how sophisticated I am.  Since I'm just an uneducated, beer drinking, hillbilly fucktard, I'll take the white trash easy way out and live blog this bitch.  So now that I'm in my Wrangler jeans and favorite Jimmy Johnson t-shirt...let's dive in and catch up to the action.

7:38 - What did I miss so far?  Oh...Mariah Carey still has linebacker calves and Cee-Lo is still a weird midget.  Cool, so I missed nothing.

7:40 - These fuckin 1st game of the NFL season pregame shows get more and more faggity every year.  Nice gold shoulder pads, queers.  Are we being completely serious with this bullshit right now?  The only way that could have been more homo is if those gold shoulder pad guys were jerking each other off while dancing around like gay little sprites and violently rubbing semen on their gums like coke sluts going through heavy withdrawal symptoms.  Oh...No Doubt is up next.  Apparently this is 1996.

7:45 - Phil Simms still has shit breath.  Check.

7:46 - John Gruden continues to have a haircut you see on every single 5 year old boy.  Never change, Gruden.  HOLY FUCKIN CHRIST TITS!  Peyton Manning is dressed like my dead Grandfather!  Nice suit, Plaid King!!

7:48 - Speaking of shit breath...Peter King is looking rather disgusting this evening.

7:53 - Jason Witten is a fuckin BEAR!  He went from being out 4-6 weeks with a lacerated spleen (an injury I was just informed killed my GF's best friend 6 years ago) to starting tonight in a matter of 10 days.  Good Gawd!  I respect him the same way LS respects a single malt Highland Park drinker!  ZING!

7:56 - Grumpy just got rock hard.  Hines Ward smile sighting.  That faggot's answer to Costas' fuckin SOFTBALL question sounded rehearsed....and gay...and Asian. God, I hate that fucker.

8:01 - Michelle Beadle is hot.  She was the only reason to tune into that bullshit show that Colon Cowfucker pretends is watchable.  Now that she's not on it there's no reason to tune in.

8:17 - Now that I'm done eating...Hey!  Did you guys know that ELI is funny?  It's crazy how being dressed in a wool track suit makes you the better dressed brother tonight.

8:26 - Gwen Stefani should be happy that her stretch marks don't show up on HDTV so half of America can still try and pretend she's fuckable.  In other news, No Doubt needs to hang it up.

8:32 - I wonder how many YOOOOOOOOOUGE's we'll hear tonight from Michaels.  I'm saying less than 10.  It's a long season and he needs to pace himself.

8:38 - Ah.  The incredibly awful hip hop version of the Star Spangled Banner.  Exactly the way Francis Scott Key intended when he drew it up.  Is that an XXXXL jersey made out of a tattered bed sheet that ol' Queen Latifa is wearing?

8:41 KICKOFF!!

8:43 - Three and out.  Nice hands, Victor Cruz.  Did Eli's dart have a little too much hot cheese on it?  Colon Cowturd does NOT appreciate Tony Romo introducing himself with a backwards hat on.  Did you guys know that a backwards hat means he's not CEREBRAL?  It's TOTES true.

8:46 - Three and out.  Blame Felix Jones.  Blame everything on Felix Jones.  Hixon just ran more than 10 yards without blowing out his knee for the 3rd straight year.  That's progress.  And here's commercial break number one of 30 billion.

8:53 - GREAT shot of the Manning family.  Papa Bear looking like a drugged out Where's Waldo and Mama Bear using her tongue to clean the front of her teeth.  Pristine camera work, fellas.

8:56 - And with that carry everyone can safely drop David Wilson off their fantasy teams.  Coughlin is currently activating every running back on the practice squad so he can bury Wilson even further on the depth chart.

9:05 - Garrett showing some uncharacteristic balls on the 4th and inches here.  Complete failure.  Because when you need a yard...hand the ball off to a fuckin fullback who registers about 3 carries a year.  THAT'LL FOOL EM!  LOLZ!

9:09 - Every time Nicks catches a pass and gets tackled, I hold my breath until he gets up.  For a guy who is made out of fucking glass, I sure do draft him a lot in fantasy football.

9:11 - First quarter in the books and there's probably quite a few pissed off fantasy owners (ME!).  Start scoring some points, you fucks!

9:15 - First play of the second quarter is a YOOOOOOOUGE loss to make it 2nd and tard for the Giants.  And Demarcus Ware gets his 100th sack. Pretty incredible considering he came from Troy. comes another punt and another God damn commercial.

9:19 - Dez Bryant is high on his mom's whorish pussy filth and thinks he wasn't tackled on the play.  ELITE stiff arm by Tony Romo on a busted play.  That's what a backwards ball cap'll getcha!  Silly bitch school yard plays on the fly!  It'll also get you an ELITE near pick six on the very next play.

9:25 - Since David Wilson has been nuked back to 8th string, let's see how Bradshaw is at handling goal line duties..........................shitty.  Remarkable shot of Rob Ryan saying "fuck" 87 times in 12 seconds after Cruz got absolutely mugged at the goal line.  3-0 Giants.

9:33 - Jason Pierre Paul is wearing the same gloves that Barry Weiss wears when he roots through the storage lockers he pays way too much money for.  Because that is more interesting to talk about than what's currently happening.  Another fucking punt.  I'll start up again when something interesting happens.

9:47 - It's worth mentioning Dez Bryant looks unguardable.  It's also worth mentioning that he probably wears a belt of knives under his shoulder pads.  TOUCHDOWN!  Finally!!  That noise you hear is the mad dash of every fantasy owner hitting the waiver wire for Kevin Ogletree.  I'm pretty sure the ESPN mainframe just crashed.

9:53 - Second drop by Cruz and his flaccid penis hands.  Sack.  Draw.  Halftime.  Nice series, fags.  The DVR just informed me that football was about to be changed because "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." has a series recording set up.  Everyone should know I'm not above murdering my GF and I'm pretty sure Drew would help me pull it off.

10:10 - 3rd quarter begins.

10:15 - Felix Jones is the worst running back in the league.  Jerruh only keeps that pussy around because releasing him means he was fucking wrong.

10:17 - "Be sure to drink your Ogletree.  Ogletree?  A crummy commercial??  Sonofabitch..."  That is an ELITE movie reference only the coolest people will get.  Anyway...that 2nd TD locks Ogletree as the most added fantasy player this week which also means he'll suck taint the rest of the year.

10:24 - Man, Victor Cruz is having a rough night.  That's what he gets for being a salsa dancing cocksucker last year.  Put together more than one good season before you start celebrating in the end zone like Chad Ochofuckface.  Bradshaw just got his tits blown off.  Great hit.

10:30 - Maybe if Morris Claiborne scored better than a 6 on his Wonderlic he wouldn't have been Bradshaw's sloppy bitch on that touchdown run.  Great tackle, retard!

10:36 - Demarco Murray just salvaged a poop fantasy night with that run.  Hell of an effort on his part.  Felix Jones would have taken that hand off, tripped over a line on the field, spilled onto the ball cock first and burst a testicle.  SANDLOT SCRAMBLE PLAY FOR A FIRST DOWN BY ROMO!  THE POWER OF THE BACKWARDS BALL CAP IS TRANSCENDENT!!!

10:43 - FG makes it 17-10 Cowboys.  Quarter 3 over.

10:54 - Giants start the 4th quarter the same way they started the 1st.  Impressively shitty.

10:59 - Cowboys driving again.  Murray fuckin punishes people when he runs.  It's really fun to watch, actually.  If he stays healthy, he could be one of the best backs in the league.  I'll buy in.

11:05 - FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Fucking Christ!  Can we run a series without a zillion flags?  G$'s secret crush Miles Austin just possibly put this game out of reach as he scores over the Giants 12th string corner and flashes his 50 tooth smile.  G$ is flicking his bean to this replay somewhere in Columbus.

11:13 - Ahmad Bradshaw is killing Eli Manning's fantasy night but keeping the Giants in this game.  Bradshaw will probably break something in 4 weeks so get what you can out of him now.  Victor Cruz is fucking shit!  What a limp dicked turd.  If that faggot catches a TD in this game and salsa dances after I'm shooting him in the balls.

11:22 - ELI brings the Giants within one score of America blaming Romo for this loss.  Even though Romo has never played in the defensive secondary in his life.  Do you pass here? pass here since I'm pretty sure I saw Buke and Clint Stover (Napoleon reference!) at corner for the Giants.

11:30 - Romo to Ogletree for the dagger 1st down.  Aaaaaaaaaand that should do it.  Pending any funkiness this shit is over.  And that means I'm out.  Peace out, bitches.  I hope all your fantasy teams look like the Giants offense this week.


Nate B. said...

Two good references:

Little Orphan Annie decoder ring

Clint Stover - wasn't he given the boot of the team for doing donuts on the practice field?

Nate B. said...

*off the team

The Iceman said...

Sounds right but I can't confirm. The only boot I knew about was my Junior year when Jeremy Cullen got kicked off for buying cigarrettes while wearing his game day uniform. Top 5 most ELITE ideas

Nate B is officially cool for being the first person to nail my excellent movie reference.

Grumpy said...

Iceman, that was enjoyable and entertaining, which can't be said for the game.

The Iceman said...

Thanks, Grumpy. I was just free stylin' with my backwards ball cap on. Drawin' up plays in the sand and goin' with'em just like the great Tony Romo would have. I can't take credit though. It was the ball cap. Magical things started happening once I turned that sumbitch backwards.

Brady said...

Excellent live blog, Ice. I always enjoy these.

Is it too soon to dance on Art Modell's grave?

Brady said...

Highlights for me:

-Sprite reference! Awesome. Here's a fun fact for you. Did you know sprites are also lightning bolt's that go up from the tops of big thunderstorms? ELITE weather reference!

-Barry Weis sighting. Everytime he puts on those skeleton gloves I get the shivers. Sure he LOOKS like everyone's quirky uncle but you know he uses those baby's in snuff films.

-Did you know the ref from last night is a gym teacher and middle school AD from Idaho? If you didn't, NBC made sure to mention it 50 million times. We fucking get it. He's just some crotch sniffer who's been thrust into the national spot light. It's really not that great of a story. I'm sure Peter King will have 5000 words dedicated to it next week though.

-Ogletree... STOP stealing all of Dez's balls. Seriously. Do you want his mother to die after you stole her sons glory and he came home with a roll of quarters in his hand? Fuck you brah.

-Victor Cruz is one of my keepers. SMH (as the black folk on twitter would say).

Anonymous said...

I'll help anyone here kill just about anyone.

Dut is down something like 38-0 after night 1 of the G$FL.....LOLZ!

That was not a good opening night game.


Anonymous said...

Brady....Peter King won't mention it because it seems like he's been paid off by the real refs and only talks shit about how horrible the replacement refs, blah blah blah.


GMoney said...

I didn't watch one damn play of this game. Remember, I had to drive to Nap and back for a last minute fantasy draft. But reading this made me feel like I WAS THERE!

Thanks to the ESPN station out of Lima for giving me an Indians game over football because that's a real ratings getter. I did get to listen to the FOURF quarter though. Boomer Esiason pretty much called Justin Tryon a piece of shit faggot and the worst player on the planet. Since Tryon is a former Skin, I already knew this.

Same with Vic Cruz...of course he would be awful now that I have him on two of my 5 teams. Asshole Blaxican.

I knew the Christmas Story reference. Kevin Ogletree still blows. It will be LOL when the league idiot gets him this week.

Any post talking about Barry Weiss is a good post. Funny story: I was talking to my mom over the weekend and the convo veered toward Storage Wars. She went nuts about how Dave Hester overestimates the value of everything in his lockers. "Oh, a box of books...that's worth at least ten million dollars". She hates Dave Hester. I approve.

The Iceman said...

It's never too early, Brady. Let's get our dancing shoes on. I'm going naked like I always do.

Thanks, Drew. I knew I could count on you.

I didn't think the refs were completely terrible last night. I only can think of 2 or 3 plays they completely botched. Ed Hochuli would have blew just as many since he would have been too busy admiring how sweet his guns look in that youth medium referee's shirt he requested.

Your mom's a smart lady. I said the same shit about Dave Hester and Darrell a few weeks ago. "That's a $200 bill right there, Brando!" For 3 couch cushions????

Anonymous said...

I actually think Jarrod is the worst over-estimater on that show. He tends to buy lockers full of shit...and then he just tosses it all around while shouting ludicrous numbers at Brandi to validate his retarded purchases. I never come close to agreeing with the numbers he throws out there.

Iceman....Michelle Beadle is TOTES NOT hot anymore. Her face looks fucking disgusting with all of the botox and plastic surgery she's thrown into it.

LOLZ @ G$ and most likely Slow Seal being the only two people in Ohio listening to the Indians on the radio last night.


GMoney said...

Darrell lives in a world where "30 dollar bill all day long"s actually exist.

During one of my drafts a few weeks ago (the Four Loko debacle), toward the end I caught myself bidding up players with the Darrell eye brow raise and the Barry HERE HERE! It was ELITE to me.

And for those questioning my decision to drive to Nap and back on the same evening, when you have the chance to spend three hours in a room with your criminally insane defensive coordinator from high school (AND MY KICKING COACH!), you always do it.

Jeff said...

Quality live blog Ice. Glad you could get out of your "Meeeshigan sucks coma" to write it.

Glad to see my boy MAustin get that TD. That was for you G$.

Brady - You can dance on Modell's grave as long as you light the Cuyahoga river on fire again

Prime99 said...

Fuck- my week one match up in one league came against someone who WANTED Eli but got STUCK with Romo. He also has Miles Austin. I'm down by 35 as I have Ackmed Bradhaw in 3 of 4 leagues! Shitballs.

That 30 year old bottle of whiskey better be named after you!

The second half was relatively entertaining. I hope Olgetree is a flash in the pan because I hate the way Al Michaels says his name.

GMoney said...

RIP Art Modell. You are a hero and should be celebrated as such. Browns fans are too dumb to walk away from that horrible franchise and you were kind enough to make that decision for them. A true patriot and great American!

Brady said...

I've actually stopped watching Storage wars. After reading the numerous articles about how it was all staged, I lost my love for it. I think deep down I knew it was probably scripted before but Brandi's enormous tits got me through it. Now that it's a certainty, I'm out.

I would've actually liked to witness the river on fire. How often do you get to see water burn? I've been reading that the death of Modell might finally end our curse. Sure. Why not? The Browns have turned me into pimple-faced freshman who plays dungeons and dragons in the basement. Nowhere to go but up!

GMoney said...

Brady, goddammit, you infuriate me with your non-sense making ways. I love sausage but I don't need to see the pig get slaughtered. Why would you want to know if a great show is staged? Why would you go on message boards where you KNOW that no one is going to say anything nice about your team? Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Bigger rack: Pumpkin Tits Passante or Laura the annoying auction helper?

Anonymous said...

ALL REALITY TV IS STAGED! haha come on fools...

All they do is take real people and put them on TV, there is no reality of what is going on...

Victor was open and targeted. He has a big year in store don't worry Gmoney believe in the Kruuuussseee.

- J Saul

The Iceman said...

Don't forget to pay the lady!! Everyone has their own catch phrase, apparently. I'm going with Brandi since you know those beefers are artificially enhanced compared to Laura's saggy Au Natches. I can't believe a guy like Jarrod gets to plow that every night.

Fuck it...I'll still watch it for Barry's shananigans. It's only a half hour of my time I'm wasting. I waste more time than that on a borderline fake sports blog about 40 people pay attention to. I can't really justify ditching a fake show that only requires a 30 minute investment at this point.

My next live blog will be a play by play of Raperberger's next victim, Jeff. Stay tuned!

Brady said...

All valid points, G$. I just can't get over it though. One of the last episodes I watched was Barry hitting on Laura in a very public and uncomfortable way. There is no way Barry doesn't have human skin suits in his closet.

I also can't stand the overestimation of prices that you guys already mentioned. That shit drives me crazy. Just because you said something is worth $100 doesn't mean you instantly profit off of it. That only works for the underpants gnomes. Somebody still has to buy it at that price.

They do the same shit on on American Pickers. You can ask anything you want, Frank Frtiz, but nobody is paying you $500 for that toy car.

GMoney said...

I'm a big fan of that Mexican guy that shows up with leather shoes and 50K in straight cash homey and just bullies the shit out of people. That guy is a real playa compared to Darrell's shoulder hair and tank top combo.

You've got to give it up to Jarrod. He runs an awful store, is clearly white trash, nails a hot chick nightly, AND convinced her to never actually get married. PIMP.

Brady said...

I do give Jarrod props. He also wears those awful pants that aren't quite shorts and aren't quite jeans. How the fuck do you walk out in public with your white trash princess on your arm in that get up? He clearly knows something we all don't.

I still check out Auction Hunters when I can. Allen still wears a chain in the opening sequence. LOL

Anonymous said...

This statement is completely false...


I'd like to kill Iceman's girlfriend with the help of Barry....and we'd both be wearing his gloves.


GMoney said...

So it looks like we're putting hits out on people now. Good to know that this is now an ASSASSINS 4 HIRE blog.

GMoney said...

By the way, I am very much not happy that Romo avoided shitting all over himself again last night. And is Eli back to being a DERP?

Anonymous said...

Romo to Austin is going to be a lethal combo in the G$FL and Romo to Dez will be just as formiddable in the MSFL. My skills are unmatched.

Rot in hell, Art.


The Iceman said...

Eli will be fine. He is a notorious slow starter. If you look at week 1 last year he only had 16 fantasy point compared to his 14 from last night. I guess the "See? I told you Eli sucks" comments that start up week 4 really motivate him to play better. Dick hands Cruz didn't do him any favors last night, either.

Brady said...

I'm sure Eli will suck balls now that I dropped Marmalard and added him to my team this season. Cruz did drop some passes but they still targeted him a ton. I still have faith in Salsa.

The tweets and blog comments coming out of Cleveland are hilarious. Sure, you get the occasional "represent Cleveland better" and "how can you celebrate death" but the overall reactions is spectacular. Cleveland fans have suffered for so long I think the nation should give us a free for all day on this one.

Excellent Star wars post on KSK, G$. I LOL'd on that one.

GMoney said...

You liked that, eh? Probably because it was an ELITE comment!

My favorite Cowherd-ism is VISCERAL.

Prime99 said...

LeBron James thinks Art Modell was a swell guy.

The Iceman said...

Art Modell probably appreciated whiskey the same way the commenters here apparently do...

Anonymous said...

Since ICE is trollin for some whiskey comments...

You ever seen a gay guy drinking straight whiskey?

I rest my case...

- J Saul

Shook's Son said...

I drink it all the time down at The Manhole.

Shook's Son said...

Oh, you were talking about whiskey? I thought you meant man-gravy. Well, I can definitely taste the whiskey in that knowwhatimsayin'!!!!