Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hey Everyone: TU ERE MARICON!

I didn't even know that he knew Uncle T!!!
The best thing about this time of year is that football reigns supreme. But you can’t forget about the other sports that are less interesting than football. That is a huge mistake. Especially here--a terrible website with terrible contributors--because it’s not just the future suicide committers that provide the dumb on a daily basis. Idiocy does not discriminate. No matter what sport we talk about, “moron” is always the flavor of the day. A few months ago, I wrote a Tony Award-winning post that played the game “Who’s Dumber”. I think that Dwight Howard won. So today I thought that we could play it again but only if we somehow avoid football. Is it possible? Unlikely, but we will try our best. Today’s nominees for “Who’s Dumber” are:

Yunel Escobar – TU ERE MARICON! I have a feeling that this guy is going to win the vote easily today for writing YOU ARE A FAGGOT in Spanish on his eye strips. Remember how Tim Tebow likes to put dumb bible verses on his face? This is the hilarious exact opposite. Why would you even do this? Does Escobar think that no one other than him speaks Spanish? I applaud his open and honest hatred for Greg Louganis’s kin and all, but this might be the #1 dumbest display of the year.

Metta World Peace – The Lakers goal this year is to go 73-9! I used to get mad about Artest always being in the news for saying stupid shit but then I realized, why would anyone stop asking this Martian’s opinion? He has no filter at all and is certifiably insane. Have you seen his stand-up routine that is making its way around the internet this week? AWFUL! But seriously, the Lakers aren’t going to set any regular season wins records this year. They’re too old with average coaching and very little depth. They don’t care about the regular season anyway. Just get them to May and then they’ll turn it on.

Greg Norman – Tiger Woods is definitely afraid of Rory McIlroy, huh? I’m sorry, Shark, but the most dominant golfer of all time isn’t afraid of a guy who looks like Little Orphan Annie. Tiger is getting older, not becoming a pussy. Period. I see that Tiger responded by saying that it isn’t like Ray Lewis is trying to tackle him or something. It’s just a guy named Rory. Tiger makes a great point, too, because Ray Ray got away with murder and you should be afraid of him. Tiger ain’t ‘fraid of nuffin’!

Jim Leyland – I would be SHOCKED if Miguel Cabrera doesn’t win the MVP! Also, Justin The Pitcher Guy has created t-shirts with the phrase “Keep the MVP in The D” on them. Whoo boy, where to start? First of all, personal awards in sports mean absolutely nothing. Let’s just get that out there. No one gives any sort of fucks about who wins what. Did you win a championship? That is what matters. Second, it would be kind of cool if someone won the Triple Crown and if he pulls that off then maybe the fat drunk should win. I’d be OK with that. But I just can’t shake my feelings that the league MVP should make the postseason and that is why I find this to be really stupid. The Tigers are in the middle of a playoff chase that is slipping away VERY fast yet the #1 topic in their Busch reg-filled clubhouse is the MVP candidacy of Miggy. That doesn’t sit well with me. Again, this award means nothing if the team with the nine figure payroll wastes an entire season with mediocre play. Maybe the Tigers should worry more about making the playoffs and much, much less about a trophy that Lardo is just going to turn into a scotch bong anyway.

Tony Stat Boy Reali - He's been rocking the "groomed stubble" look for the last few weeks on the dreadful Around The Horn.  It looks terrible.  He looks like a transient hobo.  When you take fashion tips from Dut, you are doomed to look like an asshole.  Or do you need groomed stubble to own your own glory hole?  Hmmm, now I don't know what to think.

So who gets your vote for the dumbest non-football player of the week? Yunel is an easy target but I’m always biased against the fucktardery of anything related to the Tigers. Who won Big Brother? If Dan lost (as he will), I demand an epic formal apology from Grumpy. See you around the way tomorrow when the BRAHs make their triumphant return to TGI Friday’s!

65 comments:

The Iceman said...

Suck it Grumpy. First again. You're gonna love the way my first commenting balls taste by Friday.

Give the MVP to Cabrera so he can find a way to drink bourbon out of the trophy.

The Iceman said...

Oh...and I'm saying Norman is the dumbest. No golfer is ever feared by anyone because all golfers are pussies.

Grumpy said...

My humblest apology. However, Dan played his way to 50k while all your "social" players got zip.

Grumpy said...

Oh , the biggest non football douche of the week is easily the Iceman. He spent thousands and bought a diamond ring just so he could comment first for a few days. Who does that?

GMoney said...

Yeah, Iceman is always the worst. Tu Ere Maricon!

But so are you for not understanding how reality TV works. It was never going to be Dan although for awhile I thought that he might have the votes. Ian is a deserving champion even though he is a titanic nerd. Excellent season that will only get better next year when I spend the finale banging the life out of Julie Chen.

Jeff said...

Tiger is TOTES scurred! Rory is the TROOF!

Shane Morris is the dumbest. Who gets Mono? GO BLOW!!

MUDawgfan said...

The funniest part about Escobar is how he pretended he didn't understand the language and thus, the mistake. His press conference had an interpreter so he could answer questions and half of them he pretended he still didn't understand. Gotta love Latin Americans, just calling people faggots and watching asses shake on SABADO GIGANTE!
Whoops, I messed up? Me so sorry, yo no habla....all is forgiven.

My dumbest comment of the week goes to John Gruden from Monday night football.
There was a stoppage in pay while the Replacement Refs reviewed a play and a small fight broke out. Just pushing and shoving, no punches but Gruden had the bright idea to say "You know, there just isn't any place in football for pushing and shoving"

LOLWUT? It takes place EVERY SINGLE PLAY!

GMoney said...

Dawg, that's what makes Escobar especially stupid. Doesn't understand what language exactly? The one that he's fluent in? He must be one of those rare Escobars that only speaks Arabic.

Jon Gruden is always a Grade A moron from Bovine University (AKA Dayton). PEYTON IS DA SHERIFF!

Who the hell is Shane Morris?

Jeff said...

Meeshigan's gay boy 5 star QB recruit

Stir the pot......

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Shane Morris's love for making out with dudes finally caught up to him and looks like it will cost him his Senior year.

"No one gives any sort of fucks about who wins what." -- LOL WUT? You gave all sorts of fucks about Verlander winning the MVP....in fact you were/have been very mad about it.

I don't mind your "team must make the postseason to win MVP" rule...but, I don't think it really should apply to baseball. Baseball is too much of an individual sport to apply that rule. If Trout or Miggy were still putting up these numbers for the Mariners it shouldn't be held against them that the rest of their team sucks ass.

Tiger might be scurred of Rory, because Tiger is no longer Tiger. But, Tiger's fanboys stilll don't get that.

Here's what I don't get about Escobar. There has to be some sort of way that he could have lied and said he didn't know that anything was written on them right? Fuck...say a bat boy put them on your face...pay him $ 50K to lose his minimum wage bat boy job...and you still make out a $ 31K profit. Yunel Escobar.....you are the dumbest of the dumb.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Escobar is hard to beat but I'll make an argument for Metta World Penis.

Sure, th Lakers wll be good, but what is going on with them these days that makes me believe they'll be healthy for 82 games an go 73-9? Nothing. Howard has back problems and is a maricon. Kobe is getting old. Nash is old. Gasoline is getting older. MWP is even getting old, is streaky, will get suspended and is certifiably nuts. Great job putting a target on your back. I think they'll lose one game to Sac this year. It was a dumb thing to say, no doubt.

Prime99 said...

I actually know the bat boy of the SF Giants makes $200K. When the won the Series, he got tipped out over $50K. But you're right, the Blue Jays bat boy makes Canadian play money so it is probably less.

GMoney said...

I'm being TOTES SERIAL about individual awards being quite pointless. I only get mad about the MVP last year because it's a fucking pitcher and they shouldn't even be in the discussion.

No non-white trash is going to buy a "Keep the MVP in the D" t-shirt because who cares? But World Series gear is a big fucking deal. So keep worrying about stupid individual awards and forget about trying to limp dick your way into the playoffs.

Everyone knows that MVP is Ichiro anyway with his 7 for 8 4 SB DH yesterday!

NO FUCKING WAY that a Bat Boy makes 200K. Why are you friends with a 13 year old boy anyway, pedophile???

Anonymous said...

What g$ means by not caring about individual awards is he only cares when his team's players win. He is still angry about verlander winning every award last year.

Rg3 is complaining again. Any more shit out of him and he's getting released from the fleshlights.

Since you don't want to give the MVP to a player that doesn't make the playoffs, who you going to give it to? Trout ain't makin the playoffs, and miggy has about a 34% chance.

Dut

Prime99 said...

He's a friend of a friend and he's 24 years old!!!!

GMoney said...

24 year old bat boy...LOL!

Dut, I thought I said that it just doesn't seem right for the MVP to come from a garbage team because clearly he isn't very valuable then. I don't know, I'd probably vote for Adam "Not Pacman" Jones if the season ended today just because I believe that there is a huge difference between best hitter and MVP.

My team's players never win individual awards because of the obvious Midwest and West Coast bias!!! I'd rather have the rings.

GMoney said...

Prime, he should at least call himself "Bat Man" which makes that job and it's ridiculous 200K+tips salary the greatest job of all time just by subbing man in for boy.

Anonymous said...

"Nobody cares"...then "I only got mad about the MVP last year"....thanks for playing G$...you care quite a bit actually.

LOLZ that Prime thinks a bat boy makes $ 200K. What's the over/under on how much money Prime has sent to his relative in Nigeria?

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Take all the Lions wins for the decade of the 2000-2009, add them up, and that can be the O/U. I have the under.

Anonymous said...

G$ - Don't act like this is only a baseball thing. Indy awards in all sports are pointless. If anything, I think the baseball ones are the best because of the century of history behind these stats/awards. You only don't care when the Tigers are in the conversation, otherwise you love having these debates. Hell you make pre-season predictions, and regularly have post about who is the current Cy and MVP...

Also, its MVP, not MVPthathelpshisteamgettotheplayoffs. I think we've had this debate. Miggy is about to do something that hasn't been done in 45 years, in an era dominated by pitching right now (fortunately for him, he doesn't have to face the games best....)

Your just trollin for comment records...

- J Saul

Jeff said...

Indy awards mean nothing. The NL Batting champ will be in the midst of serving a 50 susp. CASE and POINT!

Jeff said...

Good for Miggy. He's just lucky Hamilton missed so many games and 50 less ABs. Any GM would trade Miggy for Mike Trout.

GMoney said...

How can you be valuable though if your 135 million dollar payroll fails miserably? It's quite the conundrum that will be argued until the end of time.

But a Triple Crown run is pretty impressive.

I only care when someone shitty like Honey Boo Boolander or a turd like Jut Morneau wins. So I guess I do care a little; but not much. I'm going to start phasing the award prediction from my preseason predictions in all sports.

I see that the White Sox still have six games left with the WINdians so, yeah, the Tigers will likely be sitting at the fishing hole come October.

Anonymous said...

But the windians got HAFNER BACK!!! Look out!

The tigers have 13 with the royals and twins. The sox have 4 with the rays. Should be a battle of who can murk bad baseball teams.

How can you be most valuable if your 135 mil payroll fails miserably? How about leading or in 2nd place in the major batting categories? Or hitting .465 with runners in scoring position/2 outs? There are 24 more players on the roster to help answer that question.

Jeff- I would NOT trade miggy for trout. Especially since the tigers have a solid cf named austin Jackson that they stole from the Yankees. Seriously though, the tigers are looking very good in that trade. Scherzer+Jackson>grandy

Dut

Anonymous said...

I saw a stat last night that Miggy has like 15 homers in the 7th inning or later this year...next closest was 10. When you're hitting a lot of late inning bombs, you're pretty valuable.

--Drew

GMoney said...

How many times do I have to keep inferring that it is all subjective? AGAIN, I don't believe that MVP = guy having the best season. If the Tigers miss the playoffs then really how valuable was he? It's not like he's playing with the Mariners so don't give me that "24 other guys" bullshit.

If he wins, I'd be OK with it because the season IS a monster. But I'd be more sold on if the team were actually not mediocre.

You're an idiot though for saying that you wouldn't trade Miggy for Trout because you already have Austin Jackson. Every player in the league would get dealt for Trout one for one. Every single one of them.

But in all honesty, wouldn't you rather have your team talking about making the playoffs instead of crying about the MVP award? I'd be pissed if that was coming from my team.

Anonymous said...

The Tigers are still in the playoff hunt, whats there to talk about?

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Good teams don't trail bad White Sox teams in late September, chach.

Jeff said...

I'd rather have my team worry about who can drink the most beer and eat the most fried chicken in the clubhouse during games, than worry about making the playoffs. Just sayin.

J Saul - That's what G$ is saying. Talk about the playoffs, not awards.

Anonymous said...

"The Tigers are still in the playoff hunt, whats there to talk about?"

Why they haven't clinched a berth or at least holding a spot with a substantial upgrade in talent and payroll. There's a solid talking point.

Or we could talk about how some guy pointed a gun at the googlemaps truck in Detroit yesterday. Both are hilarious.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Not giving a guy an MVP award (individual award) because of the team's record (team stuff) is and will always be dumb as fuck. It's just as dumb as Stalworth and Swann in the HOF because of their 4 superbowl trophies. If Cabrera is putting up MVP numbers, why should he get crushed or penalized for others not doing their job properly? The Tigers still have a shot at the playoffs because of what he's doing this year. If he weren't playing this way or even on the team the Tigers would be in last place by 30 games. He gives them a chance to get swept in the first round of the playoffs. I would say that's pretty valuable.

GMoney said...

I just don't know how I can explain myself any more. The Tigers are a HUGE disappointment this year so it's hard for me to justify the MVP coming from that team. Not impossible, but hard nonetheless.

But Jeff and Ide are right: making up awesome tees BRAH for an MVP candidacy and crying to reporters seems extremely short-sighted and DUMB when you are in the final stages of salvaging your season.

The Iceman said...

"I just don't know how I can explain myself any more. The Tigers are a HUGE disappointment this year so it's hard for me to justify the MVP coming from that team."

And I don't know why that matters since we aren't giving the MVP trophy to the entire team.

Let me ask you this...if someone in the NBA averages 25/10/10 for the year yet their team misses the playoffs, would you feel the same in giving the MVP trophy to someone on a playoff team?

Anonymous said...

For $200k I would be a batboy. I would even wear one of those jerseys that says "BATBOY" on the back.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

The Tigers really aren't that far off of finishing with as many wins as the statistical guys predicted them to win in the regular season. G$...just because your brah Colin Cowherd says something really loud....doesn't make it a fact. If you took what the smart stat guys said...it's far from a "HUGE disappointment". A lot depends on how they finish.
I'm not surprised you watch Around The Horn.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The Reds let a 33 yr old man with Downs Syndrome be their bat boy a month ago. There is no fucking way a bat boy makes $ 200K. Prime still must believe in Santa Claus if he believes that tale.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

It does seem pretty unbelievable. The only way I can see $200k being true is 1) in a place like SF where the cost of living makes $200k like $100k here, and 2) where the "Batboy" is really more of an equipment manager and his real title was lost in translation.

-Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

The Bat Man is trying to hang on and becoming the team equipment manager when that guy retires. Just because the Reds only need a retarded bat boy doesn't mean other teams don't need full timers who know what they are doing.

GMoney said...

Li'l Strut, would you have the balls to wear that jersey if the "number" on the back was BB??? That always kills me.

Iceman, so let's just say that Kevin Love averages a triple double on a 25 win team and Luke Harangody throws up a 20/12 on the #1 team in the league (very likely). Yes, the MVP goes to the guy on the team that's good regardless of the insane triple double season. IT IS JUST MY OPINION. If you can't lead your team to the postseason, it isn't that great of a season.

How can you be TRANSCENDENT if you are OVERRATED and not ELITE?--best question in the history of this great site

I'm not surprised you watch Around The Horn.

What can I say: I'm a sucker for groomed stubble and Bill Plaschke's power lisp.

The Iceman said...

But here's the thing. Putting up those numbers you ARE leading your team to the post season. If Kevin Love has guys like Ben Gordon, Chaz Villanueva, etc surrounding him then he's straight fucked. If the team fails to make it to the post season, clearly that isn't his fault. It's the management's fault for putting ass players around you. How can you justify penalizing a player for something he has zero control over?

Anonymous said...

OK...whatever Prime....the Assistant to the Equipment Manager...aka Bat Boy....does not make $ 200K.

According to Google (I can't believe I just Googled this...Prime is so dumb)....the average salary for a MLB bat boy is $ 10 an hour and they get to see the game for free. So, that means your buddy is not a bat boy. Which brings us to the salary of an assistant equipment manager. I couldn't find that...but, it's not $200K.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Iceman's post just reminded me that Ben Gordon is no longer a Piston....woot woot!

--Drew

GMoney said...

But the Tigers don't have ass players. They have really good players and very few weaknesses. This is an argument for Andrew McCutcheon to make; not the scotch connossieur. Everything isn't black and white for me here. On a team as loaded as the Tigers, if they fail to make the playoffs then no one should go home with any hardware.

I mean, just because Omar Vizquel passed Babe Ruth on the all-time hits list (happened yesterday) doesn't mean that he's going into the HOF. Because he isn't since Omar was an average player. I'm not sure how this relates to the argument of the day but I wanted to take a shot at Tribe fans.

In other AWESOME Redskins news:
*“I’m a Nickelback kind of guy,”--DeAngelo Hall. I hate DeAngelo Hall.
*Alfred Morris, a starting RB in the NFL, drives a 1991 Mazda that is worth a thousand bucks.

Anonymous said...

G$,

I would even have the "BB" on the back.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Drew,

It would not surprise me if the highest assistant equipment manager in San Fran made $200k. Again, the cost of living there is like 64% higher there than around Ohio. So his $200k salary is only work about $121k here. It wouldn's suprise me if the #2 equipment guy at an MLB team made that coin, considering his boss probably makes at least 50% more. A simple "batboy" certainly wouldn't make that much though.

http://www.infoplease.com/business/economy/cost-living-index-us-cities.html

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

MC Hammer was the bat boy of the Oakland A's. He later went on to make hit records and subsequently go bankrupt, raising the question to be asked by few years down the road: is it possible to make $200k as a bat boy. I would say it's as possible as a black guy getting rich and staying that way. The moral of the story? This conversation is fucking retarded.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I'm suprised you haven't jumped on the Alfred Morris only driving a 1991 Mazda comment yet, Ide. I can immediately think of about 3 things that should be in your wheelhouse.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

WHICH ONE! You better say "all of them"!

OMG RON SWANSON RETURNS TONIGHT!!!

Anonymous said...

"They have really good players and very few weaknesses."

The Tigers actually have plenty of weaknesses...

Terrible defense at 3B, 1B, SS, LF, CF.

Terrible DH (Loss of V-Mart)

For 75% of the season they had the worst 2B output of any team in MLB.

Brennan Boesch and Delmon Young are in the lineup almost every night.

The Tigers have a flawed lineup and are really bad defensively. That's why they didn't run away with anything. They sstill could make it. But, most likely they will be better next year with V-Mart back, Infante the whole year and Delmon no longer on the team (replaced with athlete in the field).

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I didn't mean terrible defense at CF. A-Jax is ELITE there on defense...meant RF.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Actually, I love the fact that Alfred Morris owns a Mazda. That is keeping it real. The only episode of MTV cribs that I remembered or liked was when Redman showed off his rented townhouse in the hood and had to step over his 'cousin' sleeping on the floor to show off the living room.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I went back to my source and I admit, I reversed the numbers on accident. $50k per year, and tipped out $200k after the series. Still, decent scratch given the average and yes, he does wear a uniform and retrieves bats.

The Iceman said...

I'm not a big baseball guy. Clearly. But even I know that the Tigers aren't loaded with talent and lack these really good players you speak of. Outside of Buschlightlander on the mound, everyone else is average to terrible. I listen to enough Detroit radio to know that the rest of the rotation is pretty rotten.

Then there's Fielder and Jackson as the only players other than Cabrera having good seasons. Outside of that, where is the talent you're speaking of? Again...these are the facts I'm getting from Detroit radio guys who constantly bitch about how that team has no talent outside of 3 or 4 guys.

The Iceman said...

"The only episode of MTV cribs that I remembered or liked was when Redman showed off his rented townhouse in the hood and had to step over his 'cousin' sleeping on the floor to show off the living room."

ELITE episode, Ide. I was especially fond of the shoebox full of money on top of the fridge. Who needs a bank, N-Word???

Anonymous said...

"OOOOPS!!!!! I was off only by $ 150K on his yearly salary"

Nobody ever let Prime handle a money issue for you.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Drew, it must be fucking hard always being right.

I should've not admitted my mistake and let the Bat Man's mystique grow. With that kind of cash, he could literally buy some of Batman's gadgets and be a vigilante after the games.

GMoney said...

Oh come on! The Tigers were in game 7 of the ALCS last year and got BETTER in the offseason. Stop acting like they blow. Or admit that last year was a total fluke. There's a reason why EVERYONE picked them to win the Central by 80 games. They have 4 good to great starters plus the always awful Rick Porcello and most of their everyday players have been recent All-Stars.

I'm not going to listen to this shit. We all agreed that the Tigers are in World Series or Bust mode.

Be a man. Quit making excuses. I'm not and I could make some damn compelling ones for why the goddamn Orioles are still in the EAst hunt.

Prime's math skills are OVERRATED.

Prime99 said...

Math skills are fine. Relaying an odd fact I heard 5 months ago, definitely not TRANSCENDENT.

Anonymous said...

Do you have a link to show to me that the Tigers played a game 7 in the ALCS last year? Thanks in advance.

"most of their everyday players have been recent All-Stars." FALSE. Only all-stars are Miggy, Prince, Infante (2010) and Peralta (2011)

--Drew

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Victor Martinez if you're being technical. That makes 5/9.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Victor Martinez if you're being technical. That makes 5/9.

Ide

Anonymous said...

ELITE double post makes hard points!

The Iceman said...

HA! I love when people use AllStar selections to validate points. Yeah...sure. Let's use a vehicle that's powered by mouth breathing knuckle dragging fans to drive points home. Let's use an OVERRATED popularity contest to gage the talent of a player. Get and Fucked.

Maybe the Tigers were a fluke last year. Maybe they aren't that good. But please...let's not try and convince the public that the Tigers starting rotation is anything but total ass.

GMoney said...

Stick with what you know, Ice, and it ain't this.

Wasn't Avila an AS last year? I thought that A-Jax made it this year.

You're all right though. It is completely fine to be trailing a team led by Adam Dunn and Alex Rios (the two worst players in the last decade with Vernon Wells) late into September. You guys are a fucking joke.

The Iceman said...

What I do know is that using the AllStar game to justify talent is fucking LOLZ! ANDY DALTON IS AN ELITE QB BECAUSE HE WAS A PRO BOWLER LAST YEAR! DURRRRRRRRR!