Friday, September 21, 2012

Foreign Policy Matters Are Best Left To The BRAHS!

Fun FACT: All of these kids grew up to have sex with Tom Crean
Last time we left the HarBRAH clan, the boys were dick measuring in the middle of TGI Fridays while degrading waitresses and making an impressive scene. Since that fateful day I have made it a point to go back to that same restaurant every week with the hopes I run into the HarBRAHs again. My life just feels empty without them. Just when I thought I would never see those two reckless fuckers ever again...wouldn't you know it? Just this past Tuesday the dynamic, vulgar duo come crashing through the doors of TGI Friday's like they owned the joint. The following is what I witnessed:

/Door crashes open. Jim inhales violently and sucks air into his nose to take in the smells.

Jim: *exhales*. Jesus Fuck Balls, it smells like grandmas hot titty sweat in this shit bucket! I need to rape something.

John: Yeah...I've got a raging sex boner, too. WANNA HAVE A DICK BEATING CONTEST?!

Jim: Dude!!! After dinner, alright? How many fuckin times do I have to tell you?! You know I can't crank meat on an empty stomach. That's how you won the last time, you sassy buttfucker. Speaking of boners, I plan on butt wrecking that land hog of a bartender over there once I pour 7 Cuervo's down my dick hole. That's how REAL FUCKIN MEN drink tequila!

John: She's right up your ally, brother. Buck toothed lard ass with beard stubble. That disgusting rhino could clear an airport with one rip of the dirty fart maker. I bet she sucks the poop right off your thunder mallet when you pull it out of her shit tunnel! That's such a Harbaugh move!!

Bartender: I can hear every word you guys are saying, you know. That's really disrespe...

Jim: Excuse me! Talking fuck station who's only purpose is a place for me to occasionally store my hammer stick! We didn't say it was okay for you to open your cock hole. Now shut the fuck up before I clean your face with my knuckles!!

John: OHHHHHHHHHHHH BITCH! YOU GOT JACKED BITCH!! Let's go find us a booth.

/The HarBRAHs find a booth next to the juke box (TGIFriday's has those, right?) where a Middle Eastern family has just received their dinner.

Jim: HEY! HABEEB!! Fuck off and slide your brown cheeks out of my booth before I go Toby Keith on your terrorist ass.

Middle Eastern Guy: Um, first of all my name is Doug and secondly I was born in Toledo. Right down the road from here.

Jim: Bleep Bloop Durpa Durpa Blurpa Slurpa! That's all I heard just now from your fuck face mouth you filthy foreign fuck stain.

John: HEY!! Good story, BROWN DICK! WE DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!! GET THE FUCK UP OR TASTE AMERICAN JUSTICE!!

Jim: (whispers to Doug)....He means his dick. When he says American Justice. He means he's going to viciously shove his rock hard cock and nuts in your stupid fucking terrorist mouth if you don't remove your dirty brown ass from our God damn motherfucking booth right motherfucking now. PS...Go America.

/Doug takes his family and leaves the restaurant.

John: Was that so hard? Fuck!

/The HarBRAHs seat themselves and pump $50 into the juke box to play Kid Rock on repeat.
//Jim ball checks the unsuspecting waiter who falls on the ground doubled over in pain

Jim: YEAH, FAGGOT!! WOOOOOOO!! Right in the fuckin dude pussy! Now stop crying like a fat tittied bitch and bring me my super nachos that I ordered JUST NOW! And don't even think about pube dusting my food again!

John: Yeah you fuckin wrinkled meat flap, that's what you get for lacking mind reading skills!

Jim: Shampoo my dick hair with your saliva, Senor Pussy Wart! NACHOS!! NOWWWWWWWW!!

John: SENOR PUSSY WART!! HAHAHAHAHA!! PRICELESS!!!

Jim: It's funny because he's Mexican! EXCUSE ME!!! Why are you still here? If you don't move in 3 seconds I will literally throw a handful of my own shit at you! LOOK!! MY HAND IS DOWN MY PANTS!!!

/Waiter, while coughing blood, sprints to the kitchen

This is about the moment the cops show up and escort the HarBRAHs out of the building. They didn't even get a chance to order food this time around and I'm pretty sure they've been black balled from TGIFridays for eternity. Which is bitter sweet for me. It means I can stop going to TGIFridays which also means that I'll cut my diarrhea bouts in half. But on the other hand it also means that I bid farewell to my favorite vulgar football coaching brothers. Will I ever get to watch John and Jim HarBRAH act like complete fucktarded apes in public again? Will the waiter that was ball checked ever piss right again? Does the fat, bearded bartender have a change of heart and accept Jim's poopy weiner in her mouth after all? The world may never know. Until the next time, men. Until the next time.

29 comments:

Grumpy said...

You are one sick puppy. Funny as Hell, but fucking sick.

Fuck you Iceman. Must be get away day.

Nate B. said...

Talking fuck station...best line of the post.

GMoney said...

Just to clarify, this is all pre-engaged Ice. I only contributed the hilarious BRAHS as kidBRAHS picture.

Going against Cam in two leagues this week...put me down for 2 wins!

GMoney said...

A couple of things:

*Now stop crying like a fat tittied bitch--Is this a problem for women with massive racks? Do they bawl constantly?

*I would watch a show about Doug the Terrorist trying to convince the residents of Toledo that he's not a terrorist

*The BRAHs feel more like Limp Bizkit fans but no jukebox on the planet has their "work" in it so Kid Rock makes sense. Both of these guys seem like the type that stand in front of a mirror before games and scream "I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE" at themselves to get hyped.

Anonymous said...

Well done Iceman. Make it longer next time. I love the BRAHS. If I remember correctly some people hated them....Grumpy might have been one of them.

G$...That Nookie line cracked me up.

If anyone was wondering how the matchup of 1 vs. 2 in the G$FL started off last night...aka...Victim # 2 vs. The Tickle Monster.

Well, The Tickle Monster came in cocky and confident...especially when he saw that Ahmad Bradshaw was out this week. But, little did he know that Victim # 2 had a little surprise waiting. While the Tickle Monster got onto all fours to begin a game of shower wrestling...Victim # 2 acted like everything was normal and then BAM..poured a bottle of body wash onto the ground...which caused the Tickle Monster to slip and crack his head against the ceramic tile. This body wash goes by the name of Andre Brown who busted out for over 100 yards and TD's last night. ELIte was just fine as well.

After Thursday night...

Victim # 2 -- 27
Tickle Monster -- 0

Come get it Damman!

--Drew

GMoney said...

I think that it would have been longer but the BRAHs got kicked out of Friday's for harrassing too many minorities. Iceman should have followed them out to the parking lot where I'm sure they did not go quietly into the night.

It's weird to see Drew at the top of the G$FL standings. He and the Duts and Ides are usually the bottom-feeders.

Andre Brown = exactly why it's pointless to invest heavily in running backs

Jeff said...

Speaking of running backs, G$ I'll give you Kenneth Britt for Douglas Martin. WR for RB. Goes along with your philosophy very well.

Jeff said...

How about some stone cold shit the bed locks for the weekend?

Anonymous said...

Arian foster=exactly why you should invest heavily in rbs.

Nice move by Jsaul not picking up Andre brown this week. I think he's waiting for Jim brown to show up on waivers before using it. Regardless, the Fleshlights love the latest addition to the team after that 25 point performance. Eat shit, commenter Daniel!

Dut

GMoney said...

After losing CAR -3 and Boise -6.5 last night, I'm not prepared to give any advice (although I LOVE STL +7.5 and ARI +4 on Sunday). Joe Southwick Mall is a fucking horrible QB.

Britt hasn't played yet and Martin looks really solid. I'm not doing that. I'll give you Dwyer for Britt but not a black man named Douglas.

The Office may be the worst sitcom on TV, but referencing Miami University last night really helped redeem it.

GMoney said...

What I did to you last week and every time I play in any league = exactly why you should not invest heavily in rbs

Anonymous said...

G$...I was surprised that I got Andre Brown with the # 8 waiver.

I definitely am a perennial bottom feeder. I actually think my team is legitimately pretty good this year tho.

Here's a prediction for you Jeff. I think Michigan is going to beat ND this weekend.
UM -- 24
ND -- 20

I'll be rooting for the Irish tho.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I really like the Lions -3.5 @ Tennessee.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

The BRAHs are good shit. They are probably Nickelback kind of guys as well.

I picked up Andre Brown in one league and the results were bonerriffic.

PS... Go America.

Jeff said...

I had Boise last night parlayed with the under. That sucked.

I like ND to cover the number (currently 5). Either way, Go Irish!

I like TB +8 and Jets -2.5.


Everything I've read has FSU Clemson close for a half and then the FSU offense wearing down the Clemson D and running away in the 2nd half, which means.....Fuck the Noles, Fuck the Spread, Moneyline the Tigers!

Anonymous said...

Drew, that's why the play the full weekend. We shall see who is holding their butthole in the shower come Monday night. The monsters do not give up that easily. The booty call will come in the form of Romo to Austin this week.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Oh and Lange with his Ramses Barden pickup in DFL negating Eli can go fuck himself too.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

I don't use Waiver 1 on 1 week wonders....

- J Saul

GMoney said...

If anyone actually watched the last bit of the NFL game last night then you would have seen the triumphant return of DEREK ANDERSON! Man, I missed his ELITE checkdown skills! I'll be honest though, a large part of me wanted to see Jimmy Clausen in there.

Jeff, so we're doing Dwyer for Britt? You can't pass up a Steeler! GO NOLES (if you say no). GO DABO (if you agree to these terms).

Baylor vs. Craig Monroe should be an excellent Friday night game tonight.

Dabo vs. Jimbo...battle of the stupid first names!

Brady said...

-Having the BRAH's back makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

-Thanks to Eli last night for fucking Cam Newton's shit up. Theres nothing better than watching your fantasy QB play against the QB your playing in fantasy. I LOL'd many times last night.

-The Office actually made me laugh a couple times last night. I'm down with the new Andy who is a dick.

-Ron fuckin' Swanson

Jeff said...

Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass on one piece of what's soon to be a 3 headed monster of a backfield

The Iceman said...

I would have continued what I saw in the parking lot but it was mainly a bunch of naked chect bumping and butthole play. It spiraled out of control rather quickly. I just hope I see the BRAHS again in the future.

I figured I would be a pal and let you have your first comment back, Grumpy. Afterall...we don't know how much longer you've got, right?

Grumpy said...

I love the BRAHS. Iceman is the sick fucker, but then we already knew that.

GMoney said...

I have to admit, I didn't really care for Swanson last night until the last few minutes. He just seemed too out of character and let Chris yell at him. But Pig Tom saved him.

Jeff, well then, if you aren't going to even consider such a fair and balanced deal...GO NOLES!

I've had Green Jelly's Three Little Pigs stuck in my head all day. That song is deliciously awful. It's been a good day.

Anonymous said...

I'm not one for celebrity gossip, but on topic of gay bashing from yesterday a headline with Paris Hilton caught my eye. Aside from the ELITE ability to give a solid beej, this quote makes me like her:

“Ewww! Gay guys are the horniest people in the world,” Hilton said. “They’re disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS. … I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You’ll like, die of AIDS.”

Well said.

Ide

GMoney said...

Paris is ELITE at sex tape bj's. This will not be contested.

Anonymous said...

Paris does have a nice sex tape.

I'm sorry Grumpy. I think Slow Seal doesn't like the brahs. I remembered what you didn't like....you didn't like G$'s fictional tales. Those were ELITE and I stuck up for him against your hate. I'd really like it if G$ broke out that character again.

--Drew

GMoney said...

"G$: Mexican Bounty Hunter" was a great saga. Funny story: about a week after I posted that, I got an email from some dumbass who does bounty hunting for a living. They asked if I wanted them to write a post about what they do because the public perception of their job is not really accurate. I thought about this for nearly five seconds and deleted the email without a reply.

My version of what bounty hunting is has to be better anyway because it involves high speed, parkour-heavy foot races down Champions Lane.

The Iceman said...

Slow Seal doesn't like the HarBRAHS because he doesn't like anything I do. Even if it's brilliant he'll hate it out of principle.