Tuesday, September 25, 2012

College Football Week 4

       "YES!  COVER ME IN YOUR FINEST TOILET WATER OFFERINGS!"




Well, shit.  Back to reality.  That's what fuckin blows the most about vacations...eventually you have to come back.  As you all have heard by now yes, The Iceman is officially engaged to suffer eternally in the fiery bowels of marriage.  I pretty much forced her into it by asking the 2nd day like a real pussy would do.  It was either say yes or have the entire week in Hawaii be ruined.  Make your choice, woman.

Anyway, since I like all of you (well, almost all of you) way more than I like the actual real people I hang out with...any of the shit dicks that comment here on a regular basis are officially invited to my wedding.  Minus Brady since he paid me real money for the honor to be one of my groomsmen.  The fiance' doesn't know I'm throwing the invite to all you scabs yet but there isn't shit she can do about it since I left the other 99% of wedding shit up to her.  By the time she realizes what's happening it'll be way too late.  So, pending interest, there will be the first ever MoneyShot table at a wedding reception if enough of you dildos care to show up.  Yes...seriously.  This site is so God damn revolutionary.  Well, we've got a lot to cover so let's hit it.

The Good

-Taylor Heinicke
Hey.  I'll give it up to a guy who breaks an NCAA passing record.  I don't care where you play, 730 yards is pretty filthy.  I'm actually surprised that he only had 5 TDs to go along with the yards.  Normally when you see that many yards it's paired with double digit scores.  But the main reason this was so good for me is because it TOTES reminded me of the ELITE Old Dominion hat I used to have back in '98.  Solid hat.  Easily a top 10 hat.

-Florida State
Okay Seminoles...I'm listening.  That was a pretty impressive win over a very good Clemson team.  What made it so impressive is how balanced the offense was.  No INTs (Take fucking notes Denard) and two guys over 100 yards rushing.  I'm not fully on board yet because FSU has a pristine reputation for getting fucking cleaned out by inferior opponents as the season wears on.  But they have my attention.  Stay tuned...

The Tard

-Brady
Don't drunkenly text me about how shitty Denard Robinson is when your own team needs 4 quarters to put away the bottom of the dumpster of the Conference USA.  THE ELITE CONFERENCE USA WITH POWERHOUSE TEAMS SUCH AS CENTRAL FLORIDA!  RESPECT!!  Hope you got your big boy shorts on this weekend because State is just a tad more ferocious than any of the gaping anuses Ohio has squirted by in the first 4 weeks.  There's nothing better than watching a loud mouth Fuckeye fan (Brady) eat a plate of his own steaming feces once the competition is a little better than mid majors.  We'll see how accurate (61% and falling) Braxton "Joe Montana" Miller is while Wild Bill Gholston is trying to turn his rectum inside out.

-LSU
Looks like someone hit the toilet water a little too hard instead of preparing for a fucking horrid Auburn team that should have been beaten by a thousand.  Seriously...Auburn needed OT to beat Louisiana-Monroe.  How was Auburn even in this game?  LSU looks to be, dare I say?  OVERRATED???

-Montee Ball
Really?  This was a Heisman finalist last year? With every Montee Ball jersey that is purchased in Madison moving forward you get a complimentary bloody tampon with it.  The first 500 are autographed and serial numbered.

The Tardest

-The entire Big 10
This conference is a third world country, wire hanger in a ceramic bathtub amateur abortion.  No team is an exception and anyone who tries to defend any team in this fucking joke conference gargles poop water in their leisure time.  It's so fucking sad what the Big 10 has become.  I compare it to the 50 year old hag who was pretty hot back in the 80's and 90's but refuses to believe she's lost a step since.  Still wears the Billy Squier t-shirts.  Still drives the Thunderbird that gets 8 miles to the gallon.  Still cashes in on the Marlboro miles.  It's over, bitch.  You're saggy, gross and no one wants to ruin their dick by getting it anywhere near your nasty, rotten, wrinkly beav.

-Denard Robinson
This year can't be over soon enough.  If no other Michigan fan has the sack to say it out loud, then I fucking will.  I can't wait until Denard is gone.  I'm done with this asshole holding the team hostage every fucking week.  If I'm forced to watch another INT that is nowhere fucking near a maize and blue uniform I will rip my cock out at the root.  Notre Dame did not deserve to win that game...hence still only won by a touchdown despite Michigan's 6 turnovers.  How do let a coach who encourages murder beat you?  All I know is that someone better get a forensics team to dust Manti Te'o's girlfriend and grandmother for Brian Kelly's fingerprints.  That is a total Brian Kelly move to get his star defensive player motivated for the year.  Hey Denard...have fun getting doubled up by SlapDick State in the Outback Bowl.  Christ, that was bad.

Iceman Lock of the Week

Suck a dick, faggots!  1-0 on my lock of the week so far.  Let's flex the cranial muscles a little more, shall we?

-Wisconsin over Nebraska
Because a ranked Big 10 team losing to a formerly ranked Big 10 team that has been flat out embarrassed every week is a total Big 10 move.  That's really the only reason I have here.  Wisconsin can still run the ball even with Tampon Ball nursing a strained fallopian tube.  Plus Nebraska has lost to the only ranked opponent they've faced...a very unimpressive UCLA team.  If Wisconsin makes Taylor Martinez throw lame duck moon balls all game then they'll certainly win...and then subsequently lose the next week at home to IlliNOISE in a blowout.  Wisconsin 17 Nebraska 10.

There you have it.  I'll get addresses later from those interested in drinking free booze once she sets a date.  Since I plan on having zero say in anything wedding related.  I'm done, assholes.  To finish this up it's only fitting I use a Drew line...And Denard just threw another pick.  Fuck my life...

53 comments:

Grumpy said...

You're actually counting on Brady to show for something that important? What if his father has a hang nail?

Nate B said...

What Al Borges is trying to do with Denard is what RichRod tried to do with Nick Sheridan.

If they stick with the zone read throughout 2012, Michigan probably stays within 10 of Alabama and beats Notre Dame handily.

Nate B. said...

Coach around the player, don't make the player fit your system.

MuDawgfan said...

Michigan staying within 10 of Alabama is the most ridiculous idea ever posted on this blog.
Alabama is MURDERING teams this year, total domination.

South Carolina looks to be back and running at full strempth. Lattimore looks 100% and this team flat scares me. October 6 in Columbia at night will be a huge game for my Dawgs.

GMoney said...

First of all, it's hard to call Montee Ball a twat when he got fucking destroyed twice. If that happened to me, I would just take it and smile because I am all that is man. But other people: DEAD.

ND/UM was the worst game I've ever seen. There were 5 other games on at that time that were infinitely better.

Hey Bob Stoops! Way to still be Bob Stoops! I love being right about that guy being a shit heel of a coach.

Clemson still sick but the Noles look every bit as good as Phil Steele said they were over the summer. EJ Manuel won the Heisman already, right?

Gameday is at Lansing this weekend? Christ, this week's slate must be truly horrid.

When are we going to get into the debacle of last night? Now seems like the right time. That was absolutely embarrassing. We have some Packer haters here and that's fine, but that was disgusting how that game ended. Your hate of GB isn't enough to make you feel joy for Pete Carroll. I say this as someone who bet SEA +4, too.

Hey Roger and the owners: YOU LOST. It's over. End this farce now. If I was a referee, I would start making wild demands now like platinum whistles and hovercrafts because they have won. This can not continue.

NEW RULE: if a defender catches a pass but you half catch the defender, that is a touchdown.

GMoney said...

Remember how G$ won his week one MSFL matchup against Iceman because of a tie going to the sexier? I beat Li'l Strut by one point last night. ELITE!

The Iceman said...

Sorry, Nate. I TOTES agree with Dawg here. No way Michigan stays within 10 points of Bama under any circumstance this year. Bama is just sick and mutilating anything in its path.

How bout that Monday night game, eh? How pathetic. GET THE FUCKING DEAL DONE GINGER!

Jeff said...

I had a feeling FSU would do that to Clemson. Clemson O couldn't keep ball in the 2nd half and FSU O just wore D down. FSU is nasty. I don't see any hiccups for that team with soooo much talent on bof sides of the ball. Get by the Gators in the final week and you're playing Bama.

Anonymous said...

Also overshadowed by the shit show ending last night was my loss to Daniel by 0.5 points in the MSFL. Two Lynch yards away from a tie but I believe I would have lost the tiebreaker due the shitiness of Tony Romo. Not a good week of FF for me.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Also: I'm proud of you offering up the day of your wedding for us mongoloids to ruin it like whoa. Put me down for a maybe (since you gave a whopping zero details). I'm coming pantsless.

I'm surprised there was no mention of RichRod's ELITE offense today. TOO MANY TURDS.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at the idea of Michigan staying within 10 points of Bama. Come on son.

First off and I saved this for today...but, Saturday was a GREG ODEN SIGHTING. Oden was at our tailgate shotgunning beers. His shotgunning ability is ELITE.

Detard was so funny on Saturday night. Not as funny as the brilliant play call to let Vincent Smith throw an INT in the end zone tho.

G$....Gameday is going to be in East Lansing, because I'm going up there to attend the game. That's when you know it's a big deal...cuz' I'm kind of a big deal.

I LOVED how the Packers lost last night. All of those obese Packers fans were left to cry into their bowl of cheese curds. If these refs cna continue to fuck over the Packers then I am all for keeping them.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

"If I was a referee, I would start making wild demands now like platinum whistles and hovercrafts because they have won."

So funny and so true... Get the deal done Roger - this is a joke. Although Steve Young acted like his grandma died or something.

Iceman I actually agree with everything you wrote today - good post. Congrats on the engagement.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah...ballsy idea to have a MoneyShot table at your wedding Iceman. I'm not sure if it's brilliant or the worst idea ever. The table could be completely normal...or it could be throwing our own feces at other tables. Throw me down as a Maybe as well. You should let Grumpy walk your fiance down the aisle. He's probably a better Father than the one she has anyways, since that one is allowing his daughter to marry you.

--Drew

tlachey said...

I'm coming pantsless.

I was on the fence about coming, but after one comment, count me in!

Anonymous said...

Fuck the maybe. Im in. You'll need one witness at the courthouse (face it, you blew your load in Hawaii, this is your site),and im mos def showing up in a shersey. You can mark me down for no less than 4 fights, minimum 1with a guy, an sit me next to the only minority you invite.

Also, that Packers game was ELITE!

Ide

GMoney said...

You should let Grumpy walk your fiance down the aisle. He's probably a better Father than the one she has anyways, since that one is allowing his daughter to marry you.

This is the best and an example of why it's OK to not hate Drew. Plus, you know, Greg Oden shotgunning beers with his dick. Is he a Natty Light guy like you?

If the Redskins lost like the Packers did last night, I don't even know dude.

Anonymous said...

Oden doesn't seem to care what type of beer he shotguns.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The refs were terrible last night. There were so many phantom calls. The last call had nothing to do with the speed of the game. It had everything to do with the refs not knowing the rules and just flat out botching the call. This needs to end.

The B1G is the worst I have ever seen it. The worst part is, outside of Ohio State and UM, its only going to get worse. No other teams are doing anything to recruit and even keep up with better mid major schools. Before you know it, the B1G will be like the old Big East with Da U and Va. Tech, except it will be OSU and UM.

The one point loss to G$ sucked, especially since Seattle's D-Line played out of their fucking mind in the first half in a performance that will NOT be duplicated.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Oh I'm definitely in for thw wedding.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

Congrats on the engagement, and put me down as a maybe pending details. I can't have Grumpy booking my private jet without the particulars...

Ooooooh buddy! Drew and I disagree on many things but on Packer hate we do not. That was flicking hilarious! Assuming the Bears don't get screwed next week vs the Cowboys on MNF, I'm totally ok with that happening to GB.

The Packers O Line was dropping f-bombs on Twitter like mad. Brandon McCarthy (head injury and all) tweeted: I don't know what he Packers OLine is more responsible for, giving up 10 sacks or fantastic tweets! -- Well said.

Brady said...

Denard gave the game away. I would much rather have Braxton running an offense. Those were the ONLY points I was making Saturday night. Both can't be argued. My drunkeness was ElITE.

That was the craziest ending to a game I've seen since the dawg pound was throwing half full miller lights at the refs. I want to punch Pete Carroll in the face. He is the smuggest asshole on the planet.

I will be in the wedding unless one of my family members stubs a toe.

Prime99 said...

My iPhone is the best at ruining my comments with typos.

GMoney said...

Iceman, you've never been through this before so let me give you some advice:

This open invite to all of us sounds great, but the future Iceman Divorcee is not going to let that fly. She's going to demand concrete numbers at some point. You can't just say, "don't worry about it, honey boo boo, just give them a table in the corner by the bar". That doesn't work when you are planning catering and the bar and complimentary rimmers for all guests. Just give us two tables and assume that all of us will eat two dinners and you'll be all set. It also sounds like an excellent chance for Brady to break the speed of light in the 40.

Greg Oden eats dollar burgers and drinks free beer. ELITE???

The Iceman said...

Here's the thing. We don't even have a date set yet. Once that happens I'll start throwing out deets and invites. It'll be a simple "Who wants to go...here's my email...email me your address and you will be getting a save the date in the mail." I hope you guys do show up. I need people there to take the focus off how shit bombed I'll be at my own wedding. Wives like that stuff, right?

Grumpy walking her down the aisle will be ELITE since she doesn't have the best relationship with her dad. Lesbehonest...Grumpy probably deserves it more since he's paid more Facebook attention to her in 6 months than her dad has paid real attention to her in 23 years.

Thanks, Seal. Nice to not get called a faggot one Tuesday post out of the year.

The Iceman said...

I know 8 black people. They're all wildly obnoxious and will all be invited so I can stick Ide at a table with all 8 of them. The table to his north will house the Mexicans and to his south the middle easterners. Minorities at Ide's every corner + massive amounts of booze may steal the show that night.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...can I show up in blackface and sit at the black people table?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew is killing it today! I'm going to pull my eyes to look like a Chinaman.

So we've got it settled: Grumpy will be giving away your fiance. You lied when you said that you weren't going to plan anything!!!

Ribs for the reception? Ribsception?

Grumpy said...

What's with all the "maybes"? I'm absolutely in for the wedding. To ease the shock to the future Mrs. Iceman (and hold down the cost), just invite the Money Shot regulars without any +1. Everybody leave their significant others at home. I know everybody wants to meet Dut's guy, but another time.

Due to the ELITENESS of Big Ben and Mike Wallace I overcame BGE putting up a whopping 1 pt. and nosed out Ide in the MSFL.

Prime99 said...

Ribsception is an ELITE idea!

Anonymous said...

Arod being terrible cost me wins in 3 leagues. Meh.

If Im at the black table I will call each one of them Jabar and hope for the best. Can you have Pollyeyes cater it?

Ide

GMoney said...

I agree with that. No +1s for this event. Hell, I was already going to tell my wife that she wasn't invited even before this news broke.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ the idea of anybody bringing a date to "internet friend Iceman's wedding in Toledo". Boy, I'm sure the ladies will be disappointed about missing out on that one.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Drew, everyone uses the Internet now the meet people. Match, eharmony..hell even child predators. No one does it the old fashion way and goes out to a bar to meet a chick or even set up a foundation for underprivileged kids like Sandusky did.

Anonymous said...

I am bringing a townie to the wedding if its in Toledo. I mean a real shitbag. I will have my mom or uncle hook me up with someone and I will dress appropriately; denim and plaid.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Jeff...I realize this and have no problem with it. I still don't think any girlfriend/wife would want to attend this wedding.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Talking about blogs and internet friends is always a great convo starter with the ladies.

Prime99 said...

I imagine mentioning this blog to a woman is the modern equivalent of the Fonz elbowing a jukebox.

Anonymous said...

Awesome comment, Prime - this site obviously gets us all laid more than the average blogger.

Seal

The Iceman said...

Drew...I was actually counting on you doing blackface. It's 90% of the reason I invited you. Ide...you're gonna have to get way more ethnic than Jabar if you're looking to nail the names of the "Black plus Ide plus Blackface Drew table"

Ribsception will be my only contribution to the wedding. And you'll have to eat with Tim Tenor napkins. But here's my question: If ribs are present does Brady, by rule; skip the reception? Who's my stand-in groomsman if that's the case? I think Prime leads the clubhouse right now since we are Internet BFFs according to Ace.

Anonymous said...

Guest posts n this blog give me a journalistic integrity that facebook cant provide. "Yeah baby, Im a freelabce reporter for an online sports site."

Does she have to know that its a site filled with pederasts and racists? No. Just like she doesn't have to know that I wont be wearing a condom or pulling out.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Careful Ide. With comments like that you're on the fast track to earning yourself a place at the head table.

Brady said...

I have nothing against Ribs. I ate some of the best in Columbus 2 weekends ago. I thought about posting pics of them but figured the backlash would be too intense.

"Ribception" is my new favortie word.

There is no way you will be getting rid of me during the ribs portion of the evening. I will need the energy to crack that 5.5 40 in my dress shoes.

GMoney said...

The comments today have been TRANSCENDENT. Truly LOLZ, no guff. It's really helped take the sting from the NFL imploding bigger than The Kingdome last night.

Ide's Uncle is coming or GTFO.

Anonymous said...

He will supply my wedding gift. Guaranteed.

No way it will be smaller than 18 inches or any color aside from ebony.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Who would ever want their wife, girlfriend or boyfriend to ever meet the rest of us?

GMoney said...

HEY! YOUR WIFE MET ME!

/was not impressed with me

Prime99 said...

If and when Brady misses the reception due to an earache, I can definitely stand in (assuming I don't have to blog about Cal that day.)

Anonymous said...

The Best man needs to refer to the moneyshot blog in his speech... that would be ELITE.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Especially since 90% of the guests would take that as a cum reference.

Ide

Brady said...

Do I have to sit with the wedding party or can you throw me at the Moneyshot table?

Earache's are nothing to joke about, Prime.

Brady said...

I don't like how the conversation has focused on this wedding. I was pumped to talk Braxton vs. Denard today. I feel like Iceman did this on purpose as a distraction. Well played, Ice. Well played.

The Iceman said...

Talking wedding stuff is way less painful than anything Denard related. Just know I'm pushing for Transformers tumblers at every table.

GMoney said...

Brady, those scabs last night also did that just to spite you!

Braxton. Denard. Tate Forcier. All from the same daddy.