Tuesday, September 11, 2012

College Football Week 2

                   "Hey boys.  I'll suck your hog for a Tyler Wilson autograph."




Ahhhh.  The Iceman and College Football Tuesdays at The MoneyShot.  We go together like rat farts and sewer water.  Like Browns home games and piss filled water balloons.  Like Damman and a brothel full of fat hookers.  You get the idea.  Do you faggots realize that it was only a short year ago that G$ had to issue all you fuckin cry babies a fist full of tampons when he brought me on to write for this Pulitzer nominated sports blog?  Now look at us.  We're like a family that legitimately hates each other.  We've come a long way, you guys.

Next order of business.  I'm testing out a new segment this year called "The Good, The Tard and the Tardest".  If you need me to explain this then you probably went to the same school Seal did.  In that case get back to your Sponge Bob coloring book so you don't hurt yourself.  Also, at the end I will pick my Iceman lock of the week.  Let's jump in, here.

The Good

- Matt Barkley.
When he's not huffing boner fumes or stealing young men's dirty underwear, Matt Barkley is hurling a multitude of touchdown passes.  Listen.  I know he's played putrid filth for competition, but this is what the Heisman favorite is supposed to do.  He looks great right now and that's excellent news for us sad bastard Browns fans.  Fuck you, Brady.  We want Barkley.

-Tajh Boyd
If Boyd keeps playing the way he is currently, the ACC could have it's first legit National Title game contender since Bobby Bowden was tuggin his turkey to barely legal Tallahassee whores.  "Daaad Gummit, thas uh sweet, tenduh lookin' underwear pussy!  WOOOOOWEEEEEEE!!"  I'm not totally bought in yet since Boyd morphed into a turnover machine last year once Clemson started playing not shitty teams.  But so far he looks pretty fuckin good.

-Georgia
Okay, MuDawg.  This is Georgia's last chance with me.  Aaron Murray could be the best QB in the SEC this year as long as the offensive line can keep his milky white cheeks clean.  If Murray shines, so do the Dawgs as we saw this past weekend.  Beating Missouri was mildly impressive but they have a YOOOOUGE test at South Carolina in 4 weeks.  I'll wait until then before I start Dennis Green "CROWNING THEIR ASSES!"  And the only reason I say "mildly impressive" is because Blaine Gabbert is a princess fairy.

The Tard

-Michigan's defense.
Jesus Christ sucking on tubby lard tits!  I would rather French kiss my dog's butthole than watch a single defensive replay from that fucking joke of a performance.  Michigan's defense faces a team that runs a dead offense from the 1920's and all of a sudden they sprint around grabbing at each other's dick and balls for 3 hours?  I can understand getting hammer fucked by an SEC powerhouse offense but the GOD DAMN AIR FORCE?!?!  Fuck my butt, it's gonna be a long season if Mattison doesn't get this shit figured out.

-DA U!
This shit is starting to get flat out embarrassing.  How does a program go from playing for a National Title 10 years ago to the current state of compost we see today?  They looked like a Division II school against Kansas St.  But then again...KState is the home of BEST FANTASY RUNNING BACK DARREN SPROLES!!  I almost feel bad for everyone at Miami but then I remember that shit heads like Michael Irvin and Kellen "FUCKIN SOLIDER" Winslow played there.  Fuck em.

The Tardest

-Wisconsin
Great effort, guys!  There's a Heisman finalist from last year on the team and he only gets 61 yards against a team that has been PAC-12 gutter trash that's good for between 4 and 9 losses a year.  That's just superb football right there.  I put 99% of the blame on Bielema for not recruiting QBs and just relying on transfer students to step in and run the offense like they've been there 4 years.  Oh...and just because you have a horde of fat fuck offensive lineman that all weigh over 300 pounds doesn't mean shit unless they can block.

-ArKANSAS
John L. Smith does it again!  Everything this guy touches turns into muddy diarrhea.  I've heard hillbilly, hog nation screaming injustices about dropping out of the top 25.  Get fucked.  Let's say, in theory, for a moment that Michigan lost to Appalachian State in 2007 as the 5th ranked team in the country.  What happened then (besides a violent shove for me into alcoholism)?  That's right, faggots.  Out of the top 25...and deservedly so.  And if losing to Louisiana-Monroe wasn't bad enough.  There's this.  I'm begging you.  Stop reading right now and watch that video.  Seriously.  I fucking cried real laughter tears when I first saw this.  Hillbillies are good for more than just incest and birth defects.

Iceman Lock of the Week

-Notre Dame over Michigan State
MSU barely beat a Boise team that lost literally every offensive play maker they had from a year ago.  Unless you count Kellen Moore's faggy little brother Kirby as a play maker.  And then they thumped a Central Michigan team that isn't gonna be any good this year.  Notre Dame hasn't exactly blown my balls off with their competition so far, but they aren't starting Andrew Maxwell either.  If that choad turns it over that many times against Boise, he's gonna be in for a long afternoon against an Irish defense that looks to be improved from last year.  Plus Notre Dame has a QB that is ELITE at assaulting cops when he's blasted.  That has to count for something.  ND - 20  MSU - 13

There you go, bitches.  And FYI there is a reason I didn't talk about everyone's favorite cum dumpster, Braxton Miller.  So pipe the fuck down about it.  By the time you read this, Dirty Darren McFadden should have carried me on his sturdy haunches into Fantasy Football victory lane.  If by some chance that didn't happen, I'll just send him to the glue factory like you do with all other broken thoroughbreds.  In the meantime I'm gonna go watch that video again...TOGETHER WE STAND!  DIVIDED WE FALL!  AND IF OUR RAZORBACKS SHOULD EVER BE AGAINST THE WALL!

35 comments:

GMoney said...

Ahem...in hot, sweaty MSFL action this week, G$ "DEFEATED" ICEMAN 108-108! Your loser ELITE QB was no match for my Uggs-wearing dreamboat! Beating you on a tie might be the highlight of my life.

I was already taking today off from work but now I will enjoy it even more.

Time to actually go back and read this turd written by a guy that can't even lose gracefully.

GMoney said...

Jerry The King Lawler had a heart attack during Raw last night...don't tell me that shit is fake, people!!!

The Iceman said...

That's so fucking stupid. I've been wronged on the deepest level.

GMoney said...

YOU SUCK DICKS! ACE MAKES THE BEST SETTINGS!

Football thoughts:
*It's weird to stay completely sober on a Saturday and comprehend everything that you watch.

*I watched all of the Southern Illinois/RedHawks game. Not kidding. God bless ESPN3.

*THE BIG TEN IS GARBAGE. Stop defending this conference or hoping that it does well like a bunch of faggots. It sucks. It always will suck. You can't control that. The only thing that you can control is your own ass.

*The triple option is the greatest offense of all time (especially after watching Defi run the Wing T three weeks ago) and, as any announcer would say, IT'S HARD TO PREPARE FOR IT IN ONE WEEK BECAUSE FOOTBAWWWW IS COMPLICATED. I wouldn't overreact; Air Force knows what they are doing and they are really white so you were at a huge disadvantage.

*I am proud to say that I watched the last hour of the ULM/Let 'Em Lives and it was even more delicious than you can imagine live. John L Smith looked so dumb on the sideline.

*I watched a huge chunk of Purdue/ND because I was rooting big time for the upset. After Danny Hope's flavor saver tied the game, The Murderer benched his QB Golson (who was having an ELITE day) for Tommy Rees on the final drive. It ended up working out somehow, but it was the dumbest thing that I've seen this year. The only thing that makes sense is that The Murderer Troll is also a racist.

*Montee Ball better not break TOUCHDOWN TRAVIS PRENTICE'S touchdown record. He is not in TDTravis's league as a stud RB.

G$ defeated Iceman 108-108...never forget.

GMoney said...

And one more thing before you fuckers get going, I asked Ice not to say anything about the Buckeyes because I've got something planned for them tomorrow. Nothing bad, just some ELITE analysis from someone who has watched both of their games in their entirety. You know, a real football expert.

So hold off on your Fuckeye-ness until probably tomorrow. There is plenty of other stuff to get into. Just point and laugh at Bret Bielema or the kicker from Penn State.

GMoney said...

Four (now 5) comments before 8 AM? I'm 5 times more ELITE than Grumpy!

Anonymous said...

Hey people that bitched about too much OSU talk during college footall preview week....the Buckeyes have done nothing good or bad enough so far to have a full day devoted to them tomorrow, so maybe you should redirect those complaints to G$ himself...since he feels it's needed.

Also, remember when G$ claimed Maurice Clarett was selling autographs on Lane Avenue before the Miami game? False. Clarett and Roy Hall have been on Lane the first two games helping the Driven Foundation...which was founded by Roy Hall and Antonio Smiff.

Iceman...I watched that Arkansas lady video yesterday. Wild.

G$...The Big Ten won't "always suck" if they actually paid for top coaches (and didn't have a marquee program have a pedo scandal). OSU and Michigan will be ELITE for years to come with the way both coaches are recruiting right now tho. Dantonio seems to have a good thing going on up in East Lansing as well.

LOLZ @ Bielema firing his OL coach after two games.

I agree that Michigan could be in for a "long year". Too many frosh playing on D and the OL looks like shit...put that with the schedule and it won't be fun. 4 or 5 losses are cumming.

Too bad Lawler didn't die.

I think MSU takes down ND at night in EL. I'm really looking forward to taht game. Hopefully, that psycho Gholston rips Brian Kelly's head off.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I promise that it is a necessary post. Iceman and his tie-loss will agree.

Sparty and Brutus (and to a lesser extent NW) are the only decent looking Big Ten teams so far. That game on 9/29 should be terrific.

I didn't say that Mo was selling autographs, just that he was peddling garbage. He's still a street vendor and thinks that people should be giving him money.

I wouldn't overreact too much to Michigan. Coming off of that Bama game, they should have scheduled EMU or someone, not a niche offense that is highly disciplined.

Only in the WWE would an announcer have a legit heart attack just off camera and they continue with the show. COMMITMENT! Should have been you last night, Chris Berman!

GMoney said...

I'm going to break all the commenting records today (Volume and Brilliance).

Prime, when are you and Jeff Tedford getting into town this weekend?

Anonymous said...

G$...Why are you not working today? You take the worst days off EVA.

I'm still debating whether to go up to EL for that Sparty/Brutus game. It definitely appears to be the toughest game on the schedule. I'm leaning toward it.

The thing with that Air Force game is that Air Force is supposed to be absolute dog shit this year. They had almost no returning starters and their lines are small as fuck. Not a big enough deal to overreac to...but, it should not have been nearly as close as it was.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I had one vacation day left to burn that couldn't be carried over before the end of the month and this was the only day that someone could sit at my office and do my work for me. Seemed like an easy choice. I didn't lose a vacay day and someone is doing my shit for me.

Missouri's uniforms/helmets were dog shit.

Jeff said...

Tajh Boyd is the troof. He's also done it without Sammy Watkins, granted it hasn't been the best competition, but still. I'll wait and see what they do on road in Tallahassee in a couple weeks before I get too excited.

Who cares about the Big Ten sucking. Conference pride is for SEC fags.

No way ND beats sparty in EastLans under the lights.

G$, don't tell me you're gonna say Braxton is Denard 2.0 tomorrow? Post ruined?

GMoney said...

The only time that the Big Ten should have conference pride is when one of their own is playing Notre Dame. FACT.

GMoney said...

J-Rupe update:

Last night he did his usual posting of a bunch of stupid slogans but it's hard to ignore this one..."REAL MEN EAT PUSSY".

RUPE!!!

Anonymous said...

I'll be rooting for MSU against ND....but, I'll be rooting for ND against Michigan.

J-Rupe knows what's up.

--Drew

MUDawgfan said...

You probably need to look beyond Aaron Murray for the key to Georgia's success - it's their elite Defensive End/OLB Jarvis Jones.

Jones had his scholarship taken away from USC when he blew out his knee as a freshman, he transferred back to UGA (originally from Georgia) and has been playing like his hair is on fire ever sense.
He's the best defensive prospect the school has produced since Champ Bailey and he should be the first defensive player taken in the 2013 NFL Draft.

He obliterated Mizzou's Offensive Line on Saturday. Murray played well but it isn't a stretch to say that he's the best defender in the SEC (the league where the best defense is played) and barring an injury, he's a lock to be first team All American.

Prime99 said...

My MS-Expense account isn't activated, so it looks like I'll have to do my analysis from my couch.

MSFL is quite a great league. Ice, you're next...

The PAC-12 looks pretty good, huh?

Rupe's comment is suspiciously similar to my MSFL team logo...

Brady said...

-After watching Weeden in game one, I might be coming around to the dark side. Barkley would have to be an upgrade. However, the Brwons are in the business of ruining careers so it may not matter who is under center. Being a Browns fan is AWESOME! I still hate his stupid face though, Ice.

-I agree with G$, Ice. That offense was not something you wanted to face coming out of that embarrassment aginst Bama. The Michigans and Ohio State's of the world recruit dudes that froth at the mouth and try to kill everything in sight. I had trouble following that Air Force offense from my couch. It must have been really tough to keep your assignments and not get faked out every play. I still think UM has 3 losses this year but I wouldn't be on the ledge after that game. That shit is tough to defend when the other team knows what its doing.

-No way Notre Dame wins against MSU. Bell will keep that defense on the field with his 50 carries. Sparty takes that one by 10.

-It's really hard not to talk Buckeyes. I'll just say this. Urban is the exact opposite of what Tressel stood for. He trashes players publicly, goes for every fourth down within 3 yards and stonewalls players looking for praise on the sideline after they score. ELITE motivation!

GMoney said...

Careful, Brady, you don't want to steal my thunder from down under.

I look forward to many collisions between Bell and Le'o on Saturday night.

Dawg, don't forget about David Pollack's broken neck!

Prime, you disappoint all. You could always ask Clarett to dip into his charity for you. There is no way in Hell that he isn't skimming money from those that he is trying to help.

I know that this is College Day but I don't want to live in a world where Joe Flacco looks THAT good. Not cool, Joe.

Just a reminder, once again, that I beat Iceman via tie. I really want him to have an aneurysm over that outcome.

Anonymous said...

Brady...I don't think you are going to see those 4th down calls in games against teams he feels the Bucks can lose to.

--Drew

Brady said...

Probably not, Drew, but it was fun to see it. That was a punt from Tressel every single time. From Fickell? Probably a seizure from having to make a decision.

OK I'm done, G$. No thunder stealing here.

Prime99 said...

G$'s never forget joke got 1000 times funnier once I remembered the date.

The Iceman said...

Jesus. I saw all the comments and thought, "I nailed it today!" Little did I know 70% of the comments were gonna be from one guy...who started this blog. Thanks for padding my stats.

Anonymous said...

Did Grumpy forget that he's required to check in once a day as a sign of life?

--Drew

Brady said...

I think Grumpy may be too busy shaking his fist and youngsters wearing their pants too low. True story... check Facebook from yesterday.

Grumpy said...

I didn't post that picture of the guy with his pants too low. If we both saw it then it was posted by a mutual friend.

How does a running back put up .5 points in the MSFL? And a defense 17? I'm hunkering down in shame.

Anonymous said...

HE HAS RISEN!

--Drew

GMoney said...

I was under the impression that Grumpy was already tailgating for SONS OF ANARCHY TONIGHT!!!

Matt Millen is on Sportscenter right now. You will be happy to know that I just hit mute.

How about Rich fucking Rod!!!

Remember mdrgolf? The guy that always wins the NFL spread competition? I got an email from the myth last Friday with an ELITE rant about how awful Pitt football is. It truly was spectacular. I don't know why he sent it to me, but it was legit.

Brady said...

But you did "like" that picture, Grump. That's the modern evquivalent of shaking your fist at somebody. Also it was not posted by a mutual friend. I don't anybody on your bridge team or the local Necco Wafer salesman.

Prime99 said...

Always? I won the NFL playoff predictions last year and what did I get? Nothing! Ridiculous!!!

Anonymous said...

G$...since you are home alone today...have you used the Fleshlight?

--Drew

GMoney said...

No on the light. Have no plans to bust it out.

Iceman, have seen KSK recently? Their version of The Harbs is quite inferior to your HarBRAHs. I don't like admitting that, but it's true.

Brady said...

The KSK post that just went up about Jerry wipes had me almost crying with laughter at the end. Their impressions of JJ are fucking priceless.

Grumpy said...

Maybe I did "like" that picture, but I really don't care how Seal wears his pants.

SOA! I'm ready. Actually the DVR is ready; I can't stay up that late.

The Iceman said...

I've been rotting away in Central Michigan all day for work stuff so I haven't had a chance to get on KSK. I'll have to read it then give them tips on how to properly pen the HarBRAHs. Speaking of which..........we haven't heard from them in awhile. I wonder what they're up too. (Dream sequence music...)