Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Ahhhh. The Iceman and College Football Tuesdays at The MoneyShot. We go together like rat farts and sewer water. Like Browns home games and piss filled water balloons. Like Damman and a brothel full of fat hookers. You get the idea. Do you faggots realize that it was only a short year ago that G$ had to issue all you fuckin cry babies a fist full of tampons when he brought me on to write for this Pulitzer nominated sports blog? Now look at us. We're like a family that legitimately hates each other. We've come a long way, you guys.
Next order of business. I'm testing out a new segment this year called "The Good, The Tard and the Tardest". If you need me to explain this then you probably went to the same school Seal did. In that case get back to your Sponge Bob coloring book so you don't hurt yourself. Also, at the end I will pick my Iceman lock of the week. Let's jump in, here.
- Matt Barkley.
When he's not huffing boner fumes or stealing young men's dirty underwear, Matt Barkley is hurling a multitude of touchdown passes. Listen. I know he's played putrid filth for competition, but this is what the Heisman favorite is supposed to do. He looks great right now and that's excellent news for us sad bastard Browns fans. Fuck you, Brady. We want Barkley.
If Boyd keeps playing the way he is currently, the ACC could have it's first legit National Title game contender since Bobby Bowden was tuggin his turkey to barely legal Tallahassee whores. "Daaad Gummit, thas uh sweet, tenduh lookin' underwear pussy! WOOOOOWEEEEEEE!!" I'm not totally bought in yet since Boyd morphed into a turnover machine last year once Clemson started playing not shitty teams. But so far he looks pretty fuckin good.
Okay, MuDawg. This is Georgia's last chance with me. Aaron Murray could be the best QB in the SEC this year as long as the offensive line can keep his milky white cheeks clean. If Murray shines, so do the Dawgs as we saw this past weekend. Beating Missouri was mildly impressive but they have a YOOOOUGE test at South Carolina in 4 weeks. I'll wait until then before I start Dennis Green "CROWNING THEIR ASSES!" And the only reason I say "mildly impressive" is because Blaine Gabbert is a princess fairy.
Jesus Christ sucking on tubby lard tits! I would rather French kiss my dog's butthole than watch a single defensive replay from that fucking joke of a performance. Michigan's defense faces a team that runs a dead offense from the 1920's and all of a sudden they sprint around grabbing at each other's dick and balls for 3 hours? I can understand getting hammer fucked by an SEC powerhouse offense but the GOD DAMN AIR FORCE?!?! Fuck my butt, it's gonna be a long season if Mattison doesn't get this shit figured out.
This shit is starting to get flat out embarrassing. How does a program go from playing for a National Title 10 years ago to the current state of compost we see today? They looked like a Division II school against Kansas St. But then again...KState is the home of BEST FANTASY RUNNING BACK DARREN SPROLES!! I almost feel bad for everyone at Miami but then I remember that shit heads like Michael Irvin and Kellen "FUCKIN SOLIDER" Winslow played there. Fuck em.
Great effort, guys! There's a Heisman finalist from last year on the team and he only gets 61 yards against a team that has been PAC-12 gutter trash that's good for between 4 and 9 losses a year. That's just superb football right there. I put 99% of the blame on Bielema for not recruiting QBs and just relying on transfer students to step in and run the offense like they've been there 4 years. Oh...and just because you have a horde of fat fuck offensive lineman that all weigh over 300 pounds doesn't mean shit unless they can block.
John L. Smith does it again! Everything this guy touches turns into muddy diarrhea. I've heard hillbilly, hog nation screaming injustices about dropping out of the top 25. Get fucked. Let's say, in theory, for a moment that Michigan lost to Appalachian State in 2007 as the 5th ranked team in the country. What happened then (besides a violent shove for me into alcoholism)? That's right, faggots. Out of the top 25...and deservedly so. And if losing to Louisiana-Monroe wasn't bad enough. There's this. I'm begging you. Stop reading right now and watch that video. Seriously. I fucking cried real laughter tears when I first saw this. Hillbillies are good for more than just incest and birth defects.
Iceman Lock of the Week
-Notre Dame over Michigan State
MSU barely beat a Boise team that lost literally every offensive play maker they had from a year ago. Unless you count Kellen Moore's faggy little brother Kirby as a play maker. And then they thumped a Central Michigan team that isn't gonna be any good this year. Notre Dame hasn't exactly blown my balls off with their competition so far, but they aren't starting Andrew Maxwell either. If that choad turns it over that many times against Boise, he's gonna be in for a long afternoon against an Irish defense that looks to be improved from last year. Plus Notre Dame has a QB that is ELITE at assaulting cops when he's blasted. That has to count for something. ND - 20 MSU - 13
There you go, bitches. And FYI there is a reason I didn't talk about everyone's favorite cum dumpster, Braxton Miller. So pipe the fuck down about it. By the time you read this, Dirty Darren McFadden should have carried me on his sturdy haunches into Fantasy Football victory lane. If by some chance that didn't happen, I'll just send him to the glue factory like you do with all other broken thoroughbreds. In the meantime I'm gonna go watch that video again...TOGETHER WE STAND! DIVIDED WE FALL! AND IF OUR RAZORBACKS SHOULD EVER BE AGAINST THE WALL!