Friday, September 07, 2012

All of Our Teams are SHIT!

I invented the wrap sandwich.
With all of the joy that a new football season brings, it also ushers in the time of year when you stop paying attention to baseball. It’s one of the best parts about the great game of kicking ass. Baseball season is a grueling marathon of highs and lows and it is really hard for even the most passionate fan to care all season long. I know that my interest in my team is way down right now. It helps that they are fucking PUKE at the moment but still. I figured that we could all stop firing that fucking pigskin for a day to talk about how shitty our teams are playing at the moment (except for Lange, Hoffman, and the always seductive Tonya…you three can get FUKT; no one likes consistent good play dammit!).

First of all, I would just like to remind everyone again that I predicted from the start that Bobby V would be a disaster in Boston. His newest weekly blow-up in which he threatens to punch a DJ in the mouth for asking him if he has given up was comedy at its finest. I mean, that was just tremendous. For as pompous and douchey as Valentine is (and he most definitely is that and more), he is getting harpooned by a bunch of pussy players and cocksucker media members who think that they are important. They are not. The Red Sox are a disgrace from pink hat to bottom. I love it.

The Yankees are horrible. Even if I had the MLB package, I wouldn’t watch these losers right now. My dad is the biggest Yankees fan I know and even he sounds like he wants to hang himself from the Maumee River Bridge when this team gets brought up in conversation. They blow in every facet of life right now. It’s September and they blew a ten game lead to the ORIOLES. Baltimore sucks, too, and what they are doing is probably the biggest fluke in sports history but that is no excuse for the way that these bumbledicks have been humping doorknobs recently. I hope that Russell Martin and Raul Ibanez fall into a bottomless pit of Iceman insults. If they even make the playoffs, they have no chance of doing anything. And it will have nothing to do with the pitching, either, but because the offense is horrendous. It’s called a fucking BUNT, Unfrozen Caveman Manager, you should try it some time.

The Indians are horrible. Now that Art Modell is up in Heaven with the rest of the angels, I guess you can focus your hate on that cheap Dolan guy now. Good luck with your 29th best farm system, too. I hope that Ubaldo was worth crippling the franchise! FYI, he was not.

The White Sox are horrible. It’s pretty hard to take you seriously when you can’t compete with the Tigers. It’s not that they are beating you though; it’s that they are emasculating the shit out of you. You clearly do not belong in the postseason.

The Tigers are horrible. You may own the White Sox but no one else. Kansas City and Cleveland obviously have a monopoly on your ass space because they’re renting it out to everyone else on the reg. I can see why they wouldn’t rent to Chicago though…black trash. I am so sick and tired of hearing about how great this team is. They aren’t. They’re BARELY decent. Stop giving me this shit like everything is going to be fine because it’s isn’t. You’ve had 140 games to show what you are and you’ve done nothing at all. You have a worse record than the A’s and Orioles. LOLZ!

The Cubs are horrible. FUCK YOU, PRIME AND BUKE! You will not escape my rage today!

The Braves are horrible. I don’t even know if this is true. Is it true, Dawg? I didn’t want to leave you out. I see that Kris Medlen is ELITE somehow. That doesn’t seem like it should happen.

So let’s all unleash our frustrations today before we get back into football next week. And even though Big Bro has not aired at the time of this writing, I’ll safely assume that it’s OK to say RIP Psycho Frank. You and your dominating ways will not be forgotten. At least you were blindsided by the best player of all time. Can you imagine if I was in this house? I would be sucking all of the juice out of Dan’s dick simply out of respect for his genius game play.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

You know who is not horrible? Mr. Art Modell.

LBJ

Jeff said...

The red sox are comical right now, I'll give you that. The Yanks are even better. Nothing like watching their collapse to ease my pain.

Everything will be just fine next year when we package those "prospects" from the LA deal in a trade for King Felix and possibly sign Clifford Lee. And yes CLee is old, but he IS better than any starter we have now.

GMoney said...

You and I finally agree on something, LBJ.

/throws chalk in the air

I'm calling it now. There is no way that Dan wins Big Bro. NO WAY. If I had to handicap the Final 5, I would say that Ian has the best odds to win followed by Danielle, Dan, Shane, and Jenn. Dan can beat those two, but not the other two who haven't stabbed everyone.

I wish that Mark Reynolds would stop acting like he isn't one of the worst players in MLB history. That would be nice.

Jeff said...

And jolly Mike Scioscia will come to save the day after he's canned by the angels for missing the playoffs with that squad.

GMoney said...

Clifford the Big Red Pitcher is under contract for 3 more years. We've been trying to get Felix for 4 years now and the Mariners keep hanging up as soon as call so good luck with that.

MUDawgfan said...

Braves bats are pretty damn horrible.
Can't hit at all against the shit house Rockies and had to rely on shutouts at home.

Pitching is pretty good though and they're 4 games up in the WC (and would be leading the NL West (also horrible).

Jeff said...

I guess I meant trade for Clifford. Who knows. The sox are a dumpster fire and I'm fixing it! Just call me the Mitt Romney of Commentors today.

"I'm not going to let my comments be dictated by fact checkers!"

Anonymous said...

I will go ahead and post for Drew since he hasnt yet:

"LOLZ at you saying the Tigers are horrible!!! The Tigers are perfectly fine, and sitting right where we need to be. We have an easy schedule down the stretch and will easily win this division. Slow Seal can hate all he wants but Verlander is Cy Young, MVP and can fit his entire cock and balls in my ass."

Get fucked - You cant beat terrible teams down the stretch. You scored 2 runs this week in back to back games against the shit Indians with your "stacked" lineup. Your closer is a fucking bum who gets booed by his own fans. The only way you get in is if the brutal White Sox choke worse than you currently are.

Seal

GMoney said...

I'm giving Seal the finest one man slow clap of all time. Your Drew impression was so spot on that now I think that you could actually be him.

Playing Fantasy GM is always fun and pointless.

What do you think about Pedroia being the clubhouse cancer? I think that that could be the case. He takes steroids anyway. Get rid of him!

Jeff said...

I'll get rid of Pedey as long as I can have Robbie Cano. I just think he's pissed off cause they have sucked for the last couple years and missed the playoffs. Bobby Vag is and always will be the cancer. They can't fire him fast enough. There is no reason to keep him around for the remainder of the season.

Pedey and Ellsbury (need to sign him to a long ext) are the core. Have a few up and coming young guys (middlebrooks, sweeney, nava, ciriaco, and Bryce Bentz (a minor leauger better than Bryce Harper!! LOLZ I wish)

With a few offseason moves in the pitching dept. they'll be right back in the hunt. Scoring runs was never a problem. Having a starting pitcher with a sub 4.00 era is.

The Iceman said...

Last night Mike Valenti went off on an ELITE tangent about people that lose their shit over 5 star recruits. It instantly made me think of Brady and how dumb he sounds when relishing in the greatness of a 5 STAR ATHLETE!!

Baseball is still on?

And I'll agree with anything Drew says about the Tigers because Seal is a loud moth douche bag.

GMoney said...

Speaking of signing CF, I look forward to the eventual 100+ million dollar deal that Cashman's raccoon eyes gives to Granderson. He's a good player and all, but he is not ELITE and is barely a 10 mill per year guy. I'm a huge fan of the Yankees just giving people a Brinks truck even when they are bidding against no one else.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Slow Seal. Only dumb Indians view the Tigers lineup as "stacked". We've got two ELITE sluggers, but we still roll out Delmon and Boesch every night you idiot. No intelligent person would say that.

"Your closer is a fucking bum who gets booed by his own fans." -- You sure you aren't mixing him up with the Indians closer that HATES his own fans?

You are right tho...the Tigers last 13 games are against the Royals and Twins. That's just beautiful.

FUN FACT: On this day last year the Tigers were only 8 games above .500....so, they actually have improved.

It's gonna be so funny when the Tigers make the playoffs and Slow Seal is left watching Youtubes of Manny Ramirez and Albert Belle.


--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Valenti is a Sparty doucher. Of course he would have that rant.

The White Sox are still going to win the division. Not worried. And then sweep their way through the world series.

It's Friday, where is the gambling advice/picks?

Anonymous said...

I have Shane as my player in a pool..... The more I watch the more I realize he is a tard. Dan is only in trouble if Ian wins...... He has everyone else on his side. I take back what I said about BB earlier this season.

----Lange

GMoney said...

Danielle will beat Dan in a landslide. Shane went from early season stud to fucking idiot scrub so quickly that we hardly even noticed that he is as worthless as Jenn is now.

You're here...you give the advice.

Just admit it, Drew, Seal got you pretty good today. He nailed your asshole buttfucker persona beautifully. I don't know what's so great about playing teams whose sole goal is to fuck your season anyway. I would rather play the Red Sox who don't even care.

Prime99 said...

I saw a tweet where someone asked if the Cubs or Bears will win more games in September. I laughed, then cried.

Who is actually good in baseball? The A's? Rangers? Tim Lincecum (LOLZ)?

Bobby V has ELITE meltdowns.

Prime99 said...

If Bobby V invented the wrap, did Mexican mustached Bobby V invent the burrito?

tlachey said...

The Reds still have 24 games left in the regular season. They are only up 8 1/2 games, they could blow it... Not likely, but possible. Then guess what fellas? I'll be cursing my team just the same as all of you.

Brady said...

Ubaldo trade is bad but the two guys we traded are a combined 3-20 with an ERA north of 5. I think everyone got screwed in that trade.

The Iceman said...

Tonya's back! Looks like it took awhile to get that restraining order against Drew.

The Iceman said...

That's one hell of a spam right there...

Anonymous said...

Sorry G$....Slow Seal is too Slow to get anybody "good". When you are wrong as much as he is, it's even enuf to get Iceman and myself to join forces.

I just learned a lot about computers.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I missed the spam apparently. Verlander must have ate it all.

Seal > Drew

Nate B. said...

Should be a good game in Columbus this Saturday - Urban faces his first test in UCF.

UCF should have a pretty good offense, but I hear their defense has more holes in it than their coach's resume. Zing?

Mr. Ace said...

UCF 30 Fuckeyes 28

Anonymous said...

Yup Nate. I don't see the Buckeyes covering. I think it'll be a decently close game with the Buckeyes adding a 4th quarter TD to pull away.

OSU 33
UCF 20

Ape...remember when Toledo lost to the worst Ohio State team in 100 years?!?! LOLZ!

--Drew

The Iceman said...

After what I saw on Saturday, I'm more concerned with my own team not getting embarrassed by Air Force then I am with Ohio covering the point spread.

GMoney said...

WE'RE GOING TO MURDER SOUTHERN ILLINOIS!!! White Out at Yager Stadium tomorrow so remember to wear your plain white tees. There is supposed to be rain and I expect a lot of freshmen to be in attendance. Do I have to spell it out for you?

18 YEAR OLD WET T-SHIRT CONTEST, PEOPLE!!!

Prime99 said...

After seeing what you saw last week, one would think you'd take up drinking whiskey. Not to mention the Browns season starting as well...

GMoney said...

I'm not going. I've got a busy day planned of watching my BRAH in law fix my roof and install a new garbage disposal. ELITE day! I think that I have to buy lunch though (Wedgewood Pizza is the TROOF if you like deep dish). Either way, I'm not lifting anything but my wallet. I'm sure as shit not going up on the roof. That's what I got married for. Send the stupid wife up there to be a helper.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone see the recent Sportscenter promo with John Clayton? Hilariously ELITE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USHZZ5bwASU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Grumpy's going to have a heart attack tomorrow if he's attending teh Miami game and it turns into a huge 18 year old wet t-shirt contest.

RIP Grumpy

--Drew

Anonymous said...

At least people will say he went out doing what he loved...watching shitty football teams and staring at young girls' titties.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

staring at young girls' titties > ANY brand of football

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS PLAYERS HAVE BEEN FREED!!!!!!!!!!!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Jonathan Vilma ‏@JonVilma51
Victory is mine!!!! -stewie griffin

--Drew

GMoney said...

-Rex's comment was suspended for conduct detrimental to my privacy. Don't do that again. You'll always be a Judas on this website.

Good for the Saints. Fuck Roger Goodell. Now don't go hurting my very straight QB on Sunday.

Grumpy said...

How do you have a white out with everybody wearing red rain ponchos?

Just leave the pizza money on the table and get your ass to Oxford. I'm claiming your free hat.

GMoney said...

This should sound familiar...

I can't go. I've got family coming to town.

I'll be in Yager more than I should/they deserve this year. You can count on that.

Anonymous said...

G$ WITH THE ICE BURN ON GRUMPY!

--Drew

Grumpy said...

How do you figure that? He just admitted he's a pussy and pussy whipped.