Friday, September 28, 2012

The Proof Is In The Footing

See you in Canton, this picture!
Well, well, well...look what I was able to find!  Yep, that is it.  PROOF of the greatest kick in football history.  If you haven't been reading my great work since 6/5/2009, you might want to give this beauty a gander.  Let's break it down:

*First and foremost, Napoleon High School Football rules.
*Look at the loft of the ball.  That beautiful bitch got up in a hurry.
*Head down--you can't be a great kicker if you don't see what you're about to BOOT.
*Good arm swing provides the balance needed to execute.
*Check out that ELITE leg extension.  That's the sort of form that would give a Reggie Roby a black chub.
*Plant foot correctly lands next to the tee allowing for solid contact.
*Excellent hold by Big -Rex.  I would have preferred my usual holder, Buke, but he was an outstanding scab holder for this play.
*We may have been up 48-0 on Swanton (always AWFUL) at this time, but look at Pipes(?) selling out and murdering the edge rusher who was out to one up me.  That fucker got GOT and rightfully so.
*Dead solid perfect.  PAT converted by G$.

I know that you want to watch the video down the line (and I most definitely have it in my possession), but I just don't feel like you are ready for it.  Some day, perhaps, but not today.

In case you keep ignoring my subtle reminders, my 32nd birthday is on Sunday and She$ and I are flying to Seattle for a long weekend.  By the time you read this, I will be up in the air kicking some marshal's queer ass.  Columbus to Charlotte to Seattle...Charlotte to Seattle--there is no way that that flight won't suck butts.  I hope that they play 12 back-to-back episodes of The Big Bang Theory to make it even more of an ELITE flight!

But this is all you're going to get today.  My birthday post is more of a gift to YOU by bringing it strong with this terrific picture from 1998.  Admit it; this was better than you expected.  Iceman is running the show on Monday and Tuesday and I'll be back on Wednesday.  Behave yourselves.  Now if you don't mind, I need to join the self-Mile High Club.  Don't forget to wish ya BRAH a happy birfday.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Pardon My (Fart Noise)

You're better than this, Carly Parker.  Eh, maybe not.
On October 22nd, Pardon The Interruption will celebrate it’s 12th anniversary as a cultural phenomenon. I remember when the show debuted back in the days of yore as a junior in college. It was unlike anything that ESPN had produced before. Two average looking dudes doing their best impression of ebony and ivory but talking about sports. They screamed more than most would like, but it was still a very entertaining 30 minutes of TV. I knew Tony from The Sports Reporters and while he’s a giant dork and apparently an asshole off camera, I liked him a lot (plus his radio show was OUTSTANDING before ESPN replaced him with Pete Carroll’s bottom bitch—GOOD CALL, AGUATTO). I didn’t know who Wilbon was at all but he seemed intelligent and well spoken so I was OK with him.

Throughout the years, the show has basically remained the same. You can tell that they still like each other. Stat Boy was given an actual name much to the dismay of the viewers. They took more vacation time than George W. Bush (BURN?). The guest hosts blow but the show remains watchable to this day. I rightfully got made fun of last week for watching Around The Horn and admitting it. I deserved that. The show has never been any good. But I will not apologize for still watching PTI daily. PTI isn’t perfect, of course, because the guys are more complacent today than they were when the show was just getting off the ground. So I have no problem saying this because it is 100% true:

Michael Wilbon fucking sucks. He has for a long time now. Tony is still the same old white grumpy guy that we know and love, but Wilbon has morphed into this condescending shit bird that likes nothing and hates everyone. Maybe I’m being a little hard on the guy because he hates the Redskins, Dan Gilbert, and the Yankees—but that’s not entirely it. He acts like sports are beneath him now; like he’s too good to cover anything but the NBA. And that’s not what made PTI so popular a decade ago. The original dynamic of the show was sort of old school vs. new school but it is now old school vs. militant black guy (see: Take, First) and that is an ASS format for anything.

It’s not like I’m going to stop watching the show or anything. Name a better program on at 5:30 than PTI and I’ll watch it. I just want it to be noted that Donovan McNabb’s boyfriend is ruining what once was great because he is a bitter old doucher. One more time, Mike Wilbon fucking sucks. Speaking of sports media, I’ve got a few more thoughts to get off my washboard abs:

*Have you actually seen Brad Nessler in the booth? The next time that they do an in-booth shot of a game he is calling, take a close look. Both Mayock and Taste of the Todd have to sit down because Nessler is apparently 3 feet tall. I am 100% certain that Brad Nessler is a golden-voiced troll. It is hilarious.

*Do not watch Sean McDonough in high def. It looks like he uses battery acid for shampoo. His scalp appears to be identical twins with Norv Turner’s cheeks. It is mortifying.

*Despite the ridiculous lisp, Mike Mayock is ELITE! Yeah, he sounds like a total pillow-biter but the dude KNOWS football. He makes Notre Dame games worth watching (even after Hines Ward being terrible before the game and at halftime). I think that I would rate Mayock as the best color commentator in the business.

*That being said, I still think that Kirk Herbstreit great despite what you fags think/call into radio shows.

*By the way, I LOVE the Browns +13 tonight.  LOVE THEM.  So many reasons: classic letdown game, the Ravens are old, beating the Pats meant everything to them, Torrey Smiff fall-out, and there is not enough time for Pat Shurmur to put in a horrible game plan.  Ravens 16, Browns 10.

I’m going to be in Oxford for most of the day to move some heavy furniture for my parents, drop the dog off for them to watch over the weekend, and demand some sort of birthday present so I’ll be in and out today. As I mentioned yesterday, tomorrow’s post has the potential to be the best ever and allows this blog to come full circle. Confused? You should be as you are not on my intellectual level. Out BRAH.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

This Post Will Literally Melt Your Face Off

My future?
I’m still bitter about ol’ Ginger Dick’s continued fucktardery when it comes to protecting “The Shield”. No one will ever be able to convince me that this guy is good for the game. But anyway, I want to go in a different direction today with a style of post that I like writing and you usually enjoy reading: issues with She$.

So we bought a new water heater a few weeks ago. A water heater is the least fun thing to ever buy. I didn’t understand where our previous one needed replaced but the wife won that battle because I didn’t care enough to fight it. So we found out that some asshole had to come to the house and inspect that it was installed correctly. I usually have to be the one that lets these vagabond types into the house to do their work but I said that I wasn’t going to this time. She was. The guy came out and looked at it; no big deal. However, he did say that our gas pipes weren’t sealed 100% correctly which now has the little lady all worried. Here’s the thing though:

Inspector Gadget said that the seals on the pipes would never be an issue…unless the house was struck by lightning. If that were to happen then the Money Mansion and everything inside would be liquefied into volcanic magma in a matter of seconds. This is where the two of us differ and I am prepared to get divorced over it.

She wants to get it fixed and is going to have multiple companies write up estimates. I say “FUCK THAT SHIT”. Yeah, it would suck if we were unlucky enough to get hit with a bolt but I’m willing to take the risk. I’m not going to pay some shitheads to come out and LIGHTNING PROOF the house. I might as well buy cloud insurance. I’ll tell you what, “exploding” doesn’t sound like a bad way to go. It would be quick and painless. So I’m trying to put my foot down here and make her see that worrying about Stan Humphries and Steven Stamkos is pointless. To me, this would just be a tremendous waste of money.

Obviously, if you ever hear about a Columbus area house being lit up like Kane’s ring posts, well, that was us. And I demand an open casket. You must say goodbye directly to my sexy, gooey remains. The question is: What would you do if you were in my future evaporated shoes? Also--NEVER GET MARRIED.

A few other topics to discuss today if you are so inclined for even more discussion today:

*Did you see Mark Dantonio’s postgame conference this past week? He pretty much confirmed that he is the biggest asshole this side of the big muddy by NEXT QUESTION-ing everybody that wanted a quote. It was truly pathetic. I don’t get these college football coaches. What is the point of big-timing the media? Small dicks? Lane Kiffin won’t talk to anyone about injured players. Nick Saban wants everyone that writes anything to get Lou Gehrig’s Disease. It’s really annoying. We make fun of Les Miles and Brady Hoke around here quite a bit but at least they seem like good guys. I’ll take that any day over being a fuckstick and treating everyone like dirt.

*Baseball playoffs are comin’ yo! Are the Orioles finally playing like they should? Does anyone want to win the Central? Are the Indians doing the world a favor and handing the White Sox a first round series loss? Is Ichiro still being ELITE? Does anyone even remotely care about the National League? Is Miggy Walker Black still in the running for the Triple Crown?

That should do it for today. Plenty of excellent talking points to mull. I’ve got an open forum type post planned for tomorrow and then my annual birthday post on Friday. Trust me, you DO NOT want to miss Friday. I guarantee that it is the best thing you have seen on the internet this year.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

College Football Week 4


Well, shit.  Back to reality.  That's what fuckin blows the most about vacations...eventually you have to come back.  As you all have heard by now yes, The Iceman is officially engaged to suffer eternally in the fiery bowels of marriage.  I pretty much forced her into it by asking the 2nd day like a real pussy would do.  It was either say yes or have the entire week in Hawaii be ruined.  Make your choice, woman.

Anyway, since I like all of you (well, almost all of you) way more than I like the actual real people I hang out with...any of the shit dicks that comment here on a regular basis are officially invited to my wedding.  Minus Brady since he paid me real money for the honor to be one of my groomsmen.  The fiance' doesn't know I'm throwing the invite to all you scabs yet but there isn't shit she can do about it since I left the other 99% of wedding shit up to her.  By the time she realizes what's happening it'll be way too late.  So, pending interest, there will be the first ever MoneyShot table at a wedding reception if enough of you dildos care to show up.  Yes...seriously.  This site is so God damn revolutionary.  Well, we've got a lot to cover so let's hit it.

The Good

-Taylor Heinicke
Hey.  I'll give it up to a guy who breaks an NCAA passing record.  I don't care where you play, 730 yards is pretty filthy.  I'm actually surprised that he only had 5 TDs to go along with the yards.  Normally when you see that many yards it's paired with double digit scores.  But the main reason this was so good for me is because it TOTES reminded me of the ELITE Old Dominion hat I used to have back in '98.  Solid hat.  Easily a top 10 hat.

-Florida State
Okay Seminoles...I'm listening.  That was a pretty impressive win over a very good Clemson team.  What made it so impressive is how balanced the offense was.  No INTs (Take fucking notes Denard) and two guys over 100 yards rushing.  I'm not fully on board yet because FSU has a pristine reputation for getting fucking cleaned out by inferior opponents as the season wears on.  But they have my attention.  Stay tuned...

The Tard

Don't drunkenly text me about how shitty Denard Robinson is when your own team needs 4 quarters to put away the bottom of the dumpster of the Conference USA.  THE ELITE CONFERENCE USA WITH POWERHOUSE TEAMS SUCH AS CENTRAL FLORIDA!  RESPECT!!  Hope you got your big boy shorts on this weekend because State is just a tad more ferocious than any of the gaping anuses Ohio has squirted by in the first 4 weeks.  There's nothing better than watching a loud mouth Fuckeye fan (Brady) eat a plate of his own steaming feces once the competition is a little better than mid majors.  We'll see how accurate (61% and falling) Braxton "Joe Montana" Miller is while Wild Bill Gholston is trying to turn his rectum inside out.

Looks like someone hit the toilet water a little too hard instead of preparing for a fucking horrid Auburn team that should have been beaten by a thousand.  Seriously...Auburn needed OT to beat Louisiana-Monroe.  How was Auburn even in this game?  LSU looks to be, dare I say?  OVERRATED???

-Montee Ball
Really?  This was a Heisman finalist last year? With every Montee Ball jersey that is purchased in Madison moving forward you get a complimentary bloody tampon with it.  The first 500 are autographed and serial numbered.

The Tardest

-The entire Big 10
This conference is a third world country, wire hanger in a ceramic bathtub amateur abortion.  No team is an exception and anyone who tries to defend any team in this fucking joke conference gargles poop water in their leisure time.  It's so fucking sad what the Big 10 has become.  I compare it to the 50 year old hag who was pretty hot back in the 80's and 90's but refuses to believe she's lost a step since.  Still wears the Billy Squier t-shirts.  Still drives the Thunderbird that gets 8 miles to the gallon.  Still cashes in on the Marlboro miles.  It's over, bitch.  You're saggy, gross and no one wants to ruin their dick by getting it anywhere near your nasty, rotten, wrinkly beav.

-Denard Robinson
This year can't be over soon enough.  If no other Michigan fan has the sack to say it out loud, then I fucking will.  I can't wait until Denard is gone.  I'm done with this asshole holding the team hostage every fucking week.  If I'm forced to watch another INT that is nowhere fucking near a maize and blue uniform I will rip my cock out at the root.  Notre Dame did not deserve to win that game...hence still only won by a touchdown despite Michigan's 6 turnovers.  How do let a coach who encourages murder beat you?  All I know is that someone better get a forensics team to dust Manti Te'o's girlfriend and grandmother for Brian Kelly's fingerprints.  That is a total Brian Kelly move to get his star defensive player motivated for the year.  Hey Denard...have fun getting doubled up by SlapDick State in the Outback Bowl.  Christ, that was bad.

Iceman Lock of the Week

Suck a dick, faggots!  1-0 on my lock of the week so far.  Let's flex the cranial muscles a little more, shall we?

-Wisconsin over Nebraska
Because a ranked Big 10 team losing to a formerly ranked Big 10 team that has been flat out embarrassed every week is a total Big 10 move.  That's really the only reason I have here.  Wisconsin can still run the ball even with Tampon Ball nursing a strained fallopian tube.  Plus Nebraska has lost to the only ranked opponent they've faced...a very unimpressive UCLA team.  If Wisconsin makes Taylor Martinez throw lame duck moon balls all game then they'll certainly win...and then subsequently lose the next week at home to IlliNOISE in a blowout.  Wisconsin 17 Nebraska 10.

There you have it.  I'll get addresses later from those interested in drinking free booze once she sets a date.  Since I plan on having zero say in anything wedding related.  I'm done, assholes.  To finish this up it's only fitting I use a Drew line...And Denard just threw another pick.  Fuck my life...

Monday, September 24, 2012

The Worst of Week Three Vol.VI

Gruden has tried them all...even Larry Fitzgerald there on the left side.
I was at the gym yesterday doing my usual showcasing of ELITE athletic ability while watching Sunday Countdown.  They had a quick blurb where some football players talked about their pregame meal choice.  I thought about this for a long time and I can't think of what I used to fuel my temple before high school football games.  Hell, I'm still trying to piece it together.  So I'm just going to say that I enjoyed a lovely pregame meal of steroids and stem cells before crushing pussies on the gridiron in the late 90's.  I know that The Dutchman used to roll through the McD's drive-thru until one game he left a large strawberry shake on the Loose Field sidelines.  It was gross.  By the way, Roddy White eats at Waffle House before EVERY game.  Roddy White is either ELITE or has a stomach filled with pubic hair.

Also, everyone's least favorite color commentator, Jon Gruden, is doing Hooters commercials now claiming that he used to be a wing cook there back in the 80's.  Good God, this is well before sexual harassment was a thing so can you imagine what Gruden was doing?  It's a LOCK that he has dick warts.  If I was more creative, I would hop in the time machine and do an FFCA interview with Brandy from Hooters in the same style as I did with Denard months ago.  But I'm not, so I won't.  Anyway, onto the the shittiest players of week three:

Cam Newton - Even though this game was on Thursday, I feel that it still warrants some discussion.  I don't get Cam.  He's a pouty little bitch when things go slightly bad for him.  Steve SMIFF is right; Cam needs to sack up.

Steven Jackson - Iceman's boyfriend is done.  And how about that Rams offense now when they are facing a defense that actually runs plays?  NOT GOOD.

CJ Spiller - Classic troll move right there: get everyone buying into how ELITE you are and then have your shoulder ACL (Hi Dut!) ripped into a billion pieces of shit against the Browns!  On another note, Trent Richardson is back to being average.  You know, I hated what I saw from him yesterday.  It had nothing to do with his on field play either.  Bro was wearing a big fucking September.  It's only going to get worse from here, Trent, so quit being a pussy.

Offensive competency in Dallas - There was a game played in Dallas.  It was not a good one.  The highlights were none unless you like Tony Romo getting murdered by big black men as I do.  Damman can not be too pleased with Romo today and that is the thing about that queer: you absolutely can not count on him.

Greg Schiano doubters - HE DID IT AGAIN!  They went after the kneel down again!  Hilarious.  I respect that man a lot more today knowing that he isn't a hypocritical fuckwad.  If you're going to do it once, do it all the time.

Lions Defense - Sweet merciful Christ is that defense terrible or what?  378 yards passing to JAKE LOCKER!

Jim Schwartz - Come on, Peter King hair, as awesome as a Shaun Hill QB sneak is, just take the FG.  That was dumb as shit.  But then again...

Fat Stafford - What happened to him exactly?  I'm not looking it up.  All that I know is that every single ELITE QB from last year looks like poop diddly this year.  At least someone throwing the ball for the Lions FINALLY started to force the ball to TRON.  And even though he scored, Nate Burleson still sucks.  As does Chris Johnson.

People ignoring Cecil Shorts - NO ONE CLOSES LIKE CECIL SHORTS!

Tim Tebow - It's time to end this farce.  I hope that you all saw the "pass" that was thrown to Timmy that hit him in the helmet because that was just terrific.  The Tenorcat offense is diarrhea.

Jimmy HarBRAH - It looks like someone was sniffing his own farts all week instead of planning for a football game.  This game knocked me out of my survival pool because, come on, the Niners D against Chris Ponder!  Fuck that noise.  I'd hate to be the team that plays San Fran next week because they are going to murder the panties off of their week 4 opponent.

Aaron Kromer - Worst coach ever?  Dude is 0-3 with home losses to the REDSKINS AND CRENNELS.  The Saints are done.  It was nice to see Jam Charles back and SICK again though.

DeAngelo Hall - This might go down as the worst defense in NFL history and I want to put the blame on Hall because he is ASS.  I ran smack at Tonya and my Bengals fan sister before the game and that was promptly shoved up my poop maker at the end of the game when my sister called me to scream "WHO DEY MOTHERFUCKER" at me.  I deserved it.  I root for a horrible defense that can't stop anyone.  Armon Binns had 400 yards receiving yesterday.  We had a chance though until...

Mike Shanahan - Thanks for getting that unsportsmanlike conduct penalty by running out onto the field to scream at the scabs.  That was awesome.  You are a great coach, Mike!  At least we didn't have a punt blocked this week.  PROGRESS!  The Rams are going to get a really good first round pick this year.

Lange: Where's Dan?
G$: He said that he had to give Torrey Smith's brother a ride somewhere.

Norv Turner - You're a goddamn fool if you thought that a Norv-coached team was going to start 3-0.  By the way, the Falcons look absolutely terrific.  My NFC Champion appears to be a pretty good pick right now.

Mike Vick - Mike Vick sucks.  He really, truly does and he got lucky the first two weeks.  This time around, not so much.  The Eagles are a fraud on the level of Mr. Ace's sham marriage to hide his thirst for cat dick.  The Eagles are a joke.  Yeah, give the ball to Bryce Brown over Shady McCoy.  That's a winning strategy!

Peyton Manning - It was exposed on Monday and defenses are going to continue to exploit the fact that he can't throw the deep ball.  He has reached the Dan Marino stage of his career.

Matt Schaub's ear lobe - GAAAAAAAHHHHH!  That hit was so dirty--SO DIRTY!  And now this handsome troglodyte will never look the same again.

Antonio Brown - Maybe he isn't the #1 receiver on the team due to his penchant for fumbling, eh buttfuck Steeler fans???  It's always been Mike Wallace.  Never forget that.  AND HAHAHAHAHA YOU LOST TO THE RAIDERS!!!  Nice 1-2 start, black and gold Redskins!  Also: RIP Darius Heyward-Bey.  You may be dead now but the memory of your draft position will always remain.

FANTASY! - Going into the Sunday nighter, it looks like I'm going at least 3-1 this week with a tightly contested battle with Li'l Strut in the MSFL still in question.  Tom Brady better get his shit together.

That's it for me.  I didn't proofread this at all so any grammatical errors can be stuck up your ass.  Again, props to Tonya for being a better fan than I am.  One thing is certain: I am betting the over in every Redskins game for the rest of the year (as I did this week).  We fucking suck...STILL!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Foreign Policy Matters Are Best Left To The BRAHS!

Fun FACT: All of these kids grew up to have sex with Tom Crean
Last time we left the HarBRAH clan, the boys were dick measuring in the middle of TGI Fridays while degrading waitresses and making an impressive scene. Since that fateful day I have made it a point to go back to that same restaurant every week with the hopes I run into the HarBRAHs again. My life just feels empty without them. Just when I thought I would never see those two reckless fuckers ever again...wouldn't you know it? Just this past Tuesday the dynamic, vulgar duo come crashing through the doors of TGI Friday's like they owned the joint. The following is what I witnessed:

/Door crashes open. Jim inhales violently and sucks air into his nose to take in the smells.

Jim: *exhales*. Jesus Fuck Balls, it smells like grandmas hot titty sweat in this shit bucket! I need to rape something.

John: Yeah...I've got a raging sex boner, too. WANNA HAVE A DICK BEATING CONTEST?!

Jim: Dude!!! After dinner, alright? How many fuckin times do I have to tell you?! You know I can't crank meat on an empty stomach. That's how you won the last time, you sassy buttfucker. Speaking of boners, I plan on butt wrecking that land hog of a bartender over there once I pour 7 Cuervo's down my dick hole. That's how REAL FUCKIN MEN drink tequila!

John: She's right up your ally, brother. Buck toothed lard ass with beard stubble. That disgusting rhino could clear an airport with one rip of the dirty fart maker. I bet she sucks the poop right off your thunder mallet when you pull it out of her shit tunnel! That's such a Harbaugh move!!

Bartender: I can hear every word you guys are saying, you know. That's really disrespe...

Jim: Excuse me! Talking fuck station who's only purpose is a place for me to occasionally store my hammer stick! We didn't say it was okay for you to open your cock hole. Now shut the fuck up before I clean your face with my knuckles!!

John: OHHHHHHHHHHHH BITCH! YOU GOT JACKED BITCH!! Let's go find us a booth.

/The HarBRAHs find a booth next to the juke box (TGIFriday's has those, right?) where a Middle Eastern family has just received their dinner.

Jim: HEY! HABEEB!! Fuck off and slide your brown cheeks out of my booth before I go Toby Keith on your terrorist ass.

Middle Eastern Guy: Um, first of all my name is Doug and secondly I was born in Toledo. Right down the road from here.

Jim: Bleep Bloop Durpa Durpa Blurpa Slurpa! That's all I heard just now from your fuck face mouth you filthy foreign fuck stain.


Jim: (whispers to Doug)....He means his dick. When he says American Justice. He means he's going to viciously shove his rock hard cock and nuts in your stupid fucking terrorist mouth if you don't remove your dirty brown ass from our God damn motherfucking booth right motherfucking now. PS...Go America.

/Doug takes his family and leaves the restaurant.

John: Was that so hard? Fuck!

/The HarBRAHs seat themselves and pump $50 into the juke box to play Kid Rock on repeat.
//Jim ball checks the unsuspecting waiter who falls on the ground doubled over in pain

Jim: YEAH, FAGGOT!! WOOOOOOO!! Right in the fuckin dude pussy! Now stop crying like a fat tittied bitch and bring me my super nachos that I ordered JUST NOW! And don't even think about pube dusting my food again!

John: Yeah you fuckin wrinkled meat flap, that's what you get for lacking mind reading skills!

Jim: Shampoo my dick hair with your saliva, Senor Pussy Wart! NACHOS!! NOWWWWWWWW!!


Jim: It's funny because he's Mexican! EXCUSE ME!!! Why are you still here? If you don't move in 3 seconds I will literally throw a handful of my own shit at you! LOOK!! MY HAND IS DOWN MY PANTS!!!

/Waiter, while coughing blood, sprints to the kitchen

This is about the moment the cops show up and escort the HarBRAHs out of the building. They didn't even get a chance to order food this time around and I'm pretty sure they've been black balled from TGIFridays for eternity. Which is bitter sweet for me. It means I can stop going to TGIFridays which also means that I'll cut my diarrhea bouts in half. But on the other hand it also means that I bid farewell to my favorite vulgar football coaching brothers. Will I ever get to watch John and Jim HarBRAH act like complete fucktarded apes in public again? Will the waiter that was ball checked ever piss right again? Does the fat, bearded bartender have a change of heart and accept Jim's poopy weiner in her mouth after all? The world may never know. Until the next time, men. Until the next time.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hey Everyone: TU ERE MARICON!

I didn't even know that he knew Uncle T!!!
The best thing about this time of year is that football reigns supreme. But you can’t forget about the other sports that are less interesting than football. That is a huge mistake. Especially here--a terrible website with terrible contributors--because it’s not just the future suicide committers that provide the dumb on a daily basis. Idiocy does not discriminate. No matter what sport we talk about, “moron” is always the flavor of the day. A few months ago, I wrote a Tony Award-winning post that played the game “Who’s Dumber”. I think that Dwight Howard won. So today I thought that we could play it again but only if we somehow avoid football. Is it possible? Unlikely, but we will try our best. Today’s nominees for “Who’s Dumber” are:

Yunel Escobar – TU ERE MARICON! I have a feeling that this guy is going to win the vote easily today for writing YOU ARE A FAGGOT in Spanish on his eye strips. Remember how Tim Tebow likes to put dumb bible verses on his face? This is the hilarious exact opposite. Why would you even do this? Does Escobar think that no one other than him speaks Spanish? I applaud his open and honest hatred for Greg Louganis’s kin and all, but this might be the #1 dumbest display of the year.

Metta World Peace – The Lakers goal this year is to go 73-9! I used to get mad about Artest always being in the news for saying stupid shit but then I realized, why would anyone stop asking this Martian’s opinion? He has no filter at all and is certifiably insane. Have you seen his stand-up routine that is making its way around the internet this week? AWFUL! But seriously, the Lakers aren’t going to set any regular season wins records this year. They’re too old with average coaching and very little depth. They don’t care about the regular season anyway. Just get them to May and then they’ll turn it on.

Greg Norman – Tiger Woods is definitely afraid of Rory McIlroy, huh? I’m sorry, Shark, but the most dominant golfer of all time isn’t afraid of a guy who looks like Little Orphan Annie. Tiger is getting older, not becoming a pussy. Period. I see that Tiger responded by saying that it isn’t like Ray Lewis is trying to tackle him or something. It’s just a guy named Rory. Tiger makes a great point, too, because Ray Ray got away with murder and you should be afraid of him. Tiger ain’t ‘fraid of nuffin’!

Jim Leyland – I would be SHOCKED if Miguel Cabrera doesn’t win the MVP! Also, Justin The Pitcher Guy has created t-shirts with the phrase “Keep the MVP in The D” on them. Whoo boy, where to start? First of all, personal awards in sports mean absolutely nothing. Let’s just get that out there. No one gives any sort of fucks about who wins what. Did you win a championship? That is what matters. Second, it would be kind of cool if someone won the Triple Crown and if he pulls that off then maybe the fat drunk should win. I’d be OK with that. But I just can’t shake my feelings that the league MVP should make the postseason and that is why I find this to be really stupid. The Tigers are in the middle of a playoff chase that is slipping away VERY fast yet the #1 topic in their Busch reg-filled clubhouse is the MVP candidacy of Miggy. That doesn’t sit well with me. Again, this award means nothing if the team with the nine figure payroll wastes an entire season with mediocre play. Maybe the Tigers should worry more about making the playoffs and much, much less about a trophy that Lardo is just going to turn into a scotch bong anyway.

Tony Stat Boy Reali - He's been rocking the "groomed stubble" look for the last few weeks on the dreadful Around The Horn.  It looks terrible.  He looks like a transient hobo.  When you take fashion tips from Dut, you are doomed to look like an asshole.  Or do you need groomed stubble to own your own glory hole?  Hmmm, now I don't know what to think.

So who gets your vote for the dumbest non-football player of the week? Yunel is an easy target but I’m always biased against the fucktardery of anything related to the Tigers. Who won Big Brother? If Dan lost (as he will), I demand an epic formal apology from Grumpy. See you around the way tomorrow when the BRAHs make their triumphant return to TGI Friday’s!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Even The Scab Refs Think That Gary Bettman Is Poop

How has this guy not been brutally murdered yet?
We’ve all probably watched a good amount of NFL action over the first two weeks of the season. The one aspect that continues to outshine the games themselves is the gross incompetence of the replacement referees. I mean, week one was OK, I guess, but this shit is just getting dangerous now. Cheap shots are running rampant. Consequences are limited at best yet actually quite non-existent. Hell, even Hines Ward is trying to get back into the league to snap a few more femurs from behind just like the old days. I don’t blame the refs though because they are supposed to be horrible; this is on the stupid faggot Commissioner. Someone very important is going to get hurt unless he stops pointlessly playing financial chicken with the guys that can actually control the cannibalistic barbarians on the field. This strike needs to end. The real refs have won. Give them 75% of what they want and get some order back in the game. We’re about two more weeks away from fans storming the field and murdering one of these scabs who are doing the best they can considering they were stroking it during Lingerie League games 6 months ago.

I say this all the time but Roger Goodell is a terrible front man for the league. Everyone hates him and nothing that he’s done or implemented is an honest attempt at improving the game. But even The Rog has to bow down to Gary Bettman when it comes to being the most incompetent man in the history of sports.

Hockey isn’t a huge topic around here but now that the NHL is locked out for the third fucking time in the last 20 years, I feel like we can all band together and laugh at how dumb these people are. This is just amazing to me. The league, even without ANY help from ESPN, continues to grow and that is something that many doubted would ever happen after the lost season. But they defied the odds by getting a fairly nice deal with NBC, lucking their way into a slew of marketable stars that the diehard fans loathe, and having the massive market teams go deep into the playoffs. It wasn’t easy to get back on their feet, but they were standing again to the surprise of many.

Yeah, that’s over now. And this entire situation makes ZERO sense. It basically boils down to NHL owners wanting a bigger piece of the revenue pie from the players and complaining about salaries getting out of control. From what I’ve read, it is entirely the fault of the big market teams who want to piss and moan about this shit (like the Flyers) and then offer Nashville’s Shea Weber a 17 year/nine figure deal (the Flyers actually did this). Basically, Bettman and the owners are making the players stay home and eat shit because they can’t control themselves in the offseason. These dumbass contracts were a big reason for the lost season lockout and they are the #1 reason this time. The people running this sport can’t stop themselves from out dumbfucking each other so now they want the players to roll back the salaries THAT THEY AGREED TO GIVE THEM!

OMG, this entire situation is so stupid and unnecessary that I just want to mail a box of diarrhea to the league office in Toronto. All the goodwill that the NHL has built over the last five years is gone. It isn’t the fault of the players AT ALL either (although with Donald Fehr involved, they will surely fuck this up, too). This is all big, rich Canadian asshole and his buddies that are fucking up a good thing.

I don’t care if you like hockey or not. I do and that is all that matters. The fact is that the live experience of hockey (yes, I’m talking about the Blue Jackets) is still wildly enjoyable and it doesn’t take much effort to get into the arena for free (or at least dirt cheap). Figure this fucking shit out before Columbus loses the goddamn All Star Game and I lose my taste for $9 Labatt Blues. Hockey is a great game that just can’t seem to get out of its own way. Gary Bettman is the absolute fucking worst commissioner in the history of commissioning things. I’m sure that I missed quite a few “Bettman Blows” highlights that hopefully one of you can add to in the comments.

It just amazes me that a guy responsible for three work stoppages is still allowed to run the league. The only explanation I can think of is that everyone just loves watching him get boo’ed mercilessly at arenas throughout North America. I know that it always makes me laugh. Fucking dork. They need to get this resolved though because, while Red Wings fans are assholes, even they don’t deserve to have to focus their entire attention on the Pistons.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Iceman's Weekly Post Presented by G$

I am absolutely shocked that this guy isn't show a few inches of crack.
You know, for a guy who is supposed to be doing the weekly college football recap around here, how is it that I have done 2 of the first three of these beautiful bitches?  Makes no sense; I do not run a very tight ship around here.  Before we get going, I would like to retroactively announce my return to the gambling ranks.  After learning INSIDER INFO about Miami WR Nick Harwell having season-ending knee surgery late last week that no one knew about outside of MHT, I quickly re-opened my BetUS account and put a fuck-ton of money on Boise State -21.  They were going to kill us anyway, but this unfortunate injury only helped my tough decision to bet against my alma mater.  I usually do not recommend this practice, but my mortgage can't be paid off with honor and integrity so fuck you.  I'm back, Costa Rican gambling company, COME GET SOME.

I like The Iceman's idea of the Good, the Tard, and The Tardiest so we will continue with that format this week.

Notre Dame - You've got to give credit when it is due even if that does mean showing respect to your mortal enemy.  No one had the Irish walking out of Lansing alive yet they were the ones doing the anus collapsing.  We'll get into the Big Ten later, but the Irish look fairly legit.  And big props to Manti T'eo who is a fucking beast of a LB that had to deal with his grandma and girlfriend passing away on back-to-back days (neither of which were at the hands of Brian Kelly surprisingly!).  I can't even imagine what is going on in that dude's mind.  Good for him to get a win this weekend.

Alabama - Good God, this team is ELITE.  There really is not much else to say about that.  Also: Florida State is legit.

Will Muschamp - If you watched Gameday, apparently Big Willie enjoys listening to Nickelback.  Great sign and all, but his Gators are figuring shit out.  It would be nice if they actually started playing football before halftime, but until then, they'll just have to keep curb-stomping their opponents in the second half.

My Gambling Re-Debut - 4-0 on Saturday!  Boise State.  Alabama.  Florida Atlantic (THANKS DAWG!!!).  UCLA. 

Lane Kiffin - Classic USC; no one loses random games that they should roll in better than the Trojans.  How fucked up is it that USC has lost 4 in a row to Stansbury?  Remember how all of our "experts" had USC in the national title game and Bonerz Barkley fucking the Heisman?  Yeah, those were horrible predictions.

Bo Pelini - Nice body, jerk.  The Big Ten has the pussiest coaches in the world.  Urban Meyer is a bitch.  Jerry Kill is a flipper and a twitcher.  Mark Dantonio looks like he'd rather be dead than alive and Pelini apparently has huge problems with his inability to properly fart.  LOL!

The Fuckeye Defense - These guys have never met a tackle that they didn't miss.  That was pathetic.  Cal is literally a garbage team and you lose if they have even a remotely competent kicker.  FACT.  I understand that this is still a work in progress but missing tackles is a sign of poor fundamentals and coaching.  It's easy to blame Brady being in the stands for this awful showing on Saturday, but then again, Urban read my post Wednesday and had his boy throw a lot and run much less so maybe this is what is to be expected.  It's still a work in progress here but, so far, not very impressed.  They definitely are not getting better every week.  Fortunately, your schedule is a poop.  Prime, what did Jeff Tedford have to say after the game when you grilled him about his weird coaching decisions?  How about that terrible Big Ten officiating crew just making up penalties on the Bears in the 2nd quarter and costing them 6 points? 

Ol' Fake Neck Frank Beamer - Is there anything more Va Tech than getting DESTROYED by a horrendous Pitt team?  Let this be a lesson: never bet on a Hokie game.  You can not predict what this team will ever do.

The Big Ten - This is the worst BCS conference.  PERIOD.  EXCLAMATION POINT!  Through three weeks of non-conference games, when your best team is Northwestern and no one else is even close, then you SUCK DINGER.  Ohio State is just surviving and is ripe to be upset in the next few weeks.  Sparty is still Sparty.  Michigan will lose to ND next week (BOOK IT).  Wisconsin did WHAT I SAID WOULD HAPPEN and should have lost to Utah State.  There is no redeeming quality to this shitty league.  NONE.  Every year--EVERY SINGLE YEAR--it gets worse and more embarrassing.

That's going to do it for this week's college football round up.  As you can tell, this is was more ELITE than your usual Tuesday.

Monday, September 17, 2012

The Worst of Week Two Vol.VI

I forgot to mention this on Friday and that was a huge error on my part.  Did anyone see that weird segment on the NFL Network's pregame show right before Thursday's game?  The "HE'S A BEAST" thing?  That was really bizarre.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, each panelist talks about some guy for a few seconds and then screams "HE'S A BEEEEEEAST" into the camera.  It is truly awful yet I hope that they keep doing it because I LOL'd hard when the white guys on set tried it.

It reminds me of the extremely played out "Come On, Man" segment that ESPN still does and the dumbest of the dumb still love.  Let's be honest: the only point of these pieces are for black people to sound cool and whiteys to look ridiculous.  I mean, COME ON MAN, Mike Ditka and Berman come off as complete fucktards when they try to keep up with the Keyshawns and TJ's of the world.  And last Monday, when the always adorable Suzy was filling in for "the guy that should have switched places with Tom Mees", she was just embarrassing.  In conclusion, I'm cautiously optimistic to see Rich Eisen make the above face at me every Thursday for the rest of the season.  Onto the rest of week 2 or as millions of people around the country call it, "The Patriots just eliminated me from my survivor pool".

The Chiefs - My pick to click and make the AFC title game looks REALLY GOOD through two weeks.  Jesus Christ, Matt Cassel is the worst.  CJ Spiller is the best.  Clearly, Fred Jackson was holding the Bills back.

Tom Coughlin - What the fuck is he so pissed off about?  God forbid Tampa Bay lay down and die!  Asshole.  Tom Coughlin is an asshole.

Defenses in that game - The Giants D still looks shit-tastic.  Tampa Bay's secondary has an ample amount of old Browns.  It should come as no surprise that there were ten million passing yards in this game.

Dut - Go figure that this guy would try to start up the argument between which Manning is better in a game where Eli throws for 510.  You always lose, glory hole boy.

Drew Brees - I'm willing to call it after two games: the Saints are terrible.  They can't stop anyone and Brees appears to be mortal after all.  Starting out 0-2 against the Skins and Panthers tells me that the Saints won't finish .500.  D. Sproles: still sick!

Weeden Haters - So maybe you shouldn't have overreacted to the rookie's debut last week after all, right?  He looked fairly competent yesterday!  T-Rich looked good, too.  I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the Browns might have won yesterday if Joe Haden was a fucking moron.  Or, you know...


IND/MIN and JAX/HOU - I give no fucks about these teams and games.

The Raiders - This is what happens when you deactivate MY BOY, Terrelle Pryor!  You get stomped by the worst offense in league history.  The Raiders truly are terrible.  They and Romeo Crennel's team are the two worst teams in the league through 2 weeks.

Tom Brady - If something is not right with Brees, then something REALLY isn't right with The Dreamboat.  Who gets outplayed by Kevin Kolb at home?  KEVIN KOLB!  They didn't deserve to win that game anyway because...

Ryan Williams - Yeah, your days of getting carries are over.  You thought that you were all cute when Beanie Wells got hurt (AGAIN) and you would be getting the load.  Not get a haircut.  But you're OK because...

Steven Gostkowski - LOL!  Do you kick for Cal in your spare time?  As always, FUCK NEW ENGLAND!

LeSean McCoy - Nice fumbles, jerk.  Are the Eagles the worst 2-0 team of all time?  I hate the Eagles because Mr. Ace is an awful person.  It's amazing how lucky Mike Vick is considering that he doesn't deserve to have any luck go his way.

Jake Locker - Jake Locker is a really bad QB.

Jason Witten and Tony Romo - Witten dropped everything thrown his way and Romo was his typical unELITE self.  If you didn't see this coming from Dallas then you don't know anything.  This is typical of them.  Look like a Super Bowl team one week and then complete baby shit the next.  They do this ALL THE TIME.

The Jets - Yeah, we knew that they weren't as good as they looked last week.  This game was really dull and pointless outside of that Tenor run.

Redskins defense - This was what I was deathly afraid of.  OF COURSE they would get beat by the Rams because the Redskins always lose to the fucking Rams.  Al Bundy once correctly said that "if you lose to the Rams, they throw you out of the league".  After watching that game, the Redskins should be disbanded.  THAT WAS BULLSHIT.  The Rams are MONKEY SHIT and you let Navajo Joe and Danny fucking Amendola go bananas.  AND ANOTHER PUNT BLOCKED!  Who the fuck is coaching special teams, Don Treadwell?  The offense is still sick but RG3 should demand a trade this morning.  He deserves better than that trash.  You know what, the worst of the worst this week was...

JOSH FUCKING MORGAN - YOU DUMB FUCK!  WHY ARE YOU THROWING THE BALL AT FINNEGAN WHEN YOU ARE IN FIELD GOAL RANGE!  I HOPE THAT YOU GET CUT WORSE THAN J-RUPE.  YOU FUCKING COST US THE GODDAMN GAME WITH YOUR FUCKTARDERY.  I knew that last week was fool's gold.  I just knew it.  I wanted to believe that things had changed but they really haven't.  Sure, the offense is still crazy sick but we possess a horrible defense and really dumb people.  Football is so damn frustrating.  Bring on the Bengals.  If the Browns can hang 27 on them, RG3 should be good for 70.

The Lions - I'll just assume that their lack of discipline will be LOL-worthy tonight.

Fantasy! - It's really hard to worry about that after such a shitty loss but it looks like I'll beat Dut in the DFL.  I need 15 or so from Akers tonight to beat Lange in the MSFL.  I don't know.  Josh Morgan has my head all fucked up.  GO BACK TO SAN FRAN, HOMO!  YOU PROBABLY LIKE GETTING SHIVVED UP THE ASS ON CASTRO ST LIKE THE FAGGOT THAT YOU ARE.

Whatever.  I'm doing the college football post tomorrow so update your calendars. 

Friday, September 14, 2012

Mr. Ace Asked. Mr. Ace Receives.

Prime is a real cooze-hound.
This is just going to be a quick post today because after an 88 comment Wednesday (YES!), I feel no need to overextend myself on a Friday. I’m getting ready to hop on a jet and spend a week out in Hawaii so get bent. Oh fuck, that’s what Iceman is doing. Seriously, fuck that guy. Hawaiian vacations? He better not be expensing that to this site. I’ve already blown my travel budget for the century on Prime’s trip to Columbus this weekend to cover Cal football. Whatever. I should say that although Iceman is off next week from posting here (you’re welcome), there is a strong rumor that he convinced the HarBRAHs to contribute to the blog once more. Ain’t nothing wrong with that!

*There might be a movie about Joe Paterno based on that Paterno book that is extremely worthless and filled with lies. Al Pacino is slated to play JoePa. I would KILL to see Pacino wearing those big stupid glasses and run off the field at The Shoe with a poopy diaper. But who is going to play Sandusky in this likely shitty motion picture? I’ve thought about this way more than a sane person should and I keep coming back to the same name: Craig T. Nelson. He is an awesome actor, already has experience as a football coach in Hollywood, and doesn’t look too much differently from ol’ Jerry. Let’s make this happen, Hollywood. Oh, and Mike McQueery will be played by either Seth Green or Buke. This movie will win all the Oscars if they choose the latter option.  But who plays Franco Harris?  Matt Millen?  Sue Paterno?  On second thought, I should cast this movie and it will be awesome.  Especially those kid-fucking scenes that will feel so real because they will be.

*Some asshole at some asshole paper in New York says that Tim Tebow may ask to be traded after the season. Tens wants to be a starter. Hey, that’s great, so do I! Sometimes we can’t get everything that we want in life. Some team player Timmy is turning out to be.

*I hope that the Packers won last night because an angry Prime is a better Prime. I’ll just assume that Jermichael Finley had at least 3 crucial drops as well. Pregame prediction that won’t be published until the day following the game: Packers 31-27 with the Bears covering the 6 points. Hey, if Ace wants Friday gambling advice, there aren’t many better segues than the one that I just gave!

Alabama -13 @ Arkansas: Arkansas just lost a home game to Craig Monroe and have a really bad coach. Alabama is a fucking cyborg with the best coach. Lay the points and Let Him Live. BAMA.
Miami U @ Boise State -21.5: This isn’t even funny. I don’t care how bad the Broncos looked in East Lansing with Kellen Moore’s beaver teeth on the sideline, they are still 5 touchdowns better than the team that struggled to beat Southern Illinois last week. Lay the points again.  I can't even imagine ANYONE taking the points in this game.
Virginia Tech -9 @ Pitt: Pitt is the worst. This line should be twice as high. Keep laying those points.
Utah State @ Wisconsin -12.5: The Aggies are coming off the biggest win that their program has seen in over a decade last Friday. Wisconsin has been pathetic through two weeks. Have some balls and moneyline this fucker. Or just take the points and root against Bret Bielema. It doesn’t matter, just bet against the Badgers and know that you are doing God's work.

Vikings -1 @ Colts: The Vikings should have lost at home to Blaine Gabbert last week. The Colts are playing at home and will be relieved to not see the Bears across from them. Christian Ponder on the road? No thank you. Give me Indy.
Chiefs @ Bills -3.5: It’s nice to see that the two most disappointing teams from week 1 get together in week 2 in a really depressing city. This game will come down to whose QB is less awful. I think that Cassel is less awful than the bearded hobo. Give me the points with KC.
Ravens @ Eagles -3: This line makes zero sense at all. The Eagles needed a miracle drive to beat the worst team in the league while the Ravens murdered a playoff team. The Ravens are well coached and the Eagles are not. If Vegas gives three points automatically to the home team then we are being lead to believe that these two teams are equal. These two teams are not equal. I’ll take Baltimore and make a lot of fictional money.
Jets @ Steelers -6.5: The Steelers aren’t starting the season 0-2 and Mark Sanchez still blows. Consider this a revenge game on Tenor. Steelers roll.  Grumpy and Jeff gay.

There you go. That’s it for the week. I also love Ohio State to obliterate Cal by more than 13. That line is absurdly low. Let’s make some money. Fake for me; real for you.  See you back here on Monday morning.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Notre Dame Flies South; Still Awful

Back up on that scissor-lift, pumpkin dick.
As we all learned yesterday, Notre Dame finally did it. They finally did what everyone wanted them to do and joined a conference. Those high priests finally put down Jerry Sandusky’s autobiography and stepped into the 21st century. What a relief it is to see them get with the times and hop aboard the SEC. Oh, it’s not the SEC? My bad, the Big Ten then! Not the Big Ten either, how about the Big 12? It has to be the Big 12, right? Wait, they joined the ACC? And they didn’t even include becoming a football member? So basically you’re telling me that nothing has changed except that they are moving from the Big East to the Atlantic Coast? Awesome.

What the fuck? Notre Dame infuriates me as a sports fan and if they don’t piss you off then you should stop coming here. Somehow, the Irish managed to get the ACC to give them full access to all of their potential bowl tie-ins just by giving them a scheduling promise of 5 games against their members per year. That fucking sucks. If I’m reading this right, a good Notre Dame team (LOL!) can potentially kick the ACC champ out of the Orange Bowl. STOP GIVING THESE ASSHOLES WHAT THEY WANT ALL THE TIME. I think that that is what bothers me the most. The Irish have been worthless at everything for over two decades and still get to call their own shots. It really is a sweetheart deal for the Irish:

*They can steal the Orange Bowl bid whenever they qualify and keep all the money for themselves..or not...I have no idea if this is true although initially I did.  I will just assume that it is since it would be a very Brian Kelly thing to do
*If some sort of further dramatic shift happens in college football involving playoffs and conferences happens, they can just hop into bed with the conference
*The Big East was dying anyway
*While academics will always be an issue hard to overcome, they just opened themselves up to a ton of exposure from Atlanta to Miami and that hotbed of recruits
*Brian Kelly is a total shit heap but the asshole will take advantage of these newly opened doors
*Brian Kelly is a murderer and rape ignorer who should fit right in with The U, Florida State, North Carolina, and Jeff Bostic’s daughter.
*They can still get fucked with that bullshit NBC deal for the rest of time.

All the while, the ACC gets a big name and national TV exposure five times per year that they will surely not take advantage of due to poor coaching and talent league-wide. I may hate it because of the parties involved, but everyone wins here. And that sucks.

Also from South Bend, and I haven’t talked about this yet even though the story is a few weeks old, that whole Allen Pinkett thing was/still is hilarious. Yes, that is what every team requires, AP, CRIMINALS! Pinkett must live in a world where Steve Walsh’s Miami Hurricanes still exist because having a bunch of thugs on your team almost never works and hasn’t for years. Pinkett is an idiot. Did he forget who he works for? Criminals and thugs at Notre Dame? Maybe on the coaching staff, but not on the field, buddy.

In conclusion, I hate Notre Dame. I always will. If you do not feel the same way then we can never be BFFs. As I’ve mentioned countless times, conference pride is for fags but when the Irish head to Lansing on Saturday (or the following week when they play Denard), it is perfectly acceptable to root for your conference foes to beat them by a 100. Running up the score (still douchey and always will be) is also perfectly acceptable to do against Brian Kelly because, you know, he’s a murderer.

By the way, I just sort of skimmed through the DEETS of this deal so if I'm forgetting anything juicy (I heard that the conference was trying to push through a 50 million dollar buyout if anyone tries to leave) then let me know. If not then fuck the Irish.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Urban Meyer Is Clueless

Mommy WOW!  I'm a big kid now!
Hey now!  The title of today's post has to make the blood pressure of many of our fine contributors rise but all I ask is that you hear (or read) me out because I like to think that I make great CEREBRAL points.

I think that it's pretty obvious that Urban Meyer knows what he's doing.  His history is proof of that.  However, I also think it's TOTES OBVZ that I know football better than most.  I would even say that I understand the game better than King Buttfucker only because I've never faked a life-threatening illness or whatever to leave this site.  Advantage: G$!  So with all due respect to Urban Meyer (and he doesn't deserve it since he treats everyone like garbage), you're doing it all wrong with Braxton Miller.

Here are some FACTS about Miller:
*He isn't a freak athlete like Terrelle Pryor, but he is still ELITE
*Passing accuracy is not a STREMPH of his
*He is likely always going to be a work in progress
*He has been injured every year even in high school at Wayne (named after Wayne Park, no doubt)

These are all truths.  There is a LOT to like about Braxton Miller but there is a pretty good chance that he never can consistently put all of his tools together to become a lethal combo of Cam Newton's running and RG3's passing skills.  Holy shit, I'm not joking, if he could make that happen then I would be a very sad panda.

My problem is, through two games at least, that he is being coached all wrong.  There seems to be this notion that Urban is out there trying to murder everyone to prove some sort of point to no one in particular.  Maybe he's hoping to get an AP paper title or something but that isn't going to happen because HAVE YOU SEEN THE TOP TEAMS IN THE SEC AND PAC-12?  The Buckeyes could run the table and no one is going to vote them #1.  Ever.  So it doesn't really make a ton of sense to me why Ohio State would go out of their way to run up the score on teams (as I mentioned two weeks ago).  They should be focusing on getting better every week first and foremost, not worrying about polls (although that might just be what the mouthbreathers are doing).

On the field, Braxton has been running his ass off on some broken plays but mostly on designed runs and zone reads.  After he ran 17 times against Miami, Urb vowed to lessen Miller's carries.  What happened this past week?  27 runs!  I don't care if Carlos Hyde got hurt or not.  YOU ARE OHIO STATE.  You have 6 other running backs that are good enough to not fumble and find ten foot wide holes.  Hell, drag Nate B out of the stands for a few carries.  Wouldn't you rather have him take the hits like these guys are supposed to over your franchise QB (who also doubles as your only playmaker on offense) that is injury prone?  Braxton's history shows that you are playing with fire when he tucks and runs.  It's not a matter of IF he get hurts, it's when.  FACT.

And for what?  You are playing for NOTHING but pride this year.  You shouldn't be going balls to the wall, win-at-all-costs this season.  That makes no sense.  You should still be trying to win them all, don't get me wrong, but not by putting your best player constantly at risk of taking HUGE shots.  So what should be happening?  I'm glad that you asked.

If I'm the head coach, I make him throw and throw a lot.  Yeah, we know that you can run, Braxton, but you can't hit a receiver in stride for shit.  This is a redshirt year for everyone so I will make you into a QB that can not be stopped.  And you aren't getting any better by taking a snap, making one read, running around like a guy on acid for 5 seconds, and then taking off up the field.  Sure, the fans love it, but it isn't making you any better.  Are you listening to me?  RUNNING IS NOT MAKING YOU BETTER.  He's a great athlete, like I've said, but you aren't going to be playing for a BCS title in the next two years if he's still throwing ducks like Denard.  You just won't.  Braxton Miller HAS to learn how to throw (don't give me his completion percentage this year as some sort of evidence that I'm wrong because I'm not and you know it).

That's my whole point and why I don't think Urban is doing a very good job (but I admit that I am very biased against the spread offense which is a post for another day).  So far, I haven't seen a ton of improvement on Braxton's weaknesses.  His STREMPHs are still ELITE and that's great.  But you aren't beating a Nick Saban or a Les Miles defense with a QB with the current passing skills that Miller has.  It isn't happening.

I don't expect Miller to ever become Andrew Luck or Bonerz Barkley, but he should be a better passer than Timmy Tenor was at Florida.  I'm not saying this to be a dick.  I'm saying this because you all expect a national title next year and in order for that to be a possibility, Miller needs to be more than a runner.

In conclusion, the best thing for Braxton Miller and the future of Ohio State football is to give up on this theory that "everyone must be destroyed" and treat this season like it should be experience and trial and error.  NO ONE is getting better by watching Miller scamper 60 yards on broken plays.  He needs to learn how to throw the ball accurately in live game competition.  If it means that Urban can't get his precious 60 points wins over far less talented teams then so be it.

Because I'll tell you one thing: it's all adorable now to see your QB run around like Usain Bolt, but on 9/29, William Gholston is going to try and rip out his heart Temple Of Doom-style.  That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the point of my post today, just a warning.  Gholston is a psychopath.  Finally, you've got 2.5 more years with this kid who has all the talent in the world.  There is no reason why he can't be an actual QUARTERBACK instead of his current position of "RB that throws footballs sometimes".  Unless you want another you want your own Denard?  Thoughts?
Hey Sean Connery, did I nail this post?

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

College Football Week 2

                   "Hey boys.  I'll suck your hog for a Tyler Wilson autograph."

Ahhhh.  The Iceman and College Football Tuesdays at The MoneyShot.  We go together like rat farts and sewer water.  Like Browns home games and piss filled water balloons.  Like Damman and a brothel full of fat hookers.  You get the idea.  Do you faggots realize that it was only a short year ago that G$ had to issue all you fuckin cry babies a fist full of tampons when he brought me on to write for this Pulitzer nominated sports blog?  Now look at us.  We're like a family that legitimately hates each other.  We've come a long way, you guys.

Next order of business.  I'm testing out a new segment this year called "The Good, The Tard and the Tardest".  If you need me to explain this then you probably went to the same school Seal did.  In that case get back to your Sponge Bob coloring book so you don't hurt yourself.  Also, at the end I will pick my Iceman lock of the week.  Let's jump in, here.

The Good

- Matt Barkley.
When he's not huffing boner fumes or stealing young men's dirty underwear, Matt Barkley is hurling a multitude of touchdown passes.  Listen.  I know he's played putrid filth for competition, but this is what the Heisman favorite is supposed to do.  He looks great right now and that's excellent news for us sad bastard Browns fans.  Fuck you, Brady.  We want Barkley.

-Tajh Boyd
If Boyd keeps playing the way he is currently, the ACC could have it's first legit National Title game contender since Bobby Bowden was tuggin his turkey to barely legal Tallahassee whores.  "Daaad Gummit, thas uh sweet, tenduh lookin' underwear pussy!  WOOOOOWEEEEEEE!!"  I'm not totally bought in yet since Boyd morphed into a turnover machine last year once Clemson started playing not shitty teams.  But so far he looks pretty fuckin good.

Okay, MuDawg.  This is Georgia's last chance with me.  Aaron Murray could be the best QB in the SEC this year as long as the offensive line can keep his milky white cheeks clean.  If Murray shines, so do the Dawgs as we saw this past weekend.  Beating Missouri was mildly impressive but they have a YOOOOUGE test at South Carolina in 4 weeks.  I'll wait until then before I start Dennis Green "CROWNING THEIR ASSES!"  And the only reason I say "mildly impressive" is because Blaine Gabbert is a princess fairy.

The Tard

-Michigan's defense.
Jesus Christ sucking on tubby lard tits!  I would rather French kiss my dog's butthole than watch a single defensive replay from that fucking joke of a performance.  Michigan's defense faces a team that runs a dead offense from the 1920's and all of a sudden they sprint around grabbing at each other's dick and balls for 3 hours?  I can understand getting hammer fucked by an SEC powerhouse offense but the GOD DAMN AIR FORCE?!?!  Fuck my butt, it's gonna be a long season if Mattison doesn't get this shit figured out.

-DA U!
This shit is starting to get flat out embarrassing.  How does a program go from playing for a National Title 10 years ago to the current state of compost we see today?  They looked like a Division II school against Kansas St.  But then again...KState is the home of BEST FANTASY RUNNING BACK DARREN SPROLES!!  I almost feel bad for everyone at Miami but then I remember that shit heads like Michael Irvin and Kellen "FUCKIN SOLIDER" Winslow played there.  Fuck em.

The Tardest

Great effort, guys!  There's a Heisman finalist from last year on the team and he only gets 61 yards against a team that has been PAC-12 gutter trash that's good for between 4 and 9 losses a year.  That's just superb football right there.  I put 99% of the blame on Bielema for not recruiting QBs and just relying on transfer students to step in and run the offense like they've been there 4 years.  Oh...and just because you have a horde of fat fuck offensive lineman that all weigh over 300 pounds doesn't mean shit unless they can block.

John L. Smith does it again!  Everything this guy touches turns into muddy diarrhea.  I've heard hillbilly, hog nation screaming injustices about dropping out of the top 25.  Get fucked.  Let's say, in theory, for a moment that Michigan lost to Appalachian State in 2007 as the 5th ranked team in the country.  What happened then (besides a violent shove for me into alcoholism)?  That's right, faggots.  Out of the top 25...and deservedly so.  And if losing to Louisiana-Monroe wasn't bad enough.  There's this.  I'm begging you.  Stop reading right now and watch that video.  Seriously.  I fucking cried real laughter tears when I first saw this.  Hillbillies are good for more than just incest and birth defects.

Iceman Lock of the Week

-Notre Dame over Michigan State
MSU barely beat a Boise team that lost literally every offensive play maker they had from a year ago.  Unless you count Kellen Moore's faggy little brother Kirby as a play maker.  And then they thumped a Central Michigan team that isn't gonna be any good this year.  Notre Dame hasn't exactly blown my balls off with their competition so far, but they aren't starting Andrew Maxwell either.  If that choad turns it over that many times against Boise, he's gonna be in for a long afternoon against an Irish defense that looks to be improved from last year.  Plus Notre Dame has a QB that is ELITE at assaulting cops when he's blasted.  That has to count for something.  ND - 20  MSU - 13

There you go, bitches.  And FYI there is a reason I didn't talk about everyone's favorite cum dumpster, Braxton Miller.  So pipe the fuck down about it.  By the time you read this, Dirty Darren McFadden should have carried me on his sturdy haunches into Fantasy Football victory lane.  If by some chance that didn't happen, I'll just send him to the glue factory like you do with all other broken thoroughbreds.  In the meantime I'm gonna go watch that video again...TOGETHER WE STAND!  DIVIDED WE FALL!  AND IF OUR RAZORBACKS SHOULD EVER BE AGAINST THE WALL!

Monday, September 10, 2012

The Worst of Week One Vol.VI

Buke, please teach this guy how to properly raise the roof.
YES!  Real football is back!  Oh how sweet this is.  I've missed Scott Hanson so much.  Did you see that my Redskins fucking OWNED THE SUPERDOME?  I'll bet that you did see that.  I will talk way more about that later.  Yesterday, the local water park had their dog day before they closed for the season.  We took our dog there for the second year in a row.  Few things are more enjoyable than chucking your dog into the deep end of the pool and watching him doggy-paddle back to you.  It's very amusing.  I was the ELITE guy there that brought earbuds with me and was listening to the Redskins game the whole time.  If you thought that I would not make a scene during the call of Garcon's 88 yard touchdown catch (that he somehow hurt himself during because of course he would) then you do not know me at all.  REDSKINS FOOTBAW!  Like usual, though, not many players were as great and TRANSCENDENT as RG3 and I must call them out on there shittiness now.

Andrew Luck - That was a pretty disappointing debut for the chosen one.  Granted, the Bears have a legit defense but I wasn't expecting as many poor decisions as he had.  He'll be fine and all that, but he is not Bobby Griff.

Matt Forte fantasy owners - Expect to see way more Michael Bush touchdown vulturing.  And people wondered why I didn't draft any good running backs this year.  Running backs are a crap shoot.

Mike Vick and Shady McCoy - Not good.  These are the Eagles that I know and hate.  Way to completely ignore your best offensive weapon in lieu of more garbage Vick passes.

Brandon Weeden - Another rookie QB with an underwhelming debut.  He's still better than Colt McCoy.  Damman attended his first ever game at Browns Stadium yesterday featuring a 7 am start time for drinking.  How did that go?  Did you see Seal?

The Lions - You'll take the win, for sure, but how in the hell do you need a last second TD to beat the fucking Rams at home?  Pathetic.  Fat Stafford's celebratory sprinting was the LOL moment of the week.

Jake Locker - Dude, take a lesson from Denard, when you throw a pick, let someone else make the tackle.

Falcons doubters - Well, after week one, ATL and that passing game appear to be unstoppable.  Matty Ice was everything that we thought he could be yesterday.  Nice start to the fightin' MUDawgs.

Jags/Vikings - This game should not have been televised.  I will say that Vikings K Blair Walsh should be a member of DFL champion franchise, Blair White Power.

The Bills - Poor commenter Dan.  So many people picked Buffalo to turn the corner this year and that all ended yesterday when Fred Jackson's leg died on the field and they gave up half a hundred to Mark Sanchez.  On a positive note, CJ Spiller is leading the NFL in rushing!  The pick six that Fitzpatrick threw to Cromartie was the worst pass thrown this week.  At least he leads the league in something.

Ryan Tannehill - All you need to know about the team who will be drafting first next April is that Tannehill threw a 3 yard pass on 4th and 8.  These guys suck.

Rex Grossman - Deactivated yesterday!  Cousins is the #2!  How dare Shanahan treat El Sex Cannon like that!

Drew Brees - For a team that was apparently so U MAD BRO at Goodell, they sure didn't play like they had anything to prove yesterday.  The Skins defense looked really good except for that awful blocked punt and then in garbage time.  They were all over the field.  It was incredible.  I haven't seen our defense play like that since #21 was still OWNING the league.  Never forget #21.  His death was my 9/11.

RG3 H8RZ - OK, everyone, time to bow down.  Do you know how many home games the Saints lost last year?  The answer is "one less than they have already this year".  That was incredible.  We have been irrelevant for so fucking long (especially offensively) and now, as Dut said yesterday, the Redskins are fun to watch.  YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT THEY ARE.  I could not be happier right now.  Yesterday was almost perfect accept for the aforementioned pointless Garcon injury.  Alfred "ALF-MO" Morris appears to be a great find by Shanny.  I'm a little skeptical only because we play the Rams next week.  The old Skins would lose to them by double digits.  Hopefully, RG3 does what I want and fucking trucks STL.  I can't wait.  A consistently competent NFL team is everything that I've ever wanted.  And it appears that after 20 years, I just may have it again.  HAIL!  STRAIGHT!

The replacement refs - They were fine early but they were the scabbiest of butt scabs late.  Let's just ignore blocks in the back and cause Harbaugh's head to explode!  Seattle wants a FOURF timeout?  FUCK YEAH!  Bring back Booger.

Bill Simmons - What an awesome piece of shit NFL prediction diaper that he threw up on Friday!  Seattle to win the NFC!  Russell Wilson verbal BJ!  Yeah, sports douche, the Seahawks still blow and Wilson is not even close to being the most VISCERAL rookie QB.  Get fucked by Chuck Klosterman and go have another reality TV fantasy league.

Cam Juice - This beverage apparently can not be consumed in less than ideal weather.

Ryan Clark - I hope that the Steelers play in Denver every year.  I will never stop laughing at his lupus face.

The Packers - Still can't play defense and still can't run the ball.  Nothing has changed at all.  Oh sure, they'll still score a ton and win a lot of games, but they aren't a legit SB contender.  I said it.  You know it's true.

Randy Moss - Our last submission today because he is the one that I was most disappointed with.  Sure, he scored and all to show that he's back but whatever.  He was back in Green Bay...with Joe Buck on the call...WHERE WAS THE POOPING MIME!  The all-time greatest touchdown celebration should have been replicated!  You failed America, Randy Moss.

FANTASY! - My strategy of ignoring running backs seems to be off to a nice start.  Going into tonight, I am winning all four of my match-ups but will likely lose one of them.  I am going to beat Jeff in the DFL and Iceman in the MSFL and those two games were of extreme importance.

Finally, remember how some of you said that the Redskins were foolish for giving up a ton of picks for RGTHREELITE?  How do you like them apples that look an awful lot like my testicles?  WE SICK, U SUCK.  Enjoy Chris fucking Berman doing play by play for game 2 tonight.  God help us all.

Friday, September 07, 2012

All of Our Teams are SHIT!

I invented the wrap sandwich.
With all of the joy that a new football season brings, it also ushers in the time of year when you stop paying attention to baseball. It’s one of the best parts about the great game of kicking ass. Baseball season is a grueling marathon of highs and lows and it is really hard for even the most passionate fan to care all season long. I know that my interest in my team is way down right now. It helps that they are fucking PUKE at the moment but still. I figured that we could all stop firing that fucking pigskin for a day to talk about how shitty our teams are playing at the moment (except for Lange, Hoffman, and the always seductive Tonya…you three can get FUKT; no one likes consistent good play dammit!).

First of all, I would just like to remind everyone again that I predicted from the start that Bobby V would be a disaster in Boston. His newest weekly blow-up in which he threatens to punch a DJ in the mouth for asking him if he has given up was comedy at its finest. I mean, that was just tremendous. For as pompous and douchey as Valentine is (and he most definitely is that and more), he is getting harpooned by a bunch of pussy players and cocksucker media members who think that they are important. They are not. The Red Sox are a disgrace from pink hat to bottom. I love it.

The Yankees are horrible. Even if I had the MLB package, I wouldn’t watch these losers right now. My dad is the biggest Yankees fan I know and even he sounds like he wants to hang himself from the Maumee River Bridge when this team gets brought up in conversation. They blow in every facet of life right now. It’s September and they blew a ten game lead to the ORIOLES. Baltimore sucks, too, and what they are doing is probably the biggest fluke in sports history but that is no excuse for the way that these bumbledicks have been humping doorknobs recently. I hope that Russell Martin and Raul Ibanez fall into a bottomless pit of Iceman insults. If they even make the playoffs, they have no chance of doing anything. And it will have nothing to do with the pitching, either, but because the offense is horrendous. It’s called a fucking BUNT, Unfrozen Caveman Manager, you should try it some time.

The Indians are horrible. Now that Art Modell is up in Heaven with the rest of the angels, I guess you can focus your hate on that cheap Dolan guy now. Good luck with your 29th best farm system, too. I hope that Ubaldo was worth crippling the franchise! FYI, he was not.

The White Sox are horrible. It’s pretty hard to take you seriously when you can’t compete with the Tigers. It’s not that they are beating you though; it’s that they are emasculating the shit out of you. You clearly do not belong in the postseason.

The Tigers are horrible. You may own the White Sox but no one else. Kansas City and Cleveland obviously have a monopoly on your ass space because they’re renting it out to everyone else on the reg. I can see why they wouldn’t rent to Chicago though…black trash. I am so sick and tired of hearing about how great this team is. They aren’t. They’re BARELY decent. Stop giving me this shit like everything is going to be fine because it’s isn’t. You’ve had 140 games to show what you are and you’ve done nothing at all. You have a worse record than the A’s and Orioles. LOLZ!

The Cubs are horrible. FUCK YOU, PRIME AND BUKE! You will not escape my rage today!

The Braves are horrible. I don’t even know if this is true. Is it true, Dawg? I didn’t want to leave you out. I see that Kris Medlen is ELITE somehow. That doesn’t seem like it should happen.

So let’s all unleash our frustrations today before we get back into football next week. And even though Big Bro has not aired at the time of this writing, I’ll safely assume that it’s OK to say RIP Psycho Frank. You and your dominating ways will not be forgotten. At least you were blindsided by the best player of all time. Can you imagine if I was in this house? I would be sucking all of the juice out of Dan’s dick simply out of respect for his genius game play.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Live Blog!!

                           Eli Manning's high school Senior year picture.

I'm a little late turning the TV on for the big NFL opener tonight.  I was down at the liquor store trying to find a 30 year old bottle of whiskey I could have for my house in order to impress a bunch of fuckers I actually hate when it really comes down to it. If nothing else it should show them how sophisticated I am.  Since I'm just an uneducated, beer drinking, hillbilly fucktard, I'll take the white trash easy way out and live blog this bitch.  So now that I'm in my Wrangler jeans and favorite Jimmy Johnson t-shirt...let's dive in and catch up to the action.

7:38 - What did I miss so far?  Oh...Mariah Carey still has linebacker calves and Cee-Lo is still a weird midget.  Cool, so I missed nothing.

7:40 - These fuckin 1st game of the NFL season pregame shows get more and more faggity every year.  Nice gold shoulder pads, queers.  Are we being completely serious with this bullshit right now?  The only way that could have been more homo is if those gold shoulder pad guys were jerking each other off while dancing around like gay little sprites and violently rubbing semen on their gums like coke sluts going through heavy withdrawal symptoms.  Oh...No Doubt is up next.  Apparently this is 1996.

7:45 - Phil Simms still has shit breath.  Check.

7:46 - John Gruden continues to have a haircut you see on every single 5 year old boy.  Never change, Gruden.  HOLY FUCKIN CHRIST TITS!  Peyton Manning is dressed like my dead Grandfather!  Nice suit, Plaid King!!

7:48 - Speaking of shit breath...Peter King is looking rather disgusting this evening.

7:53 - Jason Witten is a fuckin BEAR!  He went from being out 4-6 weeks with a lacerated spleen (an injury I was just informed killed my GF's best friend 6 years ago) to starting tonight in a matter of 10 days.  Good Gawd!  I respect him the same way LS respects a single malt Highland Park drinker!  ZING!

7:56 - Grumpy just got rock hard.  Hines Ward smile sighting.  That faggot's answer to Costas' fuckin SOFTBALL question sounded rehearsed....and gay...and Asian. God, I hate that fucker.

8:01 - Michelle Beadle is hot.  She was the only reason to tune into that bullshit show that Colon Cowfucker pretends is watchable.  Now that she's not on it there's no reason to tune in.

8:17 - Now that I'm done eating...Hey!  Did you guys know that ELI is funny?  It's crazy how being dressed in a wool track suit makes you the better dressed brother tonight.

8:26 - Gwen Stefani should be happy that her stretch marks don't show up on HDTV so half of America can still try and pretend she's fuckable.  In other news, No Doubt needs to hang it up.

8:32 - I wonder how many YOOOOOOOOOUGE's we'll hear tonight from Michaels.  I'm saying less than 10.  It's a long season and he needs to pace himself.

8:38 - Ah.  The incredibly awful hip hop version of the Star Spangled Banner.  Exactly the way Francis Scott Key intended when he drew it up.  Is that an XXXXL jersey made out of a tattered bed sheet that ol' Queen Latifa is wearing?

8:41 KICKOFF!!

8:43 - Three and out.  Nice hands, Victor Cruz.  Did Eli's dart have a little too much hot cheese on it?  Colon Cowturd does NOT appreciate Tony Romo introducing himself with a backwards hat on.  Did you guys know that a backwards hat means he's not CEREBRAL?  It's TOTES true.

8:46 - Three and out.  Blame Felix Jones.  Blame everything on Felix Jones.  Hixon just ran more than 10 yards without blowing out his knee for the 3rd straight year.  That's progress.  And here's commercial break number one of 30 billion.

8:53 - GREAT shot of the Manning family.  Papa Bear looking like a drugged out Where's Waldo and Mama Bear using her tongue to clean the front of her teeth.  Pristine camera work, fellas.

8:56 - And with that carry everyone can safely drop David Wilson off their fantasy teams.  Coughlin is currently activating every running back on the practice squad so he can bury Wilson even further on the depth chart.

9:05 - Garrett showing some uncharacteristic balls on the 4th and inches here.  Complete failure.  Because when you need a yard...hand the ball off to a fuckin fullback who registers about 3 carries a year.  THAT'LL FOOL EM!  LOLZ!

9:09 - Every time Nicks catches a pass and gets tackled, I hold my breath until he gets up.  For a guy who is made out of fucking glass, I sure do draft him a lot in fantasy football.

9:11 - First quarter in the books and there's probably quite a few pissed off fantasy owners (ME!).  Start scoring some points, you fucks!

9:15 - First play of the second quarter is a YOOOOOOOUGE loss to make it 2nd and tard for the Giants.  And Demarcus Ware gets his 100th sack. Pretty incredible considering he came from Troy. comes another punt and another God damn commercial.

9:19 - Dez Bryant is high on his mom's whorish pussy filth and thinks he wasn't tackled on the play.  ELITE stiff arm by Tony Romo on a busted play.  That's what a backwards ball cap'll getcha!  Silly bitch school yard plays on the fly!  It'll also get you an ELITE near pick six on the very next play.

9:25 - Since David Wilson has been nuked back to 8th string, let's see how Bradshaw is at handling goal line duties..........................shitty.  Remarkable shot of Rob Ryan saying "fuck" 87 times in 12 seconds after Cruz got absolutely mugged at the goal line.  3-0 Giants.

9:33 - Jason Pierre Paul is wearing the same gloves that Barry Weiss wears when he roots through the storage lockers he pays way too much money for.  Because that is more interesting to talk about than what's currently happening.  Another fucking punt.  I'll start up again when something interesting happens.

9:47 - It's worth mentioning Dez Bryant looks unguardable.  It's also worth mentioning that he probably wears a belt of knives under his shoulder pads.  TOUCHDOWN!  Finally!!  That noise you hear is the mad dash of every fantasy owner hitting the waiver wire for Kevin Ogletree.  I'm pretty sure the ESPN mainframe just crashed.

9:53 - Second drop by Cruz and his flaccid penis hands.  Sack.  Draw.  Halftime.  Nice series, fags.  The DVR just informed me that football was about to be changed because "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." has a series recording set up.  Everyone should know I'm not above murdering my GF and I'm pretty sure Drew would help me pull it off.

10:10 - 3rd quarter begins.

10:15 - Felix Jones is the worst running back in the league.  Jerruh only keeps that pussy around because releasing him means he was fucking wrong.

10:17 - "Be sure to drink your Ogletree.  Ogletree?  A crummy commercial??  Sonofabitch..."  That is an ELITE movie reference only the coolest people will get.  Anyway...that 2nd TD locks Ogletree as the most added fantasy player this week which also means he'll suck taint the rest of the year.

10:24 - Man, Victor Cruz is having a rough night.  That's what he gets for being a salsa dancing cocksucker last year.  Put together more than one good season before you start celebrating in the end zone like Chad Ochofuckface.  Bradshaw just got his tits blown off.  Great hit.

10:30 - Maybe if Morris Claiborne scored better than a 6 on his Wonderlic he wouldn't have been Bradshaw's sloppy bitch on that touchdown run.  Great tackle, retard!

10:36 - Demarco Murray just salvaged a poop fantasy night with that run.  Hell of an effort on his part.  Felix Jones would have taken that hand off, tripped over a line on the field, spilled onto the ball cock first and burst a testicle.  SANDLOT SCRAMBLE PLAY FOR A FIRST DOWN BY ROMO!  THE POWER OF THE BACKWARDS BALL CAP IS TRANSCENDENT!!!

10:43 - FG makes it 17-10 Cowboys.  Quarter 3 over.

10:54 - Giants start the 4th quarter the same way they started the 1st.  Impressively shitty.

10:59 - Cowboys driving again.  Murray fuckin punishes people when he runs.  It's really fun to watch, actually.  If he stays healthy, he could be one of the best backs in the league.  I'll buy in.

11:05 - FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Fucking Christ!  Can we run a series without a zillion flags?  G$'s secret crush Miles Austin just possibly put this game out of reach as he scores over the Giants 12th string corner and flashes his 50 tooth smile.  G$ is flicking his bean to this replay somewhere in Columbus.

11:13 - Ahmad Bradshaw is killing Eli Manning's fantasy night but keeping the Giants in this game.  Bradshaw will probably break something in 4 weeks so get what you can out of him now.  Victor Cruz is fucking shit!  What a limp dicked turd.  If that faggot catches a TD in this game and salsa dances after I'm shooting him in the balls.

11:22 - ELI brings the Giants within one score of America blaming Romo for this loss.  Even though Romo has never played in the defensive secondary in his life.  Do you pass here? pass here since I'm pretty sure I saw Buke and Clint Stover (Napoleon reference!) at corner for the Giants.

11:30 - Romo to Ogletree for the dagger 1st down.  Aaaaaaaaaand that should do it.  Pending any funkiness this shit is over.  And that means I'm out.  Peace out, bitches.  I hope all your fantasy teams look like the Giants offense this week.