Monday, August 06, 2012

Today's Post Is Dedicated to Garrett Reid

I would like to announce that I am no longer alive.
I was walking the dog yesterday morning and listening to ESPN radio when they announced that Andy Reid had left Eagles practice and that the team was asked to pray for their coach.  I just imagined that Pat's, Geno's, and Tony Luke's must have all closed or something.  It was surprising to hear a few minutes later that the his loser son, Garrett, had died in his dorm room at camp.  Now, it's not a shock that this drug user and dealer passed away; more so that he was part of the Eagles coaching staff.  Good God, it's no wonder that they failed miserably last year.  I can't think of anyone less qualified to be on a football staff than that meth-head.  Look at him!  This guy was on the Eagles coaching staff!  Anyway, I immediately sent a hilarious text to Mr. Ace (this site's resident Eagles fan) laughing at Garrett's death and he took it in stride.  Ace demanded that Andy Reid be named Father of the Year and began the rally for the team to win the Super Bowl in the name of Oxycontin!  Drew blamed Vick for it.  Iceman believes that you will find bite marks from dad all over the corpse.  I expect the Eagles to wear black syringes on their jerseys this year.  Forgive me for not showing any compassion for a dead drug dealer who was handed an awesome life and pissed it all away.  How about starting off the week with a few quick hitters?  I don't want Grumpy to get all mad at me again for not catering to his interests every day.


*Speaking of dead guys - This has nothing to do with sports but it is about time for me to address it here.  OK, so if you are around my age and from Naptown, you are probably Facebook friends with a J-Rupe.  No one knows him at all but he is one of those guys that is friends with everyone.  He's also one of those dickheads that posts 20 pictures with comments on them within a minute that clogs up your feed for weeks.  But I keep him around because he is insane and many of us have joked that he is getting closer and closer to killing himself.  Well, apparently, we are on the precipice of Rupe meeting Garrett Reid himself.  His cryptic FB updates about how his brain is broken and nothing can fix him at this point is starting to get a bit scary.  Like, seriously, he's going to do it soon.  Maybe he's a pussy and just trying to get attention (very likely) but it's starting to feel real.  I mean, if I ever contemplated suicide (I wouldn't), the first thing that I would do is provide a FB status update on my mental well being.  It appears that the guy finally checked himself into a hospital because it seemed like he wasn't going to make it through the weekend.  Should I mention that he's a "cutter"?  Don't believe me?  Here's Facebook proof that he provided.

So, Rupe, if you stumble upon this post in between scaring the shit out of every one of your online "friends", killing yourself is a pussy move and cutting yourself is FUCKING GAY.

*Speaking of MORE dead guys - Some 22 year old soccer player on the Columbus Crew died this weekend as well when he was found unconscious at Park Street Saloon on Saturday night.  That is not surprising.  They drugged me.  I'm sure that they killed him.  Seriously, THAT IS THE WORST BAR EVER.  They kill people and try to get me raped.


*Rally was enjoyable - It's always good to see guys like Andy K, Nate B, and Li'l Strut and talk some football over some beers.  I hope that I wasn't too awesome for you.

*Speaking of football - There were quite a few conversations about college football on Friday and after hearing Phil Steele do a few interviews over the weekend, I'm starting to get pumped.  The coaches' poll was released a few days ago and that one actually matters so maybe we can talk about that for a piece.  LSU and Alabama enter the season at 1 and 2.  Obviously, both teams are talented, but I watched a lot of Tide players get called during the NFL Draft (especially on defense) and Les Miles drinks from the toilet.  One of these days, that horseshoe is going to fall from his ass.  Both teams seem a little over-ranked in my opinion.  So does Michigan at 8, too.  By the way, Phil Steele knows A LOT about college football (this is not breaking news).  I rolled my eyes and LOL'ed when I heard that he has Florida State ranked #1 but he sold me based on logic and personnel. 

*This Montee Ball story is strange - Why is the best player on a top ten football team and Heisman finalist getting jumped by 5 dudes in Madison?  I want to know more about this.  I guarantee that Ball fucked some dude's skanky girl and BRAH wanted revenge.  GUARANSHEED.

That's it for today, I think.  The Yankees and Tigers start a series tonight (nice job yesterday, Chris Perez).  That should be entertaining.  Frank Viola Jr's wingman is pitching this evening.  If he wants to win the Cy Young again, he better dominate tonight because Weaver and King Felix are both likely ahead of his garbage ass at the moment.  Fuck the Tigers.

38 comments:

Grumpy said...

Sad about your somewhat friend back home. I'll never understand people posting shit like that on Facebook.

I saw a headline that there is more to the Monte Ball story, but didn't get a chance to read it. Something to the effect the attack wasn't unprovoked, so you're on the right track.

Florida State #1? That's interesting, but I don't see it.

Anonymous said...

I disagree. Suicide takes balls (I cant do it, not that ive tried, though some of my drinking days may have been suicidal). Talking about it and not doing it is the real pussy thing to do. I had a facebook friend pull the same shit last month. I don't really know him that well amd he lives in Cali. So in the midst of friends and family pleading for reconsideration and stroking his ego there is me with "do it.'. Interestingly enough that post was deleted.

Loving this Montee Ball stuff. He totes fucked a white girl.

Some pretty ELITE Olympics this weekend. Phelps horse raping that nip in the relay was incredible. I came under a lot of sadness knowing I cant watch the womens gymnastics team with the same enthusiasm that I used to withouth feeling like a fucking pervert. Having said that, I was really impressed with Gabby. She killed it. Is the story of LeBron being clutch as big of a story as the fact that he actually needed to be?

Breaking Bad owned last night.

Ide

GMoney said...

Grump, this cat is absolutely NOT my friend. I've talked to him a grand total of zero times in my life. But his FB posts are wildly entertaining and I'm hanging around and not blocking him to see how it all (for lack of a better word) ends.

I will never understand why people cut themselves though.

MJ's Hitler-stache laughs at Kobe only beating Linus Kleiza by 5 points.

Mr. Ace said...

RIP Garrett. Your supplier will greatly miss you.

I like Phil Steele. I regularly use his Most Improved Team list every year to make bets on college football. Usually works out well. So put your money down on UCF, Fuckeyes, and USF NOW.

Also, lets try to figure out a date for the MSFL draft. I will be sending out a league email shortly. I don't remember what time we started last year, but I will propose that we have the draft on September 4, 2012 at 7:30 PM. What say you?

Anonymous said...

Chalk up another good reason not to be on Facebook. Fags.

"Black Syringes" is ELITE.

So, if the playoffs started today the Tigers would be in them. So, much for G$'s brilliant "the Tigers have done nothing to show they will be in the playoffs" comment a few days ago.

Also, LOLZ at Seal, Brady and Damman (moreso at Seal since he's an asshole). Getting swept in back to back to back series by the Twins, Royals and Tigers is the OPPOSITE of ELITE. Was it fun to see the best hitter in the world tell Chris Perez to go fuck himself with that walk-off? Go fuck yourselves.

--Drew

Nate B. said...

G$ - you still confident Miami OH will cover spread in week 1?

Mr. Ace said...

More importantly, how about we get Poker Night started back up? I have a new place with plenty of room and the wife is out of town this week. And Dut's my neighbor so we can take all of his gay friends money.

Anonymous said...

Sept 4th works for me. I will be in Columbus that weekend for Labor Day which is also my birthday. Boom.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Ace, Yahoo still won't give me permission to answer emails from you, but that date is fine with me.

What does the assistant to the strength coach do?

Anonymous said...

That's fine, Drew - I absolutely deserve that. Its almost impressive that a team can go from beating Verlander and only 3.5 games out of first to looking like one of the worst teams in baseball. Great caoching, Acta.

Fuck Perez - giving up 5 runs after recording the first 2 out of the inning and no one on base. Jerkoff. Should have traded him when we could - he is gonna catch so much shit in Cleveland after that performance.

Scherzer is fucking brutal - outside of Verlander, your pitching staff is shit. I actually hope you guys make the playoffs to see Verlander underperform on the big stage and the rest of your starters get rocked. SWEEEEP in the first round.

Seal

GMoney said...

If Drew is still butt-hurt over the rain game in Boston then maybe he can get over it now since Perez got squeezed on Dickbag Dirks. There. Now you're even. You shouldn't brag about being a wild card team. Is it possible for you to be more lame? You probably cut yourself.

Nate, as long as the line is still around 27 as I initially saw it, then yes the RedHawks are where your money should go.

9/4 would be fine. 7:30 might be a stretch though considering PRIME TIME. I will let FagNasty know.

Damman tried to rekindle some romance with an old flame on Friday and ended up throwing up violently all over himself, her couch, and her floor. Just thought that you guys should know.

Anonymous said...

Did he try to hang with her through 15 Grand Slams?

Mr. Ace said...

"What does the assistant to the strength coach do?"

Heroin.

As far as time we can do later...How long did it take us last year? Hour and a half maybe? We could do something like 9:30.

GMoney said...

No, it took well over 2 hours (I remember a LOT of pissy bitching as if these losers had something better to do). Let's find out when Prime can go and then we'll tell him to fuck off and schedule it an hour earlier.

Great call on Garrett's job responsibility. It looks like Garrett and Vince Young were keeping each other alive. Sending him to Buffalo was literally a death sentence.

Grumpy said...

Last year was closer to 3 hours. Guys started bailing once they had shot their wad.

Anonymous said...

"what does an assistant strenght coach do?" -- It's a job that was supposed to keep him busy and give him a paycheck since no other bizness would ever hire him.

Seal...Fister's been coming on strong over the last month (think he's only had one bad outing) and Scherzer's worst was yesterday...he's still 2nd in the AL in K's. It's not terrible.

G$...If I was on Facebook I'd be more lame.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

4:30 my time is quite a stretch. I get off work at 5 and have a bit of a drive. Last year we started at 6 my time but we could make it 5:30 (8:30 your time) and that should work. Sorry to be the only awesome one to live in the Pacific time zone.

You mention the rally but forgot the best part- the Bears RG3 jersey!!!! Not that Robert Griffin fag- Sexy Rexy is the OG RG3.

I had a Facebook "friend" message me once and it was clearly suicidal. I had only met the guy once so I ignored him. Haven't seen him post in quite some time...

GMoney said...

Thank you for reminding me, Prime! Yes, at Rick's Sports Bar on Friday some white trash guy was wearing a Rex Grossman Bears jersey. It was glorious. That guy knows how you win NFC titles!

Why would guys stick around for the conclusion of an online draft if their rosters were complete???

Prime99 said...

Also, Grump, the league is on ESPN. Could that be the problem?

Ace- ELITE herion comment!

The Iceman said...

"Damman tried to rekindle some romance with an old flame on Friday and ended up throwing up violently all over himself, her couch, and her floor. Just thought that you guys should know"

This will get me through the rest of my day.

Fuck! It looks like I de-friended J-Rupe at the wrong time. I hope the fact that I rejected his friendship was the push he needed to send him into this emotional tailspin he can't recover from. Being responsible for someone killing themselves would be a nice thing to add to my resume.

Maybe if Ide loved Train less we could get this draft done in a reasonable amount of time.

Sept. 4th works for me as well.

Anonymous said...

It was an ELITE vomit performance on Friday. It was one of those flat on your back pukes. I was mid passout and the puking woke me up. Nearly choked myself. Good stuff. She was not impressed. Although it was not her house, it was her friend's. Obviously she does not care for me now either.

I'm good for whatever day and time for the draft.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Ice, I de-friended him as well but when I heard what I was missing, I just added him back. He accepted within about a minute. He doesn't hold grudges. I suggest you do the same.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Damman....what was more disgusting....waking up gurgling on your own puke or Chris Perez's performance yesterday?

Forgot to mention that I hope whomever Monte Ball pissed off...Bielema pissed off too. I'd love to see a YouTube of five black kids beating up Bielema. Might even spur me to make a donation to the Black Panther party.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

It was good seeing members of the Money Shot Commentariat on Friday. We thought about going to Rick's and actually walked in the front door to find out there was a $1 cover charge. I left under the principle that Rick's should actually be paying me to go there.

-Lil' Strut

Brady said...

The fact the Indians season has went the way of Garrett Reid is sad. On the other hand, I don't have to devote 3 hours a night to watching them bail water just to stay afloat in the AL central! HIstory channel, here I come!

The Iceman said...

Friend request sent. Could be one of the best decisions I've made in the last 10 days.

Anonymous said...

This article title from ESPN today is ELITE!

"Austin Jackson now one of AL's elite"

--Drew

Brady said...

Sounds like an ELITE puking performance by Damman. What would've been the more interesting story from the weekend? Reid dies from overdose of everything or Damman dies choking on his own puke while laying on his back? I probably would've voted on the latter.

Anonymous said...

I witnessed the crew player die on Saturday. It was very disturbing. He was across the street from park street patio using the curb as a pillow. 4 cops were standing around him laughing and fucking with him. After a few minutes, one decided to check his pulse and obviously couldn't find it. The other 3 them tried and couldn't find it either. That's when they got serious and did CPR like I've never seen before. The dude had to break all his ribs. The details that come from this will be interesting. My only regret is not videotaping the conduct of those shitty officers.

The tigers have the same "shitty" staff as last year. I think they did OK in the playoffs. My god Indians fans are idiots.

I can't remember if i am still friends with rupe. I did some housecleaning of my friends list and I'm not sure if he made the cut. No pun intended!

Dut

GMoney said...

Drew, if ESPN didn't put it as ELITE then it does not count.

Dut, that would suck. You literally watched a man die. I hope that he haunts you. I don't blame the cops for fucking with him though. If I saw a BRAH passed out on the curb, I would laugh at him, too.

Also, Andy and I had a nice 5-10 minute conversation about how shitty Dut is at everything. It was ELITE.

Grumpy said...

You're right Prime, ESPN won't let me answer the emails. I can see all the team info from last year though.

Drew thinks Facebook is lame, but is on Twitter. G$ thinks Twitter is lame but is on Facebook. The moral of the story is....?

If Iceman de-friended me I would curl up in a fetal position and refuse food.

The Iceman said...

Don't worry, Grumpy. You're interesting enough to keep around.

Christ, Damman. You weren't kidding. For a guy who is threatening suicide, he sure is quick on the Facebook friend acceptance button.

So could we reasonably conclude that Dut is a murderer? I think so.

Anonymous said...

Dut still goes to Park St Patio on Saturday nights. Hilarious.

Death by drinking, what a fag. I saw that headline on ESPN and laughed it off. Since it was soccer I wasn't going to read it even if it did happen in Columbus. Turns out the guy played at UNC in college before he got drafted (MLS has drafts?!) this year. I guess you need to be ELITE to drink in Columbus.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Colon Cowturd thinks this is a huge blow to the growing soccer industry, Ide. At least that's what it sounded like. I couldn't quite make out the mumbles that was caused by Lane Kiffin's cock shaft.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy....I didn't know that Twitter and Facebook are the same thing? I use Twitter 95% for following sports writers/sports info. People over 30 use Facebook for looking at baby photos, trying to ignore idiotic political comments from facebook "friends" and apparrently keeping tabs on potential suicides. Big difference.

I feel bad for that soccer player if he was accidentally drugged there and the cops showed him no concern. I hope the autopsy comes back that that's what happened.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I GUARANSHEED that they drugged him because that place is fucking awful and it is what they do best.

I'm on Facebook. I'm not on Twitter. That isn't going to change. Deal with it.

Prime99 said...

Highly debating friending this dude. What's the worst that could happen? He kills himsel?

GMoney said...

Prime, the problem is that while his constant teetering between life and death is entertaining, his love for posting stupid pictures is just awful. You have to take the good with the lot of bad.