|It isn't the worst Judge Smails impression that I've ever seen. But I've seen better.|
Melky admitted right away that he got caught red-handed with having his blood replaced by testosterone. He apologized for it immediately and idiots everywhere chimed in with the very DERP-y, “he’s only saying that because he got caught and I’m handicapped for thinking this way”. Yep, dude got nailed for cheating. Now he has to pay the hefty price. I’m guessing that if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve always liked Melky even when he ballooned up to 600 pounds and played a garbage CF for the Yankees before they shipped him off to ATL for the horrible Javier Vazquez (AGAIN!). I’ve said many times that I don’t care if guy’s take steroids. It’s not a popular opinion but like I give a fuck what other people think. In my opinion, you do what you’ve got to do and you deal with the fallout later. Melky is just trying to get paid and stay in the game.
Giants GM and resident dipshit, Brian Sabean, came forward after all of this broke saying that he was shocked and blind-sided by this development with his All Star OF. By the way, this is the same guy that enabled Barry Bonds for years. Who do you think you’re dealing with here, Sabes? You had to know about this at least a month ago while MLB was confirming the failed test. This shouldn’t have caught you off guard at all. In fact, I know it didn’t since a SOURCE of mine confirmed with another SOURCE inside MLB that the only reason that you traded for Hunter Pence was because you knew that you were about to lose Cabrera! Stop acting like I can’t add or make reasonable deductions, Piss Face! Breaking news, I have it!
Story is over, right? WRONG! This weekend, news broke that Melky and his handlers had bought up a handful of existing health websites after the fact and slapped fake (but real) ads at the top promoting the product that Melky had been taking which caused him to fail his piss test (as they say at Dut’s Glory Hole, “that was a mouthful”.) I guess that this was in hopes that it would gain him some sympathy or something. I’m still not sure what the point of this was. He is still guilty. He is still taking a substance that was a pop-up window on the internet without checking to see if it was credible. Apparently, MLB officials investigating these websites also ordered jars of testosterone from the company (which ended up just being some guy down in the D.R.) and they bought jars themselves! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!!!
Unfortunately, all of the infected sites have been taken down because I am mighty curious as to what a jar of testosterone looks like and costs. This part of the story makes my brain hurt. Even if MLB bought the crock of shit that Melky just got confused by the internet and bought the first product that came up, the only thing that that proves is that Melky isn’t smart enough to surf the internet and should have a babysitter watching him 24 hours a day.
I’ve heard/read people say that Melky committed fraud or whatever but I’m still just as confused as ever. 90% of the ads on the internet are fucking lies anyway so how is this any different. MLB has already come out and said that they have no plans to punish the OF any further so all of this website manipulation seems to be overblown. Melky should just stick to buying drugs off of reputable online outlets such as this fine site. I’ve got a whole bag of vitamins at my office desk if he’s interested. Anyway, if Bud Selig wants to do no more with this case then we should probably drop it, right? You know, LET HIM LIVE! Oh no, Rick Sutcliffe has other ideas and they are glorious(ly retarded).
On Wednesday Night Baseball last week (Rangers/Yankees), the always awful Ricky Sut mouth-farted that the All Star Game result this year should be THROWN OUT because of this failed PED test. Yes, because it was Melky’s shriveled ball bag alone that shut out the American League. It had nothing to do with Justin Verlander being his normal terrible self or anything. But wait—THERE’S MORE! On Michael Kay’s radio show in NYC the other day, Sutcliffe was a guest in what I could only guess was a Make-A-Wish segment. He told Kay (no slouch himself when it comes to terrible broadcasters) that Melky Cabrera SHOULD BE DEPORTED because he “broke the law”. DEPORTED! FOR FAILING A DRUG TEST! And he has not and will not be charged with any crime! Someone tell Obama to hire this guy to work on his foreign policy initiatives immediately! I have hated Rick Sutcliffe for a very long time but it is quite clear to me that he should be locked up in an asylum for the rest of his life. What a fucking lunatic. Maybe he got confused and meant to say “I should have been ABORTED”. That makes much more sense.
My final thoughts on Melky Cabrera are pretty simple. He is fucking stupid. I still think that he’s a good player (but definitely not as ELITE as he was through the first 100 games of this season.) He’ll be back in October or next year (and boy am I rooting for it to be October just for the drama). Some team is going to get a really nice discount on him this winter in free agency. And Rick Sutcliffe is dumber than Les Miles (and he drinks exclusively from the toilet). By the way, did anyone else see that TBS had Michelle Smith in the booth for the Braves/Dodgers game on Sunday? I thought that she was pretty good. She didn’t even try to sell Matt Kemp into slavery like Rick the Prick would do.