Wednesday, August 22, 2012

This Melky Cabrera Story Just Keeps Getting More Amazing

It isn't the worst Judge Smails impression that I've ever seen.  But I've seen better.
Last week, Giants OF and All Star Game MVP Melky Cabrera got popped for failing a drug test and earned a hearty 50 game suspension for it. This is a huge blow for the playoff contenders as the Melk Man was putting up an MVP-caliber season. There is a huge taint bomb on that season, OBVZ, but if you thought that this story was just going to go away and stop being entertaining, boy were you mistaken.

Melky admitted right away that he got caught red-handed with having his blood replaced by testosterone. He apologized for it immediately and idiots everywhere chimed in with the very DERP-y, “he’s only saying that because he got caught and I’m handicapped for thinking this way”. Yep, dude got nailed for cheating. Now he has to pay the hefty price. I’m guessing that if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve always liked Melky even when he ballooned up to 600 pounds and played a garbage CF for the Yankees before they shipped him off to ATL for the horrible Javier Vazquez (AGAIN!). I’ve said many times that I don’t care if guy’s take steroids. It’s not a popular opinion but like I give a fuck what other people think. In my opinion, you do what you’ve got to do and you deal with the fallout later. Melky is just trying to get paid and stay in the game.

Giants GM and resident dipshit, Brian Sabean, came forward after all of this broke saying that he was shocked and blind-sided by this development with his All Star OF. By the way, this is the same guy that enabled Barry Bonds for years. Who do you think you’re dealing with here, Sabes? You had to know about this at least a month ago while MLB was confirming the failed test. This shouldn’t have caught you off guard at all. In fact, I know it didn’t since a SOURCE of mine confirmed with another SOURCE inside MLB that the only reason that you traded for Hunter Pence was because you knew that you were about to lose Cabrera! Stop acting like I can’t add or make reasonable deductions, Piss Face! Breaking news, I have it!

Story is over, right? WRONG! This weekend, news broke that Melky and his handlers had bought up a handful of existing health websites after the fact and slapped fake (but real) ads at the top promoting the product that Melky had been taking which caused him to fail his piss test (as they say at Dut’s Glory Hole, “that was a mouthful”.) I guess that this was in hopes that it would gain him some sympathy or something. I’m still not sure what the point of this was. He is still guilty. He is still taking a substance that was a pop-up window on the internet without checking to see if it was credible. Apparently, MLB officials investigating these websites also ordered jars of testosterone from the company (which ended up just being some guy down in the D.R.) and they bought jars themselves! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!!!

Unfortunately, all of the infected sites have been taken down because I am mighty curious as to what a jar of testosterone looks like and costs. This part of the story makes my brain hurt. Even if MLB bought the crock of shit that Melky just got confused by the internet and bought the first product that came up, the only thing that that proves is that Melky isn’t smart enough to surf the internet and should have a babysitter watching him 24 hours a day.

I’ve heard/read people say that Melky committed fraud or whatever but I’m still just as confused as ever. 90% of the ads on the internet are fucking lies anyway so how is this any different. MLB has already come out and said that they have no plans to punish the OF any further so all of this website manipulation seems to be overblown. Melky should just stick to buying drugs off of reputable online outlets such as this fine site. I’ve got a whole bag of vitamins at my office desk if he’s interested. Anyway, if Bud Selig wants to do no more with this case then we should probably drop it, right? You know, LET HIM LIVE! Oh no, Rick Sutcliffe has other ideas and they are glorious(ly retarded).

On Wednesday Night Baseball last week (Rangers/Yankees), the always awful Ricky Sut mouth-farted that the All Star Game result this year should be THROWN OUT because of this failed PED test. Yes, because it was Melky’s shriveled ball bag alone that shut out the American League. It had nothing to do with Justin Verlander being his normal terrible self or anything. But wait—THERE’S MORE! On Michael Kay’s radio show in NYC the other day, Sutcliffe was a guest in what I could only guess was a Make-A-Wish segment. He told Kay (no slouch himself when it comes to terrible broadcasters) that Melky Cabrera SHOULD BE DEPORTED because he “broke the law”. DEPORTED! FOR FAILING A DRUG TEST! And he has not and will not be charged with any crime! Someone tell Obama to hire this guy to work on his foreign policy initiatives immediately! I have hated Rick Sutcliffe for a very long time but it is quite clear to me that he should be locked up in an asylum for the rest of his life. What a fucking lunatic. Maybe he got confused and meant to say “I should have been ABORTED”. That makes much more sense.

My final thoughts on Melky Cabrera are pretty simple. He is fucking stupid. I still think that he’s a good player (but definitely not as ELITE as he was through the first 100 games of this season.) He’ll be back in October or next year (and boy am I rooting for it to be October just for the drama). Some team is going to get a really nice discount on him this winter in free agency. And Rick Sutcliffe is dumber than Les Miles (and he drinks exclusively from the toilet). By the way, did anyone else see that TBS had Michelle Smith in the booth for the Braves/Dodgers game on Sunday? I thought that she was pretty good. She didn’t even try to sell Matt Kemp into slavery like Rick the Prick would do.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Matt Kemp could till a mean field. Hell, I'd pay top dollar for a workhorse like that if he popped up at an auction.

Ide

MUDawgfan said...

I liked Melky during his brief stint in Atlanta.

I judge everyone on how much fun I think they would be if I had to go to an All Black Strip club with them. And I think Melky would be pretty awesome, plus he'd probably pay for Steak and Shake afterwards and there is nothing wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

They should double his suspension to 100 games. They wasted a lot of time and money figuring out his stupid little operation. There really is no reason not to double it. You know my man Roger Goodell would have hammered him for these types of shenanigans. Selig must not have the power given to him to do so.

All that being said, the deportation comment should get Sutcliffe deported. We don't need that type of stupidity in this country.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

We're talking about the Bri'onte Dunn police video/audio tomorrow, right? Mom of the year.

White Sox > Yankees still.

Agree with Drew, double the suspension. Send a message.

The Iceman said...

I don't give a shit when baseball players take steroids. What competitive advantage are they really getting? In the field? Maybe. If they can laserbeam one to home plate from the warning track or break the catcher's hand into 40 pieces with a fastball I suppose I'll give you that. But not at the plate. You still have to hit a 100 MPH 2-seamer dripping with cheese when you're all cranked up on roid shakes for them to be effective. If you take roids and suck then you're just David Boston.

GMoney said...

I still can't figure out how these fake websites were supposed to apparently clear the Melkster of his juicing crimes. He must give at least half of his salary to the Prince of Nigeria, too.

Dawg, I like the way that you think. All black strip clubs would be terrifying though. What if Pacman showed up? You're walking out of there with a few more holes in you.

I honestly would rather have Tim McCarver be my inner monologue than listen to Rick Sutcliffe call baseball games. He is the worst.

The White Sox can do what they please in this series. We'll just get healthy on the Tribe over the weekend.

Bud doesn't have the power or the ego like Rog does.

Drew, King Felix (after another gem last night) has a 1.50 ERA over his last 13 starts. That is what an actual MVP might do if pitchers were eligible to win that award. Yeah, I'm starting this up again.

Iceman, you're just jealous because Brian Hastings won a World Series of Poker bracelet this year. I'm guessing that he walked away from the table in a huff but came back to a standing slow clap. Then he started battle-rapping no one with his version of 2pac's Hit 'Em Up (quite possibly the best and definitely most graphic song ever).

Mr. Ace said...

Ice, so Bonds hits 73 HR in '01 without roids? Crazy talk.

Anonymous said...

Iceman- that may have been the dumbest comment you've ever made. NO ADVANTAGE FOR HITTERS USING STEROIDS!?!?!? You mean to tell me that all players took steroids to be better fielders!? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Also, I'm sure melky's career season this year had nothing to do with PED's? And I'm sure Sammy Sosa, mark McGuire, and Barry bonds would have all hit record breaking home run numbers without roils? I hope you don't actually believe your last comment. Please take it back before you make yourself to look like a complete tard.

Dut

Jeff said...

LOLZ at Iceman. Steroids turn warning track power fly balls into dingers and soft liners into heat seeking missiles.

"They still have to hit 100 mph cheese"

The reason they are in the bigs in the in the first place is because they can hit 100 mph cheddah. It's all about the competitive advantage brah.

If you aint cheatin' you aint tryin'!

Prime99 said...

Tons of ELITE comments here (for good and bad reasons.)

Good- Ide, Dawg, and Drew (awards for Kemp, black strip club, and doubling baseball suspension, respectively.

Bad- Iceman?! Of course I can't take steroids and be a baseball player that hits 450 foot dongs, but a baseball on roids will hit 450 ft dongs.

"I fucked yo bitch you fat motherfucker!"

Prime99 said...

Also, deport Melky?! No way- he should get an invite to join Augusta National. They'll let anyone in there now.

The Iceman said...

You still have to hit what's coming at you. I stand by my dumb comment.

GMoney said...

That was not Iceman's finest comment. It is that kind of logic and reasoning that allows the government to mandate that he constantly wear a helmet out in public.

Prime99 said...

My friend just posted on FB that Sebastian Janikowski was down at Napa Valley Casino last night betting $5K a hand. I don't know why I find that hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Holy Facepalm Iceman. CAN YOU GUYS IMAGINE HOW MANY MORE DOUBLE PLAYS WOULD BE TURNED IF STEROIDS WERE LEGAL?!?! LOLZ!

Ace...you mean the tape with the crazy lying girl in the car? Brionte's piss was clean..that's all that matters in the court of law son.

G$....Remember when you gave Weaver the Cy Young award back in July? LOLZ! Nice 9ER gem he pitched over the weekend. It's probably three to four years since your REIGNING AL MVP JUSTIN VERLANDER threw such a stink bomb of a game. GREAT CALL!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Way to overreact to one game, dumbass mouth-breather. He still has a better 2012 resume than ya boy does. But not as ELITE as King Fe right now.

Although it's troubling to see Jeff Weaver's little broseph top out at 88-89 mph.

I'm more offended that Sammy Sosa corked his bat than I am that he took enough steroids to fill a Steelers fan's ass.

Prime99 said...

Verlander hasn't had such a game since the All Star game just over one month ago.

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, if you really believe he passed a piss test then I have some robotic pussies on my ocean front property in Idaho I want to sell you. His mom took the wrap. Why would that chick lose her fucking mind if she didn't KNOW he was smoking? Fucking homers. It's weed. I could care less. I just think it's funny.

Sosa can't speak English. How was he supposed to know?

The Iceman said...

Drew Brees
Fred jackson
Doug martin
Dwayne bowe
Hakeem nicks
Mike wallace
Fred davis

That's the majority starting lineup I drafted last night drafting 12th in a 12 man league. Brees was a keeper. Discuss

Anonymous said...

Meh. That team might nab you 7th.

ELITE Agusta reference! I saw that they photoshopped a picture of Condi Rices head on Tigers body in FoxSports as the headlining story. That is solid covert racism by Fair and Balanced.

Ide

GMoney said...

Too many guys named Fred.

Brady said...

"We'll just get healthy on the Tribe over the weekend."

/nods head sadly

ELITE racism off the top by Ide. That set the bar pretty high today.

Why on earth would Cabrera think his little fake website plan would work? I'm sorry but you and your Latin gang of retards aren't going to fool a multi-billion dollar organization with unlimited investigational resources. Even if they somehow pulled it off, what was the end game here? I'm just as confused as G$ on this portion of the story.

Additionally, how is he not in more trouble after the worst plan of all time was uncovered? My head is about to explode just thinking about it.

I would've loved to have been in the room when these guys were hashing this plan out. I imagine there would be lots of six-shooters, salsa and big hats while they messed around with MS Paint (best part of FWPK yesterday) in hopes of coming up with their website logo.

Anonymous said...

He OBVZ passed a piss test Ace. The judge approved it. Chick was freaking out because she wanted to blame it on the black guy and hoped that the cops would save her pretty white ass. I'm sorry that the official piss test was not good enough for you, yet it's good enough for teh court of law.

LOLZ at Weaver having a better resume than the reigning AL MVP.

Verlander has pitched 40 more innings. Verlander is a full 2 pts higher in K/9...has given up less homers than Weaver...Verlander's ERA is 0.21 better than Weaver's even though he's pitched 40 more innings...and he shits on him in strikeouts.

Verlander's resume is TOTES better than Weaver's.....you fucking mouth-breather. GREAT CALL!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Also, the fact that we are even talking about verlander being a cy young winner again when he's not having a great year (for his standards) should tell you something. Eat shit. And die.

I wonder if j-rupe is catching on to the rash of random Facebook friend requests? G$ may have indirectly saved that dudes life.

Drew- stop throwing facts at mr ace regarding Dunn. He can't interpret them with his "Michigan colored glasses." he's too worried about getting a player that will be sentenced for DUI 4 days before the Alabama game eligible.

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Bullshit.

Prime99 said...

Your team looks pretty good besides your weak RBs, WRs, and TE.

GMoney said...

White girl right. Black guy wrong. I didn't go to Police Academy but I did watch the movies and that seems correct to me. That logic will never stop working.

Weaver is better because I said so and I'm much more intelligent than anyone else. Deal with it. The fact that Jered is one of the favorites for the award despite being brothers with Jeff is amazing and CRAY CRAY!

But King Felix is going to win that bitch unanimously anyway so it's kind of pointless to argue who's #2 (clearly Hiroki Kiroda).

GMoney said...

Who was the one that said Michigan-colored glasses? Was it Ace? That might have been the dumbest thing ever written here.

Anonymous said...

"I would rather have Tim McCarver be my inner monologue than listen to Rick Sutcliffe call baseball games"
Best line of the week, hands down.

I would bet the O/U on suicide would be less than 30 minutes in that situation.

Buke

Mr. Ace said...

Fuck no it was not me. It was a Fuckeye who said it, I don't remember who tho.

GMoney said...

JSaul perhaps?

Bartolo Colon gets nailed for PEDs. This case may actually STREMPHEN The Iceman's argument. What is bigger: Bartolo's testicles or his belly button?

Brady said...

Joe Haden just removed from practice for being too "physical" with Travis Benjamin. No wonder we struggle to win 4 fucking games a year.

Anonymous said...

I hope Roger Clemens gets fucking shelled in his dumb independent league start.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

So far this J-Rupe has been very unsuicidal and posts faggy pics. I'm also not too keen on checking facebook later at night so I hope I dont miss it.

While the white girl was right, she was with a black guy. So unless it was a rape situation (call it 60/40 rape) she should've been charfed toi.

Ide

Brady said...

I kind of want to friend this J-Rupe guy now. Do you think he would know the difference if one really random guy friend requested him? I don't want to miss out on the Jim Jones party.

GMoney said...

Grady Sizemore will officially not play for the Indians this year. That was 5 million dollars well spent.

Brady said...

Grady's ladies footed most of the bill so no harm, no foul.