Wednesday, August 01, 2012

The Hunt For Brown October

Sup BRAH!
You all know me as a mild-mannered and eloquent blogger, but my true passion in life has always remained a mystery. I may write on the internet by day, but at night I transform into one of the finest bounty hunters in America (or at least Columbus). I take on all cases: bail jumpers, drug dealers, sexual predators, idiots—nothing is out of bounds for me. I always get my man.

The process is fairly simple. I get a call from my man on the inside AKA The Golden Bear and we meet secretly. He gives me the important details and files that I need, we hit balls at the driving range for a few minutes, and then I’m off to make sure that justice is served. The most recent bounty that I was given had the appearance of a tough one. Some time over the weekend, an illegal alien had smuggled his way into central Ohio via an intricate system of coyotes (those are people that help illegals gain entry into this great nation). No one knew where he was staying or what his intentions exactly were, but The Golden Bear was quite adamant that they were evil. He had to be apprehended. It didn’t say why and I didn’t ask. That is not my job. The file given to me had plenty of details surrounding the perpetrator’s past, but nothing that could help me now. All of his past acquaintances and cohorts lived along Lake Erie. The only thing that I knew was that he was pitching for the Columbus Clippers on Tuesday at 12:05 pm.

Damn. The Businessman’s Special always made things difficult. It’s very hard to step away from the internet during the day so I was going to need some help. I reached out to one of my peers in the hunting industry—American hero Sergeant Slaughter—who was at Huntington Park this past Saturday to see if he was still around and could assist with my mission. He was not. I was on my own with this. I would have to wait to stalk my prey much like Uncle T at a YMCA.

The groundwork was in place. I had a rough outline for how I would go about this. In a few short hours, once the final comments of the day were published, it would be time to pounce. Roberto Hernandez, the former Fausto Carmona and International Man of Mystery and Deceit, was mine.

My search started last night with a trip downtown to Huntington Park. No one was there as the game had ended six hours earlier. I probably should have expected that but a good bounty hunter always starts his chase at the perp’s last known whereabouts. I had a contact not too far away down in nearby German Village but alas Mr. Ace had recently moved. Mrs. Ace had left some underwear in the vacant property so I took a quick sniff and went back out on the streets.

In order to catch Fausto, I had to think like Fausto. If I were a legendary Latino identity thief, where would I go after pitching in a baseball game? All of a sudden, I realized that there was lucha libre wrestling at the State Fair. It seemed like a decent start for this case. I hopped on I-71, drove the 10 minutes north, and after flashing a fake badge that certified me as a Female Body Inspector, I was in the luchadors’ locker room preparing to interrogate the high flyers. I knew that none of them were Fausto because they were all 5’4” and Carmona is a man of many identities, but he isn’t good enough to change heights. After conducting multiple interviews with guys that I couldn’t understand and who could not figure out why I kept calling all of them Rey Mysterio, I left the wrestling show once it became obvious that nobody there could help or had decent information or habla’d ingles.

Since today is my anniversary and I didn’t want to spend the day fighting about how I forgot, I decided to stop off at a local fruit stand to pick up a bushel of something that is an obvious horrible gift but at least is something. Maybe if I bought enough of it, quantity would pass quality and She$ would somehow approve of such a half-assed “present”. The old Mexican that works the joint, Carlos, knows me from prior cases so I just half-heartedly asked if he had seen anyone that day that looked suspicious. He did not reply. He handed me my three bags of berries and shuffled away with a look of concern and fear. This was getting interesting now. Carlos knew something that would help. I could feel it.

BAERGA, GET BACK HERE! I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!

His reply nearly floored me. “Senor, I placed a banana in one of those bags. Look at it closely and you will find your clue, esse. Viva la raza.”

The old Chicano migrant worker was right. Wrapped around the banana was 5 inch long pubic hair. The smell was repugnant; like it hadn’t been washed in a fortnight. The only way to describe the stench was if a Steelers fan gave birth to a skunk out of her ass. After a quick DNA taste test, I knew that it belonged to the man that I was tracking. He had the personal grooming habits that would revolt even the most disgusting person on the planet but it was a start. The once cold trail had finally heated up. I was on the right path. This thief was proving to be as slippery as his back, but he had made a mistake. I was closing in on him now. It wouldn’t be long before he was back where he belonged: south of the Rio Grande.

Time is not on my side though. I am against the clock. I’ve only got 24 hours to find this fugitive and bring him to justice for once Big Brother airs tonight at 8; I’m going to stop caring about this guy. I must apprehend Fausto Carmona. He is a menace to society. The identity thief is likely underground for the night so it is time to head home. I’ll pick up the chase first thing in the morning. I already know my first stop. Where do all illegal aliens go at sunrise?

The front doors of Home Depot…I will get you tomorrow, Fausto Carmona/Roberto Hernandez. Sleep tight, rag arm, because shortly you will be sent back from whence you came.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

shit

Prime99 said...

I don't know what the fuck you just said, little kid... But you touched a brotha's heart.

Silas Redd said...

We're all sticking together.

GMoney said...

I told you that today would be different. I think that Prime is drunk.

Feel free to discuss anything baseball related as well.

Grumpy said...

Happy Anniversary!

The Iceman said...

That could be the strangest piece of literature I've ever read.

Anonymous said...

I loved it. Apprehend this man!

Baseball related. The umps in the Tigers/Red Sox game should be fired today. Rain all game long...then cancel teh game when the Tigers are down 3 with the bases loaded in the 6th. Absolutely ridiculous. I'm sure G$ would never try to play a game in conditions like those.

Also, how is A.J. Burnett so fucking good in Pittsburgh?

Good thing those Indians tried to make an improvement at the deadline. Wait...they didn't do anything.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Iceman, it is a different direction for the site. I'm trying my hand at some non-fiction writing. It's about to get a lot weirder tomorrow. I recommend that everyone call any Mexican that they run into Rey Mysterio though.

Thanks, Grump, I earned it!

If Drew liked it, then that is all I need to hear.

Tigers LOL! Already making excuses for being horrible again.

AJ Burnett is maddening. After another pathetic effort by the Yankees last night, him throwing a no-hitter would have been the worst. I turned on WGN when he went out for the 8th and was fist-pumping when some loser got a hit off of him. GO CUBS GO! But if you want to talk about umpires fucking over people then Burnett got FUCT last night.

Why would the Indians make any moves when they have the perfect roster?

Drew, Joba is back in spite of you laughing at his trampoline skills a few months ago. Dude's throwing 100 mph now. Can't wait for his celebrations again!

Anonymous said...

11-7 - Fuck off.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it's not an excuse when you bitch about a game getting called in the sixth when you ahve the go ahead runner up to bat and have already played through a monsoon. That's REAL TALK brah.

Joba's terrible. I hope he won't be hurt by the time the Tigers knock the Yankees out of the playoffs again.

--Drew

GMoney said...

You keep telling me that the Tigers are going to make the playoffs yet nothing suggests that this is an accurate statement.

Joba is ELITE!

What are you talking about, Seal?

Anonymous said...

The Tigers were in 1st place a week ago and only 2.5 games out as of today. They also play their last 13 games of the regular season against the Twins and Royals (LOLZ). I'd say there is quite more than "nothing" to suggest it's an accurate statement.

I've got no clue on Seal either.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Verlander's record (11-7).

He just lost again.

Seal

GMoney said...

Oh! Great point then! Carry on.

Wow, they were in first place for a whole three days! DYNASTY I TELLS YA!

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed today's writings. My free time is limited in my new role compared to my last job. Ill try my best.

A few notes from my first few days:

1. Corporate America is LAZY
2. People take really long shits
3. There are a lot of hot whores here

Tigers will make the playoffs. Guaransheed. And are the windians fans allowed to talk shit? They're going to finish behind the royals. They're turning into the whiny Michigan fans that could only get satisfaction rooting against Ohio state because their team was so horrible.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Seal...he also just threw another complete game because of the insane umpires that thought a baseball game in a monsoon was a smart idea.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Dut, as someone who used to work at the company that now employs you (but not for them), I can agree that they do employ some hot whores.

The tears of Tigers fans are delicious.

GMoney said...

By the way, we need to find out why Mr. Ace moved into the same neighborhood as Dut. That seems like a huge mistake.

Brady said...

I'm not sure what to say after reading this. Slow clap I guess?

The Iceman said...

"By the way, we need to find out why Mr. Ace moved into the same neighborhood as Dut"

Naked chest bumps.

Anonymous said...

By the way, Brionte Dunn's drug test came back negative. So, yes...the kid was not smoking weed.

Racist Iceman....I still feel pretty damn good about the Brionte Dunn Era and I bet Brady does too! Not his fault his Mommy is a pothead.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I wasn't drunk- I was up somewhat late watching the Special Olympics (starring Michael Phelps) and your change of pace post made me quote Tracy Morgan from "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." It was the first thing that popped into my head and I ran with it.

Thank Jebus the Cubs unloaded Dempster, Soto, and others. They got decent prospects, though I do wish Dempster had gone to the Braves as originally planned.

GMoney said...

Not smoking it; just dealing it then???

I accept your slow clap, Brady, stay tuned for the conclusion tomorrow.

The Cubs should have been no-hit last night. Actually, they should probably be no-hit every night for the rest of the season.

Prime99 said...

"GO CUBS GO!"

-- G$ 8/1/12

Tonya said...

How about those Reds?

GMoney said...

TROLL ALERT:

Tonya, the only thing that I will say about the Reds is that clearly Joey Votto is the least valuable player in the league. Oh, and Broxton will fit nicely into Todd Coffey's old uniform/mumu.

Prime, on my old phone, I had GO CUBS GO as the ringtone whenever Buke called me. Hey Chicago, whaddaya say, Cubs are gonna win today! ALthough probably not.

GMoney said...

And in case you were wondering, Fausto/Roberto was fucking awful in his first start with the Clippers yesterday.

Tonya said...

Wow G$ and to think I used to be your favorite... Not so much anymore?

Brady said...

"I bet Brady does too!"

I concur. I'm ready for some football. The Tribe's season has went to hell. I now spend my days on 11W and reading Browns training camp reports.

Anonymous said...

G$...I asked a couple Mexicans at Kroger this afternoon if they have seen Carmona. They looked at each other and then walked right past me. Something big might be going down! I sure hope you get him.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Thanks for the tip!