Last year, QB Casey Pachall set a school record for most passing yards in a season with 2921. LOL! That’s terrible. But anyway, that record is his. On February 15th of this year, Pachall’s roommate and three other football players were arrested for some sort of massive drug ring in and around campus. Those four players told police that a whopping 82 football players had failed drug tests for the Horned Frogs. This turned out to be a lie and quite possibly the biggest dickhead move of all time though. Recently, for whatever reason, the aforementioned Pachall admitted to a cop that he has failed a drug test and sampled himself some marijuana, ecstasy, and cocaine.
Don’t worry, Pachall is TOTES believable when he said that it was just a one time thing and he hasn’t tried either since that initial experience. FUCK YOU, YOU LIAR! First of all, why are you admitting this to the cops? Unless they have you in interrogation or something, you don’t have to incriminate yourself (I think that this is true). I like to think that it went down like this (because football players are idiots):
Pachall gets pulled over for doing 45 in a 35.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going, son? License and registration.
Pachall: I did cocaine and X once but I didn’t like it and I promise I’ll never do it again and I know Andy Dalton and he has red hair!!!
For some strange and bizarre reason, The Iceman fell in love with this kid last year. It made no sense. Here are his words and you will see that no one has ever loved a more irrelevant quarterback more than the Iceman loves Pachall (from his FIRST post as a member of the staff!):
I don't know why, but I really like this guy. He's got tats, looks like he's trying for white guy surfer hair and he doesn't catch on fire and blow up like a vampire hitting the sun unlike his albino predecessor Ginger Dalton. I bet he calls his dick "The Horned Frog" when trying to get laid at house parties. He just comes off as a super cool dude I would want to get drunk with. I fully believe he encourages tomfoolery and fucks with people that pass out early like bitches. And that's mainly why I like him. Oh yeah...and he's not a bad quarterback either.
Per that description, Pachall seems like a real asshole of a BRAH (and he’s got the arm ink to prove it). Of course those two would get along. I bet you’re wondering what Gary Patterson did to his admitted drug user of a QB and team leader? He probably suspended him for a few weeks or benched him or took away his scholarship, right? Nope, other than the always grueling “counseling sessions”, Casey Pachall was given a free pass for failing a drug test and taking hard drugs. What a great lesson that this fat dipshit with the big fucking visor is teaching everyone. If you can throw, you can snort blow.
The point today is that while it’s always fun to snipe back and forth regarding the numerous arrests of football players in Columbus and Ann Arbor, this stuff happens elsewhere, too (and many times way worse). Urban and The Hokester may not be able to completely eliminate dumb kids from being dumb, but at least they attack the problems head on instead of going all Officer Barbrady with a “move along; nothing to see here” attitude. One thing is certain: TCU can eat shit. This guy should have been kicked off the team and out of school. Weed is one thing—coke is obviously a different beast altogether. I hope that they lose every game this year behind their Tony Montana of a gash of a quarterback. That is if I can ever figure out who they’re playing.