Thursday, August 09, 2012

The #1 Rule At TCU: There Are No Rules At TCU

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!
Does anyone actually know which conference TCU is playing in this fall? I’ve been staring at my computer screen for ten minutes and I can’t figure it out. They were in the Mountain West and aren’t anymore. I know that. At one point, they signed on to jump to the Big East but that may have just been a psyche out. I thought that they decided to go to the Big 12 next but that could have just been a ploy to get into the English Premier League or something. What I’m trying to say here is that I have no fucking clue where Gary Patterson’s team is playing this year (and I’ll be damned if I look it up). What I do know is that TCU is already playing hard ball with the big boys as evidenced by their ridiculous drug problems.

Last year, QB Casey Pachall set a school record for most passing yards in a season with 2921. LOL! That’s terrible. But anyway, that record is his. On February 15th of this year, Pachall’s roommate and three other football players were arrested for some sort of massive drug ring in and around campus. Those four players told police that a whopping 82 football players had failed drug tests for the Horned Frogs. This turned out to be a lie and quite possibly the biggest dickhead move of all time though. Recently, for whatever reason, the aforementioned Pachall admitted to a cop that he has failed a drug test and sampled himself some marijuana, ecstasy, and cocaine.

Don’t worry, Pachall is TOTES believable when he said that it was just a one time thing and he hasn’t tried either since that initial experience. FUCK YOU, YOU LIAR! First of all, why are you admitting this to the cops? Unless they have you in interrogation or something, you don’t have to incriminate yourself (I think that this is true). I like to think that it went down like this (because football players are idiots):

Pachall gets pulled over for doing 45 in a 35.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going, son? License and registration.
Pachall: I did cocaine and X once but I didn’t like it and I promise I’ll never do it again and I know Andy Dalton and he has red hair!!!

For some strange and bizarre reason, The Iceman fell in love with this kid last year. It made no sense. Here are his words and you will see that no one has ever loved a more irrelevant quarterback more than the Iceman loves Pachall (from his FIRST post as a member of the staff!):

I don't know why, but I really like this guy. He's got tats, looks like he's trying for white guy surfer hair and he doesn't catch on fire and blow up like a vampire hitting the sun unlike his albino predecessor Ginger Dalton. I bet he calls his dick "The Horned Frog" when trying to get laid at house parties. He just comes off as a super cool dude I would want to get drunk with. I fully believe he encourages tomfoolery and fucks with people that pass out early like bitches. And that's mainly why I like him. Oh yeah...and he's not a bad quarterback either.

Per that description, Pachall seems like a real asshole of a BRAH (and he’s got the arm ink to prove it). Of course those two would get along. I bet you’re wondering what Gary Patterson did to his admitted drug user of a QB and team leader? He probably suspended him for a few weeks or benched him or took away his scholarship, right? Nope, other than the always grueling “counseling sessions”, Casey Pachall was given a free pass for failing a drug test and taking hard drugs. What a great lesson that this fat dipshit with the big fucking visor is teaching everyone. If you can throw, you can snort blow.

The point today is that while it’s always fun to snipe back and forth regarding the numerous arrests of football players in Columbus and Ann Arbor, this stuff happens elsewhere, too (and many times way worse). Urban and The Hokester may not be able to completely eliminate dumb kids from being dumb, but at least they attack the problems head on instead of going all Officer Barbrady with a “move along; nothing to see here” attitude. One thing is certain: TCU can eat shit. This guy should have been kicked off the team and out of school. Weed is one thing—coke is obviously a different beast altogether. I hope that they lose every game this year behind their Tony Montana of a gash of a quarterback. That is if I can ever figure out who they’re playing.

41 comments:

Grumpy said...

I can't help you with the league; I think it was the Big East for 15 minutes. I was trying to envision the women's golf team busing to UConn. Then I couldn't remember if they were still in the Big East either.

QB's with cool tats get a pass on a little youthful experimentation with drugs.

I have decided Iceman is always right. WWID. What Would Iceman Do?

GMoney said...

WWID might be the worst way that anyone could ever live.

Anonymous said...

If I saw a WWID bracelet I would immediately set it on fire.....while it was on that person's wrist.

TCU bores the hell out of me.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Well I officially hate Grumpy more than Iceman... WWID? Come on douche.

Seal

GMoney said...

So we're all in agreement that we don't know what conference TCU is in?

They bore you? They've been to the Rose Bowl more recently than your trash team! BOOM!

The Iceman said...

I'm starting the production of those bracelets TODAY. That is the ELITE of ELITE ideas.

I stick by my claim of liking Pachall. Don't you remember the picture I posted with him wearing the raper Rey Mysterio mask? How can you hate a guy like that? OBVZ the dude can party and I was simply stating he seems like an excellent dude to party with. I don't think I'm wrong here. I mean, he calls his dick The Horned Frog for Christ sake.

TCU plays in the Big 12, question mark???

Prime99 said...

Garrett Reid would've loved to be the assistant STEMPH coach at TCU.

GMoney said...

Garrett would be more qualified to be the assistant HEMPH coach.

Clark Kellogg is going to be pissed that you misspelled STREMPH.

MuDawgfan said...

I didn't even think TCU was that big of a party school. It's located in Ft. Worth about two miles from that fancy golf course where they play The Colonial.

I know Texas is obsessed with their football stars, I learned that from watching Matt Saracen, Smash Williams and Tim Riggins.

West Virginia is in the BIG 12 these days. Hows that for LULZ?

The Iceman said...

And don't even THINK about looking at Mark Jackson. He's disgusted with you, Prime.

The Iceman said...

Having been to Forth WORPH quite a few times in my life, Dawg...I can say that they party pretty damn hard there. Colleges and community. It's the only way they can forget how many mexicans live there.

Prime99 said...

Clark Kellogg can go whistle through his TEEPH some more.

Paraplegics are assholes around here but don't spell a slang word wrong on your phone! That's big time trouble!

GMoney said...

"TEXAS FOREVER"--Tim Riggins although Billy Riggins was the best character on that show simply because he played golf on the Hooters Tour.

Show your phone who is boss and make it learn our slang.

WV is in the Big 12. Actually, let's do this: if you know where colleges are playing this year (that is new), list it in the comments. Is Boise in the Big East yet? Syracuse and Pitt aren't ACC bound yet are they? I want answers! I WANT THE TROOF!

Grumpy said...

Temple to the Big East...again. Nobody cares.

Brady said...

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure what conference they are in either. That was some stellar blogging, G$. Nobody ever pays attention when shit goes down in other places. I only barely remember the problems at TCU. Did they even get in any trouble? Im sure whatever happened was much more serious than tattoos nd went unpunished. fucking NCAA is retarded.

Brady said...

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure what conference they are in either. That was some stellar blogging, G$. Nobody ever pays attention when shit goes down in other places. I only barely remember the problems at TCU. Did they even get in any trouble? Im sure whatever happened was much more serious than tattoos nd went unpunished. fucking NCAA is retarded.

Brady said...

Elite double comment. I'm posting this from the hospital and cant figure out how to delete the second one from my phone. whatevs. Enjoy.

The Iceman said...

ELITE double comment by Brady. he probably couldn't see the first comment registered because his vision was cloudy from all the tears he's still producing over the tattoo scandal and they way it was handled. GET OVER IT DUDE!

GMoney said...

Hospital? Are you coming to terms with your inner woman and finally having your balls removed?

"What conference is TCU in" is more of a mystery than crop circles and Area 51 combined.

Prime99 said...

Typos lead to ELITE references and even iconic nicknames (see: Tim Tenor.) Never forget.

Brady said...

Unfortunately my father in law is not doing so hot these days. its my day off so i decided to take a shift while he is in Hospice. The only thing helping me ignore ole person smell is my phone. thank you internet.

I am exploring my inner woman as well. I wonder if insurance covers ball removal.

I will never get over the injustice the Buckeyes were shown over the offseason.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure Boise is in the Big East starting this year. But, yeah, this reallignment shit is confusing as hell.

Since G$ called me out for the pukefest on Friday night. I will call him out now. Dut, Ace and myself are planning on attending a Clippers game on Satuday night as part of a mini Money Shot/speed pitch outing. I invited G$ but he doesn't know if he can "swing it" because he is already playing golf during the day. I don't think you should be calling Brady out for getting his testicles removed.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

WWID. Grump that is great. I would of course buy 50.

Ide

GMoney said...

I never said that I was OUT. Unfortunately, I can't just tell my wife what the fuck is going to happen. I wish that I could but that would not go over well at all. Did you get those free tickets from Travis (Prentice)?

I'll TEXT IT tonight.

Anonymous said...

"I can't just tell my eife what the fuck is going to happen."

Yes the fuck you can. I see you're sitting next to Brady on the operating table.

Ide

Immature 7th Grader said...

I don't know if that is the smell of G$'s vagina or if it's the smell of Thursday Sloppy Joe Day in the our cafeteria! Gonna go masterbate to the thought of Selena Gomez while I've got a few minutes left to kill during lunch.

Anonymous said...

I have a text out Travis. Haven't heard back. Dut claims that he can get half off tickets. I guess we'll see who has more pull in this town.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Ide is going to get divorced more times than Dut has seen Magic Mike.

Anonymous said...

Damman- one of my fantasy football leagues might be having a lottery party on Saturday. I'm not 100% sure yet. I can still get you the 50% off tix if you tell me how many you want. It will probably save you about 50 cents!

Speaking of reduced tickets, apparently free Cbj tickets float around here on the reg. You folks need to start showing me some respect around here if you want to be considered!!

I had a dream about the dfl draft last night. I couldn't make it to my own house for some reason and you guys gave me megatron for $137. Good work!

Dut

Anonymous said...

IDE is going to get divorced 10 times? Better get that prenup!

Dut

Anonymous said...

I'd only get married 10 times in consecutive years so G$ can get me 10 copies of NFL Fantasy Football magazines.

Ide

Anonymous said...

"I have no fucking clue where Gary Patterson's team is playing this year (and I'll be damned if I look it up)". This is the top notch research that keeps me coming back to this site everyday. Well done G$.

Buke

GMoney said...

Megatron would fit into the Studs and Scrubs motif that you have crafted in your organization. I like how even in your dreams you are a terrible fantasy owner.

GMoney said...

We're at 34 comments and still no one knows where TCU calls home!!! ELITE people here!

Anonymous said...

TCU is part of the Big 12 ya dumb nig nogs.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I just programmed in Tim Tenor, STREMPH, and ELITE as shortcut autocorrects in my phone!

Anonymous said...

Dut...I'll be impressed if you can get free passes to the Private Dancer at work. Until then, you do not impress me.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

The person who gets that phone after you is gonna think they scored Mark Jackson's last phone. Nice work, Prime.

Mr. Ace said...

How about we actually organize I Money Shot gathering instead of this last minute shit...where it is me and Damman throwing our arms out and and making Major League references. As I look at there schedule, August 24th is a Friday and the Clips play the Mud Hens @7:05 PM. Why not?

GMoney said...

I'll be back in Nap for a draft the following morning.

Mr. Ace said...

U R GAY