Monday, August 13, 2012

Leaf Penalties, Headbutts, and ELITE Celebrations!

Last week, I mentioned my feelings about how amputees should not be competing in The Olympics.  I stand by that but, once again, this blog crept into my real life unexpectedly.  I was walking the dog Friday night after work and some shirtless chap was running toward us.  As he got closer, it became very apparent that he was missing something.  Yep, no arm--just a nub.  I figured that the word was out and amputees were declaring war against ol' G$.  But he smiled and said hello and did not try to murder me with his stump.  So take that.  Amputees and I are cool with each other after all.  Anyway, there were three fairly big stories from the weekend that I wanted to cover today.
Why the fuck would you want The Wanemacher Trophy, Rory?
*The PGA Championship.  It's not over yet but I'm just going to assume that Rory McIlroy won't choke away a six shot lead.  In reality, I just want to see Shane-O-Mac celebrate with Pube Head again after winning a tournament.  I'm not one of those knobs who will rhetorically ask if Tiger is back because it's stupid since he is playing just fine.  He's been in the mix in all of the majors this year at some point even though his play on Saturday/Sunday has been quite awful.  It's weird to see that.  He'll figure it out though.  I'm not too worried about old Perkins Dick.  What I do want to bitch about is the garbage "gentleman" rules of the game of golf.  Carl Pettersson is a big fat ass who admitted that he is a much better player when is chunky so maintains his whale status.  He was in the final group on Sunday with Rory and some other asshole.  During the first hole, Carl's backswing kicked up a dead leaf that landed on his ball before he hit it.  He was penalized two strokes for this.  TWO STROKES for a LEAF landing on his ball before impact.  For as much fun as it is to play a round with your boyzzzzz and beerzzzzz, the actual rules of the sport are absolutely fucktarded.  I don't know if Pettersson would have won the tournament yesterday but I do know that that stupid penalty killed him.  He should have had Vince McMahon be his caddy to neutralize Shane in Rory's corner.  Everything in life should have some aspect of the WWE involved.
LOLZ!
*Chad Johnson is a wonderful husband.  Uh oh, word broke on Saturday night that the former Ocho was arrested for some misdemeanor domestic violence after head-butting his wife, Evelyn, in their car.  Apparently, they were arguing over a receipt for condoms which is a very Chad Johnson thing to argue about.  After watching the premiere of Hard Knocks last week, Chad seemed very likable again after his no-show season last year.  I was ready to hop back on his bandwagon.  Now he's treating his wife like a pro wrestling opponent.  Little does he know that the head butt rarely leads to a pin.  A powerbomb is a much more effective move.  Miami should probably cut him now but they are a horribly run franchise and I assume that they will do nothing.  Either way, this week's Hard Knocks is going to be amazing.  If Joe Philbin (who looks eerily like former Toledo area sportscaster, Jim Tichy) doesn't like Chad cursing so much, he sure as shit isn't going to like him pummeling his missus with his bald dome.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!
*The US men's basketball team won gold again.  I'm not going to lie that I was rooting against my country.  I don't care where they were born; I'm not going to root for Lebron, Kobe, and Coach K ever.  I watched all of the gold medal game.  Spain's coach has to be the dumbest for leaving Marc Gasol in the game after he picked up his third foul with 6 minutes left in the 2nd quarter only to see him pick up #4 a few possessions later and thus eliminating the only STREMPH that Spain had over the Americans.  The European Mexicans fought hard behind the ELITE three point shooting of Juan-Carlos "Brown Jesus Christ" Navarro but didn't have enough as everyone expected.  Any doubts that I had about rooting against my own country were squashed once Coach K celebrated by jumping up and down like a goddamn lunatic as if he had a hard job or something.  I hate Coach K.  This game would have been so much better if Coach Areola on the other bench knew that his best player was in foul trouble.  Or that Serge Ibaka is a world class player and not someone to be buried on the bench.  I hope that that guys gets gored by bulls.

I don't know how to end this post today without just putting a never-ending string of Coach K jump around gif's.  I might as well just mention that on the signature par 3 18th at Minerva Lake on Saturday, I put my tee shot within 6-8 feet of an ace (possibly the best tee shot of my life).  Somehow I made the birdie putt as well.  Considering that I was playing like shit, it was nice to end well.  Minerva is such a piece of shit but I love it so.  I'll finish things up with the brief conversation that I had with -Rex after he gave me a beer on the front nine.

G$: I was going to bring some beer, too, but I, uh...didn't.
-Rex: That should be Monday's post.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

*Rory was ELITE yesterday. I absolutely loved that course as well. Very enjoyable tourney. Tiger ain't catching Jack.

*Chad got cut last night. I think he just went in for an aggressive motorboat on his wife's big titties and came in high.

*I woke up and had beers for that Gold Medal game. Kobe was driving me crazy in the 2nd half. But, LeBron, Durant and CP3 came through. Fuck those Spainards. This Amurrrrica where we run things in basketball.

Rudy Fernandez is a giant cunt.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I was disappointed to not see Shane McMahon congratulating Rors as he came off the 18th green. He must be preparing for Summerslam.

I thought that K-Love was an animal yesterday. My wife asked me "who's that white guy"? ELITE!

Anonymous said...

It wasnt a pentaly for a leaf hitting his ball - it was two strokes for moving a lose impediment in a hazard.

Im not sure how anyone could root for that Spain team... Drew is right, Rudy Fernandez is a giant pussy. Every guy on that team looks like the bad guy is every terrible action movie (Ex. Johnny Tapia, Bad Boys II).

Seal

Grumpy said...

My wife said "Is there only one white guy?"

I asked myself if the biggest dickhead I know had USA on his chest, would I still root for him. Yes, if Iceman had USA on his jersey, I would want him to win.

GMoney said...

Iceman > Coach K...I just can't root for that guy.

Whatever the dumb rule is, Seal, it's still dumb and Tubbo shouldn't have been penalized for it. 2 strokes for a goddamn dead leaf???

Anonymous said...

completely agree - it was just as bad as the Dustin Johnson penalty last year. Especially when he went birdie, birdie after that hole and without that penalty would have only been one shot off the lead. Would have put a little more pressure on pube head and made for a more exciting finish.

Seal

GMoney said...

Also, how about Landry Clarke going all kid killer on Breaking Bad last night? ELITE! That was an awesome train robbery.

Anonymous said...

Iceman....I woke up this morning and noticed that bedroom smelled of stale dry farts. I would imagine this is what your bedroom normally smells like?

How awesome was the end of that Argentina/Russia game for the Bronze? Ginobli and Scola are insufferable faggots. I was LOLZ-ing all over the place after Ginobli's flop didn't get called and they lost.

--Drew

GMoney said...

So Ocho is done playing now, right? He almost has to be. By the way, Peter King was his normal atrocious self this morning.

The Iceman said...

Rooting against your country in the Olympics is such a stupid thing to do. I don't care how much you hate Lebron, Kobe, etc. They have enough likeable guys on that team where you should want those guys to have gold more than you don't want the people you hate to not have gold. And all the guys you hate already have a gold medal anyway so why make yourself look like a commie bastard?

Guys like Rudy Fernandez are a fucking disgrace to basketball. Or life in general. He didn't resign with the Nuggets so he could go back and play Euro-ball. You know...because he's too shitty to hack it in the NBA and needed to go back to being the best player in a league with inferior talent. Something bitch ass faggots do.

Kevin Love might be my most favorite player in the NBA. I want to collect his basketball cards, I think.

My GF has more candles than a gay hairstylist in the bedroom, Drew. So it normally smells like like cinnamon apples or fresh linen. Or soiled fresh linen after I let out a couple thunderous heaters. My farts are ELITE.

That means that Brian Hartline goes back to being the #1 target for the Dolphins. At least someone will suck more than the Browns this year.

Prime99 said...

As entertaining as Ochocinco was in Hard Knocks last week, you could tell that he was not going to get along with the Fins or his wife. Impressive that Bill Belichik made him disappear for a year.

I watched none of the gold medal game. I'm proud to be an American...

Odds that Iceman's farts overpower 95% of all scented candles: 6:5

GMoney said...

For some strange reason, I really like Gasol Hermanos so they got my support (Marc is a beast and I feel bad for Pau since he is always the whipping boy for Rapist). Rooting against Frank Viola's diving daughter is communist shit. Rooting against multi-millionaires playing just to avoid being embarrassed again is not. There is a difference. Most of those guys already won a gold medal so fuck them. And you know, watching Coach K wildly celebrate like he just won the 100 meter drool hurdles at the Special Olympics should not be seen again.

I don't blame ESPANA for flopping. What were they supposed to do? Play them straight up and beat them with athleticism? Of course not, trying to get into their heads was the only way to go. What else did you expect from the European Mexicans.

I have no regrets. The American team was very unlikable. I will forever hold a grudge against Durant, Westbrook, and Harden now because I am one sexy and vindictive sumbitch.

GMoney said...

Another thing: just look at Coach K's minions. Nate McMillan is fine, I guess, but Jim Boeheim and Mike D'Antoni are faggots. Good job rooting for those faggots.

Brady said...

-How does Rory pull the kind of tennis tail that he does? I get that he has money and fame but the dude looks like he is one lucky charm short of being leprechaun. Seriously, the guy is hideous.

-LOL Chad Johnson. Just go away now.

-I'm proud to say I didn't watch one second of the gold medal game. I watched "Air Jaws" repeats on the Discovery channel instead. In fact, I haven't turned on the Olympics once since that trippy opening ceremony. I just can't get into it. I check the metal count each day and that is enough for me.

Anonymous said...

Barney Gumble says "Go back to Russia"

The Iceman said...

How is that team unlikeable? No Wade, no Howard...Kobe and Lebron are the only two legit hateable people on that roster. I really don't understand you today.

GMoney said...

AND COACH K!!!

I don't like Carmelo or Deron's chinstrap and I'm holding onto a grudge against all the Thunder guys.

I don't need to explain my hate to anyone though because h8 is gr8. Maybe you and Drew should start rooting for Duke now since you clearly want to dine on their coach's feces.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should just get the fuck out of this country, you fucking Communist.

I'm happy that Iceman and myself could enjoy teh greatness that is American basketball yesterday.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Denard says he can beat Usian Bolt in a 40! Maybe drinking a 40, but not in a race. Jesus, some football players are dumb.

The Iceman said...

Drew, we are clearly ELITE when it comes to enjoying great basketball. I guess we can just leave G$ to what he does best...cheering on the Chinese synchronized men's diving team.

Denard couldn't beat Bolt in a 40 because he isn't into doping like Usain is. Is there any American that is still enamored with Bolt and his fucking clown act?

Mr. Ace said...

BOLT is fucking awesome. Yes, still enamored. But I'm not a nationalist homer dolt. Nationalism is dumb. Bolt is awesome.

I didn't root against the US, but I thought it would be hilarious after all the Dream Team talk.

Remember when Chad Johnson was awesome and was universally loved? He has totally trashed his career.

Who wants to go golfing before the DFL draft? Daniel and I will be, who wants to join?

GMoney said...

Where are you thinking, Ace? I have no faith in Dut to actually make that happen since he put someone else's league draft ahead of his own.

Play 9 at 9 am or something?

Bolt is pretty fucking amazing. His swagger is ELITE.

Calling me a Communist because I rooted for the basketball team from a non-Communist country? Hello, Joe The Plumber!!!

Rooting for the American men's team is like rooting for the Patriots to go 19-0 that one year. No one likes heavy favorites even if it means YAY AMERICA or Fuck Mercury Morris.

Anonymous said...

Ace-

I'm down for golf on Saturday assuming it's the back 8 early bird special at Minerva. No bunkers!

-Rex

Mr. Ace said...

I didn't have any place specifically in mind, but 9 at 9 sounds about right...or 8 at 9. My golf course knowledge of Columbus is limited. But anywhere that Dut doesn't recommend sounds great.

GMoney said...

Minerva is sort of a massive haul for me so I would prefer to not go that far NORF. I sucked it up this weekend, but let's look somewhere closer (Raymond?) of Ace ant Dut's neighborhood of crushed anii.

Fuck it, just book Muirfield. Jack will let us on.

Anonymous said...

Anii is a fun word. I'll play anywhere.

-Rex

Mr. Ace said...

Did Dut just sabotage my golf idea and nominate Minerva via email? Somebody needs to murder him.

Anonymous said...

I can try to get us on at Raymond instead if you prefer that. The courses are pretty similar in quality.

Dut

GMoney said...

I would prefer Raymond actually. I am the champion and already 6-7 of these HUGE FAGS in the league aren't going to show up and suck my dick for being the reigning king of the league. Where was I? Oh yeah, I'm going to try to remember to bring the fleshlight trophy.