Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Happy Belated Birthday, Tim Tebow!!!

Incomplete.
I can’t believe that I’m going to say this, but Brady is right. He must have gained some common sense from watching Derek Lowe throw 4 ELITE innings against the Rangers on Monday night! His point was that this is mid-August and we should not be talking about bouncy ball. We should be talking footbawwwwww!!! I tend to agree so I am going to indulge him. But, at this site, no thirst can be quenched without trolling hard.

In case you missed yesterday’s round the clock coverage of the always irrelevant New York Jets, yesterday was Tim Tebow’s 25th birthday! Oh, the joy on Sal Paolantonio’s dipshit face could hardly be contained! He wasn’t even holding a microphone for his 21st straight day of LIVE coverage from Jets camp. Nope, that mic was being held up with his throbbing old man boner and dried spit. ‘Twas a wonderful day for America, indeed, to celebrate the birth anniversary of our favorite son!

For a man born in The Philippines, he sure has made something out of his existence. Timmy Tens stormed onto the pop culture scene by defeating the always awesome RUSH PROPST during MTV’s short-lived but ELITE reality series about high school football in Alabama, Two-A-Days. Then he took his unbroken hymen to Gainesville where he morphed into a title winning, Heisman owning, and pussy avoiding football factory of greatness. For some reason, there was a Super Bowl ad against abortion randomly stuffed into this timeline, too. I’m not quite sure how that got in here though. We all had a good chuckle when the really stupid Josh McDaniels traded back up into the first round of the draft and made Big Time Timmy Tens the “question mark” of the Broncos future.

McDaniels got fired because he was a disaster. John Elway bought the team with all the money he saved up from selling hydroponics (always one of my favorite rumors). John Fox came in with his wild gum chewing. The Kyle Orton Express chugged away numerous bottle of Jack and thus got benched. Tenor was unleashed on the world. #15 played some of the worst QB that you will ever see but it never seemed to matter. He always made plays when it counted. It all culminated on that lovely January Sunday evening when he absolutely shredded that vaunted Steelers defense (as I promised he would for weeks) and gave us the greatest football game of the 2011-12 season. And when that Thomas guy reached the end zone, Grumpy’s wallet got a lot thinner and our guts got a lot larger (except for Brady of course). Tenor was the man! Tenor sent the Steelers home! WE ALL LOVED TENOR! He was the “Kate Upton’s tits” of human beings!

Who cares if he has never had a drink or a gash or swore? Who cares that the Patriots fucking destroyed him the following week? Who cares that he has the accuracy of David Hasselhoff trying to eat a cheeseburger off the floor? He was OUR guy!

But then John Elway and his stupid horse teeth ruined all of that by signing old NeckAIDS and sending Teebs off to the bad New York team. Would Tim be able to handle the spotlight of NYC? How soon before he replaces Mark Sanchez? Would the already insufferable media surrounding him make this hero a villain? I think that we know the answer to that last one. Which is why today, on August 15th, I can officially come out and scream…

FUCK TIM TEBOW! Fuck you hard. I hope that you fail at everything and fail miserably. YOU SUCK YOUR OWN DICK. I am sick and fucking tired of your hourly updates. I am sick and fucking tired of your punt team breakdowns. I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing about this secret wildcat offense than Tony Sparano’s moronic ass has designed just for you that isn’t going to work. GO AWAY. GO AWAY NOW.

I used to think that it wasn’t your fault that people wanted a piece of you but I don’t feel that way anymore. You are a prima donna just like everyone else in the league. It all changed for me when you decided to go running out in the rain during camp without a shirt on. You know, just like everyone else. What the fuck was the point of that? It was pouring outside. I’m quite sure that there are treadmills in your weight room. You knew damn well that that parking lot was crawling with cameras. No, you did that to promote yourself and, to me, that will forever destroy your wholesome image. Now I want to see Sanchez slip a roofie in your muscle milk and then have one of his 15 year old girlfriends take your virginity. I WANT THIS ALL TO END. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. KILL SAL!

But I am not made of steel, Tim Tenor.  My opinions tend to fluctuate.  I can go from love to hate at the drop of Tony Romo's stupid backwards Starter hat.  I noticed that your new team is playing in Pittsburgh on week two this year.  If you win that game AND play a significant role in doing so, I will be back on Team Tenor in no time.  But if not, I will see to it that Holly Mangold has a six hour weightlifting session and then queefs directly into your mouth.  I am not messing around.  This is the only way to get back into my good graces.

The football season is less than a month away and the only thing the people want to talk about is the back-up quarterback on a 6 win team. That’s fucked up. RibFest was a great time and all, but it isn’t something that I want to talk about everyday for the rest of my life. Happy birthday, Tenor, now go act like you can play quarterback again like a good boy.

28 comments:

Prime99 said...

That was an extremely ELITE post, G$! Tim Tenor will feel backlash of more than just this blog if ESPN doesn't stop slurping his fromunda cheese.

The ESPN birthday party for TT where he wasn't actually present is a valley in the long tradition of low points for the Mothership.

The Iceman said...

Yeah. Good thing we all hated a basketball post yesterday that discussed something sports center doesn't talk about EVERY TWO FUCKING SECONDS! Are you serious? A fuckin Tim Tenor post? And I get assaulted for writing about a huge NBA trade and what it does for the makeup of the western conference. Makes perfect sense, dickbags. And what the fuck is Prime doing up so God damn early?!

GMoney said...

You ingrate! You still have the blood/BBQ sauce under your finger nails! You show some respect for what he has done and then despise the man for what he has become.

Did you know that Tenor was coming to Pittsburgh in week 2 to skullfuck James Harrison one more time? No you did not. I lead the league in breaking news.

Prime comments early because (as Cowherd always says) successful people never sleep!!!

Grumpy said...

Serious question...if he's the athlete they say he is and he can't throw worth a shit, why don't they make him into a fullback or tight end? He has the size to be either.

Mr. Ace said...

Blasphemy. Just turrrble.

Tenor is the way, the truth, and the light. We can't possibly turn our back on someone who has done something so great for us.

Anonymous said...

"WE ALL LOVED TENOR!".....Speak for yourself douchenozzle. I never ever liked Tebow...I never called him by the gay ass nickname you guys gave him...and I went on record saying that I would sacrifice my potential free ribs by rooting for the Steelers to beat that faggot. WELCOME TO MY SIDE MOTHERFUCKER!

FUCK TEBOW.

--Drew

GMoney said...

But you still ate His ribs, you hypocrite. I guess your convictions aren't as strong as you think. Next thing you know you will be rooting for Michigan in their bowl game because you are a chach.

Grumpy, my answer to that is simply Tenor has never blocked anyone in his life and now they are going to ask him to go after Brian Urlacher and the best linebackers in the world? That makes no sense (even for the Jets). He's sort of shoe-horned into being only a QB/punt team signal caller.

I can't remember a worse team getting THIS MUCH publicity during training camp. Does anyone think that the Jets are going to be worth a shit this season? 60% of their OL is average, awful receivers, awful running backs, below average quarterbacks, and Nick Folk...how do they score more than 17 ppg???

GMoney said...

Iceman is just jealous because I beat him to the "Holly Mangold queef" line. I am an innovator of disgusting stuff.

The Iceman said...

Tenor converting to a TE or fullback is coming. Just wait. Eventually the day will come when NFL teams realize that's all he is. Plus Tenor's such a "team guy" he would probably do it without being a little bitch about it. If Sexy Rexy was smart he would tell Tenor God wants him to be an H-Back. You don't think he would convert in a second? But seriously...no more Tim Tens. I am forever appreciative for the free ribs. But no more God damn Timothy Tens, please.

The Iceman said...

/nods in agreement. I am pretty jealous. That was an awesome line.

Anonymous said...

I ate the ribs, because Grumpy said that I would get ribs either way. That is ELITE. I beleive he actually said that due to me rooting against Tebow he would drive up and take me for ribs if the Steelers won and nobody else would get them.

So, you still rooted for Tebow...I didn't and got ribs regardless. SUCK MA DICK!

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I was up late and decided to see if the post was up. Remember, that would've been 12:39 am my time which isn't outlandish.

I made the Joe Johnson joke about yesterday's post but I didn't mind talking NBA yesterday. Also, I randomly found out that Joe Johnson and I share a birth date (same day, same year.) I don't know why I laughed about that, but I did.

Mr. Ace said...

Does anybody else watch/read Deadspin's Tuesday Night Fights? I can't fucking stop. And then I always end up on Youtube until 2AM watching random shit, like Joe Rogan talking about DMT. Joe Rogan is the best.

Where the fuck are we golfing Saturday morning?

GMoney said...

Damman backed out on golf because he apparently can't handle a 20 minute drive to Raymond (even though that hasn't even been booked yet). Weak. Ace, I recommend grabbing the bulls by the horns on this as Dut isn't going to do anything until the last minute. Tell me when and where and I will be there. I speak for -Rex, too, because he is a big fan of Rush Propst and assumedly loved that reference.

Ice, that's what I said today. I'm done with the Tens. This was his birthday/breakup card.

Drew, you are the worst. There will be more debate about this.

Prime purposely stays up late to get the first edition of this blog. THAT is ELITE.

Anonymous said...

While we are on the biblical references and Tim Tenor, it seems as if this situation has an uncanny resemblance to Adam and Eve. Just as Adam gave one of his ribs so Eve could come into existence, Timmy Tenor threw a touchdown pass in overtime and gave the commentariat(myself excluded) ribs so we could all live like Eve, even though just for another day. However, just as Eve betrayed adam by forsaking him, you, G$, are now forsaking Timmy Tenor, the man who sacrificed so you could have ribs. Be careful, your actions could affect the entire human race (or moneyshot commentariat).

-Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

LS 3:16

GMoney said...

Wow. Mind = blown

Anonymous said...

I have no idea what Lil' Strut just said, but I think he basically said that G$ is headed to hell. If so, I can get down on that.

--Drew

Nate B. said...

Tebow would at least have the courtesy to ask the parents for their blessing, exchange vows, do a dollar dance, and cut the cake before skullfucking Harrison in Week 2.

Let's at least be consistent with our details.

GMoney said...

That pussy Harrison is trying to duck Tens anyway with this made up knee surgery of his.

Grumpy said...

Drew is correct. Drew was getting ribs regardless because Drew is ELITE!

If it comes down to Timmy and Harrison we all know who is getting skullfucked.

The Iceman said...

Harrison. Definitely Harrison.

Anonymous said...

Read Grumpy's words. I rest my case.

Welcome to MY side cunts.

--Drew

GMoney said...

We had celebration ribs. You had pity ribs. They're still ribs but ours were at the expense of Hines Ward and thus tastier.

POINT: G$ and the rest of the former Tenor-heads.

Anonymous said...

You were living a lie though! You now feel sick to your stomach that ate tainted ribs. While I am vindicated and I can look back and be proud of myself that day! You look back and just lower your head in disbelief that you could have been fooled so easily.

GAME, SET, MATCH: DREW AND GRUMPY

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Actually, Grumpy is still out a nice chunk of change. So, he's not a winner still. I am though!

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Melky!!! Come and get that 50 game suspension Dickhole!

GMoney said...

Poor Melky. Everything was turning around for him, too.

It's hard to call us losers when we were celebrating a Steelers defeat. This is getting really confusing.