In case you missed yesterday’s round the clock coverage of the always irrelevant New York Jets, yesterday was Tim Tebow’s 25th birthday! Oh, the joy on Sal Paolantonio’s dipshit face could hardly be contained! He wasn’t even holding a microphone for his 21st straight day of LIVE coverage from Jets camp. Nope, that mic was being held up with his throbbing old man boner and dried spit. ‘Twas a wonderful day for America, indeed, to celebrate the birth anniversary of our favorite son!
For a man born in The Philippines, he sure has made something out of his existence. Timmy Tens stormed onto the pop culture scene by defeating the always awesome RUSH PROPST during MTV’s short-lived but ELITE reality series about high school football in Alabama, Two-A-Days. Then he took his unbroken hymen to Gainesville where he morphed into a title winning, Heisman owning, and pussy avoiding football factory of greatness. For some reason, there was a Super Bowl ad against abortion randomly stuffed into this timeline, too. I’m not quite sure how that got in here though. We all had a good chuckle when the really stupid Josh McDaniels traded back up into the first round of the draft and made Big Time Timmy Tens the “question mark” of the Broncos future.
McDaniels got fired because he was a disaster. John Elway bought the team with all the money he saved up from selling hydroponics (always one of my favorite rumors). John Fox came in with his wild gum chewing. The Kyle Orton Express chugged away numerous bottle of Jack and thus got benched. Tenor was unleashed on the world. #15 played some of the worst QB that you will ever see but it never seemed to matter. He always made plays when it counted. It all culminated on that lovely January Sunday evening when he absolutely shredded that vaunted Steelers defense (as I promised he would for weeks) and gave us the greatest football game of the 2011-12 season. And when that Thomas guy reached the end zone, Grumpy’s wallet got a lot thinner and our guts got a lot larger (except for Brady of course). Tenor was the man! Tenor sent the Steelers home! WE ALL LOVED TENOR! He was the “Kate Upton’s tits” of human beings!
Who cares if he has never had a drink or a gash or swore? Who cares that the Patriots fucking destroyed him the following week? Who cares that he has the accuracy of David Hasselhoff trying to eat a cheeseburger off the floor? He was OUR guy!
But then John Elway and his stupid horse teeth ruined all of that by signing old NeckAIDS and sending Teebs off to the bad New York team. Would Tim be able to handle the spotlight of NYC? How soon before he replaces Mark Sanchez? Would the already insufferable media surrounding him make this hero a villain? I think that we know the answer to that last one. Which is why today, on August 15th, I can officially come out and scream…
FUCK TIM TEBOW! Fuck you hard. I hope that you fail at everything and fail miserably. YOU SUCK YOUR OWN DICK. I am sick and fucking tired of your hourly updates. I am sick and fucking tired of your punt team breakdowns. I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing about this secret wildcat offense than Tony Sparano’s moronic ass has designed just for you that isn’t going to work. GO AWAY. GO AWAY NOW.
I used to think that it wasn’t your fault that people wanted a piece of you but I don’t feel that way anymore. You are a prima donna just like everyone else in the league. It all changed for me when you decided to go running out in the rain during camp without a shirt on. You know, just like everyone else. What the fuck was the point of that? It was pouring outside. I’m quite sure that there are treadmills in your weight room. You knew damn well that that parking lot was crawling with cameras. No, you did that to promote yourself and, to me, that will forever destroy your wholesome image. Now I want to see Sanchez slip a roofie in your muscle milk and then have one of his 15 year old girlfriends take your virginity. I WANT THIS ALL TO END. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. KILL SAL!
But I am not made of steel, Tim Tenor. My opinions tend to fluctuate. I can go from love to hate at the drop of Tony Romo's stupid backwards Starter hat. I noticed that your new team is playing in Pittsburgh on week two this year. If you win that game AND play a significant role in doing so, I will be back on Team Tenor in no time. But if not, I will see to it that Holly Mangold has a six hour weightlifting session and then queefs directly into your mouth. I am not messing around. This is the only way to get back into my good graces.
The football season is less than a month away and the only thing the people want to talk about is the back-up quarterback on a 6 win team. That’s fucked up. RibFest was a great time and all, but it isn’t something that I want to talk about everyday for the rest of my life. Happy birthday, Tenor, now go act like you can play quarterback again like a good boy.