Friday, August 03, 2012

FFF: The Underrated

He used to read Word Up magazine.
Hey asshole! Yeah…YOU! It’s August now which means that you are less than a month away from drafting your fantasy football teams (the DFL Draft is in two weeks, FUCK YEAH!). If you’re anything like me (you aren’t), then you spent all summer complaining about how nothing was going on and longing for the day for football to come back and now that it is very close, you act like it snuck up on you. Well, fear not, because Fantasy Football Friday is once again here to help you get prepared for the only part of football that you have control over (unless, of course, you are deranged enough to run onto a field and start stabbing the players)…the fantasy aspect. Last week, we had a nice little discussion about keepers and we will continue this week by listing my guys that I feel are underrated. But first!

Earlier this week, the always not smart COLLEGE GRADUATE Big Ben let it slip that he had a slight tear in his rotator cuff. My first reaction was “uh oh, that’s not good”. Then I started laughing uncontrollably because Steelers fans are the dick warts of society. So I had Cowherd on yesterday during my lunch trip to the ATM (Ass To Mouth; not the bank) and the never interesting urban duo of Mike and Stink were on. They had an orthopedic surgeon on to talk about the injury and he pretty much just said that it wasn’t a big deal and everyone has small tears in their rotator cuff. For fantasy purposes, this is a relief as Ben is usually a sneaky good option at QB if you miss out on the big guns. But I’m not sure how much stock I should take from this surgeon who roomed with Schlereth in college, started his interview by screaming “SUP STIIIIIIIINK”, and was nicknamed “Drugs” (seriously) by Mark. This guys sounds like the worst doctor ever. Yet these are the kind of pointless and trivial things that you need to know before your draft: you will be able to get Big Ben for dirt cheap because most people will think that his arm is about to fall off. But, in reality, this is nothing to worry about. And now for the rest of the UNDERRATED…

QB – Mike Vick. You know, for a guy that no longer wants to talk about the past anymore, he sure is doing a lot of interviews for a book that he wrote which talks extensively about his past. After an ELITE comeback season in 2010, Vick burned EVERYONE not named Buke last year. I would like to take the time now to remind everyone that Naptown Wolverine share a team in a league and our first four picks last year were Vick, Jamaal Charles, DeSean Jackson, and Peyton Hillis. We had last place clinched after week 6. Anyway, back to Vick, I think that he puts up a top 5 fantasy season again this year. He’s not getting a ton of love coming into the season which means lower expectations. There is no way in Hell that Andy Reid lets a running back score 20-ish touchdowns again. And the President has told him to slide more! Vick shouldn’t be considered in the top tier of QBs (Brees, Rodgers, Brady), but his ceiling is much higher than the second tier guys.

RB – Reggie Bush. Hear me out before you impale me with Lexington Steele’s man-meat. It’s kind of hard to find overrated and underrated running backs. Most of the time, these guys are properly rated. But I like Reggie this year. The Dolphins are going to be ass but I still somewhat believe in the Heisman trophy “holder”. He vows to lead the league in rushing this year. OK, I doubt it, but I like the moxie. He’s going to catch a ton of passes because Miami has no good wide receivers. My point is: he is going to get a lot of touches and as long as he stays somewhat healthy (HUGE risk), I think that he’ll have a very good season.

WR – Reggie Wayne. Let’s be honest: the Colts are going to be shit this season although probably a little better than last year. Most of you, subconsciously, are immediately prejudiced against guys on garbage teams. I know that I am. When someone like Percy Harvin or Sam Bradford get brought up, I immediately am disinterested. But I’m starting to turn the corner because you can take advantage of that. The good thing about horrible teams is that they will always be playing hurry up, pass only offense for most of the second half. The Colts have Bruce Arians as their OC now and if we know one thing about him it is that he loves to throw the ball. That’s good. Wayne is also pretty durable and consistent and that is also good. He had fairly decent numbers last year considering who was throwing the ball to him and you’ve got to think that those numbers will only get better with an actual pulse under center now. Plus, did you see him report to camp in a military uniform. DUDE IS READY TO WORK!

TE – Fred Davis.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Pierre Garcon is about to explode or that Roy Helu is going to be a breakout superstar. You would immediately tune me out and my credibility would be destroyed. But hear me on this: Freddy D is about to hang a monster on the NFL in 2012. He’s in a contract year. If he gets busted for drugs one more time, he’ll be forced into being someone else’s or his own horrible lawyer again. He has a stud QB who is still figuring out who his safety valve will be. It’s almost setting up too perfectly for Davis to have a Pro Bowl season. Actually, yes, I will predict that: Fred Davis will join Jimmy Graham as the NFC tight ends in the Pro Bowl. A bigger season than Vernon Davis, Jermichael Finley, Brandon Pettigrew, Jason Witten, Brent Celek, and Tony Gonzalez…damn, the NFC is loaded at tight end. Fuck it, Fred Davis rules and none of these other assholes grew up in northwest Ohio like he did.

K/DEF – I’m not doing this.

Next week, I’ll get into the OVERRATED which is always a much better topic. On that note, I’m making a rare trip back to Nap tonight to hit up my first Rally in the Alley in over three years. I could not be more excited. I will also keep you up to speed on whether or not I have to take Dut back, too. That would be a horrible two hours. Peace, BRAHS!

33 comments:

The Iceman said...

Yeah! First comment.

Colon Cowturd said Raper's stats suggest he is a top 5 QB and only pointed to Super Bowl rings to defend that dumb ass statement. Another reason why championships should be taken out of the equation when talking about individual stats.

I like Bush and Davis. They're in line to have sneaky good seasons. As long as Davis can lay off the reefer he really is the only trustworthy receiving option Washington has.

Bush is going to split carries but Daniel Thomas is an enormous pussy and will start missing significant time by week 6. That means you scored a feature back for dirt cheap. The only downside is that Bush is going to get hurt when you need him the most...playoff time.

I think Wayne will do just okay. He's got a rookie QB that may not have the scrote to hit him on those routes Manning was able to deliver to in his fucking sleep. May be a stretch but we'll see.

Vick is trash and I refuse to draft him. Especially after 2 years ago when I had a 40 point lead AND LeSean McCoy left and lost because of that butt fuck. Thanks a fucking lot Washington! Another reason to hate the Redskins.

Grumpy said...

You know, I enjoyed playing fantasy football each week last year, but talking about it is boring.

GMoney said...

Grump, I'm beginning to think that this site is just not for you. All you do is bitch, bitch, bitch these days. Christ, go get a hooker already and turn that frown upside down. You're acting like YOU are the one that might have to chauffeur Dut around today.

Iceman, where the fuck were you yesterday?

GMoney said...

Not more than 15 minutes ago this was said:

"Is RG3 better than John Beck?"--Mike Hill

Anonymous said...

Did anyone see my late breaking news on The Unit yesterday in the comments?!?!?

Grumpy cries as much as a female Russian gymnast.

I don't get the "everyone has tears in the rotator cuff" comment. Then I guess every QB should just admit to that and talk about it right? It's obviously worse than that if it's a talking point.

--Drew

MUdawgfan said...

G$ - I have Davis and Garcon on my team, which one should I keep?

Is Freddie Touchdown going to have to miss any games this year due to his past antics and fondness for DRUUUUGGGGSSSSS.

GMoney said...

Nope, Freddy is all caught up on his suspensions. Keep him over Lucky Pierre.

Good point, Drew, it seems like everyone in the world has a torn rotator cuff to some degree. How was no one ever aware of this? Will this have any effect on Ben's violent fisting?

GMoney said...

A couple of entertainment notes:

*Who is watching Snooki & JWoww? They should just call it "Roger is the Greatest". Who would have ever guessed that JWoww would not like to bone all the time?

*Psycho Sid appearing Big Brother last night was the best. And I don't care what Lange says, you've got ELITE players in the game now and not idiots like Ashley and Joe Clemens. The four former coaches, Shane, and Frank can all win this. That will be good TV. It will be even better TV when Fag Boogie goes home.

*Brady likes to talk about Louie so I will say that Louie was fucking tremendous last night. He and Robin Williams laughing outside of the strip club was hilarious.

The Iceman said...

First, talking about Fantasy Football is NEVER boring. Ever. I could discuss this shit any day, all day.

Yesterday I was MIA as my store was getting a corporate audit this afternoon. I had to remove myself from blog world in order to prepare. Good news, we passed so I get to keep my job for at least another 6 months. Just know if I ever get shit canned I'm coming to you for a full time position, G$. How are the benefits this site offers? Good medical? Dental?

GMoney said...

No medical or dental; only rectal.

Anonymous said...

G$- I'm opting out for this weekend. I'm not sure what time people leave this place on Fridays, so it's hard to plan! You can talk to your penis for 2 hours instead.

I've had Fred Davis the last few years and he always underwhelms. He was a safety valve for other awful qbs as well. He is a tier 2 te and will get drafted as such.

Is anyone else excited to watch rg3 be a giant bust?

How is Brandon weeden not on this list?

I'm taking Trent Richardson in the first round.


Dut

Anonymous said...

First off, because I never read my yahoo mail, fuck you to Dut, for being a giant vag this year for your draft. I was all set to come to Columbus and partake in the festivities, but you would rather cram multiple drafts in on a single day. Your thinking that an online/public hybrid will speed it along with this rag tag bunch of technologically clueless people, you are lols (for instance, just think of my trying to coordinate with Buke over the internet over this. I am quite sure that he still uses a Nokia phone with the OSU faceplate on it).

Fred Davis could be good if Robert Helu Jr. fails the inevitable RG3 checkdown clinic. Yeah, I just insinuated that RG3 will blow this year.

Trent Richardson is totes a first round pick.

Ide

GMoney said...

Browns fans thinking that RG3 will bust is so darn cute. Delusional though.

I dodged a rather YUGE bullet by not having to spend time with my penis in Dut's mouth today. Call me a liar if you want, but I did not want that.

Ide, you and Buke will have to fight over who drafts the team then. I suggest a joust.

Anonymous said...

Almost as delusional as thinking the Skins are playoff bound with a black rookie qb?

I didn't say bust. I just said he'd blow this year. I guess it's pretty delusional to think that a rookie qb being thrown in the fire would suck. Perhaps black Jesus will pull it out though.

Doubtful.

Go ACL tear!

Ide

The Iceman said...

Richardson will be a first round pick, but won't perform like one. It sucks being a Browns fan and already knowing that there's no way I'll be getting him in any draft.

Brady said...

"I diarrea'd in the tub" and "did you just throw my rug out the window?" are spectacular quotes from last night. Louie has been slacking a little this season but last night was awesome.

I like all of your fantasy suggestions in this post, G$. I might actually heed your advice on a couple of these in my draft coming up.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to give a shout out to some ELITE team names in the G$FL. Victim #2, Eric Legrand's Legs, Blair White Power and Tickle Monsters are sure to have some epic battles this year.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

I am the proud owner of "Victim # 2"...my avatar for that name is ELITE as well.

G$..I haven't been keeping up on Snooks and JWoww....what's the deal with JWow not wanting to make sex?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I'd love to see what you googled to get that image. You cracked somebodies watchlist, fo' sho'.

I've noticed a pattern in my fantasy names, that I must vow to change. It is always something terrible of someone awful. Eric LeGrand's Legs (ELITE avatar of him paralyzed on the field (inspirational)), Anne Frank's Ashes, and Marge Schott's Queef to name a few.

MSFL I will come up with something great.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I pretty much agree with this list. Doubtful I would draft any of these players in the MSFL- especially given the Vick-boner that Ace has, but we will see.

Prime99 said...

$125 fine?! The swift wheels of justice work once again.

Brady said...

Shit! Tickle Monsters is my team name. As long as it's two seperate leagues, it should be OK.

GMoney said...

Ide, I didn't say playoffs. I said SUPER BOWL N-WORD!!! But I'd be happy with 7-9 this year. If a mental defective like Cam can dominate, imagine what a guy that actually follows the rules and can throw will do! If Andy Dalton can lead a team to the playoffs as a rookie then anyone can...except Ryan Tannehill and Brandon Weeden.

Are you guys serious about Richardson being a first round pick? It's hard to pick up sarcasm in blog comments. But T-Rich will not be a first round pick unless you play in a 20 team league and even then it's doubtful.

Blair White Power will dominate.

Drew, it's actually really funny because they do the night vision camera of Roger trying to fingerblast her almost every night and she shoots him down every time. Roger needs to dump her because if she's holding out now, it's only going to get worse. It's disappointing to see this from Jenni Farley as we were always led to believe that she was some sort of sexual monster...not true at all. Roger is ELITE. He rips on Jionni constantly.

The Iceman said...

Damn! That's some stiff competition for team names this year. Bravo, everyone. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

Ide,

I've been trying to call you for weeks to get some sort of strategum for our multiple fantasy endeavors. Whenever you go to black kroger and cash your paycheck, go straight to boost and get a few more prepaid minutes and give me a call. Thx

Buke

GMoney said...

Whenever you go to black kroger and cash your paycheck, go straight to boost and get a few more prepaid minutes and give me a call.

Take the rest of the day off, everyone, because we just found our line of the day.

How about one of you drafts the MSFL team and the other rolls DFL. Then you can finally figure out who is better at fantasy football (Buke is). There, no need to get another burner now, Ide. Lester "Black Strut" Freemon is on to you anyway.

Prime99 said...

ELITE comment by Buke! Well done, Colombus' sexiest bartender.

Anonymous said...

Ouch, I just got owned. Two Buke posts in a week though. So I will divert attention with 2 very racist and very true stories that I have neglected to rehash here.

My phone was boosted from my person 2 weeks ago on a train. I was on my way to work, and was sitting down, some crummy minority (not black surprisingly, but some kind of brown, maybe a mix of Phillipino and Mexican that smelled like Indian) sat next to me. I get off and go to check the time and my phone was gone. Nowhere to be found. Being on the train you get bumped into a lot, so someone straight up pickpocketed me. I immediately had a new one shipped to me, but there was a backorder, as it goes.

Four days later, I am on my way home from a bar in the train yet again. I have my headphones on and was zoned out or really drunk, probably both. I feel a tug on my shorts. I look down. A fucking black guy was CUTTING INTO MY SHORTS WITH A GODDAMNED BOXCUTTER trying to get to my pockets and steal my wallet. In a drunk rage, I went absolutely apeshit. The fucking animal actually says, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but I didn't take anything, see for yourself!" Like, oh! you caught me, but its cool because aside from the 6 inch gash in your shorts and your underwear being clearly visible to everyone, your money and wallet are still on you.

Now, a train coming from Brooklyn probably wasn't the right place for this, but I was screaming mad. I dropped more than the lions share of racial epithets as I followed him through the subway until I had him arrested. There's usually a cop or two at every stop, so it was easy.

My phone woes are over as of this message:


Scheduled Delivery:
Friday, 08/03/2012, by 3:00 P.M.(by end of day for residential deliveries)
Last Location:
New York, NY, United States, Friday, 08/03/2012

My insurance kicked me off their plan this week after 2 claims in 8 days. My last phone was 2 days old when a monsoon hit Saturday and flooded it. Was pretty funny until I realized that I am 3 months in my new plan and still have 17 more to go with no backup option at phone.

Added bonus: My lack of phone had me absent from G$'s awful bounty hunter stories.

Ide

Anonymous said...

So I click on Scott torgersons (the torg) Facebook post today about being on CNN at 3:30 and start reading the comments. On the front page of that, I see a comment from none other than IDE! What a loser!

Dut

GMoney said...

Yeah, Ide likes to give virtual blowies to The Torg. I saw that, too, and it was embarrassing.

Dut, did you hear their interview with the Pres yesterday? The whole time I assumed that it was going to end up being a Fake Obama much the same as Fake Joe Paterno (ELITE character by the way). You've got to give Barry O some props for starting the interview off with "Is this MY GUYS?" Then he talked about the White Sox and I zoned out.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck did CNN want to speak with that retard about?

--Drew

GMoney said...

I would assume it was for his awesome Bobby Heenan impression.

Anonymous said...

Maybe they want him to explain how he got trolled into believing he was talking to "Ellis". LOLZ!

--Drew