Friday, August 24, 2012

FFF: The Ten Commandments

FACT: Phil Knight never made a profit with Nike until he got our endorsement.
Before we get started on the final edition of Fantasy Football Friday, I would just like to remind everyone to BEAT DEFIANCE! As I mentioned last week, I will be in attendance tonight to see who wins the River Rock (or whatever they play for now). I’m looking forward to it. I think that the Cats have a good shot since they are led offensively by (have no idea) and tackling machine (Joe Football Player). The Bulldogs have playmakers of their own with speedster (Jorge Spanishlastname) and kicker (Look at the foot on that guy!). It should be an instant classic. I will say though, that even if this is one of the oldest rivalries in the galaxy, I hate Bryan more. I still fucking LOATHE the Golden Bears and I always will.

Anyway, since we are in Draft season and I fashion myself as somewhat of an expert, here are my Ten Commandments for Draft Day. Abide by all of them and you will find success. I promise you this.

1. Thou Shall Have a Plan – Don’t just walk into your draft 5 minutes before it starts and open up a magazine that you just bought. That is a recipe for disaster. I like getting there an hour early just to get my bearings and focus.

2. Thou Shall Be Flexible With Said Plan – Don’t freak out if you miss out on the Big 3 quarterbacks and running backs. There are other studs out there. There should never be a situation where you say “I’m getting Player X and I give no fucks how much he costs”. That is stupid.

3. Thou Shall Not Go To War With The League Idiot(s) – I said this on Saturday but there is a guy in the DFL who is absolutely horrible at fantasy football. He knows no one that plays outside of Ford Field. If you catch yourself in a hotly contested bidding war with the moron of the league, then you should bail immediately. You really, really don’t want a guy that the league idiot wants, too.

4. Thou Shall Drink Alcohol – A must if you are a man. You ARE a man, aren’t you?

5. Thou Shall Constantly Remind Everyone About How Great You Are – No matter how much you hate your team, you better act like it is the fucking greatest thing of all time. I call this The Ide Rule. Historically, Ide is a below average fantasy football player (don’t argue this, I have history on my side) but you would never know it by his mouth and actions. You’ve got to respect this behavior. Not bad for a guy that shit his pants last week.

6. Thou Shall Ignore Bye Weeks – I used to worry about these. I don’t anymore. If I had my druthers, I would have all of my studs on the same bye week so I can get that loss over with and dominate the other weeks. If I have Megatron, I’m not going to pass up a Roddy White the next round for Miles Austin’s horrific mouth just because White and Tron have the same bye week. That’s just bad management. Just take the Best Player Available and deal with the fallout later. That’s why the waiver wire exists.

7. Thou Shall Not Pay For Past Results – Old running backs (Michael Turner), holdouts (MoJo), and homos (Tony Romo)…avoid them all. Youth is almost always better than experience in the game of fantasy football (except at QB and kicker).

8. Thou Shall Play Mind Games – Last year in the 21 year old league that I draft tomorrow (it can legally drink!), one of the fellow owners got really drunk very early and kept rubbing and messing up the hair of the guy sitting next to him. This was pre-Sandusky by the way. It might have been the gayest thing that I’ve ever seen and it went on for 3+ hours. The guy being molested had just an awful experience and looked like he wanted to kill himself once the draft was over. The fondler made the playoffs (somehow). The guy who was fondled finished third to last. This is fantasy football. You do whatever it takes to get into someone’s head. If that means being a queer for a day then so be it. Ironically, I was sitting on the other side of the cuddler rapist. I only received one head-patting all day. I won the league. Clearly, he raped the wrong guy that day.

9. Thou Shall Mention Dead Guys, Be Casually Racist, and Definitely Be Chauvinistic – This is obvious. I say this seemingly every year but about 4-5 years ago someone drafted Joe Jurevicius and another drunk in my league yelled, “He should be a lot better this year now that his kid is dead”. It remains the best line in fantasy football draft history. NOTHING comes close to that.

10. Thou Shall Have Fun – It’s so basic but it is so true. These are OUR days, gentleman. Don’t take them for granted. When they are over, you go back to your Browns and Bengals and Lions and Bears and Bills and Redskins. Most of the time, THAT BLOWS! Cherish these hours because it is going to be a long year before they come back to you. Stop trying to get everyone to hurry up or to stop fucking around. You don’t have anything better to do anyway. We have so little control over anything in our lives but we do here. You probably think that I’m crazy for loving something so meaningless so much. But I do and that is never going to change.

Now go out there and dominate your leagues (unless you are in a league with me). We all know what we are doing here—now it’s about execution. I will leave you with one final piece of advice that has always helped me in every aspect of my life: FUCK DEFIANCE.

As I’ve mentioned a lot, College Football Preview Week takes center stage all of next week (Iceman, enjoy your Tuesday vacation!). If you hate next week’s posts, it ain’t my fault. N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N!

29 comments:

Grumpy said...

Then why isn't the MSFL live and in person?

Go Wildcats!

Anonymous said...

Because you live in Cincinnati, and the elderly bus doesn't run that late.

Im ok with the Ide rule, though I thought it'd be a shoe in for number 9. I tend to follow most of these to a T. Except, no one gets drunk at the G$FL draft anymore. I blame the lack of Juan Negro and Buke.

Ide

GMoney said...

Grump, because it would be hypocritical for a group that was formed online to not do their draft online as well. It's science.

Ide, I'll have 4 beers during my draft (Stroh's?) but you're right about it not being a slopfest. But if you show up, you should have a few beers.

Grumpy said...

I think once in my life I should have the opportunity to attend a live draft, muss up G$'s hair, drink tequila shots and puke on Ace's new couch.

The Iceman said...

"Thou Shall Not Go To War With The League Idiot(s"

I'm tweaking this one. Thou SHALL go to war if you know you can bid that fucker up and make him pay twice what that player is worth. Just remember it's a fine line and be prepared to get stuck with that player if you don't play it right. Example: Several years ago a guy in our league was bidding up McNabb because he knew the other guy bidding against him was a McNabb lover. No one knows exactly why since Donovan is a really unlikable person. Anyway...bids go back and FORF until McNabb boner realizes the guy bidding him up already has 2 QBs on his roster that he paid 30 and 35 dollars for (we start 2 QBS in that league). So McNabb lover calmly says, "You can have him. And have fun with a quarter of your payroll riding the bench every week." It was a glorious moment for everyone except the guy who paid almost 40 bucks for a QB that he sat every week since no one would trade with him for being such a dildo.

The Iceman said...

Also, my brother got together a pick em NFL thing on ESPN. It's $10 to get in (G$ and I believe Ide have already entered) and it's straight up. No picking against the spread. I believe first place takes home everything...I'll have to double check that. Anyway...here's the info.

Group name is Morning Woods and the password to get in is winige.

Your $10 can be mailed to my brother at 8787 Southside Blvd. Apt. 1102, Jacksonville, FL 32256

GMoney said...

So what Iceman is saying is "you are 100% right and let me give you evidence to support that". Don't try to out-think the room. Terrible teams are always terrible for a reason but even idiots understand when they are just being bullied. Driving up the price is fine but it is also very dangerous.

Grump, you are more than welcome to take my invite to the Ace's house-warming party tomorrow night if you want. Just know that you must leave an upper decker at some point.

Seriously though, I will bring you as my date to the DFL Draft next year (if we can get everyone together as discussed on Monday). You and Jeff can wax nostalgic about the career of Hines Ward.

Prime99 said...

A live MSFL draft? Sounds like Grumpy is trying to block Ol' Murder Panties from the league. I guess I could Skype in one year, or blow many hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket to Colombus to make Grumpy's dream of mussing G$'s hair come true. Seems like you could do that in the bathroom of a Miami OH game, though.

BEAT DEFIANCE.

Dave Duerson references are always appreciated.

GMoney said...

One of these days, Prime, you WILL come back to your rightful home. Let's get a UC Davis/Ohio State game booked and you can be your school's ambassador or something.

Mr. Ace said...

Also in fantasy news, PAY YOUR FUCKING MSFL DUES OR DIE!

I have been playing the new Madden 13 demo...and it's pretty fucking awesome. For those that care.

Prime99 said...

The new UCD AD just dropped a load in his pants at the mention of that game.

Being that I worked there for 9 years, I saw too much behind the curtain of my alma mater's athletics program. I'm not joking when I say I'd rather go to the Napoleon/Defiance game than a UCD game across the country.

I will spin my wheels about a possible trip for future years, but I'd also like to throw this out there- every Labor Day Reno has a National Ribfest and cook-off. Seems like something Grumpy could spring for a private jet out this way if Tenor beats the Steelers in the playoffs again.

The Iceman said...

Mailed it yesterday, Ace.

I would rather get wax ecstatic than wax nostalgic. There may be one person in the room that understands that reference.

I'm a big fan of driving the price up. No one goes cheap. That's what I say.

GMoney said...

Sponge song...NAILED IT!

NATIONAL RibFest? Wow. I just broke the zipper on my slacks (great word).

Brady said...

I really want to do an auction draft next season. The league I've been in for over a decade is very slow to change. Hell, we just added keepers two seasons ago. Auction style seems much more involved and strategic.

Why the fuck does Madden come out so late this year? Ridiculous.

The Iceman said...

I have an auction draft you can get in THIS year, Brady. Sack up.

Okay...so there may be TWO people in the room that will get that reference. The other is currently kicking my tail in SongPop.

Anonymous said...

Mr ace,
Where do I send the monies and it's still $40?
----Lange

Prime99 said...

Yes I am, motherfucker!

Iceman's 16 candles are down the drain.

Brady said...

I'm already in three leagues this year with a hefty financial obligation. I'm not sure wifey would be too thrilled with another fantasy football entry. Unless I use my secret bank account. Do any other married brahs have a secret bank account? I feel it is necessary.

I want in for next year, Ice. Put me on the waiting list.

Mr. Ace said...

Oh fuck it. My address is:

Mr. Ace
778 Drummond Ct.
Columbus, OH 43214

I have a separate bank account for gambling purposes. It's more to protect my wife, breadwinner, if the feds happen to crack down on online gambling type things so she isn't associated with it more than hiding shit from her. My wife doesn't need to know about my fantasy happenings. And even if she did she wouldn't care, as long as I drafted A-Rodg.

tlachey said...

'Mailed it yesterday, Ace.'

Translation - 'Fuck, I have to get that in the mail today.'

Anonymous said...

I am set to send it to paypal, I just refuse to believe that "moneyshotfantasies@gmail.com" is a real address. Tell me you were joking. I've already been duped by paypal'ing wrong addresses shared with fathers (lol aol lol) so please confirm.

If the draft is still after OSU opening day, I can 100% confirm that I will not be drinking. If I am in attendance, then Adriatico's is in my future, but certainly not a delicious and always smooth Schlitz.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I sent mine to moneyshotfantasies and it went through fine. However, it also comes with some spam emails of pics of Ace's nipples which was pretty weird.

Mr. Ace said...

Yes, MoneyShotFantasies@gmail.com is the real deal. Where all your money shot fantasies come true.

GMoney said...

Ide, for the hundredth time, the draft is on Monday 9/3. Two days after Urban Meyer's onfield death. Adriatico's is always ELITE.

I don't have a secret bank account unless you count my PayPal (which you shouldn't since there is 23 bucks in there). That being said though, the wife doesn't need to know what I do with my money. I'm a wheeler and a dealer, baby.

The Iceman said...

"Fuck. I have to get that in the mail today."

That's pretty damn accurrate.

Anonymous said...

Spending my birthday drafting with the likes of you ilk is awful. This is terrible news.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

The draft is 9/4 @8:30 PM, you fucking grundle lickers. We will hold off until 9 PM if everyone is not present at 8:30 PM. It has always been Tuesday, 9/4.

GMoney said...

How much grilled tofu am I missing out on tomorrow?

Mr. Ace said...

I am poisoning everyone with vegan and semen laced burgers and dogs. Even some "veganaise" for special sauce. You don't know what you're missing.