|FACT: Phil Knight never made a profit with Nike until he got our endorsement.|
Anyway, since we are in Draft season and I fashion myself as somewhat of an expert, here are my Ten Commandments for Draft Day. Abide by all of them and you will find success. I promise you this.
1. Thou Shall Have a Plan – Don’t just walk into your draft 5 minutes before it starts and open up a magazine that you just bought. That is a recipe for disaster. I like getting there an hour early just to get my bearings and focus.
2. Thou Shall Be Flexible With Said Plan – Don’t freak out if you miss out on the Big 3 quarterbacks and running backs. There are other studs out there. There should never be a situation where you say “I’m getting Player X and I give no fucks how much he costs”. That is stupid.
3. Thou Shall Not Go To War With The League Idiot(s) – I said this on Saturday but there is a guy in the DFL who is absolutely horrible at fantasy football. He knows no one that plays outside of Ford Field. If you catch yourself in a hotly contested bidding war with the moron of the league, then you should bail immediately. You really, really don’t want a guy that the league idiot wants, too.
4. Thou Shall Drink Alcohol – A must if you are a man. You ARE a man, aren’t you?
5. Thou Shall Constantly Remind Everyone About How Great You Are – No matter how much you hate your team, you better act like it is the fucking greatest thing of all time. I call this The Ide Rule. Historically, Ide is a below average fantasy football player (don’t argue this, I have history on my side) but you would never know it by his mouth and actions. You’ve got to respect this behavior. Not bad for a guy that shit his pants last week.
6. Thou Shall Ignore Bye Weeks – I used to worry about these. I don’t anymore. If I had my druthers, I would have all of my studs on the same bye week so I can get that loss over with and dominate the other weeks. If I have Megatron, I’m not going to pass up a Roddy White the next round for Miles Austin’s horrific mouth just because White and Tron have the same bye week. That’s just bad management. Just take the Best Player Available and deal with the fallout later. That’s why the waiver wire exists.
7. Thou Shall Not Pay For Past Results – Old running backs (Michael Turner), holdouts (MoJo), and homos (Tony Romo)…avoid them all. Youth is almost always better than experience in the game of fantasy football (except at QB and kicker).
8. Thou Shall Play Mind Games – Last year in the 21 year old league that I draft tomorrow (it can legally drink!), one of the fellow owners got really drunk very early and kept rubbing and messing up the hair of the guy sitting next to him. This was pre-Sandusky by the way. It might have been the gayest thing that I’ve ever seen and it went on for 3+ hours. The guy being molested had just an awful experience and looked like he wanted to kill himself once the draft was over. The fondler made the playoffs (somehow). The guy who was fondled finished third to last. This is fantasy football. You do whatever it takes to get into someone’s head. If that means being a queer for a day then so be it. Ironically, I was sitting on the other side of the cuddler rapist. I only received one head-patting all day. I won the league. Clearly, he raped the wrong guy that day.
9. Thou Shall Mention Dead Guys, Be Casually Racist, and Definitely Be Chauvinistic – This is obvious. I say this seemingly every year but about 4-5 years ago someone drafted Joe Jurevicius and another drunk in my league yelled, “He should be a lot better this year now that his kid is dead”. It remains the best line in fantasy football draft history. NOTHING comes close to that.
10. Thou Shall Have Fun – It’s so basic but it is so true. These are OUR days, gentleman. Don’t take them for granted. When they are over, you go back to your Browns and Bengals and Lions and Bears and Bills and Redskins. Most of the time, THAT BLOWS! Cherish these hours because it is going to be a long year before they come back to you. Stop trying to get everyone to hurry up or to stop fucking around. You don’t have anything better to do anyway. We have so little control over anything in our lives but we do here. You probably think that I’m crazy for loving something so meaningless so much. But I do and that is never going to change.
Now go out there and dominate your leagues (unless you are in a league with me). We all know what we are doing here—now it’s about execution. I will leave you with one final piece of advice that has always helped me in every aspect of my life: FUCK DEFIANCE.
As I’ve mentioned a lot, College Football Preview Week takes center stage all of next week (Iceman, enjoy your Tuesday vacation!). If you hate next week’s posts, it ain’t my fault. N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N!