Friday, August 17, 2012

FFF: Ask The Expert

BEST.  PICTURE.  EVER.
Today’s installment of Fantasy Football Friday is an “Ask The Expert" format. Since I am the best fantasy player around, I’m giving tips. In essence, I’m playing “Just the Tip” with you losers. Iceman also came along for the ride so he can tell you how to finish dead last in the MSFL. One of us got really long-winded with his questions and answers. The other didn’t. Take a guess which is which. Anyway, here you go and feel free to ask anything in the comments and I’ll drop truth bombs on you if I feel like it. I do this because I have nothing to hide and even if you know my strategy, there is nothing that you pissfaces can do to stop me from returning to glory.

What do you make of Adrian Peterson? Where is a good spot for him to go/how much should you spend on him?
Iceman: I heard recently that AP is planning to practice within the next 2 weeks. Which tells me that he's coming back waaaaaaay too early considering his knee was fucking mutilated back in December. I know AP is supposed to always be in freakishly great shape at all times like a silverback gorilla with robot legs would be, but this seems a tad unrealistic. Even for a mutant like AP. Plus Christian Ponder is a limp dicked pussy who throws with the velocity of a retarded girl scout. The combination of those two bed sheet sized red flags tells me that AP isn't worth it this year. Even if he does play a full season (he won't) you would be lucky to see more than 800 yards out of him (which probably won't happen in a sure fire time share). There is too much evidence that exists that tells me running backs recovering from ACL/MCL surgery are never right their first year back. Most never fully make it back. If you have the fucking stones to risk it, I would target AP around the 4th or 5th round and spend no more than $20 based on a $200 cap. Play it conservative and let him be someone else’s problem if it comes to that.

It is widely known that Jay Cutler wants to have sex with interceptions...it's obviously why he throws so many. Knowing that Cutler is a lot like Favretard (as in he is the only person who thinks he can put it anywhere at any time regardless of the coverage), does the addition of Brandon Marshall make him more appealing to you as an every week starting QB?
G$: Yes. In fact, I think that Dennis Cutty is going to have a big year (ie. better than both Mannings). Now that Mike Martz is gone from trying to get him killed every week AND they brought in a top 5 receiver (albeit insane), I like the sulky bastard a lot.

Who has the better fantasy season: Luck or RGIII? And do either approach what Cam did?
Iceman: Not because this is your site and not because you employ me for a whopping $0 per hour, but I have to go with RGIII on this one. It's simple when you really think about it. RGIII runs a sub 4.5 forty and doesn't sound like he has peanut butter caked on the roof of his mouth when he talks. His accuracy isn't an issue and he just has better weapons around him. And that's sad to say when you look at who the "weapons" are. The fact that he's fast, black, and accurate means there's just more opportunity for him to get in the end zone and rack up yards. The only downside I can see is RGIII allowing himself to be tackled since he loves the warm embrace of several hot, sweaty men (Don't you fucking dare censor me!!). Although I see RGIII as the better option here, I don't see him coming close to doing what Cam did last year simply because RGIII doesn't have the girth to be the goal line back for Washington. This was what Cam essentially was/is for Carolina. Plus Shanahan is a total faggot so he'll probably do something incredibly queer like bring in his 8th string running back he activated off the practice squad 2 days prior to run the offense once the Skins crack the red zone.

There is a loaded gun with half of the barrel firmly lodged inside your anal cavity. The person with the finger on the trigger (me) says you have to pick TO, Randy Moss or Chad Ochofuckface for your fantasy roster. Which one saves your insides from Smith and Wesson total annihilation and why?
G$: Well, Moss is the only one actually guaranteed to make a roster this year so I’ll say him even though I want nothing to do with this guy. What kind of question is this anyway? You have a legit expert in front of you and you ask a question about receivers in their mid-30’s? Suck my butthole.

Why is everyone still nibbling on Peyton's foreskin? The guy has neck AIDS, a terrible running game, and garbage receivers. Let's not forget that his outdoor splits are sketchy at best. Are you buying into Gomer?
Iceman: Why? WHY?! I'll tells ya why. Because he's PEYTON FUCKING MANNING!! Yes. I'm buying Peyton because of one reason. He's a cocksucker. Not in the RGIII (FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!) sense but in the sense that he can't stand people saying he's lost it. Asshole perfectionists like that work tirelessly to prove naysayers wrong. They feel like they always have something to prove. They ignore their wives and pretty much beg them to fuck other men while they stare endlessly at film from Ray Lewis in high school...because there COULD be tendencies that MAY have followed him to the pros. Don't tell me watching Lil' Bro crank out a second Super Bowl victory over the family arch nemesis didn't singe Peyton's silver pubes a little. You think Peyton's okay with (fucking idiot) people saying Downs Syndrome ELI is a better quarterback? That motherfucker is going to be on a mission this year and if he can make Brandon Stokley a borderline Pro-Bowler then he can do the same with Eric Decker. There's no doubt I would draft Peyton Manning this year. If Favretard can light it up at 39, then Manning can be as good if not better at 38. That...is a FACT!

There is a rumor that Tim Hightower is the #1 back in Washington now. After months of everyone fluffling Roy Helu and assuming he's the starter, what does this do for Helu's draft stock? As a Redskins fan, are you ready to join the millions that would love one clean shot at upper cutting Shanahan's testicles?
G$: And now you want to know about the running back situation in DC? Good God, you ask questions like someone who dreams of working for the Northwest Signal. No one is fluffing Roy Helu and no one ever has. I don’t know where you got that. My praise of him was always tongue in cheek because I like that he stills goes by Jr. He is not that starter. It could be Evan Royster or Hightower or even rookie Alfred Morris. I don’t know why anyone would count on a Redskins RB. But if you absolutely had to have one, Helu is the guy only because he is the best pass catcher and the Skins will be throwing a lot this year.

As has been said ad nauseum, the DFL Draft is tomorrow which begins the football season for me. YAY!!! My sister lives in Chicago (has for over 5 years; still have not visited her—ELITE!) and has field passes to tomorrow’s Bears/Redskins game. I was very explicit with my request for her to tell RG3 that I am IN LOVE with him (yes homo). She said that she would. She will probably want to avoid Rex Grossman though. You never want to walk out of a preseason NFL game with a kid in your belly.

26 comments:

Grumpy said...

Guess Prime solved his insomnia.

Is it true the Vikes will cut anyone who touches AP in practice?

GMoney said...

I backed up the post time just to fuck with Prime. ELITE!

I think that that is awesome. Touch the stud = you're gone

Fuck the Browns for pre-empting Big Bro last night. I don't mind getting up at 6:30 to watch the episode that aired at 2:30, but I don't like it either. I hate Browns preseason games. NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH THESE, local CBS affiliate!

GMoney said...

Here are is another good tip:

Let someone else go after MoJo and Mike Wallace. Guys who holdout are bad news for fantasy players. This has always been the case.

Anonymous said...

Why have you not visited the great city of Chicago if your sister has lived there for five years?

--Drew

GMoney said...

I'm pretty lazy. That's not fair. I'm pretty AND lazy.

That will likely change in February though when Wisky/Minny and Miami/Notre Dame play an outdoor hockey doubleheader at Soldier Field. That is going to be sick.

Since Ace and Dut have not mentioned it yet, tee times are 8:15 and 8:22 tomorrow morning at the Front 10/Back 8.

Jeff said...

Sup dick lickers,

How about we're playing for the first 8 waiver spots at ole nerv. Sounds good to me.

FFQ - What's the most $$ you would spend on a player in auction format?

My theory of spending about 70% of my bankroll on ARODG and CALVIN last year got me to the playoffs, but not much more.

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prime99 said...

My first draft is tomorrow as well, and you guys will be happy knowing that we found two more so I'm not running an 8 person league. PHEW! Live draft in Reno should be pretty damn fun.

I'm not sure what my strategy should be this year but I guess I'll get liquored up and let Gentleman Jack help guide the way.

I very much enjoyed your answer about Jay Cutler.

Prime99 said...

Your sis should definitely steer clear of The Cannon. I hear he does wonderfully unspeakable thing to every female who crosses his path. I'm just glad he is a Super Bowl champion (according to the shirt I got early this week.) It must have fallen of the truck on the way to Zimbabwe in 2007.

Anonymous said...

G$ is just throwing smoke signals regarding Helu jr. He messaged me daily last year while I had him on the best team in the dfl trying to get him.

Jeff- I think whoever drinks the most beers on the front 10 deserves the first waiver spot. Regarding your question, I plan on spending 70% of my $$ on cam newton alone. Championship. All I have to do is count on Damman dropping a top 5 receiver (jordy Nelson) before the season starts. What a tard!

Dut

The Iceman said...

My questions are the deep questions that make the difference between winning and losing. Next time I'll ask moon ball questions like "Who has the better fantasy season, Ray Rice or LeSean McCoy?" DERP! And yes...people have been fluffling Roy Helu on fantasy websites/magazines before this Tim Hightower nonsense happened. Helu was slated to be the starter up until about 2 weeks ago, boner sniffer.

When are we going to discuss any MSFL league rule changes?

GMoney said...

Jeff, my horrible golf game is not ready up to "par" with my ELITE fantasy skills so I say no to that waiver idea. I should probably start doing some morning drinking as I will be crushing beers in the AM the next two Saturdays. You know, training and practice and whatnot.

I don't have a set dollar amount for anyone. Sorry to be vague, but I go on feel. But constructing your team with Dut's "studs and scrubs" theory has proven to be an awful decision.

When Roy got touches, he showed to be pretty solid last year. And I don't get a big head about my texts. There was a three week stretch last year where I had to start Lance Ball or Javon Ringer at RB2. I was pretty desperate.

Dut did have a great question for me earlier this week. He came to me because I am the smartest. He has the first pick in a ten team league. Does he go Foster or Rodgers? I said Arian just because there are only 3 ELITE rbs and he could still get a Cam/Vick/Grossman at pick 20. Great advice...I haz it.

GMoney said...

What rule changes are there? Whites only?

As someone who visits Redskin blogs everyday, I can assure you that Helu was never named the starter. In fact, there has been more love for Rolls Royster as the #1. But still, Mike Shanahan is an asshole and changes running backs like he changes socks.

Prime99 said...

Even if we change the rules, your team will still suck, Ice.

Jeff said...

Best draft day advice:

Never draft on an empty stomach with a sober mind.

You're Welcome.

Anonymous said...

Eat shit Dut. Nobody saw Jordy Nelson coming last year. My numerous FF titles do not allow me to be phased by your. Stick with grooming your stubble.

I plan on going pin hunting with my 7 iron on every hole tomorrow so we should have some prize for outsanding golf play.

-Damman

The Iceman said...

This will be a redemption year for me, assbags. I can be better. I will be better.

I just wasn't sure if there were any other changes people wanted to see happen. I figured this was probably the best way to discuss it since everyone comes here every day. If not...then carry on.

GMoney said...

Good to see you're able to make that drive to Minerva. Ass.

Unless I missed something, you aren't the commissioner of the MSFL. Know your role and shut your face cunt.

To answer the questions that I asked Iceman:
Peterson is a 2nd round pick and a $35 player. Both rookie QBs are borderline starters and will have terrific fantasy seasons due to garbage time. Stay away from Peyton Manning. He wasn't all that great outdoors before he had a gash for a neck. Maybe he's listening to too much Outlaw Country on XM.

Prime99 said...

Iceman's good enough, smart enough, and doggone it- people like him!

The Iceman said...

I figured I would get things rolling since Ace OBVZ doesn't give a shit. SO FUCKIN SUE ME FOR CARING!!! Geez Louise!

Anonymous said...

For some odd reason I signed up for ESPN Insider today. Not sure what compelled me, or why this is even a topic worth discussing. However, Eric Karabell (who the fuck is that?) will lead me to the promiseland of mediocrity. I plan to finish last yet again in G$'s league.

Dut's league is laughable enough to warrant at least a playoff run. Once again, another hearty fuck you to the man who places an inferior fantasy league (most likely with broads in it) above his own.

Ide

GMoney said...

It's probably some hoity-toity league with all of Dut's country club buddies involved who for some reason don't talk about his mom and sister yet. What an asshole.

Just remember, Iceman, Mr. Ace was you before being you was awful. That made no sense. Whatevs, you both nibble taints.

Daniel said...

I can't wait to bid up Brandon Weeden from all the Browns fans tomorrow.

GMoney said...

The year after Derek Anderson went bananas, I tried to be all cute and do the same thing. When my turn came around, I started the bidding with:

"Derek Anderson...25 bucks!"

No one bid. I was stuck with that dickhead. It was a bad year.

The Iceman said...

Brandon Weedon actually looked serviceable last night. I know it's only preseason, but at this point what do I really have to be excited about when watching Browns football?

Anonymous said...

Remind me on Monday to tell a very classic shit story that happened to me today. George Brett would be pleased.

Ide