Thursday, August 30, 2012

CFB Preview Week Day #4: The Heisman Winner

Is J-Rupe related to Mitch Albom?
This, right here, is a very young J-Rupe.  See, the thing about J-Rupe is that he is a goddamn karate icon.  Look at that mug.  That mug wins karate championships.  This is what the Karate Heisman looks like, people!  What would that award be called anyway?  The Macchio?  Yeah, it would be a golden crane kick figure.  J-Rupe has killed over a hundred men with his martial artistry.  Anyway, today everyone gets to give out their Heisman trophy.

*If you recall, I stripped Matt Barkley of his Weisman Award once he decided to be a selfish prick and return to school pointlessly to sniff more boners.  Matt Barkley is a homo.  Remember how Willie Mays Hays nailed batting gloves to his apartment wall for every stolen base?  Barkley does that, too, but with boners that he has satisfied.  Matt Barkley is a cocksucker.

Damman: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. The best player on the best team who will get all the hype all year is going to win. Plus there is not a whole lot star power among the ELITE teams. Landry Jones is a dark horse.

Drew: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. He's a pretty boy....came back for his Senior year....playing on the #1 team in the nation....playing out in L.A....not many people to challenge him. He's the biggest name on any national championship contender and he'll play up to those expectations. I think he wins in a rout.

The Wig Master: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. This really should have been in yesterday’s post; it’s a bold f’n prediction! (Ok, a little sarcasm there.) But Barkley really is poised to join the ranks of Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart. Expect to see a high-powered offense of Trojans’ past that Snoop would be proud of. Not this mickey mouse Nick Lachey shit! USC is hungry to compete in the postseason and Barkley has the experience and surrounding talent to make a run for the title. Their defense may not provide much support but who really plays defense in the PAC12 anyways.

Li'l Strut: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. This is certainly the obvious pick, but no offense will be as powerful as USC’s. Barkley arguably already had the best WR tandem in the country, but now Silas Redd will join the fold out of the backfield and in the running game. Barkley will dominate and with over 4,000 passing yards and 40 touchdowns on his way to the Heisman.

GSaul: Landry Jones, QB, Oklahoma. Really I just want to hear Billy Sims scream BOOMER over and over again like he did when Sam Bradford won in 2008. The media has already declared Matt Barkley the 2012 Heisman winner, but Jones actually has produced better numbers over his career.

Dut: Matt Barkley, QB, USC. Playing on a loaded team, dude got game, already has the hype... shoe in.

G$: Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina.  I don't care what MUDawg says about him coming back too early.  This cat is a goddamn stud and, in my opinion, the most likely replacement of Trent Richardson on the throne of Best RB in College Football (Fuck Montee Ball). 

Now how about a few predictions:
Boise State +7 @ Michigan State.  THIS is the real game of the weekend.  This is the Gordon Gee Bowl.  Boise State has beaten someone from every big boy conference...except for the Big Ten.  Now they get their chance to shut up all of the lardass midwesterners out there that no nothing about football outside of the rust belt.  This game should be terrific even with both teams breaking in new starting QBs.  The Broncos don't have the highest of expectations this season which is probably exactly what they prefer.  I expect a low scoring game with Boise doing what they do best.  Broncos 20-19.

Michigan +12.5 @ Alabama (it's a road game, stop acting like it isn't).  I just don't see how this is close unless UM is at least +3 in turnover margin.  You know how Denard is fast as shit and can out run most of the horribly slow Big Ten defenses?  Yeah, well, Nick Saban has D-linemen that can run with homeboy.  He's not going to be able to do what he does best.  Denard is going to HAVE to throw.  That's not good.  On offense, AJ McCarron is steady and Eddie Lacy is The Wig Master's boy.  If they played this game ten times, I don't think that Michigan would win any of them.  Does Michigan still have that kicker that looks like a homeless Yokozuna and likes to false start before every FG attempt?  That guy blows.  Alabama 34-20.

I'm sure that those predictions will spark some heavy petting and debate today.  We finish College Football Preview Week by crowning our champions and previewing the Miami/Little Brother game on Saturday. 

45 comments:

MUDawgfan said...

I'm taking a dark horse candidate in Geno Smiff - especially if WVU makes some noise and contends for the BIG XII title.

So ready to drink on Saturday, it's not even funny.

Jeff said...

Tajh Boyd for Heismen after the Clemson's run the National Title game. Hahahahahahaha I can dream.


Sparty won't cover but wins at home 24-20.

I see the UM Bama game going similar to when Bama played a Penn State last year. They toy around with Meesh and everyone can see the Bama is far superior, but Meesh keeps it close in the first half because Bama believes their vanilla offense and sick offensive line will be good enough (It is, they could rush for over 300 yds without having to throw a pass to keep Meesh from stacking the box). Then, in the second half, Bama takes Meesh to the Penn State Showers and for lack of a better term, "Sanduskys" them. 34-10

Anonymous said...

So, people think Barkley is pretty good eh?

Sparty 23
G$'s dumb favorite team 10

Alabama 33
Michigan 16

--Drew

Nate B. said...

No freaking way Boise State beats MSU (or even covers for that matter).

When you return six total starters from the year prior, expect headaches. Although MSU has really nobody to replace Cousins, Le'Veon Bell will have a field day. Dantonio's defenses are usually tough, so don't expect a newbie QB to have a great first game.

MSU 35
BSU 21


Brady said...

I fucking hate Matt Barkley but the dude has too much going for him to miss out on the Heisman.

Boise will keep it close but the physical Spartans will wear them down. Sparty wins 27-20.

Bama has the athletes to win but do they have the experience at key positions to do it against a top ten team right out of the gate? I'm going with a close one. Bama pulls it out, BARELY 30-27.

GMoney said...

Andrew Luck is way better than Barkley, right? Luck had a great season last year, too, and was the Heisman favorite going into the season. Luck barely deserved an invite to NYC. I'll bet anyone a punch in the nuts that Barkley doesn't win the Heisman.

Hating Boise is exactly what they want, homos. When are you going to learn?

Bama lacks experience at key positions? Like their championship QB? I don't understand this. Jeff is right. They are going to beat the shit out of Michigan in the trenches.

I like both Boyd and Smiff. Those are the kinds of players that win the Heisman now. Not boner loving choir boys.

GMoney said...

Also: HOLY SHIT BIG BROTHER!!! Dan is the best player to ever play the game. How he turned Psycho Sid's from a heated enemy to a powerful ally in a day is amazing. LOL Ian's faggy cry face!

Grumpy said...

Dan is the greatest player ever. That was the most brilliant strategy ever conceived and executed. He may not win it all, but should get it for that move alone.

Brady said...

They lost 2 corners, a stud on the DL, their starting ILB and starting safety . Thats going to be tough against a crazy offense. I just think its going to be closer than people think.

Prime99 said...

I'll take Boise against Sparty. I do like both teams and my limited knowledge tells me this one will be close!

Though, if we are keeping it real, the game of the week is Cal opening newly renovated Memorial Stadium vs. Nevada-Reno. It would be funny to see the Wolfpack stomp a mud hole into Cal's chest in the new stadium.

I got McFadden in TE third round of my draft last night. Value!

GMoney said...

You don't need a secondary to beat Michigan. Come on, you know that.

I have decided to actually do something on my vacation today and go to the movies by myself like a fucking creep. I will choose between Dark Knight Rises and Expendables 2. DKR is almost three hours long though and I have never given any money to Dolph Lundgren before. Huh, looks like my decision has been made. Stallone it is!

Prime99 said...

Going to the movies alone is not creepy. It is fucking awesome. You cater to no one but yourself. Food choice, seat choice, movie choice, etc. You are bound by nothing!

Anonymous said...

Best Big Brother episode ever last night. Dan is a badass.

Tigers lost again.

Seal

Anonymous said...



G$...is that nut punch bet real? I think I'd take you up on that.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Nothing to argue here, except I think MSU rolls Boise.

Michigan is clearly the underdog in this game, we'll have to play out of our minds to just keep it close. Michigan is filling holes too...

With that said, FUCK BAMA GO BLUE.

On a side note, there is a Wauseon Indian on the starting OL for the Blue...

- J Saul

Mr. Ace said...

I think Michigan will score. I am worried about RB production, assuming Fitz is sitting out at least a half. But a fresh Denard will make plays. A lot of misdirection and play action to test the young Bama D.

I am worried about our D Line. Bama's O Line is the best in the nation, no questions. Mattison is going to have to take chances and hope that McCarron can't make the big plays. But Michigan will be selling out to stop the run.

When was the last time Boise showed up to a prime time regular season game and didn't perform? They reload. They have talent. Dantonio is a tard. I think Boise can pull it out.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Nate B. Boise State cannot go into East Lansing, at night, and beat Sparty's defense with only 5 offensive starters returning. To make matters worse, the Broncos return only 1 starter in their front 7 on defense. MSU will force turnovers and will pound the ball on offense. It may not be a blowout in the score column, but it will not be as close as it looks. Sparty 31-17.

That Team Up North may hang around for a little bit, due to Denard making a few plays early, but Alabama's O-line is one of the best in the country and going against a UM D-line that has to replace three starters. Eventually Alabama is going to pull away and Denard is going to begin making mistakes as he tries desparately to keep Michigan in the game. You can say what you want about Denard and his speed, but in the end, Alabama's Defense has way more AFFLETES than Michigan's offense. Alabama's offense methodically moves the ball all game and the Tide defense shuts down UM in the 2nd half. Roll Damn Tide 38-20.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Dantonio is far from a tard as his record at MSU has shown.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Nope. Tard.

Bama is going to hang 38? I will take that bet. Not saying Michigan will win, unlikely, but there is no chance Mattison's D will give up that many points. Especially against a "methodical" and "plodding" offense. I would be shocked, SHOCKED!, if Bama breaks 30.

Nate B. said...

It's a shame Michigan's been owned by a tard over the past several years.

Nate B. said...

To Michigan's credit, I think they will fare better against Alabama than what most think. I can't recall the last time Alabama faced a quarterback that can run as well as DR can. I don't see Robinson breaking 100 yards, but I do see him completing a lot of underneath routes on the run. I can see Touissant getting shut down on the run, but doing damage in the flats with Alabama loading the box.

Anonymous said...

Ace,

Would you have guessed OSU's HORRIBLE offense would have put up 39 on Mattison's Magical Defense last year? Didn't think so!

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Since when was Magic Johnson AIDS Stadium a tough place to play? They have performed better recently, but Sparty is still a very choke-y program.

Boise is a better program with better players and a better coach. They'll definitely show up and play well. The experience may be a factor but they know that if they win, they will likely go 12-0 heading into Reno.

How about ten bucks instead of a nut punch? I was just thinking about how much it would suck to get punched in the nuts even with your limp wrists doing it. Although Boner Lover isn't going to win anyway.

JSaul, Mealer is a starter now? That's terrible. Michigan is getting shutout.

Anonymous said...

Nate B.,

I can recall Bama facing a running QB better than Denard. His name was Cam Fucking Newton and he won the Heisman. Saban Defense's have also faced Tim Tenor. Excellent Running QB's are nothing new to Alabama. If they stick to their assignments, as I believe their well coached Defense will, Alabama will have no trouble containing Denard. Bama doesn't even necessarily have to stop Denard. As long as he is contained, Bama's AFFLETIC superiority over the rest of UM's offense will take care of the rest.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Ape derping around about a Mattison defense being ELITE when a more veteran Michigan Mattison defense got pwned by a Bollman offense last year.

You're scared of my nut punching ways, G$?

--Drew

GMoney said...

I'm scared of anyone's nut punching skills. What you call a punch, everyone else would consider an HJ and I don't need that.

Anonymous said...

Yeah he's a projected OL starter...

I love listening to OSU fans fight over Michigan...

I think we can all agree UM is the underdog.....the semantics will play out Saturday. I won't predict Michigan's doom as I believe we have a chance...I just won't share what % chance I really think that is..

- J Saul

Mr. Ace said...

So saying Mattison's D will not give up 38 to Bama is calling it ELITE? Okay.

I will bet Wednesday night $1 vegan tacos at Hal & Al's that Bama does not break 30. Any takers?

The Iceman said...

Boobs.

Everything else has been said except that.

Anonymous said...

Ape. If you want to bet beers instead of tacos, I'm game.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I second that motion!

Mr. Ace said...

Hal & Al's happens to have a plethora of beers as well. I'm down.

Jeff said...

Floyd Mayweather bets $3 Million on Michigan +14. TOTES LOLZ

Hit in the head too many times?

Nope, just another dumb Monday (racist term used by police officer in Portland, Red Sox farm team, towards Carl Crawford) ELITE!!


(Ide, Insert more raciest comment here)

Anonymous said...

Can do! If this offseason has taught us anything, its that racial profiling blacks yeilds results EVERY TIME. Like a fine wine this police practice has gotten better with age.

Side question here: what is the best online gambling site? Ive got my paypal loaded and ready to go but I am a bit of a novice to online gambling. I know this group is lousy with degenerate gamblers, so this should be the place to go for answers.

Id pick BSU but they lost too much to compete with Sparty out of the gates.

Bama 28
UM- 7

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Ide, I know Bodog just changed its name to Bovada and they are supposedly legit...or as legit as you can be.

But I don't know if any site will take PayPal from the US.

I used Superbook.com and WSEX.com in the past and it was fine.

Anonymous said...

I'm looking for a good online gambling site that is easy to take money out of as well.

I've heard that "Legends" is excellent and began setting up an account last night. I'll try to finish the process tonight and report back tomorrow...I reached a point though wehre they wanted me to trace my credit card on a piece of paper. I'm not going to do that. But, supposedly you can bypass that...so, I'm going to try that. I've also heard very good things abotu "5 Dimes". I'm gonna try that one if Legends doesn't work out...or if someone here has a real solid rec.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Last night's BB episode ELITE.

Although, couldn't Dan have achieved the same result by just talking to Frank privately without all the theatrics? I bet his half time speeches for the high school he coaches has nothing to do with football but rather about how the underclassmen can form secret alliances with the seniors.

Where is everyone gathering on Saturday for the drinky?

-Rex

-Rex

Mr. Ace said...

Just fantastic
http://www.sbnation.com/ncaa-football/2012/8/30/3278506/the-2012-college-football-gif-preview-the-big-ten/in/3042639

Anonymous said...

Don't use wsex.com, I am still waiting on my money from them on the Saints Colts super bowl....

They sent me an email about a money order, and when I went to cash it it was outside the window of time and had to have the issuer re-issue. They haven't responded to an email since ($450 bucks)

- J Saul

Grumpy said...

Dan needed to divert everyone's attention to consoling Danielle so they wouldn't notice him talking to Frank.

GMoney said...

And Dan had to establish that he and Danielle were done and thus Britney was the bigger threat. It was a brilliant play even though he fucking DESTROYED her during that "funeral". As soon as he started going on about how the two of them were done, I think that my jaw hit the floor like "ZOMG he is burying the one person in the house that absolutely loves him". And then it all became clear what his plan was...

I've used BetUS before and it's fine (at least it was two years ago). They can be EXTREMELY annoying though with phone calls if you stop wagering for a few weeks. I'm still up in the air if I will be gambling this fall. I didn't really miss it that much last year.

Ide, when are you getting into town?

-Rex, you know damn well that Hineygate is the place to be.

Anonymous said...

I'm probably not going to be in until next week or the week after. My gash of a brother, who lives in NC, is coming up and I'm trying to coordinate trips. Labor Day being ideal for both of us was a go, until earlier this week. He is the worst.

Ide

GMoney said...

Well, he is related to you.

Who else is pumped for some Mike Leach action tonight? Those Mormon closet faggots are about walk the plank.

Anonymous said...

G$..you better come to my tailgate on Saturday or I'm not showing up to the G$FL draft. Consider yourself on notice.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Where is it then? I doubt that I will before the game since I don't want my mom or wife to meet you (understandable).

The Expendables 2 is probably the best movie ever. Arnold said "I'll be back" about 100 times. Each time was equally great.