Tuesday, August 28, 2012

CFB Preview Week Day 2: Sleepers and Creepers

J-Rupe, what is your opinion on Brian Kelly?  Gotcha.  Well said.
After collectively deciding that Michigan is OVERRATED yesterday, today the brain trust is giving you all a lesson on Players to Watch this year and a coach that will be getting shit-canned.  If you thought that everyone would be helpful, then think again.  A few of the homers chose to enlighten the unwashed masses about an unknown small school quarterback named "Braxton Miller".  Haven't heard of him?  Well, you're about to find out a whole lot more!  Because no one has ever heard of that guy!  After making correct points all day yesterday, Ohio fans couldn't help themselves to dip back into their mental illness today.  Just let this be a reminder that Fuckeye fans only know things about their own team and almost no one else.  Let's do this.

Damman: Player To Watch – Braxton Miller, Ohio State. You know I couldn’t resist throwing a Buckeye into the mix. He actually has competent offensive coaching this year. The offensive line will no longer be a joke. This Buckeye offense is going to be leaps and bounds better than last year (would not take much). Getting extensive experience last year will help a lot. I am concerned with the stable of wide receivers or lack thereof but I’m going to assume they will step up as well. This kid’s growth is gonna be fun to watch.
Coach Fired Derek Dooley, Tennessee. This guy is just awful. The Tennessee fan base also thinks that they are a much better program than they really are. I mean, what have they ever won other than a fluke title in 1998 in which Ohio State was by far the best team? They will run this poor schmuck out of town before season’s end.

Drew: Player To Watch - Stefon Diggs, WR/KR, Maryland. The kid has Ted Ginn Jr. type electricity in the return game. His highlight reels will be fun weekly to see....and the reason you'll see them is because he will be the only Maryland highlight in any games.
Coach Fired - Jeff Tedford, Cal. There actually appears to be a ton of guys in solid footing this year for the top 25 teams this year. Anybody that picks interim John L. Smith should not be counted either. I'll go with California coach Jeff Tedford. There are a ton of new coaches in the Pac-10 and Cal has gone from a very solid program to a very mediocre one over the last couple of years. They will be mediocre once again this year...and the alumni will put a lot of pressure on the administration after seeing a lot of their fellow Pac-10 teams move to something new.

The Wig Master: Player To Watch - Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama. G Funk asked for one player to watch out for…I will disregard his Taliban-like control and drop a few nuggs on ya: Landry "Lance" Jones is being overlooked. Lance certainly has Heisman potential.I also think the guy that will shock is Eddie Lacy, RB Bama. Ingram was great, Trent was better, Lacy might be better than Trent. He will explode this year. Finally, don't sleep on that WVU offense either, Geno and Tavon are going to put up some serious stats.
Coach Fired - Frank Spaziani, Boston College. After going 4-8 last year and .500 for his three years at Boston College, Frank Spaziani and his mustache will be relieved of their head coaching duties this year. I don’t think that the BC fans ask for much! Frank, however, has provided very little…even going 0-3 against Notre Dame. Adios muchacho.

Li'l Strut: Player To Watch - Marqise Lee, WR, USC. I want to say Braxton Miller, but since others will, I will go with Lee. USC is going to be an offensive machine this year. As a true freshman, Lee had 73 rec., 1143 yds, and 11 TD’slast year. Look for those numbers to rise with Lee, and his fellow Trojan WR Robert Woods both earning All-American honors.
Coach Fired - Brian Kelly, Notre Dame. The time has come to put up or shut up. ND always has great recruits, so talent is not an excuse. The fans are fed-up and, unfortunately for Brian Kelly, the Irish schedule is probably the toughest in the nation. Sparty, Michigan, Da U, Stanford, Oklahoma, and USC could all be losses. We all know ND will lose to someone it is not supposed to, as well. The Irish will end the season 7-5, at best, and Brian Kelly will be gone.

GSaul: Player To Watch - James Franklin, QB, Missouri. Franklin (6’2”, 225) – think Denard Robinson on steroids – averaged 75 rushing yards and tallied a 139.1 passer rating per Big 12 conference game last year. With Missouri moving to the SEC, Franklin’s talents will be on display for everyone to see and he will easily earn his place in the conversation among the best dual-threat quarterbacks.
Coach Fired - Derek Dooley, Tennessee. He’s 11-14 in his first two seasons with the Vols. This is a classic Rich Rod “Three and Out” situation, but I won’t be buying Dooley’s book. I’d like to blame most of this on Lane Kiffin, but a third losing season would be unacceptable, especially in the SEC.

Dut: Player To Watch - Braxton Miller, QB, Ohio State. Fuck it, I'm going with a homer pick in Braxton Miller. He showed flashes last year while getting thrown into the fire with below average coaching. Urban Meyer's track record with QB's is stellar (Josh Harris, Alex Smiff, Chris Leak, Tebow). He will contend for B1G offensive player of the year.
Coach Fired - John L. Smith, Arkansas. The normal cast of characters (Zook and Weis) have no chance, so I gotta dig deep here. I'm going with John L Smith at Ar-Kansas. I think people are underestimating how much of an impact Bobby Petrino had, even if he is terrible at driving motorcycles/cheating on his wife. One thing John L Smith was good at while at Michigan State was blowing games (and dicks). With Petrino-like expectations and not having Petrino-like skills, I don't see this ending well.

G$: Player To Watch - Le'Veon Bell, RB, Michigan State. - The Columbus product is about to go HAM on the rest of the Big Ten.  I say this because he is a good player and, after losing Kirk Cousins, this year's Sparty team is about to become the 2002 Ohio State team incarnate.  They are going to run the ball 60 times a game and rely heavily on a nasty defense.  And you know what, it's going to work.
Coach Fired - Derek Dooley, Tennessee.  This guy could fuck up a cup of coffee.  He has no business being employed by anyone.  As the new label that I created today says, Derek Dooley eats from the toilet.

Take your shots at stupid Buckeye fans like Damman and Dut today.  They left themselves wide open for your hate.  Tomorrow, we will get into Bold Predictions which can only mean one thing:  GSaul's annual update on Duke football!!!

35 comments:

Grumpy said...

Damman and Dut can't think outside their very small box. At least Drew uses his brain.

Anonymous said...

I USE MY BRAIN!!!!!!!!

--Drew

GMoney said...

I can't wait for the day that Notre Dame fires Brian Kelly. I only respect "turd-free" programs like Arizona.

Anonymous said...

You will all be worshiping at the feet of Braxton by years end. Book it.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Only because NOW we know all about him.

Prime99 said...

Braxton Miller could go undefeated, walk on water, and feed a crowd of thousands with 5 fish and 2 loaves of bread and would still not be worshipped by me.

I'm not sure Tedford will get the axe. Cal is certainly worse these days, but much like Thorogood Jenkins, they need to think back about the last girl they slept with before Mary Jane (Cal was Washington State before Tedford got there) and they've got to keep him around!

MuDawgfan said...

Nobody worships at the feet of any player whose program is inelible for bowl season.
Next year, perhaps...

I feel like Jimbo Fisher could get the AXE if FSU doesn't make a significant push for the ACC championship. He's a sleeper pick.

Georgia Tech has never won a bowl game under Paul Johnson and had their ACC title taken away from them. Breaking in a new QB as RS Freshman could lead to mistakes. A loosing season could get CPJ canned.

MuDawgfan said...

ineligible*

Anonymous said...

You'll see Prime! You'll see! After Marshawn Lynch gets arrested again and gets a year ban from the NFL....he will come home to his alma mater and take over the head coaching duties.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Thank your for not picking Ohio players, Drew. It's why we don't rip on you for fucking fat girls like we do with Damman. I actually agree with you 100% on your Stefon Diggs pick. The guy sprints around like the road runner. My only concern with him is he seems like a bit of a head case. Wasn't he the guy who scheduled an official announcement at his high school then never showed up for it? I think I have the right dude.

Damman and Dut's bold prediction for tomorrow...OHIO GOES UNDEFEATED!!!!! You guys are fuckin clowns. Try talking about something other than Fuckeye football for once.

MUDawgfan said...

http://www.ajc.com/news/fayette/walking-dead-actor-charged-1507695.html?cxntlid=thbz_hm


Walking Dead Fans - apparently the grizzled/dumbass farmer Herschel was arrested last night for a DUI.

GMoney said...

I have a hard time buying into Diggs only because Randy Edsall is fucking terrible (and should have made someone's fire list). Anybody that CHOSE to play for Edsall will end up in jail by the end of the year.

Dawg will apparently be in Columbus this weekend. If you hear someone start and SEC chant at the bar then that is him (or so I've been told). Good luck finding a bar that will put the Buffalo/UGA game on TV though.

Tuesday without Iceman...embrace it!

Anonymous said...

Iceman...not gonna lie...two of my bold predictions are OSU-related tomorrow. I kind of brain farted on those. Neither are an undefeated season tho.

The headcase you are thinking of is Devonta Neal....WR from Arizona that ended up signing with ND. He was supposed to make his announcement at his old elementary school. They had a school assembly for it....showed some ridiculous like 30 minute highlight reel to the kids and then he never showed. Another good reason to hate ND.

That being said, Stefon Diggs is most definitely a head case. Diggs also sports a blonde mohawk....pretty ELITE for a black guy.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

To be fair, I've definitely heard Tedford's position is tenuous, but again, their program was an embarrassing mess of dog diaherria before Tedford, so they need to be careful with what they do. If they could replace him with Bane Kiffin, then I say do it! Otherwise, they should stay put.

GMoney said...

In case you were unaware, Prime has been hired by me to be our Cal Football beat reporter. Which means that he'll be coming "home" in two weeks to cover the Bears/Fuckeyes game! I knew that I could get you back somehow and now you will never leave!!!

The Iceman said...

Since Diggs has a blonde mohawk can we assume he has a drug problem? Tyrann Mathieu ruined blonde mohawks for the black community just like Jimmy Fallon ruined Saturday Night Live for everyone who owns a TV.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I would assume Diggs likes to smoke the weed.

I always said that the Money Shot was lacking a Cal Football beat writer.

--Drew

Brady said...

I've got tickets to that Cal/OSU game. My first live football this year! I look forward to Prime's Cal report.

I remember laughing when Stefon Diggs chose Maryland. Great pick douchebag.

Prime99 said...

This is great news! G$- do I submit my expense report to you?

MuDawgfan said...

G$ has been kind enough to recommend some bars to watch the game. I'll be with friends of my fiance so I would imagine we'll be up early at the tailgate then head to a bar around 12:00pm to catch the action (they don't have tickets).

Demanding that my better half takes me to the Ohio Deli or Katzingers prior to the drive home on Sunday.

Hoping beyond hope to stay up late on Saturday to catch the Alabama game or Auburn vs. Clemson, but having a drinky morning might prevent it.

Anonymous said...

Icemann, I wrote the Braxton write up with you in mind, knowing you would love it. I did very little (none) research on that topic, so blow me.

The rest of the week is Ohio State free from me so you and Grumpy can pull your bloody tampons out.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Honestly, though, who here legitimately thinks Braxton Miller will not have a breakout season? Compared to last season, I don't think its unrealistic for him to put up 2,400 passing yards and 800 rushing yards with around 30 total TD's. Thats only 200/66/2.5 game. In this offense, that is realistic and its a pretty badass year that may set him up for a Heisman run next year. To me, thats the definition of a breakout season.

With that being said, I respect the commentariat enough to have done a little more research than the first person that popped into my head.

-Lil' Strut

Brady said...

Damman bringing the THUNDER! I like it. It must be all that pent up agression the Indians have caused this year.

Mr. Ace said...

LS, I would like to bet you 1 million dollars that Braxton does not average 200 passing ypg. Not a fucking chance.

Anonymous said...

Seeing as how that is a sucker's bet, Ace, because you don't have 1 million dollars, I reject your bet.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I just realized that Dut picked Braxton AND John L. Smith. He used roughly 0% brain power to make those decisions. "I'll pick that interim coach at Arkansas to be the one fired".

Ape....I'll bet you 6,000 lbs of tofu that he does! I'll even throw in a big vibrator for you wife to make up for that cock you lost somewhere in the last 12-18 months.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Can you rename this week to 'pointless OSU homer predictions with some other non-researched stupidity sprinkled in'? At least it would make sense then...Drew obliged for today, but sounds like we got some more pointless insight in store for tomorrow...

- J Saul

Mr. Ace said...

6,000 lbs of tofu is enough to get me through winter, barely.

If you give my wife your vibrator then what will you use for your giant gash?

Brady said...

I don't see why Braxton can't average 200 yards. It's not like that is a crazy amount of yardage. Especially since Urban will be running the hurry up this season. That has to account for another 10-20 plays per game right?

GMoney said...

I see why Braxton won't average 200 yards per game. He isn't an ELITE passer and has very few weapons in the passing game. He has a better shot averaging 200 yards rushing. Go ahead and keep talking yourself into whatever a Philly Brown is though.

Lowe's guys are here to install my new water heater. Hopefully, this is just like a porno when the repair guy shows up.

Brady said...

He doesn't need ELITE receivers all over the field to get 200 a game. A quick passing attack and his feet buying time should enable plenty of opportunity for big plays down the field. I agree Miller isn't a prototypical QB but he is a far cry from Bauserman. I think 200 yards is well within reach this season.

Grumpy said...

"Lowe's guys are here to install my new water heater. Hopefully, this is just like a porno when the repair guy shows up."

I needed that laugh.

Anonymous said...

Ape....silly question....I'll use your wife's massive clit. Tribadism is alive and well my friend.

Braxton is going to average 732.3 yards passing a game.

--Drew

GMoney said...

This Lowe's guy is an UGGO.

Skins cut Chris Cooley today. No word on the future of his hot ass wife. Skins also cut Graham Gano and sign Billy Cundiff (HUGE upgrade). Well, just as long as we don't find ourselves in the AFC Title Game anytime soon.

Grumpy said...

I think Drew meant 73.3.