Tuesday, August 21, 2012

BASKETBALL!! Just Kidding...Or Am I?

                    "Thirty two ounces of Lane Kiffin's semen!?  My favorite!!"




No cute little story to get things started off today.  Just a hodgepodge of shit.  I'm just gonna thrust it in you with no lube and hope that I tear something vital.

-Roger Clemens is making a return to baseball.  I'm sorry...I didn't know there was still a demand for 50 year old limp dicked pitchers with pudding tits.  Normally I hate all things baseball but this was just too tasty to pass up.  Are you fucking kidding me right now!?  Fifty motherfucking years old and you can't find anything else better to do with your time than embarrass yourself while moonballing 87 MPH fastballs to people half your age?  Clemens is fucking clown shoes.  I hope he dies.  Literally.

-Sticking with the steroids theme, the Bills have cut Shawne Merriman leaving him plenty of time to wonder if juicing was worth having baby nuts for the rest of his life.  I would say this is tragic but I have no sympathy for shit bags who break rules, then lie about the rule they broke.  Remember when this guy was virtually unblockable five or six years ago?  Now he's just a dried up, pathetic near non-story that just got cut by one of the most hilariously inept franchises in all of sports.  See you at Waffle House, Shawne...and remember when I'm hammered that I like chocolate chips in my pancakes, bitch.

-DeSean Jackson is a cry baby piece of shit fucking faggot.  Great message to send to kids, cock face.  If you don't get want you want, whine like a little bitch and take plays off until you get your way.  Fuck this guy.  I can't stand people who think they're worth more than they really are.  The Eagles should have just let this fucking head case walk when they had the chance.  Now they have an overpaid, average WR with the attitude of T.O. and the mouth of Freddie Mitchell.  Enjoy that bullshit.  He'll probably be on the Browns in four years.

-The MoneyShot's favorite Badger, Rusty Wilson, is tearing it up in preseason so far and sparking debates on whether or not he should overtake Matt Flynn as the starter.  Not huge news...just nice to see Rusty doing so well.  He'll have Flynn's job sooner rather than later since Flynn is an overpaid Kevin Kolb type.  So naturally Colon Cowfucker loves Flynn and his "potential".  TRANSCENDENT!!!

-Speaking of the worst radio host of all time, my new favorite thing to do is tweet Colon Cowfucker every time he was wrong about something he INSISTED he couldn't be wrong about.  Just recently I left this truth nugget.

"Kevin Kolb looks like a backup arena league QB. I love it when blowhards like are dead wrong.  

This will be my first tweet in a series of tweets that will gradually get more and more offensive.  My goal is to eventually piss him off to the point where he starts taking jabs back at me.  I'll keep everyone updated on my new mission.  But for real...Kevin Kolb looks fucking terrible.  Have fun absorbing that LOLZ contract, Arizona.

That's it for me today.  A nice little football/baseball grab bag for all you bitch faces who cry about basketball in August.  You guys should all take turns sucking DeSean Jackson's bumpy dick for questioning my ELITE topic picking skills.  Now piss off while I take more 5th grade cheap shots at Mr. Cowfucker.

28 comments:

Grumpy said...

I love the tweets at Cowherd. He is a moron.

GMoney said...

Hmmmm, that may be the first positive I've seen regarding Twitter: trolling Cowherd with his own stupidity. Keep at it, I say. You will probably want to become a big John Wall fan though.

Mike Vick hurt AGAIN this preseason. LOL! The Curse of Garrett is dominating!

I mentioned this at the Draft on Saturday but ESPN ran one of those My Wish things but they had some dying kid meet DeSean Jackson instead of someone worth being a role model. It was pathetic. That kid probably died the next day.

I am now FB friends with Tonya. ELITE! I may or may not have cleaned out the pipes multiple times last night because of this recent development. And she, apparently, is now friends with J-RUPE!

Tonya said...

Of course I'm friends with J-Rupe! Who doesn't enjoy a good time?

Mr. Ace said...

White Sox > Yankees

Anonymous said...

Iceman, I fully support your potential war of words with Cowturd. I will be tracking it closely. Although he will dismiss as a "meatball" as is customary with him.

Do you think Tonya being on facebook will be the straw that broke the camel's back for Drew to join facebook?

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Russell Wilson couldn't beat the worst Ohio State team in 100 years...LOLZ! Seahawks gonna be turrible.

Could Brady take Desean Jackson in a 40?

So, not only do you listen to Colin Cowherd...you know tweet at him. He's consuming quite a bit of your life....very sad.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Damman...come on son...that ain't happening and it's hilarious that you think Tonya of all people being on it would be the reason for it to happen.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I have no choice but to listen to Cowturd, Drew. It's the only sports radio I get at work/in my car. If I'm being forced into terrible radio, the least I can do is publicly call him out on his stupid comments.

DeSean Jackson would barely beat Brady in. 40...but would get smoked by Josh Radel.

Do the Eagles still have that Kafka fella as their backup? They'll be fine. LOLZ!

Prime99 said...

I was just going to say the same thing, Drew. Cowherd is winning the war based on Iceman's hate/consumption. That said, I'll throw wild accusations at the Turd via Twitter. That does sound fun.

You are looking at a DeSean Jackson owner right here. Between him and Moss, my bench WRs have the worst attitude. I should've picked up TO as well.

My Paypal advice on the FB group is ELITE, but I definitely chuckled at Ide's and Damman's comments. Well played.

GMoney said...

Ace, I'm rooting for the White Sox to sweep the Yankees this week because fuck the Tigers.

Cowherd may eventually refer to you as a "booger eater" as well. Hard to argue that.

Tonya said...

Wow boys, I've never felt so popular in my life! And C'mon Drew, what the hell is that supposed to mean? I thought you of all people would have my back!

GMoney said...

I've already come up with 185 questions for that Nick Lachey interview that you promised everyone...

tlachey said...

I didn't promise anything, I said I would see what I could do. And after his stint on Stars Earn Stripes last night, I'm not too sure you're going to want that interview anymore!

tlachey said...

P.S. Is that the true reason you wanted to be Facebook friends?

Mr. Ace said...

Fucking creeps.

Brady said...

Im on board with a cowherd Twitter assault. That sounds mildly entertaining. Although he must get loads of shit tossed his way all the time vía Twitter. you will have to really seperate yourself to get noticed and possibly blocked. I have faith you can do it.

I could totes take Jackson in the 40 because tears aren't aerodynamic.

Grumpy said...

Tonya is also Facebook friends with Dut, Brady and Iceman. Not like she's picky.

Prime99 said...

Don't forget me, Grump!

tlachey said...

Wow Grumpy... I like people, what can I say? And when you get numerous requests within a 2 hour period, ya kinda know where they are all coming from. Don't hate!

GMoney said...

Prime and Ide, are you still waiting for J-Rupe to approve you? If he hasn't yet then you are really pathetic.

Anonymous said...

Im on the J-Rupe train. Just myspace pics so far. Im waiting for some sadness.

Ide

The Iceman said...

I saw Ide was approved by J-Rupe. I'm just waiting for the storm to hit now.

Brady...in order to separate myself I may start referring to him as Cowfucker on every shot. Eventually that should get his attention.

GMoney said...

Tell him that he lacks TRANSCENDENCE. That will infuriate him.

Anonymous said...

So on Friday, I decided to leave work early. Draft weekend, shit to do, earlier possibility of drinking, etc. So on my way home I stopped into a store to grab a new shirt or something of the like. Around this time, I feel a shit coming on. NBD.

Well, as I proceed to check out, I realize this wasn't going to be a normal, everyday run of the mill shit, this was going to be liquid hell. The pain was in the lower back and you could tell it was going to be spicy.

The problem with this, is that I was a good 20 blocks from my house, and every minute that passed seemed like a new log was added to the fire. Since public bathrooms in NYC are about as rare as Damman hitting on a girl without substantial birthing hips, I was in a pickle. But wait! I had a gym branch just 2 blocks away, score!

So I ditched the clothes and shuffled, very hurriedly to my gym. Now these assholes are all about grandeur I guess, because they have this massive spiral staircase you must climb to get to the locker rooms. Faggotry. So, by this time it is definitely going to be a photo finish. I am painfully and slowly making my way up to the locker room.

Now, I'm not sure what it is about my mind and shitting, but my body know exactly how far a toilet is, and reacts accordingly. Seriously, like every shit gets worse when I am walking to the bathroom. Clever colons.

So, I am in the clear, I think and I am all of 6 feet from the toilet, I can see it, freedom is near. Only problem is, my ass isn't waiting for that. So the but clenches tight. I am at a stand still, in the middle of a locker room in front of the showers. Fuck. Not a good look.

So, I take one step and I fart kind of loudly. Oh well, it's a locker room, but this does draw attention to my crab walk. Except this was no fart. Full on shart. By my second stop, things got rough, I had just realized I just shit my pants.

Well, nothing to worry about now I raced to the bathroom and it came out of me like an explosion. I think I was done by the time my ass hit porcelain. It literally sounded like someone was throwing up.

Thankfully, my pants remained clean, but my underwear had taken one for the team. No way those were going back home with me, and no way I was putting those back on. Plus the place now smelled like a Hiney Gate portapotty. Wiping was a bit rough, and I probably overdid it, but even after 16 wipes I was receiving new results. So, I ran to the showers and finished up then disposed of the shitstained drawers in the local receptacle and booked it the fuck out of there.

Turns out that I had ate something foul and had explosive diarrhea. It did visit me a few times later, but I was at home and safe. George Brett's story was better and more vulgar, but no less high fiveable.

Ide

Brady said...

Definitely need to throw in some Matt Barkley jabs too. That will really get his attention.

I feel like "Cowfucker" has probably been used alot. We really need to think outside the box when trying to come up with a name. I'm sure the commentariat can help with this issue.

GMoney said...

Great story, Ide, my favorite part was when you shit your pants. Were you groped by Nasty Nate this time?

Anonymous said...

I'll bet Nasty Nate could smell Ide's shit from a mile away. He probably got out of there just in time. I'll bet Ide's boxers are Nasty Nate's new cum rag.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Very good story Ide. My condolences to your underwear.

--Drew