Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Angry Rant: Amputees and Motorized Bicycles

Hey buddy, I'm not sure how much calf stretches are going to help you.
I just realized something very serious regarding this site: we have an actual amputee in the news cycle right now and we have yet to talk about it. This blog is designed specifically to talk about freaks so why haven’t we yet? If anything, this corner of the internet should be nothing BUT amputees. Well, dammit, that needs to change and (obviously) it will.

With the swimming and gymnastics portion of The Olympics over with, the focus has shifted to the “pitch”, the court, and the track. While a lot of fucktards out there are writing about whether or not Usain Bolt could play wide receiver (DERP! He can’t!), I will focus on the legless portion of the running events, South African Oscar Pistorius. We’ve all seen the guy with his strange plastic J legs that makes it look like he’s running on paper clips. But the dude is fast. I don’t know how he lost his legs so I will just assume that it was a shark attack. While I watch this double amputee compete at the highest level in his sport, I can’t help but internally ask myself if he should be there. I think that that is a fair question; albeit a tough and definitely insensitive one to ask. But that is why you love, respect, desire, and admire me…because I am not afraid to ask the tough question, motherfucker.

Do those prosthetics provide any sort of advantage? My wife used to run in high school and was pretty good at it but would get derailed by crippling shin splints. Those aren’t an issue if you have no shins though (flawless logic!). The IOC seems to think that Pistorius has no competitive advantage but I am smarter than them so I am demanding that this guy be banned from Olympic competition until we know more about these damn things. Is it fair to him? Not really, but it’s fair to those people that he is competing against. It’s sort of like how old timers would talk about black people having extra muscles in their legs which allowed them to run faster. Again, not really, but I just wanted to mention that stupid stereotype.

I’m sure that Grumpy will definitely be 100% against me on this topic but I’m ready to fight. I like my Olympians to be 100% skin and bones; not 25% robot. This is what the Paralympics are for. This is why everyday players are MVPs. You already have your award, LarrytheCablelander. Would it be fair if I drove a motorcycle in the Tour de France? No, but it would be hilarious since I don’t know how to do that and cyclists are pussies anyway. Get fucked, Oscar Pistorius and be thankful that I don’t send you to the Special Olympics. Hey, how about another rant on this fine Wednesday? Since I just mentioned motorcycles a few sentences back, let’s get all fired up about those assholes. ELITE transitions: they come naturally to me.

With all due respect to the Sons of Anarchy, I really hate motorcyclists. They are a bunch of fucking assholes (see: Petrino, Bobby). For example, yesterday I’m trying to find a place to park at the office, I see one and start to pull in, only to find some cocksucker had his generic blue Harley in that space already. Look, I don’t know the rules for parking motorcycles but those spaces are designed for fucking cars. Specifically, MY fucking car and not your motorized Schwinn. If you want to feel the wind through your rat tail; that’s fine, but you don’t get to pick the spot in which you park. You go to the back of the lot and let the heavy machinery do the fancy parkin’.

Another thing, name three things more infuriating than being stuck in traffic on the highway only to have three motorcycles zoom by you on the side of the road or in between lanes. FUCK THESE PEOPLE. You don’t get to go around gridlock just because you have two less wheels. I wish that citizen’s arrest was a real thing. I HATE seeing this. It makes me root for them to cause a future accident that I have to sit through while the next wave of assholes pass by me. FUCK! IT WILL NEVER END!

And what’s the deal with those bikes with the really high handle bars? Those things can’t be comfortable. Try holding your arms out above your shoulder height…did you make it past 10 seconds? I doubt it. Why would anyone buy something like this? Again, these people are assholes.

Finally, have you seen those bumper stickers that tell you--the responsible motorist--to watch out for motorcyclists with the emphasis on saving a life? Fuck that. Maybe they should stop weaving in and out of lanes without signaling and not drive like a bunch of cocksucking salad tossers. I can tell you one thing: hitting a guy on a motorcycle is never an accident. It’s always because they have left the other drivers on the road with no other choice.

In conclusion, the South African amputee should not be in The Olympics because of his bionic legs and G$ hates motorcycles. What a well-rounded day of hate this turned out to be! And I didn’t even talk about The Iceman.


Anonymous said...

Your rant about motorcycles reminds me of the south park episode The F word. Elite.


MUDawgfan said...

That amputee rant reminds me of that PGA Tour golfer who won the right to ride a cart instead of walking the course because of a crippling degenerative disorder in his legs.
Boy did that asshole Rick Reilly write a sanctamonius article ripping Jack and Arnie and all the old school golfers for opposing his use of the golf cart.

Bottom line, that golfer can't make a cut anymore and I'm sure has taken his life in another direction. I advise ignorning the amputee, he'll go away in 5 days when nobody gives a shit about track and field anymore.

MuDawgfan said...

By the by - Ryan Lochte and Lolo Jones can have their pictures placed above the mantle for "Choke Job" Hall of Fame.
Right next to the Buffalo Bills, the 96 Atlanta Braves, C-Web, Greg Norman and the Jews.

GMoney said...

Casey Martin was actually in the US Open this year and played OK for a guy that can't walk.

The Iceman said...

An unfair advantage? I'll quote Katt Williams. "Are you talkin about the motherfucker with no God damn legs? Poor little Tink Tink."

I know a couple of amputees. Don't worry...I'm not gonna get all self righteous and cry about you making fun of them like that one guy who showed up for only 1 day to lecture us about using retard so much. Because I make fun of them too. Amputees usually have a pretty sick sense of humor. But I will say that once you get a leg amputated you never walk right again even with prothsetics. It may look normal to us but we don't understand how much extra effort they put in to make it look that way. Running is the same deal. Plus all the pressure being put on their little nuggets stubs produces a pain that beats shin splints by about a thousand percent. Trust me, having those bent back paper clips is no advantage because every time one hits the ground it sends a wave of pain through his legs and up through the torso. I say let the fucker compete. He's worked 100 times harder than anyone out there and he deserves the chance. And's not like he'll ever win. So what's the harm?

GMoney said...

Trust me, having those bent back paper clips is no advantage because every time one hits the ground it sends a wave of pain through his legs and up through the torso.

I'm not going to "trust you" when you have fully functioning legs. You don't know shit. You'll be sucking my dick in four years when Cleatus the FOX football robot becomes the fastest "man" alive.

Pistorius will have a fine career in amputee porn waiting for him though. There's a nice niche market for that.

Anonymous said...

Casey Martin is the head golf coach at Oregon......the more you know.

Get off your fucking high horse Iceman. I was running on the treadmill on Saturday morning and was watching some early heats. The first race I saw was the man with the paperclips. It took THREE more races before I saw another white man in those heats. That's all the info I needed abotu the paperclips. Fuck that guy. The top American 400 sprinter pulled up lame with hammy and was out....I'm sure other guys strain their calf, etc. If this guy strains his mechanical calf do they just put a new screw in? Fuck the paperclip runner.

I hate bicycles more than I hate motorcycles (not a fan of motorcycles either). There is nothing worse than driving behind a bicyclist that is driving like 5 feet from the curb and you can't figure out how to pass him without possibly clipping him/her. I hate bicyclists. The good part is that once this Pelotonia thing is over Saturday the bike congestion in Columbus will go wayyyyyy down.

The thing I hate most about motorcycle drivers is that in Ohio they aren't required to wear a helmet. How fucking stupid is that. Hot damn Ohio get your shit together and make these retards wear a helmet. Part of me likes it, because if they get their brains splattered they deserve it. But, I'm sure the costs outweigh the benefit of these people dying/becoming retarded.


Mr. Ace said...

Iceman, but what if he did win? Would that change your mind? I think it would for me. I don't have a problem with him running, but I don't think I would feel the same way if he came out and set a World Record.

G$, don't be a pussy.
-Million Dollar Man.

Grumpy said...

I have a close friend who is an amputee. If your comments are meant to be funny, they're not; if they're meant to be serious, you sound like immature 7th graders.

GMoney said...

Was I being a pussy? I'm all COCK AND BALLS all the time.

Good point, Drew. It is mandatory to wear seatbelts and for stupid kids to wear helmets when they have training wheels on their Huffy's, so why are these assholes allowed to go helmet free? Is there actually a lobby in Ohio fighting for "the wind through my hair" over safety?

Do you know anyone with a motorcycle? They are absolutely awful to talk to from Spring to Fall. It is ALL that they talk about. My next door neighbor who is a great guy has one and it is so fucking annoying when he leaves/comes home because the thing is loud as fuck. GET OFF MY LAWN!

GMoney said...

I knew that this was bound to happen. I wasn't going to make it through today unscathed. In no way did I imply that amputees should be rounded up and murdered just that, in this case, I don't feel like this guy should be allowed to compete in The Olympics. Plus, additional awesome jokes.

Repeat: I am in no way saying that amputees are horrible and worthless.

Anonymous said...

Holy Overreaction Grumpy. It's immature to think that this guy and his mechanical legs shouldn't be able to run against people with real legs? That's not's an opinion and it's not an outrageous opinion either.

G$...There has to be some group that fights to keep helmets off. It goes against all common sense that there isn't a law requiring them to wear helmets. They are required to in Michigan. According to my friend Google, only 20 states require motorcycle helmets.


Nate B. said...

I've got a client that lights up and smokes with his toes like it's nobody's business. To this day, he laughs off the farming accident that claimed both his arms. I'd say most amputees I've met feel pretty comfortable about being a center of conversation / jokes.

If anything, including amputees in the banter should make them feel closer to normal than avoiding the conversation altogether. I don't get the sensitivity towards harmless jokes.

Plus, a great analogy involving Cleatus the FOX Robot made it's way into the posts.

The Iceman said...

"I'm not going to "trust you" when you have fully functioning legs"

How about you can trust me because I've been told from the mouth from a fucking amputee how painful it is to walk/run? Is that good enough or do you want their number so you can hear it yourself?

Ace, I would feel the same even if he did set a record and win. It's not easy for that guy to do what he's doing...even with the Lt. Dan magic legs. Not only does he have to be physically stronger than everyone else, he has to be mentally stronger to push through the pain we know nothing about when we run. Where shin splints and pulled hammys will heal, his legs aren't growing back. So that pain will be with him for the rest of his life. The guy's worked his balls off to get where he is. And isn't that what we want from people?

It's not a high horse, Drew. It's medical fact that amputees have a harder time doing the things able bodied people do every single day. Just because this guy wanted it more than any other person on the planet we should eliminate him from competing? I just don't see what the big deal is. Not to mention the fact that even if he did set a record some huge, fast black dude would just come back and break it the next olympics, anyway.

Prime99 said...

How dare you besmirch the memory of (Hall Of Famer) Ron Santo!!!!

It would be tough to reconcile the issue if he broke the world record or won the Gold. It's a Catch 22, because if he doesn't win, m ok with him competing.

I completely agree with Lange about your rant reminding me of the South Park episode.

GMoney said...

I don't have the stats to back it up, but I would bet that 90% of all amputees prefer to be called "Stubby".

Nate, if a guy can smoke with his feet then he should be allowed to light up in restaurants and bars. That would be a tremendous watch.

I am friends with a handful of Albanian prostitutes that only do fisting. They say that it hurts like a bitch. They said it directly to me. That does not make me an expert on someone else's pain threshhold. You're over-stepping your authority here. Neither you or I know what it's like to have a limb cut off, but feel free to get fisted.

Anonymous said...

"I am friends with a handful of Albanian prostitutes that only do fisting. They say that it hurts like a bitch. They said it directly to me. That does not make me an expert on someone else's pain threshhold. You're over-stepping your authority here. Neither you or I know what it's like to have a limb cut off, but feel free to get fisted."

This is hands down the greatest few lines I have ever read on this blog. Well done.


Anonymous said...

Iceman....I would like that number. I'd also like to have the numbers of 149 other amputees, so taht I can have a sample size greater than 1 to make such a conclusion.

If blade runner set a record or won a medal, there would have to be an asterik next to it. That's all that needs to be said.


The Iceman said...

"That does not make me an expert on someone else's pain threshhold. You're over-stepping your authority here. Neither you or I know what it's like to have a limb cut off"

You're right. I don't. But I can't imagine it tickles. I also can't imagine the nerve pain they experience because of it is very fucking pleasent either. You know...I've never been bitten by a shark or hit by a train, either. But I'm gonna take a stab and say that it hurts pretty God damn bad regardless of what your pain threshold may be. Unless you happen to be Hancock or Superman. Is it fair to put losing a motherfucking limb/nerve pain in the same category? I would hope so.

Anonymous said...

Ill hop on the small bandwagon (rickshaw?) here. Fuck the amputees. No ankles. Mention running all you want but no mention of feet or ankles? Pretty instrumental in running and these guys get to eschew it all together. They are more aerodynamic and weigh less. Thats horseshit.

Counterpoint. If black folk are to have that extra bone/ligament/joint in their foot (as proven by the lack of white runners ever) then these guys deserve credit for circumventing nature. And, lols to anyone who gets beat in a foot race to a legless man. Pussies.

Motorcycles. Now I have a great disdain for these fucks. I can appreciate the Harley and those that ride it on the weekend or appropriate rally. It ends there. All the afformentioned reasons and plus the big one: the trash culture that it spawned. Crotch rockets are the worst and so are the people who drive them.

True story: a girl i used to work with had a boyfriend that was paralyzed from running a red light in his motorcycle and got nailed (beautifully I imagine). I laughed hard out lout and made a comment that they get what they deserve. She stopped talking to me after that.

All this talk if anputees and not one mention of Jim Abbott. This might as well be Yardbarker.


Anonymous said...

Just a heads up, but Pistorius wasn't allowed to compete in the 2008 Olympics because the IOC was worried that he would have a competetive advantage. After the games a study was done by a number of enginers, including one from MIT, that found he gainded no advantage. Thus, he was allowed to run this time around.

Iceman, you need to run a mailbag like you used to have on your site. It's been long enough, people other than me must have finally come up with some questions.


GMoney said...

Grumpy, if you think that I'm bad an insensitive even though I said nothing about ya boy because I don't know him and you're overreacting, read Ide's comment. Go ahead, read that lesson in being a complete asshole.

Andrew, thanks for the truth bomb but you are doing everyone a disservice by encouraging Iceman.

The next Money Shot outing will feature cutting off The Iceman's leg so he gains some knowledge and then we will smoke it for 12 hours until the leg meat is fall-off-the-bone delicious.

The Iceman said...

Holy shit! Andrew! I thought you were dead. Nice to see you're alive and well. I like the idea of a mailbag a lot...but if you haven't notice by now, I'm not sure I want to field questions being asked by most of the readers here. I can only imagine gems like "What does black dick taste like?" or "How does it feel to pay for receiving anal sex?" You can see where I'm coming from, right?

After that, we punch G$ in the gennies until he pukes and passes out to test his pain threshold since we aren't really sure if getting punched in the nuggets repeatedly hurts.

Anonymous said...

Here's the thing with Andrew's "truth bomb". The IOC wasn't "worried". There was an extensive study done on the Blade Runner that determined he DID gain an advantage over teh other runners. The scientist even said he was surprised it was so "clear". Well, they appealed this ruling to some fair play committee...and they said that while it shows he DOES have an advantage over runners when he's blade running, no research was done on how he gets out of the gate...and that's probably worse than normal people, so they don't think he has a "net advantage".

Grumpy's comment was absurd today.


Brady said...

That was some good rantin' right there.

Anonymous said...

For the record, every comment I make is in hopes that I indirectly offend someone Grump has met in his lifetime.


GMoney said...

I can vow that getting punched in the nuts sucks. We all can. We all can't say or know if all paraplegics are in constant pain when they walk/run on their prosthetics like you insisted that they do. That was your point. You remain unqualified to present that point.

I don't doubt that it is a YUGE challenge, I just know that you aren't the one to be telling us how challenging it is.

Argument won. Go back to 69ing Grumpy.

The Iceman said...

"We all can't say or know if all paraplegics are in constant pain when they walk/run on their prosthetics like you insisted that they do"

Well now! That would be a modern day miracle! Since, you know...paraplegics can't feel their legs let alone stand on their own power. Automatic loss for you. You remain unqualified to talk.

Prime99 said...

The real question is could the 2012 US basketball team beat the 92 Dream Team if LeBron and crew had bionic paper clip legs?

The Iceman said...

They could not, Prime. There isn't enough TRANSCENDANT talent on that roster. Plus is still doesn't solve the problem of the BIGZ!

GMoney said...

I meant Para-lympians or whatever they're called. You knew what I meant. Quit being wrong and dumb and even dumber.

The Iceman said...

Who wants to talk about ELITE Rick Porcello beating the Yankees last night? LOLZ! On my 4 hour drive home yesterday I had the pleasure of listening to a Yankee fan talk about the only reason the Yankees have the record they do is because they feast on poor pitching/terrible teams and never show up for good pitching/good teams. True or false?

GMoney said...

Quite true (although they have a winning record against Texas, Anaheim, and are 4-4 vs. Detroit so I guess not entirely true). As my 7th grade basketball coach once screamed before punting a ball into the rafters:


Rick Porcello is fucking garbage though.

For as bad as they have been over the past 3 weeks, I can definitely say that at least they aren't peaking too early. It's a painfully long season; I'm not one to overreact over a team-wide slump.

Immature 7th Grader said...

I spend the morning dissecting frogs and fingerring my girlfriend by the water fountain only to finally get to computer class and see that....I'M FINALLY GETTING SOME FUCKING RESPECT AROUND HERE! Leave it to Old Man Winter to be the one to name drop me here.


GMoney said...

Phony! No 7th grader is dissecting frogs. That's high school shit. Maybe worms, but not frogs. You, kid, ARE A LIAR!

The Iceman said...

ELITE comment. Also ELITE liar.

Grumpy said...

My only wish now is to have Ide jaywalk in front of my Harley Fat Boy.

Anonymous said...

You'd die too. No way a guy who e-blows Raperberger as much as you would wear a helmet. Youre retired so at least youd have my respect.


GMoney said...

Joe Haden likely suspended 4 games for steroids and T-Rich has a bum knee. The Browns are off to a great start. 0-16.