|Hey buddy, I'm not sure how much calf stretches are going to help you.|
With the swimming and gymnastics portion of The Olympics over with, the focus has shifted to the “pitch”, the court, and the track. While a lot of fucktards out there are writing about whether or not Usain Bolt could play wide receiver (DERP! He can’t!), I will focus on the legless portion of the running events, South African Oscar Pistorius. We’ve all seen the guy with his strange plastic J legs that makes it look like he’s running on paper clips. But the dude is fast. I don’t know how he lost his legs so I will just assume that it was a shark attack. While I watch this double amputee compete at the highest level in his sport, I can’t help but internally ask myself if he should be there. I think that that is a fair question; albeit a tough and definitely insensitive one to ask. But that is why you love, respect, desire, and admire me…because I am not afraid to ask the tough question, motherfucker.
Do those prosthetics provide any sort of advantage? My wife used to run in high school and was pretty good at it but would get derailed by crippling shin splints. Those aren’t an issue if you have no shins though (flawless logic!). The IOC seems to think that Pistorius has no competitive advantage but I am smarter than them so I am demanding that this guy be banned from Olympic competition until we know more about these damn things. Is it fair to him? Not really, but it’s fair to those people that he is competing against. It’s sort of like how old timers would talk about black people having extra muscles in their legs which allowed them to run faster. Again, not really, but I just wanted to mention that stupid stereotype.
I’m sure that Grumpy will definitely be 100% against me on this topic but I’m ready to fight. I like my Olympians to be 100% skin and bones; not 25% robot. This is what the Paralympics are for. This is why everyday players are MVPs. You already have your award, LarrytheCablelander. Would it be fair if I drove a motorcycle in the Tour de France? No, but it would be hilarious since I don’t know how to do that and cyclists are pussies anyway. Get fucked, Oscar Pistorius and be thankful that I don’t send you to the Special Olympics. Hey, how about another rant on this fine Wednesday? Since I just mentioned motorcycles a few sentences back, let’s get all fired up about those assholes. ELITE transitions: they come naturally to me.
With all due respect to the Sons of Anarchy, I really hate motorcyclists. They are a bunch of fucking assholes (see: Petrino, Bobby). For example, yesterday I’m trying to find a place to park at the office, I see one and start to pull in, only to find some cocksucker had his generic blue Harley in that space already. Look, I don’t know the rules for parking motorcycles but those spaces are designed for fucking cars. Specifically, MY fucking car and not your motorized Schwinn. If you want to feel the wind through your rat tail; that’s fine, but you don’t get to pick the spot in which you park. You go to the back of the lot and let the heavy machinery do the fancy parkin’.
Another thing, name three things more infuriating than being stuck in traffic on the highway only to have three motorcycles zoom by you on the side of the road or in between lanes. FUCK THESE PEOPLE. You don’t get to go around gridlock just because you have two less wheels. I wish that citizen’s arrest was a real thing. I HATE seeing this. It makes me root for them to cause a future accident that I have to sit through while the next wave of assholes pass by me. FUCK! IT WILL NEVER END!
And what’s the deal with those bikes with the really high handle bars? Those things can’t be comfortable. Try holding your arms out above your shoulder height…did you make it past 10 seconds? I doubt it. Why would anyone buy something like this? Again, these people are assholes.
Finally, have you seen those bumper stickers that tell you--the responsible motorist--to watch out for motorcyclists with the emphasis on saving a life? Fuck that. Maybe they should stop weaving in and out of lanes without signaling and not drive like a bunch of cocksucking salad tossers. I can tell you one thing: hitting a guy on a motorcycle is never an accident. It’s always because they have left the other drivers on the road with no other choice.
In conclusion, the South African amputee should not be in The Olympics because of his bionic legs and G$ hates motorcycles. What a well-rounded day of hate this turned out to be! And I didn’t even talk about The Iceman.