If your head is comprised entirely out of meat and steroid residue, you might recall that big UFC pay-per-view a few weeks ago. I was mildly intrigued just because of the amount of ridiculous smack between that Sonnen fella and the Spider guy. I had planned on going out drinking with the BRAHS that night anyway and we ended up meeting at The Loose Goose which just so happened to be broadcasting this PPV on every TV in the joint (which was fucking annoying but the place was packed with assholes so they clearly knew what they were doing). MMA isn’t really my thing, but I was told that this event was supposed to a good one so whatever. 99.7 The Blitz was out there doing a live remote to promote the fights and the definite drug dealer that does their morning show so they were giving away prizes. Guess who was the first name drawn out, bitch? THIS GUY! I haven’t checked yet, but I’d guess that my picture is on the station’s website with the aforementioned heroin addict DJ and other people.
I love free shit more than just about anybody so I was pretty pumped. My choice of prize was a UFC t-shirt or a gift card to something called DAMAGED at the mall near my office. I chose the gift card because the shirt was fucking stupid. After some quick internet phone research, it was easy to see that this clothing store features nothing but TAPOUT gear. I have no idea how much the card is worth, but I’m going to use it to buy the most ridiculously absurd and tacky thing that I can find in there (that might take awhile). For the first part of today’s post, does anyone have any suggestions for what sort of horrible meathead clothing item I should purchase? Personally, I think it would be hilarious to watch myself trying to interact with society while sporting a TAPOUT v-neck.
Anyway, one of the guys that was there with us decided to bring up the topic of masturbation (completely unprovoked by the way—Damman and The Swine can confirm). He (we’ll call him Tequila) brought up a pretty good topic though: what was the last movie not Rated R or higher that you jerked it to? Good God, I’ve been thinking about this for two weeks now and I still have no clue. I honestly can’t recall. Is Mean Girls rated less than R? Because if it is then my answer is DEFINITELY Mean Girls. I thought that it may have been Return of the Jedi but there is no way that I could confirm that suspicion either way. So that is part two of today’s post…answer THAT question if you dare. It’s harder than you think.
Finally, with the Olympics coming up next weekend and my love of throbbing bologna ponies shining brightly today, let’s get to the open forum portion of the post: RETRO BONERS! When you are a young rapscallion, pretty much anything can get the blood flowing down south. If you watched a lot of sports back in the day, the Olympics were a perfect fit for your dong’s combo love of sports and sexiness. I distinctly remember three (at the time) young ladies that I was pretty much in love with twenty years ago. Time to publicize these crushes so that they can prepare their restraining orders…
Gabriela Sabatini – So exotic. She knew how to hold onto a racket. She appears to have aged well; might have to put her back in the bank. Also sexy foreign tennis player = Steffi Graf. I hope that she’s not related to a certain someone…
Shannon Miller – Now that I sift through some old pics of the gymnast, I’m not sure what was so appealing about her. But then I remember that you should never try to deconstruct the thoughts of the teenage penis. It wants what it wants. At least it didn’t like Kerri Strug.
Summer Sanders – I used to subscribe to Sports Illustrated for Kids. I can’t imagine a more pointless magazine/anything. I wish that I still had some of these so I could go back and read the hard-hitting journalism that permeated through every page. However, I remember that they used to feature Summer Sanders in every issue. Summer has held up well over time, too. I love you, Summer.
You’ve got three ELITE topics to contribute to today. Go get it, son! I’ll already answer for Grumpy regarding his youth crush: Mary Todd Lincoln. ZING! I’m heading up to Michigan tomorrow for some lake “fun” with the in-laws. It always results in four million mosquito bites and sleeping in a 100 degree room. This is not one of my favorite weekends of the year. Peace, BRAH!