Friday, July 13, 2012

Open Forum: The Money Shot Gives Back

Stop it.  You're awful.
This week, ESPN is doing their annual charity drive to help the V Foundation for cancer research. It is a very noble cause (that Ide likely hates) and they raise a ton of money every year. It doesn’t make for interesting sports talk radio at all, but if this helps cure cancer one day then who am I to complain. As my mom once told me over dinner, “knowing the history of our family, you will probably get cancer one day, too.” THANKS MOM! What an awesome dinner topic that was: Hey son, YOU GONNA DIE!!! So I’m all for the memory of Jim Valvano extending my terrific life for an extra few years before I move on to my next project of kicking God’s ass non-stop.

Where was I? Oh yeah, now I remember. ESPN offers up all sorts of different packages for auction that allows people way richer than me a chance to have an experience of a lifetime. I’m pretty sure that this is how Dut got to meet Carl Edwards. Or maybe he just answered a want ad in the back of “Cock Fancy” magazine. Anyway, I think that I was able to find the least desirable charity auction package of all time.

Live the "Suite Life" with Hill and Schlereth! The winner and a guest receive suite tickets to the New York Jets game on Sunday, December 2, 2012 at MetLife Stadium against the Arizona Cardinals. Mike Hill and Mark Schlereth will host the winners at the game. Winners will also receive pre-game sideline passes to visit the field with Mike and Mark before the game. Food and beverage is included as well as parking.
There are many LOL parts in that last paragraph:
*Suite Life? Oh you and your puns can get fucked.
*There is nothing sweet about putting up with Mike “Egg Man” Hill’s forced blackness or Stink “yo yo yo-ing” you for four hours in a room with only one exit.
*A Jets game in December! Paradise!
*They’re playing the Cardinals! WHAT A MATCHUP! These two arch rivals only get together every four years!
*Wow, I can go on the field and watch Sanchez, Kolb, Skelton, and Tenor play a game of “We All Blow”!
*Current bidding is well over TEN FUCKING GRAND for this. I don’t care how much you hate cancer, spending 5 figures and only getting an Ebonics lesson, crappy stadium food, watered-down draft beer, and free parking to watch two non-playoff teams is a joke.

This is the worst thing that I’ve ever seen. And guess who is going to top it? That’s right, I am offering up this blog’s services and MAN power to give the V Foundation OUR charity package. Collectively, I think that we can all come up with something to donate to a good cause. I’ll go first:

The Money Shot “Fantasy” (I can pun, too) starts off with G$ voluntarily drafting your fantasy football team this year. I will show up wherever you want me to; whenever the draft starts and I will do my usual ELITE drafting for YOU. I will bring empty Hot & Ready boxes from the DFL Draft to present the illusion that I am feeding you which I am not. I will bring a case of cheap beer with me that the winner and I must finish before the end of the draft. Clothing is optional other than my RGIII jersey which is mandatory. If you have any non-white people in your league, I am allowed to say anything to them without repercussions. Actually, change that, everything that I say is YOUR fault. I am allowed one dump (flush at my own discretion) but may desire to negotiate more. You will have at least one Redskin (no more than 3 because that is just mean) on your roster at all times. I will blackout. Fleshlight appearance not included, but porn please.

I would like you all to offer up your own service to our “Fantasy” package for this great cause. Maybe you don’t want to give up your own time. That’s fine, give up somebody else’s. Either way, we WILL bring in more money than Mike fucking Hill and Mr. Green Chiles. I demand it. It’s time that we give back.

To end the week, I want to again quote Emmitt Smith attempting to quote the late Jimmy V: Don’t quit. Don’t even quit.

46 comments:

Grumpy said...

The ELITE Grumpy Experience. Experience for yourself the VIP treatment Grumpy gets every morning at Dunkin' Donuts. Then we'll cruise Target looking at all the cool stuff while buying nothing.

Come along as your host spends mid- morning cruising his favorite porn sites and participate (or not) in a casual jerk off session.

Lunch will be at the legendary Price Hill Chili, where you will have all the chili on spaghetti you want. After lunch you will enjoy a 1-2 hour power nap and then catch up on American Pickers on the DVR.

Your Grumpy Experience will be capped by a gourmet meal of Nathan's hot dogs prepared by Mrs. grumpy in the microwave, buns if anybody remembered to buy some.

Lights out at 10.00 p.m. Bid early and often.

Anonymous said...

Dont forget Grumpy - they get to take home your terrible towel cum rag.

Seal

GMoney said...

I can TOTES see you walking through Target and not buying anything like some sort of retail predator.

Damman is in Chicago now and may not be able to defend himself today so I'll just say that he'll donate a pair of leopard print 4XL panties from his extensive collection.

Anonymous said...

Holy Shit that someone is willing to pay over $10K for that stupid Jets package.

Grumpy's Day>G$'s Day

Mine...

Drew's Drunken Football Preview...

This can happen the Saturday in August of the winning bidder's choosing (except 8/24). The day will begin promptly at noon at El Vaquero where we will feast on chorizo and other Mexican delicacies while drinking pitchers of margaritas. We will then move on to south campus and begin a massive bar crawl to the north. During this crawl I will expertly break down the 2012 Ohio State football season, team, tell what to expect out of the true freshmen and give my take on the 2013 recruiting class. Once we get past the Out R Inn, we will take a cab downtown to The Char Bar. During the cab ride we will call Ape and make fun of him for being a vegan, Michigan fan and tell him to turn to channel 44...which he will moronically do and then realize that he has no cable. At Char Bar I will then purchase as many $10 Long Islands as it takes for us to vomit/blackout....and we'll finish the night eating street meat on a street corner.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

The Iceman experience: Start drinking with this legendary blogger at noon on an empty stomach. Around 3 o'clock endulge in shot wars made with the finest $8 bottle of Burnetts. You choice of flavor. Shot wars end when the bottle is empty. No pussing out. Nearing 6 o'clock when both of you are in the process of blacking out, brave the dangers of starting the grill in order to crudely make half cooked hamburgers and hot dogs. After "dinner" attempt to beat the Iceman in your N64 game of choice. Avoid Mario Jars and Goldeneye because he is a true professional savage at both games. Around midnight head to the local watering hole with Iceman and proceed to yell obscenities at complete strangers who happen to walk by. Greg Oden could be there. Play the occasional game of billiards and buy Iceman several rounds of shots after losing. Around 3am stumble home and don't be afraid to piss in a neighbor's yard. A buffet of Taco Bell awaits you at Iceman's mansion. Smash and try not to puke on anything. The next morning share your glorious hangover with the Iceman and recall the previous nights events over Gatorade and Advil.

MuDawgfan said...

The winning bidder of the MUDAWG Fan College Football Game Day Experience receives:

1. MUDawgfan will travel to the college football game of your choice (provided the relative outcome of the game is important). You will provide him with a ticket.

2. Your tailgating will begin approximately 4 hours prior to kickoff. Meals will include BBQ Smokey Sausage Links, BBQ pork chops and BBQ chicken. Vegtables will consist of Potato Salad, Boston Market Mac N' Cheese and deviled eggs. MUDawgfan will cook all of this stuff for you but will absolutely not "fix you a plate" because he is not your god damn wife.

3. Refreshments will be provided by MUDawgfan. You'll have your choice of Jim Beam, Diet Coke and a Beam and Diet.

4. Bring your notebooks and be ready to learn. MUDawgfan will bring you up to speed on all the newest trends in casual racism.

5. Once inside the game - prepare to be entertained as an overserved MUDawgfan has to pee every 35 minutes, slurrs his speech, attemps to call the play before it happens on every third down and uses such dazzling language as "cum dumpster" and "MudShark"

6. You'll get the experience of hailing a cab and putting MUDawgfan in it and try to get him back to the hotel. As you part ways, he'll probably call you a gay.

GOOD LUCK!

MUDawgfan said...

Drew and I are mortal enemies - but I have new found respect for him based on his love of Chorizo. That shit is simply awesome.

GMoney said...

tell him to turn to channel 44...which he will moronically do and then realize that he has no cable--TERRIFIC idea!!!

I would totally bid on Dawg's package (no homo).

Iceman's sounds like a Tigers fan's dream.

Anonymous said...

Iceman- I will take you on in Mario jars for any amount of $$. I will steal your soul.

What is Damman doing in Chicago? He text me at 5 am saying "queer."

I would choose death over grumpys package.

Good news.. I will be staying in cbus 4-life as I just accepted a new job at nationwide. Dfl fans can sleep at night. Speaking of which, the only way the 18th will work is if we start early (11 am). If we do this, the golf will be replaced with bar hopping/strip clubs/blacking out Friday night.

Dut

GMoney said...

Dut, morning of the 18th works just fine. Nothing beats a good "mornin' drinkin'". Your draft took forever last year but it was perfect storm of distractions between Ide having to leave because his cousin drives like and Asian and Boz/Moden being late/you and Lange taking forever to get pizza. We can do it in four hours.

Poopson's bachelor party is this weekend. God help us all.

I know for a FACT that Nationwide's office firewalls approve of this site so get ready to comment a ton again. Are you downtown or in Dublin or somewhere else?

Dut, your package should be similar to mine except that the winning bidder can pick Moden's team. Can't do worse than that Texan usually does. You must bid up every Lion though.

The Iceman said...

Forgot to tell you douchers...I'll be in Columbus tomorrow for a wedding. We may not make it out to the bars but we'll for sure be getting stupid in the hotel. Any interested parties can contact me.

When was the last time you played Mario Jars, Dut? Because I played yesterday...and 3 times this week. You don't stand a chance, buddy. DEAL WITH IT!

I would also bid on MuDawg's experience. Attempting to call the plays on every 3rd down is worth the price of admission by itself.

Anonymous said...

Odds anybody takes Iceman up on his offer of getting drunk with him in a Red Roof Inn hotel room? I'd say somewhere between zero and zero.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Damman is in Chicago spreading the word throughout the community about Obama. Seriously.

I already put $1000 firm on anyone in Goldeneye. Baby Buke already chicken shit out in that. I am not to be trifled with in that game.

The Ide Experience will come a bit later. MUdawg kind of killed mine.

Ide

Prime99 said...

The Prime experience certainly involves you getting yourself to the Peppermill Reno. Once there, you can enjoy the bar that is likely set up in the room with Gentleman Jack, Maker's, Crown, and various chasers. Once properly liquored up, we'll go to dinner at either the steak house or fancy Chinese restaurant- your choice. Now that we're drunk and full, we're ready to get annihilated at the Craps table. However, you will get to talk shit to- people who don't know what they're doing, women, slutty women, black guys betting on the field and yelling "YEA!" when they win a bet then let it ride and lose it back to the house, people who bet the "don't pass line," and people you will give nicknames to based solely on appearance. After that, if there is any money left, we can post up at a video poker bar for free drinks and more making fun of prostitutes (or you can bag one, your choice.) The second day would involve betting on sports (preferably during football season because betting on baseball is borderline insane) and we can hit the Wild Orchid. It's a great package deal.

The Iceman said...

Whatever, Drew. You know you want to get wasted and contract crabs from an Econolodge comforter. An extra $15 and you get a complimentary Columbus hooker, I've been told.

Prime99 said...

People in Chicago don't know about Obama? Seems like Alabama would be more productive (and dangerous) of a place to spread that word.

Jerry Sandusky said...

Bid on an exclusive Penn State experience with Jerry Sandusky. You will feel like a part of Nittany Lion Nation by receiving the following:

1. A tour of PSU's campus, including the football teams facilities. Your tour will include a quick workout (only enough to break a sweat) followed by one-on-one shower lessons with the former PSU Defensive Coordinator. During the shower lessons you will also have the opportunity to have your back cracked by the PSU legend. Remember, don't be shy and try to hide in the corner!

2. Sideline passes to a Penn State home game of your choice. During the game you will be given awkward gazes and handshakes from many of the higher-ups at PSU who will do whatever it takes to make sure your shower experience was an enjoyable one that will never be spoken of.

3. Your day will be capped off by a sleepover at Jerry's house in which you will be allowed to stay in his apparently soundproof basement. If you are lucky, the tickle monster will show up for a suprise visit and rasberries will be harvested off your stomach.

4. The next day you will have the opportunity speak with an actor posing as Joe Paterno, the late PSU Head Coach. You can tell him everything about your weekend, but don't count on it going past him. He is a classy guy who does not like to ruin other people's weekends.

All of this can be yours if you are the winning bidder today. This bid is only open to boys under the age of 12.

Brady said...

-I'm bidding strong for the Grumpy experience. I will pay the "buy now" price if there is antiquing involved as well.

-I like the Drew package as well but what if the winner knows more about the Buckeyes?! CHALLENGE ISSUED!

-I will throw some bids in for MUDawgfan just because the number of times BBQ was mentioned

-I feel like I already lived the Iceman experience every weekend the last few years for free so I'm not throwing down for that one.

Anonymous said...

This is off-topic, but did anyone watch The Franchise on Showtime?

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Whoever wrote that Sandusky post had me LOLZing all over. That was ELITE.

The Prime experience sounds the best so far. Although I'm not really sure what he's throwing in...sounds like you are bidding to send yourself to Reno to hang out with Prime....which may be good enough.

MUDawg....chorizo is da bomb diggity.

Brady....you don't know more than OSU football than me.

Where is the Ide Experience? I'm not throwing my money anywhere until I see that one. I have a feeling it's the best.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

If you don't know the game of Craps, I will teach you the ways. I'm also providing the whiskey and I'll throw in a double lap dance at the Orchid.

Anonymous said...

There an age limit on the Sandusky package? Ill start the bidding at 6$!

Dut

Anonymous said...

Slow start to the day. Will crank out the package ar lunch.

How about that Irving vs Kobe game for $50k?

Ide

GMoney said...

Yeah, count me OUT Mr. Belding on getting raped in The Iceman's hotel room.

Sandusky's package is quite an experience. I need to know if Jay Paterno will show up after it ends to talk to the media and be stupid.

I'm not a loser that follows politics so I have no idea if what Damman is doing is supposed to be funny. I'll just go with LOL black folks.

You're on your own for the rest of the day. I'm heading to Ide's alma mater shortly for a DH.

The Iceman said...

Does the Sandusky package include Matt Millen insanity? If it does, I'm listening.

I bet the Ide experience has something to do with being felt up by big black men.

Anonymous said...

The Ide Experience

Disclaimer: Please read fine print at the end to see if you qualify.

When: 11/24/2012 5:30AM SHARP
Where: Columbus, OH
What: OSU vs. Michigan
What to Bring: Cooler stocked with ice and about 24 tall PBR's or Schlitz, and a switchblade.

Details:

5:30am: Arrive fully dressed at the Bier Stube for kegs and eggs. During this time no fewer than 3 bloody mary's will be consumed by 7am. First round of shots will arrive with the first round of eggs and bacon. There will be a 1:1 ratio of eggs, bacon, and whiskey for the first hour. The amount will be determined by Mr. Ide. This number will not be fewer than 5.

8AM: Head out to your car and crush about 6 frosties a piece.

8:30AM: Bar crawl. We will make our way to CHAMPIONS LANE stopping off at a couple choice bars. Too's, BrO Patio, and possibly Little Bar. Any entrance fee's will be undertaken by the winner of the auction. As will be the shots.

9:30AM: We will head to the tailgating area and steal whatever beer/liquor we can get our hands on, and head to my uncle's lot on the northside of the stadium where we will pass around a bottle of Crown Royal and eat some homemade baked beans. Two quick notes: the beans are amazing and you will admit this, and you will NOT wipe the lip of the bottle as you take a swig.

11:30AM: Head back to the Stube. Thought your auction was going to get you in the game? Fuck no. You can't drink and it will likely be cold.

12PM: Kickoff! Enjoy the game with other members of the Money Shot crew that will likely not be interested in you, or be too drunk to acknowledge your existence. Smart money is on both.

4PM: Head to the Triad Lounge after the game to meet some coloreds and enjoy the wings. Mr. Ide will probably ask the inhabitants what they did for Fathers Day and ask if they have an ATM machine. Now is a good time to remember you have that switchblade.

4:15PM: After getting kicked out, head back to campus and drink the rest of the night. If the words "twat", "cunt", or any racial slur is less than 100, then you get your donation back, paid directly by Mr. Ide (this won't happen).

8PM: You will be treated to a free lesson on how to drive ripshit on booze. Mr. Ide will use your vehicle and race through the streets of Columbus. Your insurance should over this. Stop off at White Castle and split a Crave Case for dinner.

9:40PM: You should be nearish downtown parked at a spot decided on Mr. Ide, not the city of Columbus. Towing expenses are the winners to bear. As Mr. Ide will be overserved and blacked out, drink until walking and bladder control meet that terrible crossroad of inability.

2AM: Hop in your car and put to use the invaluable lessons Mr. Ide bestowed upon you earlier in the evening and head to TeeJay's. You will treat Mr. Ide to a Barnyard Buster with an extra side of hash and 6 sunnyside up eggs. He will later crash on the floor of the place you are staying.

Fine Print:
(you must match all the following criteria to qualify)

1. Be white(like you'd donate if you weren't).
2. Not have cancer, we are raising money for cancer, not living out a fantasy.
3. NEVER make eye contact with Mr. Ide. He will repay the courtesy.
4. Know every word to Steve Perry's "Oh, Sherry", and be able to sing it at random, on cue.
5. Carry lots of spending money. Mr. Ide will forget his card at a bar at some point. Or at least tell you he did so you will pony up on shots, that he will freely order.
6. Be familiar with lines from Major League. This movie will be quoted, don't look like a dick by not laughing.
7. NO OSU jerseys. For fucks sake, dress like a grown adult.
8. Have an open mind...to judge people.

Nasty Nate said...

You forgot the part where I feel up your coin purse before getting in the shower, Ide.

MuDawgfan said...

Mr. Ide's Fantastical Journey sounds like one helluva day - but odds are good that 10:00am would be blackout central.

Anonymous said...

Jesus....Ide's day is intense. I think I'll stick with my regular Michigan Game Day stuff. I'm bidding on Prime's.

--Drew

Tonya said...

A night of blow-jobs and anal for the winning bidder of my package.

Anonymous said...

Something tells me Tonya is a dude and whoever bids would be on the recieving end of the anal and on the giving end of the blow job.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Ironically enough, that is my average OSU/UM gameday. Blackouts occur at 9:30 and 6:30 prompt.

I am still haunted by that day with Nasty Nate. That day did NOTHING to mend the fences on my hatred toward blacks and fags.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Tonya. Back with extreme force and lewd sexual acts! Way to serve Drew that softball...

Prime99 said...

I'm pretty sure that was a fake Tonya.

Excellent choice, Drew. We will get good and drunk in Reno but not blackout drunk like Ide's adventure. Makes me wonder what the last OSU/Michigan game he can remember?

The Iceman said...

"I'm pretty sure that was a fake Tonya."

The world may never know...

Anonymous said...

My blackouts fade to brownouts around ll30ish, and I stick to beer throughout the game. Shots start back up around 5-6.

Having said that, I don't remember 2008. I was passed out in a booth of some bar on campus. I think that was the year we shut them out.

Ide

Brady said...

Holy shit! Ide's day sounds fantastic. I can quote Major League with the best of them and NEVER make eye contact with another dude. I'm getting out the check book right now. I assume I make it out to Mr. Ide?

RGIII said...

Rumor has it G$ is out for the day. IS it OK for me to come out of the closet?

MUDawgfan said...

Can you imagine what Holly Mangold's day would look like?

-----

You're bidding on hanging out with me for a day.

9:30am: Squats
10:00am: Deadlifts
10:30am: IHOP-2 Rudy Tudy's and a pot of Coffee

12:00pm: Sex
12:07pm: Ambulance arrives
2:00pm: Squats

RG III said...

FREE BLOW JOBS!!!!! I always swallow.

Brady said...

I will never be able to get that Holly Mangold lifting weights pic that Deadspin posted out of my head. It haunts me.

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't it be BRG III?

IHOP is great but Dennys rules them all. Shout out to Perkins.

I just saw a Steve Blake Orlando Magic tshirt jersey. ELITE!

Ide

Anonymous said...

RGIII....This may sound like an odd question. But, do you think if you weren't gay that Sean Taylor would still be alive? Or, do you feel that your homosexuality has nothing to do with Taylor's life and his gangbanging thug life was bound to end in a murder?

--Drew

RGIII said...

Drew,

Good question! I heard that Sean Taylor was killed because he was gay. Being in the D.C. area and all, he had an affair with Sen. Larry Craig before Senator Craig got busted for trying to hook up in a bathroom. Senator Craig had him killed to keep his mouth shut. I hope to continue the playmaking homosexual tradition of the Washington Redskins!

Anonymous said...

Every mention of Sean Taylor deserves mentioning that he died being shot in the dick. Oh, and Clarett buttfucked him on national tv.

Ide

GMoney said...

I hope that you had your fun while I was away and pissing off Team Canada. Just know that Tonya, RGIII, RexGIII, and I are going to murder all of your non-believers.

Here's a fun fact: Ide is full of shit. Unless he is related to Lindsay Lohan, he doesn't drink like that EVER. So congrats, Brady, you just paid to baby-sit that queef starting at 8 am.