|Stop it. You're awful.|
Where was I? Oh yeah, now I remember. ESPN offers up all sorts of different packages for auction that allows people way richer than me a chance to have an experience of a lifetime. I’m pretty sure that this is how Dut got to meet Carl Edwards. Or maybe he just answered a want ad in the back of “Cock Fancy” magazine. Anyway, I think that I was able to find the least desirable charity auction package of all time.
Live the "Suite Life" with Hill and Schlereth! The winner and a guest receive suite tickets to the New York Jets game on Sunday, December 2, 2012 at MetLife Stadium against the Arizona Cardinals. Mike Hill and Mark Schlereth will host the winners at the game. Winners will also receive pre-game sideline passes to visit the field with Mike and Mark before the game. Food and beverage is included as well as parking.There are many LOL parts in that last paragraph:
*Suite Life? Oh you and your puns can get fucked.
*There is nothing sweet about putting up with Mike “Egg Man” Hill’s forced blackness or Stink “yo yo yo-ing” you for four hours in a room with only one exit.
*A Jets game in December! Paradise!
*They’re playing the Cardinals! WHAT A MATCHUP! These two arch rivals only get together every four years!
*Wow, I can go on the field and watch Sanchez, Kolb, Skelton, and Tenor play a game of “We All Blow”!
*Current bidding is well over TEN FUCKING GRAND for this. I don’t care how much you hate cancer, spending 5 figures and only getting an Ebonics lesson, crappy stadium food, watered-down draft beer, and free parking to watch two non-playoff teams is a joke.
This is the worst thing that I’ve ever seen. And guess who is going to top it? That’s right, I am offering up this blog’s services and MAN power to give the V Foundation OUR charity package. Collectively, I think that we can all come up with something to donate to a good cause. I’ll go first:
The Money Shot “Fantasy” (I can pun, too) starts off with G$ voluntarily drafting your fantasy football team this year. I will show up wherever you want me to; whenever the draft starts and I will do my usual ELITE drafting for YOU. I will bring empty Hot & Ready boxes from the DFL Draft to present the illusion that I am feeding you which I am not. I will bring a case of cheap beer with me that the winner and I must finish before the end of the draft. Clothing is optional other than my RGIII jersey which is mandatory. If you have any non-white people in your league, I am allowed to say anything to them without repercussions. Actually, change that, everything that I say is YOUR fault. I am allowed one dump (flush at my own discretion) but may desire to negotiate more. You will have at least one Redskin (no more than 3 because that is just mean) on your roster at all times. I will blackout. Fleshlight appearance not included, but porn please.
I would like you all to offer up your own service to our “Fantasy” package for this great cause. Maybe you don’t want to give up your own time. That’s fine, give up somebody else’s. Either way, we WILL bring in more money than Mike fucking Hill and Mr. Green Chiles. I demand it. It’s time that we give back.
To end the week, I want to again quote Emmitt Smith attempting to quote the late Jimmy V: Don’t quit. Don’t even quit.