Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Olympic Facelift (Cutting the Fat, Cont.)

                            "There's chocolate on the inside of this, right?"




After thinking long and hard (about 8 minutes) about what to tackle today, I've decided to stick with the fat cutting theme from yesterday.  Except, my liposuction suggestions are how to improve the Olympic games.  First order of business is what we, as a country, need to do about our nation's theme music.  After a mildly heated Facebook debate between G$ and myself we have a few changes we are making effective as of today.  Our national anthem will no longer be The Star Spangled Banner.  We need something a little less pussy and more indicative of the flamboyant American culture.  Only because I didn't want to see G$ bawl like a 3rd grader, I have agreed to terms with him thus making our new national anthem "Real American" by Rick Derringer.  I had no idea G$ had such a special, gay place in his heart for the Hulkster.

Second, we're scrapping America the Beautiful.  This is an incredibly homo song that was probably written by a man who wears fake breasts and wigs for fun.  Again...we need something that represents us better.  So American the Beautiful will officially be exchanged with "America (Fuck Yeah)".  Now that we have that finalized, let's find out what we should keep and what we should ditch from the Olympics to make them more watchable.

Keep - Awkward interviews with losers.  Maybe I'm just a sick motherfucker, but nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than broadcasting someone's lowest life moment to the universe.  Just once, I want the conversation to go like this:
Reporter: You have just been eliminated from medal contention by a milli-point.  Four years of training for nothing.  Four years of your life...wasted.  How do you feel right now?
Athlete: Um.  Pretty fucking bad, actually.  Is there a therapist nearby I can talk to?
Reporter: Why?  So you can be crappy at something else?  Isn't one cosmic failure enough for one day's work?  Loser?
/athlete slits own throat while reporter throws it back to Bob Costas for something totally useless.
Because that's really essentially what they're doing, right?  Let me go rub in how much you suck just in case viewers have no idea just how devastating this is for you.  I don't care if you haven't had a chance to catch your breath.  The world must know every ounce of your grief!!  But hey...I love that shit so keep it up, guys.

Don't keep - Closeups of female gymnasts/swimmers.  God dammit.  Is there anything on this planet more unattractive than what they're passing off as bodies?  Fuckin gross, man.  The lady swimmers look like they could punch through a car door or discus a 50" flatscreen 300 yards.  The gymnasts are just as bad.  Have fun looking like a 10 year old boy for the rest of your life.  If your goal outside of Olympic gold was never having intercourse with a man, then keep doing what you're doing.  I guess there's always breast implants to replace the dude pecs you've been sculpting since kindergarten.  I just don't know what you plan on doing about your Mr. Universe lower torso.  Are you going to power squat the first guy you fuck as a post sex victory dance?  Perhaps.  The reality is there's just no useful real world application for those massive tree trunks after you retire at age 22.

Keep - Taping events and reporting the winners before the taped event is aired.  I'm sure you've all heard the whiny bitches complaining about the results of the 400IM gold medal race being reported before the taping of the event aired on television.  If not, tune into Mike and Mike for twelve seconds.  I'm sure Greenberg is still being a cunt about it.  Any opportunity to piss of nerds like that should be capitalized upon ALWAYS.  Get a fucking life, losers.  Who gives a shit?  It's fucking swimming!  SWIMMING!!  Before Michael Phelps and his ELITE bong hits smoked out America, none of you cock suckers gave a fuck about any of these events.  So stop pretending like you're totally invested a mere 4 years later.

Don't keep - Having the games in countries where the weather sucks.  Seriously.  London??  Good choice, jagoffs.  Having been to London twice before in the "spring" and "summer", I can tell you that neither season exists.  The only seasons they have are "depressingly depressing" and "depressingly shitty".  It's the Summer Olympics, shit heads.  Have the games in places that actually know what summer is so beach volleyball isn't played indoors or with long sleeves.  Pointless.

Keep - Grills.  I tip my hat to Ryan Lochte for his 'Murrrrica grill and how he told Olympic officials to get fucked by wearing it on the medal stand anyway.  Isn't this what we're all about as a country?  Being douchey and flamboyant while making ourselves look totally ridiculous and classless?  Embrace that shit because that's what all of the other countries think of us anyway.  Do your thing, man.

Don't keep - The opening ceremony.  I'm not sure if anyone caught the opening ceremony but holy fucking Christ tits was it weird and completely pointless.  It didn't help that Danny Boyle put the whole thing together.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a big Trainspotting and 28 Days Later supporter.  But when you combine a "special" brain like Boyle's with an Olympic ceremony you get a whirlwind of confusing bullshit that looks like Cirque Du Soleil on the worst acid trip ever recorded.  They just need to get rid of that whole thing already.  The only people who like it are drug addicts and old people.  And we don't need to cater to either since both demographics will be dying very soon.  Besides, I'm pretty sure in the very first Olympics they probably publicly raped and killed a prostitute to start the games off.  We should get back to traditions like these in the future.

Keep -Showing Men's volleyball.  I stand firm on this.  I actually enjoy this Olympic event.  "Fag, Pussy, Bitch, Queer, blah blah blah".  Fuck off.  It's sweet.  I don't know why, but it's ultra hilarious to me watching a 6'9" American fuckin turbo blast a nuclear spike into the chest plate of a Serbian who looks like Dut after skipping showers for a week.  Watching that guy stand up while searching for a handle on the moment is always LOLZ for me.

Don't keep - Women's basketball.  My brother sent me a text a couple days ago that read, "I just watched the first minute and a half of women basketball.  Zero points, five turnovers and six bricks.  How is this a pro sport?  Better...why is this on TV?"  Of course my natural response was, "Do you need me to call the police to have them arrest the person holding that gun to your head?  I can't think of any other scenario where you would be watching women's basketball."  But seriously...who the fuck willingly watches women's basketball besides lesbians and virgins?  What's the move here?  Do I do everything I can to get him legally excommunicated from my family lineage?  Do I change his name in my phone to Pussy McBitchtits?  I'm open to all suggestions.

We haven't talked Olympics yet so I figured, why the fuck not?  It's better than another NBA post, right Brady?  The only other option was discussing the recent tardness of college football players.  But we have a long week ahead of us and that will just end in Brady finding ways to defend Ohio players for being complete fart eating fuck tards.  And no one wants that shit.

31 comments:

Grumpy said...

I watch none of the Olympics. Synchronized diving? That's not a sport.

GMoney said...

I'll eat my own shit if Ryan Lochte has never referred to his penis as the Lochte Ness Monster. That's what BRAHs with stupid grills do.

Hope Solo has quite the ego on her, no? Go forbid anyone saying something negative about a terrible performance by one of her teammates or she'll fire up the ol' Twitter machine and live tweet petty insults and Indians games. Hey whore, remember how you couldn't beat the She-Nips at the World Cup?

I am dying to see an ass-off between Argentina and Brazil women. Winner (and loser): my dinger. Those are two countries that understand the value of amazing rumps.

Michael Phelps is mailing it in and only agreed to go to London so that Subway would keep paying him and his wild boar/mother. FACT!

There's really nothing that NBC can do about the tape delay. They pay zillions of dollars for this shit; so why would they show a big race at 1:15 in the afternoon when they can do it in primetime? People are whiny cunts. Hope Solo probably hates it. I want her to be encased in carbonite.

MUDawgfan said...

Hate all of the swimming events, they last forever and move so incredibly slow.

Week Two of the Olympics is far superior with all of the Track and Field events and the medal rounds of all the team sports.

ELITE: Handball, Basketball, Water Polo, Archery, weightlifting, all track and field events and rowing/crew

SHITE: Gymnastics, Swimming and Diving events, shooting events, tennis and cycling.

BRING BACK: Baseball and softball

Grumpy said...

Sure NBC can do something about the tape delay. The can show the events live in the afternoon and repeat them in prime time for those that work. Bet it wouldn't affect their ratings one bit.

If you want to avoid the results it's not that hard.

I get the results off the internet and when my wife comes home I ruin her evening by telling her everything that happened.

GMoney said...

FACT: Volleyball (both genders and both venues) is the best Olympic sport

GMoney said...

If you want to avoid the results it's not that hard.

Uh, yes it is. If you are following the trade deadline like I am and go to ESPN or whatever for updates, the #1 fucking story is always about what already transpired.

Grumpy said...

Work when you're at work. Do your personal computing on your own time.

The Iceman said...

"If you want to avoid the results it's not that hard."

Yeah...if you bury yourself in the back yard for the entire day and only emerge 2 minutes before the event airs. Are you serious right now?

Hope Solo is a whiney little cunt and I'm sorry guys...but isn't THAT hot. Brandi Chastain is paid to do two things. Report what she sees happening on the field and take her shirt off on command. If you're sucking ass then it's her duty to call you out on it...while shirtless.

ELITE FACT by G$.

I would say keep gymnastics because it's always hilarious watching a bunch of dudes trying to pass off that their really straight. That has to be such a stressful life for the male gymnist. How many times a day do you think they are forced to defend their sexuality? As many times as Dut?

GMoney said...

Maybe Hope Solo is just jealous that Chastain did more for that sport than she ever could. I think that the She-Nips just scored on her again. But congrats, now I am forced to put the women's soccer team in the same camp as the men's hoops team as I hope they both fail miserably now.

Do work at work? You can't possibly be a real person. Stop acting like checking out a website takes 20 minutes to do. It takes 4 seconds, my employer will be fine with my extremely short break. I hope that you get Ide's Disease (which I would guess is constant volcanic diarrhea while black dude's are groping you).

Anonymous said...

Best Olympic Sports: Men's Basketball, Volleyball, Handball, Swimming Relays, Usain Bolt, Gymnastics Team All-Around

I've still watched very little. Supposedly, NBC is getting very good ratings.

True Story...I hit a rock while I was reading Iceman's column on my way to work today and got a flat tire due to it. Good lesson taht I need to stop doing anything internet while driving a car. I got the super duper warranty from Discount Tire when I bought them a couple months ago, so I'm hoping the replacement shall be free.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I concur, they report the Olympic results on EVERY new site. Even the WSJ front lines every little happening. Literally have to stay off the internet and TV from noon on if you want to watch them 'live'. Which I try to do.

Gumpy, we don't work a factory line anymore....you can spend 5 minutes reading the news between hours of work...So dumb fo real.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

COOL STORY BRO

Grumpy said...

You're telling me that none of you, if you really want to watch the tape delay as if it's real, can stay off the internet during working hours for a couple weeks? The Money Shot is all you need to really read. Preferably not while driving.

What a bunch of undisciplined jack-offs.

The Iceman said...

It's not just the internet, Grumpy. You would literally have to turn your phone off, not talk to anyone, stay off the internet and bury yourself in a black hole of nothing but staring at the wall for 8 hours until the taping comes on. If you did all that then you would be my dad. And that would mean that you hate everyone. You don't think people talk about what they read on the internet? Text messages are never exchanged? C'mon, dude. Stop it. Its the information age, pal. Its nearly impossible to avoid unless you live in a cabin in the middle of Montana making shirts out of your pubic hair in order to stay warm.

My columns are so earth shattering they pop tires. Ranks right up there with making someone puke from the stench of my next day beer farts.

GMoney said...

In four years, there should not be a problem with tape delays since they are on Brazil. And Grumpy will be dead. Win win, baby!!!

It is impossible to avoid. Unless you spend every day for three weeks sitting on your porch reading from 8 AM to 8 PM, you're going to find out. Quit being old and useless.

Anonymous said...

A note for all of you racists that were piling on Brionte Dunn yesterday when he was a clear victim of racial profiling...

toddporter ‏@toddporter
#Ohio State RB Brionte Dunn will NOT face drug charges as a result of his traffic stop on Saturday. Story upcoming at http://cantonrep.com

--Drew

GMoney said...

Racial profiling has never not worked. Dude still had weed in the car. Take away his scholly, Big Urb!

Anonymous said...

Yannick Agnel just won the 200m Freestyle in swimming and Grillz Lochte got 4th. This just happened about an hour ago. HOT SCOOP.

Eat shit Grump.

Ide

Anonymous said...

G$....Dunn's Mom came to the scene and said it was her weed. Charges dropped. Urb can't take away a scholly because of the actions of one's parent.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Good post Ide.

Grumps is taking a beating here today.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

It was her weed? Just like Dez Bryant really didn't pistol whip his coke whore mother?

The Iceman said...

For your Fantasy Friday, G$...make sure you let everyone know to stay away from O.J. Murdock on draft day. He's on the permanent IR. Too soon?

Anonymous said...

OJ Murdock is no Plaxico Burress, the godfather of ELITE self inflicted gunshot wounds. Though the choice of a high school is less trashy than an Applebee's.

Ide

GMoney said...

So did the cops arrest Dunn's mom then? This story makes no sense. These people should be arrested for being stupid and awful liars.

Anonymous said...

Or for being black.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Nice post Iceman. ELITE flat tire Drew. Great list of good and bad MUDawg. And Grumpy, I'm in Hawaii, barely checking the Internet, and I certainly cannot stay spoiler free on the Olympics. Luckily, I don't give a fuck.

Best name of any Olympian, Destinee Hooker.

G$, someone offered me Ryan Braun and Hellickson for Jered Weaver in my head to head, points, keeper league. My team is 10-8 and in fine shape. Do I trade Weaver?

GMoney said...

Yes. Hellickson will be OK for you and Braun is ELITE.

GMoney said...

By the way, the next two days of posts are going to be...different to say the least. It's a two parter! They'll be pretty racist so they've got that going for them.

Grumpy said...

OK, I understand it's a generational thing. It's now nearly 3:00 p.m. and I have not heard or seen one Olympic result. I could easily make it until 7:30-8:00 without hearing any.

I've been running errands, had lunch with friends, I'm on the internet now, but it's not hard to avoid sites with results. Youporn.com doesn't have results.

If I'm not dead in 4 years is G$ taking me out for ribs? How about a Money Shot Dead Pool on me?

Grumpy said...

U.S. women won the team gymnastics gold. Have a nice evening.

Anonymous said...

Yeah real easy to avoid....

Moneyshot is now on the list of unavoidable result telling sites...

- J Saul