Tuesday, July 31, 2012
After thinking long and hard (about 8 minutes) about what to tackle today, I've decided to stick with the fat cutting theme from yesterday. Except, my liposuction suggestions are how to improve the Olympic games. First order of business is what we, as a country, need to do about our nation's theme music. After a mildly heated Facebook debate between G$ and myself we have a few changes we are making effective as of today. Our national anthem will no longer be The Star Spangled Banner. We need something a little less pussy and more indicative of the flamboyant American culture. Only because I didn't want to see G$ bawl like a 3rd grader, I have agreed to terms with him thus making our new national anthem "Real American" by Rick Derringer. I had no idea G$ had such a special, gay place in his heart for the Hulkster.
Second, we're scrapping America the Beautiful. This is an incredibly homo song that was probably written by a man who wears fake breasts and wigs for fun. Again...we need something that represents us better. So American the Beautiful will officially be exchanged with "America (Fuck Yeah)". Now that we have that finalized, let's find out what we should keep and what we should ditch from the Olympics to make them more watchable.
Keep - Awkward interviews with losers. Maybe I'm just a sick motherfucker, but nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than broadcasting someone's lowest life moment to the universe. Just once, I want the conversation to go like this:
Reporter: You have just been eliminated from medal contention by a milli-point. Four years of training for nothing. Four years of your life...wasted. How do you feel right now?
Athlete: Um. Pretty fucking bad, actually. Is there a therapist nearby I can talk to?
Reporter: Why? So you can be crappy at something else? Isn't one cosmic failure enough for one day's work? Loser?
/athlete slits own throat while reporter throws it back to Bob Costas for something totally useless.
Because that's really essentially what they're doing, right? Let me go rub in how much you suck just in case viewers have no idea just how devastating this is for you. I don't care if you haven't had a chance to catch your breath. The world must know every ounce of your grief!! But hey...I love that shit so keep it up, guys.
Don't keep - Closeups of female gymnasts/swimmers. God dammit. Is there anything on this planet more unattractive than what they're passing off as bodies? Fuckin gross, man. The lady swimmers look like they could punch through a car door or discus a 50" flatscreen 300 yards. The gymnasts are just as bad. Have fun looking like a 10 year old boy for the rest of your life. If your goal outside of Olympic gold was never having intercourse with a man, then keep doing what you're doing. I guess there's always breast implants to replace the dude pecs you've been sculpting since kindergarten. I just don't know what you plan on doing about your Mr. Universe lower torso. Are you going to power squat the first guy you fuck as a post sex victory dance? Perhaps. The reality is there's just no useful real world application for those massive tree trunks after you retire at age 22.
Keep - Taping events and reporting the winners before the taped event is aired. I'm sure you've all heard the whiny bitches complaining about the results of the 400IM gold medal race being reported before the taping of the event aired on television. If not, tune into Mike and Mike for twelve seconds. I'm sure Greenberg is still being a cunt about it. Any opportunity to piss of nerds like that should be capitalized upon ALWAYS. Get a fucking life, losers. Who gives a shit? It's fucking swimming! SWIMMING!! Before Michael Phelps and his ELITE bong hits smoked out America, none of you cock suckers gave a fuck about any of these events. So stop pretending like you're totally invested a mere 4 years later.
Don't keep - Having the games in countries where the weather sucks. Seriously. London?? Good choice, jagoffs. Having been to London twice before in the "spring" and "summer", I can tell you that neither season exists. The only seasons they have are "depressingly depressing" and "depressingly shitty". It's the Summer Olympics, shit heads. Have the games in places that actually know what summer is so beach volleyball isn't played indoors or with long sleeves. Pointless.
Keep - Grills. I tip my hat to Ryan Lochte for his 'Murrrrica grill and how he told Olympic officials to get fucked by wearing it on the medal stand anyway. Isn't this what we're all about as a country? Being douchey and flamboyant while making ourselves look totally ridiculous and classless? Embrace that shit because that's what all of the other countries think of us anyway. Do your thing, man.
Don't keep - The opening ceremony. I'm not sure if anyone caught the opening ceremony but holy fucking Christ tits was it weird and completely pointless. It didn't help that Danny Boyle put the whole thing together. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big Trainspotting and 28 Days Later supporter. But when you combine a "special" brain like Boyle's with an Olympic ceremony you get a whirlwind of confusing bullshit that looks like Cirque Du Soleil on the worst acid trip ever recorded. They just need to get rid of that whole thing already. The only people who like it are drug addicts and old people. And we don't need to cater to either since both demographics will be dying very soon. Besides, I'm pretty sure in the very first Olympics they probably publicly raped and killed a prostitute to start the games off. We should get back to traditions like these in the future.
Keep -Showing Men's volleyball. I stand firm on this. I actually enjoy this Olympic event. "Fag, Pussy, Bitch, Queer, blah blah blah". Fuck off. It's sweet. I don't know why, but it's ultra hilarious to me watching a 6'9" American fuckin turbo blast a nuclear spike into the chest plate of a Serbian who looks like Dut after skipping showers for a week. Watching that guy stand up while searching for a handle on the moment is always LOLZ for me.
Don't keep - Women's basketball. My brother sent me a text a couple days ago that read, "I just watched the first minute and a half of women basketball. Zero points, five turnovers and six bricks. How is this a pro sport? Better...why is this on TV?" Of course my natural response was, "Do you need me to call the police to have them arrest the person holding that gun to your head? I can't think of any other scenario where you would be watching women's basketball." But seriously...who the fuck willingly watches women's basketball besides lesbians and virgins? What's the move here? Do I do everything I can to get him legally excommunicated from my family lineage? Do I change his name in my phone to Pussy McBitchtits? I'm open to all suggestions.
We haven't talked Olympics yet so I figured, why the fuck not? It's better than another NBA post, right Brady? The only other option was discussing the recent tardness of college football players. But we have a long week ahead of us and that will just end in Brady finding ways to defend Ohio players for being complete fart eating fuck tards. And no one wants that shit.