Thursday, July 19, 2012

I'm a Blogger! I'm 31!

I'm getting this jersey as a Christmas present for everyone I know.
One of the main differences between college and professional sports is that, in the pro game, the superstars are the players. It makes sense what with endorsements and millions of dollars and all that jazz. By contrast, in college, most of the time the face of your program is the coach. That also makes sense when you consider the constant cycling of players in and out—the one thing that remains the same is the head coach. Yeah, I’m not breaking any news here. I am aware of that.

But with the college football season kicking off a little more than six weeks from today and there being currently zero news about the sport, I figured that I could drum up some sort of topic to get everyone talking (besides the scrappiness of Nick Saban’s daughter, of course). So let’s talk about these all-powerful assholes today. Who do we like? Who do we hate? Will Frank Beamer’s fake neck envelop his entire face? To keep things short and sweet, I put together a ranking of my 5 favorite head coaches in college football and my 5 least favorite. Pretty simple and should get the Bucktards and Wolverphiles at each other’s throats while us superior MACthletes(?) dominate all.

Before I get to the lists, I just want to mention how much I am enjoying Arizona RichRod thus far. His “turd flushing” opening press conference does not get nearly enough credit that it deserves for being ELITE. I just wonder how he is going to hold up in the desert while wearing those big fat suits that he trademarked at WVU and UM. GO RICH!

Considered – Chip Kelly, Dana Holgerson, Dan Mullen, Paul Johnson (triple option, n-word!)
5. Steve Spurrier – I don’t care that he ruined the Redskins when he says things like this, “it’s harder to win the SEC than it is the national championship…just ask Nick Saban”. Tremendous work, OBC.
4. Mike Gundy - A classic interview meltdown to go with an insanely enjoyable offense is good enough for me.
3. Brady “The Hokester” Hoke – Say what you want about him, but he has made the OSU/UM rivalry an actual thing to pay attention to again. His comically high voice and body fat only add to his greatness.
2. Chris Peterson – I absolutely love this guy. He has turned a small school into a power. He will play anyone. His Broncos are consistently a good team to bet on, too.
1. Mike Leach – The Pirate is the best. He is probably the best offensive mind in the country and he hates Craig James a lot. Mike Leach rules.

Considered – Bret Bielema, Kirk Ferentz, Derek “Dork” Dooley, Frank Solich
5. Butch Jones – The Cincinnati coach is a fucking cocksucker. He is a terrible coach that somehow keeps lucking into better jobs…probably because he has no problem taking #1’s sloppy seconds (which he has done twice now so expect him to be Notre Dame's next coach, too).
4. Les Miles – I just think that this moron is the luckiest coach of all time. One of these days his bone-headed game management style is going to bite him hard.
3. Charlie Weis – I would like for MIT or Harvard or some other place with really smart people to do a research project on how this guy keeps getting work. He is terrible. His offenses are always brutal. And he’s a lard ass to boot. If he tried to recruit me, I would just look at him the whole time and think that he just wanted to eat me.
2. Urban Meyer – I didn’t like him even when he was beating the Buckeyes. Faking a health scare to avoid quitting at Florida was pretty low. And he’s a well-known asshole to everyone not involved with his program.
1. Brian Kelly – This was no contest. Kelly killed a guy and got away with it. Then there was the rape/suicide that never really was punished. When you add in the visors and constant temper tantrums, Brian Kelly truly is the biggest shithead in college football.

There. That should give us some fuel for the rest of the day. Just a note to those that this applies to, COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW WEEK is right around the corner again. It will “air” 8/27-8/31. The same experts that usually participate will all be asked back again. “Questionnaires” will be sent out soon enough to give you time. Unless something crazy happens today, tomorrow we’re going to talk about erections. Yep, prepare yourself for that.


Grumpy said...

What's an erection?

GMoney said...

The blue pill.

Anonymous said...

I'll play...

My Top 5 FAVORITE Coaches...

1.) Urban Meyer -- Great family man who moved back to the state he grew up in to coach his alma mater. A feel good story for the TWO-TIME National Championship Winner. He also NEVER over-signed at Florida, which makes his success in the SEC even more impressive.

2.) Mark Dantonio -- I like the fact that he hates Michigan more than most Buckeye fans do....and his success against those faggots has been tremendous.

3.) Mark Richt -- I think he's the only honorable man left in the upper echelon of the SEC since Urban left.

4.) Mike Leach -- can you not like the Pirate? Plus, shoving Craig James children into tool sheds is ELITE behavior.

5.) Mack Brown -- I have fallen victim for his charm.

Top 5 LEAST Favorite Coaches...

1.) Brady Hoke -- Pure Michigan? More like Pure Faggot.

2.) Nick Saban -- The King of Oversigning. He has a heart made of rock and gives zero fucks about his players. Great coach....terrible person and his oversigning makes me want to puke.

3.) Brian Kelly -- Awful human being.

4.) Brett Bielema -- You know he likes to crush Keystone Lights while bumping Nickelback. His own coaches leave him by the bus load. Urban's gonna crush him this Madison. Deal with it Bo.

5.) Lane Kiffin -- Hot wife. Best recruiting class in Amurrica. His Dad really coaches the team. Must be nice. Fuck Lane Kiffin.


The Iceman said...

I think Pat Fitzgerald has potential to crack the hated list soon. I GET RESULTS BY SCREAMING TWO INCHES FROM EVERYONES FACE!! The only thing keeping him off right now is exposure since the only people who watch Northwestern football are Mike Greenburg and.....uh, Mike Greenburg???

Still trying to figure out how Lane Kiffin was left off the hated list. He's TOTES the type of guy who would impregnate a girl, throw her down a flight of stairs to save money on an abortion, then bolt for the west coast when it didn't work.

Anonymous said...

And his name is Lane. What a faggot name.


MUDawgfan said...

This is not a troll comment, but didn't Meyer play his college ball at UC and not OSU?

Top three most hated:

1. Gene Chizik - the fact that this cocksucker has a national championship makes me want to puke. I don't even give a shit about Cam Newton, I'm furious he looked into a camera and said to America "I know Nick Fairley is a good person, I know it in his heart. He's not a dirty player."
What he did to Aaron Murray was 100% UNFORGIVEABLE. He is absolutely the only person in American I would refuse to shake hands with.
The only reason I sleep well at night is the fact that I know, in 10 years time both Fairley and Chizik will be working at a Waffle House in Daphne, Alabama. I cannot wait to personally drive down there and order hashbrowns scattered, covered, diced, chunked, and peppered and laugh loudly while the make it. Assholes.

2. Chip Kelly - Seriously. Who do you think you're fooling? Coach some defense you jackass. It's important!

3. Kirk Ferentz - So, I own my own catering business, and one time I got this call to do a breakfast at this country club in Arizona, turns out, Ferentz was hosting a charity function for people born without pituitary glands. So I show up, and Ferentz is roaming the grounds on some sort of portable step ladder. He spots me and says "Hey! Hey you down there! I want you to spread jelly on all of these danish!" So I did. Then Ferentz rolls back around on his PowerStilts and barks at me, "Hey, spread brie on all of these crackers!!" So I did, and then about 20 minutes later, from behind me, I hear "Hey!". I say "Okay Coach, what would you like me to spread now?" I turn around, and Ferentz is laying on a buffet table with his knees tucked next to his ears, and he says "This sweet little brownstar".

Top 3 Favorite:

1. Spurrier - He's caused me more pain than I can remember growing up, but I'll be damned if I don't envy this hell out of him. If he never played football, I'm convinced he would be a world class engineer somewhere. Fantastic analytical mind.

2. Bob Stoops - BCS flops aside, he's a tremendous coach and all of his NFL players can't speak highly enough of their time at OKU.

3. Bill Snyder - "Ho hum, here I am. 70 years old and still beating the fuck out of coaches 30 years younger than I am, coaching circles around teams that out recruit me every year...Whoops! I scored 50 points against Texas Tech again, how did that happen?"

Anonymous said...

MUDawg....Urban got a graduate degree from OSU. I still don't know what to make of your Ferentz tale.


Anonymous said...

"This is not a troll comment, but didn't Meyer play his college ball at UC and not OSU?"

From your linked article:

"His first collegiate coaching position was a two-year stint as a graduate assistant at Ohio State under head coach Earle Bruce.[3] He then spent the next thirteen years as an assistant"

Gene Chizik is neat because he is white and shoved Sir Charles raycess claim right up his ass with that championship.


Anonymous said...

Gene chizik might be the most unlikeable person in college football.

Urban meyer will be #1 on your list when he runs the score up on your alma mater!


MUDawgfan said...

While my Coach Ferentz story might feature some embellishment (100% embellishment) - my point is that I think he's gay and I hate him.

The Iceman said...

"While my Coach Ferentz story might feature some embellishment (100% embellishment) - my point is that I think he's gay and I hate him."

Absolutely wonderful. You have to appreciate the little this comment on the heels of a tremendous made up story. Good form.

GMoney said...

Your offense isn't going to be good enough to run it up on anyone this year.

Ferentz is shit because he keeps using "I coach at Iowa" as an excuse for being mediocre and his teams lead the nation in arrests. Big Ten programs get no free pass with the amount of money that they get handed to them every year. And apparently, he's gay for caterers to boot.

Urban is a family man. Best joke of the day.

I actually kind of like Lane Kiffin. I have no proof or logic to back it up, but I want to throw it out there anyway.

Mack Brown is a dead ringer for my father in law.

I don't mind Chizik even though him screaming WAR EAGLE all the time is highly irritating.

Urban got a graduate degree from OSU.--Nah, it was from DeVry.

GMoney said...

By the way, apparently both Dwight and Bynum are OK with signing extensions now. Bynum to CLE? Christ, that would be pretty incredible.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to add Rich Rodriguez to my favorite coaches list too.

I wonder how much revenues have gone up and profits have gone down for the Golden Corrals in Lawrence, KS.


GMoney said...

Internet Alert!!! Walter Jr from Breaking Bad is answering questions over at Warming Glow today. My submissions are excellent as usual:

@RJ, How often does Cranston thank you for not being Frankie Muniz? Follow up, when can we expect to see six packs of Schraderbrau in stores?


Grumpy said...

I think Meyer is a great coach and I understand the Ohio fans here having his back, but I'll bet they all hated him when he was at Florida. Plus, for someone like me who has never met him, he comes across in televised interviews as a prick.

Brady said...

Fuck me. of course I have the day off when you post this. Im on the golf course about to hit my drive on the 12th so I have no time to defend the Buckeyes.

GMoney said...

Thanks for wasting our time then!

The Iceman said...

Brady should golf and have days off more often.

Anonymous said...

Is Seal golfing with Brady and that's why he hasn't shown up to tell us how dumb Iceman is?


Brady said...

anytime brah!