|I'm getting this jersey as a Christmas present for everyone I know.|
But with the college football season kicking off a little more than six weeks from today and there being currently zero news about the sport, I figured that I could drum up some sort of topic to get everyone talking (besides the scrappiness of Nick Saban’s daughter, of course). So let’s talk about these all-powerful assholes today. Who do we like? Who do we hate? Will Frank Beamer’s fake neck envelop his entire face? To keep things short and sweet, I put together a ranking of my 5 favorite head coaches in college football and my 5 least favorite. Pretty simple and should get the Bucktards and Wolverphiles at each other’s throats while us superior MACthletes(?) dominate all.
Before I get to the lists, I just want to mention how much I am enjoying Arizona RichRod thus far. His “turd flushing” opening press conference does not get nearly enough credit that it deserves for being ELITE. I just wonder how he is going to hold up in the desert while wearing those big fat suits that he trademarked at WVU and UM. GO RICH!
Considered – Chip Kelly, Dana Holgerson, Dan Mullen, Paul Johnson (triple option, n-word!)
5. Steve Spurrier – I don’t care that he ruined the Redskins when he says things like this, “it’s harder to win the SEC than it is the national championship…just ask Nick Saban”. Tremendous work, OBC.
4. Mike Gundy - A classic interview meltdown to go with an insanely enjoyable offense is good enough for me.
3. Brady “The Hokester” Hoke – Say what you want about him, but he has made the OSU/UM rivalry an actual thing to pay attention to again. His comically high voice and body fat only add to his greatness.
2. Chris Peterson – I absolutely love this guy. He has turned a small school into a power. He will play anyone. His Broncos are consistently a good team to bet on, too.
1. Mike Leach – The Pirate is the best. He is probably the best offensive mind in the country and he hates Craig James a lot. Mike Leach rules.
Considered – Bret Bielema, Kirk Ferentz, Derek “Dork” Dooley, Frank Solich
5. Butch Jones – The Cincinnati coach is a fucking cocksucker. He is a terrible coach that somehow keeps lucking into better jobs…probably because he has no problem taking #1’s sloppy seconds (which he has done twice now so expect him to be Notre Dame's next coach, too).
4. Les Miles – I just think that this moron is the luckiest coach of all time. One of these days his bone-headed game management style is going to bite him hard.
3. Charlie Weis – I would like for MIT or Harvard or some other place with really smart people to do a research project on how this guy keeps getting work. He is terrible. His offenses are always brutal. And he’s a lard ass to boot. If he tried to recruit me, I would just look at him the whole time and think that he just wanted to eat me.
2. Urban Meyer – I didn’t like him even when he was beating the Buckeyes. Faking a health scare to avoid quitting at Florida was pretty low. And he’s a well-known asshole to everyone not involved with his program.
1. Brian Kelly – This was no contest. Kelly killed a guy and got away with it. Then there was the rape/suicide that never really was punished. When you add in the visors and constant temper tantrums, Brian Kelly truly is the biggest shithead in college football.
There. That should give us some fuel for the rest of the day. Just a note to those that this applies to, COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW WEEK is right around the corner again. It will “air” 8/27-8/31. The same experts that usually participate will all be asked back again. “Questionnaires” will be sent out soon enough to give you time. Unless something crazy happens today, tomorrow we’re going to talk about erections. Yep, prepare yourself for that.