Thursday, July 12, 2012

If Ron Jaworski Can Do It Then So Can I

I make bombs in the woods and masturbate constantly.
It’s like this every damn year but it always seems to sneak up on me anyway. The week of the MLB All Star Game is the most boring week of the summer. There are literally zero events going on which makes it hard to blog. If I actually watched much of ESPN, I’d bet that it is filled with pointless drivel (even more than usual--and since I see that the ESPYs were last night, my suspicions have been confirmed). That probably helps explain why Ron Jaworski is ranking quarterbacks during Sportscenter which has to be the easiest thing ever and requires almost no thought whatsoever.  By the way, Jaws says that Joe Flacco has the strongest arm in the league.  Now I see why he got removed from the Monday Night booth.

But it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to share my expertise on all things NFL so I figured that I would give it a shot, too. Jaws took care of the laser rocket arms. I’m going to rank the top ten running backs and wide receivers today. Now this is not an exact science and there is no real grading system for this; I’m not looking at fantasy production or who I would want to start a team with or anything like that. It just comes down to who I think is better or worse than other players at that position. It is pretty simple and straightforward. Obviously, feel free to disagree with me if you must. Running backs go first because receivers are a bunch of prima donna cocksuckers.

10. Jamaal Charles – I hope his knee is 100% so he can go back to being the most electrifying player in the league
9. Darren McFadden – Quit being a pussy, it is not the Raider way.
8. Marshawn Lynch – I don’t think that last year was a fluke and Skittles are fucking delicious
7. Chris Johnson – I hope that last year was an aberration and not a sign of things to come
6. Adrian Peterson – A torn ACL is still a torn ACL; let’s see how he comes back before putting him back near the top
5. Matt Forte – The most disrespected player in the league?
4. Maurice Jones-Drew – Probably my favorite non-Skin in the NFL; he does everything for a horrible team.
3. LeSean McCoy
2. Ray Rice – Ray Ray and Shady are interchangeable but, you know, fuck Mr. Ace
1. Arian Foster – His greatness trolls Iceman. His veganism trolls Ide. I love this guy.

Intermission Fun Fact! Did you know that the Redskins have had an RGIII all along? Apparently, there are three generations of Rex Grossmans out there crushing pussy from coast to coast! Rex Grossman III!!!! Two RGIII’s = Super Bowl. Time for the receivers…

Also considered – Mike Wallace, Vincent Jackson, Victor Cruz-Saul, Hakeem Nicks, DeSean Jackson, LEONARD HANKERSON
10. AJ Green – About two years away from being a top 3 receiver
9. Reggie Wayne – He’s getting older but I still consider him to be ELITE.
8. Greg Jennings – Too many drops
7. Dwayne Bowe – Most underrated pass catcher in the league?
6. Wes Welker – Definitely a product of the Pats system but the high production is tough to ignore
5. Brandon Marshall – He may be criminally insane but the dude is sick nasty
4. Andre Johnson – Try making it through a full season, pussy
3. Roddy White – Owned by Dut last year; have to hold that against him
2. Calvin Johnson
1. Larry Fitzgerald – 1 and 2 could go either way but I give the nod to Fitz because he has the best hands of all time

Thoughts? Just remember that fantasy production was not taken into account here before you flame me. That being said, I have not forgotten about Fantasy Football Fridays which will be starting up soon. Speaking of Fantasy, I started up the G$FL site the other night and invites have been sent. This is year TEN of that league by the way and that is pretty amazing. Damman and I were talking about possible draft dates and have agreed that Sunday September 2nd is probably the best option. It’s Labor Day weekend and the day after Miami’s win over Ohio State so people should be around (weddings should not be a problem). Let me know if this works for you G$FLers out there.

And Happy Big Brother Day!

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

I didn't watch the ESPYs but I noticed that our very own Timmy Tenor won Best Moment for making RibFest happen.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Jaws claimed on PTI yesterday that he and his "team" spent 8 hours of watching film per QB to do his rankings. No wonder the economy sucks when we have grown men being productive doing shit like this.

Twenty years from now there will be hundreds claiming they were at the first Ribfest.

MUDawgfan said...

We had our draft lottery this past saturday while drinking on the lake.
I scored the #1 pick, are you saying Mr. Foster is a lock?

GMoney said...

In twenty years, Brady will claim that RibFest and his dad's half-birthday party were the same event.

I don't want to get too much into fantasy talk here as that will hurt later posts, but I think that Foster is a very low risk player as long as Roy Helu is already off the board.

Why would you admit that you spent 8 hours watching Blaine Gabbert?

Anonymous said...

I'm not positive about this, but I'm pretty sure that I read that Jaworski put Stafford at # 14 on his list of QB's. LOLZ. What a terrible list.

G$...Even though I disagree, I'm not gonna argue about Fitzgerald over Megatron. Just know that if you are ever around a Pitt Panther alum/fan....tell them that Megatron is better than Fitzgerald. I was around one a few months ago and the majority opinion of the group was that Megatron was better than Fitzgerald. I honestly think the guy was close to tears that he was so flabbergasted someone...let alone the majority of a group...could think that way. It was amazing the mini-meltdown he had.

I don't see why I won't be free on 9/2.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Yeah, 9/2 seems like a pretty perfect date. All the Fuckeye fans are probably still in town and nursing hangovers--why not keep drinking at a dank bar for a few hours???

Thank you for not fighting that. There is really no way to go wrong between those two on a football field (in your draft room is another story though).

Speaking of how I already spoke about Big Brother, you may want to tune in tonight because one of the houseguests is Psycho Sid's son. Now it's probably a good thing that I didn't even have my application opened because if I were in the house with this guy, I would do nothing but talk about pro wrestling Li'l Sid and abandon all strategy whatsoever.

Anonymous said...

When does the weekly FF preview begin? I can't wait to reclaim/repeat my title run.
I would have to say FJax may be in my top 10 only because the Bills would have no Offense without him.
----Lange

The Iceman said...

It's so hard for me to look at players from a non fantasy aspect anymore.

I would have taken Charles off the list and replaced him with Steven Jackson. Not a sexy pick but Jackson has been whipping out 1,000 yard seasons forever. Not to mention he's a pass catcher and every down back. Or I would have gone with Michael Turner. I have more respect for guys who carry 25-30 times a game.

LeSean McCoy doesn't belong on this list. Fuck you, Ace.

Foster continues to give me pink eye by farting in my face.

Julio Jones should be on your WR list. The dude is sick nasty.

Fun fact of today: Darius Heyward-Bey was 25 yards short of 1,000 last season. Good gravy.

Prime99 said...

Hey look! The Bears have the #5 RB and #5 WR on G$'s list. Who knows if Forte will show up, but I think the Bears offense will be much improved.

The RG3 fact blew my mind.

Arian Foster is ELITE. Iceman's pinkeye is infected by now.

GMoney said...

AJ Green is #10 on my list. AJ Green is way better than Julio Jones AKA Game Time Decision (Hamstring).

I took age and mileage into consideration with Turner's Fat Ass and Steven Jackson. Plus, Jamaal is way more fun to watch than those two.

Fred Jackson isn't a top ten RB. That was proven last after he got hurt and CJ Spiller was just as effective.

Lange, FFF will be starting maybe next week. Until then, MEOW MEOW!

Prime, I knew that you would love knowing that Rex Grossman is also an RGIII. It just adds to his already legendary legendness.

Prime99 said...

Fuck it- THE REAL RG3 is going DEEP!

GMoney said...

Huh, I was hoping that The Freeh Report would be much more interesting and funny. That was just a waste of time. Well, except for this:

We also know that he delayed reporting Sandusky’s sexual conduct because Mr. Paterno did not “want to interfere” with people’s weekend.

Joe Paterno celebrated Naturday.

Anonymous said...

9/2 is the day before my birthday, so I will hog the glory. More importantly, when is DFL draft? At least one member of my team needs to be there and Reba lives in Yuma Arizona or some other 3rd ring of hell down in Upper Mexico.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Last I knew Ide, the DFL draft is going to be done online. I told Dut to start getting his shit together, but he's too busy living la vida loca.

----Lange

Brady said...

Where is Trent Richardson on this list? I know he hasn't played a down but those hipster glasses have to shoot him up into the top ten right?

Anonymous said...

G$ with two dumb comments.

1.) Spiller was not just as good as Jackson. Jackson had 6 100-yard games in his 10 starts last year. Spiller had 1 in his 6 starts. They also caught the same amount of balls with Jackson having almost 150 more yards receiving.

2.) The Freeh Report is VERY interesting. Paterno is slime. The B1G should demand taht they take his statue down or kick them out.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Spiller helped me win a fantasy title (seriously!) which makes him ELITE. And way to have knowledge of the Bills late season offense, turd.

I was hoping for more juicy and awful details in the Freeh. I stand by my disappointment. I was pleased to see Paterno's commitment to weekend enjoyment though.

The DFL Draft can not and will not be done online. Are you fucking kidding me? The Rules Committee will not allow this to happen. Does 8/18 work? How about on actual Labor Day?

Brady said...

I just finished the Freeh report myself. Paterno is fucking dispicable. I think he was lucky to die before this thing came out. The only question left is how ESPN will spin it to be Jim Tressel's fault.

The Iceman said...

"The only question left is how ESPN will spin it to be Jim Tressel's fault."

Sweet Christ. Would you knock it the fuck off already with this victim shit?

I'm not even in the DFL draft and the fact that someone would even consider such a long standing league move to an online draft is insulting to me. Sack up, pussies.

The Iceman said...

"The only question left is how ESPN will spin it to be Jim Tressel's fault."

Sweet Christ. Would you knock it the fuck off already with this victim shit?

I'm not even in the DFL draft and the fact that someone would even consider such a long standing league move to an online draft is insulting to me. Sack up, pussies.

The Iceman said...

My bad...I was thinking about the MSFL draft. But still...pussies.

The Iceman said...

Green had zero competition for looks this past season while Jones had to fight with a ProBowler for catches. Still was within striking distance of Green's numbers despite that. If Green's on your list...jones has to be also.

Charles is fun to watch for two games until he blows out his ACL running to the sideline. At least Fatty Turner and Steve will give you full seasons.

GMoney said...

When the fuck has Steven Jackson ever played a full season???

Charles got hurt. All players do. He's still a better player than those old guys are.

Green is a complete and ELITE receiver. Jones is a deep threat only that was banged up last year. They aren't in the same league. They may be in the future, but not now.

Brady said...

"Green is a complete and ELITE receiver. Jones is a deep threat only that was banged up last year. They aren't in the same league."

Totes agree. Green scares the living shit out of me. Maybe one day the Browns can get a receiver like that.

Brady said...

Sounds like it's going to take a
2nd rounder in the supplemental draft to get Josh Gordon. I would gladly take a 2nd round shot to see if this kid can live up to his potential. The other team that is really interested? Fucking Washington. We lost RGIII, Garcon/Morgan and now possibly Gordon to the skins. Shit is getting a little ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

Brady....JoePa would be on his way to die in jail under a perjury charge if he was still alive today. He is indeed a terrible human.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Matt Millen's interview on ESPN this morning. He's still defending Joe Pa and says the PSU runs a "squeaky clean" program. No shit...that's because JoePa ran fucking everything and nobody dared answer to him. Just when you think I couldn't hate Millen more.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I told Dut 8/18 so Rules Committee needs to get on that. Hopefully we don't plan on that date and have a NASCAR event show up. Is there going to be an MSFL league again?

The Nets shunning Dwight Howard is ELITE.

----Lange

GMoney said...

Lange, let's take this shit league by the horns and set the draft date without consulting Dut. 8/18 it is!!! The majority of the league lives in Ohio so start making plans now, fags. No more fucking camping trips or NASCAR races.

It's golf, Hot & Readys, cheap beer, Daniel's disdain for minorities, and Draft Day.

The out of staters, I believe, are just Grant, JSaul, RebIde, and Moden. Start making your arrangements, fellas.

DUT SUX DIK

Anonymous said...

I think I can make that date happen.

Hope no one tries to jack the bid up on my boy Victor this year, you know I'm chasing.

I'll remind you that I won two leagues last year where he was employed on my Roster (the only leagues he was employed on my roster). What great foresight to draft him two years ago....

- J Saul

Brady said...

Just watched the Matt Millen interview. Holy shit dude. Put your fucking foot in your mouth already. He gives interviews/commentary on PSU as well as he drafts.

The Iceman said...

Uhhhh, clean the shit out of your eyes, G$. Jackson has played in 113 games of 128 in his pro career. For a guy who has represented 75% of St. Louis' offense for 8 seasons, I would say that's pretty fuckin dependable and pretty damn good.

Green played 15 games last year, Jones played 13. He's not the porcelain bitch you make him out to be. And remember that Green was also hobbled by a knee injury for a decent portion of the season. Jones only had 11 fewer receptions than Green while fighting for looks all year with a Pro Bowler and HOF tight end. Green was the only option on the Bengals. Jones is way more than just a deep threat.

Prime99 said...

Too bad Sandusky can't get a crack at molesting Millen... It wouldn't be his own foot in his mouth at that point.

Anonymous said...

Browns get Gordon. Go ahead and make fun of me for being slightly excited about this. I like being able to develop this guy from day one with Weeden.

Seal

Anonymous said...

MSFL draft going to be online this year?

I will send out a group email on Espn.....

Let's do this G$!

----Lange

GMoney said...

MSFL Draft has to be online since it was created from an online community/I don't want to see Grumpy more than I have to. It wouldn't feel right to do something related to this blog in person (other than eating of course).

What did the Browns give up to get Gordon? I'm sure that he'll be irrelevant in no time.

Iceman, Steven Jackson sucks and through one year AJ is way better than Julio. I'll present two arguments:

*Do the Falcons make the playoffs last year without Julio Jones?
*Is Matt Ryan way better than a rookie ginger?

Also, AJ receives double coverage while Julio does not due to his teammates. Will I ever stop winning arguments???

Brady said...

I'm excited about Gordon too, Seal. Many think he has a higher ceiling than Kendall Wright does. He will be raw for a season after sitting out for so long but the talent is there. I'm pretty pumped to watch what this offense can do this upcoming season.

Grumpy said...

I just might have to crash the DFL draft; Dut will tell me where it's being held.

GMoney said...

By the way, the pick that you refused to include to get RGIII was just spent on Josh Gordon. I hope that that works out (not really, it was still stupid of Holmgren). All I know is that the Skins are moving up the draft order in the 2nd round!

Anonymous said...

Browns gave up their 2nd rounder (pick 33, we'll call it) in next years draft.

Grumpy, not sure if you want to witness the DFL draft. This year will likely include G$s worn out Fleshlight, and more of Ace's underage bukkake shows. Hot and Readys are always a good time. 3am White Castle runs during what I'll call the "black hour", not so much.

Ide